Work Text:
passing along the sheltered crowd in the rain, xiao observed the pitter and patter of the raindrops over the umbrellas he overtook. what difference does it make hiding from the tears of the gods that watch over them as they casually step over puddles of it with their own feet? like he had the right to say that. perhaps this was the celestia’s way of saying that the rain treats everyone the same, much like how everyone treats it the same.
xiao knew the tears of the gods would never be enough to wash away the blood that tainted his clothing, the anger that grew within him like another person, it was rather pathetic of him to think he would be able to wash away the rage of the gods with their sorrow, even more so for drenching himself when he could be was at risk of getting unwell. knowing human medicine won’t work on him, it isn’t a bright idea to stay in this form. he shouldn’t trouble the others by making medicine just because he was soaked in the rain and got sick.
a sigh left his mouth. i should hurry and return at once. xiao opens his mouth and takes a damp breath in. “ you’ve been breathing rather easy now. ” his chest felt as if something sharp had pierced through his chest. by instinct, xiao lowers his gaze to see his chest unscathed. he raises his hand, his palm meeting the frigidness of his clothes as it rises slowly, confused. then he feels the beating of his heart.
“ not once have i heard your breathing to be stable, it was either hitched or shaken. ” even that he knows too? the wind is to be not underestimated at all. xiao pressed his lips firmer to not let a single sigh out. he held in his breath as well. “ even the very same sighs and the air you inhale, i could tell. ” the anemo archon grinned at the sight of a tense yaksha before him, poor thing. hoping to soothe the air between them and xiao himself.
the anemo archon’s gaze softens as he reaches his hand out, an object in his hand. “ as your god, if i ever hear your breathing like that once more, i will ease it. ” xiao dared not to take his eyes off of the anemo archon but as he swung his arm slightly to make the object in his hand glimmer in the setting sun just a little more, he finally cast his gaze downwards.
“ a vision? i am undeserving of such. ” the anemo archon nodded.
“ it’s your vision. do whatever you wish with it. ”
“ if you may allow me to use this on the battlefield… ” the sound of his laughter sang. the anemo archon finally sets foot on the greenery beneath him which caused xiao to step forward thinking he had to aid him. the archon held his hand up and xiao stopped in his tracks at once. the hand that covered the sun was now holding his, the vision in his left hand. “ the wind is not always gentle and forgiving. sometimes it swirls up a whirlpool where no one can escape, it swirls up a hurricane that can take the homes of many. you may sharpen the wind at your command, it’s your weapon now. ”
xiao raises his head, the sun completely sunken behind barbatos. to him, in his eyes, the emerald in the anemo archon’s eyes was far more blinding than the glimmering vision that was of the same color, far more blinding than the glistening greenery that basked in the sun beneath their feet. his chest felt something sharp strike. it was barbatos’s finger.
“ i am eternally grateful. ”
“hello? hello, are you there?” xiao returns to his senses, immediately feeling as if he was freezing. “you’ve been standing in the rain for how long now, you might get sick!” ah, that was one of his concerns before retreating to his memories with barbatos. he’s undeniably soaked now, his hair now making him appear like an abandoned animal.
“sick?”
“yes, sick! take this umbrella.” the woman extends her arm out, an extra umbrella in her hand. this somehow feels familiar. now a part of her is dampened as well. xiao grabs the umbrella, not wanting to waste more time than he already has, and the woman smiles at him as he opens it up and puts it over his head.
“that’s more like it!”
“sick…” xiao trails off, his eyes now elsewhere.
“hm?”
“my chest feels heavy and it feels as though something is spreading within it.”
as xiao continues to stroll past the sea of people, the wind frolics with his wet locks of hair and he instinctively sucks his breath in, that thing in his chest threatening to make him gasp for air and burst out. even then, xiao takes each step forward in a casual manner, feigning indifference. he turns his head out to the horizons greeted by grey skies everywhere his eyes land and his chest tightens at the realization he’d been looking out for barbatos; there were numerous occasions when he would descend from the skies to greet rex lapis before meeting eyes with the yaksha.
whenever xiao caught the anemo archon’s gaze, his mind would race through that memory of receiving his vision. the sinking sun as if bowing to the god before it, the limping blades of grass as if kneeling, and those eyes that outshined everything else. but those days were long gone and so was he.
the wind gradually dies out and xiao finally exhales, knowing full well the wind won’t pick up again. his eyes returned to the land before him, he was but far from his destination. though he’s unsure where to go. if he had, he would’ve been there at once. through his vision, xiao cuts the distance like a gust of wind. it was easy to travel as it became habituated for him to do so, accompanying rex lapis and barbatos along with his other comrades.
the other yakshas would round the archons, especially the electro one, and barbatos would be entertained by their antics every single time. xiao would watch back, his eyes following barbatos’s movements. the way he would lean closer in sheer interest, the way he would rock back in shock, the way his hands clap, the way his smile would grow wider after teasing rex lapis, the way he would steal glances at xiao and look back… huh?
