Chapter Text
“Alright class,” Dovey began lightly, used to her Everlets quieting immediately and turning their sunny faces to the front of the room. Unfortunately for her, the Nevers had no such response and kept chatting and jeering amongst themselves. Lady Lesso clapped her hands together once, and a wave of freezing air blasted through the desks, getting all the students’ attention. Dovey glared at her. Lesso met her stare with a face of pure innocence and gestured for her to continue.
“We are gathered here today to learn the time-honored knowledge of foundational physiology and responsible procreative practice.”
Fifty student faces, a mix from both schools, stared at her blankly. Lesso sighed and shifted her weight, jutting out her hip so she had somewhere to put her hand.
“What the Princess means to say,” she translated flatly, “is that you have to learn about sex.”
A murmur ran through the students as some fought to keep from laughing, some bit their lip in nervousness, and some looked more smug than they had any right to be.
“Now,” Dovey continued, “I know you were expecting your regular health professor, but the Storian has called her away on urgent business, so we will be taking her place until she returns.”
Lesso took over.
“In other words, Emma is a conniving b—“ Dovey turned sharply to her. “Beauty teacher,” Lesso continued, overemphasizing the B to her Nevers’ delight, “who ditched us because she forgot which school she teaches in.”
“Lady Lesso,” Dovey addressed her counterpart with seemingly depthless patience, though Lesso could see the tension in her eyes, “if you have more important villainy to attend to, I’m sure we can manage.” Lesso absolutely had far more interesting matters on her plate and walked to the door, but as she passed, she saw her students’ eyes widen at the thought of being alone amongst so much pink saccharine sickness and relented. She sighed audibly.
“Don’t worry, I won’t leave you,” Lesso addressed them and took a seat at an empty desk in the back.
“Very well then,” Dovey sighed. “Let’s begin.”
—
Lesso examined her nails as an incredibly floral diagram took shape on the chalk board. Ugh, such a nauseating metaphor. She was positive she’d never seen a flower that resembled human anatomy so closely. That she would have remembered, since that one time she found those leaves that looked so much like kidneys and brewed up a fantastic poison for—
“Which is actually separate from the vagina, so there are in fact three orifices in this anatomy.”
Dovey’s voice distracted her from her reverie. “Orifices,” she whispered to herself, making a face. Some of the students around her heard and attempted to stifle their laughter.
“Something you’d like to add, Lady Lesso?”
“Well, if you’re calling on me, I actually do have this curse that can rip someone a new one such that there would be four—“
“NO, thank you,” Dovey all but shouted. “As I was saying…”
Lady Lesso tuned her back out. She used the tip of her fingernail to carve her initials into the wooden desktop. They didn’t teach sex ed back when she was a student. It was every student for their self, begging upperclass students, finding the dirty pages in musty books, pretending to be asleep while their older roommate had an affair in the adjacent bed and enjoying the way it felt to press their legs together while hushed but feral sounds emanated from a few feet away… okay, that last one might have just been her. She observed her Nevers’ faces. They looked equal parts confused and bored. The Evers hung on to their Dean’s every florid word.
“And thus the male organ becomes tumescent in preparation for coitus,” Dovey said.
The Never in front of Lesso turned to their friend and mouthed “what?” The friend wrinkled their nose and shrugged. Lesso leaned forward.
“The dick gets hard,” she muttered.
“Ahhh,” both of her students murmured simultaneously. “Thanks,” the first one whispered.
“Lesso, what?” Dovey snapped abruptly.
“I was just translating your excessive euphemisms for the students so they can have a chance at understanding what’s going on.” She rose and addressed the room. “Students, it is called a penis. If you can’t say it, you shouldn’t be having sex with one.”
“Lesso—“
“Lady Lesso.”
“Lady Lesso,” Dovey enunciated through her teeth, “May I speak with you outside for a moment?”
Lesso stood up and left the room, but not before throwing a wink over her shoulder at the black-clad students. Dovey stiffly followed her out.
“As much as your reputation demands undermining me at every chance you get,” Dovey hissed as soon as the classroom door was closed, “I know you know this is an important lesson. So, can you pull yourself together and help me educate these teenagers on how not to hurt themselves or each other?”
“I don’t mind if they hurt each other consensually,” Lesso corrected. “But I don’t understand why we can’t just wait for the enemy — I mean, Anemone — to get back and let her get on with it.”
“Because the Ball is next week, and we both know they all have an idea of what’s supposed to happen after, whether they’re realistic or delusional.”
Lesso grimaced.
“Touche.”
“Are you ready to go back in there and act like an adult so we can get this over with?”
“Is that what you said to your prince at the end of your first ball?”
Dovey had never been so close to slapping someone, and Lesso liked the look in her eyes, but she realized she’d found the line. “Alright, alright, Princess,” Lesso held her hands up in mock surrender, “I’m coming.”
“Now that’s closer to the end of my first ball,” Dovey muttered and swung the door open, pushing a surprised Lesso in first.
