Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Steve does not believe in ghosts. Or like Steve did not believe in ghosts. After all, standing in Tony Stark’s bedroom in a spirit form is kind of hard to explain. He vaguely even remembers how he gets here, or how he died. His memories are vague and discontinuous. Scenes of Tony falling down from the wormhole and laying on the floor, Tony confronting him when Ultron was created, Tony and him fighting against each other at an airport, all the pieces do not quite fit in place. It’s like something is missing, some key information is missing. Why would Tony actually fight against him? Steve is confused by his own memory. He cannot put together a consistent timeline with his current memories. Nothing seems to fit in place. Steve frowns. He can’t help but pound back to the question of how he died. He tries so hard at remembering that even without a physical body, his head starts to ache.

“Friday, what time is it?”
“It’s 2:37 in the afternoon, sir.”

Tony’s words drag Steve out of his ocean of thoughts. Steve’s attention focuses back on the current situation. He settles his mind for a bit and looks around. Tony’s room is so dark that not even a single ray of sunlight could go through. Steve recognizes this. Not a good sign. He remembers the same darkness when Tony was in his bad form. When he was suffering from PTSD due to the nuclear missile. Cap tries to take a look at Tony, as he hides and cuddles up in a pile of blanket. He reaches out but his hands pass right through the blankets. Cap laughs at himself for forgetting his own death.

In the meantime, Tony struggles to get out of bed. He eventually sits up slowly with his hands on his head. His head feels like it was filled with lead. He can bearly help himself up. Everything is spinning and his body feels so uncontrollable. He wishes he could just lie down and forget about it all. Forget about time, reasons, and everything that happened back in Siberia.

“Fuck.”

Tony swears at the ceiling, laying back down on the bed, covering his face with his arms.

“Language, Tony.”

Steve can’t help saying it even though he knows that Tony could never hear him. Steve sits along the bedside and he just simply stares at Tony. It’s just so good to see a familiar face. He misses those old times when they are fighting, together. He bends down and takes a close look at Tony’s face. He suddenly realizes that Tony looks so emaciated. The lack of donut boxes on the ground but excessive beer bottles and coffee cups makes Steve doubt whether Tony even eats at all. He looks fragile, like he is falling apart, like he is breaking down.

Tony abruptly sits up, passing right through Steve’s soul. For a second, Steve actually feels like he could feel Tony. Steve steps back and sees Tony staring in his direction. Steve turns around to search for what Tony is staring at but he sees nothing and so he looks back right at Tony. Steve somehow thinks that Tony can actually see him. The look in his eyes was so desperate like Steve have seen before. Steve’s head hurts again. He sees Tony with bruises on his face in a snowing place. The scene is blurry and shaky in his head. But he can still see Tony, coinciding with the present. The look guilts him to the deepest part of his heart. Tony’s desperate and disappointed look is even more painful than his induced headache. He does not remember any part of it. Steve frowns and painfully holds his head. He feels like some part of him is desperately trying to peel off the truth while his instinct is strongly suggesting he just leave it.

“Sir, I suggest you get dressed. Mr. Parker is estimated to be arriving in 6 minutes.”

Friday’s voice spreads through the room while controlling the curtain to open up. Strong sunlight passes through and laid on Tony’s body.

“AHHH! FRIDAY! Close the curtain now!”

The sudden bright light makes Tony unable to open his eyes and lifts his hands to create some shades for buffering. The AI assistant obviously ignores his words and stays silent to his complaints.

Tony eventually gets up and walks into the bathroom. He changes up his clothes and tries to fake a smile in the mirror. He tries to look like he’s okay, like Steve’s death isn’t such a big deal. He crosses his finger and hopes that the kiddo would take his simile for it because this is the best that he could do. Steve watches Tony the whole time, including when Tony tries to smile but he was too tired to even fake one and the facial expression ends up being something that is even worse. Steve wishes that he could heal the sadness in his eyes.

“Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark?”
“Stop screaming, kiddo.”
“It’s so nice to see you, Mr. Stark. I brought you donuts if you would like some.”

Peter arrives at the Avengers building faster than Tony expected. Tony walks out of his bedroom to see Peter holding a box of chocolate donuts. He used to love those sweets. The smell and the taste used to make him fall for them and could not even stop eating them. But now, he just wants to throw up when he smells any food.

“Thanks, kid.”

Tony puts up a smile on his face and takes a bite of the donuts. The taste of tequila and coffee still lasts in his mouth. He cannot even taste the donut properly and very much would like to flush everything down the toilet. Tony tries to chew it like he actually enjoys it. He hopes the kid is not focusing on him.

“I thought you were going to be there, Mr. Stark.”

Steve sees Tony freeze on the spot. He could feel the air freeze and he sees that Tony simply stops. Tony swallowed the last bit of the donut. He actually wants to throw up right now. He feels nauseous and cold and his mind is screaming at him to escape back to the darkness he has created.

“There were so many people there but not a single Avenger. Not even Natasha was there. They say that Cap died honorably. He died in Siberia fighting for this country.”
“Oh? So this is what they said? Couldn’t they just-”

Peter obviously does not notice Tony’s abnormal behaviors and he just continued talking about the funeral. Yes, Captain America’s funeral. Tony cannot even imagine what it looks like. He cannot imagine that the government would take advantage of Steve’s funeral to promote the so-called patriotic soldier. How could they? Take advantage of a dead man, a soldier, a hero’s funeral? Tony clenches his fist and wants to swing it at the senator’s face.

“What happened in Siberia? What actually happened to Steve, Mr. Stark? I just can’t help thinking that if I were there, if I were just strong enough, Steve might- Things might have been different.”

