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It was late that night, Charlie was staying at a friend’s house, Joey and Henry were asleep. Jen was sitting on the couch, quiet.
“I’m gonna go sleep in the guest house tonight.” Said Ben, without even looking at Jen.
Jen didn’t bother responding to that. They hadn’t slept in the same bed in weeks. Ben didn’t even acknowledge her existence, unless Joey was crying or needed her diaper changed.
As Ben closed the door behind him, Jen heaved a sigh of relief. She poured herself a glass of wine. She sat down on the couch. A letter was waiting for her on the coffee table.
It had been a year since she had last seen Judy in Mexico. A year since she hadn’t had the courage to read the letter she had left her. It was too much for her. For months, her heart was overwhelmed with grief. She tried to read it a bunch of time, but she’d end up bursting into tears right after the first sentence.
But it was time. She took a sip of wine, leaned back on the couch and gently opened the letter.
“Dear Jen,
This is really hard for me to do. I don’t even know where to start.
This was all she had been able to read this past year.
First of all, I’m sorry for leaving like that. I know this isn’t ideal, but it was the only way. I don’t want your last memory of me to be a corpse, lying in a hospital bed, not even capable of saying one word. I don’t want you to go through that again, and I don’t want the kids to see me like that. I want you to think about me the way I was when I was with you in Mexico. Fulfilled and happy. This is the person I want you to remember. I don’t want you to remember the pain and the sickness.
Tears was already rolling down Jen’s cheeks. She wished she could talk to Judy right now, tell her that she was wrong, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her, even if it was short and painful. She’d choose the pain over the emptiness any day. For weeks after Judy’s departure, Jen felt empty. Something was missing in her life, and she knew exactly what.
I want you to remember that night.
Memories started flooding. She remembered exactly what Judy was talking about.
It was three days before Judy left. They had danced all night, laughed, for a split second, they had forgotten about everything else.
Judy wanted to go on the beach before going back to the house. It was one in the morning, the beach was completely empty. All they could hear was the sound of the ocean around them. They walked on the beach, enjoying the fresh air. They didn’t feel the need to talk, all they wanted was to be next to each other.
Suddenly, Judy stopped walking. She closed her eyes, facing the ocean. Jen looked at her. Her brown hair was moving with the wind, her lips were forming a tiny smile. Her head was slightly tilted. The view was incredible. Jen couldn’t look away from that view.
“You’re looking at me, aren’t you?” Said Judy, still with her eyes closed.
“No…No I’m not” Jen started babbling, her face was probably completely red by the time Judy opened her eyes to look back at her.
“You’re not a good liar”
“Well…I’m close to getting away with murder so I’m not terrible at lying” said Jen, with a fake laugh.
Judy didn’t answer, she just smiled, looking at Jen.
…the way you kissed me that night on the beach.
Jen was the one that made the first move. She did what she had wanted to do for months but couldn’t find the courage. She kissed the brunette. The kiss was gentle but the heat quickly replaced the sweetness of the kiss.
I want you to remember the way I took your hand and guided you to the bed.
Without a word, Judy took her hand and they walked back to the house. Jen knew what was about to happen, she was nervous, but Judy knew exactly what to do to reassure her.
Jen was careful with every gesture. She knew the pain from the cancer was increasing each days, and she was terrified to make things worse.
“I’m not gonna break Jen, I’m okay” said Judy, smiling.
I want you to remember my lips on your stomach.
Jen finally managed to let go and enjoy the moment. Every gesture, ever breath, every kiss was filled with love and pleasure.
I want you to remember my body against yours.
Jen would never forget that night.
I want you to remember that next morning and you woke up curled up next to me.
The next morning, Jen woke up first. One of her arm was resting on Judy’s naked stomach and her head was buried in Judy’s hair. She gently kissed the brunette who started moving.
“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” Whispered Jen.
“No, no you didn’t.”
They stayed that way for hours, holding each other.
Judy was the one to break the silence.
“Do you…do you regret what happened last night?” She asked.
“I don’t regret a single thing” said Jen as she kissed the back of Judy’s hand.
I want you to remember all of that. That’s why I chose to leave now.
There is something I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long, but I knew that if I told you this in person, I wouldn’t be able to leave. You’re the love of my life Jen. What I feel for you…It’s incredible. I’ve never felt this way before.
I love you Jen. I’m in love with you. And I think you feel that way too. But I want to tell you one thing. You’re the love of my life, but I’m not yours. You still have your whole life in front of you, and I don’t want you to dwell on the past. I want you to be happy. I want you to fall in love with someone that deserve you, I want our kids to have a happy, fulfilled mother. You deserve a full happy life Jen. I wish I could grow old with you. I tried to hold on, I fought as hard as I could, but I’ve accepted my fate. I’m dying. I know you don’t like it when I say that but it’s the truth. I know you, and I now you won’t read that letter right away. So if you’re reading this, I’m already dead. And I want to reassure you, I might have died alone, but I didn’t die lonely. You filled the hole in my heart.
For a long time, I was lonely. But ever since I met you, that loneliness disappeared. You gave me the best gift I could ever wish for. You gave me a family. You and the boys gave me the thing I never thought I’d get : happiness.
Please tell the boys I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye. Make sure they know I love them tremendously.
And to the little girl I wish I could have met : You’re not even born yet, but I love you more than anything. You’re the luckiest person in the world because you have the strongest mom. She’ll always be here for you no matter what. She’s the best mom on earth. And I’ll always be here, watching over you and your brothers.
The love I have for you all is bigger than life and death, I’ll always be a part of you. You deserve to be happy. Don’t force anything Jen. I know I’ve been pushing you towards Ben because I wanted you to have someone to be here for you. But don’t stay with him because it’s “easy”. I think we both know that good things don’t come easily in life.
I don’t want this letter to be over, I have so many things I want to say but I’m running out of time.
Goodbye Jen.
All my love,
Judy.”
Jen wiped her tears with the back of her hand and got up. She walked to her daughter’s room. She was sleeping peacefully. Jen smiled as she touched the origami cranes from the mobile made by Judy as a surprise right before they left. Judy had found it in her room when she got back from Mexico.
“I wish your mama could see you now” whispered Jen.