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“I will retire to meditate now. Under these circumstances it would be wise to take every moment of rest we can acquire,” T’Rina said, rising from her seat in Discovery’s crew lounge. “Thank you for taking the time to sit with me, Mr. Saru.”
Mr. Saru bowed his head and clicked his throat in a way that expressed shy delight over their shared time. Rising himself from his seat as well, T’Rina was once again reminded of his height. As always Mr. Saru carried himself with a certain elegance that sometimes made him appear even taller than he was, amplifying his gravitas and sincerity that she admired.
“Perhaps,” T’Rina continued after a short pause in which she weighed her words carefully, “you would like to join me for a cup of tea in my quarters before we take our rest?” She had to crane her head to be able to look into his startling blue eyes as she prayed to the gods that her voice would not betray how much she hoped he would once again accept her offer, that the desperation she carried on the inside would not translate to the outside.
A smile, warm and welcoming, was his response. “I would like that very much,” he said and with an inviting hand gesture he led her towards the exit of the lounge.
The ship was asleep at this time. Only rarely did another crew member cross their path on their way to her quarters. At every corner she caught herself quickly making sure that he was still at her side. He always was, with every turn they took he was walking even closer next to her, and as if he noticed her concern he gently placed a hand on the small of her back to reassure her that he was with her every step of the way.
He did not remove his hand until they entered her quarters.
The rooms she had been given, guest quarters as they were, were bleak, impersonal. They could have been anyone’s quarters, hadn’t it been for the faint scent of red spice tea she had brought onto the ship and that she prepared each morning and sometimes in the evening.
As she quickly scanned the room, finding it as empty and cold - despite the environmental controls being set for her comfort - as she remembered, the thought that a small potted plant or perhaps some sort of vine would look delightful on the small ledge over her bed crossed her mind, causing her lips to curl into a small smile. Clearly, Mr. Saru’s presence had left an imprint on her opinion on interior design.
“I apologize, I cannot offer you any salt tea at the moment, we left in such a hurry I was barely able to pack at least a small reserve of red spice,” she said as she walked over to the shelf where she kept her more than pitiful current collection of tea.
“No need for apologies. As you may remember I tried red spice when we came to Ni’Var. It certainly has an… interesting taste, but one I have learned to enjoy.”
Her heart, numb with fear and at the same time aching from trepidation about the mission and the safety of her planet, suddenly came alive again. He remembered the tea they shared after diplomatic matters on Ni’Var had been resolved. And he had made it his motive to acquire the taste of red spice, even though it had been rather unpleasant for him the first time he tried it. A comforting warmth spread through her body following his words.
T’Rina prepared two cups of tea, the only non-replicated item being the tea itself, and served it between their cushions on the floor. She would have preferred to serve and drink the tea from the beautiful handmade earthenware she used back home, but the current situation made that impossible.
They drank in silence, both preoccupied with their own thoughts, yet she was sure that had he not been in the room with her she would not have been so calm, even though she would have been deep in her meditation by now.
“Perhaps I should leave you to your meditation now,” Mr. Saru said suddenly as if he had caught a glimpse of her mind, and he rose gracefully from the cushion. “Unless there is anything else I can help you with to ease your mind?”
“No,” she said too quickly as she rushed into a standing position. His words had come in such a surprise that she needed a moment to process them all and her mouth already formed a reply to the first part before she could notice her mistake. She did not wish for him to leave.
Mr. Saru clicked his throat in surprise about her stronger than usual reaction, his head slightly cocked to one side.
“I- I apologize. I meant to say -“ What had she meant to say? Don’t go yet? I cannot bear being alone at this moment? May I hold your hand? Or perhaps, would you hold me for a moment as I find your touch comforting as well? Whatever it had been, it sounded foolish in her mind.
“It is not of import,” she clumsily finished her sentence.
His eyes softened. “Do you remember the time I asked you for help with settling my mind with the thresh-tor kashek meditation and found it difficult to concentrate for all the things that occupied my mind at that moment?”
She nodded. How could she forget? She had been thinking about him just when he had called her out of the blue. It had been the call where she had been so forward as to offer to share a meal with him.
