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“I won’t be attending middle school here.”
“Huh? What do you mean, Rin?”
“I’m going to Australia.”
“So, you’re going to a different country?”
“Yep, I’m going to a swimming school.”
“What are you trying to do?”
“I’m gonna become an Olympic swimmer.”
“Why didn’t you tell us? What about the relay?”
“I’ll swim in the relay. I’m leaving the day after the tournament. So, this will be the last time the four of us swim together.”
Nagisa had said the place was haunted. The thought created enough terrifying images in Makoto’s mind – seeing faces and silhouettes in every shadow they passed by in the abandoned building, the building where the three of them all spent some of the greatest days of their childhood. Ghosts of their past littered the halls, the locker rooms once filled with laughter and teasing, the lobby where they’d hover around after practice, the photo on the wall of four happy children huddled together. Because of it all, Makoto had been sure that the boy standing in the dark hallway must have been a ghost.
In a way, you could say he was. For years, Rin only existed in shadows, in faded memories that grow harder to remember with each passing year. A promised return that never came, letters and emails that never received replies, phone calls never answered. Rin no longer existed in Makoto’s world, all proof that he’d ever been there at all existing in a singular photo in an abandoned building and a shared trophy buried in the dirt like a casket.
“Huh? Who’s there?” Nagisa whispered to the other two boys as they all watched the figure approach.
“I can’t tell.”
He’d been unrecognizable at first, completely changed from the bright-eyed boy who swam butterfly before disappearing on a plane. The voice vaguely familiar, but lacking both the higher, boyish pitch from youth and the bounce of endless excitement and charisma.
“I didn’t think I’d run into you guys here.”
The only clear giveaway that he knew this ghost: a snap at the back of his hat. Just as he once would snap on his goggles before their relays.
“Rin!”
The excitement was short-lived. When Makoto caught sight of Rin’s eyes, something was missing. Something was off. This ghost lacked the same soul of the friend that left them years ago, the phantom that lingered in Makoto’s head on the nights of summer when the smell of sea salt coats the town.
“You’re back from Australia!” Nagisa exclaimed, grabbing onto the familiar stranger’s arm.
Even the burning sunlight of the youngest’s presence couldn’t shine on the shadows plastered onto their old friend’s face. Cautiously taking one step towards Rin, Makoto asked, “What are you doing here, though?”
“This must be fate.” Nagisa cut in before any response could be made. With oblivious, eager eyes, he looked back at Makoto. “Some unseen force brought us all here at this exact – “
“Haru,” Rin cut in, cold steel slicing through his words, “you’re still hanging out with these guys? You never learn.”
These guys?
The words were spoken as if Nagisa and Makoto were two stray cats Haru continued to feed despite his parent’s protests, not an ounce of affection for his past teammates and once close friends. Something tightened in Makoto’s chest as he scanned over Rin. His old friend didn’t look at him, at least not directly. As if he were barely there at all, as if Makoto were the ghost. No, worse than that – as if he didn’t even know Makoto, as if he didn’t matter at all. “What are you talking about, Rin?”
But Rin didn’t answer him. His eyes remained glued on Haru.
Haru, hanging back, matched Rin in his flat, harsh response. “And what about you? Have you learned anything?”
“Haru?”
Rin scoffed, once again not reacting to Makoto in the slightest. “I’m glad you asked. Why don’t I show you? Let’s race, Haru.”
Makoto tried to call out to Haru, to try to understand as his best friend joined Rin, both of them walking in unison into the shadows. The invisible hand gripping onto his heart squeezed harshly as his eyes followed Rin until he could no longer make out the shape of him.
This was not the Rin that swam the relay with the three of them. This was not the Rin that smiled with sunshine when he talked about what swimming meant to him, how his father swam and inspired him to want to bring together a relay team himself. This was not the Rin that joined Makoto and Haru on their walks home, the only person that could feel at peace with the two closely bonded friends. This was not the Rin that could make anyone laugh or that always seemed to notice when Makoto didn’t feel well or that held his hand under the sakura tree when Makoto got lost in memories of fateful typhoons. This was not the Rin that understood exactly why Makoto was so afraid of the ocean, who could empathize with the fear.
