Chapter Text
lumine gently attempted to take his mask as xiao clutched his forehead, carefully winding her hands through his hair. he shook his head and attempted to pull away, muttering something she couldn't quite make out. it was dark out, the moon high in the sky. in the moonlight, she could see every bleeding wound he had.
based on the sheer number of injuries, she wondered how long this episode had been. she also wondered how this happened, and could she have seen it coming?
she managed to pry his mask from his hands, letting it dismiss itself as it hit the grass. xiao looked exhausted and dazed. his hair was ruffled, his eyes were half-lidded and dull, and he had dark circles fading in under his eyes.
the sight broke her heart, and the worst part was that he was still trying to find a way out so he could continue fighting.
his episodes were rarer now, from what she could tell, but they still happened at times; though her presence seemed to have been helping. even so, that gods' wrath would act up once in a while, a cruel attempt to take revenge on xiao for reclaiming his freedom. though his recent episodes have been much more mild, this one seemed particularly bad.
when she first met xiao, he could barely move if he stopped during an episode. to keep himself moving, xiao would force himself into battles that grew more and more difficult until he passed out from exhaustion or from the pain.
lumine pulled his body to her, and he tried to shake her off- to no avail. she could hear his mumbled pleas for her to leave while she can, and for her not to touch him, but she didn't care. the care and worry that coated his voice made her sad. it made her want to hold him tighter and never let him go.
he was helpless against her, his limbs already exhausted and in excruciating pain. however, the warmth of her body seemed to soothe the worst of the pain.
whatever the strange properties that composed her body were, they seemed to purify the negative energy that infected him, without absorbing it back into her. though, she would do it for him anyways, just as he insists on taking pain for her.
lumine could hear his breathing. even though his breathing seemed steady, she knew otherwise. he told her once that he hated breathing deeply, because he hated the sense of vulnerability it created. right now, he wasn't letting himself catch his breath. instead, he was just taking in enough air to stay conscious.
xiao seldom ever talked about himself. it was clear he hated doing so, but lumine always had questions. xiao was a complex being, one that she found herself desperate to discover. she had an endless amount of questions about him. who was the god that he was enslaved by? could he really devour dreams like rumors had claimed? what was his life like when he was a slave?
sure, she knew a few things about him. unfortunately, they were all from that book that xiao had deemed as "fanfiction." xiao had only confirmed that he was indeed a yakasha and that he had lost his family to his karma. but that was about it.
she was left wondering constantly. the more she was around him, the more questions she found herself wanting to ask. how did he come to memorize all the constellations in tevyat? how come he always refused to take off his gloves? why did he flinch so often?
lumine could still hear his misleadingly calm breathing, so she summoned her purification ability and pulled him closer. the sudden warmth caused him to gasp, and whatever control over his body he had was lost. he literally melted into her, his breathing turning into soft pants.
"lumine.." he whispered softly.
she smiled at him using her name- her real name.
however, she knew what would come next. the begging for her to leave, even when she'd told him that she wouldn't. xiao's self image had been ripped apart, stomped on, and then shredded. he hadn't even been handed the pieces back when he was freed, so he reconstructed his own- an image of a monster who deserved nothing but pain and agony. a hypocritical demon who, by the grace of the geo archon, was allowed to live and serve liyue. he hated himself, and she hated how much he hated himself.
"please.. leave." xiao rasped.
poor boy. lumine frowned.
"i'll be fine, go." he lied.
oh, absolutely not, she thought.
"lumine.. please." xiao begged, a low whine edging his words.
okay, ow. that one kind of hurt, lumine winced in her head.
his mind was in a dark and desperate place. he truly believed he was hurting her, which she knew he wasn't. every thought or anxiety that he carried with him rose to the surface on nights like these.
lumine carefully pulled his head to her shoulder, trying to get him to cease his murmuring. she gently stroked his hair, causing him to inhale sharply at her touch.
"why are you..?" xiao muttered, he paused for a moment, seemingly to catch his breath, "..stop."
"you should stop wasting your energy on trying to get me to leave." lumine said softly, "i'm not going anywhere, xiao."
xiao shifted his head, "my..karma.. dangerous to you.”
lumine let out a soft laugh at him. she felt xiao finally lean his head against her, which meant he'd probably exhausted the last of his strength. she heard his breathing deepen and slow.
500 years. well, about 500 years. that's how long he was forced to do this alone. 2000 years. this wasn't even the worst she'd seen, because the worst she'd seen was a lot more bloody on his end.
however, she believed that these episodes were worse before she arrived. how was he managing before? all of his other siblings had succumbed to this, yet he managed to have not. did he have a special way to cope, or was he just strong willed?
maybe he would tell her one day.
though it proved impossible to convince him, xiao was a gentle, kind, and caring person. though, he believed wholeheartedly that any chance of him being any of those things died long ago. lumine knew what he'd done wasn't his fault, but he still had to pay for it.
after a few more minutes, she let her purification fade out. xiao let out a shaky breath, but didn't move. she felt the exhaustion in his limbs through her fingertips. she could feel how tired he was, yet she knew that he would probably try and fight again if she didn't force him to rest.
lumine recalled the first time she'd ever seen xiao having an episode. when she ran up to him, he was on the verge of passing out- which from the look of his body, he should've done long before. she watched as he fell to his knees after he finally cleared a large hilacurl camp.
she exclaimed as she ran up to him, but before she could touch, he had teleported away. he landed with a thud about five yards away, coughing so violently he was coughing up blood.
her worry became all consuming, and for a moment she thought he was dying. against xiao's many protests, she did as she did now: she pulled him close and tried to soothe him as best she could. his pleas for her to leave that night caused the type of heartbreak that makes you feel like your heart is being stomped on. xiao had never had anyone comfort him before, and all he could think about was how he was going to hurt her. despite all of the pain he was experiencing, he was more worried about her.
when it was over, he passed out.
lumine tightened her grip on him slightly. it helped ground herself and remind her that she can help him now, because she knows what to do.
"lumine..." xiao muttered softly into her ear.
his voice sent a shiver down her spine. it didn't have the normal edge his voice normally did. in reply, she moved her hand through his hair again.
"...i'm sorry." xiao continued, "i'm so sorry. please forgive me-"
"-stop that." she interrupted, "this isn't your fault."
no way she was going to let him blame himself and beg for forgiveness. he didn't owe anyone and apology for this. the fact that he tried to apologize to her made her angry. after dealing with an episode caused by karma he didn't deserve, after experiencing extreme pain and agony, he had the nerve to blame himself?
no. way.
"yes.. it is." xiao protested, "this is my fault."
lumine shook her head, her voice firm, “no, it's not."
xiao returned to his silence. he probably realized it as useless to argue with her.
"what did you do to get here?" lumine asked carefully.
she was so curious that it slipped out, which felt cruel considering he was already struggling.
"more than you can imagine.." xiao muttered.
lumine frowned at him, "try me."
lumine waited in silence. would she actually get an answer this time? she awaited his reply for longer than she'd like.
"i will tell you.. later. i can't.. explain it all now." xiao whispered gently, "i promise."
lumine blinked in surprise at his answer. he sounded so gentle, so earnest. she felt her breath catch in her throat. dumbfounded, she just continued to hold him. with a smile, she finally felt him drift into unconsciousness.