Work Text:
"I want you to be my best man."
When those words came out of Zayn's mouth Liam could only think of how many times he had prepared himself for this moment. However, the fake smile he did in the mirror, the practiced excitement he did in front of Harry didn't help at all. In fact, it was quite useless because Liam stood there frozen with his mouth slightly opened, and speechless. He wishes he could smile and feign excitement, he really did. But not a muscle in his body dared to move and not a sound tried to escape his lips. Liam felt like nothing, he felt like his whole world crashed around him and left him standing with nothing but the clothes on his back. And maybe Liam was exaggerating, but somehow his mind couldn't stop the overwhelming thoughts and ideas that came into his head from the simple words. He suddenly started to feel anxious, he started to breathe again but it felt like he wasn't getting enough oxygen. He started to feel his palms become wet with sweat and his heart was beating way too fast for it to slow down anytime soon. All this because Zayn insensitively asked him to be his best man.
"I knew it. I shouldn't have asked huh?"
Liam wants to nod he really does. He wants to tell Zayn, yes! No, he wanted to scream the word yes in the man's face. The thing about Liam is that even with all this pent up anger and anxiety; the last thing he wants is for Zayn to feel bad. So he shakes his head, and he's not quite sure how he's able to move his body. Maybe its the fact that he really doesn't want Zayn to feel sad or hurt. He always cared deeply about the darker haired boy's feelings, sometimes more than his own. He wishes he could say Zayn felt the same way, but it was proven he didn't just a few minutes ago. Whatever 'thing' that Zayn and Liam were, was obviously stuck in the past, along side with Liam's heart. He decides right then and there that it was time to snap back into reality, into what was going on today.
"Of course i'll be your best man," Liam says as if he's touched to be blessed with this 'honor'. Next thing Liam feels, like actually feels, beside the aching in his chest and bubbling in his stomach, is the strong hold of Zayn's arms wrapped around his shoulder. He doesn't know if Zayn is mumbling a string of 'thanks you's' or if he's rambling about how happy he is that his best friend said yes; all Liam can hear is a constant ringing in his ear and the sound of his heart racing in his chest. He hugs Zayn loosely around his waist, still feeling numb, even in the boy's hold. Liam believes he'll never be able to feel something other than this heartache for the rest of the day, week, month,...year.
Months do past, and he does start to feel better as they go by. Zayn doesn't talk about the engagement or the wedding as a whole much; Liam's grateful for that. He's also grateful that Little Mix is on Tour in America. Therefore, he doesn't have to hear the sound of her voice reminding him of what he's lost, of what he committed himself too.
He sighs as he walks back onto the tour bus, beat from his morning run and boxing lessons. He plops himself down in the backroom onto the long couch extremely tired, he couldn't think of the last time he was this tired...at least physically that is. He hears the bus door open but doesn't think much of it. He hopes whoever came in, would step right off, that way Liam could soak in his sweat and own self pity.
"Mate? What are you doing?" he hears a loud, thick, Yorkshire accent exclaim. Louis. He doesn't look up at the boy, so he just leaves him with a shrug. But of course Louis just doesn't leave things alone. "Is this about-" but Liam doesn't let Louis finish.
"Not everything is about him. I'm tired, I just got done working out okay? I wanna be alone," he clearly states, hoping Louis gets it through his head.
He hears the older boy sigh above him, "I was just wondering sheesh, no need to be bloody rude about it Liam," he scoffs sitting down of the couch.
Liam vaguely remembers telling Louis to leave him alone, but he's pretty sure he told the boy he wanted that. That's all he's wanted in the past 3 months. Other than Zayn to call off the engagement and his relationship with Perrie all together, but that's selfish thinking. Sometimes Liam thinks theres nothing wrong with wanting to be selfish, especially with all the heaviness weighing on his heart. He groans exaggeratedly, "Louis...I said I wanted to be alone...in case you didn't catch that."
He can't see the blue eyed boy, but Liam knows he's rolling those eyes of his right now. With a deep sigh Louis gets up,"I guess I'll play Fifa another time," he says voiced laced with aggravation. Liam lays there waiting until he hears Louis slam the bus door shut. Once he does, he flips himself over so that his face is pressed against the cushion. He once again, hears the door open in the front and releases a frustrated groan into the couch. He sits up so whoever it is won't harass him about Zayn or expressing his emotions. Minutes later he hears someone walk into the backroom and looks up. Out of all the members in their band, Liam would've preferred if Louis came back onto the bus, told Liam 'fuck it' and started playing Fifa. But instead Liam got Zayn. It's not like he hasn't seen the boy everyday, or hasn't preformed on stage with him acting as if everything's okay. Because he has, and he hates it. They finally get another day off and he was praying this one would be Zayn-free.
