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This was a bad idea. Nonetheless, it was a reasonable step. Something had to be said, or else Mute would be consumed by this destructive storm of desperation and suffering. And Vigil couldn't bear looking at his tired visage as he laboriously toiled away alone in the workshop. Idly thinking until he couldn't stand the silence any longer and began to wander the corridors aimlessly.
And it was one of those days when he opted to wander aimlessly. Mute, on the other hand, went for a walk outside instead of staying inside. In the dreary, nearly rainy midday weather, he sought fresh air.
That alone informed Vigil of everything he needed to know. He was experiencing so much stress that the cold breeze and light rain had no effect on him. Or it could be because he's accustomed to such mundane weather, having grown up in the United Kingdom for so long, that he considers this type of weather to be typical. Still, he was suffering and someone had to either bring him out of his thoughts or force him to acknowledge his own grief.
And a few operators decided on Vigil. Given that he was somewhat acquainted with the Brit. Though he initially denied all of their concerns because he assumed Mute didn't want to talk to him because he was going through so much, he also didn't want to approach the man. But he couldn't stand the tiredness that blanketed his face for long. Not to mention the occasional delay when someone spoke to him.
It took a brief talk with Thatcher for the Korean to grasp that this was serious. Especially since Thatcher had drawn him away with a troubled expression. And urged him to help him at least relieve some of his stress. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing his comrade suffer, so he implored Vigil to at least try to help. Thatcher expressly asked Vigil because he trusted him. Not only that, but Mute valued the small friendship they had. So much so that when Vigil often came into the workshop, Mute never dared shooed him away. Nor did he become hostile when the Korean faintly spoke with him. Mute wouldn't retaliate against him, hence why Thatcher sought him out.
The older Brit couldn't bear the thought of losing any more family members. So Vigil consented, and now, as he pushed the doors to the outdoor field open, he made his decision.
He quickly caught up to Mute's speed as he walked along the path. The Brit was neither surprised nor startled by Vigil's presence, merely continuing his journey. And that was saying a lot. And the hush was oppressive. Much more uncomfortable than Vigil is accustomed to. This was unsettling for the quietest operator known.
"It's pretty gloomy out here..." Vigil whispered, hoping to spark a conversation
"That's the UK for you" Mute answered, chugging along the way as he acted as if Vigil didn't exist.
Trying to seek silence so that his thoughts can either enflame, or simmer down. Either way, he didn't want to talk, and Vigil caught on quickly, but he acted oblivious. He was on a mission. He was hopeful that Mute didn't blow up, but the future was full of possibilities. But still, he was hopeful this didn't become violent and ruin something he's been trying to assemble.
"Not used to this...but Korea isn't any different" A simple hum was the only response Mute gave. So Vigil had to be more direct. He had to ask questions requiring Mute to speak. And this was so new to him. He never really sought to make people talk. These tactics, aren't his. But he had to try something.
"Did you redo your tattoos? Weren't they fading out before, why redo them?" Vigil inquired, motioning to his exposed forearms that held his henna tattoos. Tracing all the way to the back of his palm on both, to his elbows.
"Don't know...distraction"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm goin' to stop you right there, Chul Kyung. I know they asked if you would talk to me and try to consult me, but I don't need consultin'. I need quiet. Thank you, but no thank you"
"Everyone is just worried Mark...you're acting...different"
"'n how would you know? I'm your associate"
"Mark, you know you're more than that"
"Oh, bullshit" Mute scoffed, waving the Korean off as he began to walk off
"I'm not the enemy here! I'm just trying to make sure your okay, I know-"
"You don't know anythin'! 'n quit thinkin' that you do! Because you don't! No one here knows anythin' I'm going through! Stop actin' like you do..."
"Mark-"
"Leave me alone...I didn't ask for a partner on this walk" Mute murmured, turning away from Vigil. The pain was clearly evident in his voice. And Vigil knew that all too well. He swallowed a lump in his throat, knowing that he was trekking on thin ice, but he had to. He had to reveal the truth. Else Mute would never be the same.
"James left Mark. And that's reality. Stop penalizing yourself for his choice" Vigil asserted. And he knew he was done for the moment Mute stopped walking. He was a dead man, but he continued, "Does he regret it? I don't know. Will he regret it, I still don't know. But you're not the only one in pain-"
"Fuck Mike! He doesn't know shite! That old bastard can't tell left from fuckin' right"
"That's no way to treat an ally Mark! You're being immature-"
"That's pretty rich comin' from you. Guess you're more mature than me?"
"Mark-"
"ENOUGH!" Mute spat, spinning furiously around and rushing up to Vigil. Even though he felt frightened by Mute's presence, the Korean stood firm. Which he had never felt before, but he was on alert today.
"Don't you dare utter his name around me"
"Denial and avoidance won't solve your problem...nor your pain"
"You don't know shite about pain. You're so goddamn keen on performance you don't give a shite about grief or even your other colleagues. You only came out 'ere because it was a direct order to check up on me. Well, now you know I'm fine. Now you can leave" Mute barked, inches from Vigil's face.
He scoffed, turning his head away, and resumed his stroll. But Vigil wasn't finished. His body reacted first, followed by his thoughts. He tightened his hold on Mute's arm. And for both of them, the encounter was overwhelming. Mute had never felt such comfort before. And Vigil had never known what it was like to cling to someone. This was enticing, but he had to stay focused. Shaking off the blush, he breathed sharply before exhaling.
