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It's been three years since debut and 6 years since Yoongi joined Big Hit with nothing but big dreams and an unshakable faith in his talent. 

When he first joined, it was just him and Namjoon, a 16 year old lanky limbed nerdy kid that just happened to be a fire spitting underground rapper, soon they were joined by Hoseok, a street dancer and despite the discipline and dedication the boy showed to become a rapper it still made Yoongi suspicious as to why Bang pd would cast a dancer in for their group when it was supposed to be a hip hop group to begin with.

They promised him there would be no dancing, that all he had to worry about was rapping and producing music but had been utter and complete bullshit as he would come to find out when the next person joined the trainee program. A prim and proper college student that just happened to look straight out of a shoujo manga, Seokjin was studying to become an actor, he had zero experience with anything related to music but god dammit he was handsome.

Yoongi thought it was fine, maybe the eye candy would get more female fans and they can still be a serious hip hop act, Seokjin was an actor, he could learn to act like a rapper, right?

Yoongi was just coming to terms with this, when on the very same day, they announced the other trainee and it was a child, a literal baby. Jungkook was 14 years old, a middle school kid with big eyes and a big nose, what would a kid his age even rap about? His broken crayons? 

It was demented, it was absurd, a disaster and huge mistake and he made sure to tell Namjoon how he felt but the younger simply gave him an apologetic smile and awkwardly placed his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder before dropping the bomb.

“They won’t be rapping hyung, they’re singers”

Fucking hell , was all Yoongi could think after he heard about the new plan of debuting as an idol group. The company promised to retain their hip hop roots musicaly but that would mean they also had to deal with all the crap being an idol intends. Yoongi wanted to leave, drop out from this tiny and unknown company and try his luck somewhere else but he believed in Hoseok and Namjoon, he believed in mr. Bang's vision, so he stayed. 

And when a funny looking hyper farmer kid from Daegu and a baby-faced contemporary dancer from Busan joined the group later on, Yoongi knew their fate had been sealed.

they were now an idol group.

Let it be known that Min Yoongi is not one to walk away from a challenge, so he learned to dance, he put up with the media training, he got his makeup done and he even did fanservice. He did everything an idol was supposed to do and now they finally had started to see the fruits of their labor, they were getting sponsors, their album sales were steadily growing, their videos were getting more and more views and the venues they played at just kept getting bigger. 

But Yoongi had never been so miserable. 

It had gotten so bad that at the mr. Bang's insistence, he had begun visiting a therapist. At first he thought that they would just tell him that he was too stressed and tell him that he should take a break and that would be it, he would never go back because that was pretty much impossible. How could they stop now when they’re just starting to take off?

Turns out he was completely wrong. 

He came back from his first appointment emotionally drained and overwhelmed, diagnosed with depression resulting from untreated adhd and social anxiety steaming from his social isolation. 

And his first instinct was to lock himself in the darkness of his studio and channel it all into a song like he usually did, like he’s been doing for most of his life but clearly, that coping mechanism wasn’t working for him since he ended up making things worse and feeling just as bad even when everything around him was looking up. 

And sure- he may have gotten a lot of music out of this- enough to create a full solo mixtape that he’d be releasing by the end of the year but while his declining mental health was productive music wise, it was also affecting his life, most importantly his relationships. 

The members had become closer to the members than he is with his family, they were together all the time, they wanted the same things and they shared values and visions and supported each other through thick and thin and yet, Yoongi felt that he wasn’t as close to them as he could be and that it was mostly his own fault.

He loved and cared about them of course, though he would probably never say it outloud and maybe that was part of the problem. He just couldn’t completely let his guard down around them. Around Namjoon and Hoseok, he had to stand tall as the eldest of the rap line, as brothers in arms, the three used their lyrics to defend the group against the many criticisms they received throughout the years.

To the maknae line, he was supposed to be the second eldest, plenty of times, he had to be the stern figure to put Jimin and Taehyung in their place and interfered in their childish arguments and to Jungkook- well Jungkook didn’t really need him, the kid didn’t really cause any trouble but he still looked at Yoongi with a certain admiration that made him feel like had to work hard to be worthy of it. 

And then there was Seokjin, his Jin hyung had always been an enigma to him. On paper, the two were complete opposites, Seokjin came from a very wealthy, supportive and traditional, close knit family, he was a college student, that got casted simply because of his looks and seemed to breeze through life getting what he wanted simply because he was blessed with privileges most people couldn’t dream of.

Yoongi on the other hand, had been literally starving when he auditioned to join the company. He had spent all his money on transportation so he could make it to Seoul so he hadn’t eaten for a whole day by the time he stepped on that stage and gambled his future on the few verses he spitted out. 

His parents had never been supportive of his dream, only now they were starting to come around and began to approve of his career choice but he felt that it was only because he was finally getting a taste of success and earning some real money, so naturally he still held a bit of resentment towards them as for his older brother had encouraged him however he could and their relationship was much better than it had been growing up but they weren’t exactly close either. 

So while Yoongi was a poor, lonely kid that had to work for what he wanted, Seokjin seemed to be the complete opposite and to be quite honest, Yoongi, thought he would be just a spoiled entitled brat and was certain that the elder would quit soon after moving into their dorm. Because princely and classy Seokjin now had to live with a bunch of grubby boys in a run down mosquito infested apartment and he had the responsibility of being the eldest of the team despite being the precious maknae of his family. 

Seokjin ended up surprising him, for once, he never complained, ever. He simply accepted their living conditions and made the most out of them, he began cooking for all of them, the nice homemade meals were a great improvement to the convenient store boxed meals they usually got but it didn’t stop there.

Seokjin also used to buy things they needed with his own allowance, he got Jimin shoes one time, a new jacket for Tae, even train tickets for Jungkook and Hoseok to visit their families, all charged to his personal card but most importantly bought things for their dorm, he got pots and pans, ingredients for food and toiletries and new linen for all of them, things that made the dorm feel a little more like a home and less like a place to crash at after practice. 

Seokjin had implemented the rule of eating together as a group at least once a day and they would take turns to wash the dishes afterwards, with Hoseok’s help, Jin had also begun planning out chores and dividing them amongst the team and scheduling cleaning and laundry days. Small things like that, brought a little more stability into their uncertain life and at the time, Yoongi thought it was only important for the younger ones, like Jungkook finally having someone to drive him to school every morning or whatever but now, he’s convinced that without Seokjin, they wouldn’t have survived until their debut. 

And yet, Yoongi had never voiced his gratitude out loud and he felt guilty about it. He loved Seokjin but he didn’t really know him as anything other than a teammate and colleague, he had hoped they would get closer after becoming roommates but when you put two exhausted introverts into a room, you can’t really expect them to have soul bearing talks. 

Though it would make perfect sense, after all, they were very close in age, only three months apart. Seokjin is his only hyung within the team, he doesn’t really rely on Yoongi emotionally or in any way but he doesn't feel the same pressure to perform his seniority as he does with the others. He would be the perfect candidate for Yoongi to air his woes to but old habits die hard and Yoongi doesn’t really know how to take the first step to break the ice. He decides to take it one step at the time and instead of going to his studio, he returns to the dorm. It was only a few minutes after 10 but the dorm was already submerged in complete silence. The members were probably as exhausted as he was from the dance 12 hour practice today so they’re likely already asleep in their rooms. 

He went into the kitchen to grab a water bottle when he saw a container on the small table labeled with his name. It was dinner, some meat stew, probably very healthy and with very little salt, like everything Seokjin cooked. 

“You can heat it up in the microwave and there’s rice left in the cooker” Seokjin says appearing by the kitchen door, Yoongi mumbles a thanks and heats up his food, grabbing a spoon and sitting at the table. The elder makes himself some tea in complete silence, he was already dressed in his pajamas, face washed and hair fluffy from the blowdry, he looks clean and refreshed, completely at peace. 

Yoongi wants to say something, feeling the unusual urge to share, to talk about his problems but he doesn’t really know how to go about it since he’s never done it before, he’s mentally cursing himself for it when Seokjin beats him to speak 

“How did it go?” he asks, sitting across from the younger with the steaming mug of tea in his hand Usually when asked questions about his day or confronted with small talk Yoongi would only groan in response, maybe mumble a one word answer and that’s probably what Seokjin is expecting because he seems surprised when the younger actually replies 

“Pretty well, they just confirmed what I already knew- that I’m a complete mess” Yoongi says, trying to keep his voice light and casual, Seokjin blinks a couple of times before he lets out a low chuckle “the therapist is nice though”

“So that means you’re going back?” the elder asks before taking a sip of his tea 

“I think so, yeah” Yoongi shrugs, again, trying way too hard to seem casual when he was actually terrified “I have a lot of things to work on- it will take a while but I just want to feel better”

He’d always know he had a few issues to work on but he wasn’t aware of all the trauma that it stemmed from, ideas that basically shaped who he was and how he lived his life had began to crumble down and he was grasping for some sort of stability to hold onto, silently begging for someone to reach out a hand and pull him out of the rubble after it all came crashing down.

“Of course, you deserve to feel good and to be happy” Seokjin smiled at him, that tiny comforting smile of his, not the picture perfect one he plasters on for photos but the one where his lips curl up and his cheeks bunch up, a smile filled with kindness and warmth, the one he mostly directs towards his members.

“Thanks hyung” he grumbles and thinks, that’s that, so he turns back to his food, only now he realizing how hungry he really was, this was his first meal of the day and the warm stew brought comfort, not only to his stomach but also to his soul.

Yoongi will be the first one to admit that his hyung’s seasoning isn’t the best. Yoongi would know, after all his own brother is a chef so he knows food but he finds that what Seokjin’s food lacks in salt, he makes up for it with care. 

Their hyung always tries to make time in their busy schedule to cook for them, it's not a daily thing nowadays because of their busier lives but at least once a week, Seokjin will cook a homemade dinner for them, Yoongi supposes that what people mean when they say the secret ingredient is love. The fact that despite how tired he is, their hyungs take the time to prepare their favorite dishes and while Yoongi also had fond memories of his parents cooking for him, someone like Jungkook, who came to Seoul alone at such an early age doesn’t really have anything else.

Seokjin's food had become their comfort food, their memories will be his hyung cooking in their tiny kitchen, nostalgia will flood them when they look back at the dinners enjoyed at their tiny wobbly table at their first dorm.

Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung, really light up around Seokjin and Yoongi can see why, that feeling of comfort that Seokjin brings was necessary since they were just kids when they began and while Namjoon, Hoseok and Yoongi were busy protecting their images as big bad rappers, the eldest took care of the smaller things, of the younger ones.

“Are you going to sleep now?” Yoongi asks when he notices Seokjin standing up to wash his mug 

“I think so, unless you want to watch a movie with me” the elder offers, drying his hands on a towel 

“Sure” Yoongi shrugs, inside he’s relieved that he won’t have to be alone with his loud thoughts inside their silent room.

Even if they won’t talk openly about everything today, Seokjin’s presence is reassuring enough at a time like this, after washing his dishes, they head to their room, they push their beds together and Seokjin picks a movie for them to watch on his laptop and with a belly full and his mind at ease Yoongi falls asleep halfway through it, they can finish watching the movie some other day but it was nice to spend one on one time with his hyung.

When he wakes up again, Seokjin is fast asleep on his own bed, his laptop placed on his desk and the lights turned off but then he hears their door creaking slowly open, he pretends to be asleep as he hears soft footsteps making their way inside, stopping by the foot of the bed. Plenty of times, Yoongi has woken up to find Jungkook in bed with Seokjin but he had never actually seen how he got there in the first place.

Since moving into their new place, Jungkook, who finally got what he wanted for years, a room for himself, now for some reason refuses to sleep on his own bed, for a while, he slept on the rug between their beds.

Until one day, Seokjin stepped on him accidentally one morning when he overslept and tried to rush out the door, after that, they decided it was best to get rid of the rug and Seokjin would just let Jungkook sleep on his bed. 

“Hyung” he hears Jungkook whisper 

“Jungkook-ah?” Seokjin’s sleepy voice asks 

“Can I- um can I sleep with you tonight?” 

“of course- you don’t have to ask” the elder grumbles, the mattress creaks and the blankets rustle and Yoongi assumes that Jungkook is just getting comfortable on the bed

“Thanks hyungie” the maknae chirps and Seokjin simply groans 

“Just don’t wake me up next time, I need my sleep” 

“Yes hyungnim” Jungkook says letting out a soft giggle

“sleep, now” Seokjin says, voice muffled and speech slurred with sleep

“Good night- I love you hyungie”

“I love you too, goodnight Jungkookie”

Yoongi's the first one to wake up the next day, he finds them spooning close together, with Jungkook's arm holding onto Seokjin's waist for dear life. Yoongi never had something like that with anyone, that level of trust and intimacy, to be able to sleep in each other’s arms so comfortably

He’s know Namjoon the longest but they’ve only hugged a handful of times and they most definitely never cuddled in bed together, not that there was anything wrong with it, it was simply an strange concept for Yoongi

For whom, physical affection didn’t come naturally, handholding is where he draws the line. The only time he’d even come close to cuddling someone was when he was basking in the afterglow of one of his flings and even then, he did it simply for the aftercare not because he particularly wanted it or enjoyed it.

It was refreshing to see two people being so openly affectionate to each other in a platonic way or at least, Yoongi assumed it was until Jungkook’s coming of age ceremony.

They were in Europe filming Bon Voyage, they were traveling without their managers for the first time, backpacking as a group of friends in their 20s and it went just as well as you would expect.

Jimin lost his bag, Namjoon lost his passport and Taehyung lost himself. 

Yoongi had never felt more like the responsible adult before in his life, he was the only one that had actually packed useful stuff, like an emergency kit, a sewing kit, extra toothbrushes and underwear, all things that came in handy for this godforsaken trip. 

Seokjin helped too of course, he cooked and kept himself out of trouble but he was clearly on vacation mode, he wasn’t their responsible hyung right now, he was just another friend, determined to enjoy the trip.

But Seokjin still went to the store and bought cake and flowers for their maknae, he helped prepare the little surprise party they had planned for him and seemed even more excited than Jungkook himself, they had a small and simple celebration that night.

From then the rest of the trip went downhill, Namjoon had to go back home after losing his passport, the weather was total shit, Jimin and Taehyung got into yet another argument, Hoseok was constantly getting motion sickness and Yoongi was sick of putting up an act for the cameras. 

This ‘vacation’ sucked ass, because it wasn’t a real vacation to begin with, it was work. They were being filmed and being asked to film constantly, going from country to country with very little money from their staff, basically forced back into the struggle mode they had just escaped out of.

Yoongi had always been a very self sufficient man, from a very young age he was pretty much on his own and in control of his life but to be quite honest after years of having managers with them 24/7 he grown reliant on them, if not  a little spoiled, most days he didn’t have to worry about having his wallet on him because he knew the staff would look after his every need.

They were promised a liberating experience in exchange for giving up the cushy life of an idol but instead they felt trapped in a never ending loop of discomfort and in that very moment Yoongi decided that traveling, if it wasn’t for a tour, wasn’t his thing, he wasn't cut to be a tourist.

By the end of the trip, they were all dragging his feet, trying hard to be professional and entertaining despite the situation and their low moods. Thankfully the fans enjoyed this type of longer content so the whole wasn’t a complete waste of time.

When watching the show, Yoongi couldn’t help but to be impressed with the editing skills of their team, the show turned out to be pretty entertaining though heavily edited, many of the actually entertaining moments were of Jungkook and Seokjin being annoying together and annoying each other.

The two had recently begun this habit of constantly playing fighting with the eldest being the main instigator and Jungkook, who had been worryingly shy and reserved at first had now started to let loose and began teasing his hyung back and it was all well and dandy until it wasn’t. 

They were so incredibly annoying, they were loud and childish and they never stopped because they were inseparable. It was a side of Seokjin that he hadn’t seen before but as annoying as it was it was also refreshing and real.

For years Seokjin tried to stick to the image the label wanted for him, of the quiet and aloof handsome guy, when in reality the eldest was just a sweet dorky gamer guy that just happened to have the face and the body of a supermodel. 

Something clicked in Seokjin the moment they bleached his hair, he suddenly got more confident and began to shed his mysterious image, instead of brooding and quiet he was loud and silly, it brought something extra to the group dynamic on camera, it made interviews and shows a lot funnier, it made the hierarchy between elders and younger a lot less pronounced, the synergy was perfection. 

But the thing is, that this new Jin, wasn’t really Seokjin either, it was just another facade his hyung would put on but Yoongi couldn’t blame him for it, not him, mr. Min Yoongi aka Suga aka Agust d,  in show business, identity is something you’re doomed to struggle with.

However, going to therapy, had helped Yoongi to reconcile all these aspects of himself and be more comfortable with who he is and while in the past he felt the need to climb onto the highest tower and shout to let the world know who he was, now, following the release of his first mixtape he felt more at peace with his identity. 

The people who truly know him and the fans that love him will know who he is, he doesn’t need to tell them and he doesn’t need to worry about the conclusions the rest of the world will draw and this new confident had helped him realize easily when people around him were having an identity crisis of their own and Kim Seokjin was one of them.

He liked to think that by now, he knew his roommate better than anyone else, so he immediately took notice in the shift that took place.

Now, Yoongi is guilty of many things in his life but assuming people’s sexuality has never been one of them.

He knew nothing about Seokjin's preferences o sexuality since the elder never talked about that aspect of his life, the closest he had gotten to discussing it was when the whole condom controversy happened and even then, his hyungs reputation remained squeaky clean after the company released an statement saying that the king sized condoms that eagled eyed fans had found on the picture were just gag gifts from a fan.

Another pile of bullshit to ad to the mountain, Yoongi knew Seokjin had a small group of friends from college and had heard a few crazy stories of his pre trainee life, so he very much that whatever his hyung was doing he was being discreet and actually using said condoms.

But since Seokjin never talked about his love life, not even a passing comment about finding someone attractive, Yoongi didn't really know if the elder was attracted to the same or opposite sex.

That was until Jungkook performed a cover of ‘coming of age ceremony’.

And sure, Jimin danced too, performed the sensual song just as well if not better than the maknae but Yoongi doubts that Seokjin even noticed he was there.

"wow, our Jungkookie got hot, so sexy"

"Jungkook is really grown up, he's so handsome now"

Seokjin had commented off handedly and It hit him.

How lately the fond looks had turned into more intense gazes, how the awkward graces had turned into lingering touches, the heartfelt compliments, the unnecessary skinship, their special treatment and the secret outings together. 

Jungkook had turned into Seokjin’s priority and the way he looked him had changed because his feelings for the maknae were no longer strictly platonic. 

“Hyung” Yoongi starts one night when they are getting ready for bed, Seokjin simply hums as he pulls the covers off his bed “can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure”

“Do you like Jungkookie?” Yoongi asks, sitting on his bed and facing the elder who stood a couple of feet away with his pillow in his arms, Seokjin stills, holding his breath until his next sentence “in a romantic way, I mean”

“Me? No- I don’t-” Seokjin sputters out, face flushing red further with every word he speaks "of course not"

“okay” Yoongi hurries to say “I was just wondering”

“Right…” the elder says clearing his throat “I don’t know why you would think that, it's crazy Yoongi-yah”

“Alright then” 

“but why do you ask?” Seokjin asks and Yoongi shrugs, hugging his knees to his chest 

“Well, I just happened to notice that you’ve been treating him differently lately and he’s an adult now, he’s a very attractive guy so-”

“But he’s still Jungkookie- he’ll always be our dongsaeng and our member” the singer says cutting him off, his gaze distant and his shoulders slumped, so different from his usually perfect posture “Dating within the team would be a mistake- the worst mistake, it could put our careers at risk and I would never do that” Seokjin says with finality but he sound like he’s trying to convince himself rather than Yoongi

“Right…” the rapper nods "well, I was just wondering"

“well you don't have to worry about anything” Seokjin hums turning off his lamp, leaving them in the partial darkness of their shared room “we should go to sleep now” 

He’s not convinced, not at all, Yoongi has always been able to see through the bullshit and now it's no exception.

He can't help but to feel guilty afterwards, Seokjin seemed upset and shocked about the confrontation, Yoongi’s mother had always told him that he had a sharp tongue and a blunt tone and maybe she was right because while heartfelt lyric poured out of him effortlessly and delivering passionate raps was as easy as breathing, having a heart to heart with people wasn’t his strong suit. 

He’s trying to fix that but he still has a long way to go and the problem is that he only realizes afterwards and he can only regret the words that came out wrong. 

he might’ve spooked Seokjin, he knows. Direct confrontation wasn’t the best strategy clearly because he didn’t get an honest answer.

He knows his hyung’s answer was just telling him what he thought he wanted to hear because it’s clear as day that Kim Seokjin likes Jeon Jungkook, you’d have to be blind or very homophobic not to see it.

It also doesn’t help that after that late night conversation, Seokjin becomes wary everytime Yoongi’s eyes are on him and Jungkook, the usual tenderness turning into bickering and play fighting, especially when the cameras are on, masking the affection into something more acceptable in this heteronormative society and the people eat that shit up.

They begin making compilations and writing articles of Jin and Jungkook’s ‘Tom and Jerry dynamic’. Just two bros that can't keep their hands off each other in a totally non gay way.

Seokjin starts spending more of his free time with friends his age, all of a sudden he has this whole group of 92 liner idol friends and he tells everyone about their group chat and their outings together and then, he’s hanging out with Ken and Sandeul and going on ‘dates’ with them only to post about it on social media. 

Clearly Seokjin knows a thing of two about PR and creating and maintaining the image he wants to project.

Classical denial and overcompensation if you ask Yoongi and while he had to deal with being closeted too, he never had to deal with falling for one of the members of the team, so he can't blame him for the smoke and mirrors he uses to distract the attention away from his budding feelings.

Yoongi understood to a certain degree why Seokjin had begun ‘catching feelings’ as the kids would say. Jungkook was handsome, talented, funny, athletic, sweet and cute, he had that star quality that had everyone, young and old, fawning over him.

But he was first and foremost a member of their team, a team that was only starting to get the recognition they worked so hard to attain, everything they had built together could crumble down like a sandcastle you spend the whole morning building on the beach.

Jungkook had just legally become an adult and he was definitely letting the world know, he kept pushing for sexier concepts, trying hard to shed his cute and innocent image and locking himself for hours in the gym to build his mass,  particularly for this comeback since they had decided to go for a sexier, darker and more mature concept. The video they had shot for their title track was riddled with symbolism, just like the rest of the album it dealt with youth falling into temptation and losing their innocence.

but despite how hard Jungkook tried to shed his innocent image to Yoongi, he would always be a kid. 

The shy big eyed kid that had turned into an annoying and demanding little brother, the kid Yoongi had to buy lamb skewers for, the kid that slept on his carpet and snuck into his studio to pester him while he worked.

He and Jungkook don’t talk much or spend a lot of time together but like everyone else, he had a soft spot for Jungkook so he’s definitely worried. 

Though it was only natural they would grow with their fans, Yoongi just wishes their Jungkookie could stay a kid for a little longer, especially since he's been forced to grow up so soon. 

Jungkook began to work at an age when most teens are just worried about fitting in and trying to understand their changing bodies and their biggest struggles is coming to terms with their raging hormones. 

the boy had to deal with that and being the main vocalist of their group on top of that, the load of the responsabilities and his life as an idol had made it difficult for him to have friends his age, he barely even knew his classmates as nowadays he rarely got to go to school, taking his clases online had left him isolated from the highschool experience.

With nostalgia weighing heavy in his heart, Yoongi invites the boy to have lamb skewers on one random night after practice. 

“Ah, I really shouldn’t be eating this late” Jungkook sighs as he munched on his skewer, it was a close to midnight on a wednesday so the streets around them were mostly empty and they were the only customers at the food stall, the same one they’ve been going to for years, the ahjussi had no clue who they were, he only knew that they a lot so he was happy to greet them but afterwards mostly ignore them.

“Didn’t you eat 6 cups of ramyun the other day just because you were bored?” Yoongi huffs, blowing on his food to cool it down

“I was supposed to share them with Jin hyung but he said he didn’t want a puffy face the next day” the younger grumbled with a pout “the noodles were already cooked- what was I supposed to do?”

“Throw the leftovers away like a normal person?” the rapper suggested with a smirk, knowing full well that it wasn’t even an option Jungkook considered.

Even if they had started making a little more money now, Jungkook was somewhat of a cheapskate, though he preferred to think of himself as a smart saver and he got away with it mostly because his hyungs were happy to spoil him and give him everything he wants

“Oh no hyung that would be such a waste but anyways- I’m trying to watch what I eat now”

“Why? You’re in great shape” Yoongi asks, taking a big bite of his food 

“But I want more muscles- I want to look manly” Jungkook says puffing out his chest, the elder only scoffs 

“You mean older?”

“Yeah I guess” the maknae says, eating the last of his kebab

“Why?”

“I don’t know” He shrugs and Yoongi can see his age.

As mature as he pretended to be, Jungkook was only 19, international age and maybe being so shelter had stunted his emotional growth just a little bit, inside Jungkook was just an innocent boy that wanted to build a manly shell for himself without really understanding why, perhaps he just felt the need to catch up to his members without a real understanding of what growing up really means.

“Right” Yoongi simply snorted, shaking his head at the boy.

Jungkook was already the buffest out of all of them, mostly because, the busier and alder you get, the less you care about spending hours in a stinky gym because the you’d rather spend whatever little time off you have relaxing, the same goes for dieting, after a long and stressful day, unseasoned chicken breasts and salads simply don’t bring the comfort you need to face another day of adult life. 

But Jungkook had always enjoyed torturing himself and pushing his body to the limit, if you ask Yoongi, their 10 hour dance practices should be considered enough exercise for the day. 

“You want another one?” he asks because fuck diets, he had enough of them as a trainee, Jungkook seems conflicted as he tries to make up his mind, clearly he isn’t full yet and he was enjoying the food, probably because it was hyung’s treat but he still hesitates “if something is delicious, then it has zero calories” 

“That’s what Jin hyung says” Jungkook says smiling ear to ear before nodding his head, Yoongi pats his back and orders two more and watches the boy eat, Jungkook eats with such gusto, while watching Yoongi understands what parents mean when they say ‘just watching you eat makes me feel full’ so buying him food is the elder’s favorite way to spoil the maknae.

