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Our last hope.
Kaeya takes another long sip from the bottle he’s brought with him.
I’m so sorry, Kaeya .
He closes his eyes.
It’s raining outside. It is always raining, it seems. No matter the season, no matter the temperature, it is always. Fucking. Raining. It soaks him down to the bone, the casual attire he’s wearing today clinging to him in a frankly uncomfortable manner. He’s ditched the extravagant clothing he normally adornes in lieu of plain garbs. He’s even lost his shoes somewhere, leaving his bare feet exposed to the rain.
He doesn’t particularly care.
Kaeya doesn’t mean to say it in a depressing way. It’s just a fact. Kaeya does not care. It’s sort of like stepping outside and observing that the sky is blue, or that the grass is green, or that the sun is yellow. You look at it, you know it to be true, and you don’t question it any further.
Except…the only person looking at it like the truth is Kaeya himself. This is his own fault. He’s made no effort to be genuine, and instead parades around with a smile carved out of a lifetime of practice. It works marvelously, of course. He whips out that charming, go get her smile and people just seem to forget whatever it was they were questioning.
He realizes it’s manipulative. But when he acts like this, it’s sort of like he’s standing and watching from an outside perspective. He sees himself, and he sees the person he’s interacting with. He witnesses lies and manipulation tumble from his own lips and he is unable to stop it. He’s an outsider to his own actions, his words a chain around his feet.
He used to care a lot. He used to want to be better, to tell the truth if he could. And then, on a night not dissimilar to this, Kaeya realized he could never be that person. That he was lying to himself if he thought he could be. That night feels like it happened an eternity ago.
Now?
Kaeya looks off into the distance bitterly. All he sees is more storm clouds. Sitting atop this cliff can bring great sights, if it weren’t for the shitty weather that plagues this damn country. He finishes off the last of the bottle before tossing it over the edge of the cliff. Perhaps some dumb hilichurl will come and find use out of it.
He collapses back onto the grass with a loud sigh. His feet dangle off the edge of the cliff precariously but he pays it no mind. It’s not going to matter within a few minutes, anyways.
See, Kaeya has come to a wonderful realization. There is no destiny to fulfill when you’re dead.
Bear with him here, he knows how dreadfully morbid that is. Unfortunately, it’s an awful truth. He’s been bouncing this in his head for quite some time now, weighing out the pros and the cons of him dying. And in the end, Kaeya is a coward.
He does not want to pick. His birthright or his home. His people or his family. An entire race of people, or a country founded by an archon that helped aid their destruction. It’s not a fair choice. He can’t make it.
But he’ll have to one day. Unless he’s dead, that is.
So that leads him up to this point. Today, he sold his house. The day before that, he sold all his furniture. There’s nowhere to go back to, no place to call a home. Doing these things helped him reach a level of acceptance. It was the last nail in the coffin; the push he needed to finally drag his ass out to this cliff.
He wrote a single letter. It’s hidden somewhere in the stack of junk mail Adelinde keeps in the servants dining room. She always looks through the unimportant mail at the end of the week, sifting through bizarre offers and other ridiculous crap that gets sent to the winery. It’s only the beginning of the week, so he’s assured it won’t be found until much later.
There’s the matter of his status as a captain…well. Jean will realize something is up a couple of days into his absence but he’s not too sure what she’ll do about it. In regards to his information guild, he’s trained Vile to the best of his abilities. She’s a sharp witted, strong girl and he has no doubts that she’ll be able to pull the strings with him gone fabulously. Even without a position within the knights, her strength in the shadows will give her sway and pull.
He knows he’s made the right decision. All of his ducks are in a row, there’s no string left attached.
He wonders who’ll find his body.
No, stupid question, he’s more likely to get eaten by wild animals before they find him. But at least the letter he left with Diluc will have some form of confirmation. What they decide to do with the information is entirely up to them. He’s not so self deprecating to think some people won’t be upset, but…
He does not care.
Kaeya closes his eyes against the flood of rain.
He does not care but . He wishes he did. Archons, how he wishes he could feel . Years of stress and anxiety have done this to him and have made him less than human. Kaeya stopped being a person a long time ago so really…what is anybody losing when he dies? Fake smiles and insincere words?
With that thought in mind, the knight sits back up and takes a deep, calming breath. He’d been waiting to finish the last bottle of his favorite wine before getting on with the main course. Now that he’s done just that there’s very little point in delaying the inevitable. He scooches further off the edge, eyes looking downwards.
