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In the dead of night, Kujou Sara cannot fall asleep.
How can she, when she's plagued by the truth that bleeds her heart dry and leaves her a shell of a person she once believed she was?
It is unfortunate, but Kujou Sara is in love with Sangonomiya Kokomi.
Kujou Sara is in love with her former enemy.
Kujou Sara does not understand herself anymore.
She's in love. It makes her sick.
And she will do nothing about it.
————
With the end of the civil war, Sara begins to see Kokomi more often; sometimes for meetings and others are mere coincidences.
The unpredictability of coincidences scares Sara.
How will she ever prepare how to react if she so sees the priestess on a normal day? Why must fate be so cruel to her that she's haunted by the mere possibility that she would have to see Kokomi on any given chance?
So of course, she is always caught off guard when she hears Sangonomiya's voice calling her out at times she least expects it.
She believes it is cruel when those meetings happen in Inazuma City. How is it that her very safe space cannot hide her any longer?
"General!" Kokomi shouts. Sara stops and turns around to see the girl walking towards her. Sara sees an emotion behind her eyes, difficult to decipher, yet easy to pick up. Sara tells herself to ignore and forget.
"How have you been?" Kokomi asks. It is innocent enough, yet it burns Sara's skin as if she uttered a curse.
Sara has never been good at conversing with the divine priestess, and she fears she never will be. It's easy to think that and so she will never try to be better.
Because Kujou Sara is in love with Sangonomiya Kokomi, she will do everything to make sure nothing happens between them.
And so Sara puts her hands behind her back, forces a diplomatic smile, and reminds herself to keep her voice steady when answering.
"I am well," Sara lies, she believes it's convincing enough.
Her fists clench behind her back. "However, I am unfortunately running late to an appointment, so I cannot talk right now."
This lie is an obvious one she didn't stop to think about, and Sara can tell that Kokomi knows that. Her nails dig into her palms deeper.
"I see," Kokomi smiles–it's unnerving and Sara wants nothing more than to run away. "I suppose I'll have to catch you at a better time in the future then."
If Sara did not know better, she would have believed that Sangonomiya looks almost hopeful. It makes her want to cry.
"We will see," Sara is sure her nails have broken skin by now. So she bows as a farewell, and walks away, silently praying that their next meeting will never come.
————
Kujou Sara is not stupid.
She is not so dense that she fails to pick up Sangonomiya's curious looks out of the corner of her eye.
However, Kujou Sara will never understand what those looks mean.
If Sara dared to dream, then she would say Sangonomiya's gaze looks awfully reminiscent of the ones she read about in books of romance when she was a curious teenager.
That Sangonomiya's glances bore into her too often to be anything less than desire.
Perhaps there may be something there; something Sara will never admit she truly wants yet in the dead of night, she so desperately desires that it terrifies her.
But because Kujou Sara is not stupid enough to cling to hope, she settles on branding those looks as those of mere curiosity. Because maybe Sara is mysterious enough to warrant curiosity, but she will never be good enough to warrant love.
————
However, Kujou Sara cannot control herself. She cannot bury her desires, and that disgusts her.
Because despite the ugly feeling bubbling inside her whenever she sees the priestess, she cannot help but want to see her everywhere and see her in everything.
So she looks every time she steps outside. Tries to find any sign of the object of her desires. She would never admit it, but despite avoiding the priestess’ line of sight, she could never stop her own gaze from spotting her in a crowd of people.
And that terrifies Sara.
Because Sara does not love Kokomi normally, no. Sara loves unhealthily; she wants Kokomi to revere her like a god, wants Kokomi to feel as bad as she does, she wants to haunt Kokomi’s life the same way she does Sara’s.
Because Sara sees Kokomi as a reminder of her inadequacies. In another life, maybe that would have made Sara want to improve alongside her, but in this one, all it brings to Sara is contempt.
Because Sara is in love, but she also hates. Hates, hates, hates Kokomi for always being there, for making her hope, for making her believe things will be better, for making her want more. Sara does not deserve more. Sara cannot and should not have Kokomi.
Sara’s feelings are filthy and tainted by emotions that never should have come to the surface; her desire has gone ignored for so long that they have turned into something so ugly that it makes Sara want to vomit every time she stares at the mirror.
How could she have turned into this?
Sara will wonder that every waking moment of her life, but she will never get the answer.
She already knows after all.
It’s because she deserves it.
————
Kujou Sara is nothing if not a believer and follower of the Raiden Shogun, Electro Archon, and Goddess of Inazuma.
So it should come as no surprise that she has multiple lacquerware statues of Her Excellency, the Almighty Narukami Ogosho on her altar, all looking down at her when she gets on her knees to pray.
But while it used to bring her comfort, it only makes Sara feel small these days under their empty gazes.
She believes she deserves it.
So Sara kneels at her altar and closes her eyes. Prays desperately to her god to make her feelings cease. She begs for forgiveness for falling in love with someone she never should have. She prays, begs, and cries until her voice feels hoarse and her knees feel sore.
Sara will seek salvation despite knowing it will never be granted to her.
Because Sara believes her god is not listening to her pleas; Sara's god does not listen to sinners and Sara's god does not forgive traitors like her.
After all, if her god could hear her desperation, shouldn’t she be suffering no longer?
Yet praying is all Sara can do, so she will continue to beg until her body becomes too tired to even desire peace of mind.
————
In the dead of night, Kujou Sara cannot fall asleep.
She cannot help but think of Kokomi. It is difficult not to, not when so many of Sara's regrets are related to her.
Sara will never admit her feelings out loud; it would make them all too real and Sara has never wanted to confront reality any less than now.
So Sara thinks, and thinks, and thinks until her head is only filled with thoughts of Kokomi that Sara cannot help but envision a life where she were better.
Because perhaps if Sara were better, she would take the risk; she would move past her regrets, she would seize opportunities to spend time with Kokomi, and they would talk, and talk, and talk, until everything makes sense.
Kokomi would know that all she ever wanted was her. She would finally understand what Kokomi's looks meant. Sara can finally breathe easy knowing she has to lie to herself no more.
But Sara is not a good person. So she settles; settles with the stolen glances, settles with never trying, settles with the sleepless nights, settles for the heartache, settles with all of this.
For Sara, it is enough for Kokomi to haunt her in the dead of night, so long as she haunts the priestess as well.
So on this night, Sara closes her eyes and prays Kokomi does not appear in her dreams this time.