“ why don’t you look at others too? ” barbatos nags once he walks over, but his smile indicates this was yet another tease. xiao couldn’t think of anything to retort to his comment and simply stands in wordless awe once again when barbatos squats beside him.
“ i could say the same thing to you as well, ” he says, after the deafening silence. barbatos laughed, he laughed . even xiao couldn’t help but feel bubbly and light at the sound of it. a smile appeared on his lips. barbatos raised his shoulders airily after, reciprocating xiao’s smile. “ i simply can’t help it when there’s someone intently watching me. it’s like your gaze would pierce through me. ”
i made him feel this way?
xiao stoops his head low, ashamed he’s been caught. even then, there’s still this indescribable feeling that feels light as feathers , as barbatos so often loved saying, yet bristling as if something was holding him down. it feels guilty having made barbatos feel that way but his brilliant bantering makes it seem like it wasn’t all that displeasing.
“ you barely breathed, were you that distracted by my beauty? ” xiao pressed his lips together. this was, yet again, those times barbatos was direct in a concealed frolicsomeness.
he knew that, they both knew that.
" yes, " xiao inhaled rather sharply.
" i find the way you sit before me rather hypnotic, barbatos. ” barbatos’s grin diminishes and flattens, it was the first that the anemo yaksha has ever spoke in such a way that stirred his jest from within, ultimately turning against him.
in other words, barbatos was flustered.
but he didn’t exactly dislike it, no. in fact, he’s embraced it.
barbatos slid his arm over his thigh before using his palm as a place of rest, flashing xiao another smile.
“ you finally called me by my name. ”
it was the start of a time of clumsy amity. mornings spent in lively play, barbatos soaring across the skies, his hands extended out to reach the celestia but instead met with empty clouds that left his palms just a little bit damp. xiao would always accompany him, much to the anemo archon’s request and rex lapis would strangely allow it each time. and each time, xiao would always catch barbatos’s smile through the clouds.
though, nothing really rivals the time when the sun begins to embrace the horizons. or was it the horizons that embraced the sinking sun? xiao shakes his head, his fingers locking onto the umbrella.
why does he always return to that time?
where he needs to return to is the inn. but, his feet remain on the ground, he tells himself that it isn't too inconvenient to travel by foot sometimes. though, xiao knew what was really his desire.
the wind gathers its pace and the cold hits xiao's back, causing him to turn his head. “ xiao~! ” barbatos strikes his hand on xiao's back. his hand frigid, xiao jumps and swings himself around, his eyes sharp at barbatos.
barbatos blinks, his hand still upright. after recalling the sudden heat of xiao's back, he realizes.
“ oh, you should definitely visit dragonspine someday. it's far colder with all the snow .” xiao's stance eases and his head perks. “ snow? ” barbatos nodded.
“ why, of course! ” rex lapis clears his throat to catch barbatos's attention before dragging him away by the ear. barbatos whines as he continuously smacks the geo archon with xiao shadowing behind, a curious glint in his eyes.
“ barbatos? barbatos? ” seems like he can't be heard through barbatos's cries and rex lapis's scolding. he wanted to ask about the snow.
xiao groans. why did he allow himself to recall the entire memory of it? his innocence at times makes him want to abandon his own self.
the wind remains to swirl the waters beneath him and he feels as though his entire body is exposed. how vindictive. every inch of him known before the anemo god with this wind as his aid, not leaving anything untouched. is he still out there somewhere, listening to the sound of his sighs? to the sound of every plash of water wrinkling beneath his steps? to the sound of his pounding heart, warning him of divulging further into his memories yet aching all the same to relieve those days, to see even a strand of his hair gliding through the air?
xiao, at last, arrives at a familiar place as some form of temporary shelter from the rain. he closes the umbrella, feeling his longing throb even more. he shuts his eyes while pressing his lips, telling himself to settle down. it wasn’t long until it responded — “this will eat you alive before we do,” the voices from within give notice. xiao darts his eyes away, already thinking of something else.
this is the place rex lapis— zhongli frequents with that parlor director to speak of business. ah, now that he’s touched that topic, he rarely sees the former geo archon nowadays but occasionally receives news about him every now and then. if zhongli comes to hear about xiao’s trouble, not only would it be humiliating, he would definitely do something about it. this is his own battle, he cannot involve the peace that zhongli has now.
“yet you cannot spare yourself even a pinch of comity, how pitiful.”
xiao stays in silence.
“it is no confoundment that you behave this way towards yourself and feel resentment swell and spread similarly to wildflowers. you’ve surrendered everything to that god of yours since that detestable day, now they’re all nothing but ghouls that shadow you wherever you go.” xiao sucks in his breath, feigning his lack of composure though the aching that intensified the heat spreading all over his chest begs to differ.
