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Renee had quickly become a comfort to him, a safety blanket that made doing the hardest things easier. Coming from a world of cold darkness, she was nothing but loving warmth. His entire life Jean told himself not to fall in love, he didn’t want to become that vulnerable or weak in front of another person. His parents had thrown him to the wolves and he learned at a young age not to depend on others. He knew he could only rely on himself. But that all changed when he met Renee. From the moment they met he knew she saw right through his tough façade. Her bright blue eyes could see through to the hurt he had been masking so well, and as they got closer it became impossible to hide anything from her.
She taught him to talk about and process his feelings for the first time in his life. He learned he could make his own decisions, regarding his body and life. Slowly discovering the things that brought him joy; animals, music, and reading were all new things that made him happy. Renee let him slip, always being there to support and comfort him. At first it was hard to let her soothe his anxiety, but over time he knew she was the first person to go to when his dark thoughts took over.
Now four years later, she was his person, his partner. Living in their own safe apartment, he could be completely vulnerable with her. Mornings were hard for Jean when he didn’t have to be up for Exy practice. Not sleeping through most nights, he let Renee enjoy her quiet early mornings. He preferred the night, but that was also when things were the most difficult. Intrusive thoughts taking over, making him feel guilty for being happy. His mind would wander to the darkest places he thought he had locked away. And when he couldn’t hold the doors that locked away those memories closed anymore, they would all come flooding back in.
Sometimes he’d have a panic attack and have to wake Renee, but he tried to avoid that as much as possible. Other times he’d lay in bed just holding her tight, afraid if he let go she’d disappear and he’d wake up in The Nest all over again. On the rare occasion he’d cry himself to sleep in her arms as she rubbed small circles on his back. Renee was the only one he’d let freely touch him and even then there were times he’d still flinch or jump at the sudden affection.
The night before had been long, he had a nightmare early on and was afraid to go back to sleep. Finally giving in to his exhaustion at around 6 am, he stayed in bed even after Renee got up to start her day. Occasionally he’d open his eyes to steal glances at her across the studio apartment before drifting back to sleep. When he finally woke for the day, his cold heart melted seeing his person in the kitchen.
They both agreed a studio apartment would be better for Jean’s anxiety. Laying in bed he could see the entire apartment as well as the front door. Most of the furniture was Renee’s, but he didn’t mind. He was still struggling with his personal style in clothing let alone decorating an entire apartment. She made sure the apartment was filled with small lights that Jean could leave on throughout the night but still sleep through. Despite the open floor plan, she had made each section of the apartment warm and cozy just like her. Unlike Jean, Renee had a green thumb and collected all kinds of plants.
Slowly getting out of bed, he felt the warmth of a small creature against his hip. Looking down at the sleeping tabby cat Renee had brought home as a kitten, he ran his calloused fingers across its soft fur. Walter, stretched under the familiar touch of Jean before settling back asleep in the afternoon sun. Knees aching as he finally got up for the day.
“Good morning, love” Renee smiled from the stove when she saw him crawl out of their bed. Wearing an oversized team shirt with his name on it, Renee looked so small wearing his clothes.
“Hi baby, is it even morning anymore?” coming up behind her, he wrapped his arms tight around her waist.
“No it’s not, but you still get a good morning” , laughing at her partner.
Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he left soft kisses on her smooth skin. “What are you making?”
Smiling at Jean's rare affection, she knew it would be a good morning since he was feeling comfortable touching her. “Well, I have brownies in the oven to bring with me to work tomorrow. I also made some for you don’t worry” she smirked, looking over her shoulder at him.
“Lucky me” resting his head on her shoulder, he stayed as still as he could so he wouldn’t disturb her.
Moving around the stove with ease, she added. “Now I’m making some butternut squash soup. Do you want some?”
“Maybe in a little bit. I don’t think I can eat anything yet” giving her a gentle squeeze, he stayed close to her back.
“Did you not sleep well again?” The softness in her voice made him not feel guilty for waking her up all the time. Her soft hands rubbing against his rough ones kept his heartbeat steady.
“Do I ever?” He laughed, letting the vibrations pass through his chest into her shoulders. Feeling her lean back in his arms, he moved to pick her up. Setting her on the edge of the counter, he positioned himself perfectly in between her thighs. “Did I wake you?”
“No, but you know you could have. Especially because it’s a Sunday.” Poking his chest, she shot him one of her looks. Jean knew she’d always be there for him, but his brain still felt guilty or like he was bothering her.
“I know baby, I just wanted you to rest. It’s nothing new I can’t handle” he reassured her, rubbing her thighs. Feeling her soft skin under his beat up hands always helped him feel grounded.
