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Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a beautiful and rich unnamed kingdom. Naturally, the kingdom did have a name but since it was cut off from the rest of the world nobody bothered with naming it. However, for this story’s purpose, we will call it Hairland. In the fair land of Hairland lived a beautiful princess beloved by the common folk and every creature that had the luck of meeting her. In fact, it was said that one time the princess had come across a limping pigeon that upon feeling her touch, let out a majestic ‘prrr’ and flew away, having been cured. Seeing what a gift the enchanting, kind, funny, ardent, generous, outspoken, gentle, courteous, bright, hard-working, perfect, wise and overall flawless princess was, her court realized that her match should be someone just as perfect.
“I’m going to kill myself,” one of the lords mumbled, “we will never find someone worthy of [redacted]’s jewel!”
“Perhaps we should get her a dog.” a countess suggested, “They are a man’s best friend and our princess doesn’t really have any.”
“Dogs?”
“Friends.” –a few swords were drawn out– “It’s not her highness’ fault. No one can stare directly at the sun for too long without getting blinded.”
It was true. No one could stand being by the princess’ side for more than ten minutes without passing out from her perfection. Her presence was simply too radiant for normal people. “I’ve heard that another kingdom in Germany held a contest for their Fuhrer to find a bride.”
“We don’t have the budget for a tourney.”
“Well, how much is our budget?”
“Two welkins.”
The silence was deafening. “Why are we so poor?”
“Her highness has a gacha addiction.”
.
Still, with no other ideas, the council decided to make a small quick contest to find the Princess’ true love. Unfortunately, once the flyers were given out, the council realized that the neighbouring kingdoms didn’t know of the Princess’ perfection–only of the kingdom’s poor financial state–and therefore didn’t really care about fighting for her hand. This almost became the cause of the next world war, but luckily the Princess held her beloved council back.
“Offer every single contestant ΠΑΣΟΚ socks.”
“We mean no disrespect your grace but why would we reward these scums?”
“They need a reason to come.” The Princess reasoned. “Once they come, I will charm them with a reedition of a classical piece called Madame and they’ll be willing contestants of the competition.”
At the thought of the Princess gracing them with her hypnotising voice, a few maids and stable boys passed out. A lord, who was still at the young age of twenty, took some asthma medication and began measuring his pulse, feeling he would pass out any moment. Still, if he were to die like this, it would be worth it.
“I want to have her babies.”
“You’re a man.”
“I’ll ask a witch to make this an omegaverse fic.”
.
Just like the princess had predicted, a number of suitors arrived for the socks, even Andreas Papandreou himself and all of them stuck around the moment they heard her angelic voice combined with the sounds of bouzoukia.
“And now, for my next song, I shall perform Fili fili me litroneis.”
Unfortunately, most of the suitors had an instant heart attack after that.
.
“The one who will marry me must have certain qualifications.” the princess began before climbing the royal stool in order to be able to meet all the contestants’ eyes, “for starters, if both of your parents are alive or you have a good relationship with them, you’re disqualified. However, if you’re a parental figure to anyone, you’re free to stay.”
A number of participants left crying. The council made a mental note to warn those participants’ parents about possible future attempts on their lives. The princess smiled widely at those who remained. “You should also have loads of trauma but in the times we’re living, it would be weird if you hadn’t.” –the contestants and council laughed at the princess’ effortless joke– “Finally, you should be very rich so you can pamper me a lot.”
“Such unfair treatment,” Elysia, Herrscher of Ego, whined as she shook Kevin Kaslana’s shoulders. “Win that cutie for our fallen Fire-moth companions!”
“Ellie, we aren’t dead.” Eden provided but was ignored in favour of Elysia continuing her pep-talk. Near them, the other contestants were also murmuring. The members of kpop band BTS cheered because they were actually rich unlike the other peasants around them. Including a very angry-looking cookie and a smug-looking blonde why, both of who had hoped to get married in order to find a place to stay.
.
“For the next part of our competition,” said the adorable and beautiful Princess, “you should prove that you’re physically able to protect me. Therefore, we will have a running, swimming, climbing and flying contest.”
“Flying?” one counsellor asked clearly confused since only one contestant had wings and he doubted there were a lot of people able to levitate. “Did we just copy this from Duck Life?”
“I’d like to be excused from this actually!” Chuuya yelled. Sadly, his complaints went unheard. Probably because of his height.
Albedo, the chalk prince, sighed. “Time to see if I’m able to melt in water.”
.
The contest went surprisingly well and no contestants were eliminated. Well, Chuuya almost drowned but the altruistic princess rushed gingerly to his side to save him, ready to give him CPR. “Princess!” the royal nurse called out to her, “we haven’t had a rapid test.”
“Oh! Sorry, chuchu.”
“*drowning noise*”
.
“The final challenge is perhaps the toughest one yet!”
“Will we be solving math?”
“Maybe not the toughest one.” The Princess mumbled and made a mental note to herself to ban maths forever from the kingdom. “You will be serenading me.”
“This isn’t very fair.” Shrek said. From next to him, Taylor Swift snorted.
“Do not judge the decision of our brightest star. Of the sky’s beauty. Of the diamond in the rough. Of the reason, people go to war. Of Helen of Troy’s reincarnation. Of–”
“Angy, breathe.”
“No, I’m getting paid by the compliment.” Angy, the royal bearer of all burdens, explained before pulling out all of Mpampiniotis’ dictionaries. “I’m also learning Korean for variety.”
.
Some notable mentions of the singing competition are the following:
Kiana Kaslana with Stin Pira, Diluc Rangsomething with Fotia me fotia and Roy Mustang with Opa. While none of them had much of a singing voice, the one who really stole the show was the fire-truck present at all times.
.
“Attention everyone! The diamond in our eyes has made her decision about her future spouse. Please, handle your loss with dignity and do not challenge the winner to a duel to the death. This is democracy.”
“Well, that’s not fun.” Morgana Pendagron whispered to herself. The few people who heard her quietly took a few steps away from her.
The Princess, in all her glory with the 9th different gown she had worn in this one-hour competition, walked towards the centre of the stage. She coughed to clear her throat, and because her lungs haven’t been working since 2003, and motioned for the drumrolls to be played. Unfortunately, there was no budget for drumrolls, so the servants simply smashed some plates. “The clear winner,” she began with her sickly sweet voice, “is Hatsune Miku.”
“She isn’t even an idol!”
“No, I was in TWICE.”
“It was a mistake to let her choose a musician.” one of the lords mumbled. The council could only silently agree.
“However,” the magnificent princess continued, demanding everyone’s silence, “I decided monogamy is very boring and a single person simply can’t love me as much as I deserve. Therefore, I will marry everyone.”
“Is this legal?”
“I’m the Princess.” her majesty simply replied and stepped down. Riza carried her bridal style to help her climb the back of a horse that had suddenly appeared. Well, not suddenly, somewhere a little farther, Bianka Aegetina was looking for her horse. “I am the law.”
“God she’s so smart.”
And with that, the Princess and her fifty loves of her life lived their happily ever after.