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Bill typed the right numbers into the call box and then pressed the pound sign. His heart was pounding, now, and the acrid scent of his sweat was becoming more noticeable by the second. Pina would be repulsed, surely. If he even answered.
R i i i n g.
R i i i i i n g.
R i i i i i i i n g.
Click.
Bill swallowed. He checked the time. Three o’ clock. He checked his texts with Pina. Three o’ clock. Was he missing something? At some point in their tense text exchanges, had they agreed to meet anywhere other than outside of Pina’s home?
The answer was no. He knew that for sure. He checked anyway, and when he found that he did, in fact, know for sure, he put his phone away and went right back to staring at the apartment call box.
His chest hurt. His heart, maybe. But that would be stupid. It wasn’t like—
He shook his head. He stepped forward to plug in the numbers again.
R i i i n g.
R i i i i i n g.
R i i i i i i i n g.
Click.
And Bill stood there, glaring daggers at the metal squares and those stupid looking bolded numbers inscribed onto them, his tail swishing like a snake, his ears flattened against his head.
That stupid—that stupid fucking sheep. Was he really going to just abandon him here? After their weeks of talking back and forth? After Pina putting this off for all of his holiday break until they settled on the first day of the second-last week, so if this went well they had a bunch of time to relish in their—their whatever they would have if this went well, and could see each other as many times as they wanted? After Bill stressed out over having to meet Pina’s parents for like three whole days, only for Pina to laugh in his face when he finally summoned up the courage to admit that he was freaking out, because Pina lived alone, and his parents lived on the other side of the country?
Bastard. Coward. Asshole. Trickster. Vainglorious, beautiful maniac.
Bill sighed.
Was he just…not wanted? Was he reading Pina wrong, these last few weeks? Did Els read them wrong and did Pina—
Did Pina not know how to let him off easy?
But that was stupid, too. Or was it stupid to think that that was stupid?
Pina wouldn’t mince words. Pina would’ve just said something. Pina would have smiled at him and Bill would have stood there, powerless, feeling like a wet kitten as Pina said something like: “Sorry, Bill. I just can’t do it, you know? I’ve been doing some thinking and I don’t think we’d be perfect together. And I know I’ve been saying otherwise every time we’ve gotten over ourselves enough to discuss the potentials of us dating, but I don’t think that this is gonna work. So don’t bother showing up for our first date, because it’s never going to happen. Wanna get some soba?”
So Pina wanted him. Bill swallowed hard. Despite literally all the reasons it didn’t make sense, Pina wanted him. He had to act accordingly until he was told otherwise.
Bill pulled his phone out, sent Pina a text.
Bill o o o [ Yo I’m here! I think your callbox might be broken ]
Read at 3:10 PM.
[ U better not still be in the shower… ]
[ Seriously though, you okay? ]
Read at 3:11 PM.
Pina’s phone screen changed to the image of Bill smiling, taunting him as it vibrated and rang once, twice, three times until Bill and the call disappeared, leaving him with Bill’s text that he had no intention of answering.
Right this second. He wouldn’t answer right this second. He was an idiot and opened the texts properly instead of just checking his banner notifications and now Bill could see that he’d read it, and so now he had to answer at some point. But it didn’t have to be now.
Pina—fully dressed, silk shirt over a cropped tank top and crisp trousers and heeled boots that made him look like a model off-duty, his favorite perfume clinging to his wool—with its main base of vanilla, orange blossom and espresso—because Bill has mentioned specifically that he liked that one, last time they talked—sat down on his couch and stared at his flat screen TV that he never used. He tried to see his finer details in the pitch black glass, but could only see a blur. A beautiful blur, but a blur nonetheless.
Pina didn’t know what to do. Like, yes, he didn’t know what to do right that second but he had no idea what to do on a date with a guy. What was he supposed to do? Wrap his arm around Bill’s waist and kiss on him and tell him he was pretty? No. Obviously not. Was Bill supposed to do that to him? Was everything just the same, except Pina was not playing the role of ‘girl’?
Well, that was certainly a way to do things, but it wasn’t what Pina wanted, either. So what did he want?
If only he knew.
He sighed.
