Work Text:
She'd take the world off my shoulders
If it was ever hard to move
She's turn the rain to a rainbow
When I was living in the blue
“Hearts are made to be broken” said Oscar Wilde back in his day. Yes, the heart was made to be broken but it was the owner who got to decide how it’d get broken.
And Taehyung chose a big, doe eyed boy to have the privilege of shattering his into pieces.
These days when he got sick like this, he tended to get emotional more than usual, felt like he was alone because his parents were away, and he felt too tired to get out of the bed even for a cup of warm tea. Buried in his fluffy blanket, he could feel his head throbbing from the pain. The virus that's going around, making everyone sick, finally got a hold of him too. Last night when he came back from his studio he felt way better, but once the morning came, he couldn’t even find the strength to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom.
Just as he was about to fall into another nap, he heard the front door open and close, soft steps making their way into his bedroom.
“Taehyung?”
Johyun, his boyfriend of 6 months. The first person he let inside his heart after his infamous heartbreak.
“‘I'm here,” he said, voice hoarse from not talking the whole day and his sore throat. He felt the bed dip, then a hand was on his forehead, checking his temperature.
“God, you’re burning up Tae,” suddenly the blanket was being pulled away from him. “Why haven’t you called? I thought you were stuck in the studio after I couldn’t get a hold of you.”
Soft hands were now helping him out of the bed and he held on with his dear life because his body was so weak, he felt like he could just collapse right then and there.
“I woke up sick, didn’t want to make you worry.”
A few more steps and a few minutes later, his clothes were off of him, and he was being helped to get into the tub filled with warm water, scent of something minty barely making it up to his clogged nose.
“Why are you being like this? I told you a million times I would help you with anything. You made me so worried.”
Taehyung smiled, pressing a kiss to the palm of the hand that was holding onto his right cheek. Tae had no energy to respond, even keeping his eyes open felt like too much work. So, he just closed his eyes, resting his head against the hard marble of his bathtub.
He knew. Of course he knew Johyun would help him through everything. Johyun, the person who tried to break down his high walls and eventually succeeded, Johyun who always made sure he was going to bed with a smile on his face. Johyun, who made him feel butterflies again, just when he thought he would never get to be happy again.
But all those things didn’t mean that sometimes, when he closed his eyes, he didn’t catch a glimpse of the pretty brown eyes that belonged to someone he once loved so dearly.
“Jungkook, you know you’re not supposed to go in there.”
Tae was sick again, surprise surprise. No matter how good he ate, no matter how many vitamins he took every morning, after a few weeks into the tour, he’d always get sick, most of the time still performing even when he was running a high fever.
“What do you mean I can’t? Get out of my way.” A smile creeped on his face hearing this exchange behind the closed door. Of course, even if he had to fight hard for it, Jungkook always eventually got what he wanted.
“We can’t have you get sick as well. Please don’t push it.”
Tae could easily picture Jungkook’s face right now. Eyebrows furrowed, sulking, trying to make his way into the room by being difficult.
“Look, Sejin hyung, I take my vitamins every day, I am fully healthy. I never get sick even when all the other guys do, please just let me in. I need to make sure he is okay.”
Manager Sejin knew he had no choice but to say yes at that point, because Jungkook was born stubborn, and he wouldn’t let it go until he made his way into the room.
Finally, the door opened and closed, Tae could hear it being locked from the inside.
“Tae-hyung?” Soft, careful hands found their way into his dirty hair, fingers slowly going through his knotted locks, being very careful to not tug on them and hurt him.
“You shouldn’t be here.” Tae said before starting to cough, his throat feeling like it had a piece of glass stuck in it. Jungkook helped him sit up, a glass immediately pressed against his lips. He took as big of a gulp as he could, opening eyes to see Jungkook look at him with concern filled in his eyes.
“Nonsense.” He said firmly, “What am I supposed to do but take care of you? You know I would help you with anything”
Why then, if she's so perfect
Do I still wish that it was you?
Perfect don't mean that it's workin'
So what can I do?
