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"If you don't try it, you will never know"
Those words were going 'round and 'round in his head since the bassist said them one hour ago. Maybe TonyLe was right and he really needed to try, or maybe attempt to try it, the latter was more accurate for this situation where he could feel the panic overcome him making him freeze and do nothing but think and overthink about the outcome.
But what was this 'situation' that made Peter Gabriel sit on his bed, totally frozen for the past hour? Well...
Genesis was carrying their "Invisible Touch" tour in Europe, specifically in Italy, and they just happened to be in the same hotel as Peter Gabriel was staying while he was doing his "So" tour in Europe. Peter always believed in coincidences but this one just crossed the line.
But, of course, Peter also believed in fate and knew that this 'coincidence' maybe was something more. Maybe this 'coincidence' was telling him that something needed to be done and he knew, or so he thinks, exactly what it was.
He needed to talk to Tony.
They just fell apart with a strange feeling between them back in WOMAD and Peter wanted to fix it or at least talk about it, but it seemed like Tony just disappeared after that. Peter knew that Tony was holding a grudge, because Tony was like that but he needed to make amends with him, he was his best friend and he didn't want to lose contact with Tony or lose him in general but as far as Peter could see, Tony was doing exactly the opposite and that was hurting him deeply, more than he could imagine.
But Peter was not going to give up, he wanted Tony back and with that impulse he got up from his bed and walked towards the door with his mind made up but, suddenly he stopped in his tracks when he realized that he didn't pay attention to TonyLe when he told him the number of the room where they were staying.
He walked right back to the room's telephone and marked the number of TonyLe's room.
----
'367' repeated Peter in his mind as he was walking in the hotel's halls searching for the door that was in the same floor as his, the coincidence again.
When he found the room he just stood in front of the door contemplating the golden numbers like a dumbass thinking if this was actually a good idea instead of thinking on what he was going to say to Tony first.
'Well, everything happens for a reason, right?' He thought before knocking the door gently.
When he heard the metallic sound of the door opening, he could swear that his heart did a flip inside his chest. He felt the urge to run due to the adrenaline, but obviously it was too late to for that, but then, he just relaxed by taking a deep breath but still feeling a little bit anxious.
He must admit he felt a little bit of disappointment at the same time as joy when he saw Phil's face looking at him.
Peter smiled, and smiled brightly in spite of his disappointment it wasn't Tony who opened the door, he was so glad to see him again and Phil just mimic Peter with the exact same excitement.
"Peter!" Said Phil opening his arms ready to hug the taller one. Peter just walked towards and let the drummer hug him.
"Peter?" Said Mike appearing behind Phil with a smile in his face but there was no sign of Tony. "How glad we are to see you" Continued Mike.
"It's been some time, isn't?" Peter replied combining his hear a little bit, smiling with shyness.
"What a coincidence that we are all staying in the same hotel" Pointed out Mike. 'Tell me about it' Thought Peter. "Peter you're a sensation lately, oh gosh, you're everywhere! I am so glad for you, luv" He was aware of the success that 'Sledgehammer' still had so he figured that his ex-band mates saw him on television and heard him on the radio. If he was honest, he was feeling flattered by the thought of them hearing him and knowing what he was up to, as well as he was starting to feel a little bit small about the whole thing.
"Yeah, what kind of trick did you use? We need that one" Commented Phil jokingly but with a hidden truth in it.
"Oh don't say that, Invisible Touch is delightful" Peter said honest. "I really liked 'In Too Deep' that is an amazing ballad." Peter tried to share his excitement but he noticed something weird when he mentioned 'In Too Deep'. Phil turned quickly to Mike who had a surprised expression while Phil had a concerned one.
"Why 'In Too Deep'? Not that I'm complaining about you liking the song, but is a particular choice indeed." Asked Phil and suddenly the atmosphere turned somewhat tense and suddenly Peter wondered if he shouldn't have said that.