“Ready to go?” he asks when he’s certain Jungkook is well fed 

“Yeah, shouldn’t we bring some back for the members?” the boy asks, suddenly feeling guilty at having indulged without the rest of the members

“Hobi, Namjoon and Tae ordered jjajangmyun and Jiminie still refusing to eat” Yoongi tells him as he pays and thanks the ahjussi

“And Jin hyung?” Jungkook asks, eyes curious and searching, Yoongi wants to tell him that if ever bothered to look at the group chat he would know what the members are up but he indulges him with a reply instead 

“He went to that fancy samgyeopsal place he likes-”

“With Ken hyung?” 

“I think so” Yoongi shrugs as they cross the street, Jungkook is dead silent for a while, mood shifting at neck breaking speed but that was usual for their youngest, who's full of big emotions that result in even bigger outbursts “What?” 

“Nothing- it’s just… they’ve been spending a lot of time together” the boy mumbles as they walk towards the dorm, clearly upset by the situation

“I guess” Yoongi tacks on, mind going a mile a minute “why? Are you jealous?”

“No- I don’t- I mean, are they… hyung really like him, doesn't he?” the boy stutters and Yoongi sighs, knowing what he’s asking "you're his roommate, he probably tells you things-"

It’s not uncommon for Jungkook to be possessive and jealous over his hyungs, he sulks when he doesn’t get attention and he pouts when he feels left out but this jealousy feels a lot more personal. Jin and Ken’s relationship seems to bother Jungkook, if it was just his hyung hanging out with other friends, it shouldn’t really be a problem but the singer seems determined to find out more about their relationship and that’s when Yoongi decides to put an end to the interrogation.

“Okay, look- if you want to know about Jin hyung’s personal life, I suggest talking to him directly” he tells Jungkook because, really, it wasn’t his place to discuss. Him and Seokjin were just starting to build a more profound friendship, building a trusting and more open communication and Yoongi is not about not throwing something so precious away. 

“But hyung, I can’t- I don’t want him to think that I care” the boy deflates after his protest
“Jungkook-ah, do you like Jin hyung?” the elder asks, stopping in his tracks

“No!” Jungkook sputters out, looking around before speaking in a lower volume “I mean yes- I don’t know, I always knew I liked boys and he's so... so-”

“Look- it’s okay, we support you no matter what and you know that but maybe you’re just confused about hyung- he’s handsome and you guys are really close and sometimes feelings can get confusing” Yoongi says putting his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder and giving it a squeeze because that’s about as comforting as he can be “You had a crush on all of us at some point-”

“I did not!” the younger protests getting completely flustered 

“-you did, starting with Namjoon and didn’t that just turn out to be admiration?”

“Yeah” Jungkook admits looking away embarrassed  

“See? You’re just confused, it will go away soon- you just need to spend more time around people your age” Yoongi tells him resuming his walking, hoping the conversation ends at that 

“But I don't like boys my age and what if it doesn’t go away? do you think Jin hyung would look at me that way? would I have a chance?” unfortunately it doesn’t and Jungkook seems even more conflicted now as he rushes to catch up with him “if he and Ken hyung weren't dating that is” he bitterly mumbles at the end

“Again- that is hyung’s personal business” Yoongi lifts his hand with finality "and I'm not the only you should speak to"

“Fine” Jungkook grumbles with a pout, stomping away. 

Yoongi lets him walk ahead, without another word, they walk in silence for the rest of the way to the dorm and once inside, Jungkook stops on the hallways and whispers “Thank you for the food hyung”

“sure- go get ready for bed kid” Yoongi hums, nodding his head 

“Right- well, good night hyung” the boy smiles turning towards his room

“See you in a bit” Yoongi rolls his eyes and calls out, they both know the maknae is going to end up sleeping in hyung’s bed anyways

“Goodnight  hyung!” Jungkook freezes for a moment, blushing at the implication before rushing inside his barely used room.

Yoongi lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as soon as he closes his bedroom door, burdened with knowledge that could truly complicate their entire group's existence.

Yoongi thought that Seokjin's obvious crush was bad enough but the fact that feelings aren’t one sided made things even more dangerous. 

They might not be the most famous idols yet but they have a sizeable audience, tens of thousands of eyes watching their every move. The idol industry was unforgiving and cut throat, one single scandal was all it took to end careers and that was a risk they couldn’t take , so they had to put an end to this because this was just a ticking time bomb, Yoongi can't sit back and watch so it’s time to get their leader  and management involved, the knowledge too burdensome for him to carry alone.

He faceplants onto his bed deciding to talk to Namjoon first thing in the morning and hoping to sleep his worries away for now but  sleep keeps avoiding him, he tosses and turns for what feels like hours and soon the door slowly creaking open. 

He pretends to be asleep as Seokjin stumbles inside their room, the elder quickly changes into his pajamas and crawls into bed, lulled by the Seokjin’s even breaths Yoongi begins to doze off until the opens once again and he isn’t surprised when Jungkook rushes to the elder’s side in silence.

“Jungkookie?” Seokjin grumbles, sounding drowsy and barely awake 

“You smell different” Jungkook hums in response, as the bed creaks under him

“We had a couple of bottles of soju” the elder whispers back

In the darkness, Yoongi can only see the outline of Jungkook hovering over Seokjin, who lays on his back 

“No, you smell like him” Jungkook replies, voice breaking as he quickly pulls away, the tension is palpable even from where Yoongi lays, the younger sniffles a couple of times, his voice breaking as he says “I don’t like it hyungie” 

“Jungkookie…” Seokjin sighs, the bed creaking as the occupants move in the darkness “Jungkook-ah, wait-” he whispers as fast but quiet footsteps rush towards the door.

Yoongi isn’t sure what happened that night, all he knows is that Seokjin went after Jungkook and that he was gone for a long time and then he came back alone, after that he started seeing Ken and his friends less and less while Jungkook on the other hand, starts spending more time with people his age.

Yoongi had choose to leave it at that, thinking- hoping- that the two had resolved the issue on their own, there was no need to get the other members and management involved, right?

He didn’t have much time to ponder on that though as they were busy with promotions and preparing for the end of the year shows, it felt like every moment of their days was planned and scheduled ahead, just work and responsibilities and expectations, the days feel shorter and nights go by in a blink of an eye. 

Even if they weren’t struggling as much as they did a year before, they were still far from reaching their goals, their dreams consumed them and their ambition was at a all time high, their future as a group was uncertain, their company was still small compared to other agencies but what they lacked in resources they made up in hunger, passion and strive.

Many nights they cried together, fearful of what the future would bring, they bet everything in this dream called bangtan and now they needed something to show for a bunch of kids running ahead without a map, their leader pushing from behind, withstanding the pressure of the higher ups. 

The pressure was suffocating, It was like running across the desert with bare feet, no shadi in sight, the blistering heat made every step painful but stopping for even a second would be agonizing.

Then they won their first daesang and then another one and another one, they weren’t afraid of heights and they had confidence in their wings but maybe they should’ve because the higher you climb, the harder you fall.

Chapter Text

Another year had begun, they didn’t have a pause in their schedules to take it in and the first months of 2017 flew past them.

When their tour ended, they thought they would have a chance to breathe and they sort of did. For bon voyage this year, the company had chosen Hawaii as their destination. The tropical paradise was a welcomed upgrade from last year's disastrous trip around europe. 

They got to goof around freely, lounge around comfortably, eat delicious food and enjoy one on one time with each other but it was still work, they were first and foremost professional entertainers, not just idols and Jimin was fine with that, he liked the attention, he thrived under the spotlight.

It wasn’t always easy at times it was daunting and suffocating but Jimin was a dancer, a dancer meant to capture people's attention, to enchant them enough to break away from their own lives and focus on the performer on stage and that's why he did everything in his power to capture people’s hearts. 

Deep inside, he always felt lacking in many aspects compared to the other members, he didn’t have Namjoon’s brain and charisma, Yoongi’s gift for music and strive, Seokjin’s visuals and talent for acting, Taehyung’s unique charm and striking features or Jungkook’s outstanding vocals and ability to excel at everything he tried, hell, he wasn’t even the best dancer, that spot belonged to Hoseok. 

He felt stuck in place, like all the other members were improving day by day but he was stuck at the same level he’s been for years, he felt like was lagging behind so he always strived to catch up, to make up for his short training period, he locked himself in the dance studio and danced until he could no longer stand, he practiced his singing until swallowing became painful and worked out until he built an enviable physic, so he could at least have something that would make him stand out.

But as they got busier, working out for hours and eating enough to maintain the muscles became impossible, fans were disappointed to find out his abs were gone by now, Jimin knew what they expected from him, he monitored everything, every tweet, every comment and he takes it to heart, perhaps because he wasn’t happy with his appearance to begin with, so he decided to diet.

If he couldn’t maintain his muscles then at least he would lose weight, so he did.

During 2016, his main obsession was getting thin, as thin as he possibly could but normal dieting wasn’t enough, so he decided to take more drastic measures, eating practically nothing in 10 days helped him shed that extra baby fat he had been carrying around for years, his face finally had that chiseled look he’d always wanted, he looked graceful and the clothes fit a lot better but he also began to lose his strength and endurance, until one day, his need to be perfect, to be better and to stand out sometimes got to be too much and he collapsed during practice.

It seemed like no matter what he did, he always managed to harm the team.

The hyungs staged an intervention, they sat him down with serious faces and urged him to put an end to his ‘diet’ but they didn’t seem to understand, if Jimin stopped his diet he might be able to recover but he will put on weight and that would affect the group’s image. 

They didn’t understand what it was like, to be part of the vocal line, always surrounded by visuals of their group, always the shortest, the chubbiest, the ugliest and the least talented one.

You had Taehyung, who had charmed the country with his performance in Hwarang, whose face got more and more handsome by the day, his deep velvety voice was unique and unforgettable. Jungkook, the golden maknae, could sing his little heart out even before he hit puberty, the boy had grown into a tall and handsome man that commanded attention whenever he stepped on stage.

And Seokjin, well, he was the visual king of kpop, the beauty standard everyone aspired to but that wasn’t all he was.

During the tour he used to sit and watch Seokjin’s solo stage, their eldest hyung vocals were filled with emotion, his vibrato was as captivating as his face, he could simply stand on a stage and receive attention simply by existing, he always had the look but now his skills had risen to the part, his vocals were stable no matter what, he was constant and reliable, much like the man himself. 

Seokjin was the only one that seemed to understand what Jimin was going through because he knew what it felt like. It wasn’t a secret that Seokjin and Namjoon struggled more than the rest to learn their choreographies, their dances were difficult even for seasoned dancers like Hoseok and Jimin but the public was unforgiving, as if the people hiding behind the keyboards were capable of doing any better, the comments online were downright cruel and they obviously affected their confidence, especially Seokjin’s. 

Because of that, Jimin felt much more comfortable talking to him. Seokjin had always been a mystery to him, like how you don’t really know anything about your parents life before you were born, the eldest was an enigma but at the same time he was straightforward, no nonsense and to the point without being cold, more like an innocent but brutally honest child but Seokjin was actually warm and welcoming and had a reassuring presence, when Jimin is around him, he feels happy and at ease.

So he began to spend more time with Seokjin, going to his room after shows, having dinner with his hyung and grabbing a drink from time to time. 

It was honestly healing for him, to be able to stop thinking and enjoy their time together, goofing around, bickering and talking nonsense. Jimin felt like he was learning how to unwind and enjoy life. He learns a lot from Seokjin, like what matters the most in life. 

He talked to his parents often, almost every night nowadays, something he learned about Seokjin 

They used to make fun of the elder for calling his mother every night but Jimin understands now

Even if your parents aren’t perfect, your family at times is all you have.

life's not about just about achieving this or getting that, because at the end of the day, life is short and you shouldn’t spend it overthinking things, so Jimin’s main goal has now shifted to being happy. 

He still had a long way to go though, he still had a hard time relaxing and going with the flow, it was blatantly obvious during the shooting of the show, during one of their friendship trips, when it was just him Jin and Jungkook, he couldn’t help but to try to be serious and introspective but the duo didn’t rise to the bait, the two completely ganged up on him.

When Seokjin and Jungkook were together, it got loud, you could kiss your peace goodbye and releasing them on the streets of Hawaii had been unleashing chaos upon the world.

By the end of the night the pair were pretending to get married, belting out the wedding march as they walked through the busy streets with their arms linked together while Jimin kept apologizing to the staff. He was sure that most of the footage of their outing would be useless because it was mostly Jin and Jungkook being fools and basically ignoring him.

They were like that all the time, they’ve always been like that.

Jimin wasn’t the only one that noticed but he was certainly the only one that called them out, he demanded fair treatment for every member but no, Jungkook would always prefer Seokjin, just like the eldest would make his preference for the maknae evident.

Now, Jimin isn’t the jealous type, that is Jungkook’s area of expertise but sometimes he just wants to hang out with Seokjin, talk about his day and maybe get the elder’s input and a few words of wisdom but more often than not, Jungkook would barge into the room and interrupt their peaceful gatherings.

It was like the world around them disappeared when those two were together and Jimin liked being with them but sometimes, he felt like a stick in the mud, the parent in charge of chaperoning rowdy kids but it’s still better than drinking alone in your room.

Jungkook was definitely that annoying younger sibling that would cry if you didn’t include him when you invite your friends over. 

That wasn’t anything new to Jimin, his brother was the same age as their maknae afterall.

Growing up, Jimin and his brother argued a lot because he was the eldest, he was expected to be the mature one and look after him all the time even when the younger was being an annoying little shit and would lie to get his way. 

He still remembers when he was quietly drawing one time and his brother kept bothering him and trying to scribble on his notebook, Jimin had asked nicely to stop at first but when the boy continued he had slapped his grubby hand away, of course his brother had told on his mom and left out the part where he ruined his hyung’s drawing, you can be sure that Jimin got in trouble after that.

He still gets annoyed just thinking about it.

So he’ll be damned if he lets Jungkook get special treatment just for being the youngest.

Admittedly, it’s hard saying no to the boy, one just has to think back on predebut Jungkook and his big round eyes and any conviction will melt away.

So he doesn’t protest much when Seokjin lets him inside his hotel room to join them for their usual post concert drink, he just watches from the carpeted floor as the boy grabs a beer and squeezes himself on the loveseat next to Seokjin.

“Yah! There’s plenty of space on the floor-” the elder protests, moving away 

“So?” Jungkook asks, reaching to take the soju bottle from Seokjin’s hand

“So this is my seat and this is my drink- go get your own!” their hyung huffs out, slapping his hand away, Jimin letting out an amused chuckle

“I just want a sip and I don’t want to sit on the floor, my butt will hurt” the younger argues with a pout

“I will kick you if you don’t leave me alone and then your butt will really hurt” Seokjin threatens making Jungkook cackle 

“Doubt you can do much damage old man” the boy teases, successfully managing to rile the elder up and distract him long enough to take the bottle from him

“Yah!” 

“Don’t start guys!” Jimin groans as Seokjin turns in his place and pinches Jungkook’s nipples 

“What the- ah!” the maknae yelps dropping the bottle and spilling the drink everywhere

“You brat!” Seokjin snaps as he tries to get up from the wet seat but Jungkook tackles him into the wet cushions instead “Get off me!”

Seokjin despite furiously thrashing to free himself, it’s impossible to release his wrists from the younger’s iron grip, with an arrogant smirk the boy leans down to taunt him “What are you going to do? I’m stronger than you- ah!”

Jungkook recoils after Jimin manages to land his right slipper on the back of his head, glaring at them from his place on the floor “Enough! You two are so annoying, just stop it!”

“Stop it” Jungkook mimics in a ridiculous high pitch voice as he releases Seokjin

“You’re annoying” the elder mumbles as he sits up, nose scrunches as he looks down at the wet spots on his pink pajamas 

“Can we just have a nice peaceful evening for once?” Jimin pleads exasperated, he’s had a long day and he just wanted to relax and spend some time with his hyung but when Jungkook is around Seokjin turns into a literal 9 year old.

The two members pout and nod their heads, Seokjin goes to the bathroom and brings a couple of towels to dry the mess, throwing one on Junkook’s face but otherwise they remain calm for a while as they sit on the floor together listening to music until Jungkook lets out a groan interrupting their conversation.

Jimin narrows his eyes at him in suspicion as the younger rolls onto his back and proclaims “We should play a game,”

“I don’t really feel like it” Jimin tells him, taking a sip of his beer, he didn’t appreciate the brat’s interruption 

“I’m too tired to play any games” Seokjin says nodding his head in agreement, his words slightly slurred, his at the level of drunkenness where his filter disappear at the level where Jimin had learned so much about him that he didn’t know before but he’s far from blackout drunk 

“This is boring” Jungkook is barely even buzzed, he had started drinking after them and had switched to water recently but he’s clearly not a happily buzzed.

“Then leave” Seokjin huff out with a smirk, this was part of their usual banter so it doesn’t surprise Jimin but Junkook’s reaction does

“Fine, I’m leaving!”  the boy sits up, giving them the dirtiest look he could manage with his bunny features. Much like a hormonal teen, you could expect Jungkook’s mood to sour quite easily, they weren’t exactly walking on eggshells around him but they were all aware that the smallest thing could tick him off but in his drunken haze Seokjin doesn’t seem to mind.

“Go ahead” Seokjin waves him off with a dismissive laugh

Jungkook is still sitting on the floor, frozen in place, eyes set on Seokjin who has his phone in his hand, completely ignoring the boy as he scrolls on his phone, Jimin holds his breath for a moment until Jungkook’s eyes start to water “Jungkookie, are you crying?” he asks, crawling to the boy and taking his wrist as gently as he can

“I’m not!” Jungkook snaps pulling his away 

“I was just teasing you, geez!” Seokjin stresses with an eye roll 

“No! You meant it” the younger retorted as he got up “Why did you let me in if you didn’t want me around in the first place?”

“No one said that-” the elder argues back laughing in disbelief as Jungkook’s lower lip begins to tremble  

“Jungkookie… don’t cry- we don’t want you to leave” Jimin says trying to pull him down by the bottom of his hoodie but Jungkook’s solid weight is and unmovable force

“You see? that’s exactly why, you always cry when you don’t get your way-” Seokjin remarks throwing his head back with a taunting laugh 

“Hyung-” Jimin tries to interject

But Seokjin continues nonetheless “You want to be treated like an adult but you’re always having these outbursts, like a baby-”

What's funny is that Jungkook was a teenager, he was a bit of an emo but only in his style and music taste but now that he has left his adolescent years behind in this first year as an adult, he’s going through the angst and moodiness of a teen with all the lovely characteristics of them.

He’s uncommunicative, keeping even important things from them, he pushes his limits and challenges everything and everyone he can not to mention that he’s embarrassed of everything his hyungs do and they put up with it, because they love him, they understand because Jungkook didn’t have a normal life but it can get exhaustive at times.

“At least I can express my feelings and emotions like a normal person, unlike you-” the boy screams back, eyes glossy with tears “You think you’re too good for human emotions, don’t you?”

“Jungkook-ah!” Jimin scolds, standing up 

“Maybe that’s why none of your boyfriends stick around!” the maknae adds after getting no response from Seokjin 

“Hey! That’s enough- you can’t talk to hyung like that” Jimin says grabbing him by the arm 

“He started it!” Jungkook argues pulling away “I was just-”

“Get out” Seokjin says quietly, eyes looking elsewhere face stoic and completely unreadable 

The younger seems panicked as he tries to walk towards Seokjin, Jimin stops him on his tracks “But I-” 

“Just go- we’re all drunk and I don’t want to keep arguing with you” Seokjin tells him getting up from his spot and going towards the bathroom 

Jungkook stills for a beat, face scrunched up with emotion as tears stream down his face but tone biting as he yells “fine!”

“Hyung…” Jimin begins after the younger has stormed off and slammed the door 

“You should leave too Jimin-ah, go get some rest” Seokjin says, stopping by the bathroom door 

“Yes, hyung” is all Jimin says before leaving the room, as he walks down the hall towards his room Namjoon opens his door and stops him

“Who’s fighting now?” Namjoon asks tiredly, his tired eyes looking at the younger for answers

Jimin brings his shaky hands to his hair and pushing it back, suddenly feeling guilty for all the petty fights he got into with Taehyung because all they did was stress their leader out, it’s different when you’re on the other side of things “Jin hyung and Jungkookie”

“We’ll discuss this in the morning as a group” Namjoon sighs, another weight added to his already overloaded shoulders, Jimin simply nods and wishes him a good night before going back to his room.

The next day, the staff brings breakfast to their leader’s room, they sit however they can and eat in awkward silence for a while all aware of why they’re here right now and waiting for Namjoon to breach the topic.

Namjoon finishes his americano before clearing his throat, instinctively they all turn his attention to him as he speaks “First of all- I don’t think you we should be drinking every night when we’re on tour” the elder begins, pointedly looking at all three of them “You always end up staying until late and oversleeping- not to mention that alcohol isn’t exactly good for you voices” 

“I agree- it’s fine to have a drink every once in a while but not every night, we should all find a different way to unwind after shows, something that won’t affect our performance” Hoseok adds on, all the members voice their agreements and as their leader pour himself another cup of coffee, Jimin can only keep his head low, not in shame but in guilt because he was the one that suggested they grab a drink, he should’ve let Seokjin go to sleep like originally wanted to and then none of this would’ve happened.

“Asides from that- I think we also have issues with boundaries” Namjoon hums thoughtfully, Yoongi nods his head

“The closer we get the more important it is” the second eldest says “it’s all about respect”

“Yes, we’re not just friends- we’re a team and we have people depending on us, we can’t be arguing and fighting all the time- we need to be professional” the leader chimes in before turning to Seokjin “Now, hyung-nim, we really appreciate the fact that you never impose yourself on us despite being the eldest- it takes a lot of humility to do that and without that we wouldn’t be the who were are today but don’t forget that you have to set limits too”

“Bickering and bantering can escalate to arguments and fights easily” Hoseok says with a grimace “someone might be having and it might hurt people’s feeling a bad day, even if you don’t mean it-”

“yeah I understand” Seokjin says solemnly with a nod of his head 

“Teasing is fine but let’s all try to be nicer to each other” Taehyung ads, speaking for the first time

Namjoon gives him a small nod and pats the younger’s knew 

“Yes and as for you Jungkookie-” the rapper tacked on “We don’t lash out at people, I know its hard but remember that you can always take a deep breath and try to control how you express what you’re feeling”

“So what? Am I supposed to bottle everything up?” Jungkook frowns, looking down at his hands 

“No one is saying that, Jungkook-ah” Taehyung nudges him gently 

“What he means is that you don’t have to react at everything” Yoongi explains 

“No one is asking you to suppress your emotions, just learn to manage them-” Namjoon pipes in “To express and communicate them in a healthier way”

“Fine” Jungkook mumbles, glaring holes into the carpeted floor, the other members exchange glances amongst themselves, even their wise leaders seem to be at a loss for it, so Jimin decides to voice his thoughts once and for all.

“Jungkook-ah” Jimin begins in a tone much less sweet than his usual “don’t ask you to be overly formal with us you should try to have at least a minimum of respect for us or at least act like you have it- yes, you’re bigger and stronger now and you’re the lead singer and center but we will always be your hyungs”

“That’s a good point” Yoongi easily agrees “In general, we all need to be cautious of ego and not let it control us- that’s what destroys groups”

“We’re doing well now but we’ll always be 7 boys from korea that debuted with a small company, we’re only here thanks to army” Hoseok points out and they all nod in agreement

“Let’s remember to be grateful and do better from now on” Namjoon  says before clapping his hands “Okay! Anything else?” he asks looking around the room, when nothing comes up he chugs the rest of his coffee and stands up “Then, see you at the soundcheck in 30 minutes, let’s go”

“You guys need to talk things out” Yoongi remarks as he grabs his bag 

“Let the bromance grow stronger from this” Hoseok smiles sunnily at the only two that remain seated, Jimin can’t help but notice how flustered Jungkook looks and the red tint of Seokjin’s ears as he leaves the room.

The tension didn’t disappear immediately, the two instead opted for avoiding each other on the following days and after that, they began interacting again but it’s been a few months and they haven’t fallen back into their old ways, Jimin doesn’t know whether that’s a good sign or not.

In the weeks leading up to their comeback Jimin and Seokjin go on talk shows together, having Seokjin there was exactly what he needed, the elder was wonderful at breaking the ice, he had great skill at charming people, making them laugh and bringing down their walls.

He wasn’t a friendly extrovert like Taehyung, it was something the elder had fabricated for himself, a well honed skill that didn’t come natural for a shy introvert such as himself but that with time he had come to master.

Jimin had a harder time opening up to strangers but during one show he felt comfortable enough to finally speak openly about his previous diets and his struggles with body image but what surprised him the most is when Seokjin admitted to doing the same.

Jimin had never noticed it before but it seems so obvious now, in their early years the manly look was forced on Seokjin as well, so the elder had to build muscles and stay lean, resulting on a dangerous diet consisting of two packs of chicken breast a day and hours spent at the gym all while he still cooked nutritious meals for his younger members and made sure they took care of their health.

It’s no wonder why Seokjin had been so worried about Jimin during his extreme dieting and why he could relate to the younger so easily, having left behind that time of his life, Seokjin tried to encourage everyone to enjoy food and not obsess over appearances, which helped Jimin get back into a healthier lifestyle. 

Jin’s love for food was as contagious as his laugh, so much so that Jimin didn’t even think about calories or gaining weight when he ate with him, he only cared about having fun with his hyung and trying all sorts of different foods.

In the first week of November, they had a couple of days off, a rare occurrence for them so they decided to visit Tokyo. It was supposed to be the first maknae line trip, mostly because the hyungs were busy with this or that or in Yoongi’s case flat out refused to travel unless it was absolutely necessary, so it would be just the three of them but Taehyung ended up pulling out at the last minute when something came up with his family.. 

