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When we compare desires against needs we can sometimes minimize what we want, there are many factors that can influence our perspective and make us believe that we have a simple, passing whim. But what happens when we realize that these desires, although not essential to life, are actually essential to our happiness?
Shu, being Shu, one of the first things she did after she began her transition was to buy new clothes and shoes. She had recently acquired a beautiful array of elegant and delicate dresses that she had never thought she would own for herself, she had always pushed the feminine roles out of herself, transferring them to Mika or Mademoiselle, while self-forcing to project another kind of image... Changing this mindset was gradual, daring to reject the gender roles society established was facing conflicts of the past again. This time, at least winning a victory of security and self-affirmation.
However, this victory suffered from a slight imbalance. Shu acknowledged that the feeling of having worn a dress after so many years was empowering and liberating, a key moment with no return of her own story, something that had been locked away for a long time and returned to see the light of a new day. And that could be both positive and negative. Shu wore female clothing during a large part of her childhood, giving it up for social and bodily reasons; not only did children her age mock her, not only did most of her family not understand "what was wrong with their son," but also her body began to change, stripping her of that beautiful androgyny that once characterized her.
It is important to notice that her family was not bad, they were not demons, sometimes her frustration towards them is misunderstood. You need to remember that any other mother might have strongly reprimanded her son after he broke her favorite snowball, while Shu's mother was rather saddened by what had happened to her little boy . Sometimes, having good people around you who are not supportive can be as difficult as having nasty people who are also not supportive, because the first makes you doubt: These people have always been with me, except now, is it because what I am doing is really wrong ?
Lack of support could strike in many different ways. That's why having Mika as his unwavering support... meant more than words could convey, Shu tried not to be too emotional, but Mika's support was one of her greatest treasures, one that she held near to her heart. It carried a weight of greater value, more than any number could express.
Which brings us back to where we started: Shu had bought new dresses, it filled her with happiness and satisfaction to wear them, but they also brought back memories of the past, specifically those where she found herself dissatisfied with how the dresses fit her body.
Mika played an important role in overcoming the difficulty, first by reminding her that she could always use padding to get to the figure that would make her feel more comfortable, then by helping her to take the measurements, and finally by offering to sculpt the foam hip pad himself. He didn't even find it as tiring as it could be, since it was something he did with love, effort and dedication, everything to help his Shu to experience what he felt when he saw himself in front of the mirror, since in Mika’s case, his own reflection was more in line with himself.
The whole process had been long but it was worth it to get to where she was now.
Shu felt nervous when she bought her first —pocket— bra, she had preferred to do it online because she didn't think she could comfortably handle walking along an aisle while thinking about the people around her, the very idea caused her anxiety, she was going through a sensitive phase right now; as it was still the first steps, she didn't intend to speed up the process either. Mika provided the reassurance to remind her that the pace she was going at was no less valid.
Choosing the size of the bra and the silicone inserts had been a bit embarrassing. When Mika measured her chest he made a few "observations" of how wide Shu's chest already was, with a far from innocent smile decorating his face. Inwardly Shu acknowledged that "the tacky joke" had taken away some of the tension she was carrying, but outwardly it had only come as scolding to her husband —however, Mika knew he wasn't in trouble, because even though Oshi-san looked angry, her red cheeks told him all that he needed to know.
They reached the final outcome with no rush in their passing days.
A long purple, high-necked Victorian dress slipped over Shu's body, the soft, comfortable fabric flowed over the sinuous river of her silhouette, above it, a corset accentuated her waist and while the dress’ shoulders were broad they were no less feminine. They were adorned by a light floral pattern in a darker shade than the color of the dress. The padding had been properly blended, with no mistakes to ruin her fantasy. It looked so real she couldn't believe it, Shu’s reflection still looked speechless in the mirror after several minutes. For the first time the girl she once was saw the woman she was always meant to be. She had no words to describe how she felt, but in that moment, she knew she always wanted to feel this way. It was strange, but so familiar. And a part of her felt like she was finally true to herself.
Being able to contemplate herself in the mirror like this had been cathartic, so many things fell into place, even those she didn't remember. It was something so intimate, personal, fulfilling, that a few tears escaped during this step of the journey.
At least she hadn't put on her makeup before this, she didn't want to keep her date waiting.
Mika wanted to celebrate the occasion with Shu, so he asked his wife out on a date. They had scheduled it during dinner, opting for an indoor date to avoid overwhelming Shu with too much going on simultaneously. Shu gladly accepted, feeling lucky not only to be embracing the person she was, but also because she has someone who had always embraced her, even in her most vulnerable moments.
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As Mika watched Shu walk down the stairs, he could feel his eyes drawing two hearts as his lips parted, entranced, amazed at the grace and beauty that his wife conveyed. Every step Shu took deserved to be framed as part of an exhibit in a fine art museum, Mika was convinced of it, he knew there could be no artistic work in this world that was more beautiful than his Shu. And any opinion other than that was wrong.
He tried to tell her that she looked amazing, but the words wouldn't come out of his mouth. It's not that he didn't have any, it's just... have you ever been in front of something or someone that is so beautiful that it seems like everything known in this world is not enough to describe it? That was happening to Mika. Because Shu could have worn any dress tonight, and she would still look radiant, what was conveyed by her smile, her eyes, her whole body language, all that was the most Shu Mika had ever seen in her life.
Now, Shu had gained quite a bit of height with heels and a fancy feathered hat —that Mika didn't know when she had bought it—, hence Mika looked, and also felt, smaller. The difference in height brought something he greatly liked, regardless of not knowing what it was.
"You also look beautiful tonight, Mika." Shu and Mika could recognize what the other was thinking without needing to say it, their communication had become that deep. Therefore, Shu knew what was going on in Mika's head and praised him as well.
Mika was a little surprised, though not too much. He also took care of his appearance tonight, wearing another beautiful dress. His was more of a dark lolita style, it had two skirt lengths, both being bell-shaped and above the knee, yet one layer was thinner and fell over the other, allowing a different texture to show through the ruffles at the end of the skirt. He also included some ribbons in his look, a headband with black roses and lastly some gloves with bow straps that matched his long boots.
Somehow, their fashions always matched in the best way. Especially now, when they were true to their essence. True to them.
Their date was destined to be spectacular.