"I- I think as soon as it started, I felt attracted to the song" Explained Peter trying to not to sound weird but failing immensely as he peaked over Phil's shoulder almost unconsciously hoping that Tony would show to see what is going on.
Phil just opened his eyes wide and dropped his jaw a little bit before speaking again.
"It seems to me that you're looking for someone else besides Mike and me, I presume?" Asked Phil arching his eyebrow, already knowing the answer. The drummer just sensed that Peter came for something more than just passing by, it was kinda obvious really, as he always had been.
"No. Yes. I mean, I'd really like to talk to Tony. It's been quite long since WOMAD and I own him an apology" Peter wasn't so sure that he actually owned him an apology but he wanted to apologise anyway for anything that could have happened that made Tony disappear like that.
"Peter..." Began Phil as he slowly closed the door behind him leaving Mike inside muttering something like 'Oh dear lord'. "You know that I never blamed you for nothing and I never picked any sides when you left." Said Phil and Peter was starting to get nervous because Phil never spoke to him in such way and of course, by the tone of his voice, he wasn't going to say something good. "But I think you should try to get away from Tony. I am not saying this because I want you to be mad at him forever but you know how Tony is and he often freezes when something like this happens. After WOMAD and after seeing you again and all that, he just got blocked, he didn't want to play, compose or even get out" Explained Phil with a hand on Peter's shoulder "And I don't want to be rude but, we are in the middle of a tour trying our best to keep floating as a progressive band so maybe is better for you and for him that you stay apart, at least for now".
As the words were said, Peter started to feel more and more downhearted and disappointed with the situation because Phil maybe was right. He knew Phil wasn't being nasty or bad, but he actually had a point. He wasn't trying to kept the bad feelings between him and Tony, he was just saying that they can't try to make up just now and maybe just maybe it was for the good sake of both. Maybe he needed to accept that Tony wasn't his anymore and now he's got friends like Phil and Mike who cared for his feelings as much as Peter once did.
But he still does.
"Y-yeah, of course" He cleared his throat. "You're totally right, Tony is rather impatient with his feelings and I get you on him get blocked by these" Peter felt surreal talking about Tony in such way because he still was his friend and there was no point in trying to get away from him like Phil wanted to, there was something strange going on but, as he agreed earlier, Tony could get blocked and he could ruin the tour for him. He never thought that the day that Peter could ruin something related to Tony came. "Well, at least give him my regards and good luck with the tour. I am leaving tomorrow night so I'm happy that I catched you and Mike" Peter also felt a little angry with Tony because, hidding in the room without even showing his face? Really? 'That was low, Tony'. "Good night, Phil".
Phil just smirked and Peter felt something weird going on with that smirk. "Good Night, Peter" He replied "Oh, and Peter?" Phil called before opening the door for his room. Peter turned his head to Phil curiously. "'In Your Eyes' is my favourite song of So." Said with now a smile.
Peter was going to say 'thank you' when he, as mad as he is sometimes, opened the door of his room and quickly got in and slamming it when he closed it. That left Peter confused and alone in the hallway making him blink twice before shaking his head a little bit and started to walking to his room with a feel of failure in his chest. He was supposed to try it and he just chickened out when Phil told him that Tony didn't want to see him anymore.
What he was supposed to say to TonyLe now?
He was so deep in thought that he didn't pay attention to the door next to Phil and Mike's room opening. Suddenly he felt a hand on his arm and a soft but firm voice filling his ears.
"Peter wait" He said making Peter turn around to see him and make sure that was him trying to stop him. When he turned he could feel tickles in his stomach and started to feel nervous again. He didn't change that much, he just had the nowadays haircut which looked good on him.
Tony stood there for a few seconds trying to process that he was actually seeing those sparkling blue eyes again. He didn't forget the power that those eyes had over him, he couldn't avoid them. They were something that he needed to look at, almost for living. Tony automatically felt that sunshiny aura that Peter had, making him feel warm inside and shaking knees. He had shorter hair now, which make him look more youthful and, he daresay, pretty.
