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1.
she sits on triangle grass
it would be more fitting if it was wilted
she thinks
but the joke’s on her, really,
‘cuz this time around
nothing wilts here
except herself.
“come over!”
someone calls
“it’s a pool party!
you love them, don’t you?”
and she does, is the thing
but there’s something about
being
fucking
tired
that stops her from getting up
it feels like her own body is pinning her down,
an exhaustion that could never be
cured
by sleep
resting in her bones
much like how she wants to.
she watches as a friend teammate peeks over the top of the pool
an expectant look on his face
and she wants to snap,
scream “you don’t know me”,
scream “I do what I want”,
and maybe
just admit
that what she wants
is to lay down.
but she doesn’t
because she’s
fucking
tired,
and she doesn’t have the energy to yell right now.
and he keeps looking
even as whippy creamy climbs into the water
even as the sounds of yoga instructions and laughter ring in the distance
even as she wants it to stop.
(she never said that, though.)
he tilts his head
and asks
“are you going to get in?”
and moldy
feels
as it all crumbles down around her.
she doesn’t know why
that
was the straw
on the camel's back,
but
it
was.
tears well up in her eyes
and she’s careful to breathe slowly
lest they cascade down her face
because what could be worse
than crying next to
someone
that’s only
just
a teammate?
she’s lucky he’s far away.
he can’t see her eyes.
but he’s still just as
observant
as he would be if he was closer
and he sees her hesitance
her lack of an answer
and her unsteady feet
and he decides to ask
“do you need help?”
“NO!”
moldy screams,
chest too tight
“no! no, i never need”
her hands raise up for air quotes
“‘help’”
she spits the word like it’s half a worm in her apple,
“i just want to… lay down. yeah.”
circle hums.
he takes a moment
to think
(of an answer)
and says
“can I join you?”
she scoffs,
but doesn’t argue.
he kicks his feet
for half a moment
just happy about this
(why is he happy to be with her, she doesn’t deserve that)
and he climbs out of the pool as she situates herself
water trying it’s best to cling to him
but he’s smooth, round, and just a tad fuzzy,
so it just slides off back into the pool
almost like a dancer
made of h2o.
he walks, and smiles, and lays
and she doesn’t emote
but he doesn’t mind
because it’s the start
of something
great.
2.
she’s trying as hard as she can
she swears, she’s trying as hard as she can
and if god can’t hear her
hopefully the others can
and maybe,
airy,
too.
“PUSH! KEEP PUSHING! AS HARD AS YOU CAN! KEEP GOING!”
scenty’s words
are like an echoed chant
right in her ear,
stabbing her heart
with each
syllable.
and she
really
truly
is
trying.
pushing, with all her strength
and yet
her elbows buckle
shaking under her own weight
and she knows
she is behind her peers, now
no way
to turn back.
the wood breaks free from the ground, hitting it with an overwhelming
bang.
shame coils in her gut
all that elementary school nonsense about how
your best is all that’s needed
and
you are enough, just as you are
is feeling very
wrong
and
stupid
right about now.
she crumbles as the others cheer
loud and proud
just like she wished she was.
it seems they don’t notice
but she convinces herself that they just don’t
care
enough to help.
she drags herself up and over
wishing for the pool all to herself
because that’s what she wants right now
(and she’s selfish for it)
and she dwindles for a moment on trying to get it
but everyone’s in there already
celebrating a victory
she barely contributed to
and she can’t bring herself to tear it from them
right now.
(maybe another day.)
but she doesn’t notice
how she’s the not only one
straying from the crowd
not the only one
splashing about
not the only one
away
alone
useless.
circle comes up behind her, patting her head.
she jumps, eyes wide, turning around,
an angry yell on the tip of her tongue,
but when she sees him
she relaxes.
only slightly,
but still.
he smiles at her,
“do you want to sit in the shade?”
and she wants to say
‘no
get away from me
i just want to be alone
leave me alone’
but she can’t get herself to
because she may want it
but circle’s smile is enticing
and maybe that’s enough.
maybe that’s enough.
“sure.”
she lands on
“sure. just don’t expect a conversation.”
and circle
stupidly
nods
maybe because she’s easier with no voice
because having none is less painful than having one
maybe because her voice is loud and
wrong
and maybe it’s easier to be with her, to care for her, if she’s less of herself.
yes.
that’s it.
nothing else.