Peter’s question strikes Tony like a lightning. He is so furious about the government, the senator, and everything. But he is actually the one to blame, isn’t he? He is the reason, the cause, the murderer of Steve’s death.

Steve is standing there the whole time, listening to their conversation. He starts figuring out that today is supposed to be his own funeral and he died in Siberia. He does not remember going anywhere near that place. And what Tony says somehow indicates that there is more to it than the so-called truth the government provides. Of course, there is always more to it than what the government says. Steve is curious, of course, he is curious about how he died. But the second he sees how Tony’s eyes change from anger to sadness. When he sees that Tony starts shaking in an unnoticeable way, he just wants to forget about the truth and facts. Steve wants to hold Tony’s hand and tell him it is okay. From Tony’s reaction, Steve can guess that he died fighting with Tony, and probably even protecting Tony. Isn’t that what he is supposed to do and what he always does? Protecting his teammates and standing in front of them. Even if it causes his life. The truth is not important anymore. It does not worth seeing Tony going through such great pain just to face it. If he dies protecting Tony, then that is his choice. Tony should not suffer any of the consequences.

“Once it's over, it's not you who'll miss it. Your own death is something that happens to everybody else.” Steve remembers the words from Sherlock Holmes episodes when Tony always chose to watch Sherlock Holmes over and over again for their movie night. He remembers that he was the only one who stayed behind since everybody else was already tired of watching it. He remembers that Tony was so excited every time they started watching it but he would always fall asleep in the middle of the episode. He remembers Tony’s head laying on his shoulder. He remembers the softness of Tony’s hair and the mumbling sound when he’s asleep. Witnessing his own death happening to everybody else, especially happening to Tony, kills Steve. He guesses some part of him made the choice because he did not want to witness Tony’s death. Surviving is always harder than dying.

“Steve- He-”

Tony tries to organize his sentences. Peter is looking at him so genuinely. He just doesn’t know how to tell him that he was the one who killed Steve.

“Alright, times up, kid. You gotta go. I got things to do. Yes, I got things to do. I got a meeting to attend, weapons to upgrade, and papers to sign. And you, you gotta go back to school. I’ll see you around alright?”

Tony uses the lamest excuse to evict Peter. Peter reluctantly lands on the elevator.

He can’t. He can’t do it. He just can’t tell anyone about it. Tony pushes Peter out to the elevator in split second, despite the doubts from Peter. Tony sat on the floor against the wall. He closes his eyes, hoping that he can just disappear, hoping that everything can just disappear. The most loyal soldier, his best friend, his potential lover, his Steve Rogers, right in front of Tony’s face. Every time he closes his eyes, he can see Steve’s face and the explosion that follows. He can see Steve saying something right before his last breath but Tony cannot hear him. He can never hear him say any word anymore.

“It was all my fault.”

Tony mumbles it out but Steve still catches the words. He sits with Tony on the floor. If Tony can actually see him right now, he can see the bluest eyes in the world. Steve smiles and pats Tony’s head.

“It was not your fault.”

Chapter Text

It has already been a month since Steve’s funeral. From Steve’s observation as a ghost, he thinks that Tony is actually on the right track. The beer bottles have a much lower frequency of showing up in the Avengers building, although cups of coffee are becoming the main liquid that Tony drinks. But Tony has always been relying on coffee for his whole life even when Steve was alive. It’s just when Steve was still there, he would try to convince Tony to go to sleep and eat. Tony would always argue with him and try to find his way back to his workshop. Steve would just keep interrupting and disturbing Tony’s work until Tony finally surrendered. “I can do this all day.” as Steve always says. Steve would grab him out and sit with him just to watch him finish his lunch at 4 pm in the afternoon. Tony would complain about everything every time but never about the food that Steve made him. Steve cannot get Tony out of the workshop this time no matter how hard he tries. He cannot prepare the spaghetti that Tony has always loved eating even though Tony never admitted it. All Steve can do right now is just watching Tony working on the machine that he does not understand all day and night.

Tony is in better shape than when Steve first appeared in the Avengers building. Steve thinks that it is because Tony needs to go on missions from time to time now. Although the only food that Steve has seen Tony consume is just donuts and coffee, it is at least better than nothing but just a mixture of alcohol. Tony rarely sits down and actually has a meal but whenever he does, Steve always sits next to him and watches him finish his food, just like in the old days. Things like this sometimes make Steve forget that he has already died. But every time he sees Tony’s injuries and bruises he remembers. He is no longer there to protect him. He very much wishes to tell and scold Tony to keep himself safe in the battle. The increasingly bad injuries and wounds make Steve worried about him whenever Tony was summoned away. It is always Stark’s style: giving in everything and trying to save the world in his own way.

And Steve just tries to save Tony in his own way, even though it is obviously useless to Tony. Steve stays up all night with Tony in the workshop even though he does not understand a thing that Tony is making. Steve waits in front of the balcony when Tony is out on a mission just to see Tony returns with more blood and wounds on his body. Steve holds his hand when Tony is haunted by the nightmares even though Tony cannot feel a thing.

Steve used to be the one sitting on the sofa in the middle of the night just to make sure that he was not having a nightmare. And even if Tony did have a nightmare, he would be there to comfort him. Steve remembers the days when Tony could not sleep and they just sat on the couch late at night, talking about random things and having a little wine on the balcony. Tony would smile at him and mumble gibberish with his tipsy tone. Although his body processes alcohol quickly enough that he could not get drunk, he enjoys drinking a bit with Tony and breathing the gentle breeze on the balcony.

