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God she missed her already. Beatrice wasn't used to this. She considered herself a rational person. The loss of Shannon and Mary hurt, yes, but they had died for a mission and for a purpose. Ava wasn't dead though. And Shannon and Mary weren't Ava. In her mind, she knew that Ava was doing this for a mission and purpose, but that didn't make it better. She tried to grasp onto her level-headedness, but emotion betrayed rationality.
She sat there by the portal, defeated. She felt alone. Utterly afraid and weak too. Was there no other way? Could she not have saved Ava somehow? Why didn't she say I love you back to Ava when she could still hear her?
Then it hit her, Ava had said she loved her. Of all people, her. Beatrice. Then there were more questions. Why her? Weren't there other, better options? Why would Ava ever love her? Once the barrage of questions started, it wouldn't stop. There was a distant voice, but nothing that Beatrice could really make out. She couldn't understand anything anymore. The words in her head started getting jumbled together. She racked her brain for something to hold onto, but there wasn't anything there. She didn't even want to hold onto words, she wanted to hold onto Ava.
She was the single constant in her life the past couple of months. Everything changed so fast so often and it has gotten hard to keep up. Plans were being changed constantly and half the time, they would fall through because something happened within the OCS or with Adriel. Beatrice tried so hard to stay two steps ahead at all times, but it felt like she was three steps behind. The only thing that made her feel better was the knowledge that at least Ava was on the same page as her.
She thought she envied Ava sometimes. She envied her ability to keep calm and to crack jokes. The unwavering smile on her face at the slightest good news and her spirit through the hard times. Her confidence in who she was and what she did. They were completely different people and on paper, they would never get along, yet they couldn't stay away from each other.
The more she thought, the more she realized that it wasn't envy, it was love. Those were all the things she loved about Ava. It was unmistakable. Everything about her was so unique and unlike anything Beatrice had ever encountered before. The people in the OCS weren't like her at all. That's what drew her in.
Camila and Mother Superion came rushing in, breaking her train of thought.
“Bea, are you okay?” Camila immediately asked, kneeling down to check if she was hurt.
That’s when Beatrice broke and the stolen moments and memories with Ava came rushing back.
—
—
“Bea!” Ava said, poking her head through the space between the door and the doorframe.
“Yes?”
“Do you wanna go out?”
“Pardon?”
“Like out into the city. Get out for a day to take our minds off things.”
The group had split up in the aftermath of the Vatican fight with Adriel and Beatrice had found a small apartment in Switzerland. They both got jobs at a local bar that was more like a tavern than anything else. But other than that, they'd hadn't gotten out into the city because Beatrice had insisted on keeping a low profile.
“Ava, you know that could be dangerous. We need to keep our cover and not draw any attention to ourselves.”
“We've been working full time jobs for the past three weeks at a very social place. I kinda think that if someone was looking for us, they would have found us by now.”
Beatrice had to admit that her logic was pretty good. They weren't exactly being discreet by working at a popular bar.
“Only for a couple of hours,” Beatrice said, giving in after a few minutes of contemplation.
“Yes! Amazing! You're not gonna regret this,” Ava squealed. She got up from the small table in the kitchen and kissed Bea’s cheek then practically skipped out of the room to get ready.
Beatrice’s mind immediately went into overdrive. She'd never done that before. Why’d she kiss her cheek? What did it mean? She knew Ava was straight. Right? She was totally lost. The coffee she'd been pouring started overflowing which brought her back to earth.
She started cleaning up the small mess, trying to block out every thought she'd been thinking. That was obviously unsuccessful. There were so many things to think about. What compelled Ava to do that? It seemed so random. It might have just been a sweet gesture. Beatrice knew she'd had her guard up for a while. Maybe Ava was just thankful and excited to go out exploring.
All of those questions ran through her mind during the pair’s time in the city. Ava dragged her to so many different places, it was hard to keep track. Of course, she was happily dragged all over the place. She didn't know she would like spending this kind of quality time with Ava so much. It took her off guard slightly. She would be stubborn to not admit that she might have a very small, but manageable, crush on Ava. But she thought it didn't go further than that.