3.
others rest
or exercise
or teach yoga
or learn yoga
or listen to books
or do anything else
but this.
she is floating in the pool
finally graced
with no one around
and she revels in how her legs can finally rest
how good it feels to not be pulled to the center of it all
how good it feels to not hold herself up
how good it feels to just
be.
to just
exist.
she revels in it.
gravity may hold her down
but in the glittering water
she feels weightless
she feels thankful she’s here
not on the plane
but in a pool
grateful there even is
a pool
in the first place.
it’s foreign, gratefulness.
it’s not something she experiences often.
she feels like she shouldn’t be
because life is hell
and how can she be grateful for anything
nay, how dare she be grateful
when she’s stuck here
with no friends
only the ones she’s competing against
only her teammates
and maybe
that circle guy,
too.
she hears the footsteps before the splash
the telltale creak of the ladder
because
speak of the devil,
and he shall come.
and he wades over to her
and she already knows it’s him
even with her eyes closed
because he’s the only one
stupid enough
to put in this much effort for someone as
useless
as her.
“you likin’ the water?”
he asks
and moldy is confused, for a second
when no matter how hard she tries
she can’t find the tease
in his tone.
she hums in reply,
not because she can’t say the words,
just because she doesn’t
feel
like it.
(she could speak if she forced herself to.)
(maybe that means something, that she has to say that. that it’s her first thought.)
(no, it doesn’t.
probably.)
“yeah, I get it.”
circle says
like there’s anything worth saying it to.
“it’s very nice here. my favorite spot, personally. the water is real pretty too, better than the rest of the landscape.”
she can tell he’s going on one of his speeches,
‘on the soapbox’ as parker would call it,
but it’s really hard to mind.
(she really fucking hates that.)
“like, yeah, yoga’s fun and all! but I get tired, man. sometimes you need a break! the water feels very good on sore muscles too, you know.”
maybe two good things are better than one.
maybe she doesn’t want to be grateful,
maybe she doesn’t think she deserves it.
but she can’t help herself.
it feels nice as circle swims around her
nice as he regales stories that really shouldn’t be as interesting as they are
nice as his smile bleeds into his words
nice as she can even tell he’s smiling
even though her eyes have been closed the whole time
nice as she snickers and quips and he laughs along with her
nice as finally
she can let herself drift off
knowing that she’s safe
with circle around.
(nice as the fondness grows in her gut and expands all the way to her fingertips, a light hum buzzing in them that is more than welcome.)
4.
“what if I die?”
no one really hangs out in the dappled shade of the polygonal trees
(maybe backpack, sometimes)
so it’s the perfect place to confess
to fear
because what comes here
stays
at least
that’s what she hopes.
“what?”
circle looks through her
and she can’t read his expression
mostly because she can’t even see his face
her eyes far away, back turned like it is.
and it’s all because she’s afraid
of judgment, of hate
that she probably won’t get
but that doesn’t matter, anyways.
“you heard me. what if I die?”
and they both know the ‘if’ is tacked on just for show
because she’s getting worse
and death is on the end of the road
for sure.
circle mutters
then pauses
to reach
for an answer
because
“i don’t know.
will you… respawn?”
moldy grumbles
“that’s not what i’m asking.”
she says
“because, what if I don’t respawn? what then?”
and circle stammers
eyes glazed over
thinking
thinking
thinking
because
“i don’t know. i don’t know.”
“answer me,”
she tries to demand —
“for the hypothetical. what would you do, circle?”
— but it comes out wrong
awfully weak
and truly terrible.
she doesn’t know why she’s asking
because even if she and circle hang out sometimes
they aren’t
‘friends’
and certainly not close enough to talk with this about.
she’s certainly not loved enough to be
grieved
or
mourned
even for him.
it’s silent
for a moment
but that’s a moment too long,
in her book,
but when did her book matter anyways?
“i- do you know what kind of question that is?”
he says
eventually
and it’s not what she’s looking for
(what is she looking for?)
but he continues
before she can stop him.
“i would… moldy, what would i do without you?”
a heartbroken laugh echoes from him
“i don’t - i don’t know! okay! you’re… sure, the other people are cool, but. but moldy, you’re… you’re my best friend. i CAN’T lose you! what would i even… what could i do?”
moldy pauses
and
“we’re friends?”
and it derails circle so hard
that he forgets he was panicking in the first place
and says
“yeah? i thought that was obvious.”
and she sits with that
for a moment
and goes
“really? you’re being serious right now?”
“of course?? why else would I go out of my way to hang out with you all the time?”