Those were the better days. There were days that Tony would wake up screaming in the dark and throwing everything at the wall. There were days that Tony would wake up gasping for the air and could not even make a sound with all his sweat that soaked the bed. There were days that Steve needed to hold Tony in his arms all night just to make Tony relax a bit.

Those days right after his funeral, Tony is a real pile of mess, just like those bad days. Steve would sit on Tony's bed to accompany him but all he could ever do is just watch Tony screaming in his dream and screaming when he woke up. Tony could not even get some continuous sleep over three hours back in those days. He would try to sleep and wake up from nightmares with all the sweats and a lot of time just staring at the wall trying not to fall asleep. Steve could roughly understand Tony's words in his dream. It was always "Steve!" going with "I'm sorry" and sometimes "Please don't go". Steve would try to comfort Tony by saying "It’s okay, Tony. I'm here". He would sit there and hold Tony's hand. There were moments when he thought that Tony was talking to him until he realizes that Tony was actually talking to him in the dream. Steve wishes that he can actually go into Tony's dream and tell him "It's okay. Everything will be okay. This will pass".

Steve has always tried so hard in protecting Tony. Steve has always been the chicken mother all the time. He has already gotten used to being a spirit but he still won’t give up on trying to help Tony. He tried to hold on to Tony’s armor but got left behind when Tony soared to the sky. He tried to follow Tony to his meeting with General Ross but some invisible wall seems to block his way out of the building. Steve then understands that he is trapped within the border of the Avengers building. Besides his border restriction, he tries to interact with reality. He tries to move a pen, a bottle, and a piece of paper, but nothing works. Actually, something did work. Steve is not even quite sure that he actually “controlled” it.

There was this one time when Tony was so close to falling asleep while holding a sizzling hot soldering iron and Steve managed to move the soldering iron away from Tony at that critical moment. But Tony woke up right after and there was machinery assisting him in the precise soldering action, Steve was not sure if it was he who actually controlled the robotic arm or if it was an automatic alert system that secures Tony from getting hurt. Steve, however, has not been able to replicate any other movement ever since that incident. No matter if he is in the workshop, in the living room, or in Tony’s bedroom, he is not able to move a thing.

Steve sometimes is frustrated with himself for not being able to actually do anything. But he always has great faith. He always thinks that “I could do this all day”. He believes that eventually, he can witness Tony move on from this bad state. He believes that he is here for a purpose. He believes that he is here for the unfinished business just like the way that ghost stays in the movie. And he believes that his mission is to keep Tony safe, to make sure that Tony is safe.

Good days that Steve thought they are do not last long. The illusion that Tony is actually healing and getting better breaks when agent Romanoff marched into the Avengers building after the closure of a mission. Tony is just stitching himself up from the ugly battle. Steve can imagine the battle just from the blood stain on Tony's clothes and the wounds that are still bleeding. Tony looks pale as paper due to the blood loss and probably lack of food consumption. It is not the first time that Tony carries all the injuries home but things just got worse and worse. Steve even suspects that there is an ongoing war with the aliens again but he does not spot anything from Tony's conversation and files.

"Tony Stark!"

Steve watches Tony jumps up and knocks over every first aid box and bandage. Tony tries to hide the wounds and the tools but everything is just so clear in Natasha's eyes.

"Friday! How can you not tell me that she is heading here?"
"Sorry sir, I have repeated it for the 7th time."

Steve could clearly hear the sarcasm from the AI and he can even imagine Friday rolling her eyes at Tony. Tony was too focused on his wounds which used up most of his attention. Well, in his defense, it was Steve who helped him deal with all these in the past. Steve, standing where Tony could not see, still tells him how to stitch up those wounds while watching Tony doing so clumsily. Steve can’t help but laugh at the situation. But this is the last moment that he can laugh at.

"Tony, are you okay?"
"I swear to god if the next person asks me if I'm fine, I'm gonna smash it back to their stomach. I'm okay for the millionth time. You guys, you, pepper, Fury, always act like I am gonna go crazy or something. I'm fine."

Natasha cannot help but ask if he is okay as soon as she saw the scars and wounds which Tony tries to hide, although Tony's answer is as expected as an asshole.

"The blood on your wounds says otherwise."
"These? These are just battle wounds. They are gonna heal in no time."

Natasha crosses her hands in front of her arms. She looks at Tony like he is lying about something. And as a matter of fact, he is. He has always been the lying bastard that he is.

"Tony, you have to stop doing it."
"Doing what? Doing a great job in saving all your asses? Thanks, but no thanks. I am doing great."

Natasha seems more concerned than she usually does. Steve feels the anxiousness and worries from his dear agent friend. Tony is still full of himself and has the look of narcissism.

"No! Tony! You are practically killing yourself! Every time, every mission, you are just throwing yourself to die! You are just so eager to get injured at the battle. You are just- so eager to get killed."
"Nonsense. I am not getting killed. I have my armor."

Natasha is so furious. She is furious at Tony Stark for treating the life that he has like it is shit. She is furious at Tony Stark for trying so hard in dying but not surviving. She is furious at Tony Stark for not treasuring this chance that he has. She is furious but at the same time, she feels so sorry for Tony.

"Oh, yea? Then, look at yourself. Today's battle does not even count as one of the worst fights but look at you. You are wounded like it was the fight in the apocalypse."

Tony suffocated in his own words. He tries to come up with a way to fight back her words but he just can’t.

"Ever since- Ever since Steve died. You have been like this."

Natasha states the fact so easily but it breaks Steve's heart to hear this. Steve, for the first time, hates himself so much for not being able to do anything.

