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January 1974 (3rd year)
James’ first kiss was in 3rd year, with a Gryffindor called Mary. Before this point, girls were a mystery to James and when she had plonked herself on the couch next to him and asked if he wanted to kiss her, well he wasn’t going to say no. She was pretty and smelt nice- like cherries and vanilla. Mary admitted in hushed tones that she had a bit of a crush on James and he saw no reason to turn down his first ever kiss. But the kiss itself was underwhelming, James had heard stories of your magical first kiss, the one where everything just clicked into place and you had found the love of your life. This was nothing like that. It was just kind of… wet.
The kiss was over quickly, after maybe 3 seconds he pulled away and James just smiled at the girl until she eventually left. He didn’t think he spoke to her again for a few years at least. They never really brought up this first kiss either, both were embarrassed by their young naivety. James couldn’t figure it out, wasn't kissing supposed to be good? James had not yet come to the conclusion that maybe he just didn’t fancy Mary. That didn’t happen until his second kiss: Remus.
The kiss with Remus happened a couple of months later. It was just after the end of the Christmas holidays and James was struggling. He couldn’t understand why he wasn’t getting “crushes” on girls, I mean the way he felt about a girl was just the same he felt about boys. He didn’t feel anything special that told him he liked them. Then Remus told his friends, late one night in their dorm that he was gay. Sirius hadn’t taken it very well, the two didn’t speak for a while after that but James was simply curious. Why would anyone like boys? Didn’t that defeat the whole purpose of “liking” someone if you just felt that way for your friends too? But it didn’t take long for James to think about this a little more critically.
“Can we talk?” James had crawled into Remus’ bed, waiting until he was sure the others were asleep but knowing that Remus would still be awake reading. Remus jumped in surprise when he saw James.
“Uh, yeah I mean can it wait till tomorrow?”
“No, I don’t think it can. I would prefer Sirius didn’t listen in on this,” James fidgeted below the covers.
“Ok, what you wanna talk about?”
“Sooo, this is going to sound really strange, but you know how you told us you were… you know.”
“Do you mean gay?” Remus cocked an eyebrow looking slightly amused but very wary. James supposed it was fair enough after Sirius.
“Yeah.”
“If you have come to ask me to stop getting undressed around you then the answer is no we share a room,” Remus said flatly.
“Oh, god no, what? Did Sirius say that? I’ll talk to him I promise. No, I mean Jesus, that’s not my question, I don’t care about that. I just… well…” James trailed off, unsure how to continue. Remus said nothing apart from looking at him with grateful exhaustion.
“I just wanted to know, why are you… like you are?”
“You can say gay James. And are you asking what made me realise I was gay?”
“Yes, I am,” James let out a sigh of relief that his friend had interpreted the question correctly.
“Wow, I sure did not see that one coming.” Remus paused for a second to think before continuing. “Well honestly I don’t know, I think I just realised that I really want to kiss guys.” James let out a huff of laughter at that. “I didn’t ever feel like kissing girls and it just kind of made sense.” Remus spread his hands out a little hopelessly.
“Have you tried kissing guys?”
“Yes James, a couple of times that’s how I know I like it.”
“So if I hadn’t kissed a guy then I wouldn’t know if I liked it?” James couldn’t stop thinking that kissing must be good with someone right?
“James, do you want me to kiss you so you know what it’s like?” Remus cut off his train of thought abruptly.
“No of course not, I just need- well I just want to know… I think that… maybe you should.”
That was what James considered his first kiss. Remus leant over to him, still lying in his bed, and pressed his lips to James’. It was slightly awkward and didn’t last very long but James suddenly got it. He wasn’t really attracted to Remus but he wanted to kiss him. He liked doing it. After a couple of seconds in silence, James simply nodded and the awkwardness was broken.
“Good for you James, talk tomorrow?” Remus lay back down in bed completely as James jumped out and went back to his own bed. He lay in bed realising what this meant. The word that James couldn’t even say. That’s what he was. James was… gay. It was too hard to think about at that moment and James fell asleep.
December 1974 (fourth year)
By fourth year Sirius had changed his opinion on being gay. This mainly came about after he realised that it was just another of his parents' fucked up views. James was eternally grateful for this as he could finally come out to Sirius and both he and Remus had their best friend’s full support. This didn’t make it any less weird when Sirius came to him one day and asked if they could practise kissing.
“James, can I ask something kind of weird,” Sirius and James were the last ones left in the changing rooms after quidditch practice.
“Yeah of course.”
“Okay so basically I was kissing this girl, I think you know her- name is Mary?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of her.”