Taehyung felt guilty all the time. Every time he pressed a kiss against Johyun’s lips, every night he ended up wrapped in his arms, all bare, quick breaths, every time he opened his eyes, to find hazel ones instead of sparkly brown eyes looking back at him. Their relationship had no problems. They would go on dates, cook together, they even met each other’s parents last Christmas when they both flew them out to Seoul to spend the holidays together. It seemed like the perfect relationship to every eye looking from the outside.
But he couldn’t help trying to hear the childish, loud laughter filling the apartment sometimes.
He couldn’t help opening a bottle of white instead of his usual red one sometimes. Just so he could taste it when he kissed his boyfriend. Just so he could imagine he was kissing someone else.
But one thing was missing. Although they were perfect together, Johyun would never taste the same even after a few glasses of white wine.
When you're out of sight
In my mind
“Take care of yourself.” Was all Jungkook said before he closed their apartment door.
Taehyung couldn’t move. He could feel his heart shattering inside.
Jungkook wasn’t courageous enough to hold onto him.
But Taehyung didn’t want to hide anymore. BTS was over after many years of being active, and they were to work on their own things now. They were ecstatic about it even though they missed the feeling of being a group. The new gained freedom gave courage to Taehyung while it took all the courage Jungkook had out of him.
“I’m saying it again. We can’t come out, Tae. Please.”
“Why not? We can just move from here, go to the States like we dreamed about. We can come out, get married, do whatever we want now. Anything we want, Jungkook.”
They have been arguing about it for weeks now. But every time Taehyung said something about coming out, Jungkook would reject so firmly that it was starting to break Taehyung’s heart. He was so sure about the love they shared, but he couldn’t understand what it was that made Jungkook so scared.
“We can’t just move somewhere else, Tae. We are Koreans, it doesn’t work like that here.”
Through all the years, keeping their relationship a secret was easy because they were doing it for the sake of the responsibilities they had for the other people in the group. A gay idol couple in Korea wouldn’t be just their downfall, but it would cost every single one of them their careers and so many other things. And Taehyung understood that. He never tried to push it, he just kept going with the flow, he just kept loving Jungkook behind closed doors. But now, after 10 years, he wanted to let everyone know how in love he was, how he found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with at the ripe age of 20, and how they have been going strong ever since. But Jungkook didn’t agree.
Taehyung wanted to be selfish for once. Wanted to do what his heart desired the most. He kept living for other people for so many years that it got to the point where he felt like he was breaking down. It was Jungkook who kept him going until they came to this point. But after a few weeks of fighting and drifting apart because of that, Taehyung came home to see a huge suitcase, all packed, right next to the door. Was Jungkook going to visit his family?
But when he saw Jungkook sitting on the couch, his head low, elbows resting on his knees, he finally realized that wasn’t the case.
“What’s going on?” he dared to ask, even if he knew the answer. Jungkook wanted to take a break. He wanted to get away from him. Never since they’ve met Taehyung thought this day would come but here they were, Jungkook feeling a million miles away even if he was sitting right there just a few steps away from him, the suitcase packed to maybe never make its way back home again.
“Sit, Tae. Let’s talk.”
Jungkook never sounded colder than he did at that moment. But his eyes were still soft, like he was trying to hold onto his tears to not seem weak. Taehyung could see his slender fingers shaking, shaking just like his own body was.
“Are you going to Busan?” he asked once he sat down, making sure his voice didn’t crack. They needed to talk instead of cry right now.
“No, I’m not.” Jungkook shook his head, his eyes making contact with Tae’s glassy ones. “I’m not going to Busan. I’m flying to America in a few hours.”
“To America? For that collaboration that was coming up?”
Jungkook shook his head. Tae felt more scared than he ever felt in his whole life. What did that mean? Why would Jungkook fly there, especially without Taehyung?
“I don’t get it.” He said, his voice so small.
His chest was getting tight, breaths coming out in short puffs. He could already feel his heart breaking inside, he already knew there was no going back from there right then.
“I took the contract offer from that label in Los Angeles. I’m not just going there for a while, Tae. I’m moving there. By myself.”