“Did they just ditch us?” Nagisa asks.
This was not the Rin that Makoto longed to see every single year, to hold his hand once more when the flowers blossomed in the springtime.
“Looks like it.”
*
“You’re Matsuoka-senpai’s – “
Rin perked up immediately at his name, stepping up to where Ai hovered in the door. “What’s wrong?” The frown he sported through most of the day of training deepened at the sight of his little sister. He moved past his roommate, facing his sister head on and studying her expression as her eyes widened.
“Onii-chan?”
“Gou?”
In his general avoidance of all the members of Iwatobi, Rin hardly spent any time since coming back to Japan with his sister. Even with intermittent visits during holiday breaks, this “grown-up” version of Gou seemed so different from the tiny mental image he had of her; giant eyes and short pigtails replaced by someone that looked far too adult too soon. How many years of Gou had he lost? A tugging guilt sat in his stomach as he looked over her, something he couldn’t avoid much longer, especially if whatever irritating circumstances undoubtedly brought her teammates here.
Rin turned toward his roommate momentarily to say, “Nitori, you head back first.”
Ai glanced between the siblings but didn’t say anything else on the matter, thankfully. Rin could not handle a bystander around for the awkward encounter destined to follow. Once the other boy departed, the two siblings ambled in silence over to a bench not far off from the trail to the convenience store.
“It’s not what you’re thinking,” Gou began right after sitting down on the bench beside her older brother, turning to face him.
“It’s not?” Rin’s eyes narrowed. “Haru and the rest of them are here, right?”
“They are, but it’s purely coincidence. We happen to be here for a training camp.”
Why are you even helping them? was what Rin wanted to ask. Part of him struggled with understanding why Gou agreed to manage his old friends – to manage the people he knew in elementary school, rather. Outside of watching Rin compete, Gou never took any sort of interest in swimming. Gou never even learned how to swim, something that inspired heavy ambivalence in him.
“Training camp?” The elder sibling’s expression finally softened into a look of mild confusion. “But we’re using the pool. Where are they swimming?”
“The ocean.”
A flash of a beach where a young boy with green eyes stood, hands trembling, staring off into blue waves. A memory of that same boy in the courtyard beside their school, still trembling as he described a nightmare, eyes fixated on the painted bricks below the cherry blossom tree. An image of Rin reaching out, wanting the hands to stop shaking for just a second, feeling how cold the boy’s fingers were.
“Makoto’s okay with that?”
“Huh?”
Rin shared the look of surprise his sister gives him, just as shocked that those words left his lips. He shouldn’t care. It shouldn’t mean anything at this point. Makoto belongs in Haru’s world, an empty place that Rin has absolutely no interest in existing once all of this is over.
“Forget it. Nevermind.” He turned his gaze away, trying to focus on the ground below and melt away the nagging thoughts. “Are they completing their regiment?”
“Well, they only finished half of it today.” Gou laughed softly after she speaks, smiling warmly at her older brother.
“What?”
“Nothing. Sounds like you’re still worried about them.”
Sounds like you’re still worried about him.
“I’m not.”
“But you promised to meet them at prefecturals.”
“I didn’t do it see them.” I could care less about any of them. I only have one goal in mind. “I’m going to beat Haru. That’s all I care about.” Rin stood up unceremoniously, turning his back to Gou and taking a few steps back in the direction of the convenience store before stopping. A fresh tinge of guilt in his stomach kept him from pushing any further. “Gou, where are you staying?”
“Oh, the lodge over there.”
“I’ll walk you back.”
Gou lit up at that moment, rushing over to catch up to her brother.
*
“You mean you’re going to a different country?”
