Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"You'll be fine, just shut up for a second and stop moving" Nurmi moves his hand away from the wound on her stomach and watches as the blood flows out. He looks away into the dark, trying to calm the million thoughts running through his head. A soft hand is placed on his cheek and everything stops.

"Hey- Nurmi" her voice is soft, almost like a whisper in the wind.
"Hey" she smiles. How is she smiling? How? He tries to smile back at her but he has to choke on a sob.
"I will be fine, I'll be okay. Listen." She moves his hand to her chest, still smiling like they weren't in the middle of a pitch black forest with nothing but cold air surrounding them. Like she wasn't dying in his arms.

"Sakke" she tries. And now he looks at her, all his feelings for her on display because he can't hide them anymore. He would fool himself if in a moment like this, he would still deny he's in love with Sofia Karppi. A tear ceremoniously makes its way down his cheek. This happened in all the cheesy and very unrealistic detective series they watched together when it was late at night. It didn't happen like this, not to them. She would always comment on how dramatic it was.
He's brought back to the present when she calls for him another time.
"Listen carefully" Sofia moves her hand to his cheek and he pulls her higher into his arms, leaning over her so no more harm could be done to her. He wishes the suspect they had been catching up on would come back and shoot him as well. But the thought passes when she trails her thumb across his lips.

"I love you" she smiles at him, smiling so bright it would light up the darkness surrounding them if it weren't for all the blood and the hurt and pain.
"I love you so much Sakari Nurmi, like I've never loved anyone before. You have to get that into your head right now. Okay? I wish I told you sooner" she sighs. But it's no time for regrets so she continues. "I would have spent all of my life with you if I had found you sooner, you're the one Sakari. The only one." Sofia wipes his tears away, repeating the soft gesture again and again.
"Kiss me" she whispers, not having the strength to reach up to him anymore. And he does. He leans in, shakingly pressing his lips against her cold ones. It's slow and maybe not as elegant as they have kissed before but it works for them. They kiss until Sofia has to get up for air.

"I thought you didn't believe in dramatic endings" he tries to bring out a small smile but it doesn't look sincere. However, she smiles again. And it's sad how she's smiling more when she is dying, then when she was fully living.

"Go on say it" she grins at him. And he knows, he knows because they had been over this so many times in their head.
"I love you too, Sofia Karppi. Always have and always will" he swallows.

Chapter Text

The aftermath is even worse. Nurmi knows what's going to happen now that the ambulance and the other colleagues have finally reached the forest. They will take her away from him. And it will hurt like hell. Her face is cold now, all life drained from her features. He still holds on to her, caressing her cheek like he did when he woke up this morning and she was still sleeping. Before he got up to make coffee for them, before finding this suspect, before everything went to shit.

The sirens are ringing in his ears until they stop, leaving an annoying pitch to bounce in his skull. It takes everything from him to look up from her eyes but when he does he is met with so many sorrowed eyes that he instantly looks away again. It’s the moment he breaks down. He lets his tears fall and soon Nurmi is full on sobbing, clinging to her body as if she would suddenly disappear if he were to let go. Around him agents are running past, trying to find any lead on the suspect he knows is already far gone. Or watching them from somewhere they will not find him, laughing. But Nurmi is too tired to even let his mind wander there. Two paramedics rush to him, to her. But they also know it’s too late. They check her pulse and shake their heads in silence. The two slowly move away to leave him alone once more.

Nurmi vaguely registers JP standing next to him and for once the man keeps his mouth shut. No stupid remarks and no comment on how he has been able to be her partner for so long. JP is left speechless, keeping his gaze away from the scene and focusing on keeping others away from the two.
He thinks about all the little things he has seen over the past years. How miserable the two had been apart, the car rides, the coffee. The way they would look at each other when they thought nobody was looking. He saw it all but never connected the dots. He himself had been her partner for some time and he wasn't able to keep up with her. He figured it must be temporary, that Nurmi would eventually get tired like the colleagues before him. JP had never been more wrong. He hears Nurmi sob and he looks at the man, broken pieces all over the cold forest floor.

"I love you, I love you, I love you" he hears him whisper, almost unhearable. And at this point JP has to hold back his own tears. What a fucking tragedy. He places a hand on Nurmi's shoulder and the guy flinches before looking up.

"I'm going to kill the fucker that did this" his eyes are now fuelled with rage. "I will kill him like he killed her and he will suffer" he looks back at Sofia, his tears falling on her face. Nurmi feels like shooting himself in the chest, too.
"It should have been me, it should have always been me" Nurmi mumbles as he strokes her hair. He had covered her with his coat ever since he found her but only now he feels his body shiver. He doesn’t care. Her wellbeing has always been more important to him than his own.