“Well I was kissing her, or at least trying to, and I have absolutely no idea how to kiss. She literally pulled away and told me I sucked at it. I was thinking, do you wanna, you know, practise a bit? Could be mutually beneficial?” James spat the water he had just drunk back out again. The first thought he had was that he had kissed Mary and decided he was gay. He probably wasn’t the best to ask about her.
“Sorry can I just get this right, you want to kiss me for practice? Are you serious?”
“Well, I always-”
“Nope nope nope, don’t you dare finish that sentence, Sirius Black.”
“I can’t help it when you set me up so perfectly, but yes for some strange reason I think this is a good idea.”
“Well okay then, I mean I don’t see why not.” James took a couple of steps towards Sirius, a touch nervously.
“Oh, like right now?” Sirius’ mouth fell open in shock.
“No time like the present,” James said cheerfully. And he closed the gap between them. Just like his last kiss with a boy (Remus), it was awkward and the boys struggled to find a way they could kiss without bumping noses. James pulled away with a rueful look.
“We both need practice.”
“No time like the present,” Sirius mocked James’ tone from earlier and leant back in. This time they turned their heads slightly and found a rhythm that worked a little better. The kiss was still relatively quick but this time James felt a slight pull in his stomach that told him the kiss was good. This time it was Sirius that pulled away, his cheeks had turned bright red.
“Um well, thanks I guess,” he muttered.
“Absolutely not, you cannot go and get all awkward about it now!” James was not about to let that happen because of something he had asked to do.
“No it’s not that, it’s just well I don’t think I’m as straight as I realised.” Sirius refused to look James in the eye but he was not phased.
“Sirius! That’s great news. I don't know what you’re talking about. Imagine if your family could see you now. They would be so pissed.”
“That’s true. I haven’t thought about it like that. But seriously thank you. Nope, only I can make that joke don’t even start.”
And that was the first time that James and Sirius kissed. It only happened a few times after that, when they were drunk or a couple of times when Sirius decided he needed more practice. Sirius always swore it was just friendly. James wasn’t convinced.
June 1975 (fourth year)
“Hey James, you’re gay right.” Marlene had found James at a post-match party after a successful quidditch game.
“Uh yup sure am, how can I be of service,” He raised his eyebrow at her, having already consumed a copious amount of alcohol.
“Yeah, so I think I’m realising that I’m also quite gay and was wondering if you could kiss me to find out?” Marlene was also drunk and ever-confident.
“You do know that that makes us less than compatible right?” James was kidding but he also wasn’t. He couldn’t see how kissing a guy would help her figure out if she liked girls.
“Well obviously not, that’s why I want it to be you. I don’t need more feelings to get involved. Just want to find out if I’m fully gay or not.”
“Hold up, so you are trying to figure out if you like guys, not if you like girls,” James was confused.
“Yup sure am. I’ve established I like girls.”
“I guess so then, have to warn you though, I’m not a great kisser and I’ve only ever really kissed guys.”
“Yeah but you’re the hottest guy I know… well maybe apart from Sirius.”
“Oi, I’m so much better than him!” James said indignantly.
“Sure,” Marlene rolled her eyes. “But I’m not risking him thinking I like him or something so I chose you.”
“Way to fuel a guy’s ego McKinnon,” James mainly was joking, he knew what Marlene meant.
“Okay let’s get on with it if you have finished having a tantrum,” Marlene sat down next to him on the couch and looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. Well, this is happening, James thought, feeling far out of his comfort zone and curious at the same time. He figured he would be the one to make the first move. He leant forward and connected their lips. Their kiss was soft and sweet, he bit gently against her lips and held it for at least 10 seconds before pulling away. It was everything a first kiss should be but it was just… lacking feeling. They both knew it and Marlene laughed as they separated.
“James Potter, you are a damn good kisser, but I have established that I am a lesbian.”
“Well thank god for that, because Meadows is standing in the corner death glaring me and I feel it would be awkward if we suddenly confessed our love for each other.”
“Wait what the fuck!” Marlene spun around at lightning speed to see Dorcas standing in the corner with her arms crossed looking directly at her.
“Shit shit shit, I have like the biggest crush on her, James help me what the hell do I do?”
“Calm down, you will be fine, just go explain to her. I’m pretty sure she knows I’m gay. I’ve never been especially subtle about it. You might even make her laugh.”
“Yeah, at me,” Marlene looked a little hopeless, James could see the longing in her eyes.
“Damn girl, you have got it bad. Just go speak to her. I promise it will go fine. I mean it can’t be worse than right now right?”
“WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT,” Marlene was in full panic now and James grabbed her arm to calm her down.
“I’m sorry that was tactless but it does still stand. So go speak to her and then come back to me tomorrow and I’ll either celebrate with you or give you a shoulder to cry on.”
“But, what if…”
“GO,” James gave her a shove and she shot him a murderous glance before taking a deep breath and walking over to where Dorcas was standing.
The next day, James congratulated her.
October 1975 (fifth year)
“Truth or dare Lily?” Sirius asked.
“Um, truth I guess.”
“Why would you date in this room if you had to date someone?”
It was the annual Gryffindor Halloween party of ‘75 (as James had coined it) and the marauders and girls were playing truth or dare. Everyone had consumed too much alcohol to be safe and it was late, this meant that some very questionable things were happening.
“James.” Well, he sure as hell didn’t see that one coming. Lily knew he was gay and she still wanted to date him. She was pretty and all but like… at least she was honest he thought. And she was being honest, that much was clear by the brilliant red blush creeping up onto her cheeks.
“Well Evans, I’m flattered. Never thought I’d see the day you wanted to do anything but throw things at me. Sadly I am afraid you do not have a cock and thus the feelings are not reciprocated.” James did feel a little bad, she was cute and he did really value her friendship so letting her down like this was sad. But they were drunk and honestly, she probably didn’t even want to date him, just had to answer as best as she could.
“Of course, I know that,” Lily rolled her eyes at him, “Doesn’t mean I can’t recognise when someone has an especially good body.”
“Hear that you fuckers! Everyone thinks I’m hot.” Drunken James was triumphant but was also shocked to feel a little something in the pit of his stomach when Lily said that.
What? He wasn’t attracted to girls. At all. Was he?
“I don’t think you’re hot, mediocre at best mate.” Sirius chimed in helpfully.
“I think he’s hot, but you already know that don't you James,” Marlene laughed. James remembered the moment she had told him that all too well.
“While you might not be bad to look at, I thought you were a hell of a lot less hot when you were kissing my girlfriend!” Dorcas put out.
“WHAT”
“WHAT THE FUCK PRONGS”
“UM HELLO, JAMES WHAT THE HELL.” Sirius, Lily, and Peter all had something to say about that one it seemed and others were giving him bewildered looks.
“Yeah long story that one, turns out we are both quite gay,” I think, James thought to himself.
“I think he’s hot,” Remus put in quietly.
“MOONY! Not you too, does everyone here think my best mate is hot? I am right here?” Sirius looked suitably put out so James decided it was time to go on with the game.
“Peter, truth or dare?”
“Um dare I guess,” Peter looked surprised at the abrupt conversation change but took it in his stride.
“I dare you to spin this bottle and kiss whoever it lands on,” James said triumphantly. He somehow managed to combine two games in one. Peter grabbed the empty bottle from James’ hand and gave it a good spin. To everyone else’s delight and James’ annoyance, the bottle landed directly on him. It wasn’t that he had anything wrong with Peter, he just didn’t want to kiss his best mate. Actually, scrap that, he didn’t want to kiss another of his best mates.
“Well that backfired a little didn’t it James,” Peter laughed.
“Possibly should have excluded myself but that’s okay, let’s give them all a show eh?”
James got up and moved over to Peter, leaning in and snogging him with exaggerated enthusiasm. He felt Peter squirm a little but he settled into the kiss and James thought it would be hilarious to try and stick his tongue in Peter’s mouth.
“What the fuck dude?” Peter abruptly pulled back and James burst into a fit of drunk childish giggles.
“That was a little gay, my friend.” Peter was laughing now too, still looking a little grossed out.
“And the kiss in the first place wasn’t?”
“Merlin give me strength, I am surrounded by queers."
“Yep,” Remus, James, Marlene, Dorcas, and Sirius all chimed in.
“SIRIUS???” Peter jumped in shock. James was the only one not shocked as Sirius came out to him when they kissed for the first time.
“Consider this my coming out, I guess.” Everyone cheered apart from Remus.
“About time, you sure as hell weren’t straight when we f-” His sentence was cut off as Sirius jumped on him and started beating him with a pillow.
“Shut your mouth,” Sirius said and then whispered something to Remus that made him go quiet and his eyes bulge.
“Anyone wanna tell me what that was all about,” Mary looked at them with a confused expression on her face. The others were all nodding in agreement apart from James who looked exceptionally unsurprised.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Sirius grinned before sitting back down.