Jimin was sad to not have his best friends coming along but he knew that if he even mentioned canceling the trip Jungkook would take it personally, so they went anyway. 

Jungkook had planned to video the whole thing, he wanted to edit it into a GCF so they could share it with fans and although it felt awkward to be on camera by himself Jimin still indulged him and tried his best to keep the footage interesting and to cheer up the younger.

Though he would never admit it, it was obvious that something was worrying the boy, his smile wasn’t as bright and his laugh wasn’t heard as often as it used to be but he simply refused to talk about it until Jimin got a few drinks in him.

On their last night there they went out for Kobe beef, it being the first time they visited Japan and actually had time and money to try the world famous meat and of course they ordered a few drinks, a lot of drinks.

As they waited for their food, Jungkook took his phone out and seemed to be chatting with someone, Jimin couldn’t help but to feel slightly jealous at that because Jungkook never answers their texts, one time he texted him back a month later but he doesn’t seem to have a problem replying to whoever he’s texting at the moment, he pouts feeling ignored and kicks his shin under the table.

“Rude” he grumbles when Jungkook doesn’t even flinch “who are you texting?”

“Sorry- my friends are keep spamming the group chat” the younger replies as he types quickly “they’re- oh”

“What?” Jimin asks when Jungkook freezes staring at his phone

“Yugyeomie just bumped into Jin hyung” he replies after a few minutes, locking his phone and pocketing it 

“Really? That’s cool- where?” Jimin asks, his interest peaked 

Jungkook looks around lowering his voice before he responds “At a gay bar with some guy” 

 It's liberating to be in a foreign country where you know people won’t understand what you’re saying and you can speak openly.

“Really? With a guy?” he perks up at this, he is very much interested in hearing more, that’s the libra in him, he needs to know more “Is he hot? Cute?”

“I don’t know” the younger murmurs sitting back on his chair

“Jin hyung doesn’t even like to go out- the guy must be special if he got him out of the house” Jimin chuckles refilling their drinks, he doesn’t worry much about the news going public, if Yugyuom was there it means it was probably safe, there's a lot of clubs that cater specially to celebrities, mainly idols and they tend to be very discreet and private places.

Seokjin had always been careful when it came to his image, even before debut the elder had a reputation to maintain, being the son of an important business man, he kept a squeaky clean scandalless image, Jimin was sure his hyung knew what he was doing, if he wanted to to have fun he should be allowed to.

He’s so consumed with his thoughts that he almost doesn’t notice Jungkook brooding on his seat across from him, gripping his glass of beer a little too tight “what’s wrong Jungkook-ssi?” he asks kicking Jungkook once again

“You think Jin hyung’s still mad at me?” the younger queries with a frown 

“You guys talked things out, didn’t you? Hyung is not one to hold grudges” Jimin points out taking a sip of his beer 

“But he said he was going to his grandparents house and now he’s at some bar- he lied because he didn’t want to come here with us” Jungkook retorts, speaking in pout as he draw circles on the table “Maybe he just didn’t want to be around me”

Jimin chuckles fondly at the younger, even when he’s trying to be a serious manly man Jungkookie looks like a grumpy bunny “Jungkookie, hyung loves you so much- you’re his baby brother-”

“He’s not my brother-” the boy interrupts speaking in a firm voice “I never saw him as one and I’m not a baby”

“You were when you got here and he practically raised you, Jungkook-ah” Jimin reminds him in a warning tone, if he has to explain the respect your elders once again he might actually cry

“No- we grew up together, that’s different-” Jungkook argues, huffing as he crosses his arms over his chest “I see what people say about us- calling us father and son and stupid shit like that- he never treated me like that and I never saw him that way, ever”

“Okay…” Jimin says, threading lightly because clearly this  is a delicate subject for him “What do you see him as then?” 

Jungkook opens his mouth to answer but then closes it and lets out a sigh “It doesn’t matter, he knows how I feel but he doesn’t care and he doesn’t feel the same way”

“Oh” the elder blinks, eyes wide as he takes in the implications of what Jungkook just said. 

Seokjin and Jungkook had always been extremely close but Jimin had assumed their bond was similar to what he and Taehyung shared, an unbreakable brotherhood built over the years but nothing beyond platonic but those star filled stares Jungkook directed at the elder, all the times that Jungkook complemented Seokjin’s looks and the constant need to be near him now take on a new meaning.

Jungkook liked Seokjin so of course he was hurt by this.

But Seokjin isn’t at fault either, as far as Jimin knows, he’s single and he’s not obligated to reciprocate Jungkook’s feelings, he can do whatever he wants, he can go out with whoever he likes even if it hurts the younger. 

Jimin finds himself in a very awkward place because he can see things from both sides and they are both his friends. 

Jungkook must’ve noticed his discomfort because he completely dropped the subject after that.

By the end of the meal Jungkook is drunker than Jimin has ever seen him before, the boy kept ordering drink after drink and the elder did nothing to stop him because he knows what it feels like, wanting to drown the remaining pieces of your heart on alcohol.

But he does decide it’s time  to go back to the hotel room when Jungkook begins leaning against the table to support himself, on the way out of the restaurant they bump into a group of girls as he’s basically dragging Jungkook to the cab.

Jimin smiles and flipping his hair back as he apologizes to them  “I would love to stay here and chat but I have to take care of my friend, have a lovely night” he says with a wink, leaving the pretty girls flustered and giggling behind them as they climb onto the back seat, he gives the address to the driver and relaxes against the seat, his own head spinning from the booze but his tolerance is much highest out of everyone in the group.

“How did you do that?” Jungkook asks halfway through the ride 

“Do what?” he hums, turning his head to the side to stare at Jungkook’s profile 

“You know-” the boy replies gesturing vaguely with his hand ”The flirting”

“I don’t know- it just comes naturally to me” Jimin shrugs and it’s the simple truth, he had always found it easy to flirt, be it man or woman, young or old, it was second nature to him it makes no difference to him, perks of being bisexual you could say.

But he knows it’s not like that for everyone and it doesn’t mean he’s this big player, leaving a string of broken hearts in his behind. It never goes further than casual flirting with him because it’s part of his playful nature and rarely anything more, he’s no relationship expert either, having never been in a serious one before.

“I wanna do that too” Jungkook mumbles turning his head to look back at him 

“I didn’t know you were attracted to girls” Jimin comments with a raised brow 

“I’m not” as if taking offence, the younger scrunches his nose as he speaks,  Jungkook had never tried to hide his preference for men but it it never hurts to be make sure “I’m as gay as ever and I wanna learn how to flirt” Jimin chuckles lowly at his phrasing 

“You want to flirt with you know who?” he asks with a playful tone

“No- I need to get over him” Jungkook sighs “So you have to teach me how to flirt, so I can get a boyfriend and I can finally forget about him”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Jungkookie” Jimin grimaces, he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to use other people to get over his crush, it wouldn’t be fair to them or even for Jungkook himself. 

“It is, Yoongi hyung said so and he’s never wrong” the boy huffs haughty

Of course Min Yoongi would say that, being as emotionally constipated as he’s known to be “he’s wrong about this” he tells the younger “you just need time, be patient with yourself”

“But it’s been years and I can’t help how I act when I’m around him- I want to be near him all the time and I know it makes him uncomfortable” Jungkook retorts, throwing his head back in frustration “It’s bad enough that he knows- I don’t want the world to know” 

“I’m sorry, I wish I could help you more Jungkookie” he sighs squeezing the boy’s shoulder 

“Maybe you can” Jungkook says meeting his gaze

“How?” Jimin asks, removing his hand and narrowing his eyes in suspicion 

“Whenever you see me acting like-” 

“Like a love sick puppy?”

“Yeah, like that” the younger nods his head, looking much more sober all of a sudden “Just stop me, distract me however you can please- I have to put an end to this, I don’t want to lose Jin hyung”

“Okay, you can count on me”

Jimin isn’t sure Jungkook would remember their previous talk, the younger had passed out as soon as he got to his room but the next day, a hungover Jungkook made him promise- swear- that he would keep his world and help him move on from his feelings. 

Jimin, at the time, wasn't aware of the impact the promise would have over their lives, that in a way he was signing his soul away to the devil.

Because spending time with Jungkook makes him miss his younger brother, he hasn’t been around enough barely had time to visit his hometown and his brother had turned into an adult without him being there to see him, he wonders if his brother had to go through his first romantic ventures on his own, without his hyung’s support, if he can’t be there for his brother, he can be there for Jungkook.

It will be hard for Jungkook, getting over someone you see every day, someone you love in more ways than one,  Seokjin isn’t just a friend he has a crush on, he’s bangtan itself just as much as Jungkook or any other member is.

But Jimin knows that Jungkook is strong, that he will overcome this difficulty because the group depends on it and though it seems cruel to place the weight of that responsibility on his shoulder, it is things like this that really show how mature you are.

No one said navigating through adult life was easy, Jimin was older by a couple of years but he too struggled from time to time, he has for the last few years but it is because of those difficulties that you’re able to grow.

So if Jungkook wants to be considered an adult, it’s time he starts taking on the challenges that come with adulthood.

When they return, Jungkook locks himself in his room, only coming out for work, he finishes editing the video in no time and it’s posted on the group’s channel and it’s a massive success, the fans love it, the company wants more.

But the thing is, neither of them is dumb or blind, they’re not too shelter or ignorant to the world around them, they’re young adults with phones and social media, they know what shipping is and what it entails.

He’s aware that all this is to cater to the fans that want to see them together, that this is nothing more than fan service, he also knows it's profitable for the company so he isn’t surprised when they try to push them to engage more actively in it.

Its comes with the job, it’s an integral part of being an idol and since the response has been good, it’s only rational to do it again, as an employee, he’s supposed to give good results for the company and as a performer he’s trained to entertain and as a people pleaser he needs to give the people what they want. 

Jimin can’t help himself, he likes the response, he likes making army happy and if fanservice is what they want he will give it to them. 

It won't be hurting anyone, right?

But It's like patching up a sinking boat, the more he engages in fanservice with Jungkook, the more Jungkook slips up and runs after Seokjin, which leads to Jimin, being pressured by the company to do damage control to cover it up and the theories and analysis begin to pour in, building a narrative of jealousy and possessiveness within the group that they can’t escape. 

For the first time in his life, he feels suffocated by the attention, parelyzed under the magnifying glass as his every move is analyzed to the microscopic level and that is just how he feels but Jungkook, he got the worst of it. 

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, Jimin should’ve kept that in mind when he first agreed to help Jungkook.

Chapter Text

Hoseok had been in denial for a while now, maybe that’s why things got so bad in the first place, by refusing to admit there was a problem they failed to attack it from the root. If anyone should’ve seen the signs it was him, as dance leader he could sense when his team wasn’t in sync. 

The past year has been, in one word, overwhelming.

2017 was a year when they experienced their highest highs, winning their first BBMAS and AMAS and swept the end of the year awards. Hoseok was ecstatic, it felt like their hard work was finally being recognized after years of being overworked and feeling like they weren’t good enough for this industry, getting recognized internationally cemented their place as artists. 

As a group they had accomplish more than they could’ve ever dreamed, their shows were sold out, the venues they played had turned into stadiums and their fans helped break record after record, soon the ‘first korean ac to…’ had become their letter of introduction and they were surging way above their sunbaenims in their relatively short careers. 

And that became too much to handle for some of the members. 

It had dawned on Yoongi first, he has always been very perceptive so he had the most immediate reaction, straight up bawling his eyes out in the shower after the award show as he would later confess, feeling scared instead of overjoyed, pressured and lost afterwards.

Yoongi had struggled before, it wasn’t a secret to any of them, they supported and encouraged him as much as they could but it felt like he had suddenly hit another slump after just getting out of the previous one and in between hectic schedules, his mental health had stopped being a priority, the elder just plowed through and fell into his old habit of burying himself in work and completely isolating himself.

He wasn’t the only one, Jungkook had been going through a hard time as well and spent most of his time locked away in his room and when asked if there was an issue he would pretend everything was fine.

Looking back at it, fills Hoseok with a certain guilt because Yoongi and Jungkook never allowed that to affect their performance, their professionalism was unquestionable to the point where if they didn’t live together, no one would’ve known there was anything wrong. 

Hoseok had always been somewhat of an emotional sponge, the mood of the people around him affected him more than he’d liked to admit, it feels like he’s a different person depending on who he is around. 

So being around Yoongi and Jungkook, he could definitely feel there was something wrong beneath the surface but he decided to disguise the unsettling feeling he was having, after all they had the world’s eyes on them, it wasn’t time for uncertain step but to walk confidently towards the future and have faith that everything would be okay.

The only reason he can be J-hope is because he becomes that when he’s around the members and the fans, Jung Hoseok is nothing like that at all.

His parents will often make passing comments about how quiet he is when he’s alone and express how worry they are about his mental health but Hoseok is just a listener, the members know and appreciate that about him, he can play and joke around with them but when it comes to serious conversations he reverts back to original essence and actively listens, choosing to only speak his mind once his has carefully plan out his words.

That is why he never said anything before, he was too busy observing what happened around him, over analyzing his thoughts to voice his concerns aloud. 

If he had to pinpoint when it started it would be december of 2017, after finishing the Wings tour, the agency moved them to a new dorm, a luxurious apartment, fancier than they could’ve ever imagine and with some of the best security of the city and yet, none of them really felt at home.

The living room was barren except for the huge leather couch that had come with the place and the gigantic flatscreen tv samsung had sent them.

Their kitchen isn’t any better, there's some overripe kimchi in the fridge and a couple of beers but not much else, the dining table with mismatched chair they brought from their last place along with a their ancient rice cooker and colorful bowls the only vestiges of their previous dorms but rather than giving the place the warmth their last places had it makes the place look quite depressing in Hoseok’s opinion.

When he thought of his dream home, he always imagined decorating the whole place and making it feel warm and cozy, truly his. 

He’d done his best with the room he shared with Jimin, he had his figurines and their stuffed animals and their artwork, they tried to keep the place impeccable, a sanctuary of cleanliness and peace inside the chaotic shared apartment, the only place that actually felt like home.

He wasn’t the only one that felt that way it seemed because since moving here the members mostly spent time inside their own rooms or out and about, only using the dorm as a place to crash. 

Namjoon couldn’t be stopped, as soon as they had a gap in their schedules, he would disappear for as long as he could, sometimes he would go to his parent’s house, other times he would visit museums and art galleries or travel abroad any chance he got.

Yoongi had mastered the art of sleeping in his studio, so that’s where he spent most of his time, Jungkook would lock himself in his room during the day and go out at nights, to where? Hoseok isn’t exactly sure.

Taehyung would at least let them know when he would leave to go stay with his parents, he did it so often that at this point, his side of the bedroom he shared with Namjoon turned into storage space.

That left only him, Seokjin and Jimin as the only constant inhabitants of the place for most of the time, that was until the elder bought himself an apartment in the very same complex.

Hoseok hadn’t even heard about it before it was reported to the media and that’s when he undeniably felt it. 

They were all drifting apart.

And it was made painfully obvious when he watched their younger members interact, Jimin trying so hard to be the glue that binds his friends while tensions between Jungkook and Taehyung get worse by the day.

To the point where they had to act out friendly interactions for the camera.

That is when Hoseok got scared.

Never before had they faked anything like that, they tried to be as authentic as they could and they could because underneath it all their bond was strong, even the ones that seemed the least close had a strong love and respect for one another and that’s what made them strong.

But Hoseok couldn’t worry about it too much, he had other things in his mind, he’s been pressured to release his mixtape before the year ends, a mixtape he’s been working on since 2015 and still doesn’t feel complete

He felt unprepared, it was one thing to be J-hope of BTS with RM and Suga by his side. The rapline was a force of nature but on his own, Hoseok still felt lacking in skill and experience, Namjoon had been rapping since middle school and Yoongi had been making music since he was 13 years old, Hoseok had gotten late into the game and even now, after 8 years of living, breathing and studying hip hop, he didn’t felt deserving of the ‘rapper’ label but the company deems that now it's the best time to take advantage of the momental growth they were experiencing. 

Besides, if their leader hadn’t pointed out any red flags then maybe there wasn’t anything to worry about.

Or so he thought.

During rehearsals for their upcoming comeback, it was late, the dancers and most of the staff had already left, the company building was empty except for their security but they had decided to pull an allnighter to hammer down the details of the choreo. 

There was a particular part of the dance they were having trouble with so they kept repeating it over and over.

“Okay- great energy Taehyung-ah”  Hoseok said, signaling for them to stop, the track continued playing as he turned to the second youngest, a few of the members dropping to the floor for a quick rest during the pause “but could you try to do this part like this? You’re doing it like this and it’s kinda throwing us off”

“this is is what it’s supposed to look like” Jungkook says, demonstrating the move 

“Yeah but I think it looks better like this” Taehyung simply shrugs as he wipes the sweat off his forehead 

“Well, this is how the rest of us are doing it” the youngest argues “so you’re doing it wrong”

“It’s the slightest difference- it’s not the end of the world” it’s Tae’s response, he rolls his eyes and crosses his arms 

“If the difference is so small then why can’t you do it the right way?” Jungkook questions and Taehyung scoffs out loudly “You’re doing it on purpose, aren’t you? You’re just trying to stand out from the rest”

“Me?”

“Yeah, everything you do is to draw attention to yourself” the maknae accuses 

“Guys, come on” Hoseok sighs tiredly, he just wants to be done with this choreo so they can head home and finally rest their tired bodies, everyone else wants the same but Taehyung are determined to battle it out so they completely ignore him

“And what’s so wrong about that?” Taehyung shoots back 

“We’re a group, we’re supposed to be in harmony” the younger insists “But you always try to be ‘weird and quirky’, to be different from the rest of us to get attention”

“Well, I kinda have to Jungkook-ah otherwise no one would even notice me” Taehyung replies, his voice raising the slightest bit as he gets more and more frustrated with his friend “I barely get to sing since you keep getting most of the lines”

“That’s because I’m the main vocal-”

“But you’re not the only one” the elder one snaps “We all work just as hard and for what?”

“I don’t have a say on that- I don’t produce or write our songs, I don’t distribute the lines!” Jungkook barked back

“Of course and you’re happy with how things are because they benefit you” Tae mumbles under his breath looking to the side

“Guys…” Hoseok tries again, stepping between the two, someone tugs on his pant leg 

“Leave them, they need to let it out” Jimin tells him from where he’s sitting on the floor, Hoseok turns to their leader who nods solemnly from his spot.

Taehyung was never one to give up without a fight and for Jungkook losing simply wasn’t an option, these two were fire and Ice, two unrelenting opposing forces, they had been the best of friends from early on and that’s exactly why this could go so wrong, when you’re that close to someone, you know just where to hit to hurt them.

“It benefits the group!” the youngest insists, fuming with barely restrained anger “The company has the final word- if you have a problem you should talk to mr. Bang”

“I get how things work- I’ve been in this business long enough but as a teammate you should think about the rest of us” Taehyung yells back, not trying to control his volume anymore “If I say something I would look like petty jealousy-”

“Maybe because it is” Jungkook shouts back 

“It’s the truth- everyone can see that except you” the older singer’s voice booms across the practice room, Hoseok and the rest of the members exchange glances, Jungkook blinks a couple of times before frowning “Take Jin hyung for example” Taehyung tells him, gesturing to the eldest, who’s standing a few feet away with a bottle of water in his hand “he works super hard and he’s constantly improving but he’s giving a couple of lines and placed in the back and not given enough time to shine”

“Don’t bring Seokjin hyung into this!” Jungkook shouts, his eyes brimming with tears, Hoseok is surprised he hasn’t cried by now, over the years, he had gotten better at holding back his emotions but he’s Jungkook  “if he had a problem with this he would’ve said something, right?” he asks the elder who simply adverts his gaze, not wanting to get involved in the argument, Jungkook huffs and turns back to Taehyung
“you’re the one that has a problem with this because you need to be the center of attention no matter what-”

“Me? Excuse me but last time I checked it was you who threw a fit and sulked for days when you don’t get your way” Taehyung challenged not backing down “And of course Jin hyung isn’t going to say anything because he knows you’re a spoiled brat”

Jungkook opens his mouth and closes it, turning to Seokjin again, the elder still refusing to look his way, the tear begin to shed “I just want what's best for the team” he says, voice constrit 

“And that happens to be you and just you?” Taehyung scoffs shaking his head, unfazed by the tears 

“I just want us to be the best” the younger singer responds in a lower tone 

“Are you hearing yourself right now?” Taehyung lets out a sardonic laugh “How can you be so self centered and selfish? Don’t you care about everyone else’s  happiness?”

Jungkook’s lower lip trembles but he swallows down his tears, anger overriding his face “I’m selfish? You’re the one interrupting our rehearsals and messing up the choreo because of your constant need for attention!” 

“So now I’m the root of all our problems?” Taehyung asks face scarily neutral as he raises a brow at the youngest “If you feel that way maybe I should just leave the team, then everything will perfect for you or better yet you should try going solo- see how high you can fly without us as deadweight”

“Maybe I will” Jungkook mumbles crossing his arms over his chest  

“Go ahead, no one is stopping you superstar” Taehyung says, throwing a mocking smile his way.

Jungkook quickly grabs his stuff and storms out of the practice room, it's deadly quiet for a beat of two before Hoseok walks to place a hand on his shoulder “Taehyung-ah…”

“You all agree with him don’t you?” he asks, voice breaking as he looks at them with tears falling from his eyes 

“We’re not picking sides Taehyungie, we love both of you” Jimin rushes to envelop him in a hug

“We’ll talk about this when you’re feeling better” Yoongi tells says in that low nonchalant tone of his 

“Let’s not get carried away with our emotions and think things through” Seokjin says in a composed tone, his shaking hands the only thing betraying him

“This is a serious subject that affects all of us and the company” Namjoon sighs standing up “so I think I should bring this up to mr. Bang”

They had always said that if one of us no longer wanted this, we would stop- no questions asked but  none before had dared to even mention the possibility, to even consider it. 

“For now, let's just call it a day” Hoseok says with a tilt of his head.

After that, Hoseok was actually terrified.

Mr. Bang hadn’t tried to convince them to reconsider disbandment, being the creator of Bangtan, the man always emphasized the importance of the team, trust and respect as a foundation for the members relationship but most importantly sincerity.

There were plenty of groups out there, with people much more talented than them, that hadn’t achieved a fraction of what they had because they were just groups, they weren’t a team.

The magic force, the source of power that catapulted them to the top has always been their sincere love for music and their bond.

So if Bangtan was no longer making them happy then that was the end of it.

Mr. Bang had pushed them hard to succeed but only because he was sure that’s what they all wanted, it was never against anyone’s will, the long practices, the diets, the endless hours at the studio, they did it because they all wanted what was best for the team. 

And maybe now going their separate ways is what's best for them.

Their current contract would be expiring next year and they were free to decide whether or not to renew it but the catch was, if one of them refuses to sign, then no one will.

BTS is and always will be 7.

So it was time to come face to face with the truth, to lay it all out on the table and decide where to go from now.

But the truth is scary, it prefers to peak his ugly face from the cracks rather than coming into the light, so the conversation keeps getting delayed until it’s much too painful to bear, until it has almost consumed what remained of them.

Taehyung had practically moved out of the dorm, taking the remaining of his things to his parents house. He's there during practice physically but he might as well not be because a sight of cold and quiet Taehyung it’s simply wrong.

The happy weird little guy with alien behavior and the cutest boxy smile had turned into a shadow of himself.

Jungkook on the other hand chose to drown his sorrows in alcohol, he sat around drinking alone and refused to talk to any of them, he barely ate or exercised at all. It was heart wrenching to see the sparkle gone from his pretty eyes, his toothy smile practically gone, it was wrong, everything was wrong.

“Hyung… can you talk to Jungkookie? He’ll listen to you” Hoseok asked one night, walking inside Seokjin’s room on the verge of tears after seeing Jungkook passed out on the couch with bottles of Soju all around.

As cute and goofy as Seokjin may seem, he was still his hyung and Hoseok was desperate for a shoulder to lean on, his are strong enough to bear the weight.

“Hob-ah, I wish he would” the elder sighs, giving his shoulder a squeeze “but we’re not that close anymore, we haven’t been for a while now”

Hoseok’s heart breaks when the elder confirms what he had suspected for a while now, for whatever reason Jungkook had been especially cold and distant towards the elder for a while now, he didn’t respond to Seokjin’s jokes, he ignore him when he tried to tease him and put an abrupt stop to his playful behavior.

Seokjin tried not to act hurt by this, even accepting the title when the members began calling him the ‘real maknae’ of BTS, he said that he understood and accepted that Jungkook had simply matured and grown out of that phase when playing with his hyung was the most important thing.

Now, Hoseok would be the first to admit that in the past he found the two more than a little annoying to be around, one because they would make you feel like you were third wheeling whenever they were together in their own little world and two because they were so loud and unserious during every and any situation.

But he would never resent them for having fun, their childish antics brough levity to any situation, there was never a boring moment when Seokjin and Jungkook were around and now that their chaotic energy had subsided it was glaringly obvious how much they needed that in their group.

Seokjin still did his best to make light out of every situation, to be the ice breaker and make everyone laugh and smile, it was unfair to rely solely on him so Hoseok did his best to contribute to the cause but it just wasn’t the same.

The mood of the group was dull on a good day and gloomy on the worst of them, it felt almost like a dirty betrayal to plaster on a smile for the cameras with all the tension going on behind them.

“Is anyone in this group close anymore?” Hoseok’s body shakes with a sob, there’s only so much one can take and he wonders how Seokjin is managing to keep it together so well “What happened to us hyung?”

“Honestly, I don’t know but it’s been building up for a while” Seokjin says, cool and collected as he’s handing him a tissue  “Can I tell you the truth?” he nods in response as he dabs the tissue under his eyes and sits on the elder’s bed “The real reason I bought the apartment is because I don’t have much faith in us anymore- I feel like this is the end for us” Seokjin looks numb, detached as he says it, like his mind and heart are elsewhere so he doesn’t have to deal with the pain 

“What? Hyung, how can you say that?” Hoseok cries, voice cracking as he shakes his head “Is that what you actually want?”

