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“Good night! Thank you for your hard work again today!” Nahida smiles and waves as her last guest leave her room.
When the door closes behind them, the God of Wisdom lowers her hand. She leans back against her chair with a tired sigh.
Another day is done, but for Nahida, she still had many things to do before she can sleep.
Finishing the rest of her tea and snacks, she leaves her room and disappears into the night.
At this time, the God of Wisdom's destination is always the same.
The moon lights her path while the shadows hide her from prying eyes until she reaches a cabin miles away from the city walls. Hidden away by numerous and large foliage, Nahida walks past the barrier- a safety measure to keep people away from here. She steps inside the cabin and pauses to smile at the sight.
On the bed, Balladeer lays there fast asleep surrounded by flowers and leaves. Illuminated by dendro crystalflies around him, Nahida notes that her charge appears ethereal as if he was a divine creature from Celestia.
But knowing Balladeer's personality, he may find her comparison an insult.
For now, she keeps her opinion to herself and smacks her cheeks, “Time to get to work, Nahida…!”
Nahida makes herself comfortable sitting next to Balladeer, reaching out to grab his hand, and closes her eyes to connect her mind to her charge.
When she opens her eyes, the God of Wisdom sees the familiar void of nothingness.
In the distance, there's a sakura tree in full bloom and Nahida starts to head in that direction.
Arriving at the crimson gates, the sakura tree looms over her and its petals fall heavy. At first, it was hard to discern anything in front of her, but Nahida waited for the storm to pass.
Eventually, the storm becomes a light shower revealing a large stone gate. A prone figure sits on the stairs, his body curled up and hiding his face in his knees.
As Nahida approaches him, she smiles and greets him, "Good evening, Balladeer. I hope you reflected on our last conversation, yes?"
She hears a heavy sigh, a groan of irritation, and Balladeer slowly raises his head to glare at her beneath his bangs.
Progress
"You're here again? I thought I told you to never come back."
“The last time we spoke, you said- pardon my language: Fudge off!” Nahida mimics his voice, smiling at the weak glare he sends in her direction.
“It’s “Fuck off and die”, Radish.”
“My point is you didn’t tell me to never come back in those exact words.” The God of Wisdom points out. She gestures to the empty spot next to him and asks politely, “May I?”
Balladeer glances next to him, and then back at Nahida with a complicated face. He didn’t want to give her the courtesy, but he decided it wasn’t worth the effort and shrug his shoulders.
The young Archon's face lights up at his answer. She practically skips over and sits down next to Balladeer, who did his best to avoid meeting her inquisitive gaze.
Tried as he might, Balladeer's patience grows short at the silence and he snaps at her, “What? If you have something to say, then say it and go.”
“Would you listen if I do say something?”
“No.”
“Then I won’t say anything until you’re ready to listen.”
The comfortable silence returns with the exception of Nahida humming. Ballader didn’t recognize the song nor did he care enough to ask. He stubbornly looks to the side, staring into the nothingness of his subconsciousness.
Normally, he would ignore her or try to drive her out of his dream.
Every time Nahida left, Balladeer expects her to never come back and he’ll resume continuing his self-loathing.
But, the God of Wisdom returns as she promised not to berate him or punish him.
Nahida only wants to talk to him.
Balladeer cannot comprehend her actions. Why would a God waste her time talking to a pitiful soul who did nothing but bring harm to her people?
He doesn’t understand her, but the question nags in the back of his mind. “Why…”
“Hm?” Nahida stops humming and perks up, “Why what?”
“...Why are you doing this, Buer?” Balladeer questions. Out of habit, he reaches up to tilt his hat yet his hand freezes remembering he wasn’t wearing it. He lowers his hand, his fingers curling into a fist, “Why bother spending your free time with a villain like me? Do you pity me? Do you think I can easily bend to your will, Buer?”
“Well…” Nahida puts her finger to her chin to think of a suitable answer. “I don’t want to control you, Balladeer. You’ve already been through enough of that, no?”
Balladeer snorts lightly, “You imply that someone did control me.”
“Not by someone’s hand, no.” She shakes her head, and elaborates, “...But you clung to the belief that you had a single purpose in life. It twisted you like a puppet whose strings are tangled up and left dangling in the air for the enjoyment of others.”
“You say such ridiculous things.”
Ignoring the comment, Nahida continues, “I do pity you because our experiences are similar. That isn’t all of it though. I am curious about you, Balladeer; what it is you’re thinking about, the emotions you feel, and…Why is it that we are so similar yet so different?”
Sighing, Balladeer turns his head to finally meet Nahida's eyes and he sees the purity in her emerald green iris. The honesty in her gaze along with her child-like curiosity, and when she extends her hand to him…
“You’re finally looking at me.” Nahida says, smiling warmly at him.
