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Eleven. The number on the calendar on the wall looks downright hostile. It resembles two small, sharp daggers pointing up to the ceiling, reminding the viewer that the worst part of the year has only just begun.
Nothing good ever happens in November. It’s when the sun begins to disappear far too soon, and the temperature drops so dramatically that one might think nature is attempting to rid itself of all life in the Northern Hemisphere. Everything seems to be dying all around; the trees that had been so colorful and beautiful only a few weeks ago, now look like sad, lifeless props.
This year, November feels even more somber than usual. Life hasn’t been easy for Blaine for a while. As so often lately, his gaze inevitably comes to rest on the fingers of his left hand that are currently holding the neck of his guitar. There’s no golden ring anymore, not even the slightest evidence left of the promise he’d made to his ex-husband, to love and cherish him forever.
Well, Blaine hadn’t broken his promise; Kurt had broken his. But that doesn’t make Blaine feel any less of a failure as he sits on his old bed in his old room in his parents’ house, strumming his old guitar that he hadn’t touched in years and that sounds absolutely horrible with its old strings.
He’s back in Lima because his mother had suggested he should go to his old therapist, the one he’d seen after Kurt had broken off their engagement. But it’s not like this therapist had been able to help him then. And he feels even worse now. This time, it’s really over; he knows it.
Being back at his parents’ house actually consoles Blaine at least to some extent. His mother is the caring angel she’s always been, pampering him as if he was still the small child in the family photos in the living room. But every look from his father seems to say “I told you so”, dragging Blaine back down whenever his mother has just managed to lift his spirits. Due to his parents’ opposing natures, coming home has always been bitter-sweet.
Now that Blaine has nowhere else to go, he’s incredibly grateful that his parents have kept his old room for him, even though it’s also a little weird. After all, he’s almost thirty now. He got married years ago and wanted to start his own family. Had his parents expected him to wreck his marriage and return to them sooner or later? Is that why there’s an up-to-date calendar with photographs of picturesque American landscapes on the wall above his old desk? Is that why his mother had bothered to change the calendar sheet in his empty room every month?
Maybe Blaine shouldn’t blame his father for those patronizing looks. Perhaps everyone had been aware that his relationship with Kurt had been doomed from the start. Everyone but him.
For the longest time, Blaine had thought that the trouble only started after Rachel had decided to keep their baby - his and Kurt’s. Well, biologically Kurt’s, yet the little girl would’ve definitely been their baby, had Rachel not realized that she didn’t just want to be a surrogate but a mother. The resulting crisis had torn their marriage apart. It had taken Blaine a while to realize that it had only been their last straw. Apparently, they’d been heading for disaster from the very start. Even back in high school, things had been far from rosy. Blaine sees that now.
Lost in his gloomy thoughts, Blaine throws a brief look out of the window. It’s late in the afternoon and already dark outside. So depressing. Why can’t it be May?
Blaine’s eyes wander back to the calendar, regarding the thirty smaller numbers this time. Yeah, everything about November pretty much sucks. There’s not a single day in November that Blaine is looking forward to, not even Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving with his family always turns out messy.
Except...
Blaine’s gaze comes to linger on the number eight. November 8th. That was actually a good day in November, at least in 2011. Eleven years ago. It’s when he’d met a boy who could have turned his life around and steered everything in an entirely different direction...had there not been that fateful day when something as silly as a Slushie had closed all doors and erased all possibilities.
Back then, Blaine had even assumed it was better that way. The accident had been fate’s way of showing him that Kurt was the one for him, and he’d decided to keep his distance from the other boy.
Right now, fate is probably laughing at Blaine for having been so incredibly foolish. Actually, he no longer believes in things like fate anyway. Nothing happens for a reason; everything is a series of meaningless coincidences.
Except...
Isn’t it the eighth today? Blaine quickly picks up his phone that’s been lying on the bed next to him, briefly looking at the screen to confirm his assumption. He then stares at the small number eight on the calendar again, slowly losing focus as his thoughts drift off, way back.