This is going to hurt. Kaeya cringes. Ah, can’t be worse than anything else he’s gone through.
He leans forward.
“This is it,” He says to himself. “You’re finally going to be free.”
“ Kaeya !”
He freezes. Blinks a couple of times. Was that…?
Kaeya turns his head and sure enough, running across the meadow leading to the edge is Diluc. He scowls. Oh, goddamn it. He should’ve known something in his plan would have gone awol. The redhead is soaked, too. And covered in mud. And boy, is he charging with conviction.
Oh. He’s getting close .
“Stop!” Kaeya yells. “I’ll jump if you come any closer.”
Diluc stops running immediately. By this point, he’s only a couple of paces away. He breathes heavily, his chest heaving up and down violently. There’s a wild look in his eyes, and goodness even with how wet it is his hair is messy and frazzled. It sticks to his face at odd points. Truly, he looks more like a rabid animal than a human.
“Get away from there.” Diluc demands.
“That won’t be happening.” Kaeya gives a tight lipped smile. “To what do I owe the pleasure, Master Diluc?”
“You know what I’m here for.” He snaps. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
A million questions run through his head. He wants to ask them all at once, but only one manages to come out.
“I thought Adelinde read the junk mail on Sundays?” He tilts his head. “It’s Monday.”
“What does that matter?” Diluc takes another step closer. Kaeya watches him wearily. “What is the meaning of this, Kaeya? Stop this foolishness at once.”
“Better yet,” he hums. “How did you find me?”
Diluc makes another confident step but immediately retracts it when Kaeya shifts closer to the edge. His expression changes from anger to panic. Archons, this is the most emotion he’s seen on his face since that night. He’s almost amused.
“Why are you doing this?” He’s barely able to hear the question over the rain.
“I feel like we’re both asking a lot of questions and neither of us are answering any of them.” Kaeya sighs loudly. “Shoo, run along now. I have business to attend to.”
Diluc’s expression turns murderous. “If you think I’m going to allow you to kill yourself you’re even more of an idiot than I once thought.”
Kaeya clicks his tongue. “I seem to recall a certain someone aiming his claymore at me with the intent to kill. Did that not happen?”
Diluc flinches. “I wasn’t going to-“
“You were.” Kaeya cuts him off. “And I would appreciate it if you’d let me continue this in peace.”
“ No .” He shakes his head. “No, I refuse. You’re going to get away from the ledge and we’re going to take you home so we can properly deal with this.”
“Home.” Kaeya laughs. “I don’t have one of those but thanks for the offer. I’ll be leaving real soon and it’s probably best for your mental stability if you don’t watch it happen.”
“I won’t leave.” Diluc says firmly.
“Then I suppose you can watch.” He shrugs. “Don’t blame me for any trauma this event may or may not give you, though.”
“And you’re not dying.”
Kaeya scoffs and rolls his eyes. “ You don’t get to tell me anything. You kicked me out. You abandoned me. The only thing you get to do is attend my funeral.”
It’s then that Diluc’s tactics shift. “I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done to hurt you, for anything that might have aided in you making this decision.”
Kaeya waves his hand flippantly. “I don’t need your empty apologies right now.”
Diluc frowns. “Then what do you need? Say what it is, I’ll ensure you get it.”
His shoulders slump. He exhales loudly.
“There’s nothing, Diluc.” And he’s so, so fucking tired. “Tonight, I’m going to die. If it’s not by falling, it’ll be by another means.”
“I’ll let you come back.” He offers, desperation tinting his voice. “To the winery. I’ve wanted to let you come back for a while now, so this isn’t an insincere offer. I swear on it.”
Kaeya stares at him in shock. He shakes the expression quickly. “Go away, Luc. You’re only making this harder than it needs to be.”
“I’ll do anything .” The redhead begs. “If it makes you stop this.”
“And why do you care?” Kaeya asks. “You pretend I don’t exist most of the time. Why now, have you come running to save me? It didn’t matter before, when I was living and suffering. What has changed now that I’ve made this decision?”
“You have always mattered to me.” Diluc’s eyebrows pull together. He looks…anguished. Something stirs within Kaeya. “I left you alone because I thought that’s what you wanted . I thought-“
“It doesn’t matter what you thought.” He says coldly. “Regardless, I don’t think I believe you.”
