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If only there could be another way to do this
Vormir.
2014
Natasha never thought she'd live long enough to take a trip into space on an unknown planet.
She didn't even think she'd live long enough to save the world, thus buying her redemption.
Natasha was more than an assassin; she was more than what the Red Room had made her. Now she was a hero.
And like any self-respecting hero, she's going to go save the world with her friends.
Being an Avenger taught her how to have faith in humanity, to be hopeful. But the one who taught her how to being a real human, to stop being a useful weapon, to no longer be a weapon to be used and discarded, is Clint.
Clint is more than a best friend; he’s a big brother. He’s the father she’d like to have. He’s the man who, by fiercely opposing her in Budapest, saw behind the weapon, the Black Widow, a blue haired little girl who was trying to save her baby sister. A kid who played the perfect family with fake parents and a fake sister but believed in it because it was all she had.
Clint saw Natasha Romanoff when no one had really seen her in a long time.
And it’s because he saw her, because he decided that she was worth it, that Natasha is here today. That Black Widow doesn’t mean fear and danger anymore but hope, protection and Avenger.
Clint is this type of guy, with a too pure and empathetic heart, hidden being a shell of strength, bravery, secrets and distance. Natasha always jealous his capacity of being so… Human. Emotional, empathetic. She had often thought that this is what will be her undoing.
Natasha hates when she’s right.
With the SHIELD, Natasha found herself friends when she thought she’d never had any, with the Avengers, she found a family when she didn’t hope having one anymore. Clint was here every time.
But sometimes, families are shattered and friendships end.
‘cause it feels like murder to put your heart through this
Opposing Ultron and losing Pietro widen a wound in Clint which was already present since what Loki did to him. Natasha knows that when Clint saw the twins, he sees the same thing he finds in her. Watch Pietro dies was like becoming a spectator of some unavoidable fate the twins had exposed themselves to when they joined Baron von Strucker. There is only death who wait for the people doing bad choices even if they are full of bravery and willingness.
(Natasha will understand later that death also wait for the people doing the good choices. In the end, death is the only constant the only safe asset.)
Clint is a bleeding heart, he always had a hard time accepting things like they are, the harshness of life.
That’s certainly the reason why he became a spy in SHIELD; to makes things change without forgetting that he didn’t have the power of a Captain America to really make a difference.
The Sokovia’s accord finished widening Clint’s wound that was healing.
Clint wanted to quit, he wanted to take care of his kids, and just, enjoy the
And Natasha understood him, genuinely, if she could, she’d have done the same.
But Steve needed help. Steve was her friend. Her naïve, idealistic, impetuous friend but hey, you need everything in an army, don’t you?
And Tony may have been a self-destructive narcissistic megalomaniac who didn't know how to work in a team, but he was not wrong. He was a little bit too much emotional of course, but he was human, his voice was worth listening.
Since Clint had made her a human with emotions and feelings, making choices was more difficult for her. Making choices when you didn’t care about the other or what they could feel was easy. Making choices when your family was tearing each other apart irreversibly was much more complicated.
Steve was her friend, but Natasha loved what the Avengers were representing. She loved their family.
She didn’t want to lose it.
She lost it anyway.
I know I always said that I could never hurt you
When Thanos arrived, like always, they fought. Because that’s what heroes are supposed to do right? They fight until the end to protect the weakest ones, they fight for those who can’t.
And maybe, it wasn’t enough, maybe if there weren’t this conflict between them, they would have been together and they would have win.
Or maybe, they would have died together.
Natasha will never know what would have been and no matter how you looked at it, they had lost.
And being one of those who remain is much more painful than any torture séance.
Clint is not the same after his family is gone.
Natasha knows the feeling of despair which overwhelm the people who has just lost everything. The first time is always the most difficult. The following times are more bearable because the less you have to lose, the less you suffer. Clinging to the others, building relationships and creating links only makes grief harder.
So it's better not to hold on to anything, convince yourself that nothing is real,to distance yourself completely from the you have left to get used to the pain of not having it anymore.
Natasha knows that’s also the reason why Clint left. He couldn’t bear to see her die.
She’d like to tell him that she will not die, that she will never do that to him and that she will fix everything because from now on, Natasha would do anything for the people she loves. For those who remain.