However, in the art museum they went to, Beatrice found herself admiring Ava more than the art. And even as the day went on, she caught herself thinking of her companion more often than not. The day had been a wake up call. There was a lot more Beatrice wouldn't admit to herself. She knew exactly what it was, but she tried to live in ignorant bliss.
That night, when they finally returned home, the two of them collapsed on the couch together. They were laughing about a prank Ava pulled on one of the security guards at the art museum. Beatrice looked over at Ava and her head was thrown back, laughing. She had the biggest smile on her face and there were tears welling up in her eyes from laughing so much. She looked so happy with life. She looked beautiful.
Beatrice didn't want this day to end ever. She wanted to keep spending time with Ava without fear. When Ava suggested a movie, Beatrice immediately agreed. She let Ava choose of course. It was some movie she'd never heard of but the shorter girl insisted she had to watch. Half way through the movie, Ava had put her head on Bea’s lap and without thinking, Bea started running her hands through her hair. She felt Ava smile on her leg. Within the next ten minutes, the younger girl was asleep. After the movie was over Bea lightly shook Ava awake.
“Hey, it's late, I’m going to get some sleep.” Ava responded, but it was totally unintelligible. Beatrice let out a quiet laugh. “What was that?”
“I was so comfortable,” Ava grumbled just loud enough for the other to hear. Beatrice didn't know what to do. She stood there, frozen. “Come back to bed?”
And oh, there was no way Beatrice could refuse that request the way Ava said it. It sounded vulnerable and somewhat pleading. Bea wasn't good at reading Ava when they first met, but she could read her like an open book now. Ava wanted her to stay. She wanted Beatrice with her as she slept. She felt comfortable and safe with her.
“Do you want to stay on the couch or sleep on the bed for the night?”
This had been the first disagreement the two had when they first got the apartment. Beatrice had offered to take the couch so Ava could have the bed, but they argued about it for a little bit. When nightfall came on that first night, Ava had passed out on the couch and she looked so peaceful which settled that debate.
“You're offering the bed?”
Beatrice smiled. “I offer it to you all the time.” Ava mumbled something and Beatrice wasn't sure she heard her right. “Was that a yes or no to the bed?”
“Yeah.”
Beatrice helped her up off the couch and practically dragged her to the one bedroom in the apartment. She sat the smaller girl on the bed and went off to get ready for bed. After a couple of minutes, she heard a stir and then Ava got ready with her. It felt so natural. They moved around each other like they'd been winding down together for years. Beatrice didn't think too hard about it. They were both tired and wanted to get to bed.
Ava snuggled under the blankets while Beatrice turned her bedside lamp on and grabbed her book. She opened it to start reading, but Ava was more or less glaring at her.
“What?” Beatrice asked.
“You're reading?”
“It's what I do before bed.”
Ava closed the book and reached over Beatrice to put it back on the nightstand. “Just try to get some sleep tonight. I don't want you to overwork yourself.”
“It's a leisure book,” she lied.
Ava made a disapproving noise. “You've been working on translating that book for two weeks now. Don't lie to me.” She's been caught. To be fair to herself, she really did enjoy the work she did. She found it fascinating.
“You can take a day off, you know that, right?” Bea nodded in response. “Bea,” Ava said, tilting her head.
“Ava.”
Ava was still propped up half way above Beatrice. “Can you try to relax with me tonight?”
It was rapidly becoming harder and harder to say no to Ava. She could barely do it anymore. “I’ll try. I make no promises, though.”
Ava flashed that incredible smile of hers. She leaned over again and turned off the lamp. She got situated under the blankets. “Goodnight Bea.”
“Goodnight Ava.”
It came as a shock to no one that Ava fell asleep first. Beatrice fought the urge to read for thirty minutes before fully relaxing. As much as she could with Ava next to her anyway. She could feel each breath that the other girl took. She was all too aware of every small movement Ava made. Soon after Beatrice closed her eyes to try to fall asleep, Ava threw her arm over her roommate's torso. It wasn't unwelcome, but it caught her off guard completely. Ava seemed to do that a lot though, so it shouldn't have been surprising. Beatrice quietly freaked out about it, but once she regained her composure, she was able to drift off to sleep.