“I wouldn’t lie to you.” He insists. ”I feel shame for my actions, for how I treated you. And I have never once stopped caring for you and your well being.”
Kaeya shakes his head.
Truthfully, he doesn’t doubt the sincerity of Diluc’s words. He’s never been one for lying no matter the occasion. Although, that isn’t to say he can’t be manipulative. Take right now for an example…telling him things he wants to hear, making empty promises.
It’s all useless. This effort will mean nothing because Kaeya will be pancaked on the grass.
“I’m done stalling.” Kaeya presses his feet up against the side of the cliff. “I suppose it’s nice to say farewell to you face to face. I already told you most of what I wanted you to know in that letter, but I digress. Goodbye, Luc.”
“No-!” Diluc rushes forward but Kaeya predicts this. He sends a wave of ice towards Diluc’s feet, freezing them in place and stopping him from moving forward.
Kaeya doesn’t have much time. Diluc is too quick; he’ll have his ice melted before he can blink. Without any further preamble, Kaeya flings himself off the cliff. He hears the ice break seconds afterward, hears the blood curdling scream Diluc lets out. After that, it’s just the sound of air rushing past him.
He is falling.
And falling.
And falling.
Kaeya closes his eye. Smiles. A genuine, honest to god smile.
Finally.
He blacks out before he ever hits the ground.
-
“You poor thing. I wish, one day, for your spirit to be as free as the wind.”
-
Everything hurts. Every bone in his body is accompanied by this awful ache that gains strength the longer he’s awake. He doesn’t remember anything. All he knows is that someone better get him a fucking healer or the strongest bottle of alcohol in Mondstadt. Either one would suffice, really.
“Master Kaeya?” A warm hand runs through his hair. The voice is light and feminine. Adelinde. “Are you awake now?”
He blinks his eye open. It’s much too bright in the damned room. He closes it again immediately and groans. The gentle hand never ceases it’s motions, soothing a fraction of the ache that’s built up in his head. Adelinde always did have magic hands. He was going to miss her so much when he…
Wait.
He opens his eye again and blinks past the haziness.
“How?” His voice is hoarse. “How am I not dead?”
Adelinde smiles at him sadly. She’s pulled a chair up so that she can sit by his bedside. “Barbatos was looking out for you, my child. There was a statue at the bottom of the cliff meant for…people who’ve decided to leave this world.”
“Oh.” So fucking stupid. He should’ve checked. Of course something like that would stop him from getting what he wants. Just his luck. “Why am I at the winery?”
She pauses. “Master Diluc brought you here, of course.”
Kaeya twists his fingers into the sheets. He feels…empty, despite the pain. He looks up at the ceiling, away from the kind eyes of Adelinde. He’s undeserving of such kindness right now.
“I’ll go home soon.” He promises. So, jumping off cliffs in Mondstadt is a no go. He’s got a perfectly good sword, he just needs to find somewhere private. Somewhere nobody would think to look. Wolvendom, maybe?
“Oh, Master Kaeya-“
“What home?” Diluc’s monotonous voice interrupts whatever Adelinde was about to say. Kaeya doesn’t turn his head but he knows Diluc is standing at the doorway. “You sold your house and all of your belongings.”
“That I did.” Kaeya says.
“So where would you go, then?” Diluc asks. There’s a challenge in his voice. Kaeya is too worn out to play this game.
“I think you know the answer to that.” The way Adelinde’s hands begin to tremble doesn’t escape his notice.
“Do I?” Footsteps signal him moving further into the room. The door closes behind him with a loud thump.
Kaeya scowls. He’s not dignifying that with a response.
“Adelinde, I’d like to speak to Kaeya alone.” His tone leaves no room for argument.
Adelinde runs her hand through his bangs one last time before standing up.
“I shall be back when lunch is ready.” She says as she’s walking out the door.
Kaeya doesn’t look at Diluc. It doesn’t seem to bother Diluc. He comes to sit at the chair his maid previously occupied. Again, neither say anything. The silence is nearly suffocating. Kaeya just wishes he’d leave.
“You’re not leaving the winery.” Is what breaks the silence.
Indignation rises. “You can’t-“
“Jean forbade it.”
Kaeya shuts his mouth. Jean knows .
“Barbara will come once a week to check on you.” Diluc continues. “You aren’t allowed to be alone. Ever. Lisa put a tracker on you so there will be no running away.”