Not a single special forces team will be able to take her away from him. He will never let go. He can't.

"God, I have to tell Emil and Henna" and the thought alone makes him want to throw up. Both of them lost their parents and in such a short period of time and in the most cruel ways. It touches far too close to his own childhood. He is going through it all over again. And this time he loses the love of his life.

Now they will take her down to the morgue, and cut her skin to take a closer look at the mess the bullet made. She will have another scar, but he will love her all the same.

They had just started on their firsts.
First official dinner together, first time sleeping in the same bed without it being strange.

And now they have already shared their lasts.
Last kiss, last scar, last hug, last breath..

It was love
At first sight, at last sight,
At ever and ever sight
Vladimir Nabokov

Chapter Text

“So, what was she like?” His new partner asks, not even being slightly subtle about it, and Nurmi freezes. All the emotions come floating back at once. Sadness, because he always thinks about the accident first. Anger, about what happened, how it happened and the fact that he was too late. Happiness, when memories of them flash through his mind before going back to anger again. Anger that’s also directed at his 'partner', who wouldn't even come close to being a partner to him. Maybe it was just meant as a normal question, to sound interested in his life. As if talking about her would make him feel better, like everyone keeps telling him. But he doesn’t want to. He doesn't want to talk about it and people should just leave him be. 

Nurmi remains silent, getting up from his desk and walking over to the coffee machine where he leans on the small counter, feeling angry tears prickle behind his eyes. All the times he made coffee for her at the station, it was made with this machine. And she would be standing in front of the board, looking for even the tiniest bit of information. And he would listen. 

But now the coffee doesn't taste the same, and he knows he won't hear her voice anymore and it feels like no case will ever be saved again. He kicks the cabinet with so much force the cups clink and the whole department looks at him. Nurmi turns around and makes his way outside, leaving the coffee to turn cold. Like his whole life has, the day she left.

Two hands clap in a slow way, the sound filling the empty silence at the homicide department. It stops as JP uses his hands to stand up from his desk. 

“Good job” he sarcastically points out at their new colleague as he brushes past. It's his first week here, and JP had already prepared him long before on what to avoid in his new workplace. JP feels like locking him up in one of the holding cells, and maybe, just maybe, the newbie will figure out where he left his brains. Because so far, he isn't being much of a detective.
The accident had been on the news, in the papers and the only topic of discussion at the station until Nurmi would walk in. The whispers in the hallway would stop and everyone would suddenly pretend to be doing something important. Nurmi knows, and he had already learned to close it off, to ignore their looks and to try and focus on his tasks, always failing. 

He makes his way past the coffee machine, not finding him there, and takes the elevator down. Outside of the station, where flowers are still placed at the front entrance, Nurmi is standing a few paces away, cigarette in his right hand. JP watches as he takes another drag, blowing out the smoke slowly. He didn't even bother to put his coat on, just letting the cold air surround him, like a hug that once brought him warmth but has now turned to a bitter breeze. Swept away into the sky. 

JP walks up to him, just standing beside him without a word. He's being a good friend, saying nothing. Nurmi knows he is not completely alone, he is often surrounded by enough people, especially Emil. But loneliness is a feeling you can always feel, no matter how many people stand beside you. It's the feeling that she took away. Now it's back. Settled in his stomach, like it has found its way back home.

Many things pass through his mind. Memories of nights spent together, whispers, arguments, coffee cups and the sound of a gun going off. It still bounces through his skull, when it's quiet enough to let his mind completely wander back to that day. His legs ache when he remembers how he ran through the forest and his hands form fists everytime he thinks about Eskola and how he is still walking around freely. In his mind he has already killed him a thousand times. In his mind he ran quicker, and he would have won an Olympic medal if it only were a contest. 

In his mind, he had been in time, Sofia standing only an arms length behind him as he rushed forward to catch the bullet. In his mind, he had shot him as he fell, and she had been able to stop the blood coming from his chest. Somehow she always made everything better. 

Rautamaa had told him to see the police's therapist. The one that apparently knows everything about what he is going through, without ever having a taste of grief before. The one that is supposed to help him deal with the loss of his colleague- not his lover- and help him let go of the hunting sound of the gun. The one that tells him that everything is fixable with time, and that one day the memories will fade away to the back of his mind. He doesn't want to. No matter how gruesome the nightmares and how quelling the dreams are, those are the only moments he is still able to see her. 

“There aren’t any words in this world that's going to cure this pain,” he told the woman during his second session. And he never came back. 

Rautamaa told him to go back after getting the report on his 'progress'. He nodded but could never bring himself to drive to the room with white walls and two brown chairs that made him feel sick. 