It’s November 8th, a day that could have been a special date to remember and celebrate every year if things had played out differently. A wistful but fond smile forms on Blaine’s face as he remembers the first time he’d met the boy. He’d flattered Blaine like no one else before or since. His flirtatious smiles and his every look had been an invitation to something Blaine had wanted so badly...
And it hadn’t just been physical attraction. There had been feelings. Those feelings had seemed so wrong and dangerous that Blaine tried to lock them up deep down. They could have destroyed everything he had with Kurt. Today, Blaine can’t help but regret his choice. After all, Kurt had never looked at him the way the other boy had.
The fog clouding Blaine’s mind slowly forms into a palpable idea, a concrete plan. He has his new phone number. Nick had given it to him last time they’d met to catch up. Blaine had pretended not to care about it much because they’d lost touch anyway. But when he’d opened the contact list on his phone to change the number, his heart started to pound like crazy as his thumb hovered over that name.
Blaine carefully puts his guitar aside and picks up his phone. After a few quick swipes, he finds himself staring at the name on the glowing screen and his pulse speeds up again.
Sebastian.
He hesitates, trapping his lower lip between his teeth. Maybe it’s a silly idea. Messaging him after all those years of radio silence. Just because he’s divorced now. It’s pathetic...but seriously, Blaine has nothing to lose.
So he starts to type.
Hey! I’ve been meaning to contact you for quite a while, but I never got around to doing it...until I looked at the calendar today and had to think of you again. Remember 11/08/2011? ;) I hope you’re doing well! xx Blaine
It takes Blaine at least ten minutes to delete and rewrite parts of the message before he finally hits the “send” button. He’s particularly unsure of the x’s. But what do these words and symbols matter anyway? Sebastian surely doesn’t need a friend like Blaine who first keeps him at arms’ length, then ignores him for years. Maybe he’ll never get a reply. It’s not like Blaine deserves one...
Suddenly, only seconds after Blaine has sent the message, the phone starts to vibrate in his hands. He feels like he must be close to a heart attack as he stares at the name on the screen, informing him about the incoming call.
Blaine’s not ready for this. His brain is paralyzed in astonishment, but at least his body seems to know what to do. As if in a trance, he accepts the call and holds his phone to his ear.
“Hi,” he mouths breathlessly.
“Hey, Killer! How’s it going?”
Blaine draws a deep breath, suddenly feeling extremely warm as he realizes how much he’d been missing this voice. It hasn’t changed at all.
“I’m...fine,” Blaine says, his lips melting into a smile. To his own surprise, he really means it. The sound of Sebastian’s voice has done something to him that his family and friends, not even a therapist, have been capable of doing. “How are you?”
“Your message just saved my day. I’m absolutely pumped now! It’s funny ‘cause just this morning when I realized what day it is, I also caught myself wondering how Blaine Anderson is doing these days.”
“So you do remember November 8th,” Blaine says with a happy smile, leaning back on his bed and sinking his body into his pillows.
“Of course I do. How could I forget the day I first met the hottest Warbler to ever walk Dalton’s halls? But hey, how long has it been since we last talked? Like...eight years? Nine years?”
Blaine feels flattered at first, but then guilt seeps in. “I’m really sorry. I wanted to contact you so often, but...”
“I know, your husband would’ve killed you,” Sebastian chimes in, undoubtedly wearing the familiar sassy smirk on his face.
“Ex-husband, actually,” Blaine corrected him, closing his eyes. It still hurts to say that ugly word.
“What? No way!” Sebastian sounds slightly shocked, causing Blaine to feel downright embarrassed.
“Look, Sebastian...I know how pathetic this is. That I’m contacting you only now...I’m feeling awful about it.”
“Uuuhhh, so you’re finally single now? No apologies required. This is the perfect time to contact me, Killer!” There’s blatant excitement in Sebastian’s voice now. “Time to paint the town red! Are you still in NYC? I might be able to make it there next weekend.”
Blaine’s heart is racing. Sebastian doesn’t seem to be mad at him at all. He even wants to see him. Soon.
“I’m actually with my family right now...in Lima,” Blaine admits sheepishly.
“Seriously? I’m in Columbus! Are you free tonight?”
