Archive of Our Own

He hates how Blaine laughs and rests his hand on Christopher’s left upper arm for at least 3 seconds too long as they exit the stage door.

He hates that he knows his name is Christopher.

Sebastian clutches his Playbill close to his chest and bites his lip.

He knows that he threw away every chance of getting to have a say in whom Blaine touches or laughs but really? The understudy? He huffs a laugh. Blaine could’ve at least put in some effort and find someone to date that’s not so obviously a downgrade from dating Sebastian.

Christopher on the other hand seems to be in absolute bliss. His sandy blond hair is too long, so he constantly has to brush it out of his forehead and his small – stupid – face is lit up, blue eyes shining at Blaine like he would literally him give the world if it only meant he would keep on talking to him. Sebastian scrunches his nose in disgust. He knew Christopher had a thing for his boyfriend, he knew it!

Ex-boyfriend, a voice inside his head snarls.

He sighs. Right. Ex-boyfriend. Neither of them might've officially ever called it quits but even besides not having much experience on that matter, Sebastian's pretty sure not talking to each other for nearly three months means you're broken up.

An elbow is pushed into his side. Sebastian winces and turns his head to snap at whoever dared to touch him but he’s only faced with the long brown curls of some girl squeezing her way through the crowd. Before Sebastian can even yell what is wrong with her, she’s gone. The crease between his eyebrows deepens and once again he wonders why he’s even here. He hates the stage-door-crowd, scrambling and screaming to get an ounce of attention from their favorite performer. He’s not even sure he wants Blaine’s attention, wants him to see him. Or talk to him, for that matter.

Not that he would know what to say in the first place. Hi, B, loved the play! You were as amazing as expected. Oh, since we’re talking: Please come back to me, I miss you terribly and I don’t think I will ever be happy without you in my life. Okay, bye, see you at home!

He snorts. Pathetic.

A loud shout from his left makes him turn his head – and look straight into Blaine’s face. The other’s mouth hangs slightly open, eyes fixed on Sebastian who awkwardly raises a hand and waves before he can stop himself. Blaine only blinks rapidly, like he needs to make sure he’s not hallucinating, and Sebastian lets his hand slowly sink down again.

His mind is blank. Like, literally blank. He has no idea what to say now that after 11 weeks of no contact he’s standing face to face with his boyfriend again. Ex-boyfriend.

Sebastian’s feet carry him forward, closer to the barrier that intends to contain the crowd, closer to Blaine. He steps on people’s feet, pushes them to the side and therefore, gets hit with more than impolite words. Yet, he doesn’t stop, can’t even hear then sneer with all his attention focused on Blaine, waiting for a reaction, as fleeting as it might be. He sees none, the other’s face completely in shock. He doesn’t turn away, though, so he decides to take that as an encouragement.

A few more feet and he’s there, cold steel poking into his stomach. His heart is beating rapidly and he can feel it, physically, how the air around them thickens and the tension in his muscles rises.

Sebastian tries to talk, opens his mouth but his lips only wrap around sounds that don’t come. Blaine hasn't said anything yet either, just continues to stare at Sebastian, eyes wide and confused. “You’re here”, Blaine states, his voice showing no emotion, though. Sebastian expected sadness or anger. Somehow, indifference is even worse.

“Yes”, he chokes, all the things he prepared to say wiped from his mind. Blaine falls silent again. The urge to just reach out a hand and brush a curl behind his ear is almost overwhelming. Sure, Sebastian didn’t think his boyfriend (ex!) would jump over the barrier and fall back into his arms as soon as he saw him, not exactly, but this? This… nothing? He didn’t really see that coming.

With a sigh Sebastian shakes himself out of his stupor. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come”, he mumbles and turns around to leave. It was a stupid idea anyway…

Well, he did promise Blaine he would be there for his opening night - but that was before they split up, of course. Before this one single tear made its way down Blaine’s cheek as he left through the front door of Sebastian’s apartment and took half the sun with him. The picture still haunts him at night. And sometimes by day, too.

He’s been wondering why he didn’t run after him ever since that evening. Why was he so stubborn? Why was Blaine so stubborn?

The voices around him get louder again and someone grabs his wrist. When he turns around, hazel shines up at him.

“Sebastian, wait…”, Blaine whispers, his gaze softer now and as if in awe. He detects a bit of hope and affection in the way Blaine’s voice wraps around the vowels in his name and this is the most wonderful thing he’s heard for weeks. Relief floods his system and for the first time since that night, he feels like he can breathe again. He smiles hesitantly.