“I expressed the notion that my personal feelings, in the light of grander things, seemed rather unimportant. Do you remember what you replied?”
A hint of a smile played around her lips as she recalled the exchange. “I believe I said ‘such feelings are always of import’.”
“Indeed.” Mr. Saru, considering his words, clicked again, a sound T’Rina had learned to love and again, find comfort in. “Right now you seem to be the one who is plagued by personal and no doubt professional thoughts as well. You say they are not of import, but they are… They are of great import… to me.” He appeared almost surprised at his own words, clicking softly as surprise turned to conviction. “If there is anything I can do to… facilitate this situation for you, please do not hesitate to ask.”
Warmth washed over her as if she was standing too close to a bonfire and the wave hit her so hard it almost threw her off balance. His words, though surprising, were so carefully chosen, so heartfelt and honest. Even so she hesitated.
Her mind and heart both told her to ask him to stay for a while longer. Holding his hand earlier in the mess hall had done miracles to calm her mind. His hand on the small of her back on their way to her quarters had grounded her. His calming presence while they drank their tea had made her feel at ease.
“Thank you, Mr. Saru,” she finally said, her hands clasped in front of her stomach. She feared that asking for his extended company would be overstepping. They often seemed to miss the right moments where they could share a longer moment with each other, their busy schedules, or their personal feelings, preventing them from spending the time she wished to spend with him.
He did confess to her how much their friendship meant to him, that he could even imagine more than a friendship, a brave admission of feelings especially considering their situation. And it had been an admission that she did not know how to handle at that moment, and that she still hadn’t made up her mind about as she felt the well known pull between her duties as president of Ni’Var and her desire to have something else besides them. To what extent she wanted to take on the 'Something Else', she did not know. But she knew that whatever it would be, she hoped it would involve the man who was standing in front of her, still waiting for an answer with his hands anxiously pressed against his body.
He appeared a little lost, as if he was unsure of where he belonged in this setting. Finally, she came to a decision. If he was to reject her ask then so be it. Rejection was something she experienced every day, and if he were to reject her request she would simply have to live with it.
“When you suggested you should leave me to my meditation I did not want you to leave so soon. I am aware that we spent quite some time together this evening and I do not wish to prevent you from attending to any personal and professional duties, however…” She drew a shaky breath to brace herself for the words she was about to say. “If it fits your schedule and of course only if you wish to, I would… enjoy your company for a while longer.”
She did not believe it possible, but the expression on his face became even more tender. “Of course, Madam President. I, too, enjoy your company.”
She smiled tentatively, her heart feeling lighter immediately, her mind more at ease. Not experiencing the need to sit down on the floor cushion again as they had finished their tea, she took a seat on the edge of her bed.
He approached her with an air of confidence in his step, even though his hands were pressed against his torso, indicating slight uncertainty. “May I?” He asked, gesturing at the spot next to her on the bed.
“Of course,” she replied immediately, folding her hands in her lap as his tall figure settled down next to her.
They sat in silence for a moment. His acceptance of her invitation had surprised her more than she cared to admit, nevertheless, her surprise left her without a conversational topic for a moment. Not that silence was unusual or uncomfortable between them, after all, the times they meditated together had been very quiet. However, this was not a usual situation.
“When we received the news about Ni’Var and Earth I was in shock, perhaps I still am,” she finally began to speak, her thumb rubbing the back of her other hand in a soothing motion. “I am unsure how to manage this situation. My mind is in distress, yet meditation was of little help.” She looked up at him, searching for the assurance that she so often found in his eyes.
His gaze was trained on her, giving her his full attention. Despite their slightly awkward positioning on the edge of the bed he had turned himself to her as much as possible, appearing open to everything that she might lay onto him.
“I wish for the best of everyone, yet I am exceptionally concerned for my people on Ni’Var.” She had felt the pain of losing one’s planet through the mind meld with Mr. Booker, she had mourned for him, with him. The pain had been devastating and it had taken several days of intensive meditation for her to regain her normal state of mind. The thought of Ni’Var following Kwejian in a field of debris in space made it increasingly difficult to focus on other matters.
