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“You ever wonder how come there’s no aliens anywhere we go?” Wash asked.
Jayne looked at him in bemusement. “‘Course there are. Cyanese got tails, don’t they?”
“Yeah, but they started human. Doc was telling me the other day about some of the stuff they get up to in the central worlds, extreme body mods and stuff. That’s how the Cyanese ended up with tails, some crazy scientist started messing around with DNA to see whether they could breed humans with tails.”
“Huh. Guess it worked.”
Wash drained his glass before turning back to his companion. “Sure it WORKED, but that isn’t the point. They’re not aliens, they’re just people with tails or scales or claws or whatever other funny-looking thing they decided was sexy out on the Rim.”
“So?”
“So, where are all the aliens? All these planets humanity has colonized and you’re telling me there isn’t a single one as had intelligent life on it before we moved in?”
“Maybe humans killed ‘em all when they got there.”
Wash scowled, before conceding, “Maybe they did. Sure wouldn’t be the first time.” He pondered for another long moment. “Maybe they just didn’t realize they had found intelligent life and the aliens were too smart to let them know. Plenty of plants and animals on all the worlds. Wouldn’t be too surprising if some of them were hiding.”
“Could be as you’re right there, Wash.” The voice from the doorway made them both jump.
“Damn it, Mal, you know better than to sneak up on a man!” grumbled Jayne.
“Pretty sure you know better than to sit with your back to the door when you can’t account for everyone on the ship, but you don’t see me whining to you about it.” The Captain looked sternly at him until Jayne looked away, still muttering unhappily.
“Now that we’ve had that conversation, came to tell you we’ve got a job.”
Wash rose from the table. “I’ll leave you two to your planning and get back to flying the ship, then.”
“No, stay,” said Mal. “Might be just the right job for you, with all your thinking about aliens.”
“How’s that?” asked Wash, intrigued. He sat back down and looked inquisitively at the Captain. “You hear something about aliens on a world we’re going to visit?”
“Not quite. Heard rumours, no proof behind them. Thing about all the worlds have people living on them, they’ve been terraformed. Anything living on them would have been remade at the same time so as to adapt to what humans could live with. So…”
“So if there’s people there, there can’t be aliens,” finished Wash.
“Exactly.”
“But where’d the rumours come from, then?” asked Jayne.
“That is the question, ain’t it,” replied Mal. “Here’s another question for you: how do we go about ensuring the rumours don’t die down?”
“Why would someone pay to keep the rumours going?” Wash mused aloud.
The Captain shrugged. “Didn’t ask. Nobody seems scared of the rumours, so as long as we ain’t terrifying the locals into doing things they don’t want to do, makes no difference to me. Probably good for tourism or some such nonsense.”
“Tourism?” Jayne asked. “Not much tourism out on the Rim. We heading back in?”
“Halfway or thereabouts. Start thinking of ways to make people believe in aliens.”
******
A week later they were in orbit above the planet. The three men had decided to spend their time in the local watering hole, telling stories of the things they’d seen out on the Rim, waiting to learn more about the locals and what they thought was out in the woods and hollows. Turned out it was nothing special, just your run-of-the-mill monster legend, only they had decided it was aliens rather than feral stock.
A few pleasant days passed, drinking and making friends. Jayne was in his element telling stories. Mal planted some ideas in the heads of a few of the more susceptible or drunk tourists, making up wild tales about why whatever it was they had seen was bound to be alien. And Wash spent his time playing the sceptic, singling out the ones who wanted to argue and telling them flat out they were wrong. After a few drinks, of course, he’d have a new friend and would be ‘convinced’ that he had been wrong the whole time and OF COURSE there were aliens.
Their employer paid them as promised, delighted by the increase in reported sightings of aliens, grinning toothily as they handed over the payment. All three of them returned to the ship with glee only slightly diminished by the incredible hangovers they had all developed. Still, they hadn’t had to buy a single drink the entire time they were planetside and it had all been for a good cause. They sat in the galley with the rest of the crew, nursing their heads and laughing about the adventure they had had.
“You should have seen the looks on some of their faces, Zoë! They really believed in the hogwash we were selling!” chortled her husband.
Jayne hooted his agreement. “And look at this!” He reached into a sack beside him and flourishingly pulled out… something.
“What in heckfire is that ugly thing, Jayne?” demanded Kaylee.
“No idea, but I reckon it’ll bring in a fair profit when we get to Boros and I can sell it to the next alien-hunting tourist,” answered the tall man, setting it down on the table. “Sure is ugly, guess it must be some sort of sculpture. One of the crazies we was talking to gave it to me, said he’d found it out in the woods at some sort of alien ritual site. Said he wanted to thank me for believing his story.”
“Not welcome here,” whispered River. She seemed enthralled by the hideous thing, peering at it from all angles.
“I don’t much care for it either, River, but it’ll be gone soon,” consoled Kaylee.
“Gone out the airlock if you know what’s good for you.”
“And why’s that?” inquired the Captain. He had finally come to terms with the notion that River’s odd demands were worth following at least half the time, so he found himself asking questions he didn’t much want answering.
“Might not wait until Boros to start hatching.”
“Hatching?!” Jayne recoiled, knocking his chair to the floor in the process.
The tiny woman blinked at him. “Best way to hide is in plain sight. Best way to hide if you’re an alien is to look human.”