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There's something about first times that are always memorable. It might not be a good memory, but the firsts always set a milestone of something, whether you want it or not. Some firsts are more talked about than others. Throughout life, some will make their appearance. First steps, first words, first days, first broken bone, first love, first heartbreak, first job, first paycheck, and the list goes on.
In relationships, some others firsts get their spotlight. First impression, first date, first time holding hands, first touch, first kiss, THAT first time, first "I love you", first fight...
But there is one first time not talked about enough. And maybe, if people had, Katsuki would have dealt better with it. Maybe.
And that is the first time you poop in front of your childhood friend/bullee/rival/best friend/Partner.
Yeah. Gross.
And you know what's worse than being gross? It's that it is vulnerable as fuck.
And that's how Katsuki felt. Exposed. In more ways than others.
It happened shortly after graduation, in his late nineteens. He had suffered a(nother) bad injury in the lieu of work, and even though that was not one of his worst injuries ever (considering he took a blast that literally killed him), it was definitely the most annoying, because this time, it was on his spine.
He knew that if it wasn't for the healing quirks, he would have most likely lost his movements from the neck below because even with them, he would still need extensive care and a lot of physiotherapy sessions before he was back on the job again.
And while he was at the hospital, it was fine(ish). He was already used to having that awkward moment with the nurses while they assist him in the bathroom and they wait for him to poop so they know his body is functioning well and he was ready to leave.
What he wasn't used to was needing assistance even AFTER he left the hospital. And that was where he founded himself now.
He knew he needed help. His body was still slow to respond to his commands and still too weak to get ahold of itself. He could barely sit straight for a minute without feeling extreme pain and fatigue.
He knew he needed help, and that frustrated him to no end. Because this wasn't learning to ask for help when he's having a hard time at school or work. No. This is asking for help in existing. He hated it. He hated it. He hated it. He-
"Son?"
The calm voice of his father called him back to himself. "Hm?" He didn't meet his eyes, instead choosing to keep them focused on the carpet of their living room.
"Are you okay?"
Katsuki sighed. He hated that question, always did, and he honestly thinks he always will. "Yeah, 'm fine." They both knew it was a lie. Katsuki could feel the tears that had started to accumulate at the corner of his eyes, just the same as Masaru could see them.
"You're sure?" This was Katsuki's last chance. Masaru always asked twice, and never more.
He opened his mouth to lie, but then- "I need to go to the bathroom." He whispered, hoping to not be heard. But the living room was quiet, so his wish was not answered.
"Oh, okay," Masaru put his book down and started to get up when Katsuki started, "no, I-". The blond didn't finish his sentence, but his dad understood. "Your mom then?" He asked, more out of courtesy because he knew the answer would also be a fat, "No."
They remained in silence for a bit, until the man spoke again. "You can't go on your own, son."
He had wanted to fight back, yell that YES HE CAN, but who was he kidding? His mom had to help feed him that morning because holding the chopstick was too much of an effort. So he settled for not saying anything.
"Do you want me to call him?"
Katsuki shook his head slowly. Still hurt a little. “He’s on patrol right now.”
“Then let u-”
“NO!” He didn’t mean to yell. “Fuck- I- No. I can do it on my own.” He took a deep breath and pressed the control buttons on his wheelchair, maneuvering it out of the living room into the downstairs bathroom. Ridiculous, he thought, that he needed an electric wheelchair to cross 5 meters because he couldn’t use a normal one. Because he couldn’t walk. He felt his eyes burning again, not sure if from pain or anger, frustration, sadness, or fear. Maybe all of the above. Probably all of the above.
He could feel his dad’s gaze burning through the back of his neck, but he wouldn’t spare him a glance, because he didn’t need his pity or his worry. He was fine. He was alive, after all, and he could feel and move every bit of his body, which was already a win considering what happened. And he’s experienced far more pain than this. So yes, he was fine, and he would be great in a moment. He can pull through this just fine. He can. He will.
And that’s the mantra he kept on repeat in his head as he stretched behind him to close the door, ignoring the way his muscles yelled at him for demanding that (little) much. He kept that as a mantra and he pushed his chair into the bathroom, stopping in front of the toiled. He kept it as a mantra as he breathed in and out, getting a hold of his muscles, feeling them, and checking his feet, knees, hips, lower back, neck, shoulders, and arms. Trying to send the signal that “hey, you have work to do now”.
But even with all the preparation, with all the previous notice, his body failed. When he put his feet on the floor, presses the armrest of the wheelchair, and pushed himself up, it was like being hit by one of Kaminari’s strongest hits. His whole body convulsed and he fell face down the toiled, hitting his chin on the sit and biting his tongue, the chair rolling out of his reach.