“Of course not- I’m in this shit for life but the rest are having doubts” Seokjin sighs pulling his knees up to his chest 

“They’re just doubts- we can work things out, there’s still hope” he argues fervently, perhaps he’s also trying to convince himself 

“I’m just being realistic Hob-ah, everything is falling apart and it’s not the same as before when we had all those common dreams and goals and the  drive to accomplish them” his hyung responds looking down at his hands “We’ve hit the glass ceiling- this is as high as we can go together, so what is there left?”

Hoseok stares for a second in disbelief before he says “Us, Bantang, our friendship and the love we have for eachother”

Seokjin is quiet for a moment, before he lets out a sardonic laugh, gently patting the younger’s  knee “Sometimes, love isn’t enough Hoseok-ah” he whispers eventually, a frown tugging at usually smiling plump lips.

After that, Hoseok is determined to prove Seokjin wrong. Lose is more than enough, love is everything and he’s certain it will be what saves their family.

He tries talking to the members one by one, spending time with them and giving them words of encouragement and reminding them of the better days, to tug at their heartstrings with all the memories they collected over the years emphasizing how much they would lose if they decided to part ways.

It’s funny that at 14 years old, Jungkook was able to convince Hoseok to stay when he was determined to leave, he cried and begged until the rapper caved in but Hoseok at 24 years old, couldn’t do the same with them.

But life has a way of proving to him why he had chosen the right name and just as J-hope had begun to lose it, Pandora's box suddenly opened.

“I’ve planned out a trip, for all of us- just us 7” Taehyung announced one day after rehearsals “No cameras, no managers so we can finally talk things out,  we’re not giving up on us without a fight”

“Fine, let’s go” Namjoon says with a nod 

“I’m in” JImin smiles

“Me too” Hoseok agrees 

“It’s worth the try” Yoongi shrugs 

“Yeah sure” Seokjin says, turning to Jungkook who was next to him, he looks at the youngest for a moment, a silent conversation happening between the two before he nods in agreement. 

The next weekend they arrive at Gapyeong, a rustic wooden home by a lake.

They were the only guests staying there, they had the gardens and yard, the pool and the deck all to themselves. There was an outdoor grill and a decent sized kitchen but only 3 bedrooms, so the first thing they did was decide who was sleeping where using rock, paper, scissors because they believe in democracy, once they were settled in, the two eldest headed to the kitchen followed by Jungkook.

Seokjin and Junkgook prepared the rice and some jjampong while Yoongi grilled the pork outside.

They were supposed to have a very important talk and while Hoseok wanted to enjoy their time together he was also filled with anxiety and fear of how this trip would turn out, would this be their last time as Bangtan?

When the beer and soju entered the scene, it seemed like that would be the end of it. They wouldn’t be having this conversation drunk, they shouldn’t when it's such a life changing matter at hand so he decided to forget about it for the night and joined in on the fun.

They gathered around the grill and ate the pork Yoongi struggled to cook on the dark and windy evening, they fed him as he manned the grill and later joined them when they sat down around the firepit eating noodles out of solo cups, Taehyung’s smooth jazz playlist playing through Jungkook’s speakers, the fire almost hypnotic, almost lulling Hoseok to sleep, or maybe it was the beer.

He didn’t realize how drunk they were until Yoongi had slurred his words when telling them he had a new song that he wanted them to hear, he then stumbled on his way to get his phone both him and Jungkook struggling to connect the device to his speakers.

“I wrote this for you guys- I… Just listen to the lyrics''

By the end of the short track, there wasn't a dry eye among them, they all sob their hearts out listening to the song again and again until they had cried all their pain out.

That night, they talked like they never had before.

They aired out their fears and concerns, as a group and as individuals. 

Hoseok thought they had good communication and a close relationship before but after that night, what they had before seemed almost superficial in comparison.

After eating undercooked pork they all get sick but their hearts heal, their souls once again tied together once again, they emerge with renewed goals and dreams, with clear objectives in mind, to stay together no matter what.

To be Bantang until they physically can’t no more.

Later they would find out that Yoongi had sent Taehyung and Jungkook a long message filled with love and support, though the elder was embarrassed of what he did, ultimately that small detail is what made Taehyung reconsider and made him give this one last chance.

And it's enough proof of how sincere and how deep their love goes, that Yoongi, who’s famous for hating any type of emotional display or sentimental words, had chosen to pour his heart out to the younger members and express his sincere love for them.

With turbulent waters now settled down and confident in their swimming skills, they embarked on another tour, injuries and sickness were expected as was the pressure to be better and getter, it’s a good thing that after all they went through they felt even stronger.

In October, they renew their contracts, each and every one of them.

Right after that, Jungkook injured his foot. 

Hoseok worried about how this would affect Jungkook’s mental state, he was prepared for tears and they came when they were on stage but afterwards the youngest seemed much more at ease, just a little frustrated by not being able to perform for their fans but he did his best to not let the injury get him down.

And Seokjin had a lot to do with that.

Hoseok was almost transported to 2012, when Seokjin would constantly dote and care for Jungkook, catering to his every need and never letting the boy feel alone or unheard, it was incredibly sweet.

Even after drifting apart for a couple of years, they naturally fell into each other once again, with Jungkook thriving under his hyung’s care and beaming from his attention. 

“Does it still hurt, Jungkook-ah?” Seokjin asked scratching the back of Jungkook’s hair, Hoseok is sitting on the couch across from them eyeing them from the corner of his eye

“Not much hyung- the meds helped but they made me sleepy” the boy yawns, cuddling closer to Seokjin as he lets out a big yawn

“You can sleep- there’s still time before the show” Seokjin hums resting his head against Jungkook’s and gently slapping his thigh “I’ll stay here with you while you sleep and I wake you up right before the show,  I have plenty of experience waking you up and a foolproof method”

“Ah hyung- don’t pinch my nipples on camera ever again please” Jungkook grumbles looking around the room

“But it’s okay if I do it off camera?” Seokjin asks in a low voice

“Hyung!” the younger squeaks out with a blush spreading on his face 

“Hyung’s just kidding Jk, I’ll stay with you so relax” the older vocalist chuckles rubbing Jungkook’s neck

“Hyung… can you hold me?” Jungkook whispers looking up at Seokjin with pleading eyes, he seems unsure as he scans the room before throwing his arms over his shoulder and pulling the boy closer to him, for the rest of the night Hoseok can’t forget about the blissful smile on Jungkook’s face when he went to sleep.

Especially during the usual fan service portions of the show, when Jimin and Taehyung would go up to his seat to interact with him, he played along happily but his smile was only a fraction of what it was when Seokjin approached. 

He orbits around Jungkook, ignoring his own fanservice duties and instead focusing on bringing a smile to maknae’s place every chance he gets, his focus merely on him, Jungkook’s eyes lighting up like the army bombs on their shows whenever Seokjin so much as looked at him is another thing that refuses to leave Hoseok’s mind that night. 

The next day he heads to Jungkook’s room to check up on him, by the door he bumps into Seokjin, who was leaving the room, still dressed in his pajamas and serious case of bedhead.

“J-hope!” the elder almost jumps when he sees him

“Hyung” he greets, eyeing him with suspicion

“I just stopped by to check on jk” 

“Yeah me too”

“Well, I’m gonna change and head to rehearsal now” Seokjin nods, pointing towards his room before scurrying away, Hoseok simply shrugs and knocks on the door 

“Hyungie?” Jungkook’s voice calls as Hoseok slowly opens the door “oh- Hi hyung”

“Hey Jungkookie, are you feeling better?” he asks choosing to ignore the obvious disappointment in Jungkook’s eyes 

“Yeah- much better”

“Good, the staff will bring your breakfast soon, remember you can’t have your meds on an empty stomach” Hoseok nods looking around the room

“Okay hyung”

“Did you sleep well last night?” he asks, sitting on the corner of the bed, careful to not jolt his injured friend

“A little too well- ah my face is so puffy” Jungkook yawns touching his face 

“You had ramyun last night, didn’t you?” Hoseok chuckles at his almost round face 

“It was Jin hyung’s fault- we were watching a movie last night and he said he was hungry” the boy mumbles squeezing his own cheeks “And then he made himself a bowl and didn’t want to share with me so me made me one and- well here we are, ah his face doesn’t get swollen no matter what, it’s not fair” the boy sighs 

“It’s good to see you two getting along” Hoseok comments with a sincere smile, Jungkook tries to hide how flustered he is with a shrug 

“Uh… yeah” he says “Hyung has been taking good care of me- all of you have, I’m grateful for that”

“That’s really sweet Jungkookie” the dancer beams patting Jungkook’s uninjured foot 

“You’re heading to rehearsals?” Jungkook changes the subject suddenly “Can I go? I’ll stay put- I just wanna watch”

“I think you should rest a bit more, the more you rest the faster you’ll heal” he tells the boy, who pouts crossing his arms over his chest but doesn’t protest any further 

“Fine, I’ll just stay here… all alone and bored” the boy sighs dramatically 

“it’s only for a few days, no need to sulk” Hoseok chuckles at his little pout and scrunched up brows, then there’s a knock on the other side of the door 

“Jungkook-ah?” Seokjin’s voice calls as the door swings open, he’s carrying an overflowing tray “I have your breakfast”

“You’re part of the staff now?” Hoseok chuckles at the elder, he was already changed into day clothes, his hair looking a little more decent as he places the tay on Jungkook’s lap “I’m just taking care of my Jungkookie, make sure you finish everything ”

“Thanks hyungie” the boy beams up at the elder

Hoseok looks between the two of them for a while before breaking the little moment they were having and getting up from the bed and claps his hands “we should head out now”

“Okay…Ah… I brought you this” Seokjin says before the boy can start sulking again, he takes his nintendo switch from his hoodie’s pocket and hands it to their youngest

“Really? Can I?” the boy gasps, bright smile as he turns on the device 

“Just don’t mess up my island and don’t spend all my miles” Seokjin hums watching Jungkook with a fond smile 

“I won’t, thanks hyungie” the boy giggles cutely, Hoseok blinks a couple of times, looking at the two of them as if they’ve grown an extra head, the meaningful glances they exchange aren’t for the world to see, they aren’t for him to witness.

Not on when their hours away from a sold out stadium show.

“Okay- now we really gotta go” he says, pulling Seokjin by the arm to leave the room.

By the time they received the cultural merit award Jungkook’s injury had healed pretty well but the younger had completely fallen into the habit of being dotted on by the elder, it seemed like they were back to being completely obsessed with each other and Hoseok couldn’t complain as these two were the group’s happy pill and source of energy but his mind can’t help to wonder about a couple of things.

Hoseok had always been called innocent, he may be a little naive perhaps but he isn’t completely clueless.

He knows what fraternal love is like because that is what he feels every day for his members, he knows where the lines of platonic affection are drawn and by now he’s an expert at detecting the fake smell of performative pseudo romance of fanservice.

The whole, act gay but don’t be gay shit the industry had forced on them, so he can detect the real thing when he sees it and it’s right there, it has been there for all these years, he simply failed to pay attention before.

He can recognize patterns if they repeat themselves year after year, day after day and he knows his members extremely well, specially the younger ones that he practically raised. 

Jungkook was easily distracted, hyperactive beyond belief and has always been, if something doesn’t interest him, he cannot for the life of him act the slightest bit interested, a giving when someone is a transparent and authentic soul as he is, there are only a few things that can capture his attention for long and have him completely Immersed.

Music and Seokjin

Music was Jungkook’s one true love, out of his many talents he had chosen to dedicate his life to it from a very young age, a commitment much too big for a teenager it would seem but to the boy it was the most natural thing. 

Music is like the air he breathes, like the particles that make up the matter that is him, without it, there is no Jeon Jungkook.

And to him, Seokjin is like celestial music it would seem,like the most majestic melody ever composed, he was completely entranced and enamored by all aspects of him, he could talk about him endlessly, touch, feel and listen to him on repeat.

Hoseok couldn’t help but wonder what type of song Jungkook was to Seokjin. 

“The kids seem to be doing better” he comments one night while sharing a drink with Seokjin 

“They’re getting along at least” the elder chuckles as he pours himself another shot of soju.

Seokjin, youthful and  handsome as ever, seems physically unaffected by the stress of the past year, his face frozen in time since the day of their debut.

“Are you happy hyung?” Hoseok asks, scanning that beautiful and unreadable face 

“As long as you guys are happy, I’m happy” is all his says 

“Me too, I guess” the younger nods in response, pausing for a moments before he ads “But unlike before, now I want things for myself- there are things I want to try and see if I can make myself  happy too in the future” Seokjin listens intently, attention undivided as he continues to speak “Like having the members is the foundation of my happiness but now I want to build upon it”

“That’s great Hoseok-ah- a very healthy mindset” Seokjin says, a smile tugging at his lips “You’re incredibly talented, you’re a superstar on your own right”

“I don’t know”  Hoseok flushes and this time it’s not the alcohol but the sincere tone of his hyung’s voice “even if my solo projects flop- I want to be able to say that I at least tried it and did something on my own”

“Whatever you chose to do, you’ll excel at it” the elder hums with a slight nod of his head 

“Thank you hyung” Hoseok chuckles softly grabbing his drink

“And if you get even richer than us, promise you’ll take care of hyung” Seokjin says raising his glass, Hoseok cackles as he clinks their drinks together, promising that he will always take care of him.

“What about you? Have you given the future any thought?” he asks after they’ve quiet down

“I honestly haven’t, you know I’m not like that”

Hoseok nods thoughtfully, Seokjin is the type that likes to live in the moment, he doesn’t dwell on things or overthinks a very useful trait when you live like this. 

But thinking about the future isn’t the same as worrying about it, it’s okay to plan and want things, you can go with the flow but also chase your dreams, it's what Hoseok was determined to do.

In their new contract it was specified that in the future they would be allowed to embark and focus on solo projects even as they continued being Bantan, thus every member could express themselves and not always have to cave in for the sake of the group as they have been for all these years.

Mr. Bang, always a visionary, had drawn out a map that not only took into consideration their careers but the members' well-being and things went according to plan, 2020 would be the year when things begin to change.

They a couple of tours and two albums planned, on the second one they would slowly introduce the fans to solo stages, give them a taste of what's to come and after the tour they would announce their solo works one by one, it had to be done carefully, so no one would be taken by surprise or misunderstand what they meant. 

They simply wanted to explore their horizons but they would always come back to their home base, to BTS.

The solo works would also ensure that at least one of the members is active while the others serve their time in the army, it was a win-win for everyone involved.

“Besides” Seokjin sighs “I can’t plan that far ahead before tackling one major thing”

“You’re right, sorry hyung” Hoseok apologizes for bringing up the subject, it’s not like Seokjin can forget or think about anything else, the law of the country clearly states that must serve before he turns 28. 

True to his nature Seokjin doesn’t take offense, instead he waves him off and makes a joke of it “Maybe when I’m back you guys will finally start showing me some respect, I’ll be a real adult after all”

“You have our respect no matter what hyung” Hoseok says patting his hand

“You know, I never thought I would be doing this for so long, I thought that after I was done with my service I would go back to the real world, have a normal life and settle down” Seokjin comments the rapper’s hand rest on top of his

“And you don’t feel that way anymore?” he asks tilting his head to the side

“I mean, it’s not like I’ve dated anyone long enough to actually see if I’m ready” the elder chuckles “I just know that I’m done with the casual stuff- it just leaves you feeling empty inside”

“Yeah” Hoseok agrees, looking far ahead, the whole hooking up thing might work for a while but loneliness is something you can’t escape as an idol

“I guess I do want to settle down but I don’t know if I can- if any of us could” Seokjin continues in a lower voice “If it would even be worth it” 

“Of course it would” Hoseok gently slaps the top of his hand, being pulled back into the conversation “Because you would love them and they would love you”

“I’ve only loved one person in my life” Seokjin announces and Hoseok doesn’t question him any further because he has a suspicions of who he’s referring to  “and as I said before, sometimes love isn’t enough”

He stares at his hyung for a while before giving him a small nod of his head.

Hoseok understands, he understands the fear and the doubts that hide behind the statement, the hesitation to chase after the greatest thing because it could cost you everything else.

But Seokjin has been wrong before, Hoseok hopes he will be wrong again.

Chapter Text

It was only when the Love Yourself tour ended that Taehyung felt like 2018 was officially over, the last year had been for lack of better words, fuckin insane.

Promoting 3 albums, injuries, health scares, arguments,disagreements and tension were rampant, as many low points as they had hit, they had also climbed to new peaks, They were truly grateful to make it through another year still in one piece.

If there’s one moment that perfectly embodied 2018 for Taehyung it was their MAMA acceptance speech, looking back at it’s almost funny now, the dissonance between their colorful hairs and outfits, the triumphant sound of Idol playing as they walked up on that stage only for it to end up in such a melodramatic note.

Taehyung had the acting bug early on in his career but even after practicing and studying he couldn't hold back his emotions when Seokjin stepped up to the microphone, at the moment, his composure was much like his brightly colored hair, temporary.

He felt so many things at once, an icy chill of fear ran through his spine as he thought about what would’ve happened if they hadn’t decided to stay together earlier this year, how this would probably be the last award they would receive as a group, how terrifying it would be to face the world without the other six members by his side, especially when Jungkook wrapped his arms around him and held him so tight that he felt like pieces of their friendship had officially been welded back together in place.

He couldn’t stop crying afterwards and he couldn’t forget about this moment even now.

While the speech was like salt to a healing wound, it also made him realize how lucky he was, in this life, he’s gone beyond his wildest dreams. 

Everyone’s favorite song to perform was “so what” it was their chance to really do as the song says and truly let go, they had fun goofing off on stage and the fans loved the silly interactions but like everything else they do on stage, it was still carefully choreographed beforehand, like Taehyung and Seokjin’s moment. 

They had a rough idea of what they would be doing in every show but sometimes the moments were truly spontaneous, today for the final show, Taehyung was supposed to lay down on the floor and Seokjin was supposed to lean over him, singing his part with his face as close as possible to the younger’s.

But at the last minute Seokjin decided to lay down on top of him instead, it took Taehyung by surprise but fans seemed to love it anyways, fans loved their interactions and Taehyung loved how flustered the elder would get every time.

His Seokjin hyung was a confident man most of the time but he was still a little shy, Taehyung knew just how to make his ears burn red, it didn’t matter if he got a good slap from his hyung later on, it was all in good fun or so he thought. 

It was a part of their jobs, to create these moments and give the fans the interactions they wanted to see, to Taehyung it was an effortless task.

He loved the reactions he got and he had no qualms about being touchy feely with his friends, so if the staff asked him to hug Jungkook or get playful with Jimin, he did it gladly, just to make the fans smile.

He knew that the fans loved him and Seokjin together, he’s known it since the fancams of blanket kick went viral on twitter years ago.

Years ago they had all been called into a meeting with some so called experts, around the time when their popularity had began to skyrocket, these people promised that they had strategies to grow their presence only and capture the hearts of new fans

“As a group you have undeniable chemistry and the fans love group interactions as much as they love one on one” the man leading the team of experts said “We think it’s important to take their likes into account is important and we have been carefully analyzing their preferences” 

“Preferences?” Namjoon asked with a serious tone, his glasses on and jaw set, leader mode turned on “can you please be more specific?”

“We want army to love all of the members equally but there are certain combinations and dynamics that get a better response, especially online- these ‘ships’ as the fans call them ”

“For example, the fans like Seokjin and Taehyung together- they say you two have a certain chemistry, tension-”

“Yeah fans do that- they write fanfiction and draw art, we know and it can’t be helped” Yoongi interrupts, inpatient look on his face as the man continues to beat around the bush 

“We think that’s a good thing- it creates buzz and more engagement online” the man rushed to elaborate “so in the future, we know that your specific pairing would do well and we could encourage and maybe create new moments-”

“basically , you want us to do more fanservice so the moments can go viral online” Namjoon sums up, a wary look on his face as the man confirms his suspicion

“We have compiled some data of the more popular pairings in the group” one of the subordinates ads as he pulls up a chart on the projector, the numbers on the screen meant little to nothing to Taehyung

Fanservice is an integral part of being idols, these people are not discovering anything new the only difference is that they had found a way to quantify the results but fanservice was as old as kpop itself. 

Taehyung never had a problem with it, it was a part of performing like putting on a show, a chance to use his acting skills and have a little fun with the members putting on a show for the fans.

There weren’t many things that Taehyung didn’t like about being an idol, he was truly grateful to his fans. 

Because of them, he got to do what he loved and he got so much loved for it in exchange.   

He was just a farmer boy from Daegu and though his grandmother’s strong arms sheltered him from as much as she could for the first years of his life, his grandma always said he would be a star but he figured that was just something grandmothers would say. 

Because as he he grew, he learned a few harsh truths about this world, like the fact that even your closest friends can turn their back on you, that you have to work hard to get the things you want and even harder to maintain them, that money, or more specifically the absence of it can make life difficult and that whether you like it or not, people will judge you based on appearances.

And yet somehow, he had ended up here. 

With millions of adoring fans all around the world, a great career and a group of friends that loved him enough to stick around, that worked as hard as him for what they had, friends that had struggled with him, that took care of him and accepted him no matter what.

Even when he didn’t really know who he was because his concept of self was ever changing, some days he didn’t even recognize himself. 

Who was this quiet and serious man staring back at him? 

What happened to the loud and goofy kid that used to roam around seeking to wreak havoc upon the world?

When did he stop watching anime or listening to hip hop? When had the supreme hoodies turned into tailor made Italian designer coats? 

When he was young Taehyung didn’t know shame, he was outgoing and extroverted, he could talk people to death and make friends wherever he went, he’s a lot more reserved now. 

He gets a little anxious when it’s his turn to speak, he cares a lot more about how his words and presence affect those around him, that’s a good change he thinks but maybe it’s one that happened overnight. 

The fans, prone to worry no matter what, had noticed the change right away and while the most loyal ones took it in stride, others refused to accept this new version of himself and Taehyung was so scared of losing them.

They wanted the old Tae and he wanted to make them happy but he can’t go back to that, the old Tae almost cost him his friends. 

Back then, Taehyung had a very selfish mindset, he only cared about his own amusement and his own needs. 

He always did the opposite of what he was told, his free spirit was taken to the extreme as a teen. 

He knows he made the hyung’s life a lot more difficult but Jimin and Jungkook were victims too. 

During turbulent years, filled with anguish and doubt as he tried to discover who he really was, his members stuck by his side, listening to him and encouraging to open up about his new interests and hobbies. 

They were the water, sun and soil that every little sapling needed to mature into a great tree,

He’s determined now, to be that for them, to be the best friend he possibly can because friendships like this come once in a lifetime, more than ever now, he was determined to get closer to the members.

He listens to them a lot more now, he truly listens and watches them, this new introspective side of him is constantly in tune with the member’s emotional state. 

Each of the members is so different that it’s almost surprising how they can all be such good friends, regardless, Taehyung thinks that he’s good at reading each of them by now.

He knows now that if Hoseok starts to get too quiet, the best thing you can do is act silly or cute around him and soon his frown will turn upside down and that his contagious laughter will be filling the room like life giving oxygen, he knows that if Jimin is starting to get indecisive that the best solution is to encourage him with kind words and give him constant reassurance. 

As for Yoongi, he has found that being overly affectionate in a playful way works best to bring out his softer side, Namjoon is much different in that way, their leader isn’t very fond of physical affection so the best approach is following him around like a puppy. For his Seokjin hyung, the fool proof to get him to smile was teasing him, to annoy him just enough and for Jungkook, well, the best way used to be provoking him, trying to get a reaction out of him so it can turn into an excuse to play or compete but nowadays, he isn’t sure that’s the best approach anymore.

Taehyung and Jungkook used to be the best of friends. Before Jimin had joined the group, they were the closest in age, the maknae was the one person Taehyung could really play around with, being the rowdy and silly teens they were and get into all sorts of trouble together.

They were so close that the elder at first suggested they dropped the honorifics all together so they could be like actual same age friends, at the time he thought that would bring them even closer together but a then 14 year old Jungkook had refused, still, they remained partners in crime.

Jungkook was the easiest person to talk to but at some point, Taehyung began to understand more, to change the way he saw things and then one day, they were out of sync and for the first time he actually felt their age difference in age.

In times of need, he would turn to Jimin, who he previously had considered boring, he now saw as mature, Jimin is a friend of the same age friend that cares for you like a hyung would and throughout his turbulent times, that was exactly what he needed.

Taehyung never intentionally tried to push Jungkook away, it simply happened  over time. After his grandmother passed away, he began to question most things in his life when confronted with such an earth shattering event, his grandmother had raised him until he was 13.

His first memories in life revolved around her, the unconditional love he showered him with, the sheer joy of that simple life they shared  when it was just the two of them in her little farm house in Daegu.

His family wasn’t well off, his parents had gotten married when they were still quite young, they had not a penny to their names so they both had to work constantly when he was young, their solution was to take him to his grandmother’s home while they went to find better jobs in the city.

Taehyung never thought much of it before but after losing his grandmother, he realized all he had left were his parents and his siblings but the truth is he never got to spend much time with them.

By the age of 13, his parents were settled enough to have Taehyung and his siblings move to the city with them, they moved into an apartment close to the elementary school his brother and sister would be attending and he started his last year in middle school and then a couple of years later he would pass an audition and have to move to Seoul to become a trainee. Around that time, going months without seeing his family was the norm, they didn’t have enough time to go back and forth to visit him and he didn’t have much time to make the trip, especially when they relocated the family to Geoje island but every once in a while his father would visit him. 

He would endure the 12 hour trip to see his son for 30 minutes, buy him and his friends some bread and milk and rush back home to get back to work but every time his father left, Taehyung felt even worse.

He missed his family, he missed his home and he missed being a normal kid, to the point that once he called his father in tears, telling him he wanted to quit but his father's understanding response and his unconditional support only made him stay.

