Chapter Text
Emperor: Gentlemen, I have gathered you here to impart some unpleasant news… The level of unrest within our family is unprecedentedly high. In light of this, I have thought a while and decided to invite a family psychologist.
Malcador: (aside) Mhhm, “invited”. Had I not made a fuss and distracted him from the Crusade…
Emperor: Silence! And so, allow me to introduce… Sigmund Freud!
Lorgar: Freud? Ahem.
Emperor: Do you have an objection?
Lorgar: Err, not really. He can be Freud.
Emperor: Well, that’s not his actual name. But I want him to be Freud.
Sigmund Freud: I have familiarized myself with the problem at hand. I won’t overload you with unnecessary information, going only as far as to say that by way of therapy, I would recommend each of you care for a personal pet.
Horus: So, this menagerie isn’t here for no reason, then?
Freud: Correct! Each of you will choose a creature and care for it.
Emperor: I am giving you an order: each pick an animal. Immediately!
The primarchs surround the animals, which have bunched together fearfully, and the action begins.
Perturabo: I want that ball…
Freud: That’s an armadillo.
Perturabo: Oh, what a pleasant name for a noble animal! Perfectly suited to a true warrior. I’ll take it!
Lion: Frag! Perturabo has taken the true warriors’ animal… Oh, what is this beast? What long fur! Such crimson eyes!
Freud: Rabbit. Angora rabbit. You can knit socks and hats from its wool.
Lion: I’ll take him! I know that he will be loyal. He’ll never betray!
Freud: *scribbling some notes* Ohh-kay, who’s next?
Alpharius: Omegon and I will take the ferret.
Freud: Good choice! Will you be wanting a second one?
Omegon: Oh, no, we do everything together! We’ll care for the ferret together too.
Horus: *turning an anteater this way and that* Bloody hell…
Freud: Do you want to take him?
Horus: No way… it’s scary-looking.
Freud: Yet he has kind eyes and has slobbered all over you. So, I am prescribing you this anteater.
Fulgrim: Heh, Horus is welcome to have that thing. Meanwhile, I will be quite content to have this lovely little bird.
Freud: A peacock? I’m somehow unsurprised.
Lorgar: Hey, I’ve got a bird too! This rooster will wake me in time for morning prayers.
Freud: “The Rooster of Lorgar”… that could work.
Lorgar: Fulgrim! Your peacock is harassing my rooster.
Fulgrim: The rooster is lonely, and I sympathize.
Russ: I see you’ve got dogs, too.
Guilliman: Yes, I’ve already picked one.
Freud: The Alsatian?
Guilliman: Yes. I can just tell that she already respects the codex! …And the litter tray.
Russ: By the Kraken’s tentacles! It’s THAT VERY DOG!!!
Freud: The Chinese Crested?
Russ: You know nothing of her, buddy!
Freud: She’s also peed on your boot. It’s melting, by the way.
Russ: I’ll take her! Wow, this dog is just right for carrying under one’s arm! And what’s that beastly thing there?
Freud: Crocodile. A reptile.
Russ: Hey, Magnus! I think I’ve finally found someone more awful-looking than you!
Magnus: *takes crocodile* Fine, write the reptile up as mine. That bastard won’t calm down and leave me be no matter what I do anyway.
Freud: (to Mortarion) I see you’re sizing up the snail. This giant Achatina seems to have been made for you.
Mortarion: *contemplating a snail the size of a kitchen sink* It reminds me of home. Also, we are quite similar in temperament.
Curze: *grasping fishbowl tightly* Fishies…
Freud: *backing away just in case* I’m sure they’ll suit you just fine.
Curze: They’re. Silent.
Freud: We’ll need to order spares…
Sanguinius: This family of ermines are attacking my cloak.
Lorgar: Well, if you look at what it’s lined with… they’ve probably recognized their relatives.
Sanguinius: What horror! Well, I must at least take care of these ones.
Vulkan: I’d like to take this unremarkable animal. I doubt anyone else will want it, but I personally find it sweet.
Freud: (under his breath) what’s sweet about a platypus? (To Vulkan) Well, that’s entirely up to you.
Ferrus Manus: Brother, here is the epitome of “sweet”! *hugging a panda*
Vulkan: Your panda is quite nice too, I agree.
Khan: This horse is a bit small…
Freud: That’s a pony! For you, it’s practically a pocket-horse.
Khan: It has ribbons in its mane…
Freud: You can decorate it with skulls if you prefer, just don’t overload it.
Khan: I’ll make a man of it yet!
Angron: To be honest, I already have Betsy, but I suppose she could do with the company.
Freud: I might be going out on a limb here, but did you pick the porcupine because of its hairdo?
Angron: Oh, do you see a resemblance?
Corax: Well, I can’t seem to detach this loris, so I suppose you can write him down as mine.
Freud: Oh my, and it came to you of its own accord!
Angron: That’s because my brother is lacking in ferocity.
Corax: Just you stick to watching your porcupine, buddy.
Dorn: Cat… you came to me of all people.
Fulgrim: You better watch that thing, it’s already assaulted my peacock!
Lorgar: And my rooster.
Dorn: She’s not assaulting anyone. She’s being watchful.
Emperor: All done?
Horus: *still a little dazed and confused* Yes, papa.
Emperor: Then we’ll reconvene in a week to see how everyone is doing.