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It had never been any secret that Seonghwa felt closer to Hongjoong than he did to anyone else, not just in their group but in general as well. Seonghwa had always said that if he was asked, he would never hesitate to pick Hongjoong as his best friend and his favourite person. It had made sense right from the start, they were the two oldest members, born in the same year and they shared a room as well; on top of that they also really got along and understood each other, it truly did only make sense that they would become close.
In fact, Seonghwa had gotten used to being able to rely on Hongjoong quite a lot over the years and he would hope Hongjoong felt the same way. Of course Seonghwa had also become accustomed to Hongjoong spending a lot of time at the studio, being the pillar of their collective career, but whenever he was home, they would spend time together and when he wasn’t, they were often on the phone together. Whenever Hongjoong took a break - or even sometimes while he was working - he would call Seonghwa for any- and everything. Smalltalk, asking what the boy was doing, what he had for dinner; sometimes Seonghwa could tell he needed comforting or encouragement if he was stuck on a project and Seonghwa would happily provide or distract him for a few minutes.
He knew how hard his best friend worked for them, he was only sad he couldn’t do more. Some days he caught himself cursing out his reflection in the mirror for not taking classes on composing and music production so he could be of more help but he also knew Hongjoong would never accept that. He made it clear that he always enjoyed and appreciated Seonghwa’s input when he asked for it, but Seonghwa knew very well that their music had to come from Hongjoong’s brain and not his own. So he had made his peace with just doing what he could to make Hongjoong laugh or take his mind off of what was stressing him out.
That made Seonghwa happy too. Hearing Hongjoong’s voice change from the tired and sluggish tone he would have at the beginning of a call into that wonderful little laugh that never failed to warm Seonghwa’s heart. He always found himself smiling at his phone like an idiot when he succeeded in making Hongjoong laugh and bettering his mood. If he couldn’t get to spend every second of his free time with Hongjoong, this certainly was the next best thing.
But now Hongjoong had tested positive for covid. Even if he didn’t feel it, he was still sick and Seonghwa couldn’t hang out with him at all. Him being away for his quarantine didn’t feel too foreign since they were used to him working late at the studio and not being available for the regular dorm shenanigans, but the addition of him being sick changed the situation drastically. Hongjoong was still spending his time working, as always, but the other boys were just as worried as Seonghwa and suddenly Hongjoong’s daily schedule now included seven individual phone calls.
Seonghwa hadn’t said anything about it since he was pretty sure none of the others knew about his and Hongjoong’s frequent phone calls anyway, but he was not numb to the fact that he now had significantly less time with his best friend. He felt the empty space in his day very clearly. He would be shuffling around to clean up after their dinner while the rest of the guys scurried towards the couch to call their hyung. Seonghwa knew they needed it too, he knew they missed him and wanted to make sure he was still okay and that he still couldn’t feel the sickness, but he couldn’t help the sour feeling as he cleaned up everyone’s plates. He was glad he had at least convinced Hongjoong to always make sure Seonghwa could be his last call of the day. Seonghwa wasn’t sure he could fall asleep without Hongjoong’s voice anymore.
Hongjoong only had a few more days of quarantine left now before he could come back and Seonghwa could not wait to see him in person again. He had truly come to terms with how dependent he was on Hongjoong compared to everyone else. He had come to feel exhausted and drained without Hongjoong’s presence, enough so that he was sure the others had noticed him being off. San, especially, seemed to have caught on. Seonghwa remembered the look San had shot him when he had called Hongjoong as soon as his quarantine had started. While Hongjoong had been laughing at Seonghwa’s antics, assuring him he was fine and reminding him that they saw each other mere hours ago, San had been looking at Seonghwa, an eyebrow raised and something resembling worry in his eyes.
Seonghwa now found himself in his and Hongjoong’s shared room, eyes glued to the clock on his computer screen while the rest of the members were busy telling Hongjoong about their day in the living room. He let out a sigh when the seconds refused to pass any faster, no matter how hard he wished they would. He didn’t fully understand why he was so affected by this. As he established himself early on, this wasn’t too different from their usual routine and even if he had less time with Hongjoong, it wouldn’t last for long. His best friend would come back in just a few days and everything would go back to how it used to be. So why did he feel so goddamn miserable? Why did their room feel so much emptier than it usually did?