“barbatos will never ease your sear, much less your erratic breathing.”
whatever expression was on xiao’s face, it had completely drowned away from his tears. he could only hope his heat would cease them into the damp air.
the voices from within felt nothing but pity for the adeptus, though their resentment remains.
“some god he is.”
“ xiao… ” barbatos whispered, trailing down his palm over the lone adeptus's cheek. xiao maffles out a groan but says nothing, still asleep.
barbatos kneeled next to him, his fingers now leaving xiao's skin and his eyes darted around to the slightest of movement. “ you've been there for me and yet i am unable to even act my part as your god. hah, who am i kidding? not even anyone's god. ”
the anemo archon shook his head, putting a stop to his sudden outburst. “ yet you still… ” barbatos placed a hand over his chest before taking in a breath. he arranged his posture before calling upon the appearance of something that was given upon him by the geo archon.
the dihua flute.
with the instrument in his hands, barbatos allowed the wind he's summoned to blow as gently as it could and he placed his lips over the flute.
“ i believe that it is something only you could do, barbatos. ”
“ do what? ” rex lapis leaves the anemo archon briefly without a word, it was definitely his manner to be this way. it reminded him how similar xiao was around him.
barbatos finds himself smiling at the thought of the adeptus.
soon enough, rex lapis returns to him with a case. barbatos instinctively positioned his hands outward and there, the case sat on his palms.
“ open it. ”
barbatos does so at once. his eyes grow wider.
“ a flute. ”
rex lapis nods, crossing his arms.
“ it once belonged to xiao, ” just when things could not get any more surprising.
“he used to play the flute alongside the goddess of dust. the other yakshas soon joined him in practice, though they only came to hear him play in the end.”
xiao used to play an instrument. then it holds no surprise that his breathing in the day…
“ xiao has long ceased to play. it is still in good condition and you have the responsibility for it to remain that way. ” such a tall order.
“ only you would be able to. ” barbatos knew what rex lapis meant by it.
barbatos closes his eyes, fully immersed in his playing which to him was amusingly peculiar. since when was i this fixated on doing all of this?
he was aware deep down, that all of this was half-witted. acting on impulse, in the heat of the moment — barbatos couldn't deceive himself that he knew.
he's already deceived such loyalty.
despite that, xiao remained sincere. and it felt unfair. it was all unfair. that barbatos himself was unfair. the thought of his freedom came to mind but he knew, and it haunted him, that he's running away.
it wasn't anything new.
the burning sensation enveloped his chest and poured out of him, from his lips. barbatos wanted to scream, his own frustration eating at him. this must be what xiao has to go through everyday.
no, it is much more solemn than mine. his own life is at risk. the rage of the gods…
please allow me to quell the agitation, even for a short while.
xiao stirs, his body twisting. barbatos opens his eyes but does not cease playing.
allow me to be a god just this short while.
barbatos pants as he places the flute on his thighs, his eyes glued on xiao's now tranquil face. he perceives a sudden feeling of achievement but soon realizes that what he's done is miniscule compared to xiao.
nonetheless, barbatos is relieved.
but it wouldn't be enough.
barbatos concealed his line of sight, not wanting to indulge even more after seeing xiao in such a calm state than he has ever seen him. even after his attempts at unwinding the yaksha, xiao retained the same aloofness. “ barbatos, i have this feeling that my ability to breathe is taken away from me for some time whenever i look at you. it has started long ago and yet i still have no solution to it. nor understand what it is. ”
the anemo archon stifles his laughter behind his hand to which xiao raises his brow at. barbatos cleared his throat after spotting xiao's expression.
“ your innocence is beyond amusing, xiao! ”
xiao blinks.
“ even like that… ” he trails off, catching barbatos's attention. he hums in curiosity, signaling xiao to continue. as if feeling caught, xiao turns his gaze upward, now staring at the sky where barbatos was moments ago. he senses his cheeks grow warm and his chest, as though there was something bubbling up from within him.
“ i fail to find words once i look at you. i feel not like myself once you are gone. i hear songs once you laugh. what exactly are you? ”
these were the times that barbatos would realize the gravity of what they are, of what they've become to be able to tell each other such flowery things to one another.
he felt his heart sink.
xiao is truly serious. and he's only frolicking around.
yet he feels as enchanted as the adeptus.
every time xiao would answer his calls every single time, already sticking close to him, as aloof as he may be. every time he catches xiao smiling along with him, as much as he tries to hide it. every time xiao would treat him like some sort of delicate thing, as he denies that he cares that much.
every time xiao would watch him glide through the skies, he felt seen. every single time xiao would say his name, he felt loved.
is it alright for me to say your name one more time?
despite the numbing warmth of his body, barbatos's tears were cold enough to remind him that crying before the yaksha when he's supposed to soothe him is…
pathetic.
then something reaches out, taking hold of his wrist. xiao? but he should be asleep, that is until i woke him up by weeping.
