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Lance looked out of the window. His forehead was pressed on the cold pane. A fine coat of snow covered the roofs and the pavement. Christmas was coming. He never liked those fucking Christmas celebrations – too much red and green. Plus, he's never been a family guy. Last year, he had spent three hours explaining to her mother why Bobbi and he had broke up. This year he yearned for something else then discuss about his life's choice.
Hunter stared at the man in the bicycle The postman were sliding a large amount of paper in the tiny letterbox slit. Hunter stood up, grabbed his keys and walked down the stairs. When he opened the door, he could feel the cold breeze in his bare neck. Lance brought out of the letterbox his post, then went back up.
He set the mail down the table. He knew the letter was in the amount of shit. Lance dropped on the floor all the crappy adds, the unpaid invoices, and he found it. The envelope was light green. Lance could have recognize her writing among many. He caressed the thick mailer. Every first Wednesday of each mouth. Every first Wednesday of each month since their separation among the bills and the leaflets, there were a letter from Bobbi in the mail box. Hunter laid the letter next to the pile of other letters, all sent by Bob.
The letters were all upon the table. Lance never had the courage to read them yet many time he had tried. He had looked at each of them for hours and hours, but he just couldn't open those envelopes.
He stared at the heap of colored paper. It was the first thing he saw in the morning and every morning he sat by the window with his cup of coffee, he laid the letters on his lap and tried to convince himself to read them. However, Lance always put the envelopes back on the table...
Today was different. There were about a twenty letters on this furniture, all with a little number on the left corner. Hunter knocked down the pile of papers on the floor, he searched for the first letter, crumpling some of them incidentally.
“Goddammit !” he yelled while giving a kick his the amount of colored envelopes spread on the floor. Lance threw his head back and rubbed his forehead. He looked down and was about to gather them when he saw the first letter. Hunter grabbed the light orange envelope. He turn the mailer around and opened it carefully.
He slid two fingers in the envelope slit to brought out the thin sheet of paper. Lance took a deep breath then unfolded the letter.
Lance,
I must admit I don't really know why I'm doing this. I mean, what will it change ? You will probably never read this letter anyway.
I think I just need to write down all that I should have told you over the years, because I can't help myself thinking that maybe if I had said these things, we would still be together.
I should have told you how you were important for me, how I loved you. The thing is... I still love you. But I learned that sometimes, love's not enough. I love you, you love me (at least I think you do) yet we don't seem to get along. We only tear each other to pieces. We couldn't do this anymore. We had suffered enough don't you think ?
I'd like us to be together, I'd like this love to be sufficient. But you can't always get what you want...
I hope you're alright.
I miss you,
Bobbi.
Hunter read the letter several times. He set the sheet of paper down on the floor. He looked for the second one, and as soon as he found it, opened it in a hurry.
Lance,
I don't know if you've read my first letter, but I feel the need to write another one.
I've never been able to express clearly my feelings for you, I don't know why I feel the need to write them down to you now we are divorced. Divorced. All of this feels like a fucking nightmare. And god, I'd like this to be a nightmare (I know we took the decision together, I'm not trying to blame you for it, trust me).
Truth is you're never really prepared for this. I mean, you share everything with your chosen one, and suddenly, you wake up alone, and go to bed the same way... Now I realize I should have enjoyed those moments why you. Snuggled side by side.
Sometimes I woke up, and I look for you in the bed, then I remember you don't sleep in this one anymore.
During all those years, I might have focused on the bad side of our relation. I regret it. I regret it because we could have been fine.
This might sounds useless to you but I needed you to know.
There are many things still left unsaid, but I'm not sure I'm ready for this yet.
I still miss you,
Bobbi
If he had read those letters sooner. He would have known. And maybe he would have felt better. Hunter found the third envelope. It was thinker. He frowned while he pull the sheet out of the mailer. Something fell from the envelope, but he didn't pay any attention, focused on Bobbi's words
Lance,
I still don't know if you had read my previous letters. But I hope you'll read this one, because it's truly important. I should pick up the phone, but I can't be as sincere as I'm in my letters so I'm just going to tell you this. If you don't read the letter, it's would probably be destiny.