"I’M FINE. For god sake, I’m fine. But hey don't trust me. Don't trust your dearest teammates who you choose to trust with your back. If you don't believe me, just find a psychiatrist. I'll do any assessment and test that you ask for. Just leave me alone after those."
"You sure know how to bribe and lie through your way. Tony, you got to listen to me. You need to stop trying to suicide in battle."
"Then what am I supposed to do?"

Tony stops trying to deny it. He stares right into Natasha's concerning sights.

"Tell me! What the hell am I supposed to do, then? Am I just gonna live my happy little life? Pretend that it never happens? Pretend that Steve was just away? Pretend that Steve isn't- dead? Pretend that Steve isn't dead because of me?"

Tony starts raising his volume. He is screaming from his heart. Steve recognizes this. This is pretty much Tony Stark asking for help in his way. And he hates Tony for constantly thinking that it is his fault. How could he convince Tony that none of what happened could have been his fault? Steve wishes he can go back in time to tell Tony that it has always been his choice and will always be his choice. Steve wishes that Tony does not need to suffer and take the consequence of his actions.

"No, Tony. I am not saying that you should deny it but you should accept it. Steve is- gone but you still live. You can still have a life that he couldn't have and you can still save lives. Are you just gonna throw all your effort into the ocean? Throw all Steve's effort into the ocean?"

Tony is silenced. For months, he has been trying so hard at saving people and fighting battles. Not that he doesn't want to win but he also couldn’t deny the fact that he has been throwing himself into dangerous situations. He has been throwing himself into situations where Steve would forbid him from going into it alone. All he can think about, all he can do for these months are the battles that help him through and keep him busy. These battles and wounds keep his mind away from Steve.

"Just live for him, could you? For once, try to think of him."

Natasha left with those words. Tony is not sure if she leaves because of the unresponsiveness or if she thinks that he could no longer be convinced.

"Think of Steve".

Those words themselves hurt without actually doing so. The scenes where Steve is dying, the blood that came out of his mouth, the sound of the explosion that hurts his ears, Tony does not want to remember any of those.

"Think of Steve."

It is so funny that this is actually the only thing that he cannot keep his thought away from. No matter how hard he tries. He can hear Steve saying "don't drink too much coffee" when he walks near the coffee machine and pours himself another shot. He can hear Steve saying "don't go there alone, Tony" when he left the team and tries and attack the enemy on his own. He wishes that he can actually hear those words again.

"Think of Steve."

Tony can never stop thinking of Steve, not even in his dreams. No matter it is a nightmare or a sweet dream, Steve is always there. Tony has trouble sleeping due to all those dreams about Steve’s death. He would see Steve dying in his arms. His golden hair has blood all over it and those blue eyes would go darker and darker. Tony also had this delusion of seeing Steve comforting him. Sometimes, Tony cannot differentiate if he is conscious or not because he would wake up from a nightmare but then saw Steve again saying "It's okay". Sometimes he would beg Steve not to go and Steve would guarantee that he is not going anywhere. Tony thinks that he is seeing things and having delusions but he just does not want them to disappear. If he is sick, let him be forever sick. Tony just wants to grap onto the last hope of seeing Steve.

"Think of Steve."

Tony misses the smile of Steve, the smell of Steve, the sound of Steve, pretty much everything that just slightly relates to Steve. Those details, however, also haunt him like nightmares. What will Steve say if he actually sees him like this? Tony believes that Steve will act like a worried chicken mother and comfort Tony saying that it's not his fault when it actually is totally his fault. This hurts more than anything. The thought that Steve cares about him even though Steve knows that Tony kills him hurts Tony the most. It would be stunning if Tony knows that this is actually what Steve is doing right now.

"Hey, Tony. Don't think of me, alright?"

Steve walks near Tony who is spacing out for a while. Steve smiles at him and tries to pat his back.

"Just remember that it is not your fault."

Chapter Text

“Hey, TONY! It's me! It's actually me! Steve Rogers! Please just listen to me, alright? Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Steve-”

Tony stands at the edge of the balcony when he looks at Steve confusingly. Steve approaches Tony one step at a time like he approaches little kittens and tries not to scare them.

Tony is just one leap, one leap away from everything, one leap away from life, one leap away from Steve.

How things evolve into the current situation needs to start explaining what happened hours ago, when Sharon Carter walked into the Avengers building.

It has been months since Steve’s death. The funeral of Steve obviously didn't calm the patriotic U.S. citizens. Although the Avengers are partly reunited and still fighting for the country. The people are so eager to know how exactly did Steve die. They have been asking for Iron Man to stand out and take the media interview regarding the questions about Captain America's death. Tony has been putting off the interview for months. He is not sure he could lie to the public, to the citizens, and to himself about how Steve actually died. S.H.I.E.L.D, on the other hand, decides that this interview can no longer be delayed and they must maintain the stability and peace of the country by having Tony Stark, the only person who witness and cause Steve’s death, lie to the public that their hero indeed died in a fight protecting the country, instead of rebelling orders.

"Mr. Stark. I am Sharon Cater and I am responsible for preparing you to face the media regarding- Steve's death."
"I heard. But I don't think I need that training. I’m quite an expert in talking to the media."

Tony must say that he is shocked when he sees Sharon. He does expect an agent to be here for the so-called training but he doesn’t expect Sharon Carter to be here. He cannot help but question if S.H.I.E.L.D has an employee shortage. They send a little girl that has a crush on Steve and expects her to just shield her feeling up and deal with this whole media and shithole related to Steve. That is pretty ridiculous.

