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All around Shizuku the air of the room hung silently. There was no one there but her, not another soul present amongst the rows and rows of empty desks. At the front of the room the chalkboard had long been wiped clean. Echoes of math equations from their last class could no longer be seen, forcefully removed by the teacher with a firm hand.
Shizuku’s own unsteady hands yearned for that consistency as she re-applied her makeup. When she went to modeling jobs, they hired a professional to apply it perfectly. More More Jump livestreams were completely different. With the money they earned so far they’d been able to purchase a better camera to stream with, but little else.
The mirror held in her palm reflected her own visage back, clearly showing every detail on her face. From this distance it was impossible to miss the flaws, the bags beneath her eyes. The fans and other members would be able to see it, to look straight through her cracked façade and out of time dance moves.
She moved the brush carefully to apply the next layer.
The sun was still high in the sky outside the classroom window, nearly ready to begin its descent over the horizon. Within a few hours it would phase from bright blue to brilliant shades of orange. For just a short window it would blossom, incomparable to even the most beautiful of paintings. It gave hope of a new day to come, that the sunrise in the morning would be an even more dazzling display.
As Shizuku finished with the final layer, with the last sweep of the brush against her cheek, she could almost envision that perfection. Her mind’s eye morphed the image in the mirror and made those last few tweaks, sealing over the covered cracks for good. This was where she wanted to be; it was who she strived to be. But when Shizuku blinked they vanished, as they always did. Only her tired eyes remained.
She closed the mirror slowly, before stowing it and the brush back in her bag. A yawn threatened to escape, but was quickly stifled. There was never enough time, she thought, as she zipped the bag shut and rose from her desk. She was always running out of it, even when she was certain she had enough. She hadn’t finished her math corrections, which she couldn’t figure out no matter how many times she rewrote the questions. Late last night they’d been even more confusing, haunting her while yesterday had turned into today. As for putting on her makeup, well, she remembered how she looked just a moment ago.
But she was out of time. They were waiting for her upstairs now, all of the members of More More Jump. Airi was certainly there too, with her wide eyes, her concerned stares. Shizuku’s heart tightened in her chest at the thought, as she wished for just a little bit longer, but she had no choice.
After a quick stop at the bathroom to change into her practice clothes, one that made her even more late, Shizuku was finally on her way.
Her feet carried her from the bathroom and up the stairs, weighted and heavy as she lifted them for each step. Shizuku’s body was already complaining, legs sore from not stretching properly before a rushed hour of practice during lunch.
Another student scurried past her heading the opposite direction. Other than that the stairwell was empty, besides for Shizuku’s slow unsteady climb. It only took a few minutes for her to reach the top and step out onto the roof. The sun overhead was blindingly bright compared to the dim lighting of the school hallways.
As expected, the More More Jump members were waiting for her, already in their practice clothes. Minori stretched near one of the corners with an excited grin spread across her face. Haruka stood nearby, focused on adjusting the camera in her hands. It was best that she set it up and not Shizuku; that would certainly end badly.
Airi lingered apart from the others, her arms crossed and gaze set on the roof door even before Shizuku appeared from within it. The anticipated tightness in her lips sent a tremor of dread down Shizuku’s spine.
When her eyes locked onto Shizuku’s, piercing through the late afternoon light, she raised her voice in irritation. “Where have you been Shizuku? I know you know how to find the roof.” One eyebrow was raised as she waited for a response.
There were other hints of emotion in Airi’s tone beyond the annoyance, she was never good at hiding them. Echoes of concern and of worry, which were the last two emotions Shizuku wanted to inflict upon her.
“I’m so sorry Airi-chan,” Shizuku approached Airi, wringing her hands together in front of her chest. “I lost track of time.” She chuckled halfheartedly, barely able to get the sound out as her stomach churned. It was a lie, just a little white lie, but a lie just the same. She had known exactly what time it was as she sat alone in that classroom, had been able to see the clock that was clearly visible on the wall. She knew what time it was as she ran out of it, as she failed to conceal what needed to be hidden.
Airi’s expression softened into a small frown, her arms dropping to her sides as she shook her head slightly. “Keep track next time, we need to get ready for the stream.” She still sounded worried as she let out a sigh, before turning to the other members. This unhappiness too, Shizuku wanted to wipe it away.