Tears threaten at the green eyes staring into him, but they don’t fall. He becomes quieter after that, saying less to Rin. They swim their relay, and it’s incredible as expected, but Makoto doesn’t look him in the eyes afterward. When they get dressed and walk home for the last time, Makoto and Haru walk alone. Rin almost calls out to them when he catches sight of them leaving, but an invisible cord tugs him back. He didn’t know why. There is no proper good-bye outside of that.
Rin blinks and he’s on the ground at the SC, tears mixing with chlorinated water on the ground below. He can’t get himself to look up at Haru, the victor. He blinks and he’s bundled up in winter gear, hair barely dried as he steps outside. He wanders around town for a while, until his hair freezes and he’s sure he’ll be chastised for going out into the cold with wet hair once he gets home. Round a corner, he catches sight of two familiar faces, instinctively ducking back behind the corner in response. Makoto turns his head after swearing he spots a flash of maroon before returning his gaze and gentle smile to Haru.
He can’t beat Haru at anything. Why did he always feel so jealous of how Makoto smiled at Haru? At how Makoto helped only Haru out of the water? At how Makoto walked home with Haru instead of getting a final good-bye?
He blinks again, and it’s raining. He’s standing on the dock, watching shadow figures solemnly pass him by. Haru walks passed Rin, alone.
Someone’s screaming in the water.
Rin runs to the end of the dock, but the water turns completely black.
With a start, Rin shot upward in his bed. The screaming stopped as soon as he regained consciousness, the world silent apart from the sound of rain starting to fall outside and the quiet snores of his roommate, thankfully unperturbed by Rin waking up. Even with the dream ended, a shaking feeling remained inside of his chest, a black pit growing in his stomach. He never was one prone for nightmares, especially not since those first few months after his father died. He turned his head towards the window, the faint sound of thundering in the distance. The ocean appeared calm for now, but with a storm comes chaotic waves. For a moment, he thought he saw the speck of a person out in the black water, but a blink of his eye was enough to lose track of the figure. Probably an animal or a piece of driftwood. Nobody would go swimming this late at night.
He tried to rest back down, to close his eyes and regain unconsciousness, but a few minutes passed by with no progress. Rin’s entire body felt restless, needing to move to get out the bizarre anxiety in his chest.
Going outside would be a bad idea with the rain growing stronger with each passing minute, but Rin knew he wouldn’t be out for long. He just needed a little bit of fresh air, to move around a bit until his mind quieted again. Trying his best to maintain silence, he rummaged through his belongings to find a hooded jacket, anything to help prevent the rain from drenching him. He left with only his room key and a band to tie back his hair. Rin wouldn’t be gone long anyway; he silently promised himself to return before Nitori woke up.
At first, the rain really didn’t bother him much as he walked along the trail that led towards the beach. Drops plopped onto his head and shoulders without disturbing him much, allowing him to just focus on the sensation and the cool air rolling off the ocean. The sound of thunder remained distant, even as the rain grew more aggressive and the waves followed suit: their once gentle ripples broke out into angry currents, smashing against the shoreline as Rin approached one of the shorter cliffs to peer out at the deep.
The weather is getting bad quick. I really should head back before I end up getting soaked. In spite of his thoughts, Rin stayed in the same spot, mesmerized by the fury of the ocean. Water, an amazing paradox of nature, that’s necessary to create and maintain life but that can take it away just as easily. Drowning must be one of the most ironic ways to die.
The only thing more ironic than drowning was a swimmer drowning.
Too dark of a thought. Rin tried to shake it from his mind as he began to step back away from the cliff’s edge, to head back to the shelter of the lodge. Before he managed to take a full step back, a shout from below grabbed his attention. He couldn’t make out what the voice shouted out, but the voice itself sounded eerily familiar.
Rin thought back to the screaming in his dream as he advanced to the very edge of the cliff, peering into the murky, thrashing water below.
It couldn’t be. There’s no way it could be.