He felt the taste of blood in his mouth, and, just like that, the dam broke. He started crying, holding on to the toilet while still on his knees, with no energy to change positions whatsoever, even though it was extremely uncomfortable on his legs. Fuck, it was so pathetic. Why did this happen to him? Why is it always to him? Is this some kind of karmic bulshit? Is the universe punishing him for all the sins of his past? Izuku forgave him, but the harm was done, there was no doubt of that. It was there every time Deku doubted himself, every time his anxiety crawled under his skin in a room full of people and he needed reassurance that he’d be okay. It was there . So maybe it was only fair that the universe punished him, but… Until when? He had thought he had paid his debt to the universe before. He was starting to feel worthy of Izuku’s admiring gaze. But if this was the universe saying that he didn’t deserve it, then… And what if he never gets better? What it this pain never goes away? What if he can never do anything on his own again? Is a life of depending on others what expects him in the future? A life of being useless to people? Ha. Funny. Maybe it truly is karma. He spent years calling someone perfect of useless, and now he’s useless himself. And he wished he was braver to say he’d take that life. But he’s had his share of being brave. No, he’d rather die than live like that. He knows that is way better than this. Less scary. He knows. He’s died before.
“It’s okay. You’ll be okay” Izuku’s voice soothed him.
Wait… When did Izuku get here?
“It’s okay, you can cry. It’s okay.” His voice was soft and reassuring, as always. Always a hero. “Let it out, Kacchan. It’s alright. Just remember to breathe, okay? Yeah, that’s it.”
He might not know the answer to when Izuku got there but it didn’t matter. Izuku was there, and that was enough. He had him in his lap, with his legs straightened, his back supported by his right arm, while his left hugged him and massaged his members softly. The massage helped with the pain, he realized. Of course, it did. Izuku knew how to care for a sore body better than anyone else.
It took a while for Katsuki to stop crying and for his breathing to even out. And it was just then that he tried to speak. He wanted to ask “why are you here”, but his mind was still tired and didn’t give a shit about what he wanted. What his mind wanted to know, no - what his heart wanted to know, was what he was mulling over a while ago.
“What ’f I never walk again?”
Izuku raised his hand to his forehead, gently pushing his hair back from his now sweaty forehead, then kissing it softly. “Don’t be silly. You will walk again. And run. And fight.”
“‘m weak.”
“No, you’re not. You’re the strongest person I know. Besides, you got out of the hospital yesterday night, give yourself time, okay? You will be on your best self in no time, you’ll see.” All the while that he spoke, his lips never strayed too far away from his sweet sweaty skin, the feeling of his breath and the soft brush of his lips giving Katsuki something to focus on instead of the lump in his throat.
“This fucking sucks.”
“I know. It really does. But I’m here with you, and we’ll go through it together, okay? I won’t leave your side again.”
That sounded nice. But… “You have to work,” Katsuki didn’t mean it as a whine, but that’s how it got out, and he realized that he was mad that Izuku was at work without him. And not for the reasons he would have thought - for example, that Izuku was once again getting ahead of him and he was getting stuck behind. No. It was simply the reason that he wanted Izuku there, all the time, not leaving his side, just like he said.
“No, I won’t. I’m taking time off until you’re better.”
Katsuki opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized they were closed. “What? Why?”
“Isn't it obvious?” He smiled, “You’re my partner,” and gently cupped Katsuki’s cheek in his hand, “and we fight battles together. And right now, this is the one we’re focusing on, okay?”
He looked at Izuku who was still in his hero uniform, smelling of sweat and street food. I love you, the words came to mind. But he didn’t say them. He didn’t like saying them when he was distressed. He always chooses to wait until the storm is passed and they say them, and show them.
So, instead of saying those three words, he just said a quiet and complacent “okay.” Because there was no fighting Izuku. Not on stuff like this. He was too stubborn once he’s made up his mind about something. And besides, he really didn’t want to. No word he tried to get out of his mouth to convince Izuku to not take time off work would genuine because he wouldn’t mean any of them. He wanted him there. Because he was scared, and the only thing that could possibly make him feel safe was that trainwreck of a person. “Don’t leave.”
“I won’t.” Izuku hugged him tighter, just enough to reassure him without hurting him. The pressure, to Katsuki’s surprise, was actually comforting.
They remained quiet for a few more seconds, until, suddenly, Katsuki’s belly made a noise.
Katsuki widened his eyes, embarrassed. The fear and shame that came for the reminder of why he was on the bathroom floor in the first place settled in his chest.
“I’m assuming that is not because you’re hungry, is it?” Izuku quirked his brow.
Katsuki could feel his face get red. “Fuck you. I take it back. Go away. I don’t need you.”
Izuku smiled, understanding. “No, don’t be like that. You know I’ve been there too. My mom had to help me a few times. Now, let’s get you up, okay?”