She couldn’t though, not how she was now. She had to do better, work harder, to become the person Airi deserved as her idol. At this rate she would never reach this goal or even come close. She witnessed it in the incredible dancing and singing of her fellow members, and the way Airi smiled after a well performed move.
Shizuku knew she wasn’t good enough, saw it every day as the sun set in the sky.
“Are we ready to start?” Haruka called over, drawing Shizuku’s attention from the overwhelming force of the sun back to the roof.
“Aye aye!” Minori’s reply was enthusiastic as usual and accompanied by a chipper salute.
Shizuku walked past where the camera was set up to join them, taking her usual spot next to Airi. She lifted her arms to stretch them; even though she came late she still needed to do it. There was a pain in her shoulders as she did, dull and tense throughout the muscles. She told herself it was nothing, that stretching would solve it. She stretched her legs as well, both of which protested once again.
When she sat down to stretch her back, leaning forward over her outstretched legs, she felt a small pair of hands firmly press between her shoulders.
“Is something bothering you?” Airi’s voice came at almost a whisper from behind her, close and yet so far away. Shizuku’s back complained at being forced forward, despite how flexible she was. “You can talk to me, you know.”
Shizuku blinked a few times at those words, easing further into the stretch. She knew that; she had known for months or even years. The towel she carried screamed it at her, that Airi was there for her.
And yet, how could she? To burden Airi with her problems was unthinkable. Shizuku couldn’t imagine showering her friend with her own disappointments, with the recent failed math test, the dance move she couldn’t get right, and the ever-present mocking from inside her own head.
She already worried Airi enough through her failures today.
From this angle she was certain that Airi couldn’t see past the waves of her hair, or the way she grimaced. “No, not that I can think of.” Shizuku lifted her tone, pushing the words into the open air. She started loud, but lost much of that volume with the last couple words. Airi’s hands had been still before, unmoving as she waited for Shizuku to respond. Now she could feel movement, the barest hint of a rubbing gesture, of one thumb moving slowly and comfortingly against her tense form. A cold shuddering wave of anxiety wracked Shizuku’s body, accompanied by a stiff tightening in her chest; the cracks were showing. “I’m excited to see our fans!” Her voice came back with more force than before, insistent this time.
That hand, that Shizuku could feel so pointedly through the fabric of her shirt, froze in place, still pressed in the same spot. Shizuku’s back strained under the continued pressure of leaning forward, hurting far more than this stretch should’ve.
After a few seconds, ones that felt like they took years, Airi’s spoke again. “I am too...” Her voice was scratchy and quiet, almost inaudible, as her hands lifting away from Shizuku’s back. Shizuku sat back up to relieve her spine, then glanced up over her shoulder.
Airi was already gone, turned towards Minori with her back to Shizuku. Her hands were curled at her sides, shoulders tight and drawn forward. Shizuku wanted to reach towards her, to call her back and apologize. She couldn’t find the right words, or perhaps they didn’t exist. They sounded hollow to her own mind, more lies for the pile. Only bitter pain rose in the throat instead.
It was better this way. That was what Shizuku told herself as she rose to her feet. Her back twinged from the movement in a jolt of pain that lasted only a moment. Shizuku resisted the urge to rub the aching spot. There wasn’t time to stretch any more, now it was time to perform.
Someday, if she kept working hard, she would be good enough. She would be an idol who inspired hope, who dazzled the audience and brought joy to Airi. She would be strong enough to stop worrying others.
Haruka counted down to the start of the stream and Shizuku took her starting pose. She composed her face in a vibrant smile, one that hid the flaws and imperfections beneath.
Next to her, Airi glanced over for just a moment. Shizuku noticed in her peripheral vision and looked over, lingering on her posed form. After everything Shizuku had done, all her efforts, beneath Airi’s idol façade Shizuku could still see her worry.
Shizuku knew she wasn’t good enough yet, felt the ache of it deep in her soul. As the livestream started and she gave her lines in the first MC, she knew where she stood.
The dance move still needed work, needed to be perfected before practice tomorrow, but there would be more time to rehearse after the stream. She would have good news for Airi next time they talked, she’d make sure of it. No matter how tired she was, Shizuku fully intended achieve her goals.
The sun would set behind her as she did, stunning and brilliant as always.