It was hard to clearly make out any shapes in the water below with the tides growing more erratic and the veil of rain obscuring his vision. He spotted what looked almost like two heads in the distance for a brief second, a blur of yellow and blue that disappeared as soon as he caught sight of it, too far off to be seen as anything other than smudges against dark waters. The pounding in his chest intensified as he heard a shout again, barely loud enough to be heard past the thunder and the waves, a garbled noise without any real words behind it. Rin snapped his attention in the direction of the cry, a figure closer to the shoreline but with tides tugging them further from safety as only arms could be seen flailing in the water briefly before going still. The person’s head popped up for only a brief moment, just long enough to catch their face: olive brown haired sticking to the forehead and cheeks, eyes drooping shut as more water invades their mouth.
With his mind gone blank, Rin’s body moved without any direction. He stripped off the jacket from his arms along with his shirt and shoes as hastily as possible. The cliff where he stood wasn’t tall enough that he couldn’t dive down – maybe about eight or nine meters down to the water’s surface. Sure, Rin never did much high diving, but that could be that far off from the higher platforms he had seen people dive from at the larger pools in Sydney. No time could be spared to overthink it – Rin moved on autopilot, letting his feet guide him down to the water and spear through its surface.
*
Makoto couldn’t see Rei anymore.
When he first dove in, the water had been clear enough to make out where his teammate struggled to stay afloat. The underclassmen hadn’t seemed so far away from the beach, but the more that Makoto tried to swim closer, the further away Rei appeared. At first, fear motivated him in the water, determined to save his teammate from the worsening tides. A one-track mind focused on the blue hair peaking out each time his head bobbed above water. However, the further out Makoto swam, the murkier his vision became, the weaker his limbs, the more the light of heroism dwindled and became replaced by shadowed images of faceless men falling into the deep. For a split second, a series of images flashed behind his eyes: goldfish circling in a bag, a wrinkled smile, a capsized boat, an old man sinking underwater, an old man’s whose face contorts into a younger face framed with blue hair, a blue-haired boy whose face distorts itself into Makoto’s.
His whole body froze before an especially daunting wave crashed over his head. Saline water filled his mouth and stung at his eyes as he tried desperately to look again for his friend. As soon as Makoto regained control of his body, instincts sent his limbs thrashing about, trying to resurface but only finding himself pulled down deeper, as if the ocean floor itself sent out invisible tendrils to drag him down to the bottom.
Lightning flashed through the sky, the only light to be found on the fleeting moments that Makoto popped his head above water for a breath that sent just as much water as oxygen into his lungs. Tearing his way up became harder and harder, impart by the aggression of the ocean and the soreness leftover from the day of practice.
If only he were stronger. If only he were able to swim faster, further, like Haru or Rin.
Makoto’s eyes drooped shut just as a voice shouted his name, muffled by the water as he sunk down. In the last moments before he passed out, his oxygen-depleted brain mused on the thought of how ironic it would be for a swimmer to drown.
“Ma… oto…”
The next thing Makoto became aware of were shouts right by his ears, louder than the thunder or the rain. They grew closer and more intense just before something grabs at his arms, tugging him onto something warm. The slapping of ocean water onto his face decreased as whatever warm thing beside him tugged him insistently in a new direction. Makoto almost opened his eyes before a fresh wave splashed over his face and sent more water up his nostrils. The world faded once again.
*
Rin didn’t know where exactly he landed with the limp body in tow, but he knew for certain it wasn’t the island where they’d been staying. All he saw beyond the beach were trees and a lighthouse. Seeking shelter was secondary, though, as he finally reached sand that he could touch his feet down on. The person on his back remained cold and stiff, dead weight that Rin struggled to secure onto his back as he managed to walk through the last stretch of water. Luckily, Rin only needed to travel a few steps away from the shoreline before he could lower Makoto down as carefully as possible, hand on the back of his head to do what he could not to concuss him or something.
“Makoto. Makoto, wake up,” Rin tried to call out, shaking at the unconscious boy’s shoulders.
He looked so pale and lifeless as the rain falling onto his face grew weaker. Pale like a ghost.
Rin swallowed, trembling hands reaching down to check for a pulse. At first, his spine went frigid when he couldn’t find any sensation of the beating, but after enough prodding around he finally felt it.