The funeral had been beautiful, he realised later. A big part of the police force was there, creating a honorary guard so long that he felt it would never end. Everyone was saluting as they went by, all ready to burst into tears. Even if you hadn't known Sofia Karppi personally, you would have known her as the best detective they ever had. And while music played and Nurmi tried his best to choke out the words that stuck in his throat, he remembered her smile and the way she saved him in every way possible. 

"I'm sorry I never got to save you" 

He had looked up to the sky and saluted with a tear on his cheek, before taking Emil with him and joining the rest. 

"It was a beautiful day" he suddenly speaks up as he breathes out the last of the smoke from his lungs. The man looks at him, trying to understand without asking for an explanation. But Nurmi can sense his uneasiness with the statement, so he decides to clarify. 

"The funeral."  

"Oh. Joo," JP answers, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his coat. They remember it together, in silence, and Nurmi is glad that JP isn't one of the people avoiding him. He is holding onto the case just as bad as Nurmi is, taking over the persistence she always had. Their suspect has been in hiding for a long time now but the media is still talking about it, occasionally standing in front of the station, even if there was little to no new information. 

He remembers the day after the funeral, when he walked past the window of a grocery store, and saw a picture of the honorary escort through Helsinki, where they formed a long line of police vehicles until they reached the cemetery. Nurmi wishes they asked him for a picture of her, so no-one could ever forget the face of the most wonderful woman on earth. He was lucky enough to have captured her beauty a few times, when she didn’t fully realise it, and there is already one he wishes he could have shown the world. But he will keep them to himself, occasionally looking at his phone background a little longer.

JP looks at him when he lights another cigarette and takes it from between his fingers to take a drag himself. He lets out a breath and prepares himself to ask a question, wanting to break the silence now.

“When did you start dating?” he dares to ask when he hands the cigarette back. Nurmi takes his own drag before answering.

“We never officially did but I think we both always knew” he decides. JP nods slowly. Nurmi can still remember the first time she said she loved him, and he doesn’t want to forget, because it was also the very last. He wants to remember everything about her but he realises he is already starting to forget the feeling of her hugs and the sound of her voice is fading. He sniffles his nose, and continues to stare out into the distance. He knows he will take her with him everywhere he takes his body and soul.

“I could tell she loves you,” JP starts, not using the past tense because he is certain she hasn’t stopped loving him up there. “It all makes sense now.” Nurmi turns his face to him for the first time since JP arrived and only now the other man can see the tears in his eyes. He takes a deep breath and swallows the lump in his throat.

“We finally had it all” Nurmi chokes out before throwing the cigarette on the ground and turning on his heels, not bothering to pick it up this time. JP trails behind him until they get back to their floor and sees the new guy sitting in her chair. Behind her desk. Another thing they will have to accept. 

Nurmi walks to his own to grab his things and at this moment JP knows there is nothing more he can really do for him, besides listening and being there when he needs him. Rautamaa is following him with his eyes and when he is about to leave, the new guy speaks up. 

“Nurmi. I’m sorry.” Everyone looks up at him, waiting for a reaction, but it never comes. 

“I have to pick up Emil” he mumbles, turning around and walking away as at least ten pairs of eyes burn into his back. 

His face rests in his hands when he is back in the car, leaning on the steering wheel. The tears he had been holding in are now running across his cheeks like a silent waterfall. He had been terrified to love her, almost as much as he was to lose her. Never had he felt this way for someone before. And if he believed in soulmates, she would have been the one. That much is still certain to him. Her love made him feel lighter, as if the world wasn't resting on his shoulders anymore. But now it only brings weight. Weight he is going to carry around for the rest life.

He continues his spiral, thinking about all the things he did and all the things he didn’t do as he drives his car out of the garage. An empty passenger seat beside him. 

Ten minutes later he reaches Emil’s school and opens the door for him so the boy can get in and fill the empty seat. Eyes follow Emil too, all the way to the car that he just got into. Two grieving boys, a lost mother, a lost lover. 

“Hey kiddo” Nurmi smiles, because Emil still makes him smile, and he ruffles his hair. 

“Hey” he replies, giving a small smile back. Emil replies to his questions about his day and Nurmi does the same, although he has nothing new to bring in.

Once they arrive at home, Emil leaves to finish his homework, and promises to ask for help if he needs it. It leaves Nurmi to his thoughts, so he puts on some music and starts tidying up while every wall, every corner of the apartment, reminds him of her. When he told Emil, the boy had not believed him. He couldn't fully comprehend the words ‘your mom is dead’, and well, Nurmi can’t blame him because he didn't either. Later he broke down in his arms, realising she wasn't going to come home. Since then, Nurmi decided to live at her place, full time now. He had silently promised Sofia that he would take care of Emil. And Henna, if she needs it. So far she has continued on with her life, in her own way. But she promised to come over from time to time. 