He wondered if Els had read him and Bill wrong. If maybe…maybe Pina wasn’t the good kind of person for a relationship. Eugh. Even the word ‘relationship’ made him shiver a little.
Would he and Bill walk along a beach at sunset, talking about their hopes and aspirations, and kiss as a lavender twilight spilled into the orange sky? Would Bill hold Pina close to keep him warm as they looked out at the ocean? Would Bill call him beautiful? The most beautiful thing in the entire world?
Pina ignored the racing of his beating hard. He didn’t exactly want that, either.
He reached up to fiddle with his head wool, remembered the painstaking two hours he’d spent getting it perfect, and dropped his hand. He heaved a heavy sigh.
“Els?” Bill said, quietly, as if Pina was listening through the call box speaker. “We have a problem.”
“Is everything okay?” she asked. In the background he could hear noise. Some kind of crackling.
“What are you cooking?” he asked.
“Uh. A scallion pancake.”
“Oh. Is that your first meal today?”
“Yeah. Skipped breakfast.”
“What! Again? Why?”
“Bill! You’re supposed to be on a date with Pina!”
“That—” Bill groaned. “We’ll get to that. Did you just wake up?”
“Like, two hours ago,” Els said.
“You’re working too hard at school.”
“No, I’m not, actually. I study a normal amount and I sleep…the same schedule as any other student.”
“We’re talking about this some other time.”
He could hear Els roll her eyes in response. “Fine. Why did you call me? Is Pina okay?”
“I don’t know,” Bill said. “I’m in front of his apartment and he’s leaving me on read.”
“Oh, God,” Els said. “I knew this would happen.”
“Knew what would happen?”
“One or both of you would freak out because this is your first gay date.”
“I’m not freaking out!”
“I never said you were, but thanks for telling me that you’re freaking out, as well.”
“I’m—not freaking out!”
“You totally are. You and Pina both.”
“Well it’s only because—”
“I’m getting another call,” Els said.
“Skip it,” said Bill.
There was a moment of silence. Then: “I Can’t. It’s Pina.”
“What? Tell me what he says!”
“Hold on.”
Pina fidgeted in place as the phone rang. He hoped Els would answer. Was she busy? Bill knew her schedule much better than he did, but he couldn’t ask him, obviously, so this was a shot in the dark.
Something that could be called ‘guilt’ settled in Pina’s stomach like a ball of barbed wire. Was Bill feeling like this, right this second? Was Bill still waiting, even, or did he go home, disappointed and—God—maybe even elated at the fact that their date had never happened?
“Hello?” came Els’s voice, high and trilling like a bell. “Pina?”
“Hey,” Pina said. “So, like, remember a month ago?”
“You’re going to have to be more specific,” said Els, but the smug tone in her voice told him she knew exactly what he meant.
Pina snorted. “You seduced me and Bill into having a threesome and then in the middle of it, accosted us into admitting that we had feelings for each other, after which you promptly passed out from the wonderful sex—which was mostly my doing—and you left us in the most awkward situation of, I don’t know, probably our entire lives.”
Els giggled. “Yeah, I think I remember that.”
“You were wrong.”
“About?”
“We aren’t good together.”
“Have you guys even been with each other since our threesome?”
“We got noodles a week after.”
“Wait, really? Why did you guys refer to today as your first date, then?”
“Because Legosi and Aoba and Legosi’s cute dog friend were there.”
“Oh. Which dog friend?”
“The yellow one.”
“Oh! He’s cute!”
“Isn’t he?” Pina said. “Anyway, can you tell Bill that I died?”
“Okay. Here, let me put you on hold.”
“What?”
Bill had taken to sitting cross-legged on the ground and ignoring how cold his ass was. It seemed he was going to be here a while.
There came a click from his phone, and then Els’s voice. “He wants me to fake his death to you.”
“Oh.” Bill blinked, nothing numbly that his chest really hurt. “Okay.”
“Don’t be a baby. He likes you.”
“Just as a friend though, right?”
Els chortled. “I can hear you frowning.”
“I’m upset!” Bill said.
“He’s nervous,” said Els. “He wants this to be perfect because he likes you so much.”
“Did he say that?”