Fuck, what were the first steps again? Breathing. Check for breathing.
Rin couldn’t stop the shaking in his hands as he watched Makoto’s chest. No movement. He lowered his head down to place his ear just above his mouth. No breathing, but some strangled sounds, faint but present. Like he was suffocating.
Because he was.
Why the hell were you out there alone? Why would you go swimming in a storm like that?
He thought back to the elementary-aged boy, eyes looking distant as he sat underneath the cherry blossom tree the night after a particularly bad storm. In that moment, Rin wanted to do anything to get rid of that look. He’d remembered watching his mother and Gou together one of the first times the three of them visited the family grave after his father died. How his mother reached for Gou’s hand when his sister started to cry. Under the blooming flowers, he reached over to grab for Makoto’s hand.
What comes next? I can’t just blow into his mouth. Right, open the airway…
Rin tilted Makoto’s head back, raising his chin. With one hand he reached up to pinch Makoto’s nose. Breathing in deeply, he placed his mouth on top of the other’s, blowing the air into the nonresponsive mouth. Just before he managed to repeat the shared breath, a cough of water sprayed up onto his lips.
“Motherfuck – “ Rin fruitlessly tried to wipe away the secondhand ocean water from his face before he spotted green eyes start to weakly blink open. “Makoto!”
The other could barely focus his vision, eyes wandering around before stopping on Rin’s face. Makoto opened his mouth as if to speak, but another fit of wet coughing sent him to turn his head to the side, water forcing its way out of his mouth onto the already drenched sand. Once the majority of the water finished propelling itself from his lungs, Makoto tried to prop himself up with shaking arms before Rin wrapped his arms around him to hold him up.
“Hey, careful, don’t move too – “
“Rin?” Makoto’s face stood so close to his now, causing Rin to become the one unable to breathe. As Makoto came to more, his eyes widened before he attempted to break out of Rin’s grasp and stand up. “Rei – he’s – we have to – “
“No!” Rin tightened his grip on Makoto, keeping him seated in the sand. The thought of after seeing Makoto looking so lifeless, for him to just go back into the ocean like an idiot, it all sent his heart racing. “Are you crazy? You almost killed yourself the first time.”
What would have happened if Rin hadn’t been there to see him in the water? Rin’s heart punched at the walls of his ribcage as his mind wandered. If Rin didn’t go outside, if he didn’t stop by the cliff, if he ignored the discomfort, if he ignored Makoto again… Sharp guilt stabbed through his stomach at the realization that Makoto almost died and the last time he and Rin were in the same room together, he didn’t even spare a single glance towards his once friend. He didn’t even bother responding to the texts or voicemail he’d received from Makoto since that night, pleading attempts at rekindling a friendship that Rin was eager to shut out.
He had no right to Makoto, though. Not then or ever.
At this moment, he definitely had no right to Makoto. How could he deserve any attention after his years of bitterness and avoidance from the boy who was about to dive back in to play lifeguard after drowning?
Makoto shook his head, even as he stopped struggling in the tight hold. “We have to get help… Rei could be…”
Rin thought back to those moments before he caught sight of Makoto. The smudges of yellow and blue. “I’m sure he’s okay. I think there was someone else in the water with him. Besides, there’s no way either of us should go into the water until the storm clears. And you’re still fucking freezing, so we need to get you somewhere safe before you catch hypothermia.”
Makoto didn’t protest much after that, though he stayed fixated on the menacing waves in the distance for a long beat. When he turned back to Rin, his eyes widened once more before he averted his gaze, no longer looking at him directly. “I’m sorry. Thank you for helping me. I can take care of myself until the morning.”
“Take care of yourself?” Rin grimaced. “One, absolutely not. Two, where the hell else am I supposed to go?”
“Ah, right. Sorry.” He glanced at the redhead sheepishly before squirming out of his arms. “I should be able to walk, at least. You don’t have to hold me up.” There was no irritation or malice to be found in his tone, only apologetic apprehension.
