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Among the many new things Kou had done over the course of the past few weeks, she still never saw herself enjoying a party. But Nao had invited her. He wanted to include her. She wasn’t letting that go to waste.
So there she stood in the corner of some crew member’s living room, watching them all celebrate the wrap of their latest project. She had a plastic cup of soda in her hand, gripping it far too tight with the hope that drinking something, even if it was just a room temperature Fanta, would calm her nerves. The lights were too dim yet too bright at the same time, the music and obnoxious laughter all too loud.
She gripped the cup tighter with a crunch.
“Oi, Sakuragi!” Yokkun, perceptive as ever, had finally noticed her hiding in the corner. “Nao-Chan’s over getting some food. Why don’t you go find him?” Whether this was an attempt to include her or a way to make sure someone kept an eye on her, Kou couldn’t tell. Her brain was far too frayed to try and decipher his motives.
It was also too frayed to reply.
Fucking say something. Don’t just stand there gaping like a fish. But no matter how hard she tried, the words wouldn’t come. Yokkun waited for a reply, and when none came, he pat her shoulder, not missing the hyper aware flinch. “Hang in there. Maybe go get some fresh air, yeah?” He left her with that advice.
The time after seemed to blur together. She could have stood there for minutes or hours, she couldn’t tell. What became painfully clear to her, however, was that Yokkun must have voiced his concerns to Nao, as he quickly left the kitchen, looking much more concerned than he had going in. He scanned the room, speed walking over when he set his sights on Kou.
“Kou-kun?!” He rushed up to her. Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to notice. He was supposed to have fun. For fuck sake, she was supposed to be having fun. She always wallowed about not being included and when she is she just—
She was broken out of her thoughts when the sound of a closing door made her flinch, realizing the party wasn’t nearly as loud. What was loud, however, were her gasping breaths.
“Kou-kun, Kou-kun, hey,” Nao tried, loud enough to get over her gasps but quiet enough to not startle her. “Hey…can you breathe with me?”
“I-I’m sorry-! I’m sorry, you can go back to th-“
“No, no, Kou-kun…” Nao frowned, face softening a bit hearing the tears in her voice. “I want to help…let’s breathe together and we can talk out here, okay? Is it okay to, uh…” he lifted his hands just a bit, to which Kou hesitantly nodded. She wanted it so bad. But she knew she didn’t deserve it-
Her thoughts were once again cut off when Nao’s hands reached up to ever so gently cup her face. He was so careful…as if she were a porcelain doll he cherished so much…she stared anywhere but where Nao was, avoiding eye contact like it would kill her.
“Kou-kun…look at me, please?” It came as more of a nervous request than a demand, his voice so soft and clear that she couldn’t help but do as he asked. The first nanosecond of eye contact was all it took to break her. Tears poured down her face as she desperately sniffled against her still struggling breaths. Nao looked so worried for her, like his heart broke watching her like this. “Can I hug you?” He asked softly. After more hesitation and a soft nod, he closed her arms around her.
One can’t cure mental illness with a hug, people will scream at you for hours about that any day of the week. But it would be a disservice to not acknowledge the world of help it did for Kou. She was still breathing too fast, but having Nao’s arms around her gave her the escape she needed to start working on that. He was so warm, strong yet comfortable arms holding her on his shoulder. His shirt had a permanent smell of sugar and coffee from his job, but that wasn’t a bad thing, per se. It smelled like Nao. It was familiar. Warmth. The smell of sweet lattes. A strong heartbeat. She had someone by her side.
Nao’s hand planted on her back, rubbing up and down slowly in time with his breaths. “Just match my breathing, okay?” He cooed, “Just breathe in time with my hand, take your time.”
Kou tried. It wasn’t perfect at first. The breaths were shaky and choppy at best, strangled cries and wheezes at worst. But with time and Nao’s sweet patience, she found it easier to keep trying. Nao was true to his word, he stayed with her in that position until her breathing had settled.
She squirmed a bit. The sensation of breath on her skin was starting to make her uncomfortable, it always did. Although Nao was totally airheaded at times, he could take that hint. “Wanna get more comfy?” He hummed, patting her back encouragingly. Kou nodded and moved so her head was in Nao’s lap, perfect for him to play with her hair (after asking for permission of course).
“Why didn’t you come get me, Kou-kun?” The question wasn’t pointed, wasn’t implying anything at all. It was laced with worry and a want to help.
“I…y-you seemed to be having so much fun…”
“But it’s not really fun if my girlfriend isn’t having fun too,” he stroked her cheek with his thumb, wiping some old tear tracks. “I never want you to think you’re a bother…”
“B-but I always talk about how nice it feels when you include me…I-if I can’t just get over some feelings and enjoy it then I don’t deserve to-!”