“Well, Mr. Stark. I am just following orders.”
“Seriously, we don’t need to do this. At least not with you. I can just ask Fury to send another-”
“No, Mr. Stark. Thanks for your concern out of nowhere but I am a professional agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Tony knows how hard it is to deal with a lover’s death. He just cannot see a girl undergoing such pain. Sharon, however, sees things differently. She considers herself a professional. Although her feelings for Steve are true and sincere, she wants to do this. She needs to deal with this. She needs to overcome this. No matter how much she wants to ask Tony how the hell did things become like this and how the hell did Steve eventually die in the hands of Tony Stark. She knows that she is sad, angry, and desperate but she also knows her responsibility. The vow and oath that she gave when she first joined the S.H.I.E.L.D. She remembers that the safety and security of the U.S. are much greater than her personal affairs.

"Ok, let's do a mock interview and if your answer is good enough, I can just get off early for today."
"Sure. Lady first."

Tony pulls the chair for Sharon and she gently sat down. Sharon takes out the prepared documents and starts organizing and skimming through the questions. She swiftly gets into her state and starts the mock interview. Sharon and Tony's conversation started pretty friendly but things get worse at lightning speed than none of them can ever think of.

"What is Captain America's opinion on the Sokovia Accord? I heard that you two had a big fight at the airport regarding your differences on the Accord."

Steve cannot remember anything about the Sokovia Accord or even the big fight at an airport. Steve can guess that all questions are real as soon as Sharon asked them but he just cannot remember. He tries so hard to search through his memory but every time he goes near the memories before his death. The headache takes over control and he just cannot grab any useful pieces out of the shades and blackness.

"Totally nonsense. Cap and I had our disagreement but we both agree and were dedicated to protecting the people to the best we could."
"Not bad. Misdirection and divert attention."

Sharon raises her eyebrows and gives a look at Tony. She has heard of and witnessed how smoothly Tony can handle the media but she is still kind of impressed when she actually sees it.

"How did Captain America die in Siberia?"
"Steve died in honor fighting the remnants of Hydras. I myself, and all US citizens, will forever remember him as the greatest hero that we ever had."

Sharon ticks a little bit when she sees Tony Stark answer her questions so comfortably. She understands that her job to actually to make sure that Tony answers the sharp questions from the reporter with confidence and not leak any information that the public shouldn't know while maintaining his credibility. However, she can’t help but wrinkled the paper that she is holding when she hears "the greatest hero" describing Steve from Tony's mouth. She just cannot accept that Steve, the man she loves most, died at the hands of Tony Stark, who described Steve as the greatest hero. She shakes off her thoughts and tries so hard to keep her professionalism by continuing in this interview.

“Sharon, you okay? We can stop this anytime.”

Tony notices her discomfort when he sees her clench her teeth. It is totally normal to feel so uncomfortable in such a scenario where every question exposes the fact that her loved one is no longer alive. It is hard for Tony himself to face the question but he still wants to make sure that Sharon is okay, or at least better than him.

“I’m fine. I just want to get done with this, with all this.”

Sharon stares into the look of Tony. He seems so sincere. She understands that it must also be hard for him. But still, how could he? How could he lie so normally about what happened to Steve? She takes a deep breath and focuses back on the questions instead of Tony Stark.

“Why did the Avengers go to Siberia in the first place? And why didn’t other Avengers come along but only Captain America and you went there?”
“Cap was the first one who found the secret foundation of Hydra. He was lured into a trap and the Avengers are rushing there. I was the first to arrive with the help of my suit but there were too many of them. We were outnumbered and Cap died in the siege of Hydra agents. It was my fault that I couldn't save him. He was there fighting for us until the last moment.”

Sharon couldn't even find a word to describe how she feels right now. She was one of the story writers in making up the story of Steve Rogers' death to make sure that it is flawless. But actually hearing how the story is told by the killer of Steve, is another level of fury. Sharon was not even aware that she has condensed so much anger inside her and now she is so close to exploding.

"According to an anonymous source, the cause of death of Captain America was the explosion of your energy source, the nuclear reactor. Is it true?"

She is implying that Tony is the main cause of his death. Steve becomes more eager to find out the truth. His headache becomes tremendously painful as he tries so hard. The pieces of memories, however, start to show. Scenes of him being confronted by Tony and saying that he would like to punch him in his perfect teeth; scenes of them fighting in the airport with Falcon, Antman, Natasha, Wanda, and everybody else are now all coming together. He cannot even continue to follow the conversation between Sharon and Tony.

Tony obviously does not expect such a question to appear. The death cause of Steve has been a highly classified document and he does not think that anyone except for himself the awful bureaucrats is gonna know the truth.

"I don't think-"
"Please answer the question, Mr. Stark."

Tony tries to avoid the question but Sharon makes it clear that he needs to finish this.

"That is a totally false statement and I think you need to check your credentials with your source."

Lying into one's face, especially about the death of Steve Rogers guilts him. He wishes he can just tell the world that he is the murderer and let the world judge him and sentence him to death.

"How would you describe Steve Rogers?"
"Steve was- Steve was my best friend and he- he had faith in me in all of us that we could bring peace to this messy world. Steve was the kindest and most persistent man that I have ever seen and will ever see in my life. Steve was- Steve was Captain America and will always be my- our Captain America."

The only motivation that he has now is to think of what Steve might want. Saving people, living on. Tony tries to have the faith that Steve always had but it was just so hard to hold onto it. Just thinking of Steve has taken Tony too much attention. Thus, Tony fails to realize that Sharon has been holding the paper of questions too hard. And the conversation has gone down from this point.

"Okay, great job so far. Last question: did you kill Steve Roger?"
"Wait, what?"

Tony and Steve suddenly lost their breadth at the same time. Tony is caught totally out of the blue by the question that strikes right into his heart. For Steve, Steve just does not understand the question at all. What does it mean by Tony killing him? Didn’t he die in a battle with Tony? Steve is so confused.