He doesn’t know what to feel right now. Kaeya wanted one thing. He’d hoped his letter made his reasoning perfectly clear, he’d hoped Diluc would understand. But he didn’t. And now he’s some… prisoner .
“And how long do you plan on keeping me locked up?” Kaeya asks.
“You can go out, so long as you stay within the property and have someone with you.” This is entirely too clinical. Diluc sounds detached from it all.
“I see.” Kaeya finally braves looking at Diluc and is taken aback.
His voice and demeanor might be indifferent but Diluc looks rough, for a lack of better words. His hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in ages, there’s stubble dusting his jawline, and his eyes are bloodshot. An image of Crepus briefly flashes before him.
Kaeya stifles a pained noise. He should’ve never written that goddamned letter.
“You can’t keep me here forever.” Kaeya gently reminds him.
Diluc’s lips tremble.
“Jean said you can be on medical leave for however long this takes.”
He shakes his head. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant.” The redhead snaps. “But it’s not happening. Not for as long as I live. I refuse to lose you.”
And because he’s cruel, Kaeya can’t help but remind him, “You lost me four years ago. It’s time to let go, Master Diluc.”
When Diluc meets his eyes, there’s a fire within them. A fire Kaeya hasn’t witnessed in a very long time.
“ Never .”
Kaeya deflates. He’s so tired.
“Why?” He asks.
“I realize now how neglectful I’ve been.” Diluc hesitantly reaches out a hand and settles it on top of Kaeya‘s own, which is balled up in his lap. “I’ve pushed you away for far too long, and it’s led to this. I assure you, the same mistake won’t be made twice.”
“Don’t you see?” The bottomless pit in his stomach grows larger, if possible. “It’s too late. We’re only delaying the inevitable here.”
“Stop it!” Diluc snaps. “I can’t- I can’t bear to hear you talk like this. We’ll get you all better, okay? And you may stay here for as long as you like, even after you’re healed.”
“Oh, Starlight.” Kaeya sighs softly. “There is no getting better. I see only one solution to my ailment and yet you deny me the pleasure of death.”
Diluc says nothing. But his eyes are wet, and that carefully crafted aloofness is crumbling rapidly. Kaeya is a weak, weak man, because the sight of those unshed tears make him feel horrible. He’s the cause of Diluc’s current pain. He’s always the cause of his pain.
Yet another tally mark on a rapidly growing list.
“…It’s cold in here.” Kaeya remarks. He’s not actually cold. In fact, it’s unnervingly hot in this room. “And this bed is rather lonely. Will you not join me?”
Diluc, again, doesn’t say anything. But he crawls underneath Kaeya’s covers. Kaeya turns onto his side despite the ache it brings, pulling Diluc into his arms. It’s only then that the first sob escapes him, his face pressed against Kaeya’s chest. Kaeya runs a soothing hand up and down Diluc’s back.
Diluc shifts, turning his head so that his ear is laying directly against his chest. Right where the beat of Kaeya’s heart is.
“Please don’t leave.” He begs.
“I’m here for now, aren’t I?” He says.
This only serves to make Diluc cry harder. Really, Kaeya expected anger. A screaming match, maybe? More bitter words, for sure. He’s not prepared for this reaction, where Diluc is heartbroken and desperate. He certainly doesn’t expect the tears. Aside from that night, he hasn’t seen Diluc cry since he was fourteen.
“ Please .” Diluc whispers. “Please, please, please…”
Kaeya swallows heavily.
He still has every intention of dying. In fact, he’s already in the process of deciding how he’s going to go about it now. But with someone quite literally begging for him to stay, with tears running messily down his face…
Kaeya is having a hard time not feeling guilty.
-
As it turns out, Diluc is very vigilant in ensuring Kaeya never spends a moment alone. Diluc himself is rarely at the manor during the evenings and early night. He’s at the tavern, or doing his vigilante bit. During that time, Adelinde sits with Kaeya. And if Adelinde doesn’t do it, Millie is the one who keeps him company.
Other than that, Diluc’s presence is nearly suffocating. Kaeya’s practically moved into Diluc’s bedroom, not being able to even sleep by himself. The redhead likes to sleep directly on top of Kaeya, like he’s his own personal pillow. He knows that it’s actually because Diluc doesn’t want him sneaking away while everyone is asleep, so the cuteness of the action is definitely dampened.