A surprised chuckle escapes from Blaine’s mouth. “Umm, sure!”
“Awesome! Wait a minute...I have an idea. Remember that other day in November 2011 when we went out together? To Scandals? I feel like that night could use a do-over. Just the two of us this time.”
“That sounds great!” Blaine agrees, grinning. “When can you make it?”
“Ugh, gotta finish some paperwork at the office first. I’d rather burn it, but it’s actually important stuff. How about eleven? Would that be too late?”
“Eleven is perfect.”
“It’s a date, babe.”
Babe? Sebastian is unbelievable. He’s insane. He’s amazing. Blaine can barely control the energy and excitement that’s been welling up inside his body ever since he picked up the phone.
“See you soon,” Blaine ends the call, smiling brighter than he has in months.
Blaine’s gaze lands on the calendar again. Suddenly, November doesn’t seem all that bad. Actually, November 8th might even be his lucky day.
When Blaine enters Scandals, he’s overcome with memories from the last time he’d been there; the one and only time. Back then, aged sixteen, he’d only been able to enter the gay bar with a fake ID he’d gotten from Sebastian.
As Blaine shows his real ID to the bouncer with a polite smile on his face, he tries to shake off the memories of his previous night out at Scandals. Horrible memories of fighting with Kurt and walking home alone, fuming at first and later feeling excruciatingly guilty and embarrassed by his behavior.
Despite the fun he’d had with Kurt and Sebastian prior to the fight, Scandals has been associated with negative emotions in Blaine’s mind ever since. But it’s time to give the place another chance and make new memories.
Blaine has no idea what will happen. He has no idea if Sebastian still likes him, despite the not-so-subtle hints during their brief phone call. He doesn’t want to raise his hopes just to be disappointed at the end of the night. And even if Sebastian still likes Blaine, it’s probably just physical. Always has been. But that’s okay. He’ll be fine if that’s the case. He’ll play along. He yearns for it too.
As Blaine steps into the main room of the bar, he’s barely surprised to see that the place looks exactly as it had eleven years prior. The pictures on the walls, the neon lights; everything looks the same and it probably has for at least thirty years. The same eighties’ music is playing. Even the guests, mostly older men, look the same. They’re chatting by the bar with beer bottles in their hands or dancing enthusiastically on the dance floor. It’s actually nice to know that some things never change.
Blaine looks out for Sebastian and finds him exactly where he’d found him the first time, at the bar. This time, Sebastian is eleven years older but even more handsome than he used to be. His face looks somewhat edgier, manlier; his shoulders a bit wider. When he catches sight of Blaine, his smile is just as captivating and charming as it had been in his teens. Blaine’s heart leaps as if it wants to jump out of his chest.
Sebastian slides off the bar stool he’s been sitting on to throw his arms around Blaine, pulling him into a tight embrace. Blaine is so overcome with emotions that he almost forgets to breathe for a few seconds. Gasping for air, he inhales Sebastian’s scent and suddenly feels...home.
It seems like Sebastian doesn’t want to let go of Blaine, holding him close for a long moment. When they eventually part, Blaine beams up at Sebastian’s gorgeous face. For a fraction of a second, Sebastian’s emerald eyes shimmer as if they were a little wet, but he quickly blinks a few times and orders two Scotch on the rocks from the bartender before he starts to talk, composed again.
“If anyone had told me this morning that I’d see you tonight, I would’ve told them they’re mad as a hatter,” Sebastian grins.
“Same here,” Blaine replies, clinking his glass against Sebastian’s. “I didn’t even know you lived in Columbus.”
The alcohol burns in Blaine’s throat, almost making him cough. He laughs about himself. Everything suddenly feels so easy.
“My father eventually convinced me to follow his lead and study law. He knows quite a few people here in Ohio, so it somehow made sense to stay here career-wise. And the political climate here is so shitty that I thought there are more people here who need my help than on the coast. I do pro bono work for LGBTQ folks, for example.”
“Wow, that sounds quite chivalrous,” Blaine chuckles.