"Tony..." Said Peter almost whispering "I know that we left some bad blood the last time but-.." Was it always so difficult to talk to Tony or was it just this precise moment? "I would like talk-..."
"I know" Tony replied already knowing. The keyboardist overheard the whole conversation between him and Phil. He admits that he did that on purpose when he heard Peter's voice.
They fell in silence unsure what to do next. Peter felt that the situation was overcoming him while Tony was trying to understand since when talking to Peter became so hard, but the keyboardist sighed, to be honest, Tony also wanted to talk to Peter so he wasn't seeing a reason to not do it.
"Shall we, then?" Asked Tony titling his head a little bit in direction to his room. Peter hesitated for a few second and Tony felt how those blue eyes examined him before he walked back to Tony's room.
The first thing that caught his attention was why Tony had a room on his own? And then he remember that sometimes, doesn't matter how famous you can be, when the hotel is almost fully booked, they give you the ones that are free. In this case, it seemed that Mike and Phil had to share room while Tony had a single room for himself.
Once the two musicians were in the room suddenly the air felt thick and that was not a good sign to start with. Peter felt the urge to break the silence between them by making silly comments and Tony knew what that meant: Peter was nervous. It felt just like when they were recording 'The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway'. Both tense and nervous to speak to each other.
"Sorry that I came this late, Tony. If you're really tired I can-.."
"Actually, I was going to have a cup of tea. Do you want some?" Interrupted Tony once more. He didn't know was came upon him, but he didn't want to hear Peter say that he could leave. He was refused to hear the word 'Leave' from Peter's lips and Tony hoped that he was not so obvious about it. Also, it seemed that Tony already knew everything that Peter was going to say. Not because Peter was repetitive, but because he knew him enough.
Peter just nodded, he would love a tea to calm his anxiety. He walked towards the bed and quietly sat in the edge while admiring the hotel room although it looked just exactly like his but the furniture was in different places. He watched Tony make the tea and had a nostalgic feeling like in the very early days of Genesis where Tony used to make tea for relaxing their brains before starting a new song.
When Tony came with the two cups of tea, he gave Peter his cup and when Peter stretched his hand to receive it they touched their hands in a very light way but surely they froze at the slightly touch. It felt like when you lose something but then after a few years you find it again. Peter quickly sipped his tea while Tony grabbed a purple velvet stool and sat in front of him.
"I really loved the album, you know." Peter broke the silence and gave a quick look to Tony's face before landing his eyes on his tea again, which seemed more interesting in that very moment.
Tony just let go a 'Mmh ' before speaking "I'm surprised that you stopped by, now when you're a world star" Commented Tony with an acid tone before sipping his tea. He didn't mean to be that rude, or did he? He just didn't like Peter becoming a pop star when he could do so much more than catchy songs. He has to admit though, that 'Sledgehammer' was no joke. It was cleverly arranged and he was sure that Peter was who did it all but he also was slightly angry with Peter for doing such a pop album. He knew that the music industry was changing but he didn't expect Peter to throw everything he believed in, musically speaking, out of the window like that.
Peter just frown slightly "Can you just say 'thanks'? Because I really enjoyed the album, Tony." Those words came out firm and serious. Very different from seconds ago and Tony noticed. "I specially loved 'In Too Deep'". And that was when Tony reacted different. With a certain fear of being discovered. Why? Why he liked that song? Of course he'd love that song, you are just too obvious Anthony. Though Tony. Actually, it was so obvious that he liked it because it was meant for him and seems that Peter somehow knew without knowing it.
"So, what are we going to talk about?" Asked Tony with deep voice still without saying something related to the album to Peter. He loved 'So' Oh, he loved it very much actually but, Peter didn't have to know that.
