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when he had heard christian speak over the radio and then later when the older took him aside in the garage, he'd known that the man felt truly awful about what had transpired.
really, he had believed him!
but there was also the part of him that knew christian was partly responsible for the attitude that had put them into this situation. his younger teammate was their team's golden boy, their chance at newfound glory and the mexican had learned the hard way just how aware - and willing to exploit it - max was of that.
he had thought friendship was the right path even with him because it had always been.
well, if one disregards his hostile stint with esteban.
even then however he doesn't think anything had ever made him feel like this. like standing in front of a pile of shards and not knowing where you should start picking them up. it's easy to realize that it's because these things don't happen in teams that don't fight for championships. they don't happen when your team treats you and your teammate as equals or when you're the better driver.
at first, checo had thought it was a fair price to pay. to win races he would sacrifice being the first priority.
now it all looked grim.
as he stared at his reflection in the mirror of his driver room he knew whatever shape their friendship had taken on recently, it was now cracked. maybe they would have to tiptoe around each other for the next two years to make sure it never shattered.
but neither him, nor the dutchman were known to tiptoe. they always spoke their minds, they didn't hold back with their opinions, max loud and checo firm.
it was a constant.
he had believed it to be the reason why their relationship worked. maybe it never did.
it felt useless. he felt useless. this entire weekend had felt like a fire that needed putting out every 5 minutes. he doesn't think he can go on like this for much longer.
he knows something will have to give. the entire year he had hoped it wouldn't be him. maybe that was pointless. the hour after the race had felt like everybody had always known it would be him. they just hadn't been heartless enough to tell him.
he wishes they had.
the faces of reporters asking about the end of the race - the ignored team orders - swim in front of his eyes. the sudden urge to hit something grips him.
maybe he should find max.
its a silly thought but it makes him laugh at himself a little. imagines christian having to explain why his drivers got into a brawl on top of everything. well, perhaps the why wouldn't be that hard to explain. reporters aren't stupid after all. putting two and two would be quite easy in this scenario.
he isn't a violent man though and so he stays put.
he thinks of drunk nights singing karaoke in tokyo, rainy nights eating pizza in spa, late nights talking about anything that came to mind all around the world and wonders where the people in those memories had gone. the promise to never fall out of love abandoned over two points and a 6th place.
decidedly, it's all quite silly but it's hard to fathom he had been so wrong about a person that he had been so close to not even 4 hours ago. he doesn't want to believe it. maybe he should.
the clock above the door ticks away and the closer it gets to the full hour, the more he dreads having to stand in the same room as max.
christian had given them some time to cool down after press was done before they would talk. time checo had spent, almost entirely, standing in the same spot in the small room. he couldn't think of a single thing to say to the younger man that would make this situation better.
asshole. cunt. piece of shit. selfish.
they all flew around his head and all of them made him imagine markos condescending stare from across the room if he ever said them to max. maybe he should do it just to see the old man loose his mind.
momentarily, he had wondered whether all of it was divine punishment.
just as quickly he had disregarded the thought again. no higher power would send him punishment in the form of a 25 year old brat, it really ought to know better than that.
he would only see it as a challenge. admittedly, he had treated max as such.
with his pretty blue eyes and sharp features, he had been almost too good to be true. just until he found out how little good there was to go around for everyone.
he remembers dragging max out to his favorite taco place in austin in the dead of the night. thinks back to him talking about something checo doesn't even remember now. doesn't remember because he had been distracted by how excitedly he had been telling the story.
realizes he'll never have this now. never wants to have it now.
perhaps it would have been better to never get lost in these fantasies either way. but how could he not, with the way max had sat in his hotel room and smiled at him not even a full day ago. he is failing to put that max and the one who just threw a fit over 8 points into the same person.
deep down he can't help but feel embarrassed. by how easily he had handed max his friendship and respect - and in retrospective, never got any in return. by how much he let the other man into almost every aspect of his life, his family. by how much his kids loved the dutchman.
hates that he will break their hearts if he tells them uncle max won't be around as much. however, he can't imagine lying to them and acting like this didn't happen. knows his ex-wife - always the voice of reason - wouldn't let him even if he wanted to.
in the end they're much more aware than he would like anyways.
part of him wonders whether their team principal will berate him over some of his comments to the media. most of it just tumbling out of him in the heat of the moment.
overdramatic but said either way.
he thinks if christian ends up focusing on that more than the actual issue then he doesn't mind burning that specific bridge. perhaps if he was a smarter man, he would have burned all of them a long time ago.
he still doesn't know if he had interpreted the chilly atmosphere in the garage afterwards correctly.
there were too many hands on his shoulders, too many sorrys from men and women not at fault, that it couldn't possibly have been towards him. but he isn't foolish enough to think it directed towards his teammate. their loyalty towards max was endless, it might have been admirable at some stage. he isn't sure whether it can still be considered as such.
he loved his team.
he wanted to love his team, even on the bad days.
the mechanics and engineers that always cheered him on. cheered him on even when the media was calling for him to be replaced when nothing had gone his way anymore during the summer. the people that rarely even blamed him for any mistakes. that had taken him in and made him one of them without hesitation. that cheered for every podium like it was their first together. that swung around mexican flags, whenever he won, like they shared his national pride.
he loves them, realizes maybe it would be easier if he didn't.
at the same time, he know he could never just walk away from any of them. from alice' snarky humor that carried him through rainy days, from hugh's albeit clumsy attempt at being the perfect race engineer, not even from christian's enthusiasm over just about anything related to the sport.
they all took up hard-fought for places in his heart. and if he would walk around with an empty spot in his heart from now on, then so be it. giving up was never an option and he would always be a fighter.
but for the first time in almost two years he feels truly lonely.
and even though he had his team around him, people that would always cheer him on, he knew they would have a hard time catching the fall, this time around!