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Carina couldn’t take it anymore. She needed to know, and clearly Maya didn’t want to be involved. They could be bringing a child into this world together. That child deserved to have a loving home, with two parents that could be there for them in a way they needed. And right now everything was unstable. Their relationship was rocky. So Carina needed to know as she stormed into the bathroom alone.
The minutes went by at the slowest pace Carina had ever experienced. Her eyes kept darting toward the phone on the bed. She waited for the screen to flash on as the seconds ticked by. Whether she was waiting for the timer to go off or for Maya to show any concern for her wife, she was unsure. As the ring echoed throughout the room, the brunette took a shaky breath. She looked over to the bathroom. The door hanging open, she could see that little plastic stick sitting on the counter. An obnoxious little object that hung the balance of her life in front of her. Something that could destroy her in multiple ways depending on what the fates would say.
She felt cold, scared to go look at what her future held. She didn’t even know what she wanted it to say anymore. Maya’s strong, warm arms had wrapped themselves around her frame every other time before this. She held her up as their world crumbled each and every time it didn’t work.
But there were no arms this time. No warmth. Just distance. She tilted her chin up in defiance, she could do this. Even if she was alone. She squared her shoulders and walked into the bathroom. She took cautious steps toward the sink. She slowly raised the test up as her caramel pools scanned across the tiny little screen.
One line. Negative. Carina had thought she had been through this so many times that the hurt would lessen. That the tears would’ve dried up. But they hadn’t. The clatter of the test against the counter filled the room. Carinas lip wobbled as hot tears sprang to her eyes. She sniffed and tried to hold back her emotions, but it was a fruitless endeavor. She dropped her head down as she began to cry. Unsure of what to do she let herself fall back to old habits.
The cold of the tile stung against the exposed skin. Goosebumps formed as she sat in the shower. The hard surface grounded her.
She sat there and cried, sobs ringing out across the apartment. She wasn’t pregnant, she was so certain that she started to see the signs. They were not bringing a baby into the world. And she hated herself even more for feeling the slightest relief at the fact. There would be no baby to worry about as she tried to deal with her wife. A little tiny life was not growing in her stomach.
There was no comfort. No hugs and kisses. No saying that they could try again because they wanted this so bad. No Maya telling her she just wanted to hold a mini version of Carina in her arms. Maya didn’t even want to hold her let alone a baby.
On the other hand she had a slight hope that if she could present a positive test to her wife than maybe that would help the things around. Maybe that would be the push that her wife needed. The thought of a child relying solely on them to guide them through life, neither of them wanted to make their parents mistakes. But now even that hope was gone.
Carina wasn’t enough. She never had been, to anyone. Maya has convinced her that the blonde was different. That she loved her and she’d choose her, forever. The thought of their vows made her smirk with resentment now. Lies, all lies. Not even her wife would choose her in the end. She gave and gave and gave herself and she was tired. So tired. She loved Maya, she probably always will but she wasn’t sure the sentiment was returned anymore.
Who was she kidding? She wouldn’t be enough for a baby. She couldn’t be the daughter that either of her parents needed. She couldn’t be the sister her fratellino needed. And she clearly couldn’t be the wife her Maya was in need of. She couldn’t be a mother. She’d hurt them. Maybe not in the same way her parents had hurt her. But in someway she’d end up hurting them. And they’d hate her too. And she’d be alone. Again.
So maybe it was for the best. No baby. And no Maya. Her family was non-existent at this point with half of them dead and the remaining one wanting nothing to do with her.
Maya would move on away from her and she only had so much fight left to try to keep the blonde. It was her fault. She pushed too hard. She always pushed everybody too hard.
She remained in the shower the whole night. Maya never came home and Carina didn’t try to call again. She cried and let herself hurt over the loss of a baby that would never come to be. A life that she let herself dream about that would never come to be. A happy image where she wrapped her arms around Maya as she held their baby in her strong arms. A baby with brown curls and her wife’s blue eyes. Soft kisses were shared, whispered ‘I love yous.’
But none of that was going to happen. Maya would never look at her the same way she did. With love. They’d stay this way until both of them shattered from the pain. Carina was unsure she’d ever be able to pick up the pieces of herself this time.
She loved Maya Bishop with everything she had. But her Maya was gone and Carina was starting to believe she wasn’t coming back. Maya felt nothing for her. And the brunette would be left in the same position she’d found herself in her whole life.
Alone.