Zayn sits down right beside Liam, they've never had an issue with personal space. Right now though, Liam wishes he was one of those people that had a personal space bubble. He hears Zayn clear his throat, knowing the boy is about to speak. As if on cue he hears Zayn say, "I've just woken up," in his soft, but raspy morning voice of his.
Liam nods,"I can tell," he says unconsciously.
He hears a chuckle arise from the boy's lips, "So, Louis said we should talk," Zayn says more serious than before.
Liam laughs a very forced and tensed laugh, "I'm leaving," he says pushing himself off the couch.
Zayn repeats his actions and follows after Liam to the front of the bus,"We can't act like nothing happened Liam? Like there isn't anything to talk about."
"Really? Because you sure have Zayn! You're only now speaking up about whatever happened between us because the boys are getting fed up, mostly Louis, but I know the others are too," he says voice raised and angry. He hates yelling at Zayn, but he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Zayn was the one who told Liam to drop it, act as if it never happened. Zayn was the one to never want to talk about what had happened months before. Zayn was the one to suddenly act interested in his relationship. Zayn was the one who got engaged, and left Liam without answers. And now he wants to run over months of fooling around and flirting just so he could please Louis. "If you want to talk Zayn, we'll talk, but don't give me some sugar coated, lame ass excuse and not an actual conversation discussing what happened," he says, his breath more ragged. He tries to calm himself down, Liam was the sensible one. And it was true, he handled things responsibly, maturely, and intelligently.
"You're right," Zayn says softly. He leans against the counter near the sink and fridge. "I know you're right because you don't yell at me. You don't ever yell at me. So for you to be this angry to do that, I know i've fucked up. Shit, i've known i've fucked up for a while," he sighs gripping at the hair across his forehead.
Liam nods, a lot calmer, "You fucked with me, Zayn. You fucked me over so well," he says with tears in his eyes.
"Liam..." the dark haired boy says softly.
The wolverhampton boy shakes his, "Let me finish." He takes another deep breath, "I told you I loved you Zayn. You told me to get over it. Get over months of fooling around, months of tender touches, months of sweet kisses, months of long talks, months of fun, months of me believing you loved me too. But I should've known, because never did you ever mention ending it with Perrie." He laughs a little as he tugs his hair in frustration, the anger was building up inside of him. "I thought you'd leave her, I thought you'd choose me. But it was never a choice for you, you never had to choose, because I never meant that much to you," and Liam's crying now. "When you said you were done, I didn't believe you...I didn't want to believe you. You always came back when you said you wouldn't. But you didn't this time, you just stayed gone. And when I confronted you, I was told to forget it, was told to never speak of it again." He sniffs, wipes his eyes and continues,"You proposing to her doesn't erase all that we had, it doesn't erase my memory of us and I know it doesn't erase yours," he whispers. And like that, Liam's said all he ever wanted to say to Zayn.
Zayn wants to think it's his turn to speak. However, he never knew the right thing to say, the right way to phrase it; that was all Liam. That's something he liked about Liam; how he was always put together, or seemed like it more than the others and Zayn, himself. So the older boy shrugs and crosses his arms across his chest,"You're right. Is that what you want to hear? Because it's true. You're right." Liam doesn't speak up or interrupt, he just stays silent. Zayn looks down at his shoes,"Our time, meant so much to me. But it couldn't be a lifetime for me. Not when I already had that with someone else. And I know what you're thinking, 'you obviously don't love her' or 'why don't I just leave her'. And yeah, maybe I should, but I clearly didn't think that through. Or maybe I just didn't consider it. Maybe I thought me and you would end and what happened was me being lonely. I mean, eventually we did; end that is. But sometimes, I feel as if we never really did," he says looking into Liam's brown eyes. The boy in front of him nods in agreement. "Liam, I loved you...love you," he admits. "It scares me, it scares me so much, because I'm dangerous and reckless when it comes to things like this and guys like you shouldn't end up with guys like me."
