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"Ladiiiiies and gentlemen, I see some slutty faces in here tonight~ Welcome, welcome to Ozzies!"
Fizzarolli basked in the cheers and applause as he slid his way down the ceiling platform and onto the stage. There he performed his usual repitoire of contortion and advertising the Robo-Fizz dolls, as well as getting a big hand for king of the whole realm who sat in his own private balcony away from the crowd. Those glowing green eyes didn't so much as twitch at the audience's attention, his sole focus on the energetic imp on stage.
Fizz shot him a discreet wink, then turned his attention to the crowd. He had to admit he was excited, he'd been practicing this Bit for over a week now and it was time to let it loose.
After he was done announcing the acts, he began to stride along the catwalk "But while those acts are warmin' up, who feels like a good laugh?"
The crowd instantly cheered their assent. Fizzarolli cocked a hand to his ear, like he was trying to hear.
"I'm sorry, was that a yes? I couldn't hear you over how famous I am!"
The crowd hollered their eagerness, some all out roaring and pounding the tables for Fizz and he lapped it up like the hellcat who got the intestines. Oh fuck yeah, this was gonna be a good night!
Laughing at their undisguised simping he raised his hands in a quieting motion "Alright, alright, shut the fuck up you thirsty simps before they hear ya in Heaven! Because trust me" he grinned darkly, his turning his dashing clown face into a sinister mask "This tale ain't for any of those pompous pansy-ass prudes!"
"FUCK YEAH! YOU SAID IT, FIZZAROLLI!"
"Thanks, guy! Now to begin our story-"
"I LOVE YOU, FIZZAROLLI! I LOVE YOU!!!"
"Yeah, okay, just cool your jets there Annie Wilkes, I'm tryna do a show here. Anyway, to begin our story-"
"I BOUGHT ANOTHER ROBO FIZZ, FIZZAROLLI! THATS MY FIFTH ONE!"
"DAMMIT JESSE I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP THAT CREEP OUTTA HERE?!"
Tapping his foot impatiently, he waited until the Robo-Fizz Creep was unwillingly escorted out by security "Jeez. That guy had one job, am I right?"
Once the answering titters died down he continued walking down the catwalk "But as I was saying-NOBODY INTERRUPT ME!...OKAY!-I got a good one for y'all, but I gotta start off by asking ya one little question: What am I?"
He threw his arms out and arched his back, the bells from his hat chiming as they dangled inches from the ground. He waited as the crowd murmured uncertainly amongst themselves, expecting a trick, until one brave soul piped up:
"Sex on legs?"
Fizz sniggered. Of course "No!"
"Horny incarnate?!"
"Close but no!"
"My future husband?!"
"Definitely no! Alright, y'know what? Guessing games over I'm just gonna tell ya" he righted himself and pointed a hand at his pale white face "I'm an imp! Dumbasses!
"Yeah, yeah, I get it nobody ever wants to talk about imps, imps are boring, imps are dumb, imps aren't sexy, well first of all: FUCK YOU. And second of all, theres something else that imps are, who wants to guess what that is?"
Nobody dared make a sound. Fizz grinned "We're short!
"Now, you're probably wondering where the fuck I'm going with this and don't worry, this is gonna get real good real fast, but first I wanna talk about what being a teeny tiny little imp is like in a realm filled with all you tall fuckers: it's fucking annoying!
"Everything's catered to you lanky giants! Furniture! Clothes! Sex toys! I wanna by myself a decent vibrator I gotta go to the kids section of Lilith's Secret! You ever had to buy yourself a fuckin' vibrator that comes with a free lollipop?! I have! And they're sugar free, they taste like shit!"
As expected that gained the jester a few laughs. Glowing with the satisfaction of a job well started, Fizz turned on the catwalk and started making his way back to the stage.
"But that ain't even the worst thing, the worst thing is when you're an imp like me: a little imp in a tall demons world. Everybody-literally everybody! Is taller than me! Even the imp security guy outside's got half a head on me I mean what the fuck, Jesse? It's bad enough ya let the Robo-Fizz Creep in here, now ya gotta literally look down on me, too?!"
At the entrance of the club Jesse, on his break, flipped him off. Fizz blew him a kiss "Aaah, ya know ya love me really! At least thats what ya said in the coat closet at last year's Krampus party, while ya boyfriend was snorting coke offa an incubus' ass, ahahaha!...Eh, don't feel bad for him, they made up, I know because I was the filling in that particular devils sandwich, eheheheh! But I digress!
"The worst thing about working with a bunch of tall bastards, is working with them. Y'all tall douchebags, you go up to talk to a colleague, it's fine, ya just talk about after work orgies and shit, I go up to talk to my fuckin' co-workers, it's a sex crime! I look up at them and suddenly it's helloooo dick! Hellooooo pussy! Hellooo oh shit, Verosika, you need to make friends with a ten gallon tub of wax STAT!"
Laughing with the crowd now, Fizzarolli wagged a raised finger "Never actually say that to a succubus, by the way, cuz they will strangle you. Fuck me, that was an experience, I didn't even know Succubi pubes could do that!"
Another round of laughter had Fizz bubbling with excitement. Sure, they weren't the gut busting cackles he usually pulled out of the dried but that was okay. Like any good showman, he was saving the best for last. . He twirled the mike in his hand, tossed it in a cartwheel, and then brought it back to his mouth.