“ barbatos? ”
xiao lowered the anemo archon's hand, revealing puffy eyes and moist cheeks. he wasted not a second and sat upright.
the yaksha attempted to regain his senses as he only just woken up with barbatos remaining silent. xiao's gaze jump from one place to another, barbatos's mouth, then his hands, before setting eyes on the flute on the anemo archon's lap.
“ is something the matter, barbatos? ”
barbatos wanted to click his tongue at himself, and at xiao. always putting him before himself. it's always been like that.
but that's what he also admired. such a selfless warrior. to imagine that a yaksha is much more selfless than i, a god.
“ nothing, did i wake you? ”
“ i had a dream. ”
a… dream?
xiao shakes his head. “ you've wept. that is not something you usually do. ”
“ did you like how i played? it's quite the performance, isn't it? ”
xiao presses his lips, refraining himself to voice out his initial thoughts. he then nods, smiling at barbatos.
the yaksha notices another tear slip down barbatos's cheek and his gaze softens.
“ my hands will wipe away as many tears, they are there for that purpose. ” xiao places a hand over barbatos's cheek, clearing away all of the dampness.
“ as your protege, i will not allow barbatos in any sort of pain. ”
xiao finds comfort leaning on his wrist, pretending that it were barbatos's shoulder. hoping, silently praying for his own soothe.
the rain begins to subside and allow the sun to break through the clouds, xiao coughed as his final tears left him.
on the path home, the yaksha goes still as the clouds reveal the sinking sun. here it goes again, that aggravating sun. and he's reminded of it all yet again. the voices from within snicker.
“now you are aware of how helpless you are?”
“quiet down.”
“you are not playing along today.”
“nor do i plan to any time.” the voices from within then snaps him to a different reality enveloped in crimson red and xiao slumped over.
the voices from within take shape, his shape, amusing themselves at the sight of a helpless xiao.
“aw, poor yaksha cannot even raise his head. we've been far too forgiving of you.” xiao breathes heavily, his outside vessel reaching for his mask as he attempts to break free from the sashes within. the voices from within chuckle and with a flick of a finger, xiao's arm fling upwards and becomes still. their laughter grows in volume as they ball their hands into fists, causing the sashes to round him tighter.
xiao hurls, gagging out as his eyes closed. the voices from within then cackled, having gained full pleasure at his enervation. “this is your punishment! how dare you live a leisurely life when you've done nothing but take the lives of those around you!” xiao continues to cough, unable to do anything.
“and here you are, devoting your entire disgraceful life to some god who abandoned you!”
one of the sashes snap and the voices from within jerk their head to see one of xiao's arms free from their hold, his vision glowing. the yaksha proceeds to writhe free as the wind he's summoned sharpens. the voices from within recover their composure, commanding the sashes to mend and regain his captivity. but it was already far too late, xiao cuts his distance and grabs the voices from within that materialized as him by the neck.
his grip tightens as he breathes, the wind growing wilder around them. the voices from within struggle to say a word before retreating to his body in the form of his well-known stygian and jade aura, his sights returning back to reality.
xiao grabs his mask, wearing it without a moment's waste. he huffs, heaving out heavy sighs. after recovering his composure, xiao looks around him. it's already late at night. and he's nowhere near wangshu inn. how ideal, he shouldn't have used his vision within that domain, it was far too obstinate for him to use.
xiao's head begins to throb and he falls to his knees, losing the stability of his breathing yet again. threatening his prudence, the aura becomes darker and starts to cloud his view.
the yaksha calls out his weapon to use as something to ground him and lean onto. he slowly lifts himself up to his feet, letting his weapon lead his way home.
it was nothing but deafening whispers that filled his head, he couldn't even think of getting home, simply walking the path without a second thought.
give in.
those words repeated in xiao's mind causing him to dig his nails into his palms to hold himself together, he had to. but his mind couldn't handle the weight of the voices that seemed to only multiply with each passing second and xiao growled, looking up at the sky.
the moon greets him.
and the sound of a familiar tune makes its way to his ears. in an instant, the tune caresses xiao in a way he's known long ago. the wind embraces him, causing xiao to finally cast his head low with his eyes catching sight of a lad cladded in green.
with the aura now cleared away, the view before him becomes clear and he has never felt more relieved to be able to see.
the lad resumed playing, not intending to stop at any time. it reminded xiao of something — of someone. there is only one person who played that tune.
there is only one person who could soothe him.
xiao dared not say anything, he didn't even need to say a word. he could only stare at the person in front of him. and there, a single tear glistened like moonlight.
even now, he outshines everything.