If his parents could endure so much for him, he could do that too and accomplish his dream, in his youth he was convinced that time was on his side, that in the future he could make up for the lost time with his family when he was done with work, all those belief came tumbling down in 2016.

Even now, he can’t forget that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone, his parents or him could be gone from this earth at any time and his hope to spend time with them would be nothing more than a dream.

That is why he brought his family to Seoul, he got an apartment for them and made sure to spend most of his free time with them, after all his hard work he was able to create a comfortable home, complete with a little dog.

But spending time with his parents meant spending less time with the members outside of work and when times get rough, the distance seems abysmal. 

After bringing bangtang back from the brink of death, he was determined to never let things get so bad ever again but also to find a balance so he can be with his family as well.

All and all, things were looking up in this new year, 2019 brought new possibilities and opportunities and Taehyung was determined to seize them all, that is why, when Jungkook called him one night to have a drink with him, he said yes, despite not being really in the mood for a drink.

He’s never been much of a beer guy, he much prefers wine but he still sits with Jungkook as the younger pours him some beer while the pork belly cooks before them. 

The air wasn’t as comfortable as it was back then, the silence a lot more pronounced without the rest of the members round, still, they both tried to act unaffected by the awkwardness as the sizzling sounds of the grill filled the tiny space of the private booth Jungkook had booked. 

“So…” Taehyung starts as the younger flips the pieces of meat “how’ve you been?”

“Good? I mean- yeah good” Jungkook blinks a couple of times before returning his attention back to the grill

In August and September they would be taking their first official break, starting next week they would have 2 months off, free from work commitments and schedules and although it was new and exciting and new, Taehyung was also a little anxious to be away from the members because they’d never been apart for so long before.

Taehyung wanted to take the chance to travel with his friends and spend chuseok with his family but before he could completely relax and enjoy he wanted to make sure things were alright with Jungkook.

They had made up for their huge fight last year long ago and they have been getting along quite well, they all have but the distance is still there.

Taehyung thinks that they had grown apart but they had also grown while they were apart and now its their opportunity to come together as the more mature versions of themselves. 

But the first step to breach the gap is often the most difficult one.

“What about you hyung?” Jungkook asks, placing some pork on his plate and grounding him back in reality 

“I’m good- excited for our break” he replies with an easy smile “I wanna travel and spend chuseok with my family- do you have anything planned yet?”

“I think I’ll be going to the artist I was telling you guys about- the one that did my brother’s tattoos” the younger man comments as he chews on a piece of pork 

“You’re actually getting a tattoo?” Taehyung blinked owlishly, he has nothing against tattoos personally but he just never thought the company would allow something like this though the company is much more lenient with them nowadays.

“Tattoos, actually- I want a full sleeve, I think it can be done within a month” Jungkook hums unlocking his phone and opening his photo gallery before handing over his phone to the elder “He sent me some of the designs- look”

As skims through the pictures, he can really feel Jungkook’s essence in them. It would just make sense 

“They look awesome” he tells his younger friend “But you know it’s going to hell, right Jungkook-ah?”

“Maybe but i don’t care-  I’ve wanted it for so long and now I finally get to do it” Jungkook smiles content

“I’m sure it’s gonna look great but is there a reason why you want to get tattooed? Like a special meaning behind them?” Taehyung asks and perhaps he’s been spending too much time around Yoongi nowadays but he can’t help but to get introspective about most things 

“I mean a few of them will have a meaning sure but I don’t know- I just really want them” the younger vocalist responds with a shrug “You know how most of the time we can’t even decide what to wear or how we wear our hair? But tattoos are permanent- no one can take them away from me, it’s like claiming ownership over my body and my life”

Taehyung nods in silent understanding before he asks “You wouldn’t mind if they make you cover them up sometimes?” 

“They will still be there on my skin- because I wanted them, because I decided to get them” Jungkook simply smiles “no one can make them go away”

“Huh, I never thought about it that way” the elder hums, focusing back on his meal as he once again loses himself in his thoughts.

Taehyung never felt particularly pressured when it came to his physical appearance, when he debuted he was a scrawny kid and while he wasn’t the tallest, he was pretty happy about his height, specially when he his body began to fill up and began to look a lot more manly, he had learned how to dress in a way that suited his body and had had found his signature style early on but sometimes he also chose to threw it all out the window and wear the most oversized unflattering clothes for the sake of comfort, it’s not like he’s trying to hide his body, he simply prefers adorning it with clothes most of the time.

He didn’t mind wearing whatever the style team threw on them every comeback, he took it as a chance to experiment and try out new looks and styles, he might show a little skin here and he keeps in shape thanks to their extraneous dance practices but he’s never been obsessed with working out like some of the members were and are. 

Taehyung during 2017 he had gained some weight, it was especially noticeable on his face but because he never had this ripped body, the reactions to his weight gain was mild at best, mostly army saying he looked cute with his fuller cheeks and no one really expected him to drop the weight immediately either. 

Jungkook on the other hand, had articles written about him every time his weight fluctuates even a little bit, if he’s too thin, too buff, someone will always complain and the worst part is that he actually listened to them.

He spent countless hours at the gym, he boxed and dance and religiously dieted before every comeback in order to look his best and granted he delivered, his six pack was practically the 8th member of bts at this point, just a flash of his defined abdomen was enough to have a whole stadium of fans losing their minds but that also created unrealistic expectations for him. Taehyung can understand why, after years of trying to please everyone Jungkook would decide to take agency over his appearance and reclaim his own body, tattoos were the perfect way of doing  just that.

“Our Jungkookie is all grown up” Taehyung blurts out then, making the younger laugh 

“I guess I am” Jungkook says, eyes focused on the grill “Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it though, sometimes, I feel so old- like I’ve lived longer than I have because of how much I’ve worked and other times, I feel like I’m stuck- like I froze at 15”

This is the most him and Jungkook had spoken in a long time, and with every word the younger one only surprises him more.

“Well, as someone that has know you since then- I can tell you that you have really matured, especially in the past couple of years” he tells him with an earnest smile “But you’re also the same in a lot of ways- you’re still a greedy little thing when it comes to food” the little that Jungkook lets out is another thing that hasn’t changed “And you haven’t lost that spark in your eyes”

“Thanks” the boy makes a show of rolling his eyes 

“That’s a good thing, really Jungkook-ah” Taehyung insists, stealing a piece of meat “I feel like I’ve changed so much that I lost myself and I almost lost you guys as well, I couldn’t see it at the time but you were right about a few things, you know?”

“No hyung, I’m sorry I said those things” Jungkook shakes his head, a panicked look on his face 

“I know but you were still right- I can be pretty selfish at times” Taehyung says waving him of “And I guess I do like the attention- mostly, I love making the fans smile”

“I can’t blame you for that- it’s our job and you’re pretty good at it” says solemnly “You’re a true entertainer on and off the stage”

“Still, I’m sorry if sometimes I push it too far- I know you don’t like it” Taehyung mumbles looking down at his plate fidgeting with his chopsticks 

“I agreed to this- I’m part of the problem too” Jungkook shrugs it off “But I’ve never been as good as an actor, it’s almost impossible for me to pretend”

“You wear your heart on your sleeve but that’s not a bad thing” The elder admits 

“It makes things more complicated, for everyone” his friend sighs, his phone beeping with a notification “I called Jimin hyung- he’ll be here soon”

“Oh okay- good” Taehyung nods, he truly thought it would just be the two of them for once but of course Jungkook and Jimin had gotten a lot closer in the last couple of years and he’s fine with that but there were still a lot of things he wanted to talk to Jungkook about, it would have to be another time.

With Jimin there, the mood got significantly brighter and the topics of conversation a lot lighter and Jungkook seemed a lot more relaxed and laid back with him there. Overall it was a lovely night, a rare night when it was just the three of them, the maknae line felt as close as it once was.

They return to the dorm together, Taehyung debated whether he should head back parents home but decided to stay in their shared apartment instead, since they had a schedule the next day anyways. 

“How did it go?” Jimin asks once after a sleepy Jungkook heads to his room, leaving the two of them alone in the kitchen “Did you guys get to talk?”

“A little, yes” Taehyung replies before sighing as he takes a seat “He’s really grown- he’s so mature now, he’s really not a kid anymore”

“So are you guys good?” Jimin asks giving him one of his famous eye smiles when he nods in response “I’m so relieved  you finally know- it was so hard keeping it secret from you”

“I didn’t think it was a secret- he’s wanted it for a long time and he wasn’t exactly subtle about it” Taehyung frowns in confusion 

“Ah yeah” Jimin chuckles shaking his head  in amusement
“I’m glad he’s finally getting to do what he wants” he ads with a shrug, his friend’s eyes going impossibly wide as he stares back 

“He is?” the shorter man asks a smile growing larger on his face with each second “What? How? He didn’t tell me about this”

“He said the break would be the perfect time to do it” Taehyung hum, confused by the reaction

Jimin looks giddy almost, as he claps his small hands and laughs out loud “Oh my god! I can’t believe he’s finally confessing to Jin hyung-” 

“He’s what?” Taehyung almost shouts “Confessing to who? I was talking about tattoos!”

Jimin gasps, slapping a hand over Taehyung’s mouth “Hush- keep your voice down!” 

“Jin hyung? He likes Jin hyung?” he asks, tugging the Jimin’s hand away “If it was anyone I would’ve guessed he liked you”

“Me?” Jimin asks sounding almost offended 

“Yeah! You two spend so much time together and are always touching each other-”

“Okay stop! First of all- ew!” his friend scrunches up his face “That’s our Jungkookie- he’s my little brother”

“Same here but Jin hyung…Wow- Wow!” Taehyung exclaims getting up from his seat and passing around the room “Things are starting to make so much sense now”

“Shit- he was supposed to tell you but If he didn’t tell you himself there must be a reason- ” Jimin panicked with his face in his hands “Please, don’t tell him you know-It's already hard enough to get him to open up”

“So you want to lie to him to not lose his trust?” Taehyung scoffed stopping to stare at him 

“At least for now- if he didn’t tell you it’s because he’s not ready” Jimin snaps at him with no real heat 

“But what- how? When did this start?” the taller of the friends asks frantically running his fingers through his hair 

Jimin simply sighs, he shakes his head and offers him a smile “He said it was love at first sight”

“Oh fuck- he’s down bad, isn’t he?” is Taehyung’s visceral reaction, his friend nods in response “And hyung?” 

“I think he knows but I can’t really read him that well and you know he’s allergic to serious talks” Jimin says rolling his eyes “But I don’t think Jungkookie cares- I think he’ll just keep loving him no matter what”

“Man, he really has grown” Taehyung wants to laugh. 

To think that Jungkook, famous for being possessive could have such a healthy love for his hyung, mr. ‘What's yours is mine and what’s mine is mine’ is so willing to let go is wild.

Jimin tells him even more, in the quiet darkness of the living room, he tells him how he’s tried to help Jungkook get over his feelings multiple times, be it by setting him up in dates, distracting him with trips and outing, pushing him to hang with his friends and even teaching him how to flirt so that maybe he can meet someone else but nothing has worked. 

At the end of the day Jungkook will always have Seokjin up on a pedestal, even if that means that he never gets to hold him in his arms.

“He kinda thinks you have feelings for hyung as well” Jimin admits to him eventually when telling why Jungkook wanted to talk to him in the first place

“What? That’s ridiculous” he actually laughs 

“Taehyung, you actually kissed him on the lips once so it’s not that crazy” his friend deadpans and he simply offers a shrug in response 

“I mean- hyung is extremely attractive and I love him with all my heart but I never saw him that way” Taehyung explains “I just like getting him all shy and flustered”

Taehyung adored his Seokjin hyung, he found him both adorable and admirable. Seokjin could act like the maknae and be all cute and bratty one second and then the next be this ethereal and mature man exuding sophistication, he wanted to protect and be protected by his lovely hyung, to write sonnets about his angelic face and keep him in his pocket at the same time. 

But never in a romantic way, Taehyung simply loved that way, intense and all consuming.

No one that was close to him, especially his members, could ever question his love for them and that was an intentional thing, he was an  assertive man, even with his affection.

“And after I kissed him that time he actually punched me in the gut” he ads with a mischievous smile

This playful nature and impulse to constantly stir things up and see how much he can get away with was still there, though subdued by his newfound maturity, he still sometimes did things simply because he can and so, he was used to dealing with the consequences.

“You deserve it, you know hyung doesn’t like to be touched” Jimin scolds, slapping his arm

“He doesn’t seem to mind when its Jungkookie though” Taehyung hums rubbing his chin 

“I’ve noticed that too but I don’t want to get his hopes up” his friend agrees 

“Oh come on Jimin-ah, have a little faith” Taehyung says slapping him in return “maybe hyung feels the same- maybe he just needs a little nudge”

“Tae-”

“I bet I can help” he offers with a bright smile 

“No!”

“I, Kim Taehyung will become take the role of cupid from now on” he announces standing up and doing a superhero pose 

“No- you won’t, just don’t get involved- you’re not supposed to even know what's going on” Jimin huffs but Taehyung knew now and it was impossible to forget.

Throughout his break, in the moments he was bored, he watched some of their content, especially run bts

The show always made him laugh and it was a nice way to look back on fun memories with the members but now with this new knowledge he had, he also realized how blind he had been.

The signs were there all along, even if the episodes were heavily edited and happened to cut off at very specific times, he could still remember what took place during the shoots, all the moments when Seokjin and Jungkook had both acted suspicious or did questionable things. 

The pair was often at the receiving end of concerned glances and longsuffering sighs from the rap line in particular, while Jimin simply laughed it off and tried to insert himself in between, while Taehyung himself was absolutely clueless to all the charged moments going on.

He wanted shake himself through the screen, tell past Taehyung to stop meddling between the two, to stop interrupting the few moments they got together but he truly wasn’t forcing himself to do this, he was notorious for being affectionate with the members and none of his actions were insincere but now, seeing the not so subtle at all glances he got from Jungkook when he got too close to Seokjin or how uncomfortable his hyung looked when Taehyung pushed it a little too far with the PDA.

With all this free time, he began to wonder how his action really impacted the two, if Jungkook was really convinced that there was something between him and Seokjin, that must’ve really hurt. Your best friends going after your crush and not being able to say anything for this long, it must’ve been hell to go through and all Taehyung has done was rub salt on the wound with all the fanservice he does.

Jimin had once told him that even after finding out he was bisexual, he still hoped he would end up falling in love with a woman because being in love with a man would be much too complicated.

Taehyung didn’t understand at the time because to him, being queer was the most natural thing in the world, he had plenty of friends that were gay and most of the artists he admired were as well, so in his naive innocence he had responded “so what if you like a guy? It’s your life, you can do whatever you like”

Like he forgot where they were, like he forgot who they were. 

The people that ship the members and praise them for wearing makeup and women’s clothes would be the first one condemn them if any of them ever were to come out as something other than straight or cisgender.

It really hit him, how hypocritical was the whole thing. 

They were asked to act as gay as possible for the fanservice but couldn’t possibly be gay.

Now he understands why Namjoon and Yoongi were always uncomfortable with fanservice to begin with.

Even if their company isn’t as bad and even if mr. Bang has always tried to inculcate the message of love, acceptance and equality, Big Hit entertainment was still a business and they had to protect their revenue. 

The assumption that they were straight was crucial to keep the fans that had romantic feelings for them, so the company could market them as available and desirable but god forbid they were ever caught dating anyone. 

Every interaction with the opposite gender was analyzed and scrutinized not to mention that it often led to unnecessary hate being directed towards that particular person.

The current state of things was obvious when a dating scandal involving Jungkook broke out.

Their trip had a rocky start, Seokjin had to board a different flight and it took them longer than planned to get to their destination, it was dark by the time they arrived, so they rushed to pick their their beds for the night and then as soon as their phones connected to the hotel's wifi they were flooded with notifications. The staff held an emergency call meeting with the company as the members settled down around the fireplace waiting for dinner.

As Namjoon and Yoongi monitored twitter, Seokjin was completely spaced out while Hoseok and Jimin did their best to reassure and distract Jungkook from the situation, there was nothing they could really do, the company had release an statement and they were taking legal action against those who invaded Jungkook’s privacy but this didn’t stop buzz online. 

And soon news articles were popping up linking him to a female tattoo artist, there were pictures and CCTV footage obtained illegally and people blatantly lying to add fuel to the fire. 

There were people attacking Jungkook for his tattoos, people attacking the tattoo artist and leaving hateful comments on her social media, attacking the company for not doing a better job at protecting their artists, the whole situation was a mess, a misunderstanding blown out of proportion by malicious people seeking to hurt the group.

While all of this was happening Jungkook simply sat there in stunned silence.

No one asked him any questions, if he wanted to share, eventually he would and he really didn’t owe them any explanations.

Eventually the staff announced that the situation had been taken care of and the company had decided to resume filming but that for now it would be best to keep Jungkook’s tattoos covered for the remainder of the shoot.

The next day Taehyung woke up to commotion outside his window and the bright sun shining on his face, in his half asleep state he hurries down from the bunk bed, stepping on Jimin’s hand when he misses a stop, he mumbles an apology to his friend as he throws on his padding jacket and heads outside. 

The staff is milling around on the deck, most of them staring at the mountain as a figure descends from them, the black dot in the distance turns out to be Jungkook.

The maknae had woken up at the crack of dawn and left without telling anyone, a camera man had chased after him but it would be difficult to catch up, Jungkook had covered a long distance, making it almost to the top.

While out on group activities they’re never allowed to go anywhere without a member of the staff or a bodyguard accompanying them, it was too much of a risk.

Right now they’re in the middle of nowhere and Jungkook wasn’t even wearing hiking shoes, the youngest had always been the daredevil of the group, fearless when it came to adventures but even he knew better than to leave without telling anyone.

When he came back, Taehyung resisted the urge to scold him despite how worried he’d made everyone, he’ll leave the scolding to the hyungs for now, when Jungkook comes back, he simply asks if he’s okay.

Jungkook says he’s fine, he acts like he’s fine.

He probably just needed to clear his mind, Jungkook gets restless very easily, especially when he’s stressed. Maybe he needed a long hike in the freezing cold to calm down after last night.

When Jungkook is safe and sound inside, Taehyung goes to sit in the morning sun. 

He sits with the dogs as he spaces out.

Truth is, Taehyung didn’t sleep well last night. He went to sleep late last night and woke up twice in the middle of the night.

After scrolling mindlessly for what felt like hours on his phone, with the cover over his head he decided to go to sleep, he was starting to doze off when he heard creaking coming from below, peeking from from under his blanket he saw Seokjin getting up from his bed with his phone on his hand lighting up his way.

The elder slowly opened the door and on the other side a figure waited for him. 

Jungkook stood in the barely light hallway, pulling Seokjin along with him and before he could even close the door.

Taehyung was left blinking inside the partially illuminated room, listening as the quiet footsteps of his friends got further away.

As curious and concerned as he was, he was also exhausted from the trip so he nodded off in no time only to waken up less than an hour later, the door clicking shut had startled him awake but his curiosity made it impossible for him to go back to sleep.

“Hyung?” he asks hesitantly in the dark

“Go back to sleep Taehyung-ah” Seokjin finally answered

“Are you okay?” the younger asks even when he knows he won’t be getting an honest answer 

“Yeah, hyung’s just a little cold” the older singer mumbles in response.

An irony for a child born in winter but Seokjin hated the cold, he always had.

Taehyung spent a lot of time around the elder the next day, driving in the same car and going shopping with him and Yoongi and he doesn’t think the cold is what was really bothering him but Seokjin has always been the best at hiding his feelings to the point that until recently, Taehyung actually thought that Seokjin was this happy go lucky hyung all the time never really seeing a different side of him.

That night, Taehyung wakes up again, this time to go to the bathroom, he’s as quiet as he can be when as he walks out down the dark hallway, once he’s inside the bathroom with the lights turned on he blinks a couple of times, mind clearing enough to the muffled voices through the thin walls.

It wasn’t his intention to eavesdrop, it really wasn’t but in the deafening silence of the night their voices are loud in contrast.

“Hyung’s really sorry Jungkook-ah” whispers Seokjin “can you forgive me?”

“I already did hyungie” the younger’s softer voice responds “I’m sorry too and she’s just a friend hyung…I don’t want you to get the wrong idea- I’m not dating her or anybody else”

“Maybe you should, it could be good for you” Seokjin responds in a raspy voice 

“How can it be any good if it’s not you?” 

“Jungkookie-” 

“I’ve tried before, I really did try but I’m not interested in anybody else but you” Jungkook insists 

“Jungkookie- you know we can’t- we shouldn’t-” Seokjin stutters in response 

“I know hyung, I know” Jungkook sighs, then a pause “God, I know- I’m not that unreasonable kid anymore, I understand and I know why we can’t but don’t you think it would be nice?”

“Hm it would just make sense” is all Seokjin says after a while “maybe in another life- in a different world”

“I’ve thought about it a lot, you know?” Jungkook responds “But even if we can’t be more than that- you’re my best friend for the rest of my life and that will have to be enough”

In the deathly quiet of the night Taehyung stares at his reflection, tears falling from his eyes at hearing the professions of such selfless love, words so tender and loving weren’t meant to be heard anyone other than them because this world is so cruel and ruthless, it tears destined lovers apart simply because of who they are and in the moment of silence they share, his heart breaks for them. 

“But I want you to know how much I love you-” Jungkook’s low voice can still be heard, bravely marching ahead “how I love you and even if you never reciprocate my feelings, I would still love you”

“Jungkook-ah, you’re breaking hyung’s heart” his voice filled with unrestrained emotion 

“And you’re breaking mine” the younger replies with a bitter laugh “And still, I love you”

“I love you too” 

The next day, something shifts.

The air feels cleaner somehow, the sun shines brighter and Seokjin and Jungkook go back to being inseparable.

Taehyung isn’t sure exactly what happened last night, if something actually did change between those two but something inside him did.

Inside his heart the determination to protect whatever it is between them, to guard their secret and shield them from all the bad in the world, a love so pure is to be kept from those who might tarnish it with their poisonous hearts.

From this day on, Taehyung swears to protect Seokjin and Jungkook.

Chapter Text

The Merriam Webster dictionary defines burn out as “ exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration”.

Kim Namjoon has been well aware of the definition but it wasn’t until recently that he began to experience it first hand, when 2020 had decided to all but clip his wings and lock him up in a golden cage.

Perhaps it was the high expectations that made the disappointment even more heart wrenching. 

This year was supposed to be monumental, their 7th year together was supposed to mark the beginning of a new era for Bangtan.

It had been meticulously planned, from January 1st to the end of the year their schedules were packed, following the announcement of their tour in June, they released their new album, a work of art carefully crafted to gently introduce the fans to this new era and at the same time closing this chapter on high notes.

The tour would be bigger and better than anything they’ve done before, they felt stronger than ever and determined to give it their all during the shows.

And while the setlist included mostly group performances it also emphasized the solo performances of each of the members as well as the subunits with only 2 or 3 of the members, this was done so performing would be more manageable so some of the members could rest while the others performed and give each member a chance to shine and express their own vision on their solo stage.

This time, the solos weren’t part of a cohesive narrative of an album but rather songs telling their own stories, feelings and experiences during their 7 years as Bangtan. 

During the interviews, Namjoon never failed to emphasize how major this was, how it was a compilation of their years together and their history, the importance and meaning behind the number 7 because he didn’t want to catch them off guard or shock people but it felt like he was constantly screaming into the void with people only hearing what they want to hear.

He tried to communicate as much as he could without telling too much, because if the fans knew that this would be their last tour together for a while things could get out of hand.

Despite the usual pressure of being the leader, preparing for this tour, he felt light, he felt relieved and like he had something to look forward to. 

But man plans and God laughs.

Namjoon is not a man of faith but he did a lot of hoping and praying when their tour was postponed, with hope that the situations would get better and that things would go according to plan but one day, the world simply stopped.

And that’s when he realized that no matter who you are, what you do or what you achieve, at the end of the day they’re all human at the mercy of their existence, the universe didn’t care about his plans.

They realized that they wouldn’t be able to outrun the storm, the tour was canceled and their plans were left in the dust.

It was hard not to feel outraged and demand an apology from someone but as time went on he almost felt ashamed to even consider himself a victim under these circumstances.

There were people out there with bigger problems, people losing their lives, their jobs, their families, what right do they have to complain? 

The guilt made it easier to pretend.

Pretend like they weren’t heartbroken, frustrated and terrified about their uncertain future.

When confronted with uncertainty and stagnation he realized that at age 26 he was practically unfamiliar with the concept of Kim Namjoon, he had been living, breathing and existing exclusively as RM of BTS for much too long.

And even when he tried to make the best out of the situation and use it to work on his own album, he still got nothing.

It was a hard thing to admit, to the world, the members, even to himself when had just stood before the UN assembly to preach a message of self love and acceptance. 

How could he love Kim Namjoon if he didn’t know a thing about him?

He spent a lot of time isolated, locked up in the studio hoping to strike gold, hoping that he would be able to do what he’s been doing for years, to swallow his own turbulent feelings and be a beacon for his team, for the company and the fans but it was like walking ahead in the dark.

They were all antsy and restless, so he began to look for alternatives for them, to make the most of it, to cheer the fans up through difficult times, so they decided to try something new.

Much like some people shaved their heads, got bangs or bleached their hair, they too decided to try something new to break the monotony.

Releasing a single in english for the first time, radio friendly commercial disco pop song that was guaranteed to be a huge hit, they just didn’t imagine it would be this big.

And of course, once you find a formula that works, you stick to it.

And while they were working on an album at the time, everyone’s eyes and ears were zeroed still on dynamite and their record breaking trajectory and history making potential, the song had  far surpassed anything they had done before in popularity, they were caught in a whirlwind and Namjoon wanted to get off.

He didn’t mind performing happy and more commercial songs, he thought it was okay from time to time but lately, they couldn’t escape the catchy tune, they performed endlessly and released remix after remix, they applied every strategy out there to stay on the charts and it felt like overnight, they were known better as the group that sang dynamite instead of being known for their dearly a decade long career.

