Chapter Text
Immediately after the jubilee came to a close, simon waded his way through the crowd to find him. it wasn’t long before they found themselves in the others’ presence, faces only inches apart yet still not close enough. standing in front of simon was the boy who had just basically confessed his love for him in front of the world. simon didn’t think he could focus on anything else right now besides being close to him.
until he noticed wille’s breathing.
his chest was practically heaving, and he was clearly trying his best to breathe through his nose. he bit the inside of his lip. wille didn’t take his eyes off of simon. they were filled with so much love, so much affection, but also a bit of fear. simon wished he didn’t make this observation but there were tears there as well, threatening to spill over at any second.
simon’s heart nearly dropped to the ground.
“wille…” he put a hand on the taller boy’s arm. It was a subtle touch but it seemed to send a shock through both of them despite having shared a bone-crushing hug just an hour before.
before he could respond, they both heard wilhelm’s name from the other side of the courtyard.
“Wilhelm!”
simon assumed it was the queen.
then another voice, this time deeper. “Your Highness!”
that’s when everything turned to chaos. it seemed like all at once, people were calling out wilhelm’s name, cameras were flashing, and it all became too much for simon. he couldn’t even imagine how wille felt about it.
wille didn’t even give as much attention as to even look in their direction. instead, his eyes screwed shut and he shook his head, “simon. I can’t–I can’t… can we–?”
“your room?”
before simon had even gotten a sure answer, he took wille’s hand in his and they pushed themselves through the crowd and away from the mess wille had just left.
~~~
simon wasted no time in getting wille to safety, to the privacy of his room. he made sure the door was locked behind them; he just wasn’t sure who could try to invade wille’s space at any given moment.
when he turned towards wille, his eyes were unfocused and glassy. simon wanted to hug him so badly. he wanted to bring him into his arms and never let him go, to run his hands through his hair and tell him that it’s okay. that he’s brave, and that he loves him.
so, he took a hesitant step forward towards the scared boy in front of him.
but before he could properly wrap his arms around him, wille’s breathing hitched. “wait, i’m–” simon froze. wille’s hand clamped over his mouth as he rushed forward, leaning over the sink on the corner of the room and throwing up. his knuckles were white as he gripped the porcelain and retched.
simon couldn’t exactly say he expected it. it wasn’t like this was uncommon…what else would he expect from a prince who had just come out to the entire world? he just didn’t know wille would react like this. but nevertheless, he made his way by wille’s side and ran a hand over his back, gently rubbing circles there. he wanted, no, needed to be there for him. to provide some kind of comfort, even if it felt like wille wasn’t truly mentally there all the way.
wille spat into the sink one last time and immediately grabbed his toothbrush. his breathing didn’t show any signs of regulating as he brushed his teeth, and simon just continued to stroke his back, his arms, his shoulders, anywhere he could reach. “It’s okay, wille,” he whispered.
when wille was done he threw off his uniform jacket, kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed, and that’s when a new level of emotions seemed to hit him. simon could see it on his face, deep within his expression, that the anxiety was killing him. and simon felt his heart break a little bit when wille brought two hands up to cover his face, finally letting the tears fall unfiltered.
“oh, wille…” he knelt in front of him, taking the boy’s hands in his no matter how much resistance wille gave him. simon knew what this was. he knew wille was trying to hide himself, and he knew he was going to try to curl up into himself and try his hardest to hide from simon, maybe because he was embarrassed or scared. but simon wouldn’t let him. Instead, he laced his hand through wille’s trembling fingers and held them to the middle of wille’s chest. “feel my hand there.”
“I can’t–i can’t breathe, simon, i–”
“yes you can. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
“ nej, i can’t–”
“wille. you can. come on, breathe with me, baby.”
both of their breaths hitched at that last word, it having been the first time either of them used it. he might have been crazy but simon swears he saw wille’s face light up a bit.
It wasn’t perfect, but wille nodded and started taking deep inhales through his nose, still failing to keep a consistent rhythm. the heavy breaths stuttered and got caught in his throat, but it was a start. simon nodded his head and whispered small affirmations to wille. telling him things like ‘good,’ and ‘that’s it.’ he doesn’t think he’s ever seen this side of wille, at least not in full force. he didn’t realize before now that maybe this was something wille struggled with…panic attacks. simon wasn’t new to the topic of anxiety, but he never would have guessed…
“wille.” simon gripped his hand tighter when his breathing finally began to even out. “wille, look at me.”
he did. and when he met simon’s eyes with his, they were so fucking broken, and simon sighed thickly. just looking into his dark brown eyes seemed to transfer the emotions over, and suddenly simon’s chest felt so heavy.