"Everything in my life had been taken away from me. I had to hide my emotions deep within, turning into a stone to the outside world. My mother was sick before she was apprehended and executed, my oldest brother drowned, and my father committed suicide because he couldn't bear the weight of his mistakes. I was alone...my entire life revolved around putting on a facade. A mask... I was raised on a set of rules and norms of behavior, and I had no idea what it was like to be...human." Vigil mumbled.
He removed his mask, both physically, and emotionally.
Figuring it was finally time to disclose a narrative that only Blackbeard knew. As a result, if someone said something negative about Vigil, the American became defensive. how his quiet and straightforward nature was often uncalled for. How his reservedness and seclusion aren't required in this type of workforce. Blackbeard knew Vigil was a trustworthy soldier, but he had problems trusting others.
Everything he knew was taken from him, and he was forced to become a stoic. To become tough in order to defend the child within him. To protect the sliver of sanity and compassion he still possesses. Opening up was a sign of vulnerability and weakness. Vigil wasn't ready, but now was the time to finally confess the truth. To connect. To show Mute that he wasn't alone. That he had someone who knew the true definition of grief.
"I understand how it hurts to have someone important go... I had three of them. And I had to watch them all perish in the end. I've had to maintain a stony demeanor, never displaying emotion or expressing my inner thoughts. I had no idea what it was like to be soft. The ability to rely on someone. To think of someone as a friend. I know you're in pain, but don't turn into him. Don't disconnect because of something James did. It's not...a comfortable way of life. Trust me...I miss the times when you had me say more than one word. I miss the days when we sat alone in the workshop, or when we would run into one other in the hallways late at night and decide to eat at the cafeteria. I miss...your smile" Vigil explained before coming to his conclusion.
He yearned for his, best friend. And, as much as that word pricked his heart, he would rather be thought of as a friend than an associate. Mute made him feel more human. As if he didn't need to wear another type of camouflage. He can appear to be himself. He can finally have a good time. He could get used to being around the Brit. He didn't want the Brit to go down the path of solitude. Of emptiness and silence. It's not an easy route, and Vigil was well aware of it.
"Mark, James is gone. As dreadful as the truth is. He's no longer around. Will he return? I'm not sure and can't even begin to tell you. But please...don't let it consume you. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have these feelings... I'm just saying, don't let it consume you...you have colleagues who care about your success. I...want to see you prosper. I'm sorry... for the way he abandoned everything. I'm sorry he didn't turn back... I'm sorry he broke you...but we're still here...I'm still here. I can't fix everything, but I can attempt to find some glue...maybe not strong glue, but glue nonetheless." Vigil inquired, his face contorted into a smile.
Something he'd been working on for a long time, and it was desperately required just now. It wasn't flawless. He was almost forcing it, but he was trying. It was new. He had never truly smiled in his life, which led many operators to believe he was just a husk looking for direction and command from any superior officer of his. But Blackbeard was aware of his emotional capabilities. He only needed to find someone who could bring them out.
And Mute did just that.
It was a laborious process that took eons. So much so that when Vigil scoffed when Mute propped up the criticism that he's 'too quiet', Mute took it as a win. And from then on, he continued to gather victories both slightly big and extremely, EXTREMELY small.
Mute provided Vigil with a new lease on life. It was now his turn to return such empathy. Although it was initially awkward to discuss such a sensitive subject, he knew Mute needed to hear it. Because he'll never comprehend that Vigil was aware of his misery.
And Mute, was thankful
"This...is the longest I 'ave heard you talk before. World record" Mute chuckled, returning his gaze to the faltering smile.
The expression on Vigil's face soon softened. Vigil couldn't help but laugh as his delicate smile became a grin. Mute had no idea he'd been longing to witness this. He's never seen Vigil smile; he's seen him scoff and murmur, but a smile? This was new and exhilarating. It was quite effective at this time.
"I'm sorry...for your lose, mate"
"Still working through it, but I'll manage"
"I'm honored you trust me with such a sensitive topic. Guess you do know the feelin'. Thank's for not givin' up on me. I'm sorry for the way I've been actin'. I'll fix it...I don't know if I'm ready to head back in just yet...want to...talk this walk further? Maybe go...get a coffee or just wander around the store?" Mute suggested, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Flashing a gentle smile, faltering because of his embarrassment
"Tea, will be better for you. You're already on your ninth cup of the day. Let's slow down" Vigil recommended, motioning for Mute to follow as they decided to leave the base for a while
"Observant as always..." Mute chuckled, following closely beside him. Enjoying the gentleness as they proceed towards a local càfe, "Your secret is safe with me दोस्त"
Mute nodded and warned Vigil not to discuss his feelings or background with anybody else. Vigil grinned and nodded in appreciation and thanks. Mute couldn't imagine the anguish Vigil goes through on a daily basis, which gave him a newfound respect for the older operator. He realizes he has to be more lenient with Vigil now that he has a new perspective. He was struggling, going through a mental battle over whether to expose vulnerability or keep his guard up. That's why it took Mute so long to get him to say more than a sentence. Regardless he wasn't alone, though. He had someone with whom he could empathize with.
He had a friend.
"감사합니다, Mark"