And as much as he didn’t want to admit, it truly did bruise his ego.

He had considered himself an accomplished producer and songwriter but now, their biggest song, the one that is reaching more people than any before is one, he had nothing to with when it came to writing or producing.

Beyond his bruised ego, this led him to wonder if he had ever been any good to begin with.

If they had been going in the wrong direction during his leadership all these years, he basically said ‘jesus take the wheel’ and allowed the company to pick out a song and fabricate a comeback specifically for it to be a commercial success they were doing better than ever.

He wondered what was the point of spending hours upon hours pouring his soul into a rap verse if people liked it better when he mindlessly sang ‘this beat cha-ching like money’. 

Was real music and artistry really that doomed? Would they have to go down this road for the rest of their lives? 

The pressure to have another dynamite was palpable.

During that time, he tried to ignore it all. To show up, perform and go back to his studio where he would try to write “real music” but would end up feeling like a hypocrite because he was an idol in the first place, who did think he was? Pretending to be this serious musician, an artist.

Even when he tried to write for himself, for the sake of expressing himself, he was stuck.

He really didn’t know who Kim Namjoon was or what he had to say.

He was like an old friend that you lose contact with for years.

His mind was constantly tormenting him and his creativity was agonizing, not having his usual escapes, there wasn’t much he could do.

He couldn’t take a trip abroad and blend into the crowds, he couldn’t visit museums or art galleries, he couldn’t even see his friends, or any one besides the members or the staff.

Oftentimes Namjoon looked around and wondered how he ended up here.

How he ended up living with 6 other guys in an apartment? How was it possible for quarantine to go on for so long?

Since they were all constantly exposed to other people, they decided it was best to stay away from their families and limit their contact to others outside. They got tested every week and took every precaution, at all times they either were cooped up in the dorm or trying to find something to do at the company. 

It didn’t take long for frictions to rise

It was then that he realized just how different they were, they were seven different people with different lifestyles, personalities and habits. 

Half of them were early risers, like Seokjin, Yoongi and Hoseok who raised with the sun and stuck to their daily routines, the rest of them were night owls, total wildcards who thrived off of chaos. They could never agree on what or when to eat so it was every man for himself, the dorm looking more like a barren frat house than it had ever before, with the fridge stuffed with takeout containers and moldy leftover food and dirty dishes piling up.

Admittedly Namjoon had greatly contributed to the mess, feeling no motivation to do the most basic things, he felt like he was stuck in a loop. Everyday he would wake up, stay in bed scrolling on his phone for another hour, hope that one of the hyungs had ordered him food or to find something edible in their fridge, after that he would go back to his room and read until his eyes got tired, then he would try to work on some music and stayed up until wee hours in the morning only to repeat everything the next day.

One day Namjoon woke at 1 pm only to bump into Jungkook who was heading to his room to get his eight hours of sleep after he spent all night boxing, down the hall he heard Hoseok cursing Jimin out for not making his bed, Seokjin was in the living room playing in his phone, eyes glassy as he stared at the screen, Taehyung eating raw onions and ssamjang while sitting on the kitchen floor and Yoongi nowhere to be found, most likely in his studio hiding from all of this.

That’s when Namjoon decided it was enough, they were grown men, they can’t keep living like this, they were able to make it work for so long, adding a global pandemic really had made things go to shit but they could work things out, he thought, they could turn things around and make cohabitation work until one night, one cursed night.

Now, walking in on something he shouldn’t have isn’t unusual by now but waking into two members in a compromising position was something Namjoon never wished to see with his own two eyes.

He was on his way to the kitchen to make himself some coffee finally feeling inspired to work after know knows how long, when he heard some rustling and whispering coming from the living room, usually he would’ve paid no mind to them, since obviously he shared the space with so many people but the living room was bathed in complete darkness and it wasn’t like they could have people over at the moment.

He stood in the hallway for a moment listening intently trying to figure out who it was, which was easy when he heard giggles. unmistakably belonging to Jungkook.

He flipped on the lights to find Seokjin sprawled on the couch, Jungkook sitting on his lap, leaning forward connecting their lips in a deep kiss as one of his hands bunching up the front of Seokjin’s shirt.

When the lights flicked on Jungkook didn’t jumped off immediately, instead he froze in place, eyes bugging as they made contact with Namjoon’s

“Fuck- Jungkook-ah, get off me” Seokjin is the first one to speak, the elder sits up and tries to pry Jungkook off him “baby- you have to move” he whispers, gently cupping his face

Jungkook stares at Seokjin for a second before turning to Namjoon with pleading eyes “it’s my fault hyung” he whispers, limp as Seokjin finally manages to move him and get off the couch 

“No- Namjoon-ah, we can explain” Seokjin says walking towards him 

“I-” Namjoon says, shaking himself, his mind racing with jumbled thoughts, feeling like the rug has been pulled off from under him “I don’t- what’s going on?”

“It was my fault- hyung said we shouldn’t but I didn’t listen, please don’t be mad at him” Jungkook’s pleading continues from the couch 

“Jungkook-ah, no” Seokjin cuts him off “Namjoon, I’m the elder and I will take responsibility- for this” his hyung replies gesturing between him and Jungkook 

“What exactly is ‘this’?” he asks, looking back and forth between the two.

To him and well, everyone else in the world, it was obvious that Seokjin and Jungkook were close.

They had been attached to each other from the very beginning and Namjoon had seen how their relationship had shifted from Seokjin taking care of Jungkook to the maknae taking care of their hyung.

And while all of them were close, within their team, there were bonds that were undeniably strong but unlike, say, Hoseok and Jimin, Jin and Jungkook weren’t just a hyung and his dongsaeng, theirs was a partnership, they were equals in every way.

Sometimes Jungkook would talk to Seokjin in ways that would certainly earn any other member the scolding of a lifetime, Seokjin didn’t baby Jungkook either, like Hoseok or Jimin tended to, he pushed and challenged Jungkook constantly and they both knew just how far they were allowed to push.

Play fighting and bickering like they do is not something you do with just anyone. 

You might hit too hard, push it too far or do it at the wrong time but those two always got along well.

Namjoon had always been envious of how free they were when they were together, how confident they were of their bond and how deep their trust went.

To the point where Seokjin knew he could throw himself back at any moment and Jungkook would be there to catch him and when Jungkook knew he could tease, chide and scold Seokjin and the elder would stay by his side no matter what.

So perhaps it was naive of Namjoon to label that relationship as platonic and think no more of it, even with his oldest and closest friends, who had never had something like what Jungkook and Seokjin had.

And maybe Namjoon should’ve paid more attention to Jungkook’s not so subtle touches at Seokjin’s fond stares but when his mind was occupied with so many other things it was hard to miss details like that.

He wondered if it was only him, if someone as observant and sharp as Yoongi would have missed it too.

“We’re not together” Seokjin says before the younger one has a chance to open his mouth.

Do you want to be? Namjoon wanted to ask but his mind has turned into mush, he’s sleep deprived, stressed and confused. It's not the best moment to have this conversation “Oh… okay- I have to go” he says instead, gesturing towards the door.

He doesn’t get to see Seokjin and Jungkook glancing concerned at one another, he simply bolts out of there in his pajamas and goes  to the company in the middle of the night, peddling his bike as fast as he could. 

He couldn’t manage to feel bad for barging into his hyung’s studio where he’s dozing off on the couch.

“Yah! Kim Namjoon, what the hell are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you hyung” Namjoon says after inserting the code Yoongi had given him for emergencies and locking the door behind him.

“About what?” the man groans as he sits up on the couch, grumpy and disheveled with no intention of hiding it

Namjoon starts to pace around the room as he explains what had happened to his hyung, when he finished he glanced at him and found him staring into the abyss “hyung?” Namjoon asks

“oh… that” Yoongi then sighs and shakes his head as he leans back on the couch 

“How long have you known?” the younger frowns crossing his arms

“Before they did” his hyung shrugs “They’re either pretty dumb or stubborn but I think all of us knew before they did” Namjoon stares at his hyung, mind going through all the times where Yoongi would insert himself between his two friends when they were too caught up in their little bubble in front of the camera.

Of the times when Hoseok would run towards them when he found out they were alone or the times Jimin giggled inexplicably while looking at them, or when Taehyung would push them together or got a little too close to get a reaction out of them.

They all knew.

The whole team knew and their great leader was lost in the woods this whole time.

“You didn’t know?” Yoongi asks, already knowing the answer to his own question “I think everyone figured it out on their own”

“Am I the only one that didn’t know?” Namjoon asks just to be sure 

“basically”

“Shit- I’m such a horrible leader” the younger scoffs flopping down on the couch 

“You’re a great leader and you had more important things to focus on than those two” Yoongi tells him, voice quiet and looking elsewhere as he speaks “They’re fine- whatever is is they have is strong”

“I asked them and they said they’re not dating” the younger explains “But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to”

“They’re not stupid though, they know the risks and the consequences it could have” Yoongi hums

Namjoon has to pause, was that why they were so frazzled when he found them? Were they concerned that Namjoon would oppose them? That he would use his authority to keep them apart?

Had Namjoon done such a terrible job at showing them his support that they would think so lowly of him?

He should’ve been more attentive, more present and more in tune with the member’s emotions.

“Namjoon-ah, I know what you’re thinking and this is not your fault” Yoongi sighs standing up from the couch and grabbing a bottle of water “It’s just how it is, even if they weren’t idols things would be difficult for them”

Namjoon thought about what Yoongi said, he knew the elder talked from experience. Yoongi had never kept his preferences or more specifically his lack of them a secret, he was pansexual and never tried to hide it but most people out there did everything in their power to silence him, to erase his statements to twist his words and their meaning into something more heteronormative. 

It must suck. 

“I’m sorry hyung” Namjoon says suddenly feeling guilty for the state of the world

“Aish mah! You don’t have to apologize, It’s not like homophobia is your fault” Yoongi scoffs taking a sip of water 

“But still, maybe I hasn’t been supportive enough-”

“We could sit here for hours and discuss the requirements for being a good ally” his hyung says cutting him off  “but the important thing is that care about them- but the best thing you could do would be voicing your support for them, something that I even I haven’t been good at doing” he admits with a sigh “I- I didn’t have the best reaction when I found out about their feelings for eachother, I’m probably the reason why they kept it a secret, why they were so scared,  it was years ago- when were just starting to get noticed and with just one mistake everything could have been taken away, I just wanted to protect them from themselves”  

“Things are different now” Namjoon says frowning, eyes focused on the rub beneath his bare feet “we have a lot of people on our side, we have the means to protect them”

“I didn’t know how to bring up the subject but I’ve always wanted to tell them I was wrong and that they have all my support” Yoongi says flopping down on his chair clicking away on his computer to appear busy.

The leader silently nods, he stays in the room for a few minutes longer, his mind echoing Yoongi's words over and over again.

The next morning Namjoon, still hasn’t slept or changed or gone back home but he grabbed two iced americanos and sent a text to Hoseok, within minutes his friend was walking into his studio with a beaming smile. 

“So, last night” Namjoon begins as Hoseok happily sips his drink “I walked in on Jin hyung and Jungkook kissing in the living room”

Before he can even finish his sentence, Hoseok is coughing up a lung, hitting his own chest and spilling some coffee on himself. 

Namjoon grimaces looking at the coffee stain on his most likely overpriced shirt, handing his friend a tissue from the box on his desk “Oh… shit” Hoseok coughs out “Are they in trouble? Were there cameras or something? Did someone else see them?”

“No, of course not” Namjoon frowns “I just- got surprised and got out of there”

“You just left?” Hoseok asks, raising his voice “what the hell Namjoon-ah?”

“I didn’t know what to say” his friend argued “I was shocked- I was concerned? What if it had been anybody else? What if we had been filming something or-”

“Tell me about it” Hoseok scoffs, dabbing the stain on his shirt with the tissue “I’m always on my toes when there's other people or cameras around, It’s nearly impossible to keep them apart and when they’re together they do the silliest things, it’s annoying but also really sweet- they make each other the happiest”

“They do” Namjoon hums as Hoseok smiles fondly “I still can’t help but to worry though”

“About what?”

“The age difference? It’s dumb, I know-” the leader sighs “It’s only five years, they met when they were both still in their teens”

“No, I get it” Hoseok says with a wave of his hand “I was worried too because I’ve always seen Jungkookie as my baby but- he can’t be contained, we always knew that” he chuckles shaking his head “He’s going to do whatever he wants, you know he never listens to any of us and clearly his heart is set on Seokjin hyung” he pauses for a couple of seconds, picking up his coffee cup “Besides, Seokjin hyung was very sheltered- innocent almost and Jungkookie had to grow up faster than most, we always say they’re about the same mental age and there's truth behind that”

“Huh, I never thought of it that way” Namjoon blinks a couple of times

He has said multiple times before that Hoseok serves as a honorary leader of the team, capable to not just lead them not in dance but also keenly aware and in tune with the members feelings and emotions, incredible at empathizing with any of them and being there to listen and pick up on what they don’t say.

Hoseok is the one that really manages that side of things, he truly takes care of them.

“Well, I had a lot of time to think about it while trying to make sure they don’t expose themselves to the world” his friend chuckles shaking his head 

“Would you be willing to keep doing it?” Namjoon asks and without a pause Hoseok answers 

“For them, I would to anything”

After that Namjoon went to the practice room where he found Jimin and Taehyung sitting together on the floor looking at something on a phone, mr. Song packing up his things into his bag waved at him

“Don’t be late for practice tomorrow Namjoon-ah!” their dance teacher said 

“yes, ssem” the leader sighed bowing to his teacher as he was leaving the room 

“Hey hyung!” Taehyung was the first to greet him

“Hyungnim, what are you doing here?” Jimin smiles as Namjoon sits on the ground next to them 

“I was- I just, I need to talk to you two” he sighs looking around the spacious room, clearly they were alone but he couldn’t help but to be paranoid “I wanted to ask how would you feel if two members of the team were dating”

“You mean Jin hyung and Kook-ah?” Jimin asks arching an eyebrow at him 

“No! I mean- they’re not- aish” he sputters to respond before sighing again “yeah”

“Are they finally dating now?” Taehyung asks with a giddy smile “like officially?”

“I think they want to and I want to let them know that we would support them” he tells them with a shrug

“That’s sweet hyung but wouldn’t that be a little out of the blue? Maybe they should figure it out by themselves-” Jimin’s sweet little voice says only to be cut off by Taehyung low one

“It’s been years and they still haven’t, I say it’s time we intervene”

“Well, it’s not out of the blue- I just walked in on them kissing in our living room” Namjoon wants to laugh at the sheer surprise and excitement on their faces 

“Really?” Jimin beams “I’m going to kill JK for not telling me!”

“Woah!  I don’t get it, are they finally together or not?”

“No” Namjoon tells him 

“Oh… but then why were they-”

“I don’t know but I was planning on talking to them later today” he tells the younger with a shrug, before his face turns serious as he glances back at them “I didn’t want to speak for the whole group without checking with everyone first- If they were together and the news ever leaked out- all of our careers would be affected- I want them to be happy but we have to think of the whole group and I don’t know what we would do”

“I think you do know hyung” Jimin says resting his hand on Namjoon’s knee

“we would support them no matter what- defend them with our dying breath?”

“You got your answer hyung” Taehyung grins

“Our leader always reflects our thoughts of the team” Jimin hums with a nod. 

The faith the maknae line has in him always manages to bring him close to tears, still it gives him the certainty that he was going the right way, that he was doing the right thing.

Later, after lunch, Namjoon returns home.

He takes a shower and mentally prepares himself for the slightly awkward conversation that lies ahead, he then goes to Seokjin’s room, choosing to speak to the elder out of respect for his seniority but he knocks loudly and waits for a response to avoid an awkward situation like the night before.

“Jin hyung, are you there?” he calls after getting to answer for a moment or two, he hears shuffling on the other side of the door, it swings open and instead of his hyung he’s greeted by Jungkook.

“Jungkook-ah, what happened? Come here” he says, opening his arms instinctively because Jungkook is wrapped in Seokjin’s blanket with tear tracks all over his face, eyes and nose red as he sniffles, throwing himself into Namjoon’s arms 

“Hyung left- he went to his parents house” the boy cried, Namjoon barely managed to understand as he speaks through ragged breaths “He said last night was a mistake and he- I thought he- I thought he loved me” the boy whines “I thought he felt the same”

“Oh Jungkookie, I’m sorry” the leader says rubbing his back “Hush, breathe kook-ah”

“Hyung- he was talking about leaving the group”

“What?” Namjoon urges after Jungkook’s cries get louder but doesn’t explain “What did he say?”

“You have to stop him- he can’t- he can’t leave us” 

“I’ll talk to him- we’ll work this out” Namjoon tells him pulling his phone out of his pocket  “Do you want me to call Hoseok or Jimin to keep you company?”

“Both- anyone, I don’t want to be alone” Jungkook says rubbing his eyes “hyung this is my fault- I pushed too much”

“I’ll talk to him- we’ll figure things out” Namjoon reassured him, staying with him until Hoseok came back home. 

He then ordered a cab to the Kim residence, which happened to be in the same building as his parents' home; he had been here multiple times. 

Their families were close and Seokjin’s mom would often host dinner for them for special events. 

“Good afternoon eomonim” he greets the woman with a bow when she opens the door, she’s dressed in modest pastel pink dress with an apron on top, her smile identical to Seokjin when she sees Namjoon 

“Namjoon-ah come in, it’s good to see you” the woman greets, gesturing for him to step in “Jinnie didn’t tell me you were coming over”

“Sorry to drop in unannounced but I really need to speak to Seokjin hyung” he tells her, taking off his shoes by the door 

“Of course” she beams, head turning to look down the hallways towards the kitchen “Seokjin is in his room- you can go ahead dear, I’m sorry but I left the stove on”

“Thank you ma'am” he bows as she rushes away, leaving him alone in the foyer.

Namjoon walks to the other side towards the rooms, standing outside his hyung’s room and sighing before he knocks. 

“Come in” Seokjin replies distractedly, he’s sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and knees pulled up to his chest “Namjoon-ah” he says, eyes widening in surprise when he looks up at him 

“Are you serious right now hyung?” Namjoon offers instead of a greeting before lowering his voice “What’s this about leaving the group?”

“If that’s what it takes-” Seokjin says, his face expression unreadable “you’ll be better off without me- you guys don’t need me anyways but the team needs Jungkook-”

Hearing that, Namjoon is fuming, how can Seokjin speak so casually about leaving the group? About giving up on them after all these years? After they had barely managed to salvage their relationships just a couple of years ago “Bullshit” he says as he closes the door behind himself “I’m sorry hyung but I will not let you speak like that about yourself, we need you, just like we need anyone else- It wouldn’t be Bangtan without all 7 of us and that's it” he says as fiercely as he can “You’re not leaving the group unless you have an actual good reason and you’re coming back and apologizing to Jungkook-”

“I can’t- I had to put an end to it, Jungkook-” his hyung says, eyes glossed over as he stares into the distance “I know he doesn’t understand right now but it’s what's best for him”

“He’s not a child-” Namjoon cuts him off 

“I never saw him as one” Seokjin snaps at him “Even when we first met- I’ve always seen him as my equal- as my partner”

“Then why are you trying to make decisions for him?” the younger scoffs 

“I would never try to patronize him” Seokjin murmurs “I just-”

“Hyung- you both feel the same way but you think you can tell him no- like he’s just a kid asking for a new toy, you say you’re trying to protect him but I think you’re just trying to protect yourself” Namjoon glares, gesturing around the room “I think you’re scared, that’s why you’re running away and hiding here” he says turning around and not leaving room for his hyung to respond “Come back home when you’re ready to talk, we’ll be waiting”

Seokjin didn’t come home immediately.

A couple of days went by and Namjoon was doing his best to not show his growing concern, he and the other members tried to convince Jungkook that it wouldn’t be long, that everything would be okay but the maknae was still a wreck.

He cried constantly and locked himself for hours inside Seokjin’s room, refusing food and sleeping excessively, Namjoon felt like an utter and complete failure. This kid that had gambled his entire life on him when he was just a teenager with dreams was counting on him and he wasn’t able to deliver.

Namjoon was scared because Jungkook truly believed him, he believed in everything their leader ever said, it's a lot of pressure and expectation to put on someone only 3 years older than you.

Underneath the respectable leader, there was another confused and scared twenty something year old, navigating through life and fame, sailing in a sea of uncertainty while trying to keep this enormous ship from sinking.

But that's what being an adult is like, life just hands you the control without  asking if you know how to use them. 

Namjoon had never been in a situation like this before, he had never been in Seokjin or Jungkook’s place, he had no idea how to deal with this and was purely relying on instinct and good intentions.

He had told the company that Seokjin and Jungkook were sick, that the rest of the team wasn’t feeling well because of something they ate, saying they had stomach problems was easier than having to explain the situation to the managers and gladly it was enough to grant them a couple of days off. 

But how much longer could he sustain the lie? Would Seokjin ever come back?

And there was still the possibility that the elder came back and they still won’t be able to fix things up looming over his head.

And even if they had gotten to the brink of disbandment before, a couple of times actually, this time, unlike before they truly would have the eyes of the world on them.

They had never been as popular as they are now, announcing their disbandment with their song still on the charts was terrifying to think about but the thought kept nagging at Namjoon’s head.

It felt like his life was dealing with one crisis after another and after years of doing it, he felt drained, exhausted and old.

But was it the job or was he destined to live like this no matter what path he chose?

He had always been harsh and demanding with himself, convinced that he could handle everything and anything, whether it was work, school or relationships, Kim Namjoon always wanted to excel.

As a kid he was convinced that he would become a businessman, later he wanted to be a writer and poet and somehow that shifted into rapping and producing but the one thing in common those dreams had is that he would be the very best because he would take control and make it happen. 

But in some situations, like the pandemic, his current burnout and in solving this conflict, there wasn’t much he could do to fix it, it was simply a waiting game.

An agonizing wait. 

Finally on the third day, when Namjoon was seriously considering going back to Kim's house to personally drag Seokjin back home, their hyung walked through the front door and paused when he came across their leader in the living room. 

“Hey” Namjoon greeted setting the book he had been trying to read down “have a seat, I’ll gather the guys”

Seokjin opened his mouth to speak but then looked down and nodded slightly, taking a seat on the chair by the window while Namjoon went looking for the members. This is what they did, for every conflict whether big or small, they always gathered and talked, it was the best way to work things out, they had learned.

Because while this may seem like a Seokjin and Jungkook argument, it is related to the rest of them too.

They would get their chance to talk in private but there were things that needed to be said and things they needed to hear too.

Once they all sat in their living room, with Jungkook on the other side of the room, putting as much space as possible between him and Seokjin, Namjoon started talking.

“First of all, I want to apologize to you two for- well, walking in like that” he says awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck “and for my reaction at the time- I could’ve handled it a lot better, you two weren’t doing anything wrong and you didn’t need to apologize at all”

“But we kept it from you guys” Seokjin mumbles from his chair “And we're a team-”

“Hyung, regardless of whether we’re a team or the best of friends or even family” Yoongi speaks up “you’re still entitled to your privacy and to have your own life”

“We would never resent you for that” Hoseok ads, the others nodding along in support 

“But if you’re hiding because you think we wouldn’t approve- we can’t let you think that” Namjoon tells looking at Seokjin specifically “we would ever judge or reject you for who you are”

“But the rest of the world would, we’re idols-” Seokjin says crossing his legs 

“you’re also two people that are clearly in love with each other” Yoongi cuts off, ignoring Seokjin and Jungkook panicked gaze “I for one, can’t live with myself being the reason you two aren’t together together”

“Point being” Namjoon steps in to say “if you guys wanted to be together- you have our support and we would be very happy for you guys”

“But the company-” 

“They don’t need to know if you’re not ready to tell people yet” Hoseok says at it takes all of them by surprise because Jung Hoseok never lies, he’s honest and pure but he would be willing to lie and keep secrets to protect them, he continues with a shrug “This is a personal matter and as long as it doesn’t interfere with work, it’s no one's business but your own”

“And as I said, we would support you and if you ever decide you want to tell the public-” Namjoon chimes in and Jungkook, who’s been quiet this entire time sighs shaking his head with his arms crossed over his chest 

“Hyungs, that’s- that’s sweet nice of you but Seokjin hyung doesn’t- he doesn’t want to-”

“Jungkook-ah” Seokjin begins, sending him a pleading look “I told you, I want what's best for you, I want you to be happy-”

Jungkook’s frown gets deeper and his bottom lip sticks out in a stubborn pout “You make me happy hyung and you’re what’s best for me”

“Jungkook-ah”

“I’m an adult, I know myself, I know you” the maknae continues, talking over Seokjin “And don’t you dare insinuate I’m still immature because I’ve been forced to grow up faster than any one for you-” Jungkook snaps gesturing around the room “I’ve been working since I was 15, that’s almost ten years and I’ve been nothing but professional and responsible!” Jungkook never yells like this, he never gets angry like this without bursting into tears but continues without a tear in sight “Most people- that start out this young end up being drug addicts or dead before 30 but all I want- all I’ve ever wanted was to be with you- with the love of my life!”