“Well...I wasn’t exactly a saint as a kid,” Sebastian says with a somewhat guilt-stricken look, but his frown quickly melts into an amused smile again. “But I learned my lesson, decided to change my ways...and now we’re here. Looks like karma has decided to reward me today. How have you been, Blaine?”
Blaine gulps, weighing the words in his head, finally deciding that he might as well be honest with Sebastian. “Lately, I haven’t been feeling so good because...you know, the divorce. Kurt cheated on me.”
“What a fucking fool,” Sebastian comments with a disgusted expression.
“Well, it’s not like I’m completely innocent of ever doing that to him. You know, back in high school...anyways, things haven’t been so great in a while. I used to work as an actor in New York, but I quit after we broke up because I needed some distance from everything that reminded me of him...”
“I saw you as Dorian Gray,” Sebastian suddenly blurts out with a slightly sheepish smile on his face. “You were absolutely stellar.”
Blaine’s eyes go wide with surprise. “What? That was...three years ago! Why didn’t you come backstage and say hi?”
Sebastian’s gaze is fixed on the glass of Scotch in his hands. He stays silent for a few awkward seconds. “I knew he’d be there too. It was always hard to see you with him.”
As Sebastian’s beautiful green eyes lock with Blaine’s again, they reflect an unfamiliar vulnerability. But Sebastian quickly regains control of his emotions, and his insecure smile turns into a confident grin.
“Anyways, it would be a shame if you didn’t go back on stage,” he continues. “Acting and singing are your true calling. It’s always been obvious.”
Flattered, Blaine ducks his head and smiles. “Well, I have no doubt that you’re a great lawyer, but it’s just as much of a shame that you didn’t decide to pursue a career as a professional dancer.”
Sebastian’s hearty laughter evokes the sweetest memories within Blaine. He suddenly remembers that one day when they’d gone ice-skating with some other Warblers. One of the few days they’d gotten to spend together as friends. Sebastian had relentlessly flattered and teased him on the ice, while Blaine had been pretending that he didn’t feel much better and happier with Sebastian than with Kurt. Before the Slushie. Before everything had gone downhill...but no, Blaine has no time for somber thoughts now. There are worlds between then and now. Eleven years...
“If you think I’m so good at dancing, how about we spin a few rounds together?” Sebastian asks with a challenging smile.
“I’d love to,” Blaine responds without hesitation, downing the rest of his Scotch.
And just like all those years ago, Blaine follows Sebastian to the dance floor and they start to dance. Yet this time, there’s no pair of angry, envious eyes following Blaine’s every move. He’s free. Free to marvel at Sebastian’s flawless body moving close to him; the way Sebastian’s tight shirt accentuates his muscular arms and the way his jeans hug his ass so perfectly. Free to return Sebastian’s teasing, flirtatious smiles.
Free to say something Blaine had always wanted to say to Sebastian. “You look extremely handsome.” It comes off his lips easily, yet making him feel so much lighter after not being able to speak those words out loud for such a long time.
An expression of surprise appears on Sebastian’s face for the briefest moment. Grinning, he replied, “And you look like personified perfection. I don’t know how you did it, but you’re even hotter now than you used to be, Killer.”
Blaine feels his cheeks flushing. He’d missed those blatant compliments. He’d missed everything about Sebastian. They dance for what seems like hours, chatting, recalling mutual memories and laughing about them together. Being with Sebastian makes Blaine feel so light, carefree, and happy. He doesn’t want the night to end. Ever.
When Harry Nilsson’s Without You starts to play, Blaine takes Sebastian’s left hand into his right and hugs the other one around his back for a slow dance. Now that their bodies are so close, flush against each other, Sebastian suddenly seems almost shy, regarding Blaine with an insecure smile.
“What’s up?” Blaine asks, grinning.
Sebastian presses his lips together as if he doesn’t want to answer, finally confessing, “This song always reminded me of you. I mean, many songs reminded me of you. But this one in particular.”
Another rush of adrenaline shoots through Blaine’s veins. “Why?”
The soft glimmer of vulnerability returns to Sebastian’s eyes. He lowers his head down, resting his cheek against Blaine’s as they slowly rock from side to side. He doesn’t say anything for a long moment, so Blaine listens to the music.