And, even though it is absolutely mortifying, he can’t bathe by himself. There’s leniency with the bathroom, but someone stands outside of his door and counts up to five minutes before checking on him.
It feels like he’s trapped. Like a caged animal. He’d have run away long ago, if not for the seal Lisa placed on his arm. A tracker . A temporary one, Barbara claimed during one of her visits. Still. How awful .
So, Kaeya does the only thing he can think of. He starts a hunger strike. Well, not really a strike, because his goal is to slowly starve to death. It’s the only way he’s going to accomplish anything, and if he ends up pissing Diluc off by his refusal to eat? Well, that’s another reason to do this.
He gets found out rather quickly. That’s not surprising, considering the way his every movement is watched.
Diluc is sitting across from him at the dinner table, his expression blank. In front of Kaeya is a plate of chicken-mushroom skewers, untouched and cold. Interestingly enough, Diluc also hasn’t touched his food.
They haven’t spoken a word the entire meal. Kaeya doesn’t talk much nowadays anyways, so this isn’t surprising. He is, however, immensely curious.
“Not hungry?” Kaeya asks, raising an eyebrow.
Diluc raises his as well. “I could ask the same for you.”
“No appetite.” He shrugs.
“Then I suppose I don’t have an appetite either.” The redhead crosses his arms.
Underneath his eyepatch, his eye twitches. He understands very quickly where Diluc is heading with this and he doesn’t like it. Not one bit.
“Don’t let my spoiled appetite ruin dinner for you, Master Diluc.” He gives him a weary smile. “My stomach is very fickle, you see. You’re better off eating without me.”
Diluc snorts. “You, who once ate two entire loaves of Adelinde’s banana bread all by yourself?”
He flushes.
“I was twelve.” Kaeya reminds him. “The diet of a little boy is hardly comparable to now.”
“Either way, I won’t be eating until you do.”
Ah. There it is. He can see it in Diluc’s eyes; checkmate .
“Even if you starve?” He asks.
“Just how long will it take for your appetite to come back, Kaeya?” He begins tapping his fingers against the crook of his elbow. “Surely, you’re starving? I haven’t seen you eat a thing in four days, and neither has anybody else.”
Kaeya has compartmentalized the gnawing hunger clawing within his gut. Yes, it’s awfully painful, but it is a means to an end. Hunger pangs are a delightful reminder of what’s around the corner, of what’s waiting for him should he succeed.
But Diluc is cruel.
His smile sharpens. “I’m just not hungry.”
“You’re a liar.” Diluc says. “I’ll repeat myself; for as long as you starve, I too shall hunger alongside you. It’s only fair, is it not?”
Diluc stares at Kaeya.
Kaeya stares at Diluc.
“Hmm.” Kaeya hums. “I concede.”
He picks up a cold skewer. All at once, the tension leaves Diluc’s body. He picks up his as well, and together they eat in a silence that is much more comfortable than before. Kaeya only manages through one and a half before becoming full, but Diluc seems content with this regardless.
Afterward, they go to bed.
Well, Kaeya gets in bed. Diluc sits at a desk he’s moved into his bedroom, shuffling through papers and signing things here and there. It’s a rather hefty stack, one reminiscent of what a stack of his own paperwork would look like.
He lies on his side, back facing Diluc.
Breathes in. Breathes out. Focuses on the rise and fall of his own chest, and the beat of a healthy heart pumping fresh blood all throughout his veins. How he loathes the feeling of his life, so evident with every exhale he makes.
He wants to rip the veins from his skin. He wants to cut open his chest and pull his ribcage apart so that he may wrench out the heart allowing him to live. In his hands, pulsing and beating, Kaeya would like to squeeze it in his fist and watch it pop.
He wants to die.
He wants to die.
He wants to-
Diluc coughs. The sounds of more paper shuffling. A soft, exasperated sigh meant to be heard only by oneself. Kaeya blinks slowly. Yes, that’s right, Diluc is in the room with him. Like he always is. At this rate, Kaeya will never get the chance to die.
He’d have to do it with Diluc in the room.
When Diluc is busy.
Like he is now.
Kaeya thinks hard. What can he do? How can he possibly go about killing himself while Diluc is but a few feet away? There’s got to be a way, something sharp, something like…like the sharp edge of an icicle. Is Kaeya’s vision close enough? If it is, then summoning something small shouldn’t be a problem.