He was pulled from the spiral of his own mind as a knock sounded from the other side of the closed door. Seonghwa whipped his head around, returning to reality before shouting a careful “Come in?” which sounded slightly more defeated than he had meant for it to come out. He was met with San’s blonde head peeking through the door opening, again with that same concerned look on his face. “Hyung, are you okay? You don’t wanna come talk to Hongjoong-hyung with us?” he asked but before Seonghwa could even think of an excuse San noticed the state of the room, “Are you just sitting alone in the dark? Hyung, it’s not good for your eyes to be looking at such a bright screen when the lights are off in here,” he noted before turning the lights on unprompted.
“It’s fine, San, I’m just a little tired. I’ll talk to Hongjoong later, or tomorrow or… whenever,” he trailed off and if San wasn’t worried before, he sure was now. “Can I come in?” His voice was small and careful now. Seonghwa knew he had caught on. Unable to look directly at San, afraid his own glassy eyes would reveal whatever he was feeling, he gave a slight nod and dropped his gaze to the floor. San walked inside and closed the door behind him, sensing that this didn’t need to be shared with the rest of the group right now. Out of his peripheral Seonghwa saw him make his way through the room to sit down on his bed.
“Do you wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He tried, carefully. Seonghwa shifted in his seat, not exactly sure how to respond. “You don’t have to open up or anything, I don’t wanna force you, but please don’t tell me nothing’s wrong, because I can very clearly see that you’re upset,” San added. Seonghwa started choking up at his words, the thought of his brain acting stupid like this affecting San did not help him at all.
“I don’t know what to say,” Seonghwa mustered after a few moments in silence. He could feel the tears brimming his eyes but he didn’t want to let them fall. “Is something bothering you? If you feel like we’re putting too much on you right now with Hongjoong being away-” San tried but Seonghwa waved him off immediately, “No, no, you guys didn’t do anything, it’s not too much at all, I promise that’s not it,” he tried facing San as he spoke, but with so much focus on his current condition he found it really hard to keep his feelings in check.
“What is it, then? Can’t you tell me? Hyung, I hate seeing you like this, I wanna help you if you’ll let me, please,” San’s voice was still careful, like he didn’t want to push Seonghwa too far but his voice also sounded pained, like it truly bothered him that Seonghwa was feeling like this. And that pushed him over the edge. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. He heard himself whimpering as the tears began spilling down his face, immediately alerting San who jumped up from his place on the bed, “Hyung! Oh god, what’s wrong?” He blurted out as he landed on the floor in front of Seonghwa within the second.
San’s hands found Seonghwa’s thighs as he began to caress them in a comforting manner, his eyes not leaving Seonghwa’s face even if he couldn’t attain eye contact. Seonghwa kept crying, he couldn’t stop the flow of tears at all, he had no idea what was happening himself, but he had let go and the stream wanted out. His heart was hurting and he could tell by the way he was crying that his head would soon join the party of pain. He couldn’t get a single word out, he wouldn’t even know what to say, he just let himself sob as San attempted to embrace him from his position on the floor next to Seonghwa’s gaming chair.
San was caressing his back and his hair, whispering comforting words into his ear for minutes on end - to Seonghwa it felt like hours - before Seonghwa felt the need for oxygen surpass the relief of letting the tears fall. His breath hitched as he leaned back in San’s arms and attempted a deep inhale before finally looking San in the eyes. He looked more worried than Seonghwa ever remembered seeing him, ready to drop anything for whatever Seonghwa needed. He was so grateful to have friends like this.
“Breathe, hyung, please breathe, okay? Take your time, I won’t leave you,” San whispered as he reached up to wipe the tears off of Seonghwa’s face with that same expression - focused, caring, concerned. “T-thank you,” Seonghwa managed to speak, voice breaking halfway through the word. San took his hand, “Come on, let’s go sit,” he said and gestured towards Seonghwa’s bed. Wordlessly, Seonghwa let San pull him out of the chair and over to sit down next to him on the soft mattress.
“Can you tell me what this is about?” He tried again after letting Seonghwa catch his breath for a moment, still not letting go of his hand. A few moments went by while Seonghwa was trying to figure out how to explain this mess that honestly confused even himself.