“I believe it is natural to be first and foremost concerned for those closer to us,” Mr. Saru said, his soothing voice taking away part of the guilt she felt. “I cannot imagine what this news must have done to you, Madam President. I have not lost my planet, but I lost my time. When I came to Keminar after almost a millennium I found my home entirely transformed. It was a loss, in a way… Yet I realize that this is an unsuitable comparison.”
“No, it is not. As you said, it is a loss. One you experienced. Mine is still in the future. It is illogical to cloud one's mind with a loss that has not occurred yet and that might still be avoided.” It was so easy to open up to him, too easy almost. “I apologize for burdening you with all of this.”
“It is never a burden to hear about your thoughts,” he said, and the way he leaned closer just for a moment only underlined his words. “Especially if speaking about them is of help to you I am more than happy to serve as an attentive audience for you.”
Her tongue betrayed her for a moment and remained silent, despite the words of gratitude that coursed through her mind. All she could do was give him a smile to indicate her appreciation for his words. This was another thing that was so much easier in his presence. Oh, how grateful she was that all the circumstances, as tedious as they had been, had aligned in a way that had led to their encounter. From different worlds, from different times, they came together to face the biggest galactic catastrophe together.
Mr. Saru cleared his throat and broke eye contact as if he felt embarrassment. Whether it was because of his own words or the way she looked at him, which she hoped wasn’t giving away too many of her thoughts, she could not tell.
“Ah, whenever I face a great deal of… emotions that I find difficult to control, I like to think back to my childhood,” he said, picking up their conversation again. “I often find that ways that helped me with these emotions when I was a child or adolescent still help me today.”
“And what is it that helped you in situations such as these?” T’Rina asked, her curiosity sparked by the thought of a young Saru on Kaminar 900 years ago. Such a different planet, a different time. It fascinated her. He fascinated her.
“Ah, I- I often sought the comfort of my friends and family. Kelpiens are very…” He cleared his throat again, apparently made slightly uncomfortable by the topic, but willing to go on. “Very physical people. We show our affections through physical touch, by embracing someone, touching someone’s forehead, holding someone’s hand…” His eyes flickered briefly towards her, then he averted them again as soon as he noticed that her eyes were still on him.
She could not imagine something more reassuring than listening to Mr. Saru describing how he liked to express his sentiment.
“It was always a great comfort for me to be held by my father, my sister, or my friends. Now I look for comfort with my family here on Discovery . And with Su’Kal.”
“I am glad you have found a sort of… surrogate family here, especially since you are so far from your original time.”
He smiled. “As am I. I did not expect to forge such… pleasant connections in the 31st century.”
She almost blushed, almost. She was certain he meant his ward Su’Kal with the ‘pleasant connections’, yet he had used the plural, which could have been unintentional, but the way he looked at her now, with eyes of pure adoration, led her to believe otherwise.
“As did I not expect to have a group of people who lived 900 years ago to play such a big role in my life.” It was a crude reply to his eloquent words, but it was the only thing her mind could produce with her heart beating as quickly as it did. How badly she wished she could take his hand into hers, feel his skin under her fingers, feel his emotions gently seep into her mind…
“Was there anything comparable in your… past?” He didn’t say ‘childhood’, but she knew that this was what he meant. “Anything that might be applicable today?”
T’Rina allowed her mind to wander for a moment, to go back to the time many decades ago, growing up in a small village with both Vulcans and Romulans around, she was reminded of her straightforward Romulan grandmother who, as she suddenly remembered, also gave the warmest hugs.
A memory surfaced and took her back to when she was a child and had hurt her knee while playing with her sehlat in her grandmother’s garden. She had cried a bit, this had been in the early days of the training of her mind. Her grandmother had first taken care of her knee, then, as the physical pain was gone she embraced her, and while she held her she traced the lines of T’Rina’s face with her index finger: her brows, the bridge of her nose, her cheekbones, her jaw… All that she did while humming the tune of her favorite song.