He concentrates for a moment, and then his heartbeat speeds up. Slowly, but surely, a sharpened piece of ice is forming within his palm. His vision is close, then. Probably hidden somewhere in this very room. What’s Diluc done with it?
Ah. But that doesn’t matter. Diluc will be writing for a few more hours, at the very least, and Kaeya will be bleeding out. Marvelous. Wonderful. Finally .
He places the chunk of ice at the pit of his elbow.
-
“Kaeya?”
Kaeya looks up. “Hello, mama.”
Mama is beautiful. Her hair goes all the way down to the floor, and it’s as blue as his. Mama is always saying that he’s her twin, that when he grows up he’s going to look exactly like her.
“Why are you doing this, my starlight?” She asks. Her voice is sad. Kaeya hates when mama is sad.
He frowns, throwing a glance down at pile of dirt he was playing with. “Kaeya is sorry. He didn’t mean to get dirty.”
Mama shakes her head softly. “Why are you trying to leave?”
“I don’t understand.” Mama isn’t making any sense. He’s right here, is he not?
“It’s not your time to join me.” She puts a delicate hand on top of Kaeya’s head. “The stars are not yet ready for you. You still need to dream of dreaming, my son. To prosper and live, so that our people may one day have another chance at life.”
Dream of dreaming.
Kaeya pouts. “Kaeya wants to play, though.”
She smiles sadly. “I know.”
“Kaeya misses mommy.” Kaeya says.
“I know.”
“Kaeya is tired.” Kaeya says.
“I know.”
“Mother,” Kaeya says, this time much older. “I can’t do this anymore. Please, let me join you once again? Let me be small, big enough to fit inside the cradle of your arms, so that you may rock me to sleep like you once did.”
“And would you live behind your love, so that you may be my baby once again?” Mama sounds…amused.
“My love no longer loves me, mother.” He explains. “Our rotten blood soiled that.”
“Did it now?” She laughs. “How so, when he’s trying so desperately to keep you tethered to the earth?”
Kaeya thinks of sunshine. Of fire, of deep crimson powerful enough to bring life into his desolate soul. Diluc. His sun, his love, his very existence.
“I betrayed him.” He whispers.
“The blood coursing through your veins is no betrayal. You cannot change who you were born as, nor are you to blame for the expectations of your father. You’ve proven to your love that you are loyal, have you not?”
A closes his eyes. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Well dying certainly wouldn’t help anything, would it?” She tilts her head. “Wake up, see the stars from the ground once again. May the sky welcome you.”
Searing, burning hot pain. It hurts, it’s all consuming, his nerves scream with agony-
His eyes jerk open, a scream dying on his lips.
Above him, a panicked Diluc runs white-hot hands down the gashes on his wrists.
“How did you do this?!” Diluc yells at him, voice raw.
Kaeya, for the first time, bursts into tears.
“I’m sorry,” he cries. The burn of his cauterized wounds hold nothing on the tearing sensation within his heart. “For everything. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m just so tired.”
Diluc puts his hands on his shoulders and squeezes. “Kaeya, how did you make these wounds?”
“Ice.” He chokes out. “I made an icicle.”
“Fuck.” Diluc curses. A rare thing, he’d always found swear words nasty. “ Fuck . You’ve lost so much blood, Kae. Adelinde is getting a healer, okay?”
Kaeya nods his head frantically. Diluc abruptly pulls him to his chest, his own set of sobs leaving his lips. He rocks Kaeya back and forth.
“I love you.” Diluc says. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” Kaeya responds in earnest. “I-I am…I am so sorry. Please don’t leave me again.”
“Kaeya.” Diluc chokes. “It is you who is trying to leave me .”
Diluc places his hands, still warm, on Kaeya’s tear stained cheeks. He presses their foreheads together. Kaeya's own hands, trembling from pain, rest at the crook of Diluc’s elbows.
“This is my fault.” Diluc says softly.
Kaeya shakes his head. “No.”
“But it is.” There’s painful resignation written all over his face. “If I didn’t cast you away, if I had only listened, then…then you wouldn’t be trying to leave. I’ve wronged you so deeply, Kaeya. But I need you to live, okay? Live so that I can right my mistakes. Live so that I can love you as you deserve. Please, please, I’ll beg for as long as I need to.”