When she woke up in the morning, she felt Ava’s arms wrapped around her waist and their legs tangled together. She didn't move for a little bit and she soon clocked Ava’s uneven breathing, signaling that she was awake. However, neither of them moved from where they were and were both more than happy to stay like that for longer
—
Beatrice didn't get jealous. She never had a reason to. She was normally happy for everyone unconditionally. Of course there were times where she didn't think people deserve something, but that wasn't jealousy. But by God and everything that was good, she couldn't stand to see the one blond, muscular, regular go to the counter and chat with Ava. Something about him rubbed her the wrong way and it didn't sit right with her to see Ava engaging with him and spurring the conversation on.
There were two ways she dealt with this. The first thing she would try was to ignore Ava completely during her shift. No looking, no talking, no nothing. She focused on her work for the OCS or for managing the bar. If that failed, she resorted to glaring holes into the back of the guy’s head. Sometimes even at Ava. She just didn't know what to do. All of these feelings she had were so complicated. She loved seeing Ava happy, but she wanted Ava to be happy with her.
Maybe she was a bit clingy and a bit overprotective, but she didn't know how to handle this. One time, she went over to the bar and “accidently” bumped into him which may or may not have caused him to spill his drink on himself. She played it off and helped him clean it up, but Ava knew better than that. When she confronted her about it, Beatrice simply said that she thought he was hiding something.
Instead of hanging around to watch Ava laugh and have a good time with blondie, Beatrice went upstairs to check inventory. After ten or so minutes of looking around, she recognized the footsteps trotting upstairs. Without turning around, she knew it was Ava.
“Whatcha doing?” Ava asked nonchalantly.
“Working,” it came off a little harsher than she intended it to, but she couldn't take it back.
“Oh. Do you need any help?”
“Aren't you still on the clock?”
“Yeah, but you looked pissed so I came to check on you.”
Beatrice marked something on her notepad before putting it up and turning to face Ava. “You should chat up the customers less.”
Ava looked a bit taken aback. “I’m doing research. We have no idea what's going on outside of our little bubble. Information is important if you don't know.”
“And how much information are you getting from the blond?”
“Excuse me?!”
“Or are you just talking to him because he’s easy on the eyes?”
Ava scoffed. “Easy on the eyes? Bea what are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”
“You're just jealous.”
Beatrice paused. She racked her brain for an excuse. “That's absurd.” She mentally kicked herself after that. That's the best I could come up with? Really?
“There's nothing to be jealous about, Bea. You're not going to lose me.”
Yeah, as a friend. “We don't even know who he is.”
“If you actually believed me when I said I was doing research, I would have explained who he is because it's actually useful.” Beatrice didn't reply so Ava kept on going. “He said he's a part of a group that fights against Adriel…” She said more, but most of it went through one ear and out the other.
“Hey, Bea. Are you okay?”
Beatrice snapped out of her daze. “Uh, yeah, just stressed I suppose.”
“Wanna talk?”
“I think I’m just going to go home and rest.”
“Oh, alright,” Ava responded. Beatrice could tell that she was disappointed and knew something was up.
“I’ll talk about it later.”
Ava nodded. “I’ll see you at home.” She went back downstairs to finish her shift and Beatrice was left alone.
They never talked about it.
—
Beatrice knew she'd been ignoring Ava. Not of purpose. Not really anyway. Well. It's debatable if it was on purpose or not. That's not the point though. She hadn't had a meaningful conversation with Ava in a week, since she accused her of being jealous. It was clear to Beatrice that it was affecting Ava and she felt horrible. Yes, she was totally on purpose ignoring Ava, but it's also because she didn't know how to deal with everything.
When Ava got home from work, she immediately went to shower without eating dinner or saying hi to Bea. That's when Beatrice knew this was getting really bad. She had to do something but she didn't know what. So she waited until Ava changed and came out to the couch.
“Can I take the bed tonight?” Ava asked. No “hi,” no “how was your day,” just that.
“Oh, sure.”
