Chapter Text
1. INT. SIMPSONS’ TV ROOM
Bart and Lisa are sitting on the sofa waiting for the final episode of The Krusty the Clown Show to begin.
BART
Man, I can’t believe we’re about to watch the last ever episode of Krusty’s show. I never thought it would actually happen.
LISA
There’s no way a show that’s run for so long can have an ending that’ll satisfy everyone.
BART
Nah, but it’s worth a try. Hey Mom, do you mind grabbing me a Butterfinger? The show’s about to start.
2. INT. KITCHEN
Marge is washing dishes while Homer drinks a Duff beer at the dining table.
MARGE
In a minute! It’s funny, Homie. I was just thinking about the first time Bart discovered Butterfingers down at the Kwik-E-Mart. (sighs) It just hasn’t been the same since Apu closed it down and moved back to India.
HOMER
Yeah. I always thought he was gonna leave it to one of his eight kids.
MARGE
I have an idea for what they can do with the building. After all, it’s just sitting there, empty and abandoned.
HOMER
Really, what?
MARGE
Well-
HOMER
Jeez, is that the time? Gotta get to work! There’s a rumor going around that Mr. Burns is gonna sell the power plant. And who knows what that could mean for my job!
MARGE
You’re just telling me this now?!
HOMER
Uh, yeah. Love you, dear. Later!
He pecks her on the cheek and runs out the door.
MARGE
Hmmmmm.
3. INT. TV ROOM, SOMETIME LATER
Itchy and Scratchy are on the TV. Their final epic battle draws to a close. With neither side victorious, they shake hands and go their separate ways. The scene cuts back to Krusty.
KRUSTY THE CLOWN
And there you have it! The last ever Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. Admittedly not that great but it was the best we could come up with. Well, that about wraps it up for me, boys and girls. But don’t worry. Because your old pal Sideshow Mel is being given his own spin-off.
SIDESHOW MEL
Yes! And it will be a postmodern deconstruction of children’s entertainment from a truly Freudian perspective!
KRUSTY
(grumbles) If only the network had given me one more year.
BART
Well, that’s a depressing note to end on.
LISA
Pretty much what I expected.
MARGE
Kids, don’t forget we have to pick up your gowns for graduation next week.
BART
Can I go commando under mine?
MARGE
Of course not!
BART
Damn!
On the TV, Kent Brockman appears.
KENT BROCKMAN
And as we say farewell to The Krusty the Clown Show, I am humbled to announce that I too will be stepping aside as your news anchor.
Marge, Bart and Lisa gasp.
KENT BROCKMAN
It’s been an interesting few decades, but all good things must come to an end. And you’ll be glad to know that my anchor chair is being filled by a familiar face, Arnie Pye.
ARNIE PYE
That’s right! I’m not Arnie Pye in the sky anymore. Now I’m Arnie Pye… the anchor guy!
KENT BROCKMAN
Hold on there, Arnie! I’ve just been handed the final breaking news bulletin of my career. Mayor Quimby has called an emergency meeting at City Hall. All Springfield residents are encouraged to attend.
MARGE
Ok, kids. It’s off to City Hall! We can pick up your gowns on the way back.
4. INT. SPRINGFIELD CITY HALL
City Hall’s auditorium is packed with the citizens of Springfield. Many of them are speculating about why they have been summoned there.
CLETUS
Hey Brandine, why’d you think the Mayor done call us all down here for?
BRANDINE
Cletus, I don’t know nothin’ about no politics. But I think my water done broke again.
CLETUS
Ok, whatever.
SEA CAPTAIN
Yaar, this meeting is taken’ precious time away from my beloved sinkin’ ship.
PROFESSOR FRINK
Excuse me, sir, but I take it you are speaking metaphorically, moohey.
SEA CAPTAIN
No! My ship is literally sinkin’. Sprung a leak last month. And I’m much too old to do anythin’ about it.
PROFESSOR FRINK
Well, if I may offer some expert advice on the subject-
SEA CAPTAIN
Shut yer trap, ye little weasel!
PROFESSOR FRINK
Oh glavin!
RAINER WOLFCASTLE
Why am I here when I could be shooting McBain Returns Again and Dies?
GIL
Why am I here when I should be filing for unemployment, again?
COMIC BOOK GUY
I am growing impatient! My beautiful wife Kumiko is waiting for me at home and I am stuck here for what is sure to be the biggest letdown since The Phantom Menace.
JUDGE SNYDER
Quiet, all of you! The Mayor is approaching the lectern!
MAYOR QUIMBY
People of Springfield, it is my sacred duty to inform you that I will not seek reelection this year.
Everyone gasps.
MAYOR QUIMBY
I feel I can better serve you all by starting my own lobbying firm. In time, I hope to join the pantheon of great former mayors of Springfield. One of whom is here tonight as my honored guest.
Quimby gestures to the edge of the stage where Hans Moleman sits quietly in a chair. Too quietly.
MAYOR QUIMBY
Everything ok there, Hans?
With no response from Hans Moleman, Dr. Hibbert quickly rushes onstage and checks his pulse.
DR. HIBBERT
Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Mayor, but this man is dead. Has been for hours.
MAYOR QUIMBY
Oh. Well, that casts a pall over the evening.
DR. HIBBERT
It certainly does. (chuckles) So this probably isn’t the best time to announce my retirement.
DR. NICK RIVIERA
You’re retiring? Well, you know what that means. More work for me, everybody!
TOWNSFOLK
That’s right, Dr. Nick!