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Levi Ackerman had no family. There was no love in his life, not really; barely two people who he could call friends, had yet to realise what a mistake he truly was. The feeling of belonging, of being understood without words, of unconditional devotion, it was all alien to Levi. It scared him.
His mother left him alone in this world before he turned five. His uncle took him in then, but he never cared about Levi. Soon enough, Levi was abandoned once again, and when he stumbled upon a trace of Kenny many years later, it was to find out he was also dead. The family that adopted him was kind at first, but soon they also gave up on Levi, leaving him with another family, and then the next one, until he finally reached adulthood. It was a miraculous end of people pretending to care for him.
Needless to say, Levi has never felt the need to love or be loved. Or so he kept telling himself.
He didn’t remember falling asleep, but when Levi opened his eyes, it was morning already. Morning sunlight was casting on the white sheets, on the wall decorated with a calendar marked by colourful markers, on the tall desk chair and his clothes sloppily hanging over its armrest.
Right. He wasn’t in his room.
Turning on his other side, Levi was greeted with a sleeping, half-naked man. His blonde curls fell on his eyes, and he was scrunching his nose in discomfort; the hair was tickling him, most probably. The man was sleeping on his stomach, arms circled around his pillow, face turned towards Levi. Huffing quietly, the raven raised his hand to brush the locks away – the man immediately smiled in his sleep, directing his head towards the warmth of Levi’s palm.
The only time Zeke was a tiny bit cute was when he was asleep.
And maybe it was one of the reasons why Levi agreed to stay the night each time Zeke asked him to; he was never supposed to cross this line and share the bed as if they were lovers, but at a late hour after an exhausting sex Levi was more than tempted to lay down and rest. The prospect of Zeke finally shutting up his handsome but annoying face for once was an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Lost in his thoughts, Levi let Zeke nuzzle into his hand, and didn’t even notice when his eyes opened and gazed at the raven in stunned silence.
“Good morning to you too,” Zeke said, his voice heavy with sleep. Levi’s hand froze in place, suddenly aware of being caught in an act. “Is this you finally saying yes to cuddling?”
Not wasting his time with an answer, Levi withdrew his hand, only for Zeke to laugh as he followed right after; the blonde took Levi’s wrists in his hand and he leaned over the shorter man, pinning him to the bed. Zeke’s grip was loose, and yet Levi couldn’t find it in him to fight his way out and free his hands that were tugged up above his head.
Initially, he wanted to protest; Levi knew very well where all of this was heading towards, and he didn’t have time nor energy for morning sex. He had to go back to his own flat and prepare for work, he had to feed his cat and do groceries, and he also promised to help Hange out with something he could no longer recall – but all of his excuses died on his tongue the second Zeke kissed him.
Zeke was a good kisser, and that was an issue. He would never admit it out loud, but Levi had trouble with saying no to Zeke, especially with the man pressing soft kisses on his lips, or leaving marks (love bites, as Zeke called them) down his neck. Levi could only try to mask his whines as Zeke bit his lower lip before tracing lower, kissing his jaw and collarbone hastily but tenderly at the same time. And when one of his hands gripped his hip, dangerously close to his slowly hardening cock – it took all of Levi’s willpower to push the man off him.
Zeke landed on his bed with a laugh, and Levi cursed at him before standing up to gather his clothes. It was only after he had his jeans on and started buttoning up his shirt when Zeke spoke again.
“Hey, can we talk?” He asked, anxiety clear in his voice. Levi turned to him, eyebrow raised in a surprise.
“Since when do you need permission to annoy me?”
The lack of Zeke’s usual laugh or at least a mocking smile started to worry Levi. He didn’t even try to talk back to the raven, sitting on the bed and looking at his own hands instead.
“...Are you free tomorrow?”
“What, yesterday’s sex wasn’t enough for you?” Levi wanted to laugh, but the serious look Zeke gave him made his stomach drop.
“No, I just thought–” Zeke cut himself off and took a deep breath. “Let’s go on a date.”
“...We don’t do dates, Zeke.” Levi responded with annoyance. A date, really? “We fuck around and that’s it, and if you want to get drunk or something, then just go with your friends, why would you–”
“I’m in love with you.”
It was as if a bucket of cold water splashed down on Levi, making his limbs freeze and chest sting with a dull ache. He stared blankly at Zeke’s calm face, a million thoughts running through his head all at once, but not a single rational one.
It was a joke. A cruel one, but Zeke’s jokes often went too far, that was how his humour was. A joke, nothing else, it was just a joke.
“I love you,” Zeke lied again, standing up from his bed, taking a step after step, closing the distance between them. “I think it’s obvious at this point, but I know you also have feelings for me. We can–”
“No,” Levi took a step back, clutching his hands close to his chest in an old habit of anxiety, feeling his own loud heartbeat all over his body. “ No.”
“What?” Levi didn’t see Zeke’s face, too afraid to look up from the floor, but the confusion in his voice was clear enough. “‘No’ what, Levi? We both know you also love–”
“Don’t you dare tell me how I feel,” Levi snapped, his voice low and strained by the lump in his throat. “I don’t love you.”
Zeke’s eyes were wide and teary as he looked at Levi, and Levi had to convince himself that the pain in his chest was not caused by the blonde man being hurt. “But there is something between us, Levi, I know you’ve been through a lot, but I can help you–”
“I don’t want to hear it!” Levi’s sharp voice made Zeke flinch visibly. Levi adverted his eyes in order not to see his hurt expression anymore. He had to push Zeke away before he would start to regret it. “And I don’t need help. Especially not yours.”
A silence answered him. Blood was rushing loudly in Levi’s ears as he took deep breaths to calm himself down, his eyes glued to the floor, too afraid to look up to witness the ache on Zeke’s face.
Levi knew he would be convinced to trust Zeke if the man spoke any second longer; he would entrust his whole life to him if he only asked. He would say yes to Zeke’s every wish, no matter how silly, he would finally let himself love and be loved, but– but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let another person enter and leave his life as they pleased. He couldn’t let the old wounds open once again.
“...I’ll call you later, okay?”
“No,” It was only right. Cut Zeke out of his life, forget about him, about all what they’ve been through. “Don’t call me ever again. We’re over.”
“Levi–”
But Levi didn’t stay to hear what else Zeke had to say. He left without as much as a glance at him; his eyes were unfocused and his mind was still clouded, but he knew Zeke’s flat well enough not to stumble over anything. He didn’t bother to put his shoes on properly, he just needed to leave, to get away from Zeke as soon as possible.
Only after Levi entered an empty lift did he realise there were tears on his face. He let out a loud sob as his whole body began to tremble uncontrollably, his legs feeling weak, hands going cold. He lowered himself to the floor, hiding his face in his palms, struggling to take a proper breath in.
Levi did the right thing. Pushing Zeke away was the right decision, he will realise it sooner or later, and the dull pain in Levi’s chest will ease eventually.