Blaine’s hand feels warm wrapped around his wrist, even though he thinks it might be shaking a little. Or maybe that’s him.

He watches Blaine, sees his lips twitch but no sound escapes. He hates that he can’t read the look on his face, somewhere between shock, curiosity and fear – hates even more that Blaine used to be an open book for him.

They stay there, staring at each other until Sebastian realizes they are still standing in the middle of Blaine’s fan-crowd, just gazing at each other. It might’ve been no more than two or three minutes since they spotted each other but heat crawls up his neck anyway. Slowly, he pulls his wrist back from Blaine’s grasp and takes a step closer.

“Serendipity’s in half an hour? I’ll be waiting there”, he mumbles into Blaine’s ear and has to physically hold himself back from leaning in, letting his nose graze Blaine’s ear, cheek, jaw or – worse – kiss him with all his pent-up love, passion and desperation.

Blaine nods slowly and turns his head to look at him. “I’ll meet you there.”

It’s like a switch when he realizes where they are, too: His stage smile is back on as he shifts his gaze to the girl next to Sebastian, reaching for her pen and scribbling his name on her Playbill with a “Hi, thank you for coming. How did you like it?”

Sebastian quickly retreats, doesn’t even hear her answer. He takes a deep breath as soon as he leaves the theatre behind the next corner. A fuzzy feeling spreads in his belly, a mixture of excited butterflies and nervous dread that Blaine might change his mind and not come.

It’s been 35 minutes and Sebastian is devasted. He sits in the corner of the cafe, swirling the spoon in his probably cold coffee and biting his lower lip. The paper napkin the waitress brought with his cup is pulled into tiny pieces, scattered all over his table.

He can’t believe Blaine didn’t come.

Of course, he didn’t come, you’re a selfish idiot who ruined his best shot at true love by accusing your boyfriend of cheating, only because you’re jealous and insecure, a voice within him whispers. You don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you should be alone all your life and –

“Sorry, I’m late! There were just so many people…”

Sebastian cracks his neck as he snaps his head up. Blaine lets himself fall into the chair opposite him and absentmindedly runs a hand through his hair.

His hair. Those curls.

The curls Sebastian used to twirl around his index finger when they were lazing around in bed while Blaine talked about his Broadway dreams.

“Sebastian?”

He shakes his head and lowers his gaze to look Blaine in the eyes. “Yes?”

Blaine points at the waitress that seems to have appeared out pf nowhere. She looks at him expectantly. “Another coffee?”

Sebastian shakes his head. “Tea, please. Peppermint, one sugar cube.” She nods, scribbles his order down and leaves.

Blaine raises an eyebrow. “Tea?”

“Yeah”, Sebastian pushes the napkin pieces together into a pile and scratches himself behind the ear with a half-smile. “I’m nervous enough without the caffeine, I guess”, he admits.

Blaine nods as if he understands. Silence stretches for a good minute until Blaine sighs. “So… You wanted to talk?”

“Yes…” I just don’t know what to say. “You were amazing in that play.”

“Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

They fall silent and just stare at each other for a while as their drinks arrive. He sees Blaine nibble on his lower lip as he grabs his spoon and stirs what looks like hot chocolate. He blows and takes a cautious sip. Neither of them says a word. Suddenly, Blaine puts down his cup, closes his eyes for a moment as he takes a deep breath and when he opens them again, nervousness made way for annoyance.

“Listen, Sebastian, it’s been a long day and there’s this cast party, so if that’s all you have to say…” He flicks his hand.

Sebastian eyes widen and his breathing picks up. He feels panic rise in his chest, clogging his throat. He can’t let him go, he knows that, so he tries to come up with something, some kind of explanation or apology that might convince Blaine to sit down again. Or better: Come back home.

He sees a polite smile appear on Blaine’s face but it doesn’t cover up the disappointment he sees in his eyes. He gets up. “I see. Well, it was nice seeing you again, Seb. Thank you for coming to my play but – “

“Please come back to me, Blaine”, Sebastian hears himself interrupt as he surges forward, his hand grabbing Blaine’s forcefully, “I’m so sorry and… and I miss you terribly and… I don’t think I will ever be happy without you in my life.”

Oh, what a poet you are!

Blaine furrows his brows and sighs. “Seb…”

Sebastian shakes his head and squeezes Blaine’s hands. “No, please, I mean it. I don’t sleep well, I don’t eat well, and everything just feels… dull without you.”

