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he’s better now. he’s okay. he’s healed. so why does it feel like he can’t catch his breath. it’s normal, sex, clean up, sleep. dream can follow that pattern so well, he’s sleeping. they cleaned up.
so why can’t he breathe. why can he feel tears running down his cheeks. he got over this, years of trying and pain and breakdowns but he got the routine down and he was okay with it.
sex, clean up, sleep.
so why the hell can’t he sleep. he didn’t need the big aftercare he used to get because he’s better now.
he’s supposed to be better now.
so why is he turning to face away from dream, why does sit in silence while he cries. he could wake dream he knows he can, dream won’t get mad, he’s not like him, but the fear of being yelled at still haunts sapnap.
so he gets out of the warmth of his bed, and with one last glance and how peaceful and warm and comforting his lover looks he turns to walk to their bathroom connected to their room.
the light flickers on as he shades his eyes from the brightness, he ignores the mirror and stares at the bath.
he remembers dream insisting on buying it because it was big enough for both of them to fit.
~‘sap please look how big it is, imagine the fun we could have in there.’ he stared in awe as if he’d never seen such a perfect bathtub
‘fun, dream, what fun are two grown adults gonna have in a bathtub?’ he turned his head to face sapnap instead of the tub he had no plan of leaving this store without
‘so you’re saying you never want to just relax in a bath with me, or by yourself.’ he got closer to sapnaps ear ‘you’re gonna tell me you’ve never thought of bath sex or having aftercare in that, it’s perfect.’ the word sex was hard for sapnap but, dream didn’t know that so he held in his cringe
‘no, dream, in fact was not thinking of sex when you told me we need a new bathtub you freak. but seriously get what you want.’~
he’s thankful for that tub now and some of the memories it holds, others not so much.
that tub has seen everything, tears, blood, breakdowns, bubbles, laughs, relaxing nights with candles, and even as dream guessed sex.
he wasn’t sure why he came into the bathroom, or what he’s going to do now that he’s in here. but he does find himself slowly walking to the cabinet where they kept clothes for after baths for early nights when aftercare was something sapnap needed in large amounts.
but he doesn’t need that now. he’s just cold and naked. this isn’t for comfort. or at least that’s what he tells himself.
he finds sweats and a baggy shirt to throw on then slowly slides down the wall and sits there as he cries.
he shouldn’t be crying he’s better. why can’t he just feel better. it’s been months since felt this, it’s not fair, it’s not his fault he was forced into things, it’s not his fault.
so why does he feel like he can’t breathe again, and why does he feel like he’s back in that shitty apartment trying to clean up the blood and bruises while his ex slept peacefully unaware.
no. he was aware. he knew what he was doing, he’s not there anymore and it wasn’t his fault. he tries to calm himself down but he just cries harder. if it wasn’t his fault why wasn’t dream here. why is he alone. why is he so scared.
while sapnap sat in the bathroom dream slowly woke up trying to refind the warmth he had lost.
he turns to hold sapnap closer but he’s met with a bed full of nothing other then himself. he slowly blinks his eyes open.
he lets out a soft ‘sap?’ into the darkness getting no answer he sits up and looks around for the young man, when he finds no sight of him he turns to look toward the bathroom and sees a small glow of the light underneath the door.
and dream shouldn’t panic, he could be peeing or changing. he would have woke dream if he wasn’t okay. he promised he’d try. he’d try that’s all dream wanted knowing that it was hard for him to even ask for simple things at times.
so dream does panic and gets up grabbing sweats and a hoodie before he makes his way to the bathroom door.
he slowly opens the door to see a crying sapnap sitting against the wall holding himself knees up to his chest.
it’s been a while since this happened he not sure how to approach him because he didn’t watch him slip, damn it he was asleep while his boyfriend wasn’t doing okay. he didn’t know where to start.
he has clothes on that’s good, but he hasn’t seemed to notice dream standing by the door yet.
‘hey sap, you okay baby?’ that’s how he decided to start but he doesn’t get anything back not a look not a nod, just silence.
so it’s pretty bad, how did he not realize, how could he have been so foolish.
but he slowly makes his way in front of sapnap and very carefully puts his hands onto sapnaps knees while crouched in front of him.
his finally gets a reaction, his eyes flick up to dreams and he can see the sadness and fear in his eyes, it breaks his heart knowing sapnap had gotten so far and he’s going beat his mind over this.
‘hi baby, are you with me?’ in the softest voice he could muster up he asks
he only get a small nod as he watched his eyes fill with more tears
‘dream.’ was all he heard before he switched their position so he was against the wall him sapnap on his lap curled into his chest
‘you’re so perfect, it’s going to be okay, i’m right here i’m not going anywhere my love, i promise.’
after a while a hushed praises and words of protection and love sapnap finally found a way to breathe properly and calm his tears, he looked to dream and as their eyes met he felt the need to apologize so he did.
‘i’m sorry, i, i didn’t mean to fall apart like this and, and i know that we worked on it, but and i, i’m sorry.’ he tucked himself back into dreams chest not feeling like he could bare to see dream’s disappointment in him.
but what he didn’t see was how dreams eyes softened and held him closer.
‘sapnap. you have no reason to ever, and i mean ever apologize to me about this. the reason you feel this way is not your fault and you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.’ his voice was so soft it almost made sapnap cry harder because dream loved him and cared, he wasn’t going to hurt him.
‘thank you.’ was all he got out, he wanted to tell dream how much he loved him and how much he meant to him but it was hard, and he knew dream understood him because he got a soft
‘i love you too, my love.’ in return.
after a few moments of silence dream spoke, ‘do you want to take a bath or do you want to go lay down?’
after contemplating his options he felt that bathing would make him feel worse for his setback, and he just now was realizing how heavy his eyes felt.
‘i wanna go to bed.’
‘okay, we can do that.’ he lifted sapnaps face out of his chest by his chin, ‘do you want to walk or do you want me to carry you.’
sapnap knew dream meant it in a simple gesture but, he wasn’t how he used to be he didn’t need dream to do everything for him, he could talk and walk.
‘baby, i can hear you thinking from here. you can walk if you want, but carrying you won’t set you back to the beginning of where we were, you know that right?’ and sapnap wish he did know that but he just couldn’t. he wouldn’t let himself think that because he’s better.
he shook his head as he looked at dream.
‘oh, my love, a setback doesn’t remove all the progress you made, i promise you that. look, you’re talking and moving and you let me hold you. that’s ten times better than how we were before and that’s so amazing and i’m so incredibly proud of you. so please just let me carry you to our bed and we can watch so dumb anime you love so much and rest, you need to give that pretty little head of yours a break.’ he looked back down to sapnap as tears fell down his face
‘no, no baby, your anime isn’t dumb i’m sor-‘
‘that’s not why i’m crying, you said you're proud of me, and it’s stupid but i think that means more to me then anything you’ve ever said.’ he sniffed at the end of his sentence ‘come on carry me to bed my dear.’
so dream did and he whispered how much he loved sapnap and how proud of him he was the whole way there and while they picked out their anime of choice and even while sapnaps eyes slowly fell closed
and if that was the first night sapnap had used the words i love you, without crying, or with a fear in his heart then that’s for him to know and dream to silently be overjoyed about as the love of his life fell asleep.