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Deciding can be scary, starting a process can be draining, and combining both actions involves a commitment that we are not always willing to accept. In particular, changing something about ourselves could generate a feeling of discomfort first, before even acknowledging that we want or need that change, for whatever reasons.
In particular, Shu was held back for a long time by the idea of having substances affecting her own body, and she put more emphasis on the risks she had read about than on the benefits of the treatment. The truth is that she was scared, it seemed that her first reaction to change was immediate opposition, she tended to keep many aspects of her life in the order they had always been, therefore initiating a change that could affect the balance she had structured was usually met with a negative response.
Although if you saw it from the outside this is not as drastic as it was before, rather it had become an internal reaction oriented to changes, something that only involved her as her own person and didn’t interfere with her interpersonal relationships or work, she had grown in those two aspects… however, Shu needed to put more atention to herself, regardless it wasn't easy.
Wearing padding on her chest and hips helped her discover a way into something she didn't know before, making her experience femininity in a way she never thought was allowed to feel. Despite that, Shu craved more, she realized it was only the tip of the iceberg. And after thinking for months, she made a decision. She would dive depth into the ocean.
What does this all mean?
Body transition, start going on hormone replacement therapy and T-blockers.
If Shu had the same mindset she had during her high school years, “he” would have been offended that someone thought “his” problems could be solved by foreign substances entering “his” body, Shu probably would also have responded with an insult to the intelligence of whoever had implied it. If the Shu who was studying in France had received the same offer, she still would have refused it, albeit less severely, she already accepted part of her feminity by that time, never something of this magnitude though. And even if she had been told to try it before using padding, Shu would have refused, no matter what wonders Mika told her about his experience with testosterone, she simply thought hormones were not for her.
Now it's different, because Shu managed to identify something that had always been in the shadows suffocating her, and also how to relieve it. She could finally let go of the resentment against her puberty, which she had been innerly hoarding since the first change in her child, androgynous body. When her dresses stopped fitting her in a cute way, causing more people to mock up her, increasing her social anxiety… and especially when “his” voice changed. It was the first time Shu had a broken heart, and little Shu couldn’t tell why.
Current Shu could finally tell why, and how to fix it. She has the choice of living through the puberty she would like it. Only Mika knows that Shu could start from scratch as a woman, she would.
Shu has been living as a woman for the past few months, but she decided to correlate her own perception with what she let other people see. And she wanted that to be with her throughout her whole life, not only something to wear on and off, like padding.
So Shu decided that she would start taking androgen blockers and after a while, she’d add estrogen to the process. She had consulted doctors about it, she had done further research and she now understood that the negative effects were not everything. She opened her mind to understand that trans people taking hormones was not a thing out of this world, the comfort they felt —including Mika— during and after the process was not out of her reach.
Yet there was an important step before that whole process.
Yes, Shu has Mika, the greatest support she has ever known in her entire life. He had been there to support her through the entire decision-making, thus he was aware of the changes Shu would go through, also her closest circle of friends had heard the news. They knew what to expect. The only problem was her family.
Shu didn't care if they agreed or disagreed with her decision, she lived independently and didn't need them. What did concern her was the perception that her parents and siblings would have of "him" because she no longer wanted to be seen “that way” by them. In her childhood, her grandfather defended her from her parents when they thought Shu’s interests weren’t appropriate. He also spoiled her with whatever dolls she wanted. Her grandfather was also more open-minded about Shu wearing dresses at a young age, he didn’t understand nor approved at first, yet ended up defending Shu’s interests. Shu knew that her grandfather had seen the girl she was before she did, she could trust him.
Could she trust her parents and siblings? She didn't know.
Today she had a meeting with them, where she would finally tell them about her gender and her upcoming changes, she would not omit details. Besides, her life partner would be with her during the whole event; Shu had personally asked Mika to go with her, as she knew that even if things went wrong, she could rely on him.
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Shu's family did some things right and some things wrong, polarizing only some of their actions would diminish the depth of the others. They actually fell into a large gray area, with some parts darker and some parts lighter; what really hit the hardest is that they are quite conservative people. Hence, they said conservative things, and breaking gender barriers was not conservative at all. The lack of support Shu's family showed for her interests was because they were non-traditional, not because they didn't love her. Shu had to accept that . Their parents’ negligence had not been “his” fault, it had been hers, they gave her special treatment apart from her siblings because of that.
Knowing that hurts much more than she could imagine it.
The little girl she once was, seeking acceptance from her parents, was crying again, decades later.
"..." Shu had collapsed as soon as she got her home with Mika, she didn’t want to let out what she felt in front of her parents, and only when the door closed after them, she allowed herself to break down. Mika tried to hold her so she wouldn't fall, but it was too late, Shu's knees had already hit the floor.