But Clint isn’t here to listen. Clint don’t see her anymore.
It’s certainly what hurt the most.
Everybody seems to accept their defeat.
Steve leads a therapy group as if he wanted to honor Sam’s memory, Tony builds himself a family as if he wanted to replace theirs, replace Peter, Bruce looks like he finally found a balance between Hulk and himself, Thor is depressed, no one seems to fight, no one wants to fight anymore and Natasha finds herself alone to fight. She doesn’t want to lose hope because if she loses it, then they will have definitely lost everything. Heroes are supposed to save everyone at the end of the day, they’re supposed to represent hope. And if Natasha is the only one to have it, it’s maybe because unlike them, she wasn’t born to be a hero, she was a weapon. Perhaps the reason why Natasha is attached so desperately to this concept is because it’s all she is now, all she has.
Perhaps.
Well, this is the very, very last time I’m ever going to
And suddenly, like her prayers had been heard, Scott Lang comes back from a strange quantic universe, without the effect of the five years since their defeat and bring with him what everybody was missing. Hope.
But I know that I’ll be happier and I know you will too
“ Don’t.”
The rain wets Clint and the raindrop retrace every line of his tired face. He looks older.
And maybe it is the same for Natasha, five years have gone by and they all grew older, they all changed. Thanos did that to them.
But Clint, it’s not only the weight of years that Natasha can read on his face, it’s also sadness, despair, anger. Clint is not the same person but deep inside, there is still a little bit of the Hawkeye she knew back then, in Budapest.
“Don’t what ?” asks Natasha.
Clint is looking at her.
“Don’t give me hope,” he says.
But hope is what they need right now. Hope is what they’re all supposed to be. Hope is what they bring to people who don’t have it anymore, those who gave up, those who haven’t the strength to fight.
Hope is what makes them heroes.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you sooner,” replies Natasha.
Rain is still falling hard. She washes him of his sins, makes the still warm blood disappear at their feet. Natasha's frail hand gently grasps his. It may not mean anything to him anymore, and surely hope can't be revived so easily in someone who has none left, but Clint tightens his fingers around Natasha's hand.
Said, I know that I’ll be happier
Maybe the Avengers have returned. Maybe there is still a bit of hope.
And I know you will too
Everbody works hard on their plan. It seems harebrained, completely unattainable and crazy but it’s their only plan and everyone clings to that glimmer of hope. Natasha believes it will work and they will win. Everything will go back to the way it was before.
Eventually
“ See ya in a minute,” she smiles to Steve.
And Steve smiles too. She feels like, for a minute, that everything is fine, she’s in a plane with Steve for a mission in an unknown country and they’re talking about his love life.
But reality comes back when the machine starts and the next moment, their team is splitting up.
Eventually
Vormir.
2014.
“Under different circumstances this would be totally awesome,” says Clint, amazed.
Natasha must admit he’s right. Vormir is a beautiful planet with with dunes of a dark sand and a sun eclipse. The atmosphere is heavy in some way, but Natasha could not say why.
Wish I could turn you back into a stranger
The mountain is high, wind is blowing, and snow is falling hard. She don’t really like snow, it reminds her too much of these difficult missions, spent waiting in the cold, hiding in trees or dark alleys waiting for her target.
Clint is with her so, it warms her heart. Hearing him answer to her teasing on Rocket also warms her heart (even if he’s usually the one who makes the jokes).
“Welcome,” resonates an imperious voice.
Natasha and Clint had drawn their weapons in a second, ready to fight. Natasha is willing to do anything to come back with an infinity sone, she’s ready to put aside all her superhero principles. It’s their only chance, she will not waste it.
The person facing them looks more like a ghost, floating in the air, drapped in a dark fabric, black smoke coming out of his hood, than a human.
She is not afraid, after all, she has already seen much worse.
“Natasha, daughter of Ivan…”
She tightens the grip around her gun, wary.
“Clint, son of Edith.”
A glance at Clint tells her that he hasn't let their enemy throw him off balance.
‘Cause if I was never in your life
Clint quickly looks at her. She doesn’t need more to begin to proceed cautiously to their target. They are a tandem, two sides of the same coin. Natasha trusts him eyes closed and it’s the same for Clint, that’s the reason why they don’t need to talk.