Cupping his face, she forced him to look at her. “I’m serious. You and I, we’re a team now. And if you need help I’m here, always. If we need to flip to the other end of the bed in the middle of the night or talk it out at three am we can. If we need to turn the lights on or play music those are ok too”
“Thank you, baby.” kissing her gently, he pressed their foreheads together. “I love you” it wasn’t something he said often, though he wished he could, it was never a natural phrase to him. Although he was the one to say it first, he knew he and Renee loved each other long before he got the courage to say it out loud. He appreciated that she always gave him the time to do things, especially since he wasn’t as fast as others with his emotions. Everything had to be processed and even though he knew he could trust Renee sometimes the dark voices put ideas in his head.
“I love you too and before you say anything, yes you deserve this” she smirked, reading his mind once again. Renee had a way of doing that, knowing his feelings when he couldn’t put them to words or knowing what he was thinking before he could voice them. In four years she had helped improve his English, but early in the morning before he had coffee or tea his brain took longer to load. His panic attacks were worse and sometimes he lost all English. Renee had started taking French lessons for him and in the last year her conversational skills had improved greatly.
Pulling her into a tight hug, he smiled at the laughter escaping her chest. Holding her close, he rubbed his thumbs on her lower back. Gently playing with his hair, she whispered “I need to turn the burner off if we’re going to stay like this”
“Shit! Sorry!” He gasped, jumping back to cut the fire off on the stove. Turning back to see Renee biting her lip, he couldn’t help the subconscious pout that formed on his face. “What?”
“You’re just adorable is all” she smiled.
“You’re the only one to ever say that to me” placing himself back between her legs, he leaned close to her “and the only one I’d ever let say it”
“What, Kevin never called you adorable?” She teased, kissing the tip of his nose.
“Not even when he was drunk, that shit head” he smirked.
“How mean, next time I see him I’ll have to talk to him” she teased, linking their pinkies together the way he liked. It was enough contact to keep him grounded when he was overwhelmed but not too much to push him over the edge.
“Old teammate to teammate maybe he’ll listen to you” a low laugh escaped his chest, he laughed more with Renee then he had in his entire life. “He never listens to me, even now”
“He’ll listen to me” she smirked. “Do you want to watch a movie today?” She asked while swinging their arms.
“Maybe, but nothing like the last one” he sighed.
“What? You didn’t like ratatouille” she pouted.
“Baby it’s unrealistic! How many rats do you know who can read, let alone cook? And how can he control the man by pulling his hair? Science doesn’t work like that” he explained while moving his free hand in small dramatic motions.
“Ok no ratatouille. Animated or with real people?” She asked.
“People” he thought about it for a moment. “The cartoons don’t make sense”
“Alright… how about the princess bride?” She suggested. “It’s a classic”
“Is this like that other ‘classic’ you suggested” he raised an eyebrow while moving his fingers for air quotes.
“I understand now that CaddyShack might have some missing cultural pieces. But this one is good, and it’s one of my favorites” she batted her eyelashes in a way she knew Jean couldn’t say no to.
“Alright, alright. Just let my brain turn on first” finally stepping back, he moved to make himself some coffee. “You want more?”
“No, I’ve switched to tea for the day. Popcorn later?”
“You’ll eat it all, but yes I’ll have a bite” he teased.
“I don’t eat the entire thing!” She gasped. Watching him raise an eyebrow at her, she pouted. “It’s cause you’re slow and don’t eat it. I offered you your own bowl last time”
“You can have all of it, I don’t mind baby” he rarely saw Renee like this, and never in front of others, but it was one of the many things he loved about her.
Jean didn’t care for movies, what he did like was having Renee curled up in his arms. At night they rotated who was the little spoon, he’d never admit it but he loved being the little spoon with her. They started off their movie with Renee in his arms, but at some point he ended up with his head in her lap. He wasn’t expecting to fall asleep, it took a lot for him to sleep comfortably, so when he woke up hours later to the sun setting and Renee knitting above him he was stunned.
Letting out a long groan, Renee simply smiled down at him. Moving her project to the side, she readjusted the blanket around his shoulders. Taking her hand in his, he pulled it close to his chest. “Movie is gone?”
“I paused it when you fell asleep” rubbing her thumb along his hand as he nestled closer to her.
“sorry” his voice low and gruff from sleep.
“You’re fine, love” her tone was always so honest and loving. “We can finish it another time”
“Later?” He felt bad that he had missed out on her favorite movie, something she wanted to share with him. Taking her hand, he placed it in his hair.
Letting out a soft laugh, she gently pet and massaged his head. “It’s really ok”
“I’ll make dinner” he offered, wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her close.
“Yeah?” She raised an eyebrow. “Thank you. Can I help?”
“You can sit with me” looking up at her through his long lashes, he felt his heart flutter as he admired her. “You’re so beautiful”
“Thank you, handsome” leaning forward, she kissed his forehead softly. “You’re gonna be up all night though” she teased.
“I always am” he smirked.
If someone had told Jean four years ago about his life today he’d laugh in their face. Leaving a world of darkness for nothing but warm light took all of his courage. When Renee pulled him out he thought it was the end, in reality it was just the beginning of everything.