"And what are guys like you...like?" Liam says swallowing thickly.
Zayn shrugs,"I just know you deserve someone who will openly love and appreciate you. Not you just taking what you can get when I want to give it to you. At the same time though...I don't want anyone else to have you," he whispers.
Liam sighs,"You're quite confusing."
They boy in front of him smiles a bit at that, "Yeah, I'm quite confused at the moment."
Liam steps closer to Zayn,"I can't be your best man, when I want to be your husband," and he whispers it so soft and quiet, as if it was him saying it to himself.
Zayn doesn't know when he grabs a hold of Liam's face, or when they start kissing, or when he stopped breathing. He just knows that he needed to touch Liam, kiss him, acknowledge him in every way. He couldn't imagine being the boy, and saying something that brave and risky, but Zayn is so happy Liam did.
After a few minutes, Liam controls himself and pulls away slowly, his lips lingering. He tries to hide his smile but fails,"this doesn't change anything. I'm still mad at you Zee..."
The dark-haired boy smiled, "You're calling me Zee," he says knowing that's Liam's nickname for him.
Liam looks down before walking to the bus door,"Sort yourself out Zayn. Not for me, not for perrie, not for the rest of the boys, or your family, or whoever else; just do it for yourself," he says before walking out and shutting the door.
Weeks later, and the boy's are on a two month break. Liam hears his mom call him into the kitchen saying he got something in the mail. He grabs the envelope from her and quickly opens it seeing it's from Zayn and Perrie. What he sees next almost makes him break out into tears,"You're invited to our wedding" it reads at the top of the card.
His mom comes up behind him and rubs his back,"We saw their names and knew what would be inside. We wanted you to open it; we didn't know if he expected us to come or if he thought you'd be staying here then at your place."
Liam shakes his head,"It's directed to you and Dad. Mine is probably in my mailbox at home."
Karen nods as she kisses Liam's temple, "Are you okay with all of this?"
He shakes his head for a second time, "But I can deal with it, or learn to," sighing deeply, he places the card on the table and turns around.
"You're Leaving?"
"Yeah."
After getting home and tearing up his invitation, personally sent to him, Liam lays in bed with dried tears staining his red cheeks. Zayn had made his choice very clear, he did what Liam told him to do, and that was what he picked. He sighs knowing he had to respect Zayn's choice, but he really wishes that the bradford boy would've chosen him instead.
"I've missed you!" Harry says hugging Liam tightly. He rolls his eyes, but hugs the taller boy back. Harry does this every time they come back from break, it was nothing new to him. "How've you been?" he ask pulling away.
Liam shrugs,"I've been."
Harry instantly places a frown upon his face, "You're still upset about Zayn."
Liam sighs,"It feels like i'm gonna be upset about him forever," he says biting his lip.
Harry wraps an arm around Liam's shoulders, "It'll get better Li, heartache doesn't last forever." And Liam knows that, at least he thinks he does. With Zayn though, it just feels everlasting.
Louis walks onto the tour bus with a huge smile, "Payno!" he cheers as he pulls Liam into a hug.
Liam can't help but laugh at Louis' enthusiasm.
Harry frowns coughing into his elbow. That catches Louis' attention, making the boy roll his eyes,"You act like we don't live together, love."
Harry pouts,"I was in L.A. for most of the break," he says softly.
Louis shrugs and replies,"That's not my fault," before walking into the backroom, probably to play more FIFA than he already had this whole break.
Liam looks at Harry raising an eyebrow of concern. Harry shakes his head,"It's not important. Have you talked to Zayn?"
The boy in front of him simply shakes his head, and thats as far as Liam's letting talk about Zayn go.
Hours later and Liam hears Louis yelling; he automatically knows who's on the bus. He can already feel the boy's presence, the boy fill the cold air with his warmth. Liam gets up, but sits back down, he'd let Zayn come to him. And Zayn does.
Liam looks up hearing a deep sigh come from beside him. He licks his lips as he takes in the tan skin, hazel eyes, and dark hair.
Zayn speaks up after the tension fades, "So, I understand asking you to be my best man was a mistake; that's why I told Louis he could now be my best man."
Liam looks back down and away,"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
The boy standing swallows before taking a seat on the couch. "I don't know what it was supposed to do..." he admits. "Liam, even if I did choose you...why would you want to be with me? I'm a cheater."