“oh.”
she mumbles
“i thought you were just stupid.”
and then circle makes a strangled sound
somewhere between a
laugh
and a
cry
and responds
“i’m stuck between joking and saying i’m stupid too, but also telling you that it’s not stupid to be your friend.”
“yes it is. you’re crying right now, just because of me.”
and circle gasps, and she can’t tell if it’s mock or real at this point, and she really doesn’t wanna find out -
but he continues, anyway.
“you’re wrong!
you hear me?
fucking
wrong.
you’re - you’re a great person, I love talking to you, and you always - man, I could write a whole list of things that are good about you.”
she’s shocked, for a moment
because
“why?”
circle makes an inquisitive sound.
“why me, of all people? all i do is hurt my friends. i take advantage of others' forgiving nature.
why would you want me
of all people
over anyone else?”
and he pauses
and
“maybe because you haven’t hurt me yet.
maybe because it’s obvious you care.
maybe because you listen better than anyone else.
maybe, just maybe, i think you deserve another chance.”
“i’ve used all my chances.”
she jumps to say
“because maybe, no matter how hard I try, I can’t change.
maybe just because i’ve hurt so often it’s hard to love me anymore.
maybe you’re just stupid.”
but two can play at this game, because
“maybe you have hurt those close to you in the past.
maybe they deserve to be mad, hate you even.
but maybe you can move on.
maybe you can be better
for someone else
instead of just those few people.
because maybe we all need a fresh start
and just maybe
i kinda wanna be
that start
for you.”
and she’s stunned for a moment
or far more than that
because maybe she’s been in denial
that she’s a person
denial
that she deserves love too
denial
that becoming better is possible, even if it’s hard
denial
that better is different for everyone, too
and maybe it’s all that and more
cause denial is a word of god
and she’s been stuck there
for
fucking
ever.
she melts into him as he moves to hold her hand
then hug her
and it’s weird, like this
this is weird
“can we be friends?”
but
she finds
“yeah.”
she doesn’t really mind.
5.
it’s hard to trust
when all you know
is yourself
and all you have
is confidence
in your own strength
and it’s even harder to face
that maybe
you’re deteriorating
and there’s nothing you can do
because going down kicking and screaming
is not an option anymore
and god save the queen
because you’re not strong enough to stay upright, anymore
but she’s stupid
maybe they were all stupid
because she takes his hand, anyway
and leans on him
because sometimes sitting is tiring
ironically
and sometimes it’s nice to have someone help you
sometimes it’s nice to have an
alliance
or something like that
sometimes it’s nice to be
friends
or something like that
and they gather ‘round
cause it’s elimination time,
they guess
and as airy drawls above the rest
circle reminds her of a promise
and she nods
and she says the promise back to him, too
and they cross their fingers
because even if going home is what she’s always wanted
she’d suffer in circle’s arms
any day
over that.
they look up
to the skies
and maybe she cries
maybe she doesn’t
as a voice far above
much akin to a god
but more like
a demon
mumbles fondly
too fondly
and she grimaces
as he says
“circle is eliminated.”
and she can barely process it
before crumbling to the ground
as he’s ripped from under her weight
and the challenge is announced over their heads
(and what if she’s dead, forever?)
but nobody cares
because they’re by her side
in an instant
and all she can do is
sob
in a way that she would’ve called
pathetic
a few months ago
but she doesn’t now
because she knows better
because maybe they weren’t so stupid after all
and maybe, just maybe
she was the dumb one all along.
(and that’s okay, because she’s learning.)
and the sobs hurt every fiber of her being
but that doesn’t matter
because a promise is a promise
and she’ll get her way, eventually
+1.
“i need someone to test it on,”
backpack says, worriedly
and
moldy’s standing on her own again
because respawning is a gift
and she thinks for a moment
reminisces on a promise
and announces,
”try and get circle here.”
everybody looks at her
like she’s insane
insane
for wanting a friend back
insane
for suggesting to fulfill a promise
they don’t know about.
”are you sure?”
she smiles,
dully,
yet fondly,
and says
”yes.
i made a promise
and i am a person
of my word.”
so the world spins
for a sickening moment
and it crashes, and a round fuzzy man is at her feet
and he smiles
and so does she
because finally,
they are hand in hand,
once again.
finally
the promise was fulfilled.
the world spins
she holds tightly to her fresh start
a shared glance of joy
of love
as triangular grass
finally
finally
buckles away
and she’s in an old apartment,
once again
somehow clean
somehow loved
and she stands next to her best friend
and the two smile
because finally
finally
they are home.