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It’s 3am and the left-hand side of the bed is cold. Buck’s tired fingers grasp at the sheets, his brain lagging behind.
“Eddie?” It’s mumbled, barely audible, and receives no answer. He prises his eyes open and fumbles for his bedside lamp to push back the shadows of the pitch-black room. He’s alone, and Eddie’s place is cold.
Blinking the blurriness out of his eyes, Buck sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the mattress, listening closely to locate Eddie in the house. He’s met with silence.
This isn’t the first time he’s woken up alone since moving in with Eddie, nor does he think it will be the last, but Eddie’s getting better at coming back. Buck can’t place it, but something is telling him it’s not one of those nights.
He rubs his eyes as he drags his socked feet down the hall, peaking in on Christopher who’s still sleeping soundly on his way past. The hall door is sitting ajar, letting faded light slip through the cracks.
Buck goes through into the dining room, lit only by the light spilling from the kitchen and finds Eddie braced against the counter, eyes trained on the space between his hands, but Buck doubts he’s looking at anything in particular. A clean, empty mug sits next to him, and Buck has to wonder how long he has been standing here.
“Hey,” Buck says. Eddie startles, head snapping up to see him, shoulders tensing. He blinks and relaxes. His eyes are heavy, weighed down by the dark circles under them.
“Buck.” It sounds like regret and relief.
“You okay?” Buck touches the side of the jug with the back of his hand. It’s hot but not so much that he jerks his hand away from it. He guesses it had been boiled at least half an hour ago.
Eddie tilts his chin up, then freezes mid-nod. He shakes his head, and with that, his walls begin to crumble. Buck gently pulls him into his arms, smoothing his hands over the old worn fabric of his shirt, and Eddie clings to him. He clings to him like he’s the only thing keeping him afloat.
It’s been a while since they last held each other like this; tight enough they could almost mesh together. Maybe too long.
“I’ve got you,” Buck whispers into his skin. Eddie buries his face into the crook of his neck, and the shaking starts.
“I’m sorry.” It comes out broken, almost pleading. Buck presses a kiss to his shoulder.
“What happened, love?”
Eddie shakes his head against him. He’ll talk when he’s ready, and Buck is prepared to wait.
He doesn’t know how long they stay like that, wrapped in each other, breathing together, hearts beating against each other. The edge of the counter is digging uncomfortably into his hip, and his bones ache for sleep, but he stays. He will always stay.
Slowly, Eddie begins to relax his grip and draws back. The red rimming his eyes doesn’t go unnoticed despite his best attempts not to meet Buck’s eyes. He opens and closes his mouth like the words are choking him and Buck doesn’t say a thing. He knows he just needs time and patience, and Buck is in no rush.
“I—” Eddie scrubs his hands over his face and lets out a long slow breath. “—It was just a dream, and I know that, but I can’t— I can’t get it out of my head.”
Buck settles back against the counter, facing Eddie who’s looking back at the same place he was when Buck found him, but this time he is looking.
“You—” Eddie’s throat works, words catching behind his teeth, and Buck is helpless but to watch him try to free them. “—I watched you die.” It’s like they’re torn from him, and Buck can almost hear the blood dripping from his words. “I watched you die and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.”
“That’s not your fault. I’m here now, right?”
“I know but— I was standing right there and it was you who was shot.” Buck places his hand over Eddie’s. “No one did anything, no one even acknowledged it, and I was standing less than three feet from you unable to save you. I couldn’t even scream.” Eddie meets his eyes and Buck can see it all. The fear. The loss. The pain. He understands it all too well.
“I’m sorry.” It’s all he can say.
“You bled out in front of me, and I let you.” Eddie wipes a stray tear away with the palm of his hand. “I know it’s not real and I would never let that happen, Buck. Never . But it still feels like I was really there.” Eddie lets out a wet laugh. “It’s something pretty stupid to be complaining about to the guy who was really there though, isn’t it?”
“No.” Buck keeps his voice soft but firm. “It’s not stupid because I have you right here.” His voice breaks on the last word. He swallows the lump in his throat. “We were both there, and we both made it out.” Buck wraps his fingers around Eddie’s wrist to land on the pulse humming beneath his skin, just like he has so many times before. Because through it all, they’ve come out the other side.
Eddie turns into him, and Buck guides him in by his waist. Eddie presses a kiss to the hinge of Buck’s jaw and tilts his head to rest against Buck’s. Buck lets his eyes close for a moment and commits this moment to memory. The weight of Eddie’s body against his own, the heat of his skin radiating through their clothes, the way his hair tickles the side of his face. There’s nothing special about this hug in particular, but Buck will be damned should he ever forget what it feels like to hold him in his arms.
“I never made tea,” Eddie mumbles. Buck huffs a laugh, slowly opening his eyes.
“Do you want some?”
“No.” Eddie shakes his head. “I think I’m okay now.”
It’s Buck’s turn to draw back now. The yellowing kitchen light is by no means flattering, but Eddie’s standing in front of him, and Buck can’t help but think he has never been more in love than in this very moment.
“Do you wanna come back to bed then?”
“Yeah,” Eddie says, gently squeezing Buck’s forearm.
Buck gives him a soft smile and gently leads the way back to their bedroom, checking in on Chris as they pass, who’s still sleeping soundly.
The blankets are cold but welcoming when they get into bed. Eddie curls into him almost immediately and Buck wraps an arm around his shoulders. He fights sleep until Eddie’s breaths have grown even and relaxed. He kisses the top of his head.
“I’ll be here when you wake up.”