“Who are you ? “ she asks.
“Consider me a guide. To you, and to all who seek the Soul Stone.”
It doesn’t mean anything but honestly, she didn’t really expect a logic and understandable answer.
“Oh, good. You tell us where it is. Then we'll be on our way,” replies Natasha naively hoping that it will be that easy. Hoping that they would not need to fight again, beg, sacrifice more than they can. She’s exhausted.
“Ah, Liebchen, if only it were that easy,” speaks Red Skull approaching them, revealing his monstrous face.
You wouldn’t have to change it
Red Skull leads them to the top of the mountain.
The sun eclipsed in the distance allows its red rays to go through the black clouds. The snow still falls as strong.
“What you seek lies in front of you... as does what you fear,” he says with a still compelling voice.
There is something mysterious and serious in his voice making him less human. Natasha finds it hard to believe that this is the raving Nazi that Steve once told her about, which makes her suspicious. But he’s the only one present on this planet and they don’t really have much choice than trust him.
She comes near the precipice in front of her, observing the high. This place looks like the end of something.
“The stone is down there,” she states, already thinking about a way to get down and retrieve it.
“For one of you. For the other…” adds Red Skull.
Something freezes in her because she understands immediately what he means.
And so does Clint because he comes to stand beside her.
We'll have to fight Red Skull.
“In order to take the stone, you must lose that which you love.”
But I know that I’ll be happier
Natasha has just returned to her loved ones. She has just clung with all her meager strength, to a weak but present hope that everything will get back to normal. And Clint, he’s simply broken. He already lost everything.
For whom should they still fight? Who should they still sacrifice for people who no longer exist?
“An everlasting exchange. A soul…”
Natasha looked at Clint who also looked at her without crossing her eyes.
“For a soul.”
And I know you will too
“How’s it going? ” exclaims Clint with faux-cheerfullness.
Natasha is sat down, gaze lost, hands tight.
“Jesus...Maybe he's making this shit up,” tries Clint.
And she’d really really like that. That all of this is just bullshit and that the soul stone will be played on a good old fight against a good old villain that everybody thought was dead. Being a hero was easy then, beat up bad guys, save the fate of humanity, being acclaimed by everyone… All of this was the part that required the least amount of thought, the part that Natasha liked best. Being a weapon, a tool for good.
“No. I don't think so,” says the young woman.
“Why, 'cause he knows your Daddy's name?”
“I didn’t. ”
And Clint freezes at her words.
Perhaps he too was in some sort of denial, but he seemed to realize that the situation they were facing was really complex.
“Thanos left here with the stone without his daughter. It's not a coincidence,” says Natasha, thinking aloud.
Thanos is a monster, they all know that. But in some ways, Natasha wonders if trading his own daughter for the stone really have been a sacrifice for him. Did he though about it before making this choice ? Did he looked for other solutions ? Did he cried after killing her ?
“ Whatever it takes…” she whispers quietly.
Will Clint mourn her when she dies ?
“ Whatever it takes,” answers Clint, decided.
" Whatever it takes". No matter how high is the price to pay for the stone, he will be justified and necessary for the proper implementation of the plan. For the mission. For their victory on Thanos. For the salvation of all humanity.
If Natasha was more human and more selfish, she would find this unfair. Everything they are going throught is unfair, they both lost their families after finding them, they fought with all their strength to defeat their enemy, they did all they could and usually it’s enough. It’s enough because they are heroes and heroes are never helpless against a threat, they are the ones who act to save everyone, they are hope personified. They are the proof that if you believe hard enough, every miracles are possible.
And Thanos just had to snap his fingers. He just had to snap his fingers after killing all the Asgardians, Thor’s brother, his own daughter, hundreds of Wakanda’s soldiers, Vision and half of the humanity just because he could.
It’s unfair for Natasha. But the most unfair is certainly that all those people are dead but not them. All of those who remain still must fight.
All of those who remain still must suffer.
Said I know that I’ll be happier
“If we don't get that stone, billions of people stay dead,” she says to Clint who quietly nod.
The real injustice is for these people, these family. Not Natasha who already lost everything.
It’s okay for her, she was always used to having nothing.
"Yeah," he says.
