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silence was poison for soyeon. she had gotten so used to the loudness of others, of her, that she had almost forgotten what the walk from her apartment sounded like without someone talking in your ear.
only the sound of the occasional car and the leaves crunching under her shoes could be heard as she walked. well, that and her thoughts. her thoughts felt so loud yet so simultaneously quiet, like a battle to keep herself from thinking at all or screaming out loud to everyone.
it had been going on all day. she expected it, it was an anniversary after all. soyeon even ended up getting off at work early, unable to do her job in current state of overthinking. she didn’t plan to, but it seemed like she had a one track mind. with every quiet moment, only one thing came to her mind, or rather one person.
soyeon remembers the last day she saw her. she remembers how it was just as cloudy as it was today. she remembers seeing her figure as soon turned the corner, the rain no longer falling on her as she stepped under the cover created by the overhang of her apartment roof.
“you know, you don’t have to wait for me after work everyday,” the older girl says as she shakes the water drops off of her rain jacket.
pushing herself up from the harsh concrete steps, yuqi stands before letting out an exasperated sigh. “yeah? then maybe i’d never see you. god, why even have an apartment if you’re just gonna end up sleeping in your studio all the time?”
the shorter girl tilts her head in confusion.. “why wait for me if you don’t know where i’m going to end up sleeping?” soyeon asks carefully, cocking an eyebrow up when she sees the orange hair girl huff.
“cause you know i’m here, waiting for you,” the chinese girl states matter-of-factly. the older gawks at her forwardness. all soyeon can do is shake her head, trying to get rid of the rapidly deepening blush on her cheeks. the embarrassment of being read so easily doesn’t go away, even when soyeon pulls out her keycard, fumbling with the door’s handle.
she knows she hasn’t been the best girlfriend as of late with how busy she is. all she can hope is that being together tonight will be enough for now. she needs it to be enough.
soyeon clutched the stem of the flowers tightly, her throat constricting harshly as the memory replayed in her head.
this happened almost every time. an inescapable cycle of her own regrets being played constantly. it caused her to chicken out almost every time she planned to go see yuqi, as if going to see her would make everything more real. as if things weren’t already real seven months ago. she couldn’t chicken out this time, it was a special occasion after all, she had to visit her in person. having someone else deliver these flowers in soyeon’s place wasn’t enough. yuqi deserved better.
she remembers the morning after the last day she saw her. they had spent all night in each reveling in each other's presence, watching shitty television at 11, trying to make up for all the time apart.
she moved her hand, shielding her face from the rays of light streaming through the blinds. it seemed as if the clouds had finally temporarily parted, much to soyeon’s annoyance.
even in soyeon’s sleepy haze, she could feel something was wrong. turning her body over to her right, she looked for her bedmate. instead, her eyes met the empty space beside her where the chinese girl typically resided. her eyebrows knitted together in confusion at the sight in front of her before making a move to grab her phone on her nightstand.
“5:38” was the only thing the screen showed and a single notification showing other than a small weather alert. she blinked rapidly, as if a new text would pop up if she did.
it didn’t.
she forced her body up, hastily throwing the sheets off herself, before engaging in a fruitless search for her girlfriend in the other rooms of soyeon’s small apartment.
YUQI🦒
where’d you go?
hello?
where are you?
the dewy grass quickly wet the small girl’s shoes. she never quite liked wet grass, for as pretty as it was, it would also get the cuffs of her jeans wet if she dared to wear low profile shoes. yuqi never liked when she wore her higher profile shoes though, always complaining that it made them the same height. for today, soyeon would suck it up. being in love meant making sacrifices. she wished she knew that then.
soyeon pulled her mask down, letting the chill of the winter air hit her face as she approached the place she knew yuqi would be. it was near silent as she stared, only the birds chirping in the background daring to make a sound. she took a deep breath, bracing herself for a conversation she wished she could’ve had earlier. bending down, she gently placed the yellow flowers just in front of the headstone, careful to not block the engraving at the bottom. when she stood back up, she felt a shiver come across her body, almost like a silent cry.
“i got you sunflowers this time. they remind me of you,” soyeon finally staredt, her cold breath shaky as it hit the air in front of her. she looked up at the cloud filled sky, desperate to not let the tears spill out like the last time she had gone to see her. after a minute of deafening silence, she inhaled sharply, returning her eyes to the headstone of her once lover to finally continue with the words she had desired to say earlier.
“y’know, you left before i woke up. i know you wanted me to sleep in for once, but i wish you would’ve said goodbye.” soyeon gripped the hem of her shirt tightly and she spoke, rapidly clenching and unclenching her fist as she tried to figure out what to say next. “part of me hates you for that. i hate the fact that the last show we every watched together was stupid fucking pretty little liars. i hate the fact that my last words to you were a sleepy ‘fuck you,’ i said while barely conscious. i hate the fact that i never even got to say goodbye. i hate the fact that you’re not here.” the words came out broken, each sentence bringing her closer to falling apart like she had done so many times before.
the birds had gotten silent. maybe they were mourning with her. or, maybe it was because of the light rain that had started to drop down on the city, almost as if taking pity on soyeon and crying for her so she didn’t have to..
she had more to say, but she knew if she kept going, every bit of guilt and grief that she had been festering since the car accident would spill out. part of her wasn’t ready, at least not to do it all at once. ‘one step at a time’ is what she told herself when she came here. she would bite her tongue, for both her own and yuqi’s sake.
she turned her body around, unable to look at yuqi’s name engraved on the stone anymore. with one last breath, she would walk away. maybe in a way, she had chickened out after all, but to soyeon, this was one step closer to closure.
she took a deep breath, a desperate attempt at making sure her next words were calm and clear.
“happy birthday yuqi. i wish i could’ve spent it with you.”