"I don't understand how you can do it."
"Do what?"
"Lie to me right in my face so easily."

Sharon Carter stands up and walks around Tony. Her look completely changes to hideous and hateful.

“You know that it is not true, right?”
“You know that no matter what you say. No matter how many times you deny it. No matter how many people tell you that it is not your fault. No matter how you lie to yourself that is not your fault. Deep down in your heart, you always know that it is your fault!”
“It is your fault that Steve died. It is your fault! You are the one who killed Steve and no matter how you try to deny it, you could NEVER wash the blood off your hands.”

Listening to those words is much easier than lying about Steve’s death.

The first thought of Tony is not to tell her to shut up or escape or anything like that. The first thought is simply the feeling of being liberated. Finally, someone who knows the truth, who is brave enough to talk about the truth stands in front of him.

Doesn’t he know that someday like this will eventually come? He has always imagined such a day, when the world finds out that he is the murderer. There will no longer be any shelter for him to hide.

“You are a cold-blooded murderer, Tony Stark.”
“Shut up.”

Steve tries to maintain his headache while saying it to Sharon. It is not true. Tony could not be the murderer. Tony is that frightened, that innocent.

“You know that I am right, Tony Stark. You killed Steve. You are the murderer. You are the one who killed Steve in Siberia and nothing you say or do can ever hide it! YOU ARE THE MURD-”
“I said SHUT UP!”

Steve shouts it out and hits the vase right next to him. What is interesting is that the vase brokes at the same time just as Steve hits it. All three of them freeze. Tony swears at that moment he heard Steve saying shut up. Sharon also freezes at that spot, staring at the pieces of the vase, getting her mind straight. She knows the truth from the beginning. S.H.I.E.L.D. told her before she even started the interview training preparation with Tony Stark. She knows every bit of the truth from top to bottom. It is not Tony’s fault. But at that moment, when Tony looks so casual when he talks about Steve’s death, when he lies so causally about those things, she just cannot control herself and freaks out about it.

“I didn’t- I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”

She fled the scene with tears and did not even look back at what just happened. Leaving Tony and the soul of Steve alone.

“Steve? Is that you?”

Tony asked weakly to the air, hoping to hear an answer or simply just a response of any kind.

“Tony, just- give me a second.”

The headache almost killed him, twice. He still managed to respond to Tony’s question but Tony cannot hear him now. The gate to Steve’s locked memories suddenly opens up and memories flush into his brain like a tornado. All the memories are just coming back all at once, including in Siberia where he struck the shield into Tony’s chess. Steve finally remembers how he died.

“If it is you. I promise you that this is going to end, alright? I will make things right- I promised-”

Steve tries so hard to remain conscious but this is the last sentence that he could hear before everything blacks out.

Chapter Text

When Steve wakes up from the headache, it is already past midnight. Steve stands up and looks around for Tony but cannot find him anywhere in the building. He looks out the window and sees Tony on the balcony. Tony is sitting on the chair with all the empty bottles around him and a full glass of red wine on the table. Steve is relieved for a bit and walks near Tony as he sees him taking a big sip of red wine.

“I miss you, Steve-”

For a second, Steve actually thought that Tony can see him right now. But he then realizes that Tony is just talking to himself. The fact of Tony saying that he misses Steve when there is nobody else to talk to breaks Steve's heart.

“I miss you too, Tony.”

It was just like all the nights that they spent together. Steve sits on the empty chair next to Tony’s and tries to get a hold of the red wine but he still cannot. He misses the times when they share their thoughts and visions about each other and he misses the times when he was there to protect Tony from getting hurt. He misses his ability to simply hold and hug Tony instead of his power to fight enemies. He simply misses his interaction with Tony.

“I think I loved you, Steve.”

This sentence is just too much for Steve to process. Did he have excessive unexplainable care for Tony? Yes. Did he notice? Hmm, kind of yes but he did not think that it is romance. He was there to look after Tony in the first place simply because he is the son of his dearest old friend, Howard Stark. But did he even think of Howard for the days and nights that they spent together? No. He simply enjoys those and later on it kind of just becomes an instinct in protecting and accompanying Tony. The feelings that he had were not ever identified in his mind. And when he actually hears the words from Tony. He realized. Yes, he loves Tony all along, he loves Tony at first sight. All those excuses are just used to justify his feelings.

“I didn't know, Tony. I didn't think that-”
“God damn it. I think I still love you.”

Tony drinks the whole glass of wine in one gulp. He then slowly pours himself another glass. His hands shake and cannot even hold the bottle steady and he spills almost half of it on the table. The red liquid reflects the lights in the sky and also the figure of Tony, and somehow Steve's too. Tony is too drunk to notice that the shadow appears in the reflection.

“Did you know that? I guess not. You stupid ass couldn't even consider that homosexual love as a thing, ain't you? ”

Steve admits that he has always been the dumber one when compared to the genius Tony Stark. He couldn't even figure out how to use a smartphone properly, let alone his feelings for his teammate. God, Steve wishes he can travel back in time and just tell his stupid self the truth instead of letting him know by now. Not now, God, not after his death, not after all this.

“I didn't think that- I would actually-”

Steve changes from sitting upright to lying back in the chair and holding his head with his hands. Steve cannot find words to describe what he feels right now.

“You know what, I actually thought that we kind of have a thing- until we were in Siberia. Then, I know that I am just delusional cos it probably was nothing but just pitying your dearest friend’s son.”