Clint looks like he already knows everything, he doesn’t to be convince. He understands her better than everyone and even if destiny or chance attributed them this ordeal, she’s relieved to have him with her. She’s not alone for what will follows.
“Then I guess we both know who it's gotta be.” She nods slowly, a lump in her throat. She hasn't felt this much stress since the first time she was abducted by the Red Room.
“ I guess we do.”
Clint’s hand come to gently find hers.
Suddenly, time seems to short. There are too many things that she wants to tell him, too much time to catch up, too many things to do to repair what compose them. She misses this time, and her only regret will surely be that she did not enjoy it enough. No, her only regret will be all the pain that her death will bring him.
Clint will really lose her, like he loses all the other before. Natasha is supposed to be the stronger one, she’s supposed to be the last bastion but she’s going to die too. She hopes that Clint will be strong for her, she hopes Clint will hold on to the hope she leaves him.
Natasha holds her tears and put her second hand on the top of Clint’s.
He looks up at her and the realization seems to hit him. A sad smile appears on his lips.
“ I'm starting to think– we mean different people here, Natasha.”
Before, when Clint said her name or called for her, there was always this something tender and playful in his voice’s tone. “Natasha”, when Clint said it, could mean "stop being so stubborn even if I love when you are” or “ I would give my life for you even if I want to kill you”. And despite the years, the suffering and the situation, her name still sounded in his mouth like a “what am I gonna do with a girl as great as you ?” exasperated.
It makes her want to cry because Clint is still the same. Even if he’s broken, lost and brittle, Clint is always Clint.
“For the last five years I've been trying to do one thing: Get to right here. That's all it's been about. Bringing everybody back.”, she says, determined.
It’s useless to try to convince Clint to let her dies but she tries anyway.
“Oh, don't you get all decent on me now.”
It’s almost mean to bring out her killer past in the face like that but she doesn’t hold it against him.
“What, you think I wanna do it? I'm trying to save your life, you idiot.”
Natasha is also trying to save the life of her own family; she is secretly trying to restore hope to the ones who did not have anymore. If Natasha dies for this hope, for their fight, then it is worth it.
That will only make them win.
“ Yeah, well, I don't want you to, how’s that ?”
She wants to yell at him everything she never have said before but she doesn’t have time, they don’t have enough time.
Clint looks serious, tears in the eyes.
“Natasha, you know what I've done. You know what I've become."
She knows. She knows that he has a dark side in him, that he let this side controls him because he’s lost, she knows that Clint is like her, a monster who tries to convince himself that he isn’t.
She knows.
But he knew for her too and it doesn’t stop him to give her a chance.
“I don't judge people on their worst mistakes.”
"Maybe you should."
"Hate me, it will be easier for you to let me die" is what Clint means by these words.
"You didn't."
Clint is going to cry too. He understands surely better than anyone of this discussion, this ordeal, will end. One of them will die. What was their "us" will end at the bottom of this cliff and the other remaining person will be alone.
It really is the end of something.
And I know you will too
When Clint looks at her, she can read all his emotions in his eyes. She can see the proudness, the sadness, the anger, the love because Clint loves her like a father, like a brother, he loves her as you love a part of yourself when you look in the mirror. Clint sees something in her that she has never been able to see, but this thing also makes him consider her as his other half.
"You're a pain in my ass, you know that?" he said, his voice almost trembling.
Natasha knows it’s his own way to say that he loves her so, she simply nods.
Her forehead rests softly on his and she’s closing her eyes, letting some quiet tears flow down her cheeks. She wants to say that she’s sorry, she wants to say that she loves him, that he must stay strong, that she’ll miss him. She wants the whole world to know that Clin Barton is a hero who let her go, her, his last bastion, his pillar and he’s fucking courageous for this. No one could surpass the devotion, the strenght and the abnegation of this guy. She wants him to take care of Yelena while she’s gone, to take care of Steve but she knows that would just be too much to ask so she doesn’t tell him.
Clint Barton will surely always remember Natasha Romanoff as this girl from Budapest who tried to kill him.
He will also remember this golden heart hero she was and that’s all she wishes.
Even if destiny is cruel enough to cut off all the time they have left, to subject them again and again to cruel trials that they will have to overcome again and again.