Katsuki could feel the tears coming up to his eyes again. He wanted to scream, fight this, fight the world, fight god. But he couldn’t do any of that. So he just remained quiet and let Izuku maneuver him with ease, even though he was a heavily muscled man without the ability to support his own weight.
Izuku opened the toiled lid, got him up, and sat him down. Every movement hurt, but it was bearable now. Making sure Katsuki’s steady on the toilet, he let him go. Not looking at him in the eyes, knowing it would only make it worse for him, Izuku announced. “I’m gonna lower your pants now, okay.”
After his small confirmation nod, Izuku carefully pulled the waist of his sweatpants and underwear, “Wait, lemme just-” he leaned forward, held Katsuki under his armpit, lifted him up a little, and finished pulling his pants with the other hand.
And like that, Katsuki found himself sitting on the toilet, pants down on his ankles, in front of his childhood friend/bullee/rival/best friend/Partner. “You can leave now.” He stared down at his underwear.
Izuku made a face. It was empathy, he noticed. “I’m sorry, Kacchan. I can’t. If your upper body was strong, I would. I swear. But you’ll need help to-”
“No. Absolutely not. Get out! There’s no way I’m shitting in front of you and having you clean up my butt after it. So fuck off!”
Izuku chuckled. “Kacchan, I’ve shoved my tongue down your butthole before.”
“Hah??? That’s not the fucking same!”
“What I’m saying is that it’s no big deal.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No. It’s not. I promise. In sickness and health, right?”
Katsuki's fighting left his body completely at that, and instead, an overwhelming wark feeling took over him, and he laughed. “We’re not married, you idiot,” he said affectionately.
Izuku shrugged. “Yet. Can’t see why I can’t live by those vows already if that’s what I plan to do anyway. Besides, you’d the same for me.”
The words fell between like a lifeboat on a troubled sea. Finally a sense of hope, of safety. Katsuki took a deep breath and blinked his tears away. “Okay, fuck, fine.” And that was the green card for Izuku to step closer and support his upper body to help him be comfortable. Because after you stay hospitalized and in bed for a while, your intestines get all fucked up, and shitting is well… shit. It doesn’t come easy, and it usually demands a lot of effort. Effort he knew that if he made it without support, he would probably fall.
“Thanks for trusting me.”
Katsuki looked up, blinding his eyes with the bathroom light on purpose. “Please don’t fucking talk to me. Canes don’t talk, remember?”
Izuku giggled. Yeah, he remembered. Even after all those years, he remembered. “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
They remained in silence, apart from the sounds that Katuki’s body would involuntarily produce and the toiled water. It was then that Kastuki remembered this weird article in one of Mina’s magazines that said “If You Can't Poop in Front of Your Partner, Is It Even Love?” He had laughed at it at the time. Called it bulshit. But now he got it. And he got it on an even deeper level.
Having Izuku not just there in front of him, but actually helping him, was the most vulnerable and raw feeling he has ever experienced. It was more vulnerable than the first time he opened his heart wide to Izuku. More than the first time they kissed. More vulnerable than the first ‘I love you’ he said. More vulnerable than the first when he opened himself to Izuku, sould and body.
He now understood the weight of that phrase, “in sickness and health” that Izuku said just earlier. He thought he knew already, given how many injuries they had to overcome together. How many sleepless nights they had over night terrors. How many fevers they had to cool down. How many backs rubs they had to do when the other was puking due to bad panic attacks or even that one time Izuku had food poisoning.
He really thought he did. And in part, it was true. But this was something else. And he couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone else even at gunpoint.
But he knew now. And he also knew with his hear, body and soul, that he was 100% ready to say those words back to Izuku in what he hoped would be really, really soon now.
Izuku went back to his house shortly after that only to get a bag of clothes and other items, and install himself in the Bakugou’s residence as well. He put all his things in Katsuki’s room and bathroom, not bothering to occupy the guest room whatsoever. He knew he wouldn’t use it.
Later, while helping him to get into his pajamas and ready for bed. Katsuki noticed an amused look on his face “What?” Katsuki demanded.
“What what?”
“Why are you smiling?”
Izuku chuckled, “'cause I knew there was something. You couldn’t be that perfect.”
Katsuki frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean that, well, you’re amazing! You’re smart, you’re beautiful, you’re loyal, you’re funny in your own way, you’re a good cook, a good drummer, a good dancer, a great hero, a great friend, a-”
“Yeah yeah, I get it.”
“Okay, so yeah. You’re amazing. But no one can be that perfect, so I knew you had to have a flaw. And I found out that that is today.”
He was hesitant to ask, but he did it anyway, already preparing the sparkles on his hand, not caring if his arms would hurt later if he let them up. “And that is?”
“Your poop stinks a lot.”
-
When Mitsuki and Masaru heard the explosion from downstairs, followed by laughter, they smiled at each other, relieved.
They knew Katsuki would be okay.