"Yes.. uhm.." That firmness and that seriousness that Peter had just seconds ago, just vanished. He remembered the topic that he wanted to talk about and just got blocked. It was, for him at least, a delicate topic. Of course Tony wouldn't understand it at first that's why he was searching for the right words and since it became too difficult talking to Tony he had so choose them very carefully. "Well, you know that we didn't actually talked about our feelings in Genesis' days but I think that you might want to know how I feel now that we have been apart for quite long. The truth is that maybe it sounds a little dramatic but-"
"Can you please go straight to the point?" Asked Tony anxiously but at the same time not realising how mean that sounded.
Peter just opened his eyes a little bit surprised and then he focus them in his tea again, feeling small and a little embarrassed for not being able to express himself in the proper way but also he felt somewhat offended with Tony for rushing him that way, did Tony forget that he always talked like that when he was nervous? He just forgot Peter had trouble with expressing himself? He probably was exaggerating about it but he just felt like Tony didn't knew him anymore. He just sighed with sadness but maybe he should try it again, after all they, supposedly, were talking so he needed to make his point clear.
Tony saw the exact moment when Peter felt offended, it was a quick glance seconds before to look down to his cup of tea and suddenly something didn't feel right with him. Something in his eyes just went off. Fuck, he didn't mean to do that, he was just nervous about what Peter was going to say so he just rushed him in a anxiety move to end with this torture that was waiting Peter to speak.
Tony just ran a hand through his hair in a frustrated manner, but no with Peter but with himself. He wanted to make it right with him tonight.
For some reason the song 'Tonight, Tonight, Tonight' started playing on his head, specially the part 'Coming down like a monkey' That one was meant for Peter too? He didn't know for sure but it probable was.
Peter just looked at Tony again, fixing his eyes in the others' before the keyboardist broke the connection. "It is hard to say because, it hurts." Peter finally let it go. He paused and sighed heavily "...It hurts a lot, Tony" Peter has a particular way to say his name that he always loved but this one sounded different to Tony. This one sounded frustrated and sad.
He wasn't expecting to meet this side of Peter. The side that always made him regret every single thing he had possibly done to make Peter sad because the last thing he ever wanted was making him miserable. He didn't deserve that, Peter was like a ray of sunshine to him, but it seems that Tony always end up doing that, making Peter sad.
"Why, Tony?" Asked Peter again, breaking the silence in which Tony was supposed to say something to Peter but then, he failed him again.
"Why what?" Replied Tony regretting it as soon as he opened his mouth. He sounded even more mean, like if he was in a kind of defensive mood and maybe he was.
"Why you were ignoring me all this time? Why you pretend that I don't exist? Why are you trying to push me away from your life, Tony?" Tony was looking at the floor but then he quickly look up to meet those blue eyes that unfortunately had tears. Tony could never push Peter away from his life because it will become empty. He wish he could say that to Peter.
Peter knew that he was being a little dramatic, but that's how he always had been. Besides, it was true and it was hurting him deeply so if he showed how hurt he was, maybe Tony would react and try to work it out.
"Peter, it is impossible for me to ignore you and so much less now that you're a star" Said Tony cursing in his mind. Why he was being so harsh? Maybe it could be the nervousness before Peter's sorrow.
"Then why, Tony?. All I want to do is fix our relationship, being friends again and it seems that all you want to do is trying to not see me again and-.."
"Maybe because I cannot bare that you're not mine anymore..."
Peter stopped in his tracks. Eyes wide open, blinking while his gaze fixed on Tony's that for the first time, he held his gaze on Peter's eyes, looking straight into them, getting lost in them.
"Tony what-.." Peter whispered but Tony cut him off again, he did it quick because he was having a wave of bravery and he knew he wasn't going to get it again.