“Ok. Great. I’m exhausted so I’m just gonna go to sleep. ‘Night Bea.”
“Wait, Ava,” Bea said, lightly grabbing her forearm. She made no move to get out of the grasp, but she didn't look back. “We should talk.”
“Now you want to?”
Ava’s words hurt, but she deserved it. “I need to apologize.”
“Do you know what you're apologizing for?”
“For ignoring you and for not listening and for being stubborn.”
Ava sighed and turned into the kitchen and sat in one of the chairs. “I just don't understand where all of this came from. It feels like you just snapped. Like you're sick of me.”
“No, Ava, I couldn't never get sick of you. I’m far from sick of you. You're all I could think about all week.” She didn't mean for the last part to slip out, but it did. “I just didn't know how to talk to you.”
“Why?”
That was the question Beatrice couldn't answer. There was no way to answer it without giving herself away. “Because you’re putting yourself in danger and it’s scaring me.” That's the best she could come up with. She waited for Ava to respond, but no words came. “You don't think before you act and you've been in more and more situations you can't get out of and you're sweeping up everyone with you whether they want to help you or not.”
Beatrice had no idea how the conversation turned into this, but there was no going back.
“I didn't ask for this, you know.” Ava was already on the verge of tears. “I didn't want to die then come back to life again! I didn't want to kill demons for the Catholic fucking church! I’m doing the best I can and no one cares about how I feel!”
A sob tore through Ava. She backpedaled to the couch and sat down, putting her head in her hands. As soon as Ava sat down, Beatrice was at her side.
“Ava, I’m sorry. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m tired of people worrying about me. I feel like a burden,” Ava said through tears.
“Oh, Ava. Come here.” Beatrice opened her arms and Ava collapsed into her, holding onto her for dear life. “You're not a burden. I care about you not because I’m forced to, but because you mean something to me.” She paused. “You mean a lot more to me than you believe.”
They sat there like there for a couple of minutes. Ava cried into Bea’s chest and Beatrice held her like it was a life or death situation. When Ava got up, tears were streaming down her face and instinctively, Beatrice wiped them away with her sleeve. Ava smiled at her for what felt like the first time in years. Beatrice gave a soft smile back and pulled Ava into a hug. There were so many things Bea wanted to tell Ava, but she couldn't bring herself to do so.
—
After being in Madrid with the rest of the OCS for a couple of weeks, Ava started having nightmares. She didn't tell Bea at all. Beatrice was stunned to see how violent and borderline traumatizing they were. They were having a movie night and Ava had fallen asleep in her arms. She was on the verge of falling asleep herself, but Ava woke up screaming bloody murder, sobbing, and shaking. She was paralyzed, the only movements she was making was the shaking. She was hyperventilating and she wouldn't look at Bea.
“Ava,” Bea said, just to see if her attention would shift to her. It didn't. “You're safe, everything's okay. You're in Madrid.” Ava whimpered, but Beatrice’s words seemed to help a bit. “It was a nightmare Ava. What you saw wasn't real. You're here and I’m with you.”
It took a couple more minutes of Beatrice quietly talking Ava down for the crying to stop. There was still panic in her eyes, but not as much fear. Ava had been sitting up, but she was exhausted and collapsed into Bea’s arms once more.
“I’m so tired,” Ava whispered.
“I can imagine. You've been running around Europe for a while without a break. You need something consistent.”
“You're consistent.” Beatrice sat there, Ava in her arms, shocked. She looked down at the girl who was now looking up at her. “You've been nothing but good to me, Bea. Each time we switch apartments, I can call it home because you're there.”
Beatrice visibly turned red. She broke eye contact with Ava even though she rarely backed down from it. “I- Ava, that's incredibly sweet.”
“You're kind of dense sometimes,” Ava managed to chuckle out.
“What?”
“I feel like you either don't know how much I care about you or you choose to ignore it.” Beatrice was about to respond before Ava continued. “But I think it’s because you won't let yourself be cared about which is upsetting because you deserve the world.”
“I don’t really know what to say.”
