Chapter Text
The night was just a few degrees colder than usual, but Aleks felt the difference and hated it. Even having shelter for the first night in a while didn’t make him feel much better. The place they had found was absolute shit and splinters were digging into his skin every way he turned and he only had one blanket.
Absolute shit.
Aleks tossed and turned on the hard wooden floor for what seemed like ages before exhaustion finally took over and he began to drift off. A creaking of floorboards caused him to pry open his eyes the tiniest bit and see the blurry outline of James' shoes. A new warmth covered him, his eyes slipped shut again and everything faded away.
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He’s in a forest, a cold forest. Everything is dark and the wind is whistling through the trees angrily. Aleks stops, realizing he’s lost and alone, but then he remembers that he can’t be lost because he doesn’t know where he came from. He starts walking again, but he can’t move right. His movements are jerky, his steps uneven and everything feels wrong. He stops again, blinking. Off in the distance he thinks he can see a light, but that’s ridiculous. Here in this dark place of blacks and grays there’s no room for warmth, for something as bright as a small orange flame. Briefly, Aleks wonders when he began thinking this way. Devoid of colors. But the flickering flame is still there and it’s not leaving. It’s small and far away but it’s strong and suddenly Aleks feels an intense need to go towards it. To touch it and embrace it. Maybe it will warm his cold bones.
He tries to go towards it again but it’s even harder to move this time and he’s so slow. He’s still struggling when he catches something out of the corner of his eye. Slowly turning his head, he sees that he’s surrounded by people. His friends. There’s Jordan, his next-door neighbor who would always come over and help him with his computer problems. He’s still wearing that stupid red baseball cap even though it’s dirtier than Aleks remembers and it’s spotted with suspicious stains. Right now he’s clutching a baseball bat in shaking hands.
There’s also Dan, dirty and ragged. He was always hanging out with Jordan and making dumb jokes. Even now he’s standing beside him, eyes wide and beard scraggly and unkempt.
Next to Dan and Jordan is Seamus. Always so stoic and cool, now he looks more wired and nervous than Aleks has ever seen him. He remembers meeting him in college, staying friends through the years. Seamus always complained about how dumb Aleks’ other friends were but he always stuck around.
Last is Kevin. He was that one friend who came out of nowhere and no one is quite sure how, but they’re as much a part of the group as anyone. He latched on to Aleks as soon as he met him, but Aleks feels like he hasn’t seen him in years. He’s not sure why but he’s not sure of anything anymore.
The only one not there is his best friend, James. Aleks hopes he's ok. James has been there since college, always around. He's never far away, especially nowadays, but looking around, he's nowhere to be found. Aleks turns back towards the fire. He'll show up, just like he always does.
Feeling a rush of nostalgia, Aleks steps closer to the group huddled around the fire. The bright light blinds him momentarily, but for some reason he can't feel the heat.
Looking around, he realizes that his old friends are around him but they’re not smiling or running towards him. Aleks was always the reason his friends knew each other, the glue of the group. But now he’s alone, singled out and ignored.
At first Aleks thinks that they might not be able to see him, but that hope is shattered when he notices that they’re all staring straight at him. Their eyes are wide and their mouths open, but their expressions are not of relief or happy surprise. They look terrified.
“Guys!” Aleks calls. “It’s me. Jordan, Kevin? It’s me, Aleks.”
Kevin backs up a little, looking startled. Aleks sags in relief. He heard him.
But apparently not because Kevin looks over at Jordan and says, “So are you going to kill it?”
“I wish you wouldn’t put it like that,” Jordan grumbles. “They’re already dead.” And he raises a gun, brought seemingly out of nowhere, and points it at Aleks. Right at his head.
“What, no! Guys?” Aleks sputters. “I’m not…I’m not dead. I’m alive. It’s me!”
No response, not even a twitch.
He looks over at the orange light, still lit, still beckoning. He would never get there now, never know what it would have felt like to touch it. He would always be cold and dark.
He looks back at the pale faces of his friends. Jordan’s hands shaking as he holds the gun. Dan blinking nervously. Seamus tense and Kevin fidgeting, looking away. Then he looks down at his hands. They’re withered, gray and peeling. He really is dead. He’s a monster.