March 1976 (fifth year)
It had taken James months and one summer holiday to realise that he wasn’t as gay as he first thought. He still had a preference towards men but well, Lily Evans did things to him that he hadn’t experienced before from a girl. It was March by the time he realised that he liked her and James had no idea what to do about it. If he told her then most likely she would laugh at him before telling him to go back to boys but there was always a possibility she actually liked him enough to go out with him. Boys were so much simpler, James thought. They are terrible at hiding their feelings and he’d always just asked guys out when he knew they were interested in him.
“You know those are bad for you right,” James was sitting on a ledge outside the library smoking when Lily came and sat next to him.
“If I’m going to die anyway then at least I was cool while living,” James shrugged. “And anyway Sirius got me into it, he’s ten times worse than I am, go talk to him.”
Lily shook her head in mock despair, or actual despair he couldn’t tell.
“Yeah right, that would be like trying to tell him not to love Remus,” she scoffed.
“They’re hopeless aren’t they,” James laughed.
“Honestly, I know you’re gay but why would you want to be when you look at them?” Lily joked. James felt this was time to mention his little uh change of heart.
“Actually… well I’m still pretty gay but I might have been too quick to write off any attraction to girls.” There he had said it.
“Oooh look at that plot twist! What fair maiden has caught your eye hmm?” Lily had a slight glint of excitement in her eye that James couldn't quite decipher.
“Um well, that would be you.” In for a penny, in for a pound, James thought.
“Oh.” Lily looked shocked. She sat for about 20 seconds of agonising silence before bursting out laughing.
“Haha,” James tried, confused.
“No, I’m sorry James, it’s just so funny. I have had a crush on you for years and somehow I’m the person you are not gay for. It’s too good to be true honestly.” James was shocked.
“Years!? Huh?”
“I know. Insane.” Lily replied flatly.
“Sorry, it’s just a lot to process. Um, can I kiss you?”
“Yes,” Lily breathed. James thought distantly that this was the first time he had ever actually initiated a kiss before he connected their lips. Lily tasted like strawberries as he pushed himself closer to her on the small ledge and deepened the kiss. She let out a noise of pleasure and licked at the seam of his lips impatiently. He opened his mouth and groaned as their tongues tangled together. He thought this must be the best kiss he had ever had.
“Well shit,” Lily said when they finally pulled apart. “I never thought I would get to kiss James Potter. Or that it would be so fucking good.”
“So like are we dating now,” James didn’t even notice he asked the question aloud.
“Oh my god. You are useless, how has anyone put up with you? But yes, if you would like to be.”
“Honestly, I’ve only ever had a couple of boyfriends before and neither lasted long. Maybe because of that. I’m glad though, I really like you.”
December 1977 (6th year Christmas holidays)
James and Lily dated for about 6 months before they decided to break up.
It wasn’t because they loved each other any less, they just realised they were better off as friends. Their relationship was steady but they felt it wasn’t exciting enough anymore. They were too young to act like a couple that had been married for 25 years. So they broke up but made a promise that if they were 30 and still single then they would get married. Looking at how close Mary and Lily were becoming as of late, James highly doubted that Lily would be upholding her end of that deal.
Another major development that occurred that year was Regulus. After Sirius had run away to James’ house in 5th year, Regulus had been left alone. This was up until Regulus turned up on James’ doorstep, crying and bleeding from the head. James’ dad had opened the door and very quickly brought Regulus inside and called the boys downstairs.
“Reg, hey look at me. It’s okay, you're okay I promise. Please tell me what happened. At least a little so I understand.
“We will leave,” James whispered to Sirius and he and his parents went to sit in the kitchen.
“Will you take him in if he needs a place?” James asked his parents, biting his nails worriedly.
“Of course, if he needs a place then he has one here. At any rate, he can’t go back and live with his family. I won’t allow it.” James’ mum was reassuring and her voice was calm but James didn’t miss the way her hands shook as she spoke. On that terrible day, they had arranged a room for Regulus and Sirius had managed to convince him to let Euphemia heal him before he went to bed. Late that night, Sirius crawled into James’ bed.
“They slammed his head on the concrete, James. She wanted to kill him, I’m sure of it.” James gasped at that and rolled over to hug Sirius.
“And you know why James? You know what his awful crime was? He’s gay James. Just like us. And they tried to kill him for it. My family.” Sirius was crying at that point, holding onto James and burying his face in his best friend’s shoulder.
“Shit.”
Regulus healed, physically and mentally. And with him, Sirius healed, able to be together with both his brothers as a family again. It was only James that struggled and it was for an entirely different reason. Regulus was hot. He was Sirius’ brother and James couldn't even think that but he couldn’t deny it and it was driving him crazy.
