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The day Regulus Black left him to be a death eater was the day James Poter died. He still remembers their last conversation, echoing in his ear like it was yesterday. But it was almost a year ago and now Regulus is dead. It was almost a year ago and James still misses his touch. His breath against his neck. Sometimes if he focuses hard enough he can hear his laugh. Sometimes if he closes his eyes, he can still see him smiling.
It’s been almost a year since their last I love you and James’ pleading. Because he was pleading, he wanted him so desperately that he begged until there was nothing for him to beg for. Regulus had already made his decision by the time they met at their safe house and there was nothing James could do about it. Still, he tried. He tried, tried, and tried. He continued trying even after Regulus was gone. He was hoping he would change his mind, he visited the safe house every day for months hoping Regulus would be waiting for him there. Of course, he never came.
James knew when Regulus decides something he will stick to it no matter how hard it is for him. James just hoped it was hard for Regulus too. He didn’t want him to suffer, no. He just wanted him to care about him the way James cared about him.
But Regulus has wounded him like nothing has all his life. He felt like a part of him was missing, a hole in his heart that will never be filled again. Not without Regulus. He left him feeling like he is his own shadow. Like the Sun has permanently set. Because that was him, in Regulus’ eyes. The Sun. But what if the person who thinks of him as the Sun leaves? Where does that leave him? A shadow in the night waiting for the rise. The rise of the Sun, himself. He had hoped Regulus will come back and make him shine again.
James had hope despite everything. Even in the midst of a war, even in the most desperate times, he had hope. For them to win. For Regulus. For them to have their happy ending. He had hope until the point he first read about Regulus’ dead. An accident, they said. His parents felt devastated, they said. James never felt rage the way he felt then. He never once thought it was an accident. He knew if Regulus is dead it was because he wanted to be dead. James felt like he died once again, just like the night he left him for the first time. It didn’t hurt less now and he knew it will never hurt less.
Regulus made a promise that night and James was desperately clinging to it now.
They were at the safe house and Regulus was looking at him with so much determination in his eyes that James felt his heart shatter. He could physically feel his heart aching and it made him dizzy. He didn’t want him to leave, didn’t want him to give up their relationship however hard it was to maintain. Regulus was distant, almost cold and James couldn’t bear the possibility that this time if Regulus leaves, he will not come back. Because of course, there were times when they had fights, where they didn’t talk for days, even weeks but they always managed to find their way back to each other. It was their dynamic and although it had hurt the both of them multiple times, they never once gave up on each other entirely.
“Regulus, please. ” James felt like crying. He felt like he was drowning and the only way to survive was to be pulled back by the man in front of him. But Regulus stepped back once. Stepped back twice until he was unreachable. “There’s always another way” he whispered desperately.
“I’m afraid there’s no turning back from here, my love” Regulus sighed and pulled his sleeve up.
James let out a quiet sob. The dark mark was on his arm, marking him as a death eater. A permanent decision he never intended to make but he had to out of obligation.
He looked at him, truly looked at him and Regulus’ look told him everything even if he wasn’t able to say them. It was really it this time. The worst of it all was that it wasn’t even because Regulus wanted to leave him. It was to keep him safe, to protect him because he loved him so much he didn’t want to put him at risk.
James broke the distance between them and hugged the man in front of him, holding him so close to himself that he felt his pulse. They didn’t break apart for the longest time. They were standing, clinging to each other like there was no tomorrow. And there wasn’t a tomorrow. Not for them.
“If there’s a life after this one,” choked Regulus. “let me meet you in it.”
And that’s the thing, isn’t it? They were never meant to be together. Not in this life, not under these circumstances. They never had the chance for a happy life, to begin with, but they desperately tried to make it work anyway. But at the end of the day, it didn’t matter because they were bound to be broken apart.
Not long after Regulus left taking a part of James with him.
James is now back in the safe house for the first time in a while. However, this was the first time he isn’t waiting for Regulus to come. He is sitting on the sofa, watching the door, reimagining the night they saw each other for the last time. Thinking, remembering, mourning. Mourning all the time they could have spent together, mourning the people they used to be. All the memories they shared. All the tears they shed. If only they had more time. If only there was a way they could have escaped this, If only there was a future for them.
Back when they were still at Hogwarts, talking about their future and their lives, Regulus was the one who didn’t believe something is waiting for them after their time on Earth came to an end. Regulus’ promise however proved otherwise. That day the man in front of him hoped for another life, a better life and James was confident enough to believe that it was him, who let Regulus believe. The thought warmed his heart.
Almost a year after Regulus left him, James was still learning how to live without him, now with his death all the progress he made is lost.
It was fine, though.
He managed to accept the fact that he has to live this life now without the hope to see Regulus again, but with a promise of a better next life with the man he loved the most.