Raising his head, Aleks squeezes his eyes shut. He never hears the shot.
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"Aleks!"
Aleks sat up, making his head spin. He gripped his forehead, wincing as his heart raced. A warm hand touched his shoulder
"Hey man. You okay?"
He nodded, taking a deep breath.
"Just a bad dream."
James, bless him, didn't need any more of an explanation."Right. Well, it's time to get a move on. We stay here much longer and we'll be icicles or zombie food. Or both."
"Wait, what?" Aleks squinted at James, noticing that it was light. Of course. James had let him sleep through the night again. He sighed, scrubbing at his face. "James..."
"What?" James snapped, standing up. "Come on, we have to go." And he was gone. Aleks shook his head, letting the blankets fall off of him. He stopped, picking up the second one and looking at it. James must have put it on him last night.
Feeling almost refreshed, he stood up and looked to his left at the dirty windowpane. The cold was still in the air, but now the sun was shining down, warming the up earth just the tiniest bit.
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They had been walking for half a day and Aleks' feet hurt. He wanted to complain, but he didn't want to set James off. It was hard these days to discern what kind of mood he was in and Aleks wasn't feeling up to an argument. Although it felt like they had been walking forever. James was ahead of Aleks, his hands in his pockets. The axe strapped to his back was swinging to the rhythm of his gait. Aleks watched it for a while, boredom clouding his mind. He almost forgot the aching pain in his feet until he stepped wrong on a rock, turning his ankle.
"Ouch. Dammit!"
James stopped.
"Aleks, you ok?" he asked over his shoulder.
Aleks gritted his teeth. "I'm fine. I just stepped weird."
James kept looking at him, eyes narrowed a little bit. Aleks sighed, rolling his eyes. "I promise, James. I'll walk it off," he said, refusing to say any more. He glared back at James until he turned back around, defeated.
"Sure, whatever you say Aleksandr." He started walking again. Aleks took a step. His ankle hurt a little bit, but it wasn't anything he couldn’t handle. It didn't seem like anything as small as a hurt foot should count when something so big was happening all around them. Aleks decided he could suck up a little pain. God knows how lucky he was to even be alive and not some rotting glassy-eyed monster. He could also be alone too. He shuddered at the mere thought. He couldn't imagine doing everything that he and James had done alone; he was sure that he would be dead ten times over. Hell, he should have died in the first week.
Aleks remembered the carnage and chaos that had filled the outside world. He would never forget the first zombie that he had seen, a girl, no older than ten. She had been shuffling toward him, her arms outstretched. He remembered as clear as day that looked like a normal little girl except for the gaping hole in her abdomen. He had stopped cold, staring, mesmerized by her eyes and staring at her groping hands, until James' swearing had cut into his stupor and a hand pulled him away. He had had to turn away as James finished her off, tears pricking his eyes. It was then that the horrible reality had crashed down on him and it had almost crushed him.
Aleks shook his head, realizing that he shouldn't be so off guard. They hadn't seen many zombies yet today and the sun was still high in the sky, but Aleks knew from experience that one could never be too careful. He sped up and fell into step beside James, hoisting his pack higher on his back.
They walked on with a little conversation until the sun was lower in the sky. For the past half hour, Aleks' feet had begun to protest until he couldn't ignore them any longer. He stopped and swatted James' arm.
"Hey, I need to go," he pointed to the trees to his left.
"You just went,” James glared at him.
“I know, I know, but please?”
“Fine. You want me to..."
"No, James. I think I'll be ok; I'll be literally like ten feet away. Okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," James waved him away, sitting down on a rock, back to him. "Just don't fucking take forever."
Aleks made his way into the forest until he found a pretty good clump of trees. He sat down, groaning. He took one of his shoes off, massaging his sore foot and wiggling his toes.
"Damn, that hurts," he winced. He could feel how tight his muscles were as he tried to stretch his foot. Grimacing, he took off the other shoe, inspecting it before he put it next to the other one. It was ratty and gross, which was understandable. Aleks wrinkled his nose anyway.