“Jungkookie”

 “But I won’t beg you anymore- I won’t” Jungkook stands up from his seat and so does Seokjin, ready to follow after him “I get it, you just don’t want me-”

“Baby-” Seokjin pleads, Jungkook freezing at the nickname and the soft tone their hyung uses “I don’t- can we talk? Please just let me explain…” Seokjin looks flustered and embarrassed as he pauses and looks around the room, Jungkook glares at him turning to leave and Seokjin sighs defeated before he says “fine- I’ll say it here in front of everyone but please believe me Jungkook-ah- I love you and I want to be with you-”

“Then why did you say it was a mistake- why did you leave?” Jungkook asks eyeing Seokjin with suspicious, arms still crossed 

“Because it was” the elder says cringing at how bad it sounds “we shouldn’t be sneaking around and keeping it a secret from our friends, we- I should’ve taken you out on a date, asked to be my boyfriend first-” 

“So romantic” Taehyung whispers from his seat, immediately hushed by everyone else

“Maybe it’s too old fashioned to you but I was mad at myself and ashamed that I did everything wrong and ended up hurting you and putting you at risk” Seokjin speaks as his eyes fill with tears, for once the roles have been reversed “I want you to have it all Jungkook-ah and if I had to quit the group in order for us to be together and for you to have your career then I would-”

“Hyungie…” Jungkook breathes out a smile beginning to form on his face “you don’t have to do that but I would love it if you asked”

“Anything for you Jungkook-ah” Seokjin chuckles wiping his tear, meanwhile Jungkook walks up to him and pulls him into a hug 

“I always knew Jungkookie was your favorite-” Jimin whispers a little too loud as he watches them with a smile

“Jimin-ah” Hoseok scolds him for ruining the moment 

“I guess you’re right, he’s my favorite person in the whole world” Seokjin says pulling away to cup Jungkook’s face with his hands 

“And you’re mine” the younger grins back 

“Aw” Jimin and Taehyung coo at them, meanwhile Yoongi is scrunching his face to hide the little smile he sports, Hoseok is grinning brightly and Namjoon is simply relieved 

“Okay! I think we should give them some space and time to talk” the leader tells the rest of the team as Jungkook and Seokjin have a quiet conversation 

“I don’t think they’re going to talk- they’re just going to kiss” Jimin says with a smirk

“Then we should go before they start” Hoseok says cracking up 

“Oh I don’t need to see that again” Namjoon says letting out a loud snort as he grabs Jimin by the arm

“I want to see- it would be so cute if they do” the younger pleads with him 

“aish who knew hyung was such a romantic? This is like watching a drama in real life” Taehyung beams dreamily 

“Okay guys, even you have to know how weird that sounds- move it!” Yoongi grimaces, shoving Taehyung 

“Good luck you guys, I’m rooting for you” Hoseok waves at them as he leaves the room 

“Hyung, can I be the best man at your wedding?” Taehyung calls over his shoulder as he’s escorted out by Yoongi

“Me too!” Jimin pipes in

“Aish, just leave!” Jungkook and Seokjin say at the same time, before turning back to each other with a smile. 

Not much changed after that. 

The next day Jungkook had smiled brightly that he and Seokjin were officially together during lunch. The two glued to each other as they ate from their takeout containers, the elder giving Jungkook a tiny smile and red flushed ears as he broke the news.

“Of course he had to beg” the younger explains as Seokjin offers him a spoonful of his food “He made me wait for way too long” he says in between bites, the elder slaps his thigh 

“Tell the story right or don’t tell it at all” Seokjin scolds but Jungkook simply laughs “the point is we’re together now, that's it”

“Finally!” Jimin rolls his eyes eyes 

“I’m so happy for you guys” Hoseok says with a grin “At least something good came out of the pandemic” 

“We literally had the biggest song of our career-” Namjoon reminds him with a laugh 

“Yeah but this is better” Yoongi shrugs without  looking up from his food 

“Yeah, I think you’re right” Namjoon nods after a pause 

“So, about the wedding-” 

“Just eat your food Taehyung-ah!” Seokjin yells, making everyone laugh 

“But he already picked up a suit” Jimin protests defending his friend 

“You know that it’s really easy to get married in Las Vegas?” Yoongi says dropping one of his famous fact bombs 

“Maybe on our next tour-” Hoseok wiggles his eyebrows at the couple

“No! I’m not getting married in a drive thru” Jungkook pouts turning up his nose

“We could make it classy!” Taehyung insists as the conversation dissolves into chaos and everyone begins talking over each other Seokjin turns to look at Namjoon and mouths a silent “Thank you” Namjoon simply nods in acknowledgement.

This was the year when nothing went as expected, no one could’ve seen this coming, the cancelation of their tour, the pandemic, the suspension of their activities or the fact they would have to put on hold their individual projects indefinitely, some of the surprises 2020 had for them were still good, like this had been. 

Even when Namjoon felt lost, anxious and drained, at least he wasn’t alone. 

He had his team by his side and they weren’t going anywhere, even when things got hard at least they still had these happy moments together that gave the fuel to continue running together into the future.

Chapter Text

Everyone who knows Jeon Jungkook, will know that he’s a ridiculously gifted man. Seokjin often wonders how one person has so much natural talent, how he can be good at everything he does from the first try. 

Competence is hot and Jungkook is brimming with it.

Even if he doesn’t know how to do something, he will learn and he will learn fast. 

If something ever manages to catch his attention, he will master every aspect of it until he excels at it.

Being a boyfriend is no exception.

Jungkook is a good boyfriend, a great boyfriend, the best boyfriend Seokjin could’ve asked for.

And he’s not perfect by any means, Jungkook is quite jealous and possessive and despite trying his best, this is a quality he can’t shed but Seokjin has learned to live with it. 

But Jungkook had never been a boyfriend before, he had never dated anyone for longer than a couple of months before but here he is ready to commit the rest of his life to Seokjin without thinking about it twice.

It’s Seokjin, more experienced Seokjin, that finds himself often dropping the ball when it comes to boyfriend-ing and not on purpose of course but the road to hell is paved with good intentions and many times, despite trying his best to make him happy, Seokjin has caused Jungkook a great deal of pain.

“Yeobo?” Jungkook called from the bedroom door 

“Not now” Seokjin had snapped from the couch, where he was wrapped in his fluffy blanket with phone clutched in his hand “I’m on the phone-”

“What happened?” Jungkook asks, barely awake. It was early, ridiculously so, after the long night they had but Seokjin had woke up at the crack of dawn with a slew of texts bombarding his phone, he’s tired and irritated, so he simply points to the tv in front of him as an answer “oh” is all Jungkook says 

It’s not like Jungkook was meaning to call Seokjin ‘yeobo’ during the interview, they had both done a good job at staying professional during the whole thing, the questions were answered smoothly and Jungkook was doing a great job at conducting the interview but then in the middle of it, it happened.

Jungkook had quickly backtracked and corrected himself, Seokjin did his best not to react, ignoring it would bring less attention to it and after all, the editing team would probably cut that part out anyways, like they did with most content involving them, it would be heavily edited and filled with cuts and jumps in time.

But this time, they had let it slip for some incomprehensible reason. 

Seokjin was pissed, he was furious because now that the video had hundreds of thousands of views, they couldn’t take it down and upload it again, people would find it suspicious and the last thing they need is to call attention to themselves.

“Why didn’t they edit that part out?” Jungkook wonders out loud as he flops down on the couch next to him

“That’s what I’m trying to find out” Seokjin huffs looking down at his phone, still on hold “It’s not funny” he says when a small smirk dances on Jungkook’s lips while watching the clip 

“I know-”

“This is bad, if people notice-” the elder tells him with a frown 

“International fans won’t notice, the subtitles say something else” the younger man reassures, placing his hand on his knee

“Great! that just leaves the entire population of South Korea” Seokjin says and rolls his eyes

“They won’t notice a thing, stop worrying so much” Jungkook tells him before leaning in to plant a kiss on his cheek 

“Maybe you should worry more- we need to be more careful Jungkook-ah” Seokjin tells him as he dodges it “There’s always people watching, cameras, microphones-”

“I don’t care what people think” Jungkook sighs tiredly

He understands what Jungkook means, people speculated and created rumors about him especially, no matter what he did, it was something he had learned to live with but this was different, this wouldn’t just be rumors and if someone went digging around, they probably would find proof. 

“Well, I do, I haven’t even told my parents yet, if they find out because a scandal breaks out-” the elder argues getting up from the couch 

“Then maybe you should stop hiding the truth from them” Jungkook says with a shrug hugging a pillow to his chest 

“We’re not talking about this right now” Seokjin says, glancing at him from the corner of his eye, muting the phone in his hand “I- I think it’s too soon”

“Too soon? Hyung, we’ve been together for almost a year” Jungkook scoffs, leaning back onto the couch “I told my parents right away, you know?”

“It’s not the same Jungkook-ah, my parents are- they’re…” Seokjin looks down at the phone and decides to hang up, there probably isn’t anything he or anyone can do about it anyways

Conservative.  

That’s how Seokjin would describe them whenever Jungkook asked but he never gave any more details about the subject.

Jungkook had met his parents of course, he’s been over for dinner multiple times throughout the years and mr. and mrs. Kim had been nothing but kind and welcoming to him but being accepted as their son’s friend is much different from being accepted as his boyfriend. 

Because that would mean accepting their son was gay.

It was a terrifying thought, the possibility that his parents might be upset or even disgusted by his sexual orientation.

They weren’t outright homophobes but they weren’t allies either.

Seokjin had seen them shaking their heads and offering pitying looks to his parents business associate when his eldest daughter came out back when Seokjin was in highschool.

Back then, Seokjin already knew he could very well be at the receiving end of those looks, he knew he was different from the other kids.

Seokjin went to an all boys school and unlike his peers, who seeked out any opportunity to interact with the opposite gender, he hadn’t even looked at a girl, let alone talked to one before college and it didn’t bother him at all.

He never felt like he missed out on much at all, he still had teenage crushes and he had a few admirers himself, not that he ever did anything about those but it still felt nice to receive candies and cards on pepero day. 

The first girl he ever held a conversation with had been his classmate, that noona had been friendly and easygoing and she had practically taken him under her wing, teaching him the importance of eye contact, introducing him to her girlfriends and taking him out for drinks, overall she had made him feel more comfortable around women but even after that, Seokjin never felt any attraction for them.

He knew that she was really pretty, objectively speaking, she was the perfect girl and she and Seokjin together would’ve made sense so he decided to give it a try and ask her out, thinking that if they dated eventually he would get feelings for her.

But his noona only laughed, she laughed out loud, bending forward and whipping the corners of her eyes. He was annoyed by her reaction and decided to walk away, he didn’t need the public humiliation.

“Seokjin-ah” she called as she chased behind “wait up! nonna is sorry” He turns to her with a pout and she lets out an amused chuckle, getting up on her tiptoes to ruffle his hair “why all of a sudden?”

“You’re pretty and funny- smart and-”

“I know, I’m pretty awesome” she smiles flipping her hair, he rolls his eyes and turns away but she holds him by his sleeve and leans in to whisper “but I’m a girl Seokjin-ah”

He gasps, backing away with wide eyes, looking around to make sure no one can hear them. He thought he had been doing a good job at hiding, he thought no one knew but if she knew, then the rest of the school might know too. 

“No one else knows and I won’t tell anyone, I swear” she ads as if reading his thoughts “It’s just that you remind me of my little brother and he’s… you know”

“Noona…”

“It’s  okay Seokjin-ah, you’re going to be okay”

And she was right. 

A few days after her rejection, he got scouted on his way to school. 

Seokjin had always dreamt of finding this one person, the person he would want to spend the rest of his life with but to his surprise he found six. 

Seokjin’s first real commitment as an adult had been Bangtan because college was just something that was expected of him but staying with that ragtag bunch of kids had been his own decision, he made a promise to himself that he was here to stay, even if the dorms were cramped and the schedules were hellish he would not give up, even if the kids were rowdy and annoying at times he would not give up on them and their dreams. 

Those boys were filled with passion unlike anything Seokjin had seen before. 

Seokjin’s father is an economist and a great businessman, from an early age he taught him to assess every investment objectively, whether it was time, money or attention, whatever you invested on should always bring you a larger return. 

But he also taught him about trusting his gut, his intuition. 

And something inside him told him from the beginning that these kids were it.

This is what he should invest his youth in, even if they were from a small company, even if the group seemed to be composed of the most random and opposite characters, his gut told him to trust.

Trust that this was the right decision, the right path to see to the end, to run not just walk.

In the end, what he got was greater than he could’ve ever imagined. 

Not only had they been successful enough not having to worry about money anymore, successful enough to make his parents proud and forget about his old dream of becoming an actor but they had gone further than anyone before them had.

Seokjin had also gained a second family but more than that, the members were like the air he breathed, a crucial part of his life.

Each and every single one of them had carved their own little corner in his heart. 

And while he loved being with them, he also felt stuck at times. 

He felt like all his friends were on level 30th of the game and he was still stuck on the 20th without a chance of leveling up, being an idol had truly stunted his growth. 

Being a member of bangtan Seokjin had almost forgotten about his dream to settle down, unintentionally set that dream when he realized it would be nearly impossible to find someone that would accept that the members always come first, someone able to withstand the pressure of being with someone as famous as he is, someone that would be able to navigate this chaotic life alongside him, someone that actually wanted the boring and normal Kim Seokjin and not just BTS’s Jin.

Because he never thought that he would end up falling in love with his best friend, that one day he would wake up feeling more.

He had always loved Jungkook but one day he realized that all those things he wanted and dreamed about, he wanted them with Junkook. 

Seokjin told himself that it was wrong, wrong to want those things and especially with Jungkook who was still young and not so much naive as inexperienced. 

And while Seokjin has only dated a couple of people and he’s never been in a serious relationship before so he never felt the need to come out to his parents but now that he and Jungkook were close to celebrating their first anniversary it felt long overdue.

He wanted to share his happiness with them, he wanted to tell them just how amazing Jungkook was, how much he loved this man.

And the fact that he hasn’t hurt Jungkook, even if he tries to hide it, he never pushed or insisted further.

If you don’t try, you will never fail.

Not telling his parents felt safer in a way, easier than having to be confronted by an unpleasant reality, but they’re his parents.They already have to keep their love a secret from the world, If anyone should know, it should be them. 

 “I can’t force you or pressure you to come out if you’re not ready yet, even if it’s to your parents” Jungkook tells him from the couch, pillow hugged tightly to his chest when he should be hugging Seokjin instead “I knew what I was getting myself into, I knew wouldn’t have the same freedom as other couples” the younger one says, eyes glued to his lap 

“I want to tell them, the whole world but-” he begins coming to kneel between his boyfriends thighs “I’m sorry”

“It's okay hyung, it’s fine” Jungkook says, big brown eyes glimmering with unshed tears and adoration as he looks up at Seokjin “I’m still happy, are you?”

“I am” he responds without hesitation as he cups Jungkook’s cheek with his hand “you make me so happy Jungkook-ah” he leans in to plant a quick kiss on his pink lips, the younger graces him with his pretty smile as Seokjin takes his tattooed hand and kisses the knuckles “I’m sorry I freaked out at you, I’m sorry for everything, I promise I’ll do better from now on”

“Yeo- I mean hyung is doing great” Jungkook says, correcting himself quickly with wide eyes 

“No, Jungkook-ah, if you want to call me yeobo you can, you should” he says taking a hold of his face and peppering kisses on his cheeks ”I love it when you do”

“Yeobo, my yeobo” Jungkook giggles and when the kisses start to get sloppier, he laughs capturing Seokjin’s face in his hands and touching their foreheads together and whispers “I love you” 

“I love you” Seokjin whispers back, wondering how many times he saved his country in a past life to deserve this, to live the life he does, to be blessed enough to hold his entire world in the palm of his hands, to be witness and cause of the prettiest smile in the world.

By now, Seokjin was used to waking up tangled up in Jungkook’s limbs, this was nothing new for them after years of sharing a bed, since Jungkook had insisted on sleeping with him long before they ever got together. 

What was different now was the peace around them, instead of waking up to the noise of other five people roaming around the dorm, they could now wake up to the low humming of Jungkook’s humidifiers. 

A few months ago, Seokjin had began furnishing his apartment, he’d bought it a couple of years ago but had no intent on using it until he and Jungkook got together that is, as much as they loved the members, Namjoon walking in on them kissing on the living room was traumatizing enough.

As a couple in their honeymoon stage, they wanted as much privacy as they could get in order to really explore this new intimacy they were now allowed to enjoy and it’s not like they were just having sex 24/7 but sometimes they just wanted to cook and eat dinner together while chatting about this and that, sometimes, they just wanted to sit in the living room floor folding laundry while a movie played in the background and yes, sometimes Seokjin just wanted to get lost in the pleasure and not have to worry about moaning Jungkook’s name too loud and not have to be teased to death by the members afterwards.

It was perfect like this, they still lived in the same building so they could come and go easily but they had their own space, their own little sanctuary to run to when they wanted to be alone together. 

On their downtime, is when they truly got to enjoy each other's company, they would sleep till late and take turns making breakfast for the other or simply stay in bed and order something in if they were feeling too lazy.

Today, Seokjin had a feeling they would be resourcing to the latter since exhaustion clinged onto their bodies.

Every bone in his body felt like it was made out of lead, his muscles were sore and tight and he couldn’t just blame their nightly activities because his exhaustion was mostly due to their packed schedules and little time to rest.

They’ve been preparing to perform at the grammys, wanting to give their best, they rehearsed day and night despite already having mastered the choreography by now.

Perhaps it was their way to channel their nerves for the upcoming award show, it was hard to believe that they were nominated, the group from a small, nearly bankrupt South Korean company.

They never imagined they would get to this point and as proud and grateful as they were for everything they’ve accomplished, the past couple of years have been a lot. 

They were overworked, even by their standards, to the point where even the younger ones were starting to show signs of exhaustion.

But their team was strong and he knew they could overcome anything.

He tried to not worry about the future, more specifically the near future because of course he had thought about him and Jungkook having a fairytale wedding in the distant future. About moving into a little cabin in the woods where they could grow old together but he certainly didn’t think about what would happen this year. 

He didn’t think of how uncertain their lives would be, especially when life kept throwing curveballs at them. 

The plan for this year had been to release one final album before Seokjin began the process of enlisting, the members would focus on solo projects but the plans were constantly changing and control kept slipping from his hands.

All those laws and amendments that asked for special treatment, he didn’t ask for them and yet he was always at the receiving end.

He was sick and tired of having to answer the question time and time again and of giving the same rehearsed answer. 

Things kept dragging on and on and he just wanted to get it over with.

The most recent trap they’ve been caught on had used the grammys as a bait, the government had dangled the possibility of exempting them from their service if they won the award, so now, the pressure was on, the stakes were high and they couldn’t just be happy to be nominated anymore.

Regardless of the results, Seokjin had long ago decided that he would serve in the military, not because he supported the war or everything they stood for but because he wanted to prove to the world that he could.

That he, just like any other south korean man his age, would step up and serve his country, just like every man of his family had.

But he wanted to make things right before he had to leave.

“Good morning” he greets, planting a kiss on the top if his boyfriend’s head when he begins to stir 

“hm morning” the younger mumbles, struggling to open his eyes 

“Jungkook-ah, hyung has something to ask you” Seokjin tells him as he nuzzles into Jungkook’s neck and he responds with a hum “would you like to have dinner with me and my parents tonight?”

“Uh… yeah, sure” Jungkook replies, tensing a bit in Seokjin’s hold, probably worrying about having to lie to them, about having to keep them a secret 

“I’m gonna tell them the truth tonight” Seokjin sighs and Jungkook shoots up into a sitting position, staring at him with wide eyes “I want you to be there but you don’t have to- it might be uncomfortable, it might… not be nice”

“That’s exactly why I should be coming with you” Jungkook responds, blinking a few times before a big smile spreads across his face, he takes a hold of Seokjin’s hand and gives it a squeeze “it’ll be okay yeobo, I’ll be with you no matter what”

“I know you will” Seokjin smiles up at him and squeezes back his hand “we should get up now” he says and lets out a sigh, rolling out of bed, only to be pulled back by Jungkook. 

He laughs as his back hits the mattress, Jungkook crawls into his lap right away and traps his hands over his head before diving in for a charged kiss. He stops laughing at once when he feels the intensity of the kiss, it’s charged with emotions and feelings and he gets lost in them.

Fear, relief, gratitude, nervousness, excitement and most importantly, love.

Later that evening, the couple got into Jungkook’s car and drove to the Kim's home. 

After parking down the street, Jungkook fretted with his hair.

“What even is this color? I should’ve dyed it black before coming here” the younger groans, smoothing back the platinum tresses 

“You look good no matter what” Seokjin says with a fond smile 

“this is not ‘meet the parents’ type of look” Jungkook mumbles under his breath as he pulls the sleeve of his sweater down to cover his tattooed hand “they’re going to hate me” 

“Stop- you don’t have to cover up, this is who you are” the elder tells him “and I don’t care what they think, I love everything about you”

“Even when I nag you?” his boyfriend asks with a shy smile

“Especially when you do” Seokjin chuckles, handing over the fruit basket they had stopped by to buy along with some flowers for his mother “ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be” Jungkook exhales before getting out of the car.

They walk to the door hand in hand, holding the gifts in their free hands. Seokjin can feel Jungkook’s nerves thrumming through his body, he’s never seen the younger this nervous before. 

You see, Jungkook was the fearless type, he could very well jump off a plane or stare a tiger in the eye and try to wrestle and he would probably think it was fun but what Seokjin has learned is that while he is brave, one of the bravest people he knows, coming to Seoul at 13 and thriving in an industry that chews up and spits up most, Jungkook was prone to anxiety. 

Oftentimes he got insecure and unsure, he hesitated and overthinked.

And right now, Seokjin can see it in his eyes as they get wide and stare blankly ahead, Jungkook’s mind must be running a mile a minute and Seokjin knows that the little voice inside of him isn’t always inclined to say the nicest or most reassuring things. 

It’s something Seokjin found hard to understand, he considers himself a simple man, straightforward and confident, cautious and slow to decide but decisive once he makes up his mind.

Jungkook on the other side, still found himself paralyzed with doubt, like a deer caught in headlights in the middle of the row. 

Perhaps this is what made Seokjin think twice before deciding to give this a chance.

He honestly never saw Jungkook as his little brother, that was a common misconception.

It was easy to file Taehyung, Jimin and even Namjoon at times into that category, since those three could be quite helpless when it came to everyday things. He can’t even count how many times he had to save the kitchen and them from being burned down at the hands of them. 

Despite being professional and capable artist and performers, his dongsaengs still kept a certain naivety about them and a certain helplessness.

Something he never for one second perceived on Jungkook.

Sometimes they joke about Jungkook being the real hyung but all jokes contain an element of truth. 

When they first met, Jungkook was an enigma to Seokjin, the boy was and looked so young. His eyes were wide and clear, looking at the world like everything was new, like it was his first life. He was quiet and shy but the boy was not helpless or naive by any means.

Even at 15 Jungkook carried himself with maturity, determination spilling off of him, dedication to perfecting his craft. 

From the beginning Jungkook knew the potential he had and he knew it was up to him to reach the fullest of it. He worked hard, he took things seriously and he was respectful and poised like no person Seokjin had met before.

It took years for Jungkook to relax enough to show his more relaxed and playful side, to allow himself to be looked after by his hyungs because as a teen all he wanted was to be seen as an adult. 

And it wasn’t all for show, sometimes Seokjin heard Jungkook talking and he couldn’t help but to compare his own fifteen year old self to him, needles to say that Jungkook was miles ahead of him when it came to maturity. 

Seokjin had been sheltered by his parents' wealth growing up, he’s aware of that. 

He went to private schools his whole life, his parents were very present in every aspect of his life and his older brother, despite being a nuisance most of the time, did his best to protect him as well. 

If Seokjin moved away at the age of 15 and was subjected to the life of a trainee so early on, it might’ve destroyed him but for Jungkook, the pressure did nothing but turn coal into the purest diamond. 

And it wasn’t just his emotional maturity, his diligence or his determination that kept Seokjin from seeing him from a kid, it was his resourcefulness that had always impressed him. 

Jungkook never asked for anything, he was perfectly capable of managing his own life from early on. He would make sure to stretch out his allowance for the whole month, to go to school on time and do his homework as well as his chores and keep himself out of trouble.

It was one of Seokjin’s biggest personal accomplishments, to get Jungkook comfortable enough to receive help and to seek it out but even then the maknae always gave more than he got in return, to the world, to the fans, to the company and to the members.

Because of that Seokjin always made sure to even things out, to stand by his side and take some of the burden off his shoulders, to offer his care and his unconditional love, a firm shoulder to lean on when it got to be too much. 

Surprisingly Jungkook accepted him fully and that is why, their friendship, their relationship, worked. 

They were equals, their partnership was a force to be reckoned with.

Seokjin never doubted his feelings for Jungkook were sincere, the issue wasn’t attraction either, Jungkook had grown into the most beautiful man Seokjin had ever seen and each year that passed as he grew comfortable into his own skin, the elder fell further and further for him. 

But in the back of his mind, the opinions of everyone around him had filtered and he couldn’t allow himself to forget about their age difference.

Even if Jungkook was more mature than him in some ways, he was still 5 years younger than him. 

Seokjin remembers being so young, when staying as part of the group and college were such huge commitments he could barely handle the two simultaneously but Jungkook as always was one step ahead and he was ready to commit to spending the rest of his life with Seokjin or so he said. 

“This is it hyung” Jungkook said, gesturing between the two of them after the members left them alone in the living room “You have to promise me, that if we get together, that we’ll stay together”

“Jungkook-ah, I could promise you that but we can’t be sure-”

“We can hyung” the younger insisted “if we’re both committed and serious about making this work”

Seokjin sighed, looking into the younger’s eyes, those pretty eyes that had caught his eyes from the first moment he saw them, he reached for Jungkook’s hand and planted a kiss on the back of it “Even if we are Jungkookie, you’re still so young-”

“There you go again- why do you always have to bring it up?” Jungkook huffs, pulling his hand away and standing up, arms crossed in front of his chest. Their age difference had always been a touchy topic between them but it was something they needed to discuss.

“Listen to me Jungkook-ah” Seokjin walked up to him and hugging him from the back “I just don’t want you to feel trapped if you ever change your mind” he hums as he hooks his chin on Jungkook’s shoulder “Which is possible since you’re still young, you’re allowed to change your mind about us”

Jungkook turns around and watches him for a moment before shaking his head “I was 13 when I decided to become an idol and I was 14 when I had to decide what company to sign with” using his fingers to list off things, eyes burning with fiery passion and determination “And I was 15 when I met you and decided that I would love you for the rest of my life, I’ve never had a problem committing my life to something I believe in,  I’m not changing my mind but I’m worried that you might”

The night Seokjin and Jungkook got together, the elder did his best to convince him that he wouldn’t change his mind but in the back of his mind he knew Jungkook was still worried and maybe that is why Seokjin often finds himself having to reassure Jungkook that he’s not going anywhere, that he’s willing to work hard on them and that what they have is secure because neither of them will give up without giving it their best.