"Okay, now, I know I complained a lot about being little, it's fucking hard! It's annoying! It gets in the way when I'm tryna score with a date and I can't get to the bedroom because he's got a fucking baby gate on the stairs! BUT!" he held up one finger, and lowered his voice to create suspense "There is one, just one thing, that makes it aaaall better, and that thing can be summed up with one single word:
"Impophobia"
He waited for the reaction, then nodded in understanding "Okay, I get it, some'a y'all don't know what that is because ya dropped out of Kindergarden but that's okay, I'll tell ya what it is: Impophobia, is a fear of imps"
The crowd murmured amongst themselves, clearly not believing the claim, and Fizz saw the glow of hellphones in the audience.
"Yeah, by all means look it up, I shit you not this is a real thing! Some demons are fuckin' terrified of imps purley because we're little! Nuts, right? I couldn't believe it when I found out about it but when I did, I made myself a promise" he stood up straight and placed a hand over his heart like he was wearing an oath.
"I promised myself, that if I ever, in my life, met a crazy son of a bitch with Impophobia, that I would give that sorry excuse for hell shit a goddamn reason to be afraid of our short asses!
"But I never got the opportunity...until two years ago"
Suddenly a butter smooth gut busting laugh erupted from the skies. Fizzarolli grinned and pointed to Asmodeus' balcony "Ya here that, sluts? That is the sound of Asmodeus' laughing his big blue ass off because he knows exactly what I am about to tell ya right now because that mother-fucker was there! So if ya gotta take a piss or a shit I suggest ya either hold it or make a mess in your seats because you sure as Hell do not wanna miss this!"
By now he was back at the stage, the blazing spotlight was on him, and every face was pointed in his direction, all of them eager to hear the next hilarious story Fizz was about to tell.
"So like I said, it was about two years ago, I'm getting ready for the show, y'know I'm in my dressing room, putting on my make-up, getting a blowie from my understudy who thinks I'm gonna make him the next big thing, excetera, and all of a sudden Ozzie comes into my room and this guy is so fuckin' excited he's practically bouncing outta his boots.
"'Fizzy, Fizzy!' he says ta me "Ya gotta come meet this guy, he's the manager of our first headliner and y'all just gotta come see him!'
"Now, I was a little hesitant. See, usually I don't meet the managers because, normally, they're all raging dicks. They're either classist, or homophobic, or asexual, or think they're hot shit that can look down on me. But that nights first headliner was Angel Dust, from the Pride ring-yeah, that's right boys and girls!" He nodded as the crowd Ooh-ed and whooped "That Angel Dust! Who has that shit stained rat for a manager. Valen-fucking-tino, I would not touch that prick with a ten foot pole even if that pole was tipped with fuckin' terminal AIDs!
"And Ozzie knows this so of course I'm confused, so I say to him 'Why the fuck would I wanna do that, I wouldn't touch Valentino with a ten foot pole even if that pole was tipped with fuckin' terminal AIDs!'
"Then Ozzie smiles, and he comes over to me and he says this: 'Fizzy. The guy is terrified of imps!"
"I have never been so happy in my life! I swear to Satan in that moment, the inside of my pants turned completely white! My entire existence has been leading to this moment and I am fuckin' ready for it! Do ya wanna know what I fuckin' did next ya filthy whores?!"
The crowd screamed for him and Fizzarolli threw back his head and laughed "You can bet your sweet asses I went to go and meet that rat-infested prick! Me and Ozzie, we make our way down to his office and we're both just giggling like little girls, shit Ozzie doesn't even know what I'm gonna do yet but by fuck did he know it was gonna be good!
"And it was. Dare I say, it was one of my proudest moments both as a man, and as an imp! I walked up to Ozzies office, I opened that door, Valentino's sittin' on the couch next to Angel, and I ran at his scrawny rat ass at full speed, latched onto his leg,
"And I just start humpin'!"
The crowd completely lost their minds, demons fell from chairs and tears flew as rich, gut busting laughter shook the foundations of the club and Fizzarolli was laughing with them, clutching his stomach as he tried to catch his breath.
"And Valentino-!" he fell forward as a merciless wheeze overtook him, he slapped his knee and forced himself to stand "Holy fuckin' shit, Valentino! I don't know what to call the noise that came outta him but it was what I imagine a kettle sounds like when it's gettin' fucked by a horny teenager, it was like AIEEEEE! EEEE! EEEE! EEEE! He was screamin' like a little girl and he falls on his ass, tryna kick me off but I said Fuck That, y'all've seen these arms and legs, once I got these bad boys wrapped around something there ain't no gettin' me off! I held onto that leg like it was a goddamn rodeo bull and fucked it like it was the last hooker in Hell!
"And now Val's screaming louder, he's screaming 'GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME! DONT LET IT EAT MY DICK, OZZIE!
"Bahahaha! I didn't even know we did that! Y'know what, I shoulda done it, I probably would've gotten the most signed ThankYou card in all of Hell! Anyway I'm still goin' at the leg, laughing like a madman, and Rat-Fucker starts screamin' at Ozzie and Angel to help him, but y'know what Ozzie and Angel were doing?
"Bitches, they were on the fuckin' floor! They were not breathing! I don't think I've seen two sex maniacs laugh that hard since No Nut November became a thing! Anyway eventually I let the poor pussy go and he runs like I'm about to go for his ass next, and ya know what I yelled out as he was leaving?"
Fizzarolli threw his head back, stretched his arms out, and bellowed for the whole club to hear:
"FEAR THE LITTLE PEOPLE YOU RAT FACED FUCK!"
The screaming hysterics after that last line lasted for several minutes. Fizz waited for it to die down to a dull roar and took his bow.
"That's all from me tonight, you sorry sack of simps, it was a pleasure to make you spunk in your seats. Now, whose ready for tonight's first act?!"