'Cause sometimes I look in her eyes
And that's where I find a glimpse of us
And I try to fall for her touch
But I'm thinkin' of the way it was
Said I'm fine and said I moved on
I'm only here passing time in her arms
Hopin' I'll find a glimpse of us
Now, a few years later, Taehyung was living in a whole new apartment, with a boyfriend who spent a few days out of the week in that same apartment. Johyun was an easy-going person. He got along with every one of his friends. He never pushed, never asked for much. They liked the same kind of songs, the same kind of movies, both despised coffee and spicy food.
Taehyung sometimes felt like he was looking into a mirror instead of the others’ eyes.
But in that mirror, right behind his own reflection, was a man, hovering over him, making sure not to leave his mind. Every time they shared a kiss, Taehyung felt like there was a hand on his shoulder, trying to pull him away from Johyun.
“Don’t go into things for the wrong reasons.” Jimin said once, when they were sitting on the floor, passing a soju bottle between each other. Everyone knew how much of a mess he was after the breakup. Of course, he was. More than 10 years of his life left with Jungkook in that suitcase, flew to America to start a new life he now had no idea about. He didn’t ask, no matter how much he wanted to know. Was Jungkook okay? Was he happy there? He hates dark rooms; does he have enough sunlight coming into his new room there? Does he come back home sometimes? Did he move on from me? Does he ever ask about me?
And months passed like that. He never asked a question about Jungkook, mostly because he was afraid of the answers he would be getting. He never tried to call or text, mostly because he didn’t have his American number. He moved into the place he lived now, because he couldn’t handle seeing Jungkook in every corner of the house.
He left the same night Jungkook left. And made the others get his belongings from there.
It was suffocating, he still remembered how he woke up after passing out from crying too much.
He couldn’t bear to spend another minute there. So, he left too. Just like Jungkook did.
And he moved on. He swore to everyone around him. To Jimin, to his hyungs. He said he was doing fine, no he really was, and no, he was not dating Johyun after being alone for a few years because he felt lonely, he genuinely loved the guy.
He swore to himself that he was over Jungkook. He was .
But he couldn’t help trying to find something in Johyun that would remind him of his ex-lover. When a kiss was pressed against the mole on his nose, he could almost hear the way Jungkook breathed, but it was not him. No matter how long he closed his eyes when they were making love, he couldn’t feel like it was Jungkook who was pressed against him.
He felt guilty.
He wasn’t being fair to Johyun.
Johyun, who had no idea once Taehyung was so in love with someone else that it made it hard for him to breathe. How that said someone broke Taehyung into pieces to start a whole new life in a world far away from him.
How that someone didn’t have enough courage while Taehyung had so much, too much that he wanted to shout it out into the world, “I love him! I have always loved him. And guess what? He loves me back!”.
Tell me he savors your glory
Does he laugh the way I did?
Is this a part of your story?
One that I had never lived
Maybe one day, you'll feel lonely
And in his eyes, you'll get a glimpse
Maybe you'll start slippin' slowly and find me again
“Hyung, I love you.”
Taehyung closed his eyes when he heard those three words whispered against his ear, lips grazing his lobe, secretive. He was on the stage, with people he loved the most in the world, doing what he loved to do the most. And now, a hand was pressed against the curve of his back, lips against his ear, that simple but heavy sentence was being whispered to him, in a way that made Taehyung know everything would be different from then on.
“I will never love someone else like I love you.”
He broke up with Johyun after dating him for 2 long years.
It was a mutual breakup, unlike the one he had before. They sat and talked while having wine, about how it wasn’t working anymore, about how Taehyung’s head was always somewhere else, about how Taehyung never really looked at Johyun with enough love to make him feel actually loved.
And Taehyung couldn’t blame him at all. He tried his best to give Johyun all his love and affection, he wanted to be genuine and love him as much as he could. But he gave almost all his love to someone else and now, the crumbs left after that love wasn’t enough to feed someone else.
And when they broke up, Taehyung finally understood Jungkook. Still, he didn’t find him right about leaving without a warning like that, but he understood him. Taehyung was asking for too much from someone who wasn’t ready to give him all of what he needed.