"When I hear you or see you doing what you're doing now, I used to wonder why you weren't like that in Genesis, but then I always remember that it was mainly my fault" Peter opened his mouth to say something, probably try to contradict him but Tony spoke again. "There were times I wished that you would come back, but deep down I knew you were not going to, because you will again become the caged bird that is just meant to sing and look pretty" Peter couldn't believe his ears and Tony couldn't believe his mouth. He was actually getting his feelings off his chest. "I realised that I was holding the key of your cage, Peter, and I prefer you to be free and happy, even if it not by my side. Even if it hurts me"He said attempting to hold Peter's hand but he regret his choice at the very last second. "I couldn't bare that you weren't by my said anymore. That you left me, and even though I knew I still had Steve and the guys, when you left, it felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, completely lost." He sighed "Still, that is not an excuse for what I did to you these past years"
His head, again, the situation made him think of the song 'Domino/ In The Glow of The Night'. It could be that maybe not just 'In Too Deep' was meant for Peter but the whole album?
Peter just blushed and he wanted to smile, endeared to what Tony just said but he didn't, because the statement itself was serious and he should keep treating it as such. But he also felt a relief and a weight was taken off his chest by hearing those words from Tony. Even if what he just said could be weird for some people, for Peter was a declaration of pure love because is not what he said, is what he meant by that. He showed that he cared for Peter's feelings and for his happiness and that was something that Tony never showed to him before, until today.
Peter admired how Tony was looking at some corner of the room, probably thinking in what he just said, which was a big declaration for him. He just opened his heart again to Peter, like in the old days, when they first met. That reminded him of something that he used to do when that happened.
In the old days, Peter would teach Tony how to be more open with people so he could express his ideas properly. So each time that Tony expressed an idea or a feeling that he was having in a way that Peter could understand, he would rewarded him with a kiss on his cheek. Tony never complained about those kisses, in fact, he tried to be open more often in order to receive them and it seemed that Tony just opened his chest with Peter. He told him how he really felt about him in a way that the singer understood perfectly.
So, what happened was that Peter just inclined to Tony and kissed his cheek, pressing his lips on that soft cheek that Peter had missed. He held his lips in that position for a few seconds before breaking it, making it a long kiss hoping that Tony would remember.
Of course Tony remembers, he couldn't forget the touch of Peter's on his cheek. Automatically remembering every single time the other's lips gave him a caressing sweet reward because of his brave decision of exposing his feelings, in other words, opening his chest more than the usual; he was sure it was one of those kisses and feeling the warmness of the nostalgic situation. Knowing that Peter, indeed, remembered.
Again, Tony's mind started to work as a some kind of jukebox and some bits of 'Throwing It All Away' were going around his head.
Peter just smiled to him and they were so close that Tony could swear that smile went straight to his soul, making it ache with tenderness.
None of them have really expected being caught in this situation again, it was so overwhelming but exciting, more for Peter, he was thrilled, butterflies in his stomach at the realisation of how close he was, almost bringing his lips on the keyboardist's nose.
The singer couldn't resist and Tony knew he couldn't. Kisses on the nose were always Peter's best skill.
It was so much his skill, that when Peter after the last little kiss on the nose and trying to get away from Tony's face and give him his personal space back, Tony, as an act of inertia, his lips seemed to have life on their own and went after a quick chase of Peter's lips by leaning forward as Peter leaned backwards, but he stopped in his tracks when he realised that he actually tried to kiss him. He didn't know why he did that, he just lost control for a hot second and his body became primitive enough to follow what he heart seemed to desire and that, clearly, was a kiss from Peter. Tony found himself dazzled by his thoughts but he was even more dazzled by Peter's eyes. They were fixed on Tony's, occasionally lowering them down to keyboardist's lips and lifting them again. They were wide open and his face had a surprised expression with a lopsided smile, showing the singer's amazement of Tony's spontaneous move.
"Do that again" Peter sighed as he leaned closer to Tony again, leaving a kiss on Tony's nose again.
"Do what?" Tony asked playing the fool, hoping that Peter didn't notice what just happened to him, but of course the singer did, Tony was just challenging his luck but as soon as Peter's lips left his nose, he found himself doing the exact same chase he did earlier.