With a stiff nod, Rin let go of him. He hesitated as Makoto cautiously got up onto his feet, a tremor in his legs like a baby deer taking its first steps. “Makoto, I…” I’m sorry. I’m an asshole. I should have never raced Haru. I should have never left Iwatobi. I should have stayed in Australia. I should have left you all alone. I should have never let go of your hand. “I see a lighthouse off in that direction. They probably have a rest house where we can get dry and stay ‘til morning.”
“Sounds good.”
The journey up the hill towards the rest house passed by with incredible tension. Rin consumed himself in the dual anxiety of trying to think of what the hell to say while also trying not to seem weird while constantly looking over at Makoto, terrified he may collapse at any moment. His once friend still looked so pale, even as he managed to walk on his own, arms wrapped around himself in a futile attempt at staying warm in nothing but his soaked swim trunks. Rin wished he had anything to offer for warmth, but the only clothes he sported were the thin shirt and shorts that he dove in with after abandoning his jacket.
Once they made it to the rest house, Rin saw Makoto’s shoulders stiffen as he peered inside. The building looked abandoned, completely dark with little to show that anyone had been there in months. Makoto’s hand began to tremble, but Rin forced himself to look away, instead reaching for the door, thankfully unlocked. “There’s probably some flashlights or something in there we can find.”
“Y-yeah. Sure.”
The building appeared far darker on the outside than inside, with Rin’s eyes adjusting quickly to the shadows and being guided around enough by the moonlight sinking in through the windows. Makoto hung back a few steps from his old teammate while Rin dug through in search of anything useful. The first ten minutes of scavenging around mostly empty cabinets and drawers passed by in silence before Makoto spoke.
“How did you know I was out there?”
Rin paused, pushing down on thoughts of the strange dream that woke him up. “I couldn’t sleep, so I went for a walk. Just saw something in the water, I guess.”
As Rin peeked backward at him, Makoto gave a small nod with his focus on the ground. “I’m really lucky then. I don’t remember if I said it before but thank you for getting me.”
Something about the way Makoto spoke – the pathetic tone to his voice, the way he made himself look so small with his shoulders drooping – sparked a flash of anger in Rin’s chest. The search for a flashlight forgotten, he took a step close to the other boy. “You say that like I don’t – like, shit, I wouldn’t have just left you out there. I wouldn’t have left anybody like that, let alone – “
He cut himself off, but not early enough to prevent Makoto from going still, eyes wide once more as he looked up at Rin. Their eyes met, truly making real contact, for the first time since elementary school.
There were so many ways that Rin felt jealous of Haru throughout the years. It was easy to point to swimming, just because it was a clear area where Haru came out on top. Even with Haru giving off more of an apathetic attitude towards competing, he shined at the sport that was so deeply personal to Rin. Everyone’s eyes flocked to him. Haru never seemed to have to try very hard to make friends with all the personalities that would surround him, where Rin spent years in Australia trying to figure out why it was so hard to connect with other students even as he got better at English. Everything came easy to Haru. Not even Rin’s recent victory in their race felt like enough – not when he knew that Haru hadn’t been competing for years where he spent so much time and energy dedicated to training and improvement.
Deep down, underneath it all, Rin always felt jealous of whatever Haru had with Makoto. He couldn’t understand it much for a while – Makoto and Haru were best friends. Rin had a best friend in Sousuke, even when they were oceans apart he had at least one person he stayed close with. There wasn’t anything that happened between Haru and Makoto that Rin couldn’t get elsewhere, but Rin would find himself wishing Makoto stood around his locker after getting changed, that Makoto offered him food from the bento his mother prepared, that Makoto waited to leave for him so that they could walk home together. Rin left for Australia not understanding why it hurt so deeply seeing Makoto’s reaction to him moving more so than his other friends. It wasn’t until the second year of middle school, after he’d already lost to Haru, that Rin saw two of his classmates exchanging notes during class and holding hands when the teacher wasn’t looking that something dreadful clicked.