The memory hit her so abruptly and so intensely that she did not notice how long the silence had grown following Mr. Saru’s question until she felt him shift slightly in his seat.
“I-” She straightened her back and snapped back into the present. “Ordinarily I use meditation as a way to deal with strong emotions. At times when it was difficult for me to focus on my own I asked first my parents, later my sister for help, similar to what I have done for you. I have found this to be the most logical and most efficient way, and I have not required the help of others in a long time, which makes my incapacity to meditate at this challenging time even more aggravating. Before I acquired these skills I do not remember how I managed situations like these, except one time…”
Before she could stop herself she told the memory of her grandmother to Mr. Saru, who’s expressions softened with every word she spoke.
“I, ah, thank you, for sharing this memory with me,” Mr. Saru said once she finished talking. Despite her fear that she had volunteered far too much information about herself far too soon, he didn’t appear irritated at all. “You seem to cherish this memory greatly.”
“I do,” she replied. “I- I have not thought of my grandmother in a long time. But as far as I can remember, I cherish all memories of her. She was an extraordinary woman. Kind, but strong- willed. It was unwise to get on her wrong side, as she did not hesitate to speak her mind or take action.” She looked up at him, realizing that she let herself get carried away by her memories. “Apologies. I did not wish to bore you with tales about my grandmother, although there are many.”
“You could never bore me by talking about anything you cherish,” Mr. Saru said, his voice lower than usual. “It is a… privilege to hear you speak about these things. Perhaps… there are more memories similar to this one that you treasure? They seem to have a… positive effect on your state of mind.”
“It is not only the memories that have a positive effect on me.” The words fell off her lips before she could catch them. He clicked softly, his eyes flickering back and forth between her face and his hands on his thighs.
Certain that she was blushing she lowered her head, which helped little with hiding the tips of her ears, nor the side of her face that was still turned towards him. No matter how much she wished she had her tongue under her control and not spoken those words, she could not deny their truthfulness. Her exhaustion and general unrest made her face things that she would have suppressed under normal circumstances. But these were not normal circumstances. Maybe it was time for an anormal approach.
“Mr. Saru,” she said, hoping that he wouldn't notice the shaking of her voice as she reached out to brush her fingers over the back of his hand. His whole body stiffened under her touch, yet she felt no aversion to the gesture, and, as if not believing what she had done he slowly looked up from her hand to meet her eyes. “Thank you,” she said with the most sincerity and fondness she could allow herself to express.
“I- ah…” He swallowed, still not moving as if he feared she would withdraw her hand at the lightest twitch of him. “What for?”
“For asking the right questions. For… giving me your time.”
“It is my pleasure, Madam President. I only hope that my questions were not too intrusive. I do not wish to overstep.”
She could not help but grow more fond of Mr. Saru at this moment, could not help but brush her fingers over the ridges on the back of his hand, could not help but lean closer to him just slightly. She wished she could tell him that his questions were never intrusive, that he could never overstep…
She was not sure if he had heard her thought through the tentative touch of their skin, but an unexpected surge of confidence hit her before he suddenly leaned much closer to brush his forehead against hers, just slightly at first, then, as she leaned into the touch he nuzzled against her with even more confidence.
A sigh escaped her lips as she was surrounded by softness warmth touch insecurity fondness worry adoration.
His mind gently lapped against hers, not intruding, simply making its presence known, giving her access to his unshielded self.
She felt him smile, felt herself being drawn even more towards both his mind and his body. Then several things things happened in a short period of time: He slightly rubbed his forehead against hers - undoubtedly bringing her hair into disarray -, she moved closer to him on the edge of her bed, trying to decide what form of contact would be acceptable,just for her fingers to lose touch with his hand, a loss she mourned deeply, but one that was relieved immediately as she felt his arms around her waist a moment later. Somehow her hands ended up against his chest where she felt his heart beating hard against her fingers.
A spark of excitement coursed through her body, so strong that she was unsure whether it was her own or his or maybe both their emotions enmeshed into one.
I am holding her .
She smiled at his thought, nuzzling her forehead even further against his, thoroughly enjoying this way of showing affection. He was holding her. She was being held by him. Finally. Finally .