“I don’t know if I can.” His breath catches on another sob. “I don’t want to be alive anymore, Luc. It hurts.”
“I know, sweetheart. I can’t imagine what you must be going through right now.” His thumbs move to wipe away some of his tears. “But we’ll triumph. I’ll never leave you again, not for as long as I live.”
Kaeya swallows heavily. “Swear it.”
“On my father’s grave,” Diluc says solemnly. “I swear to always be at your side.”
Kaeya cries even harder. He’s lightheaded, dizzy. His vision is speckled with flecks of black. Blood loss? Exhaustion from crying?
“Don’t go to sleep.” Diluc releases his face to shake his shoulders urgently. “The healers are almost here. Stay awake until then.”
“I’m tired.” He repeats for the thousandth time. “Can’t I rest for a little while?”
“No.” He shakes him even harder. It’s to no avail; Kaeya’s eyes grow heavier by the second.
“I’ll see you when I wake up.” Kaeya promises.
“ Kaeya !”
He sleeps.
-
He’s warm all over. Kaeya huffs out a displeased breath, and the warmth shifts. He feels hands on his face, brushing away the strands of hair covering his eye. Slowly, he blinks them open and comes face to face with a haggard looking Diluc.
“It’s been a week.” Is the first thing he says. “Gods, Kaeya.”
Kaeya rubs the heel of his palm into his eye before sitting up. Diluc scoots back, allowing him room to do so. He’s…numb. There’s no pain anywhere. He glances down at his wrists, taking in the thick bandages that are wrapped tightly around what he knows is a nasty wound.
Will it scar? A part of him hopes so.
“A week, hm?” He stretches, taking a leisure sort of satisfaction at the way his back pops.
Diluc frowns deeply.
“You must be hungry.” He says.
Not particularly. But Kaeya is done making Diluc worried. He doesn’t deserve this sort of stress. It’s undeniable that if Kaeya had it his way, he’d be dead right now. But it is also undeniable that dying will destroy Diluc.
He doesn’t want to hurt him anymore.
“Yes.” He licks his lips. “A bath, first.”
Diluc reaches over to the nightstand to pull a lever that’s against the wall. Kaeya knows that it’s attached to a string that leads to a bell in the servants quarters, alerting them to Master Diluc’s needs. As children, they’d get in trouble for pulling the bells.
It’s not long after that Kaeya is ushered into the bathroom, Diluc in tow.
He’s not sure what possesses him to ask, but the words are tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop them. “Bathe with me.”
Diluc doesn’t say anything. He just strips down alongside Kaeya, easing into the warm water. Kaeya situates himself between Diluc’s legs, his back pressed firmly against the other’s chest. In response, Diluc wraps his arms around Kaeya and holds him tightly.
“I won’t try it again.” He says.
Diluc rests his cheek on top of Kaeya’s head.
“I don’t believe you.” He replies softly.
He hums. “I know.”
A beat of silence.
“I don’t want to live.” Kaeya speaks the obvious. “But I’ll try. I don’t know how to prove it to you.”
“Prove it by at least attempting to get better.” Diluc traces soothing circles onto Kaeya’s collarbone. “No more laying around and wallowing.”
Kaeya snorts. “I suppose that’s fair. I want to go back to work.”
Diluc tenses. “That’s not a good idea.”
“Obviously I won’t be allowed to do field work.” Kaeya sighs. “But as it stands, my only purpose in life is to be watched like a damn hawk. It is impossibly boring.”
Diluc thinks about it for a moment. “I’ll see if Jean will be willing to let you do paperwork here.”
Well. It’s something, at least.
“Okay.” He shifts, turning around so that he’s facing Diluc now. “Hey, Luc?”
“Hm?”
“Kiss me?”
Diluc’s eyes dart to his lips. “Are you sure?”
Kaeya nods.
Diluc kisses him.
He tastes sour, like morning breath. Kaeya smiles into the press of his lips. No doubt, after a week of being unable to rinse his mouth, he tastes just as bad. Diluc doesn’t complain and neither does he.
He settles back down. By now, the water has turned lukewarm.
“Can you take me to town today?” He asks. “I miss it.”
“Of course.” Diluc nuzzles into the crook of his neck. “Anything for you, my love.”
The budding of something that could be called content builds in his chest. It’s not happiness. Nowhere close to it, actually, but it’s the start of it. He thinks that as long as he has Diluc, perhaps living won’t be so bad.