“I think…” he began, “I think it’s about Hongjoong,” San nodded carefully at his words. “Did he do something wrong? Do you feel like he left you to take care of everyone?” Seonghwa shook his head. “No, I-...” scrambling for any explanation that made sense, Seonghwa let his mind take control and decided to just spew whatever it was thinking, “I hate that he’s gone, I don’t know what to do with myself when he isn’t here and now that he’s sick, he doesn’t have as much time for me and it hurts, San, it hurts so bad, I wanna talk to him but I have no reason to and our room feels so empty without him even if he was never here in the first place and I don’t know what to do, I just miss him and talking to him once a day isn’t enough, I can’t keep doing this, I need him back, San, I need him back,” Seonghwa’s word vomit ended in more tears and San pulled him into another embrace, hugging him warmly and tightly until Seonghwa stopped shaking.
As Seonghwa calmed down again, a long silence fell between the two. His breath hitched every few seconds until he managed to steady it slightly. San looked at him for a while before he was able to say what was on his mind.
“Hyung,” he caught Seonghwa’s attention and Seonghwa already felt himself shaking because the look in San’s eyes was portraying something he wouldn’t be able to come back from. “Have you ever considered…” San started but quickly backtracked, “No, wait, uhm… I don’t wanna overstep. I hope you know I don’t mean to intrude on your feelings and your privacy. And if this makes you uncomfortable, please just tell me, okay?” Seonghwa nodded at him even though he was sure his eyes revealed how scared he was of San’s next words.
“Have you ever thought that maybe… Maybe you like Hongjoong-hyung a little more than you thought?” as San spoke, Seonghwa felt his eyebrows furrow. Like Hongjoong? What would that mean? It was as if San read his mind, because his next words explained it all very clearly. “Have you ever considered that maybe Hongjoong-hyung isn’t just a friend to you? That maybe you want or need more from him? Like I said, I don’t wanna blow anything up or make you out to be something you’re not... But, hyung… The way you talk about him, the way you miss him… You know it’s different from the rest of us, right? He’s coming back in just a few days but you’re sitting here crying your eyes out,” San added as he wiped another tear from Seonghwa’s cheek.
Seonghwa didn’t know what to say. He truly had never considered anything like this. Did he like Hongjoong? Would that be like being in love with Hongjoong? Is that what this was? That seemed to make even less sense to Seonghwa - how could he end up in that situation? He was just missing his best friend, right? But then… Why was he so miserable? Like San said, he would be back in a few days and none of the others seemed to be this bothered about his absence. It all just felt very foreign to Seonghwa.
“W-what exactly do you mean…? Are you saying I’m in love with him?” Seonghwa let his filterless mind speak for him again. “Maybe? How does that make you feel? Does it feel wrong? It just seems to me that you’re a lot more affected by this than the rest of us, and if this - tonight - really is about Hongjoong, then…” San started, “Then I really do think that maybe you have at least some unconfronted feelings about him.”
The more Seonghwa thought about it, the more it made sense - even if he hated to admit it, because he really had never consciously thought about Hongjoong in that way. If he was being honest, he had noticed himself shying away from the word “longing” in his mind. He was so afraid of categorising his feelings for Hongjoong as “longing”.
“The truth is… all of us miss him. All of us are worried for him. But, hyung. You’ve barely eaten or slept, you’ve been staying in your room, you’re crying . None of us are crying,” San was whispering now, like he didn’t want to disturb Seonghwa’s thought process. Silence fell for minutes on end while San let his hyung’s mind wander for as long as he needed.
“S-san…” Seonghwa was nearly choking on his own words, but he got the younger’s attention. “What if I really do like him?” The last words had his voice breaking, tears threatening to fall once again at the implications of how difficult it would be to live with the fact that he was probably in love with his best friend. San’s hand came up to caress Seonghwa’s hair. “It’s okay, hyung. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all. I know for a fact that Hongjoong-hyung doesn’t dislike you,” San attempted, “And if you want help or support, I’ll always be here. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. But I hope you’ll think about this. Like I said, it’s really worrying to see you like this…”
Seonghwa nodded and leaned into San who accepted him with open arms. Realisation hit him like a truck, a thousand times over. Was he really in love with Kim Hongjoong? If this was true, he really did need San’s support because this would change everything about his daily life. How could he go on sharing a room with Hongjoong, working with Hongjoong, spending most of his waking hours with Hongjoong if what he felt was truly more than friendship?