She was unsure of how much of her thoughts were being translated into his mind as her shields were weak, permeable, her thoughts hard to control. But it seemed as if Mr. Saru was particularly perceptive which was immediately confirmed as he lifted his head and looked at her, his warm eyes finding hers once again.
“Is… this something you wished for earlier this evening?” His voice sounded almost hoarse.
She could feel the heat that had barely had time to subside rise back into her cheeks and the tips of her ears. Was she this easy to read? Or was it the sense of familiarity she felt with Mr. Saru that allowed him to read her more easily than others did?
“It was… one of the things that had crossed my mind,” she admitted bashfully.
Nothing could have prepared her for what came next. “I had hoped you would ask,” he whispered and pressed his lips onto her forehead, on the exact spot where his forehead had touched hers just moments ago, just where her hairline ended above her brows.
soft warm embrace warm insecurity warm hold her hold her feel her touch her eternal
As her breath hitched her mind tried to rationalize what she was feeling, tried to count how many years it had been since someone kissed her on the forehead with no other intention than doing just that. “You… you wished for this too?” She asked, even though everything she received from him spoke for itself. Her forehead seemed to burn pleasantly where his lips had touched her.
“As I mentioned before, I grew up in a culture where physical touch is… all around. I understand that not everyone is comfortable with it the way I am, and as our rapport developed I accepted that no matter where this would lead it would be… different from any other… relationships I had had in the past or that I had envisioned for me in the future… Yet, despite all my respect to you and your culture, I could not help but hope for a moment in which I… was allowed to hold you.”
She hoped the light was dimmed enough to hide the blush flourishing on her cheeks and ears. His eyes flickered to exactly those parts, destroying her hopes, but the smile lighting up his features was enough to make her forget her embarrassment. He had hoped to hold her. He had been thinking about their relationship, he had been thinking about how it could progress, what it might look like in the future. She would be lying if she said these thoughts hadn’t crossed her mind, more than she cared to admit, but hearing it from him…
“I… I grew up quite differently. And I am sure you are aware of the role physical touch plays in our culture, and has done so for centuries...” She felt his grip around her loosening, and immediately she leaned more into his touch, searching for the contact she was not willing to give up yet. “Which does not mean,” she added quickly, “that I do not enjoy… this. I do. Very much so. It feels…” Continuing to demonstrate her incapability to express herself this particular evening she was lost for words once again.
The way he pulled her just marginally closer, his hands splayed over her back and hips, applying a wonderful pressure that was both new and yet felt familiar, it all inspired a deep feeling of truth in her, as if this was something that was simply supposed to be, that she always knew was right, that being here with him was where she belonged.
Noticing her struggle to find the right words he leaned down to meet her forehead with his own again. Gratefully she accepted the touch, perhaps this way she was able to express at least a fraction of the joy towards him, the gratitude, the feeling of belonging.
“I hope this is not too much,” she asked with trembling lips as her mind reached out and her emotions spilled over to him. Her defenses were at an all time low, her usually orderly mind in chaos, and he had no mental training, nothing that would prepare him for this…
His breath shivered slightly as a reaction to their minds connecting through their touch. He seemed to catch her, all of her, all she gave and opened up to him. He caught her, even held her together, his mind embracing her even without a meld, and her concern was swept away by his understanding, warmth, affection.
One of his hands left her back, she felt him raise it as if to cup her face, but reconsidering mid-movement, gently setting his hand down on her shoulder instead. She knew that holding someone’s face was another form of showing affection for Kelpiens, a more intimate form, one she found herself curious to experience one day.
Perhaps he had remembered how sensitive the Vulcan face was, perhaps he was afraid of going too far. She felt his insecurity, felt her own indecisiveness of how far she wished to take this. Eventually she decided to allow herself one more step forward, one that might result in a compromise that would put neither of them into an awkward position about their cultural differences.