I'm expecting a baby. Your baby. I didn't know (at least I wasn't sure until yesterday). I don't really know how I feel about it yet. We never wanted to have a baby while we where married so...
But I don't want to get ride of it anyway. Maybe this baby is my chance to be a better person.
If you read this, I hope you're not freaking out. We are part, I don't ask you anything. I just think you had the right to know.
Here is my sonogram. For the moment “it's” tiny. But the little grey thing inside the black “circle” is the baby. Your baby.
Miss you,
Bobbi
Lance toss the letter on his side and picked up the little sonogram. He whispered a curse. This letter had been sent around a year ago. He shook his head and leaned his back on the wall. It meant he was a father. He needed to read the other letters. Lance read the fourth and the fifth. There was another sonogram in the sixth. He stared at the little photograph for a couple of minutes.
Lance,
It's not a it anymore. I know what it is. But I knew it. Maybe my maternal instinct... Anyway, it's a girl. A baby girl. She already means so much for me. I can't wait to feel her move inside me, it will make it real. Even if now, people can see I'm pregnant... I've got a little bump.
I'm trying to figure out why I still send letter while you obviously don't read them. I think it helps me, so I will do it until I don't feel the need to.
Or maybe you've been reading them, but you don't want me to know. I consider every eventuality, as I always did.
I already have some ideas for her. But, I'll let you know in my next letter.
This is our baby girl. Now you can see her head, body, small feet and hands. One day this tiny thing will be out of me. I can't wait but I'm scared. Will I be a good mother ? Will I be able to take care of her how I'm supposed to ? I would need you to tell me everything's going to be OK, as you always did.
We miss you,
Bobbi.
In an hour, he learned that Bobbi still loved him and that he was the father of a little girl. Hunter waited before reading the next letter. He bit his lips and grabbed the seventh letter. In this one, there was only on folded post-it.
Lily Isabelle.
His daughter was named Lily Isabelle. His heart skipped a beat : she paid tribute to their friend. He felt so many things right now. He tried to calm down before going on his reading. Hunter read some of them out loud, because some words seemed so unreal.
Lance,
I felt her. I felt her move inside me. This is real. She's here. Inside my body. Now when I caress my belly, I can feel her head (or ass to be honest), and sometimes she gives me little kicks when I'm talking to her.
I've been talking about you.
Lily and I miss you a lot,
Bobbi.
Knowing his baby was moving inside Bobbi's belly gave him a strange feeling : he would never be able to feel his daughter this way. He would never be able to talk to her trough Bobbi's womb.
Hunter held the tenth mailer. He opened it with precautions and brought out a sheet of paper and a photograph. This was a newborn. The baby had brown hair, thin lips and strangely for a newborn, its eyes were wide opened. His daughter had big and beautiful blue eyes. Blue as Bobbi's ones.
The picture still in his hand, Lance read Bobbi's message.
Lance,
She's finally here. And god she is so beautiful. I can't take my eyes off her. Believe me or not, she looks like you. You probably can't see it on the photograph, but she had little dimples when she does this things with her mouth. This is too cute.
Lily Isabelle Morse (Apparently it's not too late for her to be a Hunter) is 1'7 tall and she weighs 7lb 4oz. For the moment she's so sweet. She doesn't cry a lot, only when she's hungry. But she was born only yesterday, let's see if she stays like this.
She really really beautiful. She the best Christmas present I ever had.
Admitting you read this letter, you can come and meet her.
We miss you,
Bobbi and Lily
Hunter brushed his daughter's face on the photograph and had a crooked smile. He stood up, took a glimpse at his living room to find a frame. Lance tossed a meaningless family picture, and framed his child's photograph instead.
He was about to sit on the floor again when something struck him : where were they right now ? He needed to see her. He needed to see Lily and Bobbi. Hunter ripped the corner of the following envelope. There wasn't any address, not in this one, not in the twelfth nor the thirteenth.
