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“What were you thinking?!” he yelled.
Róisín gasped. She had seen the Commander angry, had seen that pure rage on his face, when his brows were in a deep frown and his eyes on fire. She had seen it the day they had shared their first kiss on the Battlements, when poor Jim had interrupted. But she had never seen this anger directed at her. Never.
He was behind his desk, leaning forward, hands clutching the edge of the wooden desk. The dark fur made the shadows under his eyes sharper, harder, darker in contrast with his pale skin. He looked like he had not slept in days.
“Cullen, we had to investigate, what else was the point of draining that lake?”
“You were missing for weeks, we had not heard a word from Crestwood and no idea if you made it out. Were you washed away during the draining? Were you torn apart by undead? Devoured by the High Dragon? I wouldn’t know, because I had no intel!”
“Everything was under control. I had Vivienne, Varric and Cassandra with me, we were fine. And we got word out as soon as we could. You’re overreacting…”
“Not good enough, Róisín! Your… rash, snap decisions can’t stand anymore. This is about more than your life, the Inquisition relies on you! You decide for more than just your life.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“You should have scouted the area, then returned to the fortress and informed the forces stationed there of your plan of action! They would have informed me, everything would have been fine. Instead you had to go on this selfish, crazy suicide mission!”
“It wasn’t that bad…”
“Demons, Ros! There were demons and undead running wild in those caves. According to Varric’s report, it was that bad!”
“Yeah well Varric tends to make everything sound more dramatic than it is…” Ros mumbled, rolling her eyes a little.
“Don’t roll your eyes, dammit!” Cullen yelled and slammed a fist on the desk.
Ros jumped in her boots, clutched a hand to her heart.
“Maker, Cullen! I am doing my job! You made me Inquisitor for this very reason. To seal Fade rifts. There was a rift under that lake, I took care of it! If you don’t like what I am doing maybe you should find a better Inquisitor!”
He stared down on the wooden desk, the small well of ink had fallen over and now rolled across the desk, leaving a trail of ink on his papers.
“That… is not the point of what I am saying.”
“Then what is?! Because I am really tired and bad at reading subtext so I would appreciate if you talked sense!”
“The point is that you are careless, that you make rash decisions with no consideration of what you leave behind. The chaos that would ensue if something happened to you.”
“This is who I am. I can’t change that, Cullen. My rash decisions are what got me into this mess in the first place, I would not have this bloody mark if it wasn’t for my rash decisions! My entire identity is making rash, dumb decisions on the fly. I made rash decisions on Therinfall Redoubt, I made the rash decision to bury Haven under an avalanche while I was still in it! This is who I am! Why does this upset you so much?! You knew exactly what you were getting, I have always been upfront with who I am as a person. Why is this suddenly such a problem?!”
“Because I love you!”
Her lips closed abruptly and her eyes widened as he yelled at her, yelled words at her that should not be yelled like this. But that did not make them any less profound. He had looked up and she saw beyond the anger. The anger had been a mask he had hidden behind, a mask he had put on to cover up what he truly felt. But there were cracks now and she could see through him. His eyes were tired, tired of fighting, tired of waiting, tired of worrying. His lower lip was trembling with his breaths. He stepped back from his desk, rubbed his face angrily.
“Cullen…”
“Can’t you see? Can’t you see what you put me through every time you are out there? Don’t you know how worried I am when I don’t hear from you, when I don’t hear reports that you are fine? Don’t you understand how hard it is for me to let you go, over and over, never knowing if you will return? It’s killing me, Ros. It’s killing me because I love you so much…”
She rushed towards him, around the desk, and pulled him into her arms. His face buried at the nape of her neck, she felt him shake in her embrace. His arms wrapped around her, pulled her against him, almost cutting off her air. She felt his lips on the skin of her neck, hungry, burning kisses.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t think…”
His sobs turned into laughter and he looked up, brushed his nose against hers.
“Didn’t think? Didn’t think I love you so much it drives me insane when you’re not there?”
She kissed the corner of his mouth. He turned his head to claim her lips, fierce and desperate. And she brushed her fingers through his hair, soothingly rubbed his temples.
“I’ll be more careful. I promise. And I’ll always let you know where I am,” she whispered as their lips parted, foreheads still touching. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled him into her embrace again. “Because I love you, too.”
He held her tight. They didn’t even really know why they had been yelling at each other in the first place.