“You know what we should do Prongs, have a party. We still have like a week left of Christmas break and your parents won’t care. Let's get everyone over, they can meet Reggie and it will be so fun.”
“A party you say? Sounds interesting. Does this happen to have anything to do with the fact you haven't seen Moony in two weeks?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about my friend.”
So the party got planned. James’ parents agreed to be out of the house as long as they promised to have a single drink each and not burn the house down. James knew only one of those promises would be kept. Regulus flat-out refused to attend at first but after being worn down by Sirius and James for a few days he agreed. They invited Remus, Peter, and all of the girls, opting to keep it smaller for James’ parents' sake and Regulus’. The party was scheduled for a couple days before they went back to school.
“How on earth did your parents agree to this?” Lily hugged James and looked around his house apprehensively.
“They trust me,” He said simply. “Maybe not completely justified but I’ll take it.”
“You’re so full of it James.”
Everyone arrived and the party was going well, most people had been quick to introduce themselves to Regulus and he and Dorcas seemed to be getting on well. James couldn’t help the pit of jealousy in his stomach, even though he knew she was gay and dating Marlene. Eventually, the drinks started flowing and he forgot about it for a time.
“Never have I ever kissed a boy,” Dorcas announced. The group was sitting around in a circle, all with drinks in their hands. Somehow Sirius was sprawled out on James’ lap.
“That’s no fair,” everyone else took a drink, Sirius opting just to drain his glass as “well only a sip wouldn’t compensate for how wrong that statement is.”
Sirius thought for a few seconds before making his statement.
“Never have I ever slept with a girl.”
“Fuck you,” James muttered. James, Peter, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary, and Lily drank.
“LILY?” James twisted his head to look at her in faux surprise.
“How dare you, I remained faithful all this time to you,” He put his hand to his forehead and feigned that he was going to faint.
“That’s only cause you can’t get anyone,” Lily laughed “I can’t help that I’m incredibly attractive.”
“Fair enough,” James laughed.
“Never have I ever kissed…” she thought for a second before giving Remus an evil glance. “Remus.” He immediately turned bright red and called out to Sirius “Promise, it’s not personal.” James quickly drank, hoping that Sirius hadn’t noticed as he was preoccupied with again downing his cup.
“Traitor,” Sirius turned to look at James. James suspected he would have continued but at that moment Regulus also drank.
“REGGIE?? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK,” Sirius jumped up off James and made out to go throttle Regulus.
“Sirius,” Remus looked at him and he halted slightly. Regulus was cry-laughing, tears running down his face as he laughed.
“You kissed my boyfriend,” Sirius was standing there in a state of mock shock.
“So did James,” Regulus pointed out. James shot him a glare.
“Yeah well we can talk about that later, James is not my little brother.”
“It was once, in like fourth year.” Remus pointed out.
“Actually, your boyfriend was my gay awakening,” Regulus said.
“Why would you say it like that? This is the ultimate betrayal.” Sirius cried dramatically.
“Same, sorry Padfoot,” James said. Sirius gasped loudly.
“Oh, you will get over it, come sit next to me,” Remus rolled his eyes. Sirius did as he was told, albeit a little huffily.
“I can’t believe both my brother and best friend have kissed my boyfriend!”
“Don’t feel special, I've kissed everyone here. Apart from Dorcas.” James mused.
“YOU’VE KISSED MY BROTHER?”
“Oh, no actually I haven’t, Regulus wanna change that?”
“Absolutely, I think we might make my brother explode.” Regulus’ grin widened even further.
“Don’t even think about it, I will disown you both.”
“Too late,” James said and kissed Regulus. Suddenly he got it. The stories were true. James was a romantic through and through because he knew he had found the love of his life.
Regulus let James devour him, leaning in closer to him every few seconds. The kiss lasted 5 seconds then 10 and then 20 before someone threw a pillow at them.
“Okay... I think that’s enough, you have broken Sirius.” Lily laughed as they broke apart and turned to look at her. Sirius had gone pale and was staring at them as if they had just grown three heads. That might have been preferable to him actually.
“Right, well that was an interesting development, we will continue that later James,” Regulus shoved him away and winked at him.
“No, the fuck you won’t.” Sirius hadn’t completely died then. James got up and went over to Sirius, leaning down and ruffling his hair.
“Don’t worry, I still love you, Sirius.”
“You have replaced me,” Sirius said, but he pulled James down to sit next to him, on the other side of Remus.
The game continued but James was hardly paying attention, he kept glancing over to Regulus, and every time he found him looking back.