Lance rubbed his face. He opened all the envelope without paying attention to anything that didn't look like an address. In a desperate moment, he gave a kick and stamped the letters. Hunter regretted his action as soon as he realize what he had done. He gathered the papers, and set them down the table. He look at another picture of his daughter. She must have about 6 mouth. Lily was siting on the grass, with a purple dungarees. She had a little hair slide on her forehead. Her eyes were shinny, seemed like she just had cried.
Hunter laid the photograph on the table. His eyes were suddenly caught by a word in one of Bobbi's letter.
Lance,
Today she said her first word. We were at the grocery, and suddenly, I head her say "Mama". She looked deep in my eyes and said "mama". Then she started to laught.
It might sounds so little for you, but she's growing up. Too fast. I want her to say as innocent. Growing up is lame, it broke people. And I don't want her to be broken. Never.
We love and miss you.
Lizzie and Bobbi (Lizzie is her nick name, I thought it was cute)
Hunter took the last letter. The one he had received today. There was a the sheet of paper and a photograph. He read carefully Bobbi's words.
Lance,
Today Lizzie celebrated her first birthday. I'm so proud, but so sad. She grew up so fast. It seems like she was born yesterday and not a year ago.
This morning she walked for the first time. When she fell into my arms she started to laugh... That was so adorable.
I would do anything for her. She's all I have left. But someday, she will ask me why she doesn't have a father like all her friends at school. One day she will. And I don't know what I will tell her because I don't know how you feel about this. I don't even know if you're aware of her existence. I think I don't need you anymore, I mean, I had closure but Lizzie is so young, she doesn't know it yet but one day she'll need you. She'll need you and you won't be there. But I don't blame you. I don't want you to do it if you don't want it or if you're not ready.
Maybe I should have pick up the phone after all. Maybe you're just gathering in a corner of your flat all the letters I've sent... Maybe you just tossed them.
Anyway, in case, here a photograph of your daughter blowing her candle.
Goodbye and merry Christmas,
Bobbi and Lizzie.
He looked at his daughter's face blowing her first birthday candle. Hunter leaned on the wall and re-read all the letters. One by one, paying attention to every words. He learned she's mostly called “Lizzie” which he found cute. The first thing she said was “Mama” and she knows how to turn on the radio on her own. Lance focused on every details. He needed to know her. In fact he needed to see her.
Hunter grabbed his coat, slid a picture of Lizzie in his pocket and took his car key. He hurtled down the stairs to reach his car. He started his vehicle, heading to New-York. There was a possibility that Bobbi still lived in their former flat and no matter the ten hour of ride he was about to do.
The hour were passing. Lance kept on driving, every hour brings him closer to her... Perhaps.
When he finally arrived in New-York, it was about midnight. A light snow was falling from the sky, and all of the city seemed to be enchanted by the spirit of Christmas. Eventually, Hunter pulled over in front of his former building.
He reached the door, the code hadn't changed since he left. Hunter took the lift, his ascension seemed never-ending. When he get to the twelfth floor, he made for the door number 5.
Hunter took a deep breath, then knocked. The door unlocked, and she opened it.
Bobbi was stunned. She looked at him, speechless. Lance brought the photograph out of his pocket. She started to wheeze.
“You were right” he said. “The letters were gathered on my table. Never had the courage to read them.” Hunter stopped, took a glimpse at Lizzie's photograph. “If only I had knew.”
Bobbi couldn't say anything, she stayed still, staring at her feet.
“I think I know why you called her Lily.”. She looked up to him. “We married next to a tarn full of lily pads. And I remember, you said if one day, we had a little girl, you would call her Lily.”
She sniffed. Hunter took her in his arms and held her tight. Bobbi inhaled deeply in his neck as he kissed her temple. They stayed this way for a couple of minutes. She broke the hug and wiped away the tear that were dripping in her eyes.
“I think I need to introduce you to someone”.
Bobbi invited Lance to come in. She led him to a little room with light purple wall. In a tiny bed, was sleeping a baby girl with short curly brown hair. Hunter couldn't help himself to caress the face of his daughter for the first time.
She was the most precious thing he had saw and he would do anything to protect her.