He remembers, all of it, from beginning to end, from the first moment they met to the last moment in Siberia. He remembers now. The last words of his, what he actually wants to say back in Siberia, was never anything else. Steve realized that the person he’d die to touch, he’d die to hold, he’d die to kiss, he’d die to love has always and will forever be Tony Stark. The feeling and the worries that he had for Tony were never out of pity or care. Maybe it’s too late to realize but he loved Tony. More than anyone or even himself can imagine.

“It was never what I want it to be. Things were never what I thought they would be. I was so furious because I trust you so much and you, out of all people, you deceive me about my parent’s death.”
“I’m sorry, Tony. I really am.”

Steve is so frustrated when Tony mentions this. He shouldn't have done so. Tony is right, out of all people, he should have been the one who trusts Tony about it, about everything, after everything.

“I never meant to hurt Bucky. Bucky, well, Bucky is probably your one and only true love, haha-”
“You know it’s not true, Tony. I love you, always. I shouldn’t have done anything like that or even close to that to you.”

Steve responds to Tony’s self-deprecation with the gentlest tone in the world. He wishes so much that he could just affirm Tony as he had always been doing, telling him that he is the greatest genius in the world and that Steve is so lucky to have him in his life.

“I guess that I am never worth it. I never deserve anything good and certainly not your love.”

Tony finishes another glass of his aged fine wine. Steve stands up from his chair and walks right in front of Tony and he gets down on one knee to loop up to Tony.

“Tony, listen to me, you deserve the whole world.”

Steve understands that Tony always looks so arrogant but deep down Tony is just a kid that lacks any sense of security. He has been making sure that Tony can get enough affirmation from him by telling Tony a thousand times that he is the best to Steve.

“But you know what? You are all that matters, Steve. You are just all that matters, okay? You are all that matters to me. And I don't know what is right and what is wrong anymore, Steve. I just don't know what it is anymore.”

Steve witnesses Tony's love for him when he thinks that Steve is not listening. Tony's love has always been so obvious only if you just look. Steve remembers all the happiness between them. All the arguments between them. But all of them just add up and accumulate to a point where it all explodes now. To a point where he would like to scream it all out. To the current point, where Steve realized that his care for Tony has always been more than teammates, more than friends, more than family. Steve Roger has always and will always love Tony Stark.

“It’s always you. Steve Rogers, you keep me right.”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh at Ton’s choice in quoting Sherlock Holmes in such a situation. Sherlock Holmes’ words are actually quite suitable for them, aren't they? Although he doesn't see himself as professional as John Watson, Tony Stark is definitely the arrogant, insecure, genius Sherlock Holmes in the modern world. And not just right now, but Tony has told him a lot of times that Steve helped him in finding the right path and getting that inspiration when developing all his inventions.

“And I will make this right, this time, for you.”
“Tony? What are you trying to do?”

Steve catches Tony’s look shifts from dazed to determined. He has a real bad feeling about it. It was like the feeling that he had when Tony used to say that he would be fine after flying alone into a whole swarm of enemies.

“I guess this is it.”

Tony stands up and walks right past Steve. He slowly walks toward the edge of the balcony.

“Tony, come back!”

Steve starts panicking. He tries to grab the arms of Tony but it goes right through them. Steve wants to swear so much at God or whoever invented this spirit thing to not give him controllable power.

“I just want this to end. I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Well, I guess I was the one who take out the light in my life.”

Tony stops in front of the balusters. He turns around facing Steve who tries to pull him back into the building. Tony looks up at the Avengers sign on the building and slightly sighed.

“Tony, you got to listen to me, alright? This is not the right thing to do.”

Steve, on the other hand, is not as calm as Tony. He desperately tries to convince Tony to be out of this situation but Tony cannot hear him. Steve stands between Tony and the edge of the balcony, glimpsing and swearing at the height of the building.

“Friday, is the document ready?”
“Yes, sir. The contract for the legal transfer of Stark industry to under the name of Ms. Pepper Potts has been prepared.”
“Tony! Stop it!”

“Tell her I say goodbye when you wake up.”
“Yes, sir.”
“TONY!”

Steve kicks over an empty bottle on the ground and the rattling sound attracts Tony's attention. Tony stares at the emptiness but can't notice any strangeness and he eventually gives up searching.

“Friday, turns off the safety insurance of all devices and shut down yourself.”
“Yes, sir.”
“TONY! COME BACK RIGHT NOW! Can you hear me? TONY!”

Along with the sound of Friday shutting down, Steve watches Tony swallow the last bit of wine and throw the glass away along with all his electronic devices on his body. Tony was so calm when he steps onto the balusters but Steve is basically screaming with all his strength trying to break through this wall of life and death. For the first time in his life, he feels so helpless, so powerless.

“See you all.”

Tony softly sits down on the balusters, slowly moving his body out in the air, ready to fly with the blowing wind on this cold night.

“TONY!!!! DON’T!”

Steve grabs the shirt of Tony and miraculously he is actually able to hold it and pull him back a bit.

“Steve? Is that you?”

Tony thinks he heard Steve's anxious sound and then he feels a pull that brings him back. He gets down from the balusters and starts looking everywhere, hoping to see even the silhouette of Steve when Steve is actually gasping for air for that dangerous moment that Tony is so prepared for.

“Ahh, I really wish I could see you once more before- this.”

Tony sighs and sits back on the balusters while looking down at the streets that are miles below him.

“Goodbye, Steve.”
"Hey, TONY! It's me! It's actually me! Steve Rogers! Please just listen to me, alright? Don’t do anything stupid."
"Steve? Have you always been here? Did you hear- the whole thing?"