San hugged him tightly as he cried and cried and let it all out. He couldn’t stop. He went on for hours before he started feeling sleep taking over him. San stayed with him as he drifted off, comforting him and Seonghwa was eternally grateful, even if he couldn’t express it through his sorry state.
____
When Seonghwa woke up, he found San wrapped tightly around him like a koala bear, fast asleep. Instinctively Seonghwa hugged him back; he had no idea the boy would stay with him the entire night but he was on the verge of tears again at the realisation that he had. San stirred slightly at the movement and opened his eyes slowly.
“Hyung,” he carefully reached up to rub the sleep from his eyes, “How are you doing?” He blinked until his eyes could stay open on their own and moved slowly to sit up, facing Seonghwa. “Better, I think,” sounded Seonghwa’s reply as he followed San’s example and sat up on his bed. “Thank you so much, San… I really don’t know what I’d do without you,” his voice was a whisper, but San heard him well. His hand found Seonghwa’s and gave it a reassuring squeeze.
“You know I’m always here for you, right? Won’t you please tell me when you feel like this? I don’t want you to go through this alone,” San spoke in a pout that just broke Seonghwa’s heart. He truly hadn’t been aware that this was taking such a toll on him to the point that San felt affected by his condition. “I’m sorry… To be honest, I don’t really think I even knew it was this severe. I’ve just been so sad ever since he’s been gone… I didn’t realise it could be because of something like this,” Seonghwa admitted, to which San shot him an endearing smile. “Of course you didn’t realise, you two had been so busy being inseparable, you probably didn’t even have time to consider what your feelings meant, hyung. You must have felt so lonely without him.”
Seonghwa had to close his eyes to stop himself from starting another crying session. How did San understand him so well when he hadn’t even been remotely aware of this himself? Seonghwa pulled San into another hug, burying his face in the younger’s shoulder before letting him go. “I guess I just need to figure out how to face him now…” Seonghwa muttered. San brushed a strand of hair out of Seonghwa’s face, “Just take it easy. No need to spring it all on him at once. You don’t have to feel like you need to come clean about all of this the instant he steps in the door,” San reassured, “Maybe you can find out how he feels as well? And in the meantime, I’ll always be here if you want to talk about it. Just please don’t go quiet about this anymore, okay? I can tell it hurts you and none of us want that.”
Seonghwa nodded. San was right; he probably shouldn’t expect to be able to confess these feelings as soon as Hongjoong came home, but he had to come to terms with the fact that he had them and they were very real and he should not repress them any longer. If he wanted to tell Hongjoong and figure this out, he probably had to wait for Hongjoong to settle back in and not attack him with all of his weird feelings. It would be much too sudden for Hongjoong. He hadn’t gone through the same agony of this separation that Seonghwa had.
_____
Three days after Seonghwa’s initial breakdown the front door unlocked while all seven of them were sitting in the living room, watching a movie together - Seonghwa had no clue what movie it was, his mind was entirely occupied by the idea of finally hugging Hongjoong again.
The door opened and Hongjoong stepped inside with a smile plastered across his face as he dropped his bag to the ground. Their entire little family arose from the couch to sprint across the room and crowd their tiny captain against the door, everyone yelling loudly about how happy they were to see him again and how they had missed him and how glad they were that he was okay again. Seonghwa stood back with a smile as he watched Hongjoong receiving all the love in the world, not being able to join in himself. He knew he would break down sobbing the second he touched Hongjoong and realised he was really there.
“Alright, alright, I missed you guys too, please let me breathe,” Hongjoong laughed as he peeled off their arms and freed himself. Seonghwa moved to pick up his discarded luggage and sent Hongjoong a smile before making his way towards their room to help him unpack and get settled back in but it wasn’t long before he felt he was being followed.