Balladeer cannot put a word to what the God of Wisdom does to him, or more accurately he refuses to admit it.
He doesn’t take her hand and looks away, “...You shouldn’t waste time with a villain like me.”
“Oh? I was under the assumption I was speaking to a man named Balladeer…Unless there is another name you wish to be called instead?” She questions in a cheeky tone.
Amused by her inquiry, Balladeer snickers, and quirks a small smile.
“If I come up with one, I’ll let you know.”
First Night
When Nahida began these nightly visits, she wasn’t sure whether or not her attempts to help Balladeer will be successful.
In their first meeting after the battle, Balladeer became livid the moment he saw her.
He spat hateful words at her, threw curses in her direction, and at some point his hands were wrapped around her neck.
Nahida knew her real body is safe and sound; that she had total control over her form in the mind's eye, but she swore her heart almost stopped the moment she meets Balladeer's eyes.
They were devoided of any light like she was staring into the darkest pits of the Abyss. They were filled with hate, madness, and desperation so strong that…that…
“...Why are you crying?” Balladeer demanded.
“Huh…?” Nahida had not realized she started shedding tears.
“Hah…Hahaha! To think even a God fears death, this is hilarious!” He laughs manically, and he smiles sardonically, “Tell me, Buer. What are you thinking about right now? Are you imagining how you’ll die by my hands this time? Are you going to beg for mercy like some pitiful worm?”
“N…No…!” Nahida hiccups, her tiny hand reaching out to touch his cheek. She forces a smile through her tears, “I’m not crying, because I’m scared. I’m crying, because…I’m crying for you .”
Surprise flickers on his face before he narrows his eyes, “ What do you even know about me? ”
The God of Wisdom gasps sharply as Balladeer's hands tighten around her throat. She grabs his wrists, trying to speak between gasps of air, “I know…We’re similar…Abandoned…Misunderstood…And…Struggling to find our place like a wanderer seeking his home…!”
Nahida hears a gasp before she’s suddenly flung away and rolling on the ground. She coughs, takes deep breaths of air into her lungs, and slowly raises her head to find Balladeer on his knees. He held his face in his hands, but between his fingers, she meets his wide eyes; maniac and terrified.
Then, his hands fall and he keeps his head low.
“...Leave, God of Wisdom.” Balladeer demands in an eerily calm tone, “Leave. If you come back here, I’ll kill you.”
“You won’t kill me.” Nahida refutes confidently. She stands up, patting the dust off her dress, and puts her hands on her hips. “As long as you’re still here chained down by your past ambitions, I’ll keep coming here to see you…until you decide to wake up on your own terms.”
Balladeer doesn’t respond, and Nahida decides enough was enough tonight.
“Well then, I hope you have a sweet dream, Balladeer. Good night.”
As Nahida leaves his consciousness, Balladeer stares at his own hands and clenches them tightly.
“For a God of Wisdom, you certainly are the most foolish among all the Gods…”
Paranoia
To his dismay, Balladeer started looking forward to Nahida's visits.
The God of Wisdom will arrive on her dainty feet, make herself at home, and start chattering about the most mundane event of her day. She talks and talks leaving him no choice but to listen to her rambles with a comment here and there.
Then, she’ll shift the topic to him by asking questions about him.
“What’s your favorite hobby?”
“Dancing.”
“Oh! Can you show me next time?”
“If I feel like it.”
“So is that a yes, you promise you’ll show me your dance?”
“Decide for yourself what my answer is, Buer.”
When Nahida doesn’t arrive at her usual time, Balladeer doesn’t think about it at first. It was nice to finally have some peace and quiet in his domain; to actually hear his own thoughts for once.
“When was the last time anyone asked about my interests…?” Balladeer muses, closing his eyes to think. “Tartaglia doesn’t count…Maybe.”
Despite Nahida barraging him with question after question, she rarely asks about his life before and after he joined the Fatui Harbingers. She wasn’t inquiring about the Fatui Harbinger named Scaramouche, or even Balladeer.
Just a simple man named Kunikuzushi- No, maybe not him either.
Ever since the God of Wisdom started appearing in his dreams, Balladeer was confused about almost everything.
What did Buer even want from him?
If she wanted information, she could easily force it out of him or find it on her own in his mindscape.
Or, did she truly mean it when she wanted to help him? Are her intentions as simple and pure as she made them out to be?
No!
NoNoNoNo NO!
She’s…She’s like the others- They all want something from me!
Why else would she spend so much time coming here just to talk to me?!
She’s biding her time, tricking me into thinking we can be friends, and expecting me to spill of my secrets to her.
Where is…Nahida anyway?