Nurmi looks around the space, thinking about the first time they kissed, in this apartment. He was standing at the place he is in now, watching her come closer until she finally latched their lips together. A desperate kiss, much like the last one they shared. He just wishes he could have stopped the inevitable passage of time by taking the batteries from the clock hanging on her kitchen wall, leaving them to be forever stuck in a soft kiss, where everything is simply okay. 

There is still a bottle of Mackinlay’s in the cupboard, opened, for them to drink after a long day of work. It had stopped being a form of liquid courage and it had turned into liquid memory of that one day they finally caved. One he doesn’t want to forget, no matter how that night ended. The apartment has changed since then, but he can remember it as if he is watching his own movie. Nurmi shakes his head and turns to the kitchen. It’s no use.

He prepares a simple pasta that Emil loves and fills two glasses of water for them. The boy emerges from his room, stating that he has finished his work. Nurmi has no reason not to believe him. They have dinner together and clear up the table afterwards, so they can play some video games. It’s Friday night and they usually watch a movie after their usual FIFA battle. He tried to hold on to whatever bedtime rules Sofia sometimes used, but he soon realised it doesn't matter. At least not for a while. 

“Hey!” he exclaims, gesturing toward the tv with his hand in disbelief. Beside him Emil giggles wickedly and it reminds him of Sofia when they were joking about JP’s tattoo. 

“You are too slow” the kid giggles some more and Nurmi only hums in agreement. The battle continues until Emil wins the penalty and the game ends. 

“Okay, which movie?” Emil thinks for a while before settling on Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. Nurmi prepares some popcorn and drinks while Emil puts the movie on, already cuddled underneath a blanket at one end of the couch. He joins him on the other side and stretches his legs. Together the two of them watch the movie, Emil pointing out things that he had seen before, while Nurmi listens and feeds him questions.  It tires the boy out soon enough, so they get ready for bed. 

He tucks him in with the blankets and quickly runs a hand through his hair. Curly locks that are almost identical to Sofia’s, making him smile. 

“Do you want to cut it again?” he decides to ask as he grabs the book from the nightstand. Emil started reading it yesterday but since he likes being read to, Nurmi sits and reads until he falls asleep. 

“I don’t think so,” Emil answers sleepily. He jawns and closes his eyes. “Hyvää yötä” he mumbles, already halfway in dreamland. 

“Hyvää yötä” Nurmi smiles, putting the book away again. He stays until he is sure he is fast asleep and then gets ready for bed himself.

He stares at the bed for a while, another flood of memories ready to pool out of his eyes. But he shakes it away, he had already been over this yesterday. 

Sleeping in her bed was weird at first, because she wasn't there with him. Not physically anyway, her scent still lingers and she sometimes meets him in his dreams. 

A few hours past midnight, Nurmi wakes up and sits up in bed. He takes a deep breath, checking his surroundings to make sure he is indeed in their bedroom. One of his hands shakily runs across his face, trying to get rid of the sleepy state. It’s useless to attempt to sleep now. His body lays back down against the mattress while he stares up at the ceiling. There is a stabbing pain in his chest, and he is just lonely. And cold.

“Sakke?” It takes a while for him to acknowledge the voice, but when he does he moves his gaze from the hole he has now burned in the ceiling. His heart drops as he sees Emil’s teary eyes while he clings onto his stuffed dog.

“I miss mom” he whimpers, tears back to cover the ones dried up on his cheeks. Nurmi opens the blanket and shuffles closer to Sofia’s side, giving Emil enough space to lie down. The kid climbs up into the bed, snuggling into the mattress as he sobs. Nurmi wraps his arms around him, pulling him close while stroking his hair. Minutes pass until Emil’s sobs die down, only a shaky breath filling the room now. 

“I miss her too” he whispers as he studies the hole in the ceiling again. Slowly but surely his breath evens out and Emil returns to sleep. Nurmi stays awake, loosely running his hand through the curly hair spread across the pillow. His thoughts wander, like they always do, and soon he is back in his own spiral. He wishes he could see more of her smile, have more of her thoughts on this case, more nights watching crappy detective shows, more coffee dates and more car rides. He wants to tell her everything, until he can’t bring any words out, and he remembers she isn’t around to listen. Her absence will always be loud and the wound of her loss is bigger than all he will ever be. 

Nurmi sighs and pulls Emil closer to his chest, hoping that in some other lifetime, she is still holding his hand.

See, I wish I could take it back, change the future and erase the past
Grab the bullet out and pull you back
I promise that I'd save your life like you saved mine
But now it's far too late for that, and all I have is your story left to tell
So let me tell it, let me tell

- They Don't Know You Like I Do, Imagine Dragons