“I’m inferring.”
“That’s a big word.”
“I have an idea, Bill.”
“What?”
“You know all those rom-coms you pretend not to like?”
“No.”
“Well, it’s time for you to pull out the soliloquy.”
“Soliloquy. You want me to talk to myself?”
“Oh. Monologue. I meant monologue. Sorry. I need a nap. Or food. Or both. Go monologue to Pina.”
“No.”
“Why?”
“That should be my line!” Bill said.
“He doesn’t know how you feel,” said Els. “He…no, that’s not true. I think he knows that you want him, deep down inside of that thick, beautiful skull of his. He just wants you to say it in really plain terms so he can feel safe enough to come down and get you.”
“You make it sound like he’s the one coming to pick me up.”
“You’ve been waiting for him, the whole time, haven’t you?”
“Shit.”
“Talk to him.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Bill says. “I don’t wanna scare him.”
“Oh, Bill…” Els sighed, and he could hear the gentle smile on her face, and feel the warm love, toasty like a fireplace, that she had for him. “If we’re being honest, you’re about the least scary carnivore in the world once someone gets to know you. Only an idiot would run from you.”
“But Pina’s running.”
“From himself.” Els said. “And he’s an idiot. So go catch him before he trips and hurts something. I have to go. I’m gonna burn my pancake.”
“Pina?” Els asked.
Pina hadn’t even realized she was still on the line with him. In the last minute he’d taken to staring at his ceiling and thinking about the best ways to cancel on Bill.
“Pina,” said Els.
Pina blinked. “Hey.”
“You sound far away.”
“No I just—” Pina grabbed his phone, which had been sitting on the arm of the couch on speaker, and brought it to his mouth. “What’s up? Did you talk to Bill?”
“He’s worried about you,” Els said.
“Why would he be worried about me when you just told him I’m dead? He should be grieving. Or celebrating.”
There was a sound like crackling, and then metal on metal. “Fuck,” Els said.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Els said. “I—oh, there’s actually nothing wrong. I just plated my third scallion pancake and none of them were burnt.”
“That’s nice.”
“I was worried the whole time about whether I was gonna burn them, but I cooked them anyway because I wanted them and I needed them, and I didn’t want anything else, and now I have a delicious meal.”
“So you’re saying Bill’s gonna eat me,” Pina said, his sense of humor writhing around, finding some spark of life even as it lay dying, horrified along with every other aspect of Pina’s personality at the quickly forming reality of canceling on today’s date.
“Pina, can I ask you something?” Els asked. “What do you see in Bill?”
“Too much fast food, too little reading comprehension, unfortunately no volume button.”
“Can you just—” Els cried, “Just listen for once in your life! You’re hurting him!”
Pina’s smile, a hollow, fragile thing in the first place, broke, and even the downward turn of his mouth quivered like it was trying its hardest to hold itself together.
“Yes,” she said. “You’re hurting him. You hurt him. You made him feel like garbage and you’re keeping him waiting , even now. You played with him like you’ve played with everyone else. But you know what? I don’t care. You’ve done everything I’ve expected you to do. You know why I know you and Bill are perfect for each other? Because he doesn’t care either. Because he’s still here. Because he’s worried about you, and if he did something, and he’ll be there for you even if after all of this bullshit, your date turns out to be the worst date in the world. Because he’ll keep trying. And you’re safe, Pina.”
He wanted to deny all of it. He wanted to deny even a sentence. It wasn’t fair, how she could see him—see into him like this.
He swallowed, throat sore and throbbing. He tried to speak. “I—I don’t—”
“Don’t bother,” she said. “Just do me a favor, Pina. Believe him, whatever he says.”
Pina ‘s breath hitched.“What do you—”
Ding!
Click.
Pina checked his phone: Els had hung up. Bill had texted him something.
He threw his phone onto the other side of the couch, and stood and walked to the kitchen, where he filled himself a glass of water.
Ding! Another text.
Stop talking, said Pina. Please leave me alone.
Ding!
Ding!
Pina crept to the couch, a lump in his throat. He sat down and realized he hadn’t drunk any of his water.
Ding!