Still those doubts manifest in ugly bursts of jealousy, when Jungkook becomes almost paranoid of losing Seokjin as if he’d ever so much look at another person when he has the sweetest, sexiest and most handsome boyfriend he could ever ask for.

But tonight, he will take a small step to reassure Jungkook that what they have is real.

He’s in it to win it and fully committed and telling his parents makes it real.

Because he’s convinced that regardless of their reaction, he will never change his mind about Jungkook, even if he has to pick, his mind and heart is set on Jeon Jungkook. 

He gives Jungkook’s hand another squeeze before the door opens before them, his mother greets them both with a smile and thanks them as Jungkook hands over the gift and bows deeply.

“Oh Jungkook-ah! these look delicious, thank you” his mother smiles brightly as she examines the fruits 

“He bought flowers as well” Seokjin says, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder and handing over the flowers 

“Oh they’re lovely, come in- I’ll go put these in water right away” the woman smiles stepping aside, arms busy with the gifts, the two step into the foyer and remove their shoes, a pair of slippers for each of them already waiting by the door “your father’s in the living room, go join him and I’ll call you when dinner’s ready”

“Do you need any help?” Jungkook asks as Seokjin takes his coat to hang it on the closet 

“No sweetheart, I’m almost done- just relax” she calls back as she heads to the kitchen “yeobo! The kids are here” she says as she walks by the living room, Seokjin and Jungkook exchange looks. 

So far so good, his mother had always adored Jungkook but she was a woman filled with love and Seokjin thinks she’s not capable of hating anyone, his father might be a little more difficult to convince. 

Seokjin’s father wasn’t mean or rude, he was just a lot quieter and more reserved than his outgoing wife, the man was a smart and methodical businessman, a straight talker that never beat around the bush, brutally honest at times. So if he isn’t happy, he will let them know. 

“There you are” his father greeted them when they made their way to the living room, the two bowed down to the elder and they’re offered a glass of wine from his father’s personal collection “so, how’s everything at the company?”

“Everyone is looking forward to the grammys” Seokjin sighs as he takes a seat on the couch 

“We’ve been working hard to prepare for the performance” Jungkook adds in that polite tone he uses mostly during interviews, he’s sitting up straight on the couch next to Seokjin, leaving a decent space between them and holding onto the wineglass a little too hard, he’s nervous. 

Seokjin had been nervous when he had dinner with Jungkook’s parents as well, but the Jeons had been so welcoming and open that it didn’t last long. Mr. and and Ms. Jeon were, for  a lack of a better term, chill . 

Seokjin had heard stories from Jungkook of course about how they had always allowed him and his brother to do whatever they wanted but still corrected them and guided down the right path but Jungkook never had to stress about pleasing his parents or meeting their expectations and because of that he was freer than most. 

Seokjin’s parents were controlling at all but they had expectations that he and his hyung were meant to uphold. 

His brother had already met every single one of them. He graduated at the top of his class, he started a successful business and had a wife and kid on the way, he was the perfect son and Seokjin had always been a step behind. 

It wasn’t until their group got this big that he felt that he was starting to catch up with his brother. 

Jungkook knows all of this, after many sleepless nights where they laid in each other’s arms bearing their souls to one another, they now knew every single detail of each other’s lives, so Jungkook knew what was at stake and that didn’t ease his nerves.

His father congratulated them on the nomination once again, told them they were doing well and that was it, the conversation died down as the commercials ended and he focused his attention back on the news playing on the screen. They enjoyed their wine in peaceful silence until his mother called them for dinner. 

“This is nice” the house wife commented with a pleasant smile, Seokjin looks up from where he’s cutting his stake to smile and nod “you haven’t visit us in a while Jungkook-ah, you should come around more often”

“Thank you ma’am, I would be happy to” Jungkook responds with a respectful nod

“Good, How are you doing these days? Are your parents well?” she asks cutting her own meal into bite sizes

“They are doing well, thank you” he smiles, telling her about their recent move to a new apartment and she tells him that he’s such a good son for taking care of his parents. 

When the conversation dies down again, everyone focuses on eating. If Seokjin’s brother was here he would probably help his mother make the conversation flow along seamlessly, the two extroverts would balance out this room of introverts but at least the silence isn’t uncomfortable, they haven’t gotten to the uncomfortable part just yet.

Seokjin waits until they’re mostly done with their dinners, his father is still working on his stake since he once in a while pauses to savor his wine. 

When he feels Jungkook’s eyes on him, he turns and offers him a small nod, the younger gives him a reassuring smile and holds his hand under the table as Seokjin takes a deep breath and clears his throat before he starts “Abeoji, eomonim, I- we have something to tell you” this garners his parents attention, his mother frowning with concern at his serious tone, his father simply stares, face unreadable “I’m know that I should’ve told you sooner but I couldn’t find the right moment” he explains, doing his best to keep his breathing even and his eyes leveled, good eye contact like noona taught him as he speaks “anyways about a year ago, Jungkook and I realized we had feelings for each other” there’s no turning back now, the truth is out and he feels a weight being lifted off his shoulder and Jungkook squeezing his sweaty hand tightly “We’ve been together since then and we’re in in love, we’re very happy together and we have the support of the members and the company” 

Seokjin ends his sentence with finite determination, letting them know that he’s merely informing them and not asking for their permission and he braces himself for their reaction. 

But then Jungkook speaks softly and he ads “And we would like to ask for your blessing” 

He wants to say ‘ no, I don’t care if they approve or not- I love you and that’s all that matters’ but it seems to matter to Jungkook and he’s being honest, it matters to him a little too.

“I assume this is serious, since you’ve come to tell us in person” his father breaks the tense silence after setting down his glass of wine hands folded over his lap as he observes them 

“Yes”

“We’re committed to staying together” Seokjin responds

“We love each other and we’re determined to make this work” Jungkook chimes in, hand still in Seokjin’s grasp. 

Seokjin’s father nods slowly before turning to his wife, who hasn’t said a word and he takes her hand in his “Relationships require a lot of work and patience and they’re not to be taken lightly, It will be especially hard for you two” 

Seokjin hasn’t realize when he started crying but he quickly wipes his tears with his free hands and looks at his father expectantly, anticipation killing him as he waits for him to continue 

“Abeoji?” 

“I believe you two can make it work as long as you’re both in the same page, you don’t need our blessing, you two just need each other but you have it” the man nods once again before raising his glass in their direction “Welcome to the family to the family Jungkook-ah”

His mother lets out an excited squeal, clapping her hands happily as he and Jungkook let out a breath he didn’t realize they were both holding “You were already part of the family but you know, in a new capacity” his mother says reaching for Jungkook’s free hand and patting it gently.

The smile that stretches across Jungkook’s face, has Seokjin’s head spinning, like the ground has just parted beneath him and he realized he could fall deeper. He found what many seek but never find, the meaning of life, perhaps the meaning of his life, to keep that smile on Jungkook’s face.

“Seokjin-ah” his mother turns to him then to scold “Don’t keep secrets from your eomma like that”

“Sorry” he sighs out as Jungkook giggles next to him 

“I told him it was wrong to lie ms. Kim”

“Oh Jungkook-ah, just call me eomma” the woman says, smiling fondly at his boyfriend. Great, he’s mother’s favorite now.

“Son, we’re going to have to share a meal with your parents soon” his father says with in a tone that means business “Let us know when it’s convenient for them”

“Yes mr. Kim”

“Abeonim is fine- now, can we go back to eating now?” the man waves him off before he grabbing his fork and knife, Seokjin can’t help the chuckle that scapes his throat, shaking his head as he smiles to himself and looks down at their joined hands that keep him grounded during the most uncertain times, for the first time in his life he feels like himself, for the first time he feels free. 

 Later that night Seokjin helped to cut the fruit into bite size pieces as Jungkook and his father sat side by side, the boxing match playing on the tv before them but were absorbed in their own conversation.

“I was starting to worry about you, you know?” his mother starts quietly as she peels the pear in her hand “I thought ‘my Seokjinnie is already 30 and he’s still alone, he’s going to end up a bitter and lonely old man, just like my brother- there’s one in every family, you know?’”

“Eomma…” he rolls his eyes fighting back a laugh 

“But perhaps not in ours?” she chuckles softly before waving him off “I’m kidding but you did seemed so much happier this past year, he’s good for you”

“He is, he really is”

Chapter Text

Sometimes , Jungkook felt old. 

When he thought about all the things he’s done, all the things he had accomplished, how long he has been working. It was like he had cramped an entire lifetime in ten years time and before that, he had a whole another life that he left behind when he moved to Seoul. 

But most times,  Jungkook felt a lot younger than his actual age.

Years ago, Namjoon hyung, after reading a book his therapist recommended, had told him about arrested development and the psychological effects fame and early exposure can have in the developing brain. Jungkook had stared blankly at him until he explained in simpler terms, saying that basically ‘celebrities are mentally stuck at the age they become famous’.

At that, Jungkook had simply laughed and replied ‘I’m not a celebrity hyung, I’m just Jungkookie’

Oh how naive he had been. 

Back then, they weren’t as big as they are now, they could still go out in public and do normal things, like travel abroad and go out with their friends without starting a major scandal. 

Jungkook now was very much aware of his status, about the fame and influence he and his hyungs held but rather than letting it get to his head it only humbled him. They didn’t get here on their own, as hard as they worked and as much as they wanted it, they never would’ve accomplished this without their fans. 

Their fans had been the ladder that allowed them to climb to the top and not only that but they shattered the glass ceiling whenever they thought that they wouldn’t be capable of climbing higher, they did this time and time again, until they were brought to the very top.

And it was humbling and terrifying at the same time, being so high up and staring down, knowing you could fall down anytime.

The sheer power and determination of their fans never ceased to amaze him, it inspired him to work even harder, to be better and to give them more. 

But you can’t pour from an empty cup.

In the last few years, he had realized that there were certain things that were specially draining to him, like social media. Because as much as he loved keeping in touch with their fans, the negative comments, the hate, the demands and the criticism always got to him.

‘Boundaries are healthy Jungkook-ah, it’s about time you set some’ Seokjin had told him when he announced that he would be taking a break from twitter.

Since then, he’s felt less pressured to be active, the anxiety he felt everytime he posted something is now gone and he only shared when and what he felt inclined to. 

But it had taken him years to understand that he can love people and not give up every part of himself, that he could say no, that he could have privacy, opinions and his own life. 

And that is why he felt young, why he felt like Namjoon’s words made so much sense when applied to him. 

Because it was hard for him to leave his 15 year old self behind, that kid that more than anything wanted to become a singer, that dreamed about the day when his voice could touch someone, when his songs would make someone’s days just a little bit brighter. 

That kid was also lost in this big world, desperate to stay in it and scared of rejection, always in survival mode, fearing that everything he worked for would be taken away if he made the wrong move. 

His hyungs had always reassured him of course, they had always been there for him but that was also another thing that perhaps had stunned his growth.

Their intentions were good of course, Jungkook knew his hyungs loved him in the purest of ways but even parents have to let their children grow up eventually.

Most kids at 20 years old, start to get a taste of adult life. 

They move out of their parents home, they go to college or move abroad. 

Jungkook had left his parents at 15 but at 25, he’s yet to spend more than three weeks without his hyungs.

He didn’t know life without them, he couldn’t imagine not having them by his side, not having them as a net to catch him when he eventually fell. 

He was a grown man now, having conquered most of his fears but the idea of not having his hyungs still terrified him.

Basically, his life was divided in two eras, marked by the most monumental moment of his existence, meeting Kim Seokjin.

It was because of Seokjin that he didn’t give up on his dreams, it was because of him that he had home away from home, it was because of him that he felt loved and willing and open to accept love from everyone else. 

But he had also learned how to love, in a healthier way. 

Jungkook had never understood the saying ‘If you love somebody, set them free’ because  in his mind, if someone loves you too then they would never even think about leaving your side.

But after seeing his hyungs personally struggling for years, he understood what it meant. 

He understood that they weren’t a single entity, that they weren’t just BTS, a powerful beast of seven heads, that they were seven people with autonomy, goals and dreams, all struggling to find their way in their own personal journeys, seven boys that were never allowed to grow into men. 

Knowing logically and understanding what they needed didn’t make it any less hard, Jungkook has had nightmares very similar to this of him alone watching helplessly as they walked their separate ways.

It had started with a meeting, when their managers informed them that the lease of their dorm would be ending in June and that the company, as per their wishes, would not be renewing it. 

All the members had their own apartments by then, some even had two. 

But they all still stayed at the dorm during promotions or just crashed there from time to time because they knew they were sure to find a friendly face there. 

But that would be over in no time and the realization shaked Jungkook to the core. It was happening soon, too many changes coming his way, all at once and as it often did, the fear and anxiety paralyzed him.

“Jungkook-ah?”

He heard the soft voice call but he couldn’t snap out of it, he couldn’t focus on the now when his mind was racing with alarming thoughts about the near future.  

“Baby” Seokjin had whispered taking a hold of his hand

“Huh?” he flinched as he focused his eyes on the man towering over him

“Come on, they’re waiting for us” the elder tugged on his hand, holding the passenger door of his car open for him inside the dimly lit underground parking lot, without a word Jungkook got out, letting Seokjin shut the door and guide him to the elevators. 

Moving day had come, he tried to postpone it as much as he could, they had just ended promotions for proof and he had worked on a song for festa so he used that as an excuse but the other member’s had been just as busy and their bedrooms were already vacant.

Truth is, he feels that as long as he doesn’t move all his things, it will not be real. 

But Seokjin had it with him one day, he had invited Jungkook to join him on his tennis lessons and afterwards he had cornered into finally making the move. Seokjin had already taken care of everything, he hired the movers and dragged Jungkook to their dorm.

“Yes, everything inside this room” Seokjin nods as he talks to their manager, Jungkook’s belongings were already inside labeled boxes inside his barely used room, he’d always preferred Seokjin’s bed anyways.

It wasn’t the room he was going to miss, it was having his hyungs in one place. 

With their promotions over and their individual schedules taking priority, they would see each other less and less with time.  

They still had to film a few run bts episodes but they also had solo albums, individual promotions, tv show appearances, schedules overseas, things that would bring them further and further away. 

“Would that be everything, Seokjin-ssi?” the manager asked, one of the newer and younger ones. Even things at the company had been changing, their old managers had been promoted and raised through the ranks at hybe and as happy as Jungkook was for them, he still missed them. There was a formality and reverence that the newer staff directed towards them that was hard to get used to after years of being around their manager hyungs, who were there with them from the beginning, had seen Jungkook through his emo acne ridden teenage years. 

Now instead of ‘Jungkookie’ or ‘Jungkook-ah’, he was ‘Jungkook-ssi’ or worse, ‘Jungkook-nim’.

“Jungkook-ah?” Seokjin calls, directing a questioning look towards him “Would that be everything?”

Jungkook looks around the room before walking out to the hallways, Seokjin and their manager trailing behind him as he heads to the living room

“What happens to the furniture?” he asks, taking a look around the deserted room. 

They didn’t have time, the movers would be here soon and that would be it, they would never see this place again.

The place where they made so many memories. 

“Well, the company will keep it in storage for a while but most likely they will dispose of them” their manager tells him, seeming a bit unsure.

Jungkook frowns, running his hand over the back of the brown leather couch. How can they just get rid of it? The couch were they all sat, the only couch that could actually fit all of them comfortably, where they laughed and cried, it had even a part of the first music video he ever directed and the place where he kissed Seokjin for the first time, not to mention that it’s in perfect condition, it would be such a waste to dispose of it, Jungkook needed a couch anyways and if no one else wanted it then… “Can I take them?”

The man stares at him for a moment, his eyes shifting to Seokjin before he sighs and nods “I’ll let the company know Jungkook-ssi”

“I want the couch and the dining room table- oh and what about the kitchen?” He asks, the staff never had a problem with him taking things after shoots, it wasn’t anything new and this way he could preserve some precious memories. 

The manager inspect the papers on his cupboard before he replies “Well, it says here that the appliances were a gift from samsung-” 

“I’ll take them” Jungkook nods walking further into the kitchen and opening the cabinets “and the rice cooker and these bowls” he says lifting one of the colorful bowls, they had been gifted to them by fans and the ugly green rice cooker had been with them since their first dorm, they can’t just throw them away.

“I’ll have them packed Jungkook-ssi” the manager nods as his phone starts ringing, he excuses himself and leaves the room, leaving him and Seokjin alone. 

“What? You told me to get more things” Jungkook asks when his boyfriend gives him a questioning look

“Because all you have are mattresses laying around” Seokjin sighs, gesturing around the room “and I didn’t mean this”

“Well, I got more things now” Jungkook scoffs, inspecting the pastel pink bowl in his hand. It has always been Seokjin’s favorite “happy?”

“You could buy new things, you know?” Seokjin asks, gently hands taking the bowl from his hand “Make the place truly yours, decorate it however you want and make it your home”

“It’s not my home” Jungkook grumbles, looking away “It’s just the place Bam and I will be staying in from now on”

“Jungkook-ah…” Seokjin starts, whipping his head around when his manager's footsteps echo down the hall “can we talk about this later?” 

“Whatever you say, hyung” Jungkook says, putting emphasis on the last word. 

He rarely refers to Seokjin like that anymore, only when they’re in public or when he’s upset, he mostly prefers using his name or of the many pet names he has for him, honorifics stop being a necessity after years of intimacy and a life shared together. 

Jungkook watches as the movers do their thing, bringing everything into his apartment with ease and efficiency, he sits by Bam’s crate as Seokjin takes charge of instructing them on where everything goes and in no time, his formerly empty apartment is mostly furnished and all his belongings are in place. 

Even after everyone leaves he stays sitting on the ground, releasing Bam and letting the pup take a seat on his lap while he sniffs his head, having Bam around always brought comfort to him. 

Getting a dog wasn’t in his plans, he never thought about it before since he was always traveling and working but last year when the reality of Seokjin’s enlistment had settled in he became open to the idea. It was his brother who convinced him, he brought Jungkook along when he went to pick up his own dogs and Jungkook had fallen in love with the doberman pup, it was a last second decision and impulse that he would never regret. 

Bam had stayed at his brother’s place and at a training center for the first months of his life, Jungkook thought bringing him to live to Seokjin’s apartment would be too much, after all, he never asked if his boyfriend wanted a dog but instead of being upset, the elder was enamored with the dog, insisting on spoiling him rotten and trying to undo all his training much to Jungkook’s dismay. 

The doberman had become sort of an emotional support for him but with the current state of things not even Bam could calm him down. 

“I ordered chicken from your favorite place” Seokjin announces with a small smile, lifting the bag for Jungkook to see “they don’t deliver in hannam but they do here” Jungkook simply hums, burying his face on Bam’s neck and his boyfriend sighs  “baby, I know you’re upset because we’re not moving in together-” 

“Wow, really? what made you realize?” he scoffs with a frown “I just thought that after 2 years of being together and basically living together this whole time, you would’ve asked me to move into your apartment instead of insisting I get my own place”

“Jungkook-ah…” 

“It’s like you’re breaking up with me, you’re leaving me-” he says, voice craving despite his best attempts 

“Baby, no-” Seokjin coos, kneeling down before him

“You are, literally- you’re leaving in a few months and we should be spending more time together but instead, I’ll be here and you-” his words are cut off by sobs and he hides his face in his hands as Bam whimpers on his lap 

“Jungkookie, breath” the elder instructs as he pats his knee, voice soft as he speaks “Baby, I would never break up with you, I’m leaving but it’s only for a little while and  I want you to have your own place because I know that staying at my place will be harder for you- we have so many memories there”

Jungkook looks up to see Seokjin’s eyes red with unshed tears “I want you to live your life to the fullest while I’m gone, I want to hear about everything you did and fall in love with you even more- Will you do that for me?”

At times it was too easy to be selfish, to think only about his pain and how hard it would be for him when Seokjin left, it was easy to forget that Seokjin would suffer as well but looking that kind and loving face, he realized that Seokjin had been doing a good job at concealing his own pain, preferring to help Jungkook overcome his instead “Can you at least try?”

“I will” he promises, whipping his tears “I’m okay Bam” he whispers when the pup gets off his lap to sniff him worriedly

“Good” Seokjin hums cupping his face in his hands, bag of chicken forgotten on the side as he comforts the younger “We still have some time before I leave”

“And you’ll be working for most of it” Jungkook grumbles as he leans into his touch 

“You will be too- did you forget that you will opening the world cup in a few months?” Seokjin chuckles lowly “My baby is a superstar, hyung is so proud of you”

“Hyung…” he groans out embarrassed, covering his face once again 

“And you will put out an amazing music as well, I know you will have the best album in the world, you’re so talented Jungkook-ah” his boyfriend gushes as he squeezes his thigh “So talented, handsome, smart, strong, beautiful- I could go on all day”

“Yeobo…” he rolls his eyes taking Seokjin’s hand and bringing it to his lips “I love you, so much”

“I love you more” Seokjin smiles at him 

“Impossible” he argues as Seokjin gets up from the ground and struggles to pull him up with him 

“We’ll discuss that later, the chicken is getting cold-” the elder tells him 

“But my love for you never will” Jungkook declares, grabbing his boyfriend by the waist 

“Ugh, that was cheesy even for me” Seokjin wrinkles his nose with a grin before pulling Jungkook into a kiss. 

The chicken ends up getting cold and they end up making yet another new memory on the couch that day.

By October, Jungkook realized that it was time to let go.

Preparing for the Busan concert had been fun, seeing his hyungs everyday, dancing and singing and goofing around during the breaks like in the good old days, he almost forgot about the fact that this would be their last concert for years to come.

But while he was having a grand old time, Seokjin seemed to struggle. 

When the offer for the concert came about the team had been divided into two separate camps, the majority wanted to do it, they thought they owed it to the fans, one last hurrah before parting ways but Seokjin wasn’t convinced. He had already planned on enlisting by the summer to avoid the harsh winter months during his first months of service and Yoongi had taken his side, making the point that both of them had already postponed it enough, it was time to get it over with. 

Jungkook couldn’t understand, he thought it was selfish to put your needs before group’s and their fans wishes, it was only a couple of months, postponing it again wouldn’t be the end of the world, they had already been forced to do so before and every time Jungkook was thankful for the extra time he got with Seokjin.

He didn’t see back then how tired Seokjin was, how much of a sacrifice this had been and how difficult it was to add yet another thing to his already cramped schedule but now, he sees the consequences.

He should’ve taken his boyfriend’s side, much like Yoongi had sided with his best friend, he should’ve put Seokjin first and be more mindful of his wishes and limits. 

If he had, maybe Seokjin wouldn’t be sick now.

The morning of the concert Seokjin had an IV drip connected to his pale arm, antibiotics and painkillers slowly flowing into his bloodstream in hope that it would help him beat the infection.

He was exhausted and overworked and whenever that happened Seokjin’s throat was the first one to suffer, maybe because he practiced day and night, still self conscious about his vocals even after being praised by the recording academy itself. 

Even in his condition, he managed to put on an impeccable performance.

Voice so filled with emotion that Jungkook couldn’t help but to remove his in-ear to get a better listen, he took it in and recorded it on his memory, knowing it would be the last time their voices would harmonize like this for a while. 

And it was time to let go.

Time for Seokjin to take control over his own life, to do what he wanted to do, what he needed to do.

With Seokjin’s solo debut and with Jungkook’s schedule in Qatar, they didn't didn’t see each other much for a whole month. It was a test trial for what was to come, their pending and unavoidable separation. 

But they made the most out of December, of those two precious weeks they had left.

Jungkook wonders now if that made it harder to say goodbye.

That morning he’d woken up in Seokjin’s bed, the alarm blaring loudly across the room as the elder removed his arms from his waist to get up. It was still dark outside but their destination was a couple of hours away.

They got up and got ready for the day fast, the driver sent by the company would be here to pick them up soon, they didn’t talk the whole time, simply stole meaningful glances and concealed longing sighs, it was the same on their way there, except they held hands the whole way there. Seokjin’s hands were cold and shaking, Jungkook frowned and offered him a snack but the elder declined. It wasn’t low blood sugar but rather nerves and no amount of sugar could make them go away.

Jungkook looked down at their joined hands before stepping out of the car, once they opened the door this would end, their last moments alone, outside they would have to put on a show, pretend that his hearts weren’t being ripped out of their chest. 

Pretend that they were just saying goodbye to a good friend.

“I love you the most” Sokjin said before opening his door and stepping outside. 

Jungkook had to pause for a few seconds before he could follow, blinking a few times and taking a deep breath to keep the tears at bay, he felt glued to his seat. He was a singer not an actor, he no longer wanted to pretend.

But with the camera pointed at his face he had no choice but to lower his hat and pull his face mask up as high as it could go, he said nothing, he did nothing except stay close to Seokjin until he had to leave. 

They’ve said their goodbyes the night before, they’d done time and time again, each time just as painful as the last one and nothing could prepare him for seeing Seokjin walk away. 

He would have to follow his steps one day, he would be the one leaving soon but for now all he could do was keep his promise. 

To try to live his life to the fullest while Seokjin is gone, first he would have to learn how to live at all. 

He has time, even when it seems to pass by faster the older he gets, 3 years is a long time.

He now knows that he’s allowed to take a break, he doesn’t have to force himself to be okay, he doesn’t have to pretend, he deserves some time on his own after years of having the eyes of the world on him. 

Perhaps it was time to see who he really was when he wasn’t perceived, to grow out of the confines he’s been stuck in, to give his body the rest he had been craving for years. 

Work could wait, he needed to lick his wounds in order to heal.

He no longer feels scared or guilty as he turns off his phone and walks into his apartment, because he knows that when he decides to come back, there will be people waiting for him, people that like him were strong enough to survive this.

It has been a hell of a year but eventually, they will be okay.