“Seb…”

“No, let me finish. I’m an idiot, I know, and I don’t deserve you. You have no idea how often I wanted to call you in the past months, how many messages I wrote and deleted.” He lowers his eyes. “I know you have no reason to forgive me… to forgive the awful things I said to you. But I’m sorry…”

Blaine sighs and finally sits down again, squeezing Sebastian’s hand once before he lets go gently. “Sebastian, I can’t.”

It’s like a bucket of ice has been dropped over his head. He backs off immediately as he feels bile rise up from his stomach. Dread spreads through his veins and he whispers “Is… is there… someone else?” He feels sick.

“No, Seb, that’s not it.” Blaine finally sits down again. “It’s just…”

“You don’t love me anymore.” The little glimmer of hope Sebastian felt when Blaine said “No” vanishes in an instant. He wants to throw up. If Blaine says “Yes”, he’s pretty sure he will.

Blaine furrows his brows and leans in closer. “No, let me finish. It’s just… you said some very mean things. Hurtful things. And now you’re here after months not talking to me with a half-cooked apology and again”, Blaine huffs, “again, it’s about you. It’s always about you. How awful you feel. How you can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t have fun. You didn’t even ask how I handled all this, how I managed to get by not sleeping, eating, having fun while also being in rehearsal every day.” He sits up straight again. “Of course, I still love you, Seb. I can’t imagine a day I will not. Still: You hurt me really bad. And I don’t know if that’s something I can just forgive and forget, as much as I want to. The last thing I want is for us to try and for this wound to get ripped open again and again every time we hit a bump in the road. I know myself, I couldn’t bear that. I’m sorry.”

Sebastian can’t even be happy about the fact that Blaine admitted he still loved him. Instead, shame and guilt overwhelm him, creep hotly up his neck and cheeks.

You really did it. You ruined it. Beyond repair ruined it.

Tears gather in his eyes that he tries to force down. He nods, doesn’t trust his voice not to break. He knows he said awful things. He knew exactly where to push to hurt Blaine and he just went for it. It’s all his own fault… A silent tear manages to slip out and he quickly wipes it away.

“Seb, please don’t…” Blaine’s voice is soft as his hand covers Sebastian’s on the table. He shakes his head and pulls it away. He doesn’t deserve Blaine’s sympathy, not after what he did.

“No, I…”, he croaks, “I get it. I hurt you. It doesn’t matter how sorry I am or how much I regret it or how my heart feels like an empty black hole since you’re gone. You’re right. I don’t deserve a second of your time.”

“That’s not what I – “

“It’s okay, Blaine. Well, it’s not, obviously but… I understand.” He stands up and looks down at Blaine. He sees the other’s eyes shine wetly and can’t help himself, he reaches out and gently strokes over his cheek with his thumb. One last time he will allow himself to touch Blaine. One last time… “Maybe I don’t deserve forgiveness. Probably I don’t. But I certainly without a doubt don’t deserve your tears. Not a single one.” He takes a deep breath and tries to make his voice sound as sincere as possible. “You deserve someone who makes you really happy. For a while, I thought I could be that but it turns out, I didn’t change as much as I thought I did. I’m trying, though, I don’t want to hurt anyone like I hurt you, ever again. Anyway… I really hope you’ll find him. I do. I wish you all the best.”

He can hear his voice quivering towards the end and bites his tongue. The sharp pain might at least distract him long enough to get out of here without breaking into tears. With a sad smile, he turns around and quickly walks towards the door, pushes through and inhales the fresh air. He needs to get home, needs to change into his PJs and coil up on their bed (his bed now), needs to learn to forget Blaine and –

“That is it?!”, a voice behind him yells. He whirls around and sees Blaine standing about 10 feet away from him, hands on his hips and an angry look on his face.“’You deserve someone who makes you happy’”, he mocks, “like, what the fuck, Sebastian? You’re not even fighting for me?”

Sebastian feels utterly lost. He blinks. “What?”

Blaine walks up to him and gestures wildly. “It’s been eleven weeks, Sebastian! Eleven. Weeks. Eleven weeks I spent sleeping on Tina’s couch, hoping every night you might call, hell, even sitting there every night with my finger hovering over the button to call you. And then today, all I could think about was how much I wanted you to be in that audience tonight”, Blaine laughs wetly. “And suddenly, there you were, in that crowd with your”, he sniffs, “with your stupidly pretty eyes and there was nothing I wanted more than to fall into your arms, forget everything and celebrate with you.”