It never mattered in the end because Makoto was another thing that Haru won. Even in the incredibly likely chance that nothing romantic ever happened there, Makoto was Haru’s best friend first. He was Haru’s before Rin came and he was Haru’s after he left.
Looking closer at him, Rin could see that Makoto wasn’t completely still. His shoulders and arms shuddered, just barely noticeable but definitely there.
“You’re shivering.”
“It’s a little cold in here. It’s okay. Walking around helps.”
Was Makoto this meek before?
“Screw the flashlight. I’m gonna look for something to cover you.”
The other gave no protest as Rin stomped off, focusing on his new task at hand to distract from any more dangerous thoughts or conversations. Makoto continued to follow at a safe distance – nervous eyes darting around at the shadows around them but treating Rin like he had a two-meter bubble around him at any given time. He couldn’t imagine what would be worse: Makoto getting close enough to him to set all his nerves ablaze or Makoto avoiding him like the plague.
Determination through distraction warranted great results for Rin, as it often had. Rummaging deep through the kitchenette produced a clean-looking pot and a few stray disposable coffee cups. There was no tea or coffee to flavor the water, but the mostly safe-looking water coming out of old pipes was able to be boiled on the stove to at least give a drink that could warm them up. Rin passed up on the sketchy looking canned food, figuring there would be no good way to consume pineapples and mackerel here or ever. As the water heated up, he discovered a well-stocked closet full of first aid supplies. While most of it would be useless at this point (Rin doubted Makoto had any big cuts to disinfect and bandage), the closet did hold a thin blanket that would be big enough to cover Makoto completely and then some.
Handing one of the cups and the blanket over to his companion, Rin searched for the room with the most moonlight and the least amount of spiderwebs. He settled for a room with windows covering two parallel walls, nothing much inside but a meager table that he advanced towards, confident at this point that Makoto would continue playing baby duck and follow him there. Sure enough, he did, but with the blanket still in his arms rather than around them.
With a frustrated sigh, Rin snatched the blanket from his hold. Before Makoto could even react, he unfolded it as he stepped behind Makoto, placing it on his shoulders. “It won’t do you any good if you’re not wearing it.”
“But there’s only one. What about you?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m warm blooded, and I didn’t almost die.”
“Right. Sorry.”
An awkward moment emerged between them as each sat on opposite sides of the table, Makoto staring down at the cup in his hands while Rin stared down Makoto.
“You shouldn’t have gone out alone,” Rin stated flatly once he gathered his thoughts enough to break the silence. “That was dangerous.”
“I know.”
“What would have happened if I didn’t just happen to be there?”
“I don’t know.”
“Like, hell, what were you even thinking? You, the person most afraid of the ocean.”
“Yeah.”
Grimacing, Rin scanned over Makoto’s timid expression. “Are you just going to not say much about this? Do you not even care about what happened?”
“I said I was sorry before. I’m not sure what you want me to say.”
“God, it’s not like I want a damn apology, Makoto, I…” He trailed off as he realized he wasn’t so sure himself what he wanted at this moment. Maybe some push back? Maybe some acknowledgement of how scary it was to see him limp and choking on sea water? No, neither of those felt right.
“I wasn’t thinking, I know. I just got scared for Rei.”
Rin balled his hands into tight fists on his lap. “Yeah, you weren’t thinking. What do you think that would have done to everyone if you ended up… you know? What you would have done to your family? To Haru and Nagisa and Gou and me?”
His final word hung in the air like fruit barely hanging onto its tree. Makoto’s expression turned indecipherable, his mouth hanging slightly open as he remained focused on the steam floating up from his cup. “I’m… sorry that I worried you, Rin.”
At the quiet way that Makoto said his name, something inside snapped. The burning anger boiling in his stomach made its way upward, losing its aggression as his cheeks and eyes took on the heat. Since coming back to Japan, he tried his damnedest to suppress this weak side of himself, but the floodgates broke open finally as tears streaked down his cheeks. The guilt and the anger melded together into an overwhelming sadness as he took in the sight of his friend.