Upon realizing that the God of Wisdom hasn’t visited him for a long while now, Balladeer sits up straight to scan his surroundings to find no one but himself in this empty world. Dread sinks in his stomach like a heavy stone at what this may imply.
Rationally, Balladeer understood that Nahida is a busy God scrambling to get Sumeru back in order. It was a miracle she made time to visit her adversary.
Irrationally, Balladeer's thoughts started derailing into less-than-pleasant scenarios that are growing worse by the second.
When my guard is down, she’ll betray me once she has everything she wants from me.
She’ll abandon me just like everyone else.
Just like…
“Mother.” Balladeer's smile is wide, almost splitting his face in half before he throws his head back and laughs.
He laughs, laughs, and laughs like a broken record, because at the end of the day…Why did he believe everything would be different with Nahida?
“Hah…In the end, I was the fool.” Balladeer whispers, burying his face into his hands.
As the skies rumble and lightning strikes the ground, it almost masks the hiccup escaping his throat.
Where are you…Nahida?
Breaking Point
An unexpected situation with the residents of the desert took up more of her time than she would’ve liked.
However, as Sumeru Archon, Nahida put her duties first before her own personal feelings and focused on the issue at hand for many days. While the situation isn’t entirely resolved, the workload lightened enough for Nahida to find a break between her busy schedule and visit Balladeer.
I didn't get the chance to tell him I would be busy.
The night sky is darker than usual. The shadows that hide her feel eerier than usual as if threatening to swallow her whole.
I wonder if he's angry I haven't visited him…or if he'd even noticed I was gone for too long.
The strong urge in her guts (that was not an anxiety dookie) tells her to hurry.
Nahida quickens her pace to the cabin.
I hope he's okay. He seemed fine when I left…
Physically, Balladeer looked the same as the last time she saw him yet Nahida knew something was wrong here.
“There’s no use mulling over it. I’ll ask him when I’m there.” The God of Wisdom's hands starts to emit a bright green glow and lays her hand on his forehead. She closes her eyes to establish a connection to Balladeer's consciousness, “...Here I go…!”
When Nahida opens her eyes, she gasps in horror at the scenery before her.
Dark clouds loom over Balladeer's domain, rumbling ominously before lighting flashes and strike the grounds in succession. A warning for all trespassers to not walk any further.
The sakura trees, so beautiful and lush in their pink blossoms, have withered away leaving only blackened trees smelling of char and blood. The crimson gates are broken as if a violent battle had occurred recently, and beyond that…
“...Balladeer?”
Balladeer sits in front of the stone gates like usual however he’s curled up tightly into a ball. Unable to hear Nahida's voice, he remains unmoving as the chaos unfolds around him. It was as if he was shielding himself, but from what?
Nahida had a hunch as to what that may be, but first, she needs to make her way over to him.
“...It’s kind of scary, but I have to do it!” Nahida smacks her cheeks lightly.
Taking a deep breath, the God of Wisdom memorizes the erratic patterns of the lighting strikes before she dashes forward.
Left. Right. Step back. Left. Left.
Reaching the halfway point, the lightning intensifies in speed and power. The bright flashes almost blinded her, but she kept her composure.
Right. Side Step. Right. Left. Right…There!
Diving forward to avoid the last of the lighting, Nahida rolls on the ground and past the broken gates. She catches her breath and stands up to pat the dust off of her dress before turning her attention to Balladeer, still curled up inside his shell.
Even now, he refuses to acknowledge her presence.
Sitting down next to him, Nahida brushes her hand on his shoulder when she hears him mutter, “Go away…”
“I thought we were past this phase, Balladeer.” Nahida comments, lightly patting his shoulder. “...What happened to you?”
“Stop it.” Balladeer curls tighter around himself.
“Stop what exactly?”
He raises his head to glare at her and hisses, “Stop acting like you give a damn about me, Buer! Do you really believe I’ll fall for your lies? Why would a god bother with someone like me?”
Speechless at the accusation, Nahida frowns and places her hand on her chest, “...If you believe my intentions are malicious, then you’re incorrect. When you questioned my reasons before, I spoke the truth that day: I pity you, but I also understood you. I want to help you-”
“ Help me ?” Balladeer says in disbelief, sneering at the God of Wisdom. “You can help me by leaving me the fuck alone! Everything was fine before you showed up; I was fine!”
“But..You weren’t fine at all.” She shakes her head and gestures to his mindscape. “For so long, you sought to complete your duties, the purpose of your creation, but even that was taken away from you. You were unable to face the truth.”
“Shut up.”
“So you ran away and hid here. This sorrowful dream of nothingness where you believe you are the loneliest creature in the entire world; abandoned and unloved.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“How pitiful that you see so little worth in yourself that you conjure this realm to deprecate yourself…and to stroke your miserable ego, Kunikuzushi .”