He drank. Big, greedy gulps. The water was cold and mineraly and refreshing. He put the empty cup on the coffee table and he turned and stared at the phone.
Ding!
He remembered the conversation they’d had over Els’s sleeping, naked body. The two of them were naked too, and despite the burning attraction that Pina had felt in that moment, he couldn’t even bring himself to make any lewd comments about Bill’s body. Instead, Bill stared at him, and he stared back.
“So, you like me,” Bill said.
“You like me,” Pina countered.
Bill was silent for a moment. “If you wanna back out, now’s the chance.”
“Back out of what?”
“What happens next.”
“What, like, a date?”
Bill bit his lip. “Maybe. Is that stupid?”
“No,” Pina said, too quick.
“Okay, well…”
“Well,” Pina trailed off. His heart was beating so fast, then. He was sure it was going to stop. “Well, yes, I like you. Somehow. Despite the musky tiger smell.”
Bill grinned. “You like how I smell. You forget that you picked out my cologne for me a few months ago?”
Pina did forget. He tended to forget about a lot of things.
The phone was in his hands. He hadn’t even noticed himself slide to the other side of the couch.
He opened his messages.
Bill o o o [ Els is making me text you ]
[ No that’s not true. It was her idea but I want to. I figured I should tell you that I’d do anything to get the two of us in the same room right now, cuz I wanna say this to your face ]
[ Pina I’m freaked out. It’s fucking weird ]
[ I never thought Id be dating another guy ever. ]
[ And you make me wanna tear all my fur off sometimes, and ur a totally asshole 100% of the time and sometimes I wonder how I like you ]
[ but then I remember that you dont look at me like anyone else does, and you have this side to yourself that I only see sometimes, this side thats actually really sweet and I wanna see it more, and I know this is all weird as hell but theres no one else Ive been this nervous to go on a date with and I know thats a good thing. So idk if you’re scared of me or youre scared of yourself or whatever but I’m gonna wait right here for you. Promise./ ]
Pina laughed to himself. Els was right. Who figured?
He was safe.
Bill turned as the gate opened.
Pina stepped through, and Bill’s breath stopped at the sight of him. His wool was freshly cleaned, pristine as always, and every piece of his outfit was a dazzling white that made the pale gold of his coat seem even more expensive. He was beautiful. The genuine definition of the word.
“Hey,” Pina said. His voice was quiet, and lacking its usual bravado.
“Hi,” Bill said. He didn’t need to check his phone to see if Pina had read his texts. The tension in the air was proof enough.
“I’m…” Pina trailed off.
“Come here,” Bill said.
Pina walked until he was standing beside Bill, and looked pointedly down the street, avoiding his eyes. “Yes?”
“I forgive you,” said Bill.
“Of what?”
“All of it,” said Bill. “Will you hold my hand?”
“What?” Pina asked, looking down as Bill offered him his left hand. “Why?”
“‘Cause I need it,” Bill said, and he surprised himself by how hard the words were to say.
Pina grasped his hand with his own. They were both rather warm.
A quiet settled between them as they touched, and as Pina began to squeeze tighter and tighter, Bill felt something pull over him like a hood. An unspoken, almost intangible thing, but undeniably strong, and he knew that he would feel the distance, the next time he was without Pina’s touch.
“I don’t really know how to do this,” said Pina.
“We can just hang out like usual,” said Bill.
“But dates are supposed to have, like, kissing.”
“You wanna kiss me?” Bill asked, grinning.
“Shut up,” Pina said, looking away.
Suddenly, Bill brought Pina’s hand to his mouth, watching as Pina froze.
He licked Pina’s hand. It tasted like soap.
“Argh!” Pina cried, drawing his hand back, moving to push Bill’s face away with the other.
Bill laughed, letting himself fall to the ground, and he looked up at the sky until Pina’s face came into view.
“Get up,” said Pina.
Bill’s ears twitched. “Where are we going?”
“I want pancakes,” said Pina. “Scallion.”
“We can go to Els’s place.”
“I don’t wanna go to Els’s place,” said Pina. “I want you.”
And Bill couldn’t help but smile with all his teeth, and Pina’s face turned red, and after Bill got up, the rest of it went as smoothly as it could have.