He leaned back against a tree, closing his eyes. After only a minute he opened them again. James would kill him if he didn't hurry back. He slipped his shoes back on and stood up, his legs now protesting as well.
"For fuck's sake, I might as well be eighty," he muttered.
When he entered the clearing he had left James in, he saw him pacing back and forth, his pack on the ground, but his axe in hand. He looked up as soon as he heard Aleks.
"Took you long enough."
Aleks shrugged, "Yeah, sorry. Hey, can we take a break. It doesn't have to be long, but I'm pretty beat."
"Sounds good to me," James said, sitting down next to his pack. He opened it, rooting around before he produced a water bottle. "Thirsty?"
"Yeah, actually," Aleks took it, unscrewing the cap as he settled down next to him. "How long have we walked today?"
James squinted at the sun. “Five or six hours I'd say. Good progress."
"Oh yeah, for sure," Aleks squeezed some of the water into his mouth, and then handed the bottle to James. He took it with a yawn. "You look tired by the way."
James stopped yawning and shot Aleks a look, but Aleks was feeling stubborn so he ignored him. "This is the third night in a row you've let me sleep all night."
"So what, Aleks? You needed the sleep."
"So it's not happening again, James. And don't give me bullshit. You need sleep more than I do right now."
"Don't fucking tell me what I need Aleksandr."
"Now you're just being stubborn. You know I'm right."
"I know you're being an asshole!"
"God, James! I'm just saying that I want my equal share of the night watch. Why is that so hard for you to get through your thick skull?"
Aleks couldn't understand why James was acting like such a child.
James didn't answer. He stood up instead, stalking away.
"Where are you going?" Aleks called, but he didn't get a reply. He sighed, leaning back, closing his eyes. James was in one of those moods where he refused to talk to Aleks, usually for some petty argument like this. All Aleks wanted was a rest and he was determined to get one, James mad at him or not. He knew better than to go to sleep, so he sat, his eyes half lidded, listening to the birds.
After a few minutes he wondered where James had gone, but he was still annoyed, so he didn't think too hard about it. He sure wasn't going to fucking search for him.
Aleks’ fingers brushed the pistol hanging at his side. Kevin had given it to him. God knows where he got a gun from in the first place, but there was no reason to question it now. There were only a few bullets left, but the weapon had proved invaluable. Aleks tried not to think about Kevin though. It hurt too much. There was still hope that he and his other friends were still alive, but for all Aleks knew, that's how it would stay. Nothing but hopes forever.
He shook his head, determined not to think about it. Running his fingers through his hair, he felt how long it was getting again. He frowned at the thought of a haircut because James had given him his last one with his hunting knife and it had hurt like a bitch. Shaving with that thing was no fun either, but Aleks grew maybe five facial hairs a month so that was alright.
Aleks sat there for a long time breathing in the sunshine and cool air. The grass beneath him was crumbling and the trees were looking more skeletal, but today it was if spring had returned. It wouldn't last long, so he was going to enjoy it while it did. When the world was the way it was, you had to enjoy the little things. It was that or lose hope completely, and Aleks had already been there and wasn't going back.
Only a few months ago, he had been in a dark place and he never wanted a repeat of the sleepless nights and hopeless days. He wouldn't have made it if James hadn't found him. James had had to force him to eat or do anything after that until Aleks' mind had finally cleared a little.
But now Aleks tried not to think about James. He wasn't far away, just sulking somewhere, and Aleks berated the niggling of nervousness scratching at the back of his mind. He still hated being alone and James knew it. Aleks figured this was his way of getting revenge. Fuck that, Aleks wasn't a paranoid kid. He wasn't going to go find James and let him win. It wasn't so bad, even in the woods. Compared to the city, this was bliss. They had seen maybe five Zombies today and after having seen five hundred on a good day, Aleks was pretty relaxed. Things seemed almost normal sometimes. It was only the small things that were different in times like now. Missing things. Things like the quiet roaring of an airplane, the buzzing of telephone wires, cars in the background. Things like that were easy to ignore, like Aleks was doing now. If he just closed his eyes...he could pretend that nothing had ever happened.