She inspires a great blow to keep her from breaking down.
“Okay. You win,” says Clint.
They’re looking at each other and Natasha knows she’s ready. It’s time for her end.
Clint smiles at her.
In an instant, he grabs her by the shoulder and sweeps her legs, Natasha falls on the ground, plastered against the floor.
She does not have time to let the intense feeling of betrayal seize her that Clint looks her in the eyes and says:
“Tell my family I love them.”
He looks resolved. But so is Natasha.
She broke his grip on her, pulls him by the back of the collar and manages to turn their position around. She immediately stands up, pointing her Black Widow’s bites at a downed Clint.
“You tell them yourself,” she replies.
And she shoots.
Clint is groaning of pain electrified and Natasha takes advantage of it by running to the edge of the cliff. She doesn’t think, her actions are based on instinct. If she stops, Clint will-
An arrow is fired and explodes near her. Natasha falls to the ground, hit in the ribs, by the blast of the explosion. She grunts in pain as she lies on the ground and looks up to see Clint throw down his bow and run towards the edge of the cliff.
They share a glance, for a moment, Clint seems sorry.
Clint has the audacity of looking sorry while he is ruining everything, while he is going to kill himself right there under her eyes. Natasha refuses to be a victim of a destiny they did not choose.
So, she gets up at full speed and throws herself on her friend who is falling in the void.
She holds on to him and tries to put on him her belt connect to the grapple that clung to the cliff face. Unfortunately, she is not fast enough, and they both hit one of the nearest walls with violence.
Natasha is trying to hold him with all her strengths, but she can feel his body sliding between her hands.
“ No !” she shouted, tightening her grip around his forearm.
Eventually
Natasha and Clint are both hanging above the void. She is attached to the grapple firmly anchored to the wall by the rope connected to her belt. Her body is body is sawed in two by Clint's weight pulling her down and her other hand trying to hold the rope
Clint is held up by the only force of her hand that is tightening him. Natasha grits her teeth, groaning because of the effort but she refuses to let Clint fall, she won’t let him go. Clint never leaved her, Clint doesn’t deserve to die, Clint is her best friend and her hero she doesn’t want to see him die. She’s tired of seeing people die.
“ Fuck,” she growls while seeing slowly the arm of Clint slipping.
And he looks at her, silent. As if she was the most beautiful thing in the world, as if she was not saving his life.
He smiles at her. “ Clint, Clint you bastard, don’t do this to me, I swear to God if you do this… If you do thi…” She can't keep the sob from breaking her voice and the tears from rolling down her cheeks.
"Clint, I beg you, please don’t leave me !”
His body slides a bit more toward the void.
Natasha tries to squeeze harder, but she can’t, she feels like no matter what she does, Clint is going to die. She’s powerless.
“Natasha, Nat. It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay,”
She shakes her head. It’s not fine, it’s never going to be okay anymore because she’ll be alone. She needs him, everybody needs him.
Why did fate have to be so hard on them? Was this the price for being a hero?
"Hey, look at me, it’s gonna be alright, okay? All of this, it’s not your fault. You did everything you could, but we don’t always win, you know that,”
She hates the ways he talks like he’s already dead. She hates the way her weak body is dropping Clint, the way she feels like dying a little more every time she watches her best friend smiling at her so sadly.
"Clint…" she wails as if her weak words would change the outcome of their destiny.
Clint was destined to die as Natasha was doomed to live. Wasn’t that their greatest injustice?
“Look after everyone for me, okay?” he asks.
He’s crying too, he’s suffering too.
Natasha nods slowly, her body shaken by more sobbing.
“I’m proud of you Nat. I’ll always be proud of you.”
And on these last words, Clint let himself fall into the void.
Natasha screams when she sees him fall. She still screams when his body hits the ground, it seems to break into a thousand pieces. She still screams when the blood flows around him. He is inert, like a disjointed puppet, with a blank stare. Natasha screams at the top of her voice, as if some merciful god would hear her complaints.
When Natasha opens her eyes, she’s laying on water.
The eclipsed sun is still in the sky of Vormir. Natashe is alone, the stone in her hand.
"Whatever it takes"
Clint Barton is dead, and Natasha suddenly wonders if the fate of humanity is worth the life of her best friend.