——
“Ok, future disappointments of princes, lesson two:” Lesso punctuated each word with a clap, “No. One. Should. Bleed.” Dovey nodded vehemently in agreement, then paused.
“Don’t be biased against the Good princes, Lesso, address everyone in the room.”
Lesso shook her head.
“My Nevers already know never to draw blood unless they ask first, right?”A group of heads nodded vehemently.
“Right, then. Princes, someone may have gotten it through your thick skulls that bleeding on the first time is supposed to happen or your dear partner isn’t as lily white as you thought. This is a lie. It means you’re absolutely inept at helping your partner be comfortable and you should leave and rethink all of your life decisions that led you to that point.”
Dovey put her palm to her face.
“Perhaps some more concrete advice?” She groaned through her fingers as Lesso launched off on a graphic description of foreplay and the various fluids that could be involved. She expected her Evers to be traumatized, but some of them looked, dare she say, interested?
“And if you don’t make enough of your own lube, store-bought is fine,” Lesso finished, emphasizing the end of her lesson with a nod. Her piercing eyes found Dovey’s. “Concrete enough for you?”
“Yes, very… adequate.”
“Mm. What next?”
“Maybe we should pause for some questions.”
An Evergirl shyly raised a silk-gloved hand. Dovey nodded at her encouragingly.
“Professor,” she addressed Dovey instead of Lesso, “what’s the best way to make this work if you don’t really want to do it? Will lubricant work for that?”
Lesso looked aghast at the girl and answered on behalf of her counterpart.
“If you don’t want to, you say no. And you follow that up with grievous bodily harm if your partner doesn’t back off. Why in the world would you ask such a question?”
“Well, Lady Lesso,” she almost whispered, looking to her Dean of Good for help, “when one needs an heir…”
“Dovey, what the hell are you teaching them?” Lesso shot accusingly.
“I didn’t-“
“Nobody gets to tell you what to do with your body,” Lesso addressed the Evergirl straight on, “not princes, not princesses, not advisors, not courts, not anybody.” The girl looked unconvinced.
“She’s right,” Dovey added. Lesso filed the sound of her voice saying those words away for later. “I know there is immense pressure put on you.” Many of the Evergirls nodded in agreement. “But you are, as Lady Lesso would say, the boss bitch of your own body.”
Even Lesso had to smile at that.
“Everyone understood?” The redhead called out.
A chorus of “Yes, ma’ams” and “Yes, sir’s” arose from the students.
“Excellent,” she said rubbing her hands together, “let’s talk about consent.”
——
As the time neared the end of the class, the students were pelting rapid fire questions at Lady Lesso, who much to Dovey’s relief, had largely taken over the teaching.
“How do you have sex if your partner is much taller than you?”
“Creatively. Next?”
“Is it true that you can’t get pregnant if you do it standing up?”
Lesso cocked her head thoughtfully.
“Depends. If you have a vagina, and your partner has a vagina, then you can safely do it standing up without getting pregnant. Or if neither of you has. Turns out gravity has nothing to do with it. Next.”
“How do two people with vaginas have sex?”
“What an excellent question!” Lesso exclaimed. “Clarissa, would you care to enlighten us?”
All of the blood in Dovey’s small body rushed straight to her face as one hundred eyes around the room widened.
“Wh- why me?” she sputtered. “You’ve been doing so well with the questions; why don’t you go ahead?”
Lesso shrugged.
“Whatever. The answer is: however they want. We’d need another class for that. If you need the salacious details before then, I’ve got some library recommendations for you.”
“Okay, but does that really count as sex?”
“If you read about it?”
“No, if you both have the same parts.”
“Hm,” she said, looking at Dovey and daring her, “does that count as sex?”
Dovey cleared her throat.
“You get to define that for yourself,” she choked out.
One of the Nevergirls raised her hand, accidentally rescuing the Dean for Good.
“If you’re going to use the semen for a potion later, what is the correct way to store it?
Lesso broke out in a wide smile and held her arms out wide to her student.
“Fantastic question! I’m so proud. Once you’ve retrieved it from wherever it went, the important thing to remember is—“
Dovey held up a hand, her face looking a little green.
“I believe that’s time,” she interrupted, waving her hand to dismiss the students. As they fled from their seats she called over the din, “If you have more questions, put them in the box outside the class for next time. We’ll review them then.”
As the last students escaped, Dovey quickly gathered her belongings and made for the door. “Thank you for your help, Lesso. I’ll meet you in my office tomorrow to discuss the questions and prepare for the next class.”
“Help? I basically taught the whole damn— Wait, did you say next class?”
“Bye,” Dovey called sweetly, gliding away as fast as her heels could take her.
“Next class??” Lesso ran to the door and called down the hallway in desperation, but nobody responded. She slumped against the doorpost and watched as Dovey’s gold form shrank to a point then disappeared. She was going to murder Emma. And yes, she justified to herself, she really meant it this time.