“I’m sorry, Makoto. I was such an ass, I – you could have died, and I’ve spent the past few weeks just being such a dick to you – to everyone, but especially to you. I don’t have any excuse for it, I just… I came back and… I felt so angry with everyone, with Haru and my sister and myself and I couldn’t bring myself to…”
“I talked with Coach Sasabe,” Makoto added cautiously, “I saw him outside the old swim club. He told me about when you raced Haru. I… I get it.”
“You do?”
“I mean, you see me as his friend. It makes sense you wouldn’t want much to do with me after all of that, I guess –”
“I don’t see you as his friend,” Rin cut in, “I mean, it’s not like I see you just as that. It’s more – I – “
“It’s more what?”
Rin’s throat went dry as he tried to piece together the swirling thoughts in his head. Of course, Makoto was Haru’s friend first – it has always been such a fragile point for Rin, but is this not the reverse? Makoto must see himself first as being allegiant to Haru, right? After all, he stopped swimming with Haru did.
At that moment, though, Makoto wasn’t looking at Haru. He watched Rin with a look of mixed fear and care, truly wanting to understand Rin’s outburst.
“You’re important to me. Beyond who you are to whoever else, you’re important to me.” Rin closed his eyes, wiping at the annoying tears on his face. “I just figured you’d always just be on his side. Why wouldn’t you be? I’m just some kid you swam with a few times.”
“That’s not true.” Makoto spoke louder than before, a stronger conviction in his voice. “Haru is my friend, and you – I care about you, too, Rin. There both true. I didn’t – I would never see you as any kind of opponent or enemy. I wanted to start the swim club so that I could – so that we all could swim together again.” When Rin didn’t respond, he narrowed his eyes, catching sight of something he hadn’t before. “You’re shivering.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re cold. You need the blanket, too.”
“It’s really fine. Keep the blanket.”
In spite of his protest, Makoto placed his cup on the table and stood up. Rin braced himself to refuse the blanket, expecting the other to drape it over his shoulders the same way he had earlier. The plan crumbled, however, when Makoto sat down beside him, maneuvering the blanket to cover both of their shoulders.
If the floodgates broke before, this action buried Rin’s entire city underwater. A choked sob ripped through his chest as a fresh wave of tears poured down his cheeks, falling as fast as the rain outside the window. His head collapsed down onto Makoto’s warm shoulder, so much warmer than how his body felt before.
“I was – I was so scared when I saw you out there. When – when you were just… just like that, not breathing or nothing, I thought I’d lose you, really lose you this time, after I tried to ignore you and – and –” Rin was cut off as something warm dropped onto his forehead. When he looked up, he saw a few stray tears escaping green eyes. “Makoto…” His own sorrow became secondary as he lifted his head back up. Cautious fingers reached out to wipe away the tears in Makoto’s eyes.
“I really thought you didn’t care about me anymore.”
Maybe Rin swallowed too much sea water when rescuing Makoto. Maybe the rush of adrenaline screwed up his thought process. Maybe the chaotic emotions battling through his mind distorted his decision-making. Regardless of the why, Rin leaned forward to press his lips against Makoto’s.
The boy froze at first, but before Rin had the time to register and pull back, Makoto began to kiss him as well.
Makoto thought back to standing under the cherry blossom tree. When Rin grabbed his hand there, he wanted to do more. Every once in a while, even well into middle school when Rin and swimming became things he used to know, Makoto would wonder how things might have been different if he had kissed Rin before he left.
Not much else was said after that. Makoto curled up against Rin, exchanging warmth until the two ended up laying down on the floor at some point and falling asleep tangled together. When they swam back the next morning, they were met by the wide eyes of the rest of the Iwatobi team. Rin averted his gaze from Haru and Nagisa, sharing only a few words about what happened and sheepishly stating he was glad Rei was okay. Despite his guarded behavior, Makoto finally received a response text from Rin once he returned to his own team.
please be safe today. ill talk to you later