As Nahida finishes, her visions and she gasps as she’s shoved to the ground again. A pair of hands wrap around her neck, and the God of Wisdom chokes at the thumbs pressing down on her windpipe. She grabs Balladeer's wrists and kicks her tiny legs in an attempt to pry Balladeer off of her.
When their eyes meet, Nahida recalls the first night she visited Balladeer; eyes as dark as the Abyss full of hate, anger, and desperation.
“What do you even know about me?” Balladeer hisses, tightening his grip on her neck. His voice steadily grows louder with every word he speaks. “You said we’re similar, but we’re not. You became a God everyone worships, companions who stayed by your side despite being so damn weak! Here I am, crawling on the ground like a worthless worm struggling to have a fraction of what you have, Buer! So We’re. Not. The. Same!”
The puppet’s shoulders tremble from the ferocity of his own emotions. A hiccup leaves his lips, and then something wet hits Nahida's cheeks. Her eyes widen in surprise to see the egotistical and proud Balladeer crying - fat wet droplets trailing down his fair cheeks.
“There’s no point in helping me, God of Wisdom. I’m broken; worthless now that I outlived my usefulness and I have nothing to give you.”
Please, I want someone to need me…
“Don’t pity me, you’ll only make your people worried by associating yourself with trash like me. So go, Buer…Return to reality and let me rot in peace.”
Please don’t leave me…
“You can’t change who I am.”
Please, anybody…accept love me.
When Balladeer tries to push her away, Nahida hears his true feelings beneath his harsh words. The hands on her neck are gone now, his broken smile belongs to a man who long accepted his death.
Yet Nahida sees there was something else in his gaze like a tiny firefly shining through the darkness.
Balladeer starts to pull away, but Nahida refuses to let him go and she dove forward to wrap her tiny arms around his neck.
“W-What?! Hey, let go of me!” Balladeer demanded, but his hands pause midway when she speaks.
“It’s okay.” Nahida reassures gently. She pulls back to look at Balladeer, and pats his cheek with a smile. “No one can fix what is broken. The scars left on you aren’t hideous; it’s a mark of all the hardships you went through in life. Just like gold gluing broken pottery together, you are beautiful and…You aren’t as worthless as you believe.”
“You don’t have to change for anyone. In fact, I like you the way you are now! We just have to work on your mannerism, you can be really crude.” The God of Wisdom rambles, putting her finger on her chin to think. “We still have a lot of things to go over, but that’s alright! We just have to take it one step at a time.”
“Just get straight to your fucking point, Buer.”
“See? We have to work on that!” Nahida giggles, but she stops beating around the bush and puts her hands on her hips. “What I’m trying to say is…You’re not as alone as you think you are. If you don’t have anyone by your side, I’ll be the first!”
Balladeer looks at her in disbelief, “...Hah?”
“I mean after all of this time, don’t you consider me your friend?”
“Friends…” Balladeer repeats quietly, squinting his eyes in suspicion. “...I’m not going to grovel and cater to your whims just to make you happy.”
“I don’t expect you to.” The God of Wisdom nods her head in satisfaction. She holds her hand out to him, “Well then, don’t you think it’s time you wake up? I hate for my friend to be stuck here forever where it’s so dull and dreary here.”
“I don’t expect a radish to have good taste in decor.” Balladeer snarks back and stares at her hand with a thoughtful look.
Everything up to this point feels surreal, can he really trust the God of Wisdom?
Friends
Balladeer won’t deny that the word seems fitting for their current relationship. Ignoring the warmth in his chest, he scowls and takes her hand, “Just hurry it up, Radish!”
Giggling at his impatience, Nahida's body radiates a green glow, “Close your eyes, Balladeer. The next time you open them, you’ll be back in the real world.”
Sighing, Balladeer closes his eyes and adds, “If I end up in another dream, I’m throwing you into the skies the next time I see you.”
Smiling at the empty threat, Nahida begins the process of helping her charge wake up from his dream. The dream world slowly fades as their consciousness is starting to awaken.
Nahida wonders if he noticed the sun rising from the east, the skies turning blue, and life starting to flourish around them. In the distance, someone waved at them and-
The birds chirping startles her awake, and Nahida recognizes she was back in the cabin. She lets out a sigh of relief that things went well this time. Balladeer will wake up soon and they can move on from there.
“Oh.” Nahida blinks seeing his hand holding hers tightly. It was as if he is afraid she’ll be gone the moment he woke up. Smiling fondly, she wipes away his tears and pats his head gently, “Everything going to be okay.”
When Balladeer opened his eyes, unfocused and unsure, Nahida almost thought he was a bird chick waking up to see the grand world with his very own eyes.