Well, I can’t forget this evening
Or your face as you were leaving
But I guess that’s just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows
Yes, it shows
“I knew you weren’t okay back then, Blaine. I simply didn’t get why you held on to him like he was your life raft. I knew he didn’t make you happy. He wasn’t good enough for you.”
Blaine feels Sebastian’s lips brushing against the shell of his ear as he speaks, causing chills of excitement to course down Blaine’s spine.
“I thought I was better than him back then. Now I know that I wasn’t. I was an idiot. Maybe I would’ve hurt you just the same. But I’ve changed.”
Sebastian pauses and his breath warmly hovers over the skin on Blaine’s neck.
I can’t live if living is without you
I can’t live, I can’t give anymore
“We were friends for such a short time, but it changed everything. Everything was different afterwards. Life sucked so much without you, Blaine. I was so afraid I’d never see you again. I thought I’d never be...”
Sebastian lifts his head to look at Blaine, visibly stirred up. He averts his eyes before leaning into Blaine again.
“Maybe I wouldn’t even be saying this without the alcohol, but if this is my only chance to say this to you, I guess I have to use it. Blaine, I...”
Blaine’s thoughts are rushing and zigzagging through his mind like a roller coaster. Had Sebastian really liked him back then? Had it been more than physical attraction? Blaine had always known that it had been more to him, but he’d always told himself that Sebastian didn’t feel the same way. But here he is now, listening to Sebastian’s confession after avoiding him for his ex-husband’s sake for all those years...
Sebastian’s words seem to be caught in his throat, but it doesn’t matter. Blaine raises his arms to rest his hands around the back of Sebastian’s neck, gently guiding him down. He lifts himself up on his toes and stretches himself upwards. He should have done this so long ago.
As their lips meet, Blaine immediately feels the warmth of Sebastian’s breath against his skin as he exhales in relief. Sebastian has clearly been waiting for this signal, waiting for permission to show Blaine what he really feels. And now that he has it, he shows it all.
Sebastian’s hands close around Blaine’s hips, pulling him in; his lips part to capture Blaine’s, slowly at first, then with increasing urgency. As their kiss deepens, Blaine feels a rush of extreme happiness within him. From head to toe, his body is burning with passion and desire for Sebastian. And he knows, he feels that Sebastian has been longing for him just as much. Blaine hasn’t felt like this in forever. No, he’s actually never felt like this.
Their lips part for a brief moment as they catch their breaths, foreheads remaining locked together, eyes closed. They’re on a crowded dance floor, but the other men couldn’t be any further away.
“I missed you so much, babe,” Sebastian whispers. “I wish we could’ve done this eleven years ago. I’ve wasted so much time.”
Blaine gently rests his hands on Sebastian’s face, cradling his cheeks and slightly shaking his head without breaking the contact of their foreheads. “No, don’t think about it that way. We’re doing it now, that’s all that matters.”
Sebastian lifts his head a little to give Blaine an affirming smile before lowering down again to share another passionate kiss.
As they dance, kiss and laugh together on the dance floor, life is simply perfect. Blaine feels not a day older than sixteen, as if he’d never gone through the troubles of his adult life.
They don’t leave until the bar closes and the bouncer finally kicks them out. Laughing, they stumble across the parking lot towards Sebastian’s car, bumping into each other every now and then - intoxicated not with alcohol but with each other.
Sebastian leans his back against the driver’s door of his car, happily smiling down at Blaine, who lifts himself up for another kiss. Only as they part, Blaine notices the full moon above them. It looks like a perfect disc made of silver or stainless steel, glowing brightly in the pitch-black sky.
“Look at the full moon,” Blaine says smiling, pointing up. “I didn’t know a November night could be so beautiful.”
“November nights are actually the most beautiful,” Sebastian grins, softly brushing his fingers through Blaine’s curls. “Especially when you get to spend them inside, beneath the sheets were it’s warm...’cause it’s fucking freezing.”
A shiver runs down Blaine’s spine. Not because of the cold, but rather of excitement. He regards Sebastian with an expectant look. “So what do we do now?”