Shu closed her eyes and although her voice did not convey words, she communicated through her sobs the pain they had caused her. Old wounds had reopened, and her emotions were bleeding, leaving her chest emotionally empty thanks to that; everything was coming out and by herself, she would not find a way to close those wounds. Her pain felt never-ending.
However, Mika was there.
Mika's relationship with Shu's parents was complicated, both knew they were going to receive a negative answer from her parents —as they did when announced their wedding—. Nevertheless, Shu still wanted to come out to them, she didn't want not to be recognized in a family meeting because of the physical changes she would experience. So she made her decision, Mika always by her side.
Seeing his wife in that state affected him too, Shu was his world; if he had the chance he would ask a star for her to always be happy, he knew Shu deserved it, since she had been hurt so much throughout her life... His was an impossible wish to fulfill, but at moments like this it became stronger.
Mika shook his head, he had to shut down his own emotions in order to care for Shu in this situation. Although tearing up a bit, he acted as fast as he could, because if it was for Oshi-san, he would break the speed of light, there was nothing that was in his hands that he would deny her.
Mika ran to the second floor to fetch Shu's lavender blanket and Mademoiselle. He knew that these were the stimuli that could soothe Shu, that would bring back some degree of calm to her after touching them. So as soon as he had them in his hands Mika went down the stairs in two by two, being deft enough not to slip and fall. It had worried him that he managed to hear Shu's crying despite the distance, he just wished he wouldn't be too late to get to where she was.
╰══════ .✧. ══════╯
Under the blanket and hugging Mademoiselle, Shu's body still felt restless, trembling as an emotional consequence of the damage she had received. Shu felt as well a —figurative— bitter taste on the tip of her tongue, burning her mouth to let out the feelings that darkened her day.
“Ya don’t need ta say anythin’ right now, Shu”. Mika hurried to say, Shu had gone several minutes without speaking even after she had stopped crying and from her face he could sense that the girl wanted to say something.
"I want to..." Was the first thing that left her mouth besides sobs, in a voice that reflected the internal, emotional harm she had experienced.
“Nnn, but I’ll bring ya some water first! ‘kay? Lemme take care of ya”. Things like that reminded Shu that not everything she had experienced was bad, she had someone who represented her light in her world and kept her from falling into insanity right away. Shu nodded her head before letting it rest on the side of the wall.
Regardless she had stopped crying, her emotions felt more sensitive than before. She was tired and disappointed, her brow had furrowed as Mika went through the water, she wasn't thinking about anything, though her head wasn't empty either. It was as if something had taken hold of her, something negative and acidic. An old, repulsive feeling.
After Mika returned with the water, he helped Shu drink it because her hands and jaw continued to tremble. He noticed that Shu's expression had changed, so he couldn't help but to worry about what was feeling his beloved wife. Albeit his concerns, she made a move before him.
"I am jealous." Resentment flashed in her eyes and voice, she also pursed her lips angrily as a consequent act. Mika wasn't sure where this was going, so he chose to sit in front of her, adding a quiet:
"I'm listenin'." He assured her, Shu still not seeing him.
"I am jealous, extremely jealous." In frustration she dug her fingernails into the blanket. "I am jealous of all the people who didn't have to be born like me." Her tone of voice trembled, saying it out loud broke another part inside her.
"I am jealous, because even for something like this I couldn't be normal." Shu's lower lip twitched forward and then back, having a mass of negativity wanting to explode inside her, Mika just listens, heartbroken. "Because all the others are ordinary philistines, they are noisy insects that deserve to be squashed and yet they live happily in big hives! Happy in their mediocrity, happy to be ordinary! They, all of them...! And not me! I never was! I was just a kid who played outside and got bitten by all those insects for being different from them! Disgusting, barbaric!"
Despite Shu's dissatisfaction was not only directed at her parents, it is also true that what they triggered inside her was very dark, everything she had not yet overcome.
"I couldn't play, I couldn't dress, I couldn't move the way I wanted! Never! Those barbaric brutes saw it as a threat to their species and therefore wanted to extinguish me! But here I am! Again! Here I am!" Shu's teeth gnashed, she was both saddened and enraged, she started pointing towards the floor, as if they belonged from there. "They are the ones who should be jealous of me! They are the ones who lack the potential to match me! It's not me! It's them! It's all of them, every single one of them...!"
"And who’re they?" Mika asked, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.
Shu's eyes met Mika's again with intensity. Shu was a mirror that kept fragmenting with each following second. "All the people who have hurt me, all the people who thought I was wrong! All the people who made—!" Her speech was interrupted because her chaotic emotions prevented her from expressing this as a shout, instead her voice lowered to a fragile whisper, "All the people who tried to make me believe that feeling miserable was the normal way to live."