“Are you okay? Should I distract him for a while? Do you need time? He’s probably gonna wanna talk to you soon…” San squeaked from behind him as he entered the room. “I’m fine, Sannie, thank you. I wanna get this over with fast, I don’t think I can hold my feelings back if I have to walk around and avoid him,” Seonghwa sighed through a smile, San could definitely tell he was in pain, but there wasn’t really anything to do about it at this point. Seonghwa was just grateful he had actually found the root of his problem and even knew how to at least attempt to fix it.
His thought process was interrupted entirely when Seonghwa locked eyes with Hongjoong over San’s shoulder. He waved at Seonghwa with his signature curvy smile and now Seonghwa really felt it. San was right. He was so right. It was actually incredible how he had been so dense that he didn’t sense it himself. Right at this moment he was pretty sure he was completely, utterly and madly in love with his best friend.
San caught on and spun around to greet Hongjoong before coming up with some excuse to leave the room. He sent Seonghwa a sincere and concerned smile on his way out and then he disappeared into the hallway.
“Hey,” Hongjoong said calmly. His voice sounded like he was aware that something was off with Seonghwa and he wanted to talk about it without pressuring him. “Hi,” Seonghwa returned his greeting and sat down on his bed, “It’s good to have you back, I’m glad you’re not sick anymore,” he tried to the best of his ability, desperately holding back the part of him that wanted to just break into tears and confess and get it over with even if he knew it would make Hongjoong wildly uncomfortable and ruin their friendship forever.
“Yeah, thanks, it’s really good to see you all again. It’s weird, I wasn’t even gone for that long… I guess we’re just really used to being around each other all the time,” he chuckled, slowly moving to go sit down next to Seonghwa. “Yeah, we do have a certain routine,” Seonghwa managed a laugh, “It felt really weird knowing that even if you had time to come home, you couldn’t ,” he confessed. Hongjoong looked at him endearingly, “You missed me?” he snickered and for a brief second Seonghwa wanted to hit him but he couldn’t keep up that energy, so instead he just chuckled halfheartedly, eyes glued to the floor.
This seemed to irk Hongjoong. “Are you alright?” he asked as he turned towards Seonghwa, “You seem like something’s bothering you… Should I not have come back?” Hongjoong’s tone suggested he was joking, but the sting Seonghwa felt at those words was very real. “God no, it’s not that! I am so happy to have you back, please, please don’t doubt that,” the words fell from his mouth like a waterfall; even if it was a joke, he needed Hongjoong to know that he had done nothing wrong.
“Then what is it, Hwa? Did I just miss you more than you missed me?” Seonghwa couldn’t help but scoff at that, “Oh, it’s definitely not that,” he let the words slip out before realising that he would have to answer for them. “What’s that supposed to mean?” Hongjoong was still smiling at him, but his smile seemed to reveal his confusion. “Ah… nothing, just… I don’t know, I did miss you. I actually really did,” Seonghwa replied, trying his hardest to tell the truth without saying too much.
At that, Hongjoong got up and went towards the door. Seonghwa was halfway prepared for him to just leave and go hang out with the others because Seonghwa was being too vague and weird or whatever. But no. Hongjoong went to close the door and lock it before turning back to look at Seonghwa with no hint of fun or joking, no ambiguity left, just genuine concern. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” He said as he stepped back towards the bed.
Seonghwa froze in place, he knew he couldn’t actually tell Hongjoong what was up, but he also had no clue how to escape this without revealing everything. “Nothing is wrong, Joong, I’m fine , I swear,” he tried, but Hongjoong wouldn’t have it. “Don’t. Don’t lie to me. Please. I know you. I thought we were closer than this?” Seonghwa knew that Hongjoong was genuinely concerned and did not mean to guilt trip him, but that’s really what it felt like.
“Of course we are, I’m not lying to you, Joong, I just-” Seonghwa began, but soon realised he had no way of ending the sentence. “Seonghwa. Please . I’ve been gone for so many days, I missed you, I wanna be able to talk to you. I don’t like you hiding stuff from me… I don’t mean to intrude on your privacy, but… I just… I guess I assumed you’d tell me if you were feeling off… you’re my best friend,” Hongjoong’s voice turned into a whisper towards the end and every single syllable out of his mouth felt like another nail in Seonghwa’s coffin.