Tony could barely see Steve. Steve is half transparent but he is still in his Captain America suit. Steve is so glad that God or whoever decides to help him this time. Steve is so glad that Tony can finally see him. Deep down in his heart, he knows that this is why his soul is trapped. This is the unfinished business and why he stays.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I’m sorry about the Sokovia Accord. I’m sorry about Siberia. I’m sorry that I- I’m sorry that-”

Tony nearly bursts into tears when he realized that it is actually Steve. He misses the blonde-hair blue-eyes, Captain America, a lot. He truly does. For a hundred times in his dream and nightmare, he tried to just stay there for longer, no matter good or bad. He just wanted to see Steve one more time, one last time.

“Listen to me, Tony. It is not your fault.”

Steve approaches Tony very carefully. He could feel Tony’s mental instability just like an overtightened string. And every time he thinks that things are just starting to get better, it always gets worse. But he cannot dare to take any risk this time. This time he just cannot risk and cannot think of the possibility that Tony might die.

“It is my fault, Steve. Sharon was right. No matter what I do. No matter how I tried to convince myself. I know, I always know that I am the one who screwed up.”

Tony keeps backing up and leaning toward the edge. Every step that Steve takes pushed Tony to the edge a bit more. The appearance of Steve strangely does not decrease his willingness to “make things right”. Tony has thought of what he would do if he could see Steve one last time. He would be the one who takes responsibility for what he did, finally.

People say that they would die to see their loved one more time and Tony thinks to himself that this is much more accurate than the saying goes. His feeling for Steve has been the greatest and worst nightmare all along, even before Steve’s death. His love for his teammate has always been the sweetest and bitterest feeling. The surging love that has always been there. The surging love that is hidden under the table when they hold their hands on the movie night, when he always tends to fall asleep on Steve’s body, and when Steve always waits so quietly for him. The love that he yet to said out loud just to witness the death of his loved one. The love that is clearly banned from the government and the love that hurts the most in his heart when Steve struck that shield. The love that Tony has tried to hide and deny all along. And all that is left is the overwhelming drain of his life ever since Steve died. He can still see the image of Steve trying to say the words from his mouth, which almost overlaps with reality right now. Tony is pretty sure that Steve is saying something to him but the blowing wind is too loud and takes over his ears and mind.

“I am gonna make this right, Steve.”

Steve knows what he means. But no, this is not right. This is nowhere near right. The only right thing here and now is for Tony to live on. Tony’s left foot is already in the air, and the wind feels like Tony could be in the air any moment.

“I’m sorry, Steve- I really am.”

Steve hopes Tony can just stop apologizing. Steve hopes that Tony can just stop apologizing for things that should not have been his responsibility. Steve hopes that Tony can just put down the burden that he takes on his shoulder, for the lives that he thought he couldn’t save in Sokovia, and more importantly for the life of Steve. None of it is his fault. Tony Stark, as he knows, did the best that he could to protect everyone, and he means it when he says everyone.

“Wait, Tony! Just listen to me, please!”

Steve pretty much screams at Tony and he sees that Tony stops for a moment. Steve tries to think of what he could say to convince Tony to retreat from that cold and dangerous situation. But he has always been the stubborn one, just like Steve could never stop Tony from throwing himself into danger even when he was still alive. How could he convince Tony that it is actually not his fault?

"You are the best and the wisest man that I have ever known. And yes, of course, I forgive you."

Those are the words that Watson says to Sherlock in an episode. The sentence shows up from nowhere when Steve looks at Tony. Those are the same words that he wants Tony to hear from him. And for the first time, he realizes that Sherlock Holmes and John Watson might be more than friends just like he and Tony. People say you will recognize love when you see one but Steve never realizes anything, not until now, not until Tony is so close to death.

For the times that he lives in the Avengers building, alive and dead, he can feel it. He can feel the lingering looks, the careless touch, and all the thoughtful presents just to make him feel at home. Tony has done so much, more than what he should have done as a teammate. And Steve just realizes that this is what love looks like. It is not just Tony that relies on Steve when he drags Tony out of his workshop but also Steve who relies on Tony for giving him the chance and the responsibility to act and assimilate into the modern world.

But maybe it has always been too late.

He remembers the warning from General Ross about going too close to Tony Stark. He remembers those implies and suspicions about the actual relationship between them. He remembers his worry for Tony diverts his attention from the team. He remembers all the casualties because of his late commands. He remembers how Tony was lured into a trap as soon as he heard any news of Steve being hurt. He remembers how delicate and destructive their feeling for each other has been for the country, for Avengers, and for Tony.

“I have been here all the time, Tony. And trust me I will always be watching over you. Don’t torture yourself for what I have done, Tony.”

It is too late.

It is certainly too late for Tony to know that Steve has always loved him back.

But it is not too late for Tony to have a new life and a new lover.

“Tony-”

Steve could feel his body disappearing. He knows that this is the end of his story but the last thing he does is to make sure that this is not the end for Tony Stark.

“You need to trust me on this one.”

I love you to the moon and back. I would die for you a millionth time if I had to.

“I should not have struck that shield on you. I’m so sorry, Tony. It has never been your fault.”
“Steve-? No, Steve! Please don’t go. Please don’t leave me alone. Please don’t do that to me once again.”

Tony sees that the soul of Steve starts fading. His voice is also fading. Tony runs toward Steve and tries to hug him for one last time.

“I’m sorry, Tony. It was not your fault, Tony, I lo-”

The words from Steve have always been so gentle even in his final moments. The second Tony touches Steve he vanishes into thin air as if he has never existed before. The words from Steve make Tony realize that these have always been Steve’s last words, here and back then in Siberia. Steve tries to tell him that it was not his fault right after the explosion happens.

“It was not my fault-”