“Since we are both enjoying this… perhaps you would like to remain like this while we lay down? As I mentioned quite a while ago it would be wise to get some rest. But I understand if you would like to take your respite in your own quarters.”
affection, joy, excitement, nervousness were just a few of the feelings that hit her from him following her request. The amount of unfiltered emotions was significant, yet she did not mind experiencing them. On the contrary, they were a welcome exchange, a fresh wind opening her mind to new things.
“I… would feel-” honored.
She lifted her head to look at him. Most of his mind made sense to her despite the vastness and disorder, but honored? Why would he feel honored? she thought slightly bemused.
“I would enjoy that very much,” he quickly scrambled, shyness creeping back onto his face.
Unable to stop smiling, which in turn seemed to ease Mr. Saru's mind, she slowly withdrew from the embrace to take off her shoes and lay back on the mattress. He followed her suit, and only now it occurred to her that he usually slept on a mossy surface, but before she could voice her concerns for his comfort he had already wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against his chest. She drew even closer, finding a comfortable position in his arms. It had been a long time since she shared her bed with someone but as soon as she found her back pressed against his chest she found it hard to imagine that she had done so long without this. Despite their vastly different figures they seemed to fit quite neatly against each other, a feeling that was only amplified when he pressed a kiss on the top of her head, making her stomach tighten and her heartbeat quicken.
She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, and felt him do the same. Discovery’s air that sometimes appeared stale to her did not bother her tonight. Nothing could bother her at this moment. Nothing…
Except the still pressing issue of the DMA, the species 10-C, and the danger to Ni’Var and Earth. Despite the feeling of safety caused by his arm wrapped tightly around her and his breath in her hair she could feel these concerns creep back into her mind.
He must have picked up on the change in her since a moment later he started humming a low tune, unknown to her, but the melody sounded so strange to her that she assumed that it was an old Kelpien song. The vibration of his chest was transmitted to her body, soothing her, as his voice soothed her mind. It was as if he was blocking out the thoughts that she had been trying to control all evening, simply by humming.
She shuffled in his arms, turned onto her back and craned her head to watch him as he continued to hum. She needed to see his face, needed to make sure that it was really him, that this was not a dream. He had his eyes closed, his hand now resting on her stomach, close to where her heart was beating so hard in her side she was sure he must have been able to feel it. The tune coming from him only stopped when he drew a new breath.
It touched her deeply that he remembered the memory she had shared earlier with him about her grandmother, there was no other explanation to why he was humming all of the sudden upon noticing her unrest. Her eyes wandered over the features of his face. Oh, how she loved observing him, tracing the lines of his face with her eyes. Sometimes she even caught herself watching him during meetings or assemblies, imagining how it would feel to touch his many ridges, before she had to remind herself of where she was.
“I believe it was your idea to get some sleep, Madam President,” he suddenly said and she realized that he had stopped humming although his eyes still remained closed.
“It was.”
“I was not aware that Vulcans sleep with their eyes open.” A small smile played around his lips and she could not help but to mirror the expression.
“We usually do not. However, there are times when we like to take one final look, may it be mental or physical, at what gave us joy that day.” It was more of a Romulan tradition, one she had learned from her grandmother, one that she rarely made use of as it only rarely seemed applicable. Tonight it was.
He opened his eyes, mouth half open as if contemplating an answer and not finding one. Strangely satisfied that she had been able to rob Mr. Saru - if temporarily - of his ability to speak she mused whether what she was about to do was too forward, but considering the boundaries they had tested all evening it seemed appropriate.
She turned onto her side to fully face him and lifted her hand to gently cup his face and brush her thumb over the sharp ridge on his cheek. “Good night, Mr. Saru,” she said, her voice as low as possible without whispering, and planted a kiss where her fingertip had been a moment before, a spot where Vulcan’s had one of their facial neural points.
As short as the kiss had been, the contact of skin was long enough to flood her once again with his emotions, and clearly Mr. Saru experienced many, many of them in the wake of this gesture.
She settled back into his arms, wrapping one arm around him, and felt him pulling her closer before he pressed a kiss on her forehead in response. She felt him smile against her forehead and felt his smile in her mind too, as his lips lingered for a moment. As she nuzzled into his touch he began humming again and to the sound of his voice she finally found herself succumbing to sleep.