He wipes angry tears out of the corner of his eyes. Sebastian still stands there, dumbfounded. “But I tell myself: That wouldn’t be healthy, Blaine, that wouldn’t be smart. You need to talk things out. You I can’t just forgive him like that. I kept telling myself this and still, I came here.” He crosses his arms in front of himself. “Yet, as soon as I don’t immediately run right back to you when you ask, you just… give up? Wow, Sebastian. Wow.”

“I…” He has no idea what to say.

Blaine looks down at the sidewalk. “I guess, I can’t be that important to you then…”

“Are you fucking nuts?” It’s out before he can stop himself. Apparently, that was the gate opener because words keep flowing out of his mouth. “Do you know why I don’t sleep well? Because I keep staring at pictures of us for hours, wondering how I managed to fuck it up so bad. Because I compose miles-long messages I never send. Because I can’t stop stroking over the duvet on your side of the bed – empty and cold – and there’s no one to blame but me.” He chokes. “What I accused you of… it was all me. My insecurities. Sometimes it still feels like a miracle that we found each other again, that you chose to love me. And I’m so, so scared to lose you. I know it’s not healthy, I know I got things to work on. I want to. With you. But I never want to push you again or put pressure on you like I did, not when – hmmpf!“

His rambling is interrupted by Blaine bolting forward, rising on the tip of his toes and crashing their lips together. Sebastian winds his arms around his waist and pulls him closer, feels Blaine’s hand at the back of his neck and deepens the kiss. He never wants to stop, only wants to keep kissing Blaine and feeling him close.

They have to pull away, eventually, both breathing hard.

“I’m really so sorry, Blaine. If it’s any consolation, I think my therapist wanted to smack my head as soon as I told her what happened.”

Blaine giggles. “Well, that probably wasn’t a totally new feeling for her…”

“Hey…”, Sebastian protests but it’s weak. He nuzzles his nose against Blaine’s cheek and whispers: “What I’m saying is… I know I overreacted. I’m still sure Christopher’s in love with you, don’t get me wrong – but I also see that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in love with him, too.” He sighs and smiles a little. “Plus, I mean, I understand him. You are pretty gorgeous. Anyone who doesn’t fall in love with you upon meeting you is clearly stupid, so...”

The smaller boy shakes his head. “Christopher is harmless. Also, he’s my understudy, Sebastian, I would never do that. Everyone knows you need to sleep with the casting director”, Sebastian gasps as Blaine grins and chuckles lightly, then pulls his head back to look up at Sebastian. “All jokes aside: You know you’re gorgeous, too, right? And not in a ‘Oh, I know, I’m Sebastian Smythe, ta-ta-ta’-kinda way.”

Sebastian scrunches his nose. “’Tat-ta-ta’? That’s definitely something I never ever said.”

Blaine just rolls his eyes and cups Sebastian’s cheek. “Whatever. You are lovable, Seb. In fact: You are so loved.” The look of sincerity in Blaine’s eyes is enough to have Sebastian melt into the touch, twist his head and kiss his inner palm. “We do have a lot to talk about before I move back in. Maybe even with your therapist. But you are enough, baby, you are. You need to finally realize that.”

Sebastian ducks down to press their lips together once more. A warm calmness spreads in his insides. It might be a long way to go, a hard one. Still, as long as they eventually find their way back towards each other and make it out stronger, all the pain and tears might’ve been for something.

“I’m also kind of mad you didn’t bring me flowers for my opening night”, Blaine suddenly speaks up. “I mean… What kind of boyfriend does that?”, he pouts and Sebastian laughs. Then he pushes his hand into the back pocket of his dress pants, fumbles around until his fingers close around a small, velvety object. He pulls it out and lifts it up to Blaine’s face.

“Well, not your boyfriend, that’s for sure.” His heart stutters a little when he dares to say the b-word out loud again. “I’ll also have you know, I watched a YouTube-tutorial with a very annoying middle-aged woman for this for this, so be grateful”, he mumbles into Blaine’s cheek as he twirls the red fabric rose between his thumb and his index finger. Blaine doesn’t seem to notice his joke, just stares at the small flower, wide-eyed. Sebastian turns his head, kisses his temple and tugs it behind Blaine’s ear.

“Happy opening night, Killer… I always knew you would make it.”

And with the way Blaine beams up at him he thinks that Christopher might hope all he wants, might enjoy Blaine resting his hand all his shoulder or bask in the fact that he made him laugh. As long as Blaine keeps smiling at him like that, a mixture between pride and endearment, he’ll be fine.

They will be.