before simon could speak, the words began to spill out of wille like a waterfall, and he blurted out, “i’m so sorry, i’m sorry, i didn’t know–i wasn’t going to—i wanted to talk to you about it first but everything just went by so fast and i didn’t even realize until–”
simon shook his head faster than wilhelm could finish his thought. “no, wille. you have nothing to be sorry for.”
he closed his mouth and a silent tear fell down his cheek, and just as it did, simon reached up and dried it with his thumb. “you just did such a hard thing, something i never could have asked you to do. nobody did, but you did it anyways. you are so fucking brave, wille. please don’t ever apologize for that.”
wille swallowed hard and closed his eyes, letting out a small hesitant “okej.”
they stayed like that for a moment, simon’s hands never settling on a certain part of wille’s body but still offering gentle comfort. after some time passed wille brought one of the smaller boy’s hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles, sending warmth through simon’s entire body while doing so. his lips upturned at that and he gave wille a small smile.
“are you tired?”
wille thought for a moment, but then sighed and nodded his head.
“do you want to sleep?”
“yeah, just…please, don’t…i don’t want you to leave.”
he shook his head instantly and said, “nej, i’m staying,” because he couldn’t even imagine leaving wille at this point in time. he wanted to rest there, in the comfort of his room, with him, forever. lock himself in there with no one except wille and create a home in each other’s embrace. he knew it just wasn’t possible, that both of them had responsibilities, and he’s sure wille had things to do. but just for now. just for a little while. after all that they’ve been through, and in such a short amount of time, the rest of the world could wait. these two boys could have a few hours alone together.
simon rose to his feet and caressed wille’s hair, just behind his ear, and he knows just how ridiculous it sounds but he never wanted to stop touching him. He wanted to have some kind of physical contact with him at all times. maybe to make up for all the distanced weeks they spent apart. maybe just the fact that even when they were together, they had to keep any physical touch to a minimum, and it was almost unbearable. maybe because of his realization of how much love for this boy he held in his heart.
“are there clothes you want to change into?”
wille gave a mumbled response and pointed to the closet at the end of the bed, and simon pulled out a pair of grey sweatpants along with a white hoodie. before he closed the closet, though, his eyes landed on a bright blue sweater that he recognized too well. he stared at it for a split second, the memories from last semester coming flooding into his head, the memories from that golden morning after they…
he wondered to himself if wille had washed it since then, and if not, maybe it still smelled like him.
simon turned back to wille and held up the sweater. “can i wear this?”
his eyes drifted between the curly-haired boy and the sweater in his hands before he smiled a bit and nodded.
then simon made his way to stand in between wille’s legs, lightly tugging at the buttons on his dress shirt. “here, let me…” he slowly undid the buttons and wille watched him with a soft, serene expression. it was that look, the one that simon had been trying his damn hardest to ignore this entire semester. he couldn’t easily describe it but he knew it perfectly. the way wilhelm’s eyes softened, and his cheeks slightly reddened, and the corners of his lips turned up into…not exactly a smile, but just a resting state of contentment. the first time simon saw it was outside that party, while wille had went on a rant about how much he enjoyed simon’s singing. when he saw it, simon distinctly remembered in that moment that he wanted to memorize the look, engrave it in his brain so he could always remember the way it made him feel, because he’d never seen anyone look at him that way. and even now, even after seeing it so many times, it still made his stomach twist into knots.
so, simon ran a finger across wille’s jaw and tilted his chin up, and leaned down and pressed a small, tender kiss to his lips. it was slow and delicate, nothing sexual behind it, just pure love. when he pulled away, wille had tears in his eyes again.
“jag älskar dig.” simon uttered those lovely words for the second time today. and he meant every single one. he then added, “i’m proud of you.”
“ simon—” wille’s words got stuck in his throat, and he was becoming choked up again, but through it all he whispered, “jag älskar dig så mycket.”
I love you so much.
It’s like simon’s heart was put back together again at that moment. hearing those words back from wille. and he knows he’s heard them before, but it was so different now. the way they both said them with such careful adoration, having a sure knowledge that while everything else in their lives was so inconsistent, it was the only thing they knew for sure.
once they were done changing into comfier clothes, wille brought simon to lay with him under the blankets. simon wrapped his arms around him from behind and held his hand to wille’s chest, a gentle reminder to just breathe.
they didn’t speak of anything else. In fact, they practically basked in the silence, because it was the first time either of them felt peace for a long while. nothing could touch them right now, it was just them, and the sounds of their breathing, and the soft kisses simon left on the back of wille’s neck, right below his hair.
they fell asleep like that, together, like they were always meant to be.