He finally understood that Jungkook didn’t leave because he no longer loved Taehyung, Jungkook left because he was scared. Because after the breakup Taehyung was filled with fear of the possibility of never loving someone again. And fear made him act like he hasn’t in the past 5 years.
“No, Tae.” Jimin shook his head, his voice stern. “I can’t give you his number.”
Taehyung knew Jimin was trying to protect not only him but also Jungkook. Hell, what would he even say when Jungkook picked up? Ask him how he’s doing after not talking to him for years?
But he just wanted to hear his voice, on the phone and not from a song that came up on the radio.
“At least tell me how he’s doing, you guys never tell me anything about him.” He pleaded, as if he wouldn’t be mad if they gave updates on Jungkook to him. But now, something inside him craved to know about him once again, even if it was going to break his heart.
“I don’t talk to him about you either, okay? Please Tae, don’t push it anymore.”
So, he never asks about me either. Taehyung thought, even though he knew how selfish of him it was to want something like that.
But he doesn’t give up there. He keeps asking all his hyungs, tries to get a hold of Jungkook in some way, even thinking about calling up his parents just so he can know something personal about him and not something he can just find on the internet.
And one day, when they are at Namjoon’s place, Yoongi breaks, not being able to take all Tae’s pleading anymore.
“Do you really want to know what he’s doing these days?” Yoongi asks, his hand gripping his whiskey glass firmly. Jimin’s hand flies to Yoongi’s knee, squeezing it like it would stop him.
“Please.”
“Yoongi, don’t.” Joon says but it’s no use, because a few seconds later, Yoongi starts talking with Tae listening carefully, his eyes focused on Yoongi and Yoongi only.
“We are all flying out to LA in two weeks.” He says. “Jungkook is getting married.”
And then he keeps talking, and Taehyung can’t hear him anymore.
“So, you two are dating?” Yoongi asks casually, like he is just asking about how their day was. Both Jungkook and Taehyung nod while smiling, their hands clasped together firmly. A smile creeps onto Yoongi’s face, he lets out a big breath that obviously means finally .
“Whatever you do, don’t break each other’s hearts, kiddos.”
Taehyung doesn’t know how he got to his apartment after running out of Namjoon’s place in hurried steps. He keeps repeating those words over and over, about Jungkook being with another guy for 2 years now, about Jungkook finally officially moving on from him, now confirmed by his friends.
About Jungkook finally having the courage to marry someone who is not Taehyung , while Taehyung couldn’t even kiss someone without thinking of him.
Trying to catch up his breath, the first thing he does is to open his fridge, taking out all the white wine bottles, all the same brand someone once loved so much. All the bottles he kept stocked, now in pieces on the floor.
He doesn’t want that taste in his mouth ever again.
He doesn’t want to know if Jungkook also thinks of him when he is kissing someone who isn’t him. Trying to taste Taehyung on someone else’s tongue.
He slides down onto the floor, hands in his hair, gripping so tight he could feel a headache coming. His tears, salty, are getting into his mouth.
Once again, he thinks if things would’ve been different if he went after Jungkook. If he told him he didn’t care about getting married, he just wanted to know why Jungkook was so scared of marrying him. If Tae wasn’t so pushy, would he have been the one getting married to the love of his life in two weeks from now?
Because even after all these years, he never really lost his hope of Jungkook coming back to him. Never lost the hope of them eventually getting back together, despite all the years both spent apart from each other.
But he finally understands. Love is not always sunshine and smiles, good morning and good night kisses. It’s not always ending up with the one you love. You can give someone your all, but if they are not ready to take it from you, there’s nothing you can do. But he also knows, no matter how many years pass, no matter who Jungkook says yes to at the altar, no matter who he goes to bed with him every night, Taehyung would always try to find a glimpse of Jungkook’s sparkling eyes, the sound of his loud laughter, the way his lips felt against his in every person he would let into his life. And all he can wish is somehow passing by Jungkook’s mind occasionally, even as a memory.
You take love, you give it a place in your heart and then you let it ruin you in every way possible.