“Well...I think I can drive. I haven’t had any alcohol in hours. Is your car parked here too?”
“I walked over here,” Blaine murmurs, not quite sure what’s about to happen.
Sebastian slightly cocks his head, seemingly just as insecure as Blaine. “Do you feel like going on a trip to Columbus? I could give you a tour...of my apartment.”
Blaine bursts into a laugh before smiling up at Sebastian, feeling more confident again. “I would love a tour of your apartment.”
Sitting in Sebastian’s car, speeding down the highway in the unusually bright moonlight, feels surreal to Blaine. It’s almost like a dream, but he knows it’s real. He knows the beautiful sound of Sebastian’s voice as they chat is real. The wonderful feeling of Sebastian’s warm hand holding his between their car seats is real.
“So have you been thinking about what to do job-wise?” Sebastian inquires, throwing Blaine a brief, curious look. “If you really don’t want to go back to acting, that is.”
“I...uhm...I don’t know yet,” Blaine confesses, somewhat embarrassed.
“You know they rebuilt Dalton, right?” Sebastian asks out of the blue.
“Yeah,” Blaine nods.
“I heard they are in desperate need of a new music teacher. Maybe I can put in a good word for you. I’m the head of the alumni association,” Sebastian announces confidently, before he adds in a softer, almost anxious tone, “or...are you planning to go back to New York?”
Closing his eyes for a moment, Blaine takes a deep breath and lets his body sink deeper into the comfortable leather seat. When he opens his eyes again, he realizes that Sebastian has taken his eyes off the road to look at him, seemingly worried.
Blaine reassures Sebastian with a happy smile, squeezing his hand between the seats. As their gazes rest on the road in front of them again, Blaine finally says, “That sounds like a pretty awesome job. And no, I don’t wanna go back to New York. I actually wasn’t sure where to go, but now...it looks like I have a really good reason to stay here.”
Sebastian suddenly slows down the car until it comes to a halt on the shoulder of the deserted highway. He leans over and pulls Blaine into a heated kiss, lighting up sparks of happiness and arousal in Blaine’s entire body.
“I’m fucking crazy about you, Blaine Anderson,” Sebastian gasps between kisses. “Always have been, always will be.”
“Don’t make any promises you can’t keep,” Blaine retorts with a chuckle. He’s joking, of course. Half-joking. He’s been burnt before.
Sebastian’s smile slowly fades and he regards Blaine with a serious expression for a moment.
“But I truly mean it,” Sebastian says in a low voice. His green eyes, reflecting the lights from the dashboard, couldn’t look more sincere. “Maybe you think I only wanna take you home because I wanna have sex with you. It’s not...well, I do wanna have sex with you, but it’s not why I wanted to see you so urgently, I swear! Blaine, you’re the only one I’ve ever...” Sebastian hesitates, his hand on Blaine’s thigh trembling slightly as he stares into Blaine’s eyes. “You’re the only one I’ve ever been in love with.”
Love. Blaine has come to really hate that word. Nothing but a false promise, nothing more than an empty shell. But at that very moment, Blaine can’t help but believe that love might still exist. If even Sebastian believes in it, maybe Blaine should too; give it another chance. Maybe love is right here in this car, in their hearts.
“I get if you don’t wanna be with anyone right now because you’ve just been through a divorce,” Sebastian continues, sounding almost desperate now. “If you need time, take all the time you want. Hell, I’ve been waiting for eleven years, I can definitely wait long-...”
Interrupting Sebastian mid-sentence, Blaine follows his body’s impulse to kiss him again, tracing his fingers along Sebastian’s neck. He then looks at him with a cocky smile.
“I don’t need any time...I need you,” Blaine teases with a chuckle. “So why don’t we go to your apartment now as fast as we can? ‘Cause otherwise I might not be able to keep myself from tearing your clothes off right here and now, which would probably get us into big trouble with the police.”
“Aye-aye, sir!” Sebastian grins and leans in for one last kiss before turning the music up, pulling the car back on the road and racing down the highway towards Columbus, enveloped in the cold, dark, and yet so stunningly gorgeous November night.