“Please don’t say that,” Seonghwa tried. “I just… I just came home, I’ve missed you, you more than any of the others and I come back and you look like you’ve been through hell, but you won’t even tell me about it?” Hongjoong kept poking; Seonghwa already felt tears prickling at his eyes.
“Hongjoong, it’s not that I don’t want to tell you about it, I just- I can’t -” he attempted an explanation, but Hongjoong cut him off, “Hwa. Look at me,” he began as he kneeled in front of Seonghwa and took his face into his hands, forcing Seonghwa to look at him, “No matter what it is, we’ll figure it out . We always do. We always have and we always will. It doesn’t matter what it is, you know I’ll never leave you or let you go through anything alone, right?” Hongjoong’s words were ringing through Seonghwa’s ears as he failed to hold back. The tears started falling all on their own, he was powerless to stop them.
Hongjoong reacted instantly, embracing Seonghwa from his position on the floor in front of him, confused as he was, he did his best to comfort his best friend. “I c- I can’t d-do this,” Seonghwa cried. Hongjoong leaned back to catch his eyes, his expression scared of Seonghwa’s sudden outburst. “What can’t you do? What is it?” He tried, and Seonghwa couldn’t hold back any longer.
“I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now and I didn’t know before you got sick but I know now and I can’t be without you and if you hate me now I’ll have to accept it but I don’t know how I’m gonna live my life without you because every single second I spent here without you was hell and I was so scared I couldn’t make it through because I missed you so much and I just hoped you were okay but at the same time that wasn’t enough because I love you, I really do and I’m sorry if that’s weird, but it’s true and I had to tell you because I can’t do this anymore, I can’t go around and keep it inside and hope that you never find out because it hurts, it hurts and I need you to know because you mean everything to me,” one word took the next as Seonghwa just allowed himself to let everything out between his sobs, hoping that Hongjoong could at least decode his words so he wouldn’t have to repeat himself.
Silence fell upon the two for several seconds before Seonghwa realised what he had just done. “I’m sorry,” he followed it up once he gained his breath and stood up from the bed in an attempt to leave Hongjoong alone so he didn’t have to hear the awkward realisation and rejection from his best friend. But he didn’t get that far.
Before he reached the door, he felt a hand around his wrist, stopping his movements. “Don’t leave.” Sounded Hongjoong’s voice, a low whisper, from behind him. It hurt him already because it did not sound good. It was not the voice of someone who had magically been hoping for his best friend to confess first and so Seonghwa knew this would hurt .
“Seonghwa…” He heard Hongjoong’s voice break. Seonghwa kept still, his back turned and still unable to move. “ Seonghwa, ” Hongjoong spoke again, this time more stern and insistent. He turned around as the tears kept spilling from his eyes, not wanting Hongjoong to see but also not feeling like he had a choice.
He was met with the familiar face of his best friend, he looked no different. He didn’t look disgusted or estranged or anything Seonghwa had feared. He was smiling. Was it pity? Seonghwa couldn’t exactly tell, but he already felt grateful that Hongjoong hadn’t dismissed him immediately.
“Seonghwa. Please,” Hongjoong’s voice sounded yet again and Seonghwa realised the boy had been holding out his hand for Seonghwa to take for several minutes. He responded, took his hand, even if he was sure to walk straight into the fiery burn of rejection.
Unexpectedly, Hongjoong dragged him closer. Seonghwa instinctively leaned back as to not invade Hongjoong’s personal space, but that only made Hongjoong laugh. “Do you really not get it?” Seonghwa could only blink at him; what was he supposed to get ? Hongjoong’s other hand found Seonghwa’s face and cupped his cheek. “I wrote so many songs for you. So many of them, so clearly for you. You were the only one who never seemed to get it,” Hongjoong was smiling widely now. Seonghwa didn’t understand.
“What I’m saying is… I love you, Seonghwa. I’ve loved you since before you ever considered me, I’m sure. I’ve lived with these feelings for years. I never thought I'd get to hear you say this stuff,” he explained, voice breaking towards the end; Seonghwa even saw tears spilling from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. Even now, he couldn’t believe his own ears. He just stared back at Hongjoong like he hadn’t said anything. It couldn’t be real.