"That" Peter said and Tony, still not knowing exactly why, did what he was asked but in the moment he approached the singer, Peter took both sides of his ex-bandmate and gently kissed him. Peter felt butterflies fly not just inside his stomach but inside his whole body making his cheeks blush and sure he was feeling them heating up.
He was having little flashback of all the times something like this happened. Both of them were worryingly shy but it seemed that Peter always made the first move, because he knew Tony wasn't going to, but not because he didn't want him back, but because Tony always had trouble with his feelings.
This is wrong, very wrong. This is going to be a downfall for both. Tony though slowly closing his eyes, surrendering, as he felt how those lips started to press harder as they moved. Peter's cotton-touched lips didn't change a bit. Soft and warm as they always were... it felt exactly like the very first time he kissed the singer.
Deep connection they had, they always had. Ever since they met eyes in the hallways of the school or when Peter first talked to him, he remembered well how he felt a feeling of belonging that he never could explain, a feeling of being at home everytime Peter talked to him or looked at him. Is not that he was a gloomy person when younger but when Peter used to sit next to him, he felt as if the very sun sat there, with his warmth and sunny laugh. Tony started to feel like a complete idiot for everything he did to Peter these past years, ignoring, or trying to ignore, how vital he was.
And hoping that Peter could understand all the thoughts and nostalgia that was crossing his mind, he slowly grabbed Pete's wrists and pull him closer, kissing him with more hunger stealing a little gasp from Peter.
Both of them cursed Phil on their minds, because they both knew he had all planned from the moment Peter knocked the door. Phil knew Tony would be listening, he made sure he said Peter's name loud enough, and, by saying all those things, Tony would react.
Also, they both knew that this was not going to last. But at least this little moment could repair all the damage done.
When they broke the kiss, their hands were still trembling, and, feeling like teenagers, they smiled to each other in a very shy and familiar way.
They didn't say anything else. Peter just got up from the bed, still smiling and Tony followed every move. They knew it was the best for both.
"Peter?" Tony called softly before the singer could close the door, stopping him in between Tony's room and the hallway of the hotel.
"Yes, Tony?" His head went back to look at Tony who had his signature 'almost-smile' on his lips. Peter remembered all those times when that 'almost-smile' was meant for him.
"I liked 'That Voice Again' " He admitted openly and loud. Finally he felt free enough to actually complimenting Peter and one of his songs.
Peter froze for a few seconds staring at Tony. "That one? How peculiar" Said Peter putting his finger on his chin making Tony's smile dissappear now being replaced as a worried frown. "Because it is for you" He smiled and a shine of love was reflected in his eyes making the confession real for Tony. Then, the keyboardist smiled again.
Everything that Tony needed was in the light on Peter's eyes, and also everything that Tony could ever need.
This time, Tony was the one who made the move and it was about time to. The keyboardist just leaned to Peter, grabbing him by his neck, Tony placed a soft kiss on the singer's cheek, leaving his lips there for a few second for release him slowly. Tony let him go slowly enough to see how the a strong blush was reaching Peter's cheeks.
And then, there was Tony, alone again in his big room all by himself feeling a little empty now. He was looking at the closed door thinking and admiring how Peter easily admitted that his song was meant for him without feeling embarrassed or ashamed or without even doubt it. He just said it, bright and honest, almost proud that himself was Peter's inspiration, saying it with a sweet, very tender touch that made Tony's heart start pound loudly.
The lonely keyboardist just kept looking at the door, now wishing he wasn't such a coward but instead that he could have told Peter that the song he liked so much, the song in which Tony put his heart on, was for him.
No, Tony wished he could have said that actually great part of the album was for him and Tony just realised that now. All the songs, the lyrics and the arrangements were for Peter and only Peter.
"We can't live together... but we can't live apart" Tony muttered getting under the sheets of his bed, where Pete sat moments ago. Peter made him feel free, but that feeling of freedom was the singer's cage.