“I understand darlin’… Is there somethin’ else you wanna tell me?” For some reason, Shu felt exposed by this question, so she shrugged and again turned her face away from Mika.
"I am still jealous... Of everyone who has a normal life and can be happy for that, that's all." Shu grabbed Mademoiselle and pressed her against her chest. Being able to say everything she'd been dragging out was tiring, regardless it relieved her.
"Yup, they're assholes. They didn't deserve ya." Mika wasn't going to tell her that those people shouldn't be called insects, Mika understood Shu, not them. It was her Shu who had been hurt, the others, fuck it.
"But, yanno what? Ya deserve the world." Mika approached Shu head on, without touching her. “Darlin’ could ya look at me, please? I wanna to tell ya somethin’ ”.
Shu didn't respond verbally, just turned those withered lifelike eyes back to Mika.
“ ‘kay, ‘kay… I know I’m not the best with words, but still…” Mika sighed, he had gotten a little nervous, it really did affect him to see Shu like this. “Yer not alone, I get ya, I get ya so well. I know yer pain because even though we cope in different ways, we went through somethin’ similar… Both got misunderstood by both adults and kids of our age, the two of them failed us, that’s not up ta discussion. Yer not crazy for thinkin’ this, despite it’s a little too much concernin’ ”. Mika’s eyes could tell how unconditional his love was “Ya don’t have ta face up everything again by yer own, I’ll always be happily by yer side, even if I have ta be against the whole world. I hope that helps in a way…”
For a few moments, silence ruled between them, the two still had many things to say.
"Hug me..." Yet, all words were snatched away from Shu by the new noises of her crying.
"Come here, come here, darlin' ". Shu rested her head on Mika’s chest, in the times after Valkyrie's fall, only being in his presence could rescue her from the nightmares that plagued her mind day and night. Mika's heart was her safest place in this world.
“It’s ‘kay if ya cry, ya can cry on me, don’t feel bad for it. It’s ‘kay what yer feelin’…” Mika wrapped an arm around Shu's waist and with his free hand, he brushed her fluffy-curly hair. “Yer not alone, I’m here and I’ll always be here fer ya". Mika whispered to her, hoping he could be the support Shu needed right now.
"Please stay..." Shu knew Mika wasn't going anywhere, but in her vulnerable state that didn't mean she wasn't afraid of losing him. She made herself smaller to cuddle better in Mika's arms, though she wasn't returning his hug, as she herself was holding Mademoiselle.
"I'm not goin' anywhere, I promise." Mika leaned down to give her a soft kiss on the forehead. “Ya can be jealous as much as ya want ta, just let it be. When ya feel comfortable enough, we can try ta find a way ta relieve yer pain and solve things out, fine? We don’t need to figure everything out right now”. Mika wasn't going to encourage Shu to hold back her feelings, on the contrary. If she felt jealous now, let her feel like the most jealous person in the world.
What was important was not to repress what she felt, Shu had the right to live her emotion and then decide what to do with it, that's why Mika in the end said they could try to work it out together later, it can wait until she felt better. It was impossible to solve years of damage in an hour.
Emotions were complicated and repressing them would always lead to unhappiness, knowing this negative consequence, Mika didn't hold back a small speech that was born in his heart.
“Ya can totally disagree with me, but I am happy fer us ta be this way... We’re both weirds and queers together, we complement each other so well because of that.” Mika softened the expression on his face the whole time he spoke, his eyes telling all what he couldn’t. Then he added something else: “I know we have the world against us most of the time and it sucks… It hurts. I’ve been there too, and yanno it breaks my heart ta see ya like this, yet I understand yer disappointment. I share it.”
Though Mike had more to say, he didn't want to overwhelm Shu any further. However, Shu's reaction wasn’t what he expected at all. She just whispered a quiet "Sing for me".
He knew what she wanted to sing. It was something special for the two of them, Mika recalled that in the times after Valkyrie's fall, the song he sang for the kids in his hometown became the lullaby he could use to soothe Shu's stress and anxiety.
That lullaby-verse over the years became a full song.
"It’s time, tica ling, to wipe your tears, tica ling..." He started to sing in a steady, soft tune of voice, completely devoted from the heart. He was the nightingale that would sing all his love for her, every day, every night, every time she needed.
“Nightingale Ah nightingale with that singing voice
Tica-linga-lira Tica-linga-lira to guide us”
He continued until Shu fell asleep, to take her to their room. He will stay awake to watch over her dreams because nothing was more important than caring for his beloved when she needed him the most.