“You don't need to say anything. I just need you to know that I,” Ava sighed, composing herself. “I really fucking care about you, Bea. You're the best thing that's happened to me.”
She wanted to say something. Absolutely anything. But nothing would come out. Her brain was scrambling to try to put everything that's happened with them together but there were so many pieces to the puzzle.
“You're a loud thinker,” Ava said.
Beatrice shook her head. “Pardon?”
“I can just tell when you're thinking and trying to figure something out.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“It’s good,” Ava answered honestly.
Beatrice nodded. She gave up on trying to put two and two together because she wasn't getting four. “How are you feeling?”
“A lot better.”
“What was the dream about? If you don't mind me asking.”
Ava sighed. Before she even started talking, her eyes filled with tears again. “I saw Camille and Lilith…And you. All of you had turned against me and were working with Adriel.” She was crying by now. “And you were saying the most vile and cruel and hurtful things to me. Saying that I would be better off paralyzed and that I made everything worse.” She rushed through the last part.
Beatrice’s heart broke. Of all of the things she thought about Ava, she thought none of those things. “You're so important to me Ava. None of those things have ever crossed my mind.”
“I know that, but I can't get the words out of my head.”
“I wish you could see yourself from my point of view,” Beatrice said quietly. She wanted Ava to hear, but she wasn't going to be able to say it louder.
Ava smiled so softly. Beatrice didn't think she'd ever seen it before. Maybe once, but not any more. It was the type of smile that set her heart in flames. She saw it, and everything else faded away. Everything else except Ava became background noise.
“Can we stay like this tonight?” Ava asked.
“Of course,” Bea replied, smiling.
Beatrice’s head was propped up against the arm of the couch and her legs were sprawled out on the rest of the sofa. Ava was on top of her and wrapped her arms around her torso. She laid her head on Bea’s chest and naturally, their legs intertwined. Beatrice had no idea what to do, but eventually, one of her hands rested on the small of Ava’s back and the other one traced patterns along her arm.
This could rival Heaven, Beatrice thought.
“Comfortable?” Ava asked through a smile.
“More than,” Beatrice hummed.
It wasn't like the first night they'd slept next to each other. There was no more awkwardness between the two of them. There was no tension, no worries. Just bliss. In the morning, when both of them were awake, neither one made a move to get up, but both knew the other was awake and somehow, both knew the other was grinning from ear to ear.
—
Beatrice felt like a fool. She knew Ava was keeping something from her, but she let it slide anyway. Now she was throwing herself into the most dangerous situation she's ever been in without any backup.
“Ava, you can't go alone.”
“I have to. It's the only way.”
“We both know it's not the only way. I could go with you as backup. Adriel will be at a disadvantage that way. There has to be-” Before she could finish her ramble, she felt Ava's lips on hers.
She couldn't comprehend what was happening at first. Ava was kissing her. To be more specific, Ava kissed her, not the other way around. The girl she loved felt the same way, or at least similarly. Ava Silva, Warrior Nun, one of the most important and powerful yet kindhearted, goofy, and incredible people in the world, felt something for her.
She'd been kissed before. When she was a lot younger, before she joined the OCS. It had felt wrong, dirty even. When a boy first kissed her, she immediately knew it was just not right. She practically ran away after it happened. When a girl first kissed her, it felt natural, but still wrong. There was something that blocked her from wanting any of that. Both times it had been initiated by the other person.
But my God, kissing Ava felt right. For the first time in her life, she allowed herself to be kissed and she allowed herself to enjoy it. It was simple and oh so sweet. Beatrice knew that this was supposed to happen, it was a prophecy coming true. It was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. It was like she truly, wholeheartedly, completely belonged here. It felt like coming home.
“I’ll be back. I promise,” Ava said, a tear rolling down her cheek. Beatrice couldn't do anything other than wipe the tear with her thumb and nod her head. Ava smiled at her and phased through the ground. Beatrice stood there, Ava still lingering on her lips.
—
—
Beatrice sat there, in front of the portal, in Camila’s arms, sobbing. There was nothing left to do but wait for Ava. She'd wait for Ava forever. But Beatrice knew her and she knew Ava would keep her promise.