Liam really wishes he knew the correct answer to this, but he doesn't, so he goes with what pops up first. "Because I love you. And I want to believe i'm the one that can change you. That i'm the one you'd be satisfied with."
Zayn leans back on the couch,"You always say you weren't enough Li. But you were; I would've been satisfied with just you, because you were enough. I told you I love you, and i'm sorry I didn't tell you before, i'm sorry I didn't make you feel worthy before. But like I said, I was already with someone, I am, already with someone. It's just not that easy for me to let go like you want me to. So, I made a decision, like you told me to. And I choose Perrie, because it's always been her and it shouldn't have been anyone else."
Liam hears those last words and can't help but think that Zayn regretted everything that happened between the two. And Liam feels like complete shit, he feels like Zayn doesn't love him, or care for him, and he wants Zayn out. "I think it'd be best if you left now," he says voice cracked from trying to hold in another wave of tears.
"L-Liam, I didn't mean it like that, it's just-" he says before being cut off.
"Zayn!" he says raising his voice and catching the boys attention. "...just go."
Hesitantly, Zayn stands up, stretches and walks out, not saying another word. Few moments later Niall walks in cheerily,"Wanna get a few drinks?" he asks Liam who's moping on the couch. Liam's thankful for the invite, because all he wants is a distraction from Zayn and all things related towards him. Of course, a few beers or a couple of shots will help that easily.
Louis looks over at Zayn in their purchased mystery machine that reeks of fading cigarettes and weed. The brown boy raises a concerned brow at Louis' glances,"what?"
Louis simply shrugs before speaking,"Why don't you pick Liam? Real answer, not the watered down shit you feed him."
Zayn chuckles a bit at that but straightens out soon after. He bites his lip and starts playing with his hair,"Liam's a nice guy, everyone knows that. Me, i'm not."
Louis scoffs immediately,"Zayn you have a big heart. You're heart is as big as the Grinch's at the end of the movie," he jokes lightly.
"Thanks Louis. But...I loved Perrie, at least I thought I did, and then I go and cheat on her. What if I do the same to Liam? He's already devastated from all of this drama, imagine that."
Louis rolls his eyes,"Zayn not being a cheater is easy shit, just don't act on your emotions! And you said yourself, Liam was enough right?"
The bradford boy looks at him oddly, "You were listening in on us?"
Louis looks at him nodding,"Yeah we all do. Do you really think you have privacy? Anyways, besides the point, answer the question."
Zayn nods,"yeah, yeah Liam is."
He smiles at him,"then you have nothing to worry about, you can be loyal to him and not hurt him."
Zayn groans and rolls himself on top of Louis. He inches himself closer to the boy, so that their lips are almost touching. "You find me attractive?"
Louis chuckles,"who doesn't?"
Zayn smirks in agreement,"So would you hookup with me if Harry hadn't gotten to you first?"
Louis licks his lips,"Yeah, probably."
Zayn leans down so that their lips are touching slightly,"kiss me then."
Louis pulls a face of disgust before sliding himself out from under Zayn,"oh please Malik, i'm not some quivering fan dying to have sex with you. You know I love Harry and would never. Nice try, but like I said, it's easy, just don't act on your emotions." The Doncaster boy waves at Zayn as he pushes himself out of the van.
Zayn lays down across the blankets they put down and runs a hand through his hair. Was he really missing out on anything if he didn't marry Perrie? Was he really missing out on anything if he didn't get with Liam? He knew for a fact at one point that he did love Perrie, but lately it's felt like he's just been dragging around their relationship. He knew he needed to decide wether to pick it back up or drop it.
A year later and Zayn is standing at the alter hands shaking and palms sweating. He looks behind him at Louis, his best man and smiles. He doesn't know if nausea and nervousness is a bad or good sign. He doesn't know if standing up here and second guessing his decision is any good either. But once the bell chimes and the music starts playing, he looks to his left and knows the decision he's made was in fact the right one. His breath is caught in his throat and tears prick at his eyes. He stares at the love of his life and wonders why he let them go in the first place.
Zayn licks his lips and looks directly in front of him ready to give his vow. "It's kind of funny how over a year ago I asked you to be my best man. I'm glad somewhere down the road we decided that wasn't a good idea; because I like you standing in front of me better than behind me..."