“Hey, hey, that’s not true…” he rubbed her shoulder. “Just because you want to be included doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be overwhelmed…it doesn’t make me think you don’t appreciate it…it’s not your fault you have anxiety, y’know…it doesn’t make you selfish or burdensome or any of those awful things you’re thinking…you’re still my girlfriend, who I love for so many reasons. And loving you is something I’ll never get sick of.”
Kou didn’t know what to say in return. Her brain was still barely able to come up with a reply. “…’m sorry…” she mumbled by default.
“No sorries, no sorries…” Nao played with her hair some more.
Kou, verbal abilities completely depleted (like her health bar was red, she thought), turned and nuzzled into Nao’s stomach. Said stomach shook a little with fond laughter. “Aww…there we go…’s okay, Kou-kun, nobody’s mad, just me and you…”
After a few moments, it had grown quiet. Too quiet. Kou hated the quiet. It reeked of unspoken confrontation, a bubble that needed to burst. Someone had to break the silence and it terrified her.
“S-sorry, um…”
“Hmm?” Nao hummed lovingly, brushing some hair from her face.
“C-c’n you, um…” she racked her brain for the right words. Instead, she made a talking motion with her hand.
“Hm? Oh, you want me to talk? What about?”
She shrugged. She could feel a slight buzz from Nao’s sweatshirt pocket, where he pulled out his phone. He must have texted Yokkun at some point. “Hey, can I open the door just a crack?” He hummed. Kou hid further in his jacket and nodded, hearing the muffled party noises get clearer for a moment before muffling again. “Alright, all clear.” he smiled.
Kou looked up, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. On the doorstep, Nao had another red plastic cup and a small duffel bag, one he always had on him.
“Wanna see my camera? I can tell you all the different parts! That’s something to talk about, right?”
Somewhere in her mind, Kou felt relieved. She was worried Nao would keep trying to talk about all these difficult topics. A camera she could handle. She situated herself next to Nao and nodded.
“Oh! But can you try drinking a bit first? It’s just juice, I promise. You need to stay hydrated!”
With a hesitant nod, Kou took the cup. She trusted him. After drinking through slow sips, she sat with her back against the door with Nao and looked at the camera.
“So! Hmmm, where to begin! I mean, I love Cameras because there’s so many buttons to fidget with!” He beamed, letting Kou take the camera with careful hands and watching as she started fiddling with a dial on the front.
“That’s the F-stop! That’s one of the three settings you can control that change the amount of light in a shot! The F-stop tells the camera how wide the little diaphragm inside should open. The lower the f-stop, the wider it gets, so the more light gets in. But at a low F-stop, the background gets blurry!”
Kou listened to his rambling, fiddling with the dial. She could slowly feel herself getting her voice back. “What are…the other two?” She whispered.
“Hm? Oh! Another one is the shutter speed! That’s this one up here.” Nao took the opportunity and closed his hand over hers, guiding it up to a dial on the left. His warm hand closed over hers and rubbed circles with his thumb as he explained. “The shutter speed is how long the lens stays open and captures light. It’s measured in fractions of a second, so the higher the shutter speed, less light gets allowed in. Oh, but with low shutter speeds, shots can get blurry!”
Kou nodded along, shyly hooking one finger around his. She could hear the soft chuckle from Nao, even the little smile in his voice as he leaned forward to peck her temple. “And the last one is ISO…don’t ask me what it stands for, I don’t remember.”
Kou giggled wetly with him, looking down to where his other hand pointed, to a dial on the right. “It’s just how sensitive the light sensor is. The only thing is, the higher it is, the more noise gets in the shot, so we try to keep it low.”
The camera, still off, took all the clicking and fidgeting Kou put into it. Nao sat and watched her play with it for a while, getting her nervous energy out with the repetitive little movements. “Wanna go back to my place?” He offered.
“W-huh?! N-no, you can still enjoy the party-!”
“Actually, I’m feeling pretty tired, I’m sure you are too,” he smiled, “we can just wind down and get all snuggled up!”
The prospect of snuggles was a tempting offer. Kou nodded against his shoulder and the blonde helped her up. They stood for a moment before Nao broke. “…but I hope you don’t mind if I ransack the table for some sweets to take with me…”
Kou couldn’t help the amused snort that burst forth. She couldn’t help but imagine a video game character having looted too much and now his inventory was too full. “Go ahead-“ she giggled.
“Really?! Yay!” Nao beamed, rushing in and re-emerging momentarily with a comically large stack of snacks on a paper plate.
“You sure you shouldn’t have gone into engineering?” She asked, marveling at how Nao had strategically stacked each snack so it wouldn’t fall over even at its height.
“Huh? Whaddaya mean?” Nao blinked, quirking his head in confusion.
“N-Nevermind-“ Kou chuckled at her airhead boyfriend.