“Seonghwa? Are you hearing me?” He tried again, this time he stepped even closer and grabbed Seonghwa’s face with both hands. “Do you mean it? You really love me?” Hongjoong was just as tear stained as he was himself at this point. Seonghwa couldn’t get a word out, he only tried to nod at Hongjoong as best he could - still not completely believing this wasn’t just some huge hidden camera prank.
“What do you mean you’ve “lived with these feelings for years”?” Seonghwa managed to speak, his voice still quiet and careful. “I really have to spell it out for you, don’t I?” Hongjoong chuckled. His hands fell to take Seonghwa’s as he dragged him back towards the bed so they could sit down again. “I remember the day you walked through the door to the practice room and they told me you were joining us. I was honestly intimidated because of how pretty you were… I thought you would be difficult to get close to. But then I found out we were the same age and once we started talking I realised how kind and lovely of a person you are. Seonghwa, I had already fallen for you within the first week of you joining the company,” Hongjoong confessed.
Seonghwa felt as if all the wind had been knocked out of him. They had known each other for so long already and here was Hongjoong telling him he had fallen in love way back then? Within a week of him joining the company . “How…” The rest of the sentence got caught in Seonghwa’s throat for a second, “How come I never knew? You can’t have been feeling the same as me, because this… I could never walk around feeling like this for that long. I don’t think I could have even gone another day,” Seonghwa’s disbelief shone through his words, he could still barely even look at Hongjoong.
“Actually… the truth is, it was really fucking hard. I think that was probably a big part of the reason why I haven’t been spending as much time at the dorms as the rest of you… It has been really hard to be around you at times,” He let out a slight chuckle, “I never told you because, to be completely honest, I think I always just considered my feelings to be my problem. I had decided for myself that I didn’t believe you would ever feel the same way, and so I thought it would be easier if I just found a way to deal with it myself and not involve you or ruin our friendship. I guess my coping mechanism became suppressing my feelings and fleeing your company… I’m sorry if I ever made it seem like I didn’t like you. I may have been trying too hard not to be obvious about my feelings,” Hongjoong explained. The more Seonghwa heard him talk about this so matter-of-fact-ly, the more he let himself believe that his best friend was not lying to him. That he really meant it.
He fully turned to look Hongjoong in the eyes, finding nothing but warmth and comfort, perhaps even adoration looking back at him. “Hongjoong, I love you so much I can barely take it. My heart hurts. Please tell me again that you’re not lying,” he spoke clearly this time, certain of what he wanted to say, and Hongjoong responded instantly.
It took less than a second for Seonghwa to be met with Hongjoong’s hands on either side of his face once again and the image of his best friend’s face moving closer to his own. “Will this be enough?” Hongjoong whispered when they were just millimetres away from each other, Seonghwa felt the breath of every word against his lips before he nodded lightly but eagerly and Hongjoong finally, finally closed the space between them.
Seonghwa truly had not known for how long he had been needing, craving this feeling, but it hit him like a truck now that he was really feeling Hongjoong’s lips against his own. They fit like two puzzle pieces. He was so sure he had never ever done anything that felt so right . It was terrifying, of course, because both of them were practically signing an agreement to throw their friendship out the window, but it was liberating because at the same time, both of them knew that friendship had never been their end station. It had been a temporary stop, a placeholder until they realised what they truly meant to each other.
Their kiss was long and intense, it displayed all the unspoken words between them, everything they both wished they could have said and everything they wanted to convey. It was loving and deep and Seonghwa felt his heart beating at the speed of sound, he was sure Hongjoong could hear it, but he didn’t care. With every second came the realisation that this was real and Hongjoong really loved him and they were really kissing and Seonghwa could barely contain it. He threw his hands around Hongjoong’s neck, pulling the shorter man impossibly closer and revelling in the feeling of being loved, of being kissed back as much as he was kissing.
Eventually Seonghwa had to pull back to breathe, an action which Hongjoong followed, managing to snake his hands around Seonghwa’s waist while they were both catching up on their lack of oxygen. Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh as his and Hongjoong’s foreheads found each other, suddenly feeling the overwhelming joy and the exhaustion hitting him as the anxiety of his own insecurities left him. Hongjoong loved him. And he loved Hongjoong. That was all he needed.