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The day was dark, clouds covering the sun so that shadows cast blended into the ground- but the three of them wore clothes as if it were a blazing summer day.
I didn’t see their faces, but the backs of their heads were all I needed to know who they were.
Alice, Ron, and Madison- friends of mine from high school.
The three of them walked in the front, talking and laughing as friends are supposed to.
We were friends, but I definitely didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve any of their forgiveness after what I’d done to them- after what I’d let my mother do to them.
So walked a few steps behind, gazing absently at the ground.
I don’t know why it felt so... lonely, they were really only a few steps in front of me- but in that moment it felt like I was completely by myself again.
I didn’t talk or laugh.
My eyes traced concrete ground as we walked, following stray pebbles with my eyes whenever one got in front of my nearly dragging feet.
I was the odd one out amongst them all- whether it was with them, or Monty and Jerome, or Cindy and the Huxleys, or even Lily and Billy... Any of our hangouts, group chats, project- I was always the one that hung in the back.
I was weird.
I was different.
I want to go home.
And then I was.
Or- well, it was definitely in the house I grew up in.
But no longer could I call it home.
“Penny, dear, come on. It’s time for school.”
No-
No
No
No
No
No!
I couldn’t breath- couldn’t feel anything except a freezing sensation that seemed to travel through my bones.
I never want to go back there!
I was suffocating.
Please don't make me go back…
I want to go to my real home-
Please don't make me do bad things anymore…
“Penny.”
She was behind me but I couldn't turn around- her hazy voice slithering into my muddled head.
“Penny.”
I really couldn’t escape her, could I?
For all I’d done I was damned to this torture - her forever living in my head as long as I live.
“Penny!” Her voice was suddenly… changing . It was becoming less proper, more desperate.
And then I was in the school-
I was in… Kindergarten.
Someone lay before me, still and unmoving- chestnut hair splayed out behind her head in a messy ponytail.
My chest shook with the effort of pulling in each quivering breath, falling to my knees when deep grief made my heart sink to my feet and tears flow freely down my cheeks.
I know her. I did that. I killed her.
“Penny!”
No- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-
I slowly crawled over to the corpse, blood staining my small hands as I reached out towards her- my mind screaming at me to just stop.
I need help-
“Penny, please wake up!”
Hadn’t I already done enough?
Please help…
I turned her over, my hand leaving a dark red smear on her forest-green hoodie.
“Penny! So help me I- oh geez- please please wake up!”
Somebody please save me.
I was reminded once more how thin the air around me felt as I saw her face. Her normally caramel complexion was now pale and ghastly, her eyes empty and glazed over.
Her eyes- they were… haunting.
Carla, please forgive me...
And suddenly I was awake.
I was ok.
My skin was slick and cold with sweat, the air suddenly breathable again- my chest aching as I pulled in breath after breath of cool, fresh air.
“Penny! My Penny- you’re ok, ok mi corazon? I'm here, now and forever- I’ll never leave you, not ever. You’re safe. You’re safe…” A voice was in my ear, murmuring soft words to me- the familiarity of it causing a calmness to settle over me as I focused in on it, clinging on to their presence.
They held me close , rocking me back and forth in their arms and rubbing soft circles into my back, encouraging me to breathe in between assurances of my safety. Their voice was raspy and familiar to my ears, soothing me into truly believing every word they uttered.
A faint lightbulb went off in my head.
Carla.
She was ok?
I didn’t…
I felt teary relief as my memory seemed to start working again, an unfortunate consequence of my panic attacks normally ending in some sort of malfunction in my systems , tilting my head slightly so that my forehead rested comfortably in the crook of her neck.
Her murmurs died off and all was silent besides her heartbeat thrumming in my ears and our gentle breathing, mine maybe a little shaky.
“Do you want me to make some hot chocolate? I’ve also still got those cookies from Lily on the counter if you want a snack too?” She asked, breaking the silence of the dark. “We could even make it a movie night if you want..?”
We both already knew my answer- her shifting to let me up and then her following me, our hands finding each other in the dark (mine always cold and hers warm), before we walked out into the kitchen together.
Carla flipped on the dimmest light setting as to not be too hard on our still sleepy eyes, her going to the cabinet to retrieve the powdered beverage mix and myself sitting at one of the wooden counter stools.
This was a weekly occurrence for the two of us, these little hot-chocolate movie nights.
I’d learned to not voice my guilt a long time ago, after apology after apology to Carla, who’s always assured me that it wasn't my fault how i'd been raised, what i'd been turned into, and that she loved me no matter what.
Watching her now, caramel skin glowing even under dimmed lights and amber eyes sparkling as she hummed the tune of a song I recognized as one of her favorites- two Christmas-themed mugs on the counter that she carefully stirred a couple scoops of brown powder and marshmallows into.
This was the love of my life, the woman who'd fixed that which was broken inside of me. She protected me.
It was weird, considering she used to hate my guts. Back in Kindergarten, through middle when I returned from being physically repaired, and even part of highschool.
In fact, it was crazy to me how much she’s changed since then.
How much we’ve both changed.
She loathed me, hated me- for a good reason, really, especially when her best friends were either in the same boat or, in Alice’s case, terrified of me after I 'dared' come back in middle school.
I had been alone- besides a few scattered friendly faces such as Kidd and Theodore.
Nobody really wanted to talk or be around me for the longest time- and while I deserved it I still felt… betrayed, somehow. I never attended parties or dances, never ‘hung out’ with my peers, and tended to end up doing group projects alone.
But I guess our Junior year of high school had been the breaking point- the point where I realized that I didn’t want to be alone anymore, figuring I should tackle the problem from the source.
Something in them must have snapped too because when I finally found the confidence to attempt to apologize to them again, to hopefully become friends, they had approached me first.
And, suddenly, I wasn’t alone anymore.
That wasn’t all- as it turns out, Carla hadn’t hated me quite as much as I’d always thought…
Two months later she asked me to the homecoming dance and we’ve been inseparable ever since.
Weirdly enough, the one I’d always thought despised me the most ended up being the best thing to happen to me.
Carla held out one of the two steaming mugs to me, a soft smile on her lips as I took it from her with a quiet thanks. Her warmth sunk into my very soul as I followed her to the couch, setting the mug on the wicker side table next to hers and a small plate of chocolate chip cookies Lily had brought over to us yesterday.
She was an incredible baker, and we were happy to try out any new recipes she attempted in her free time when she wasn’t on some case or filling out numerous stacks of paperwork.
Scrolling through the movies we’d downloaded over time, Carla landed on one we’d seen a million times and shared a mutual love for.
One of her arms was draped over me, who lay nearly on top of her with my head settled comfortably on her chest, one hand combing through my hair gently. Her other hand between mine, my fingers twisting and fiddling with the silver band around her ring finger- much resembling the one around my own.
This, despite being the result of my terror, was perfect.
“I love you, Penny. Always will. ” She said softly, her words just slightly louder than the tv’s chatter.
She was perfect.
“I love you too, Carla."
I let my fingers shift between hers, her hand calloused and scarred from her various mechanic jobs.
“Thank you for saving me.”