Work Text:
Monica and Carla had been fucking for about three months. And make no mistake, it was just fucking. They didn’t go out, ever. They would hang out, post- or pre-coital, and they liked each other, and Carla wasn’t fucking anybody else and she didn’t know if Monica was or not, but she certainly didn’t care if she was. It wasn’t accurate to say it was a purely physical relationship, but the majority of their time was spent naked, even if they were doing something other than fucking. It was fuck-centric. Basically.
And this was kept pretty well under wraps. That was easy. They didn’t run with the same crowds, they didn’t work in the same spaces; there were no quickies in supply closets or chances of discovery. There was the time that Richard called Monica, panicked about something as usual, and she was fist-deep in Carla, but he didn’t suspect anything. A chill entered the room and then they just could not stop laughing. If he only knew.
It had become a weekend ritual. Carla would lean in the pristine doorway of Monica’s apartment, or Monica would show up to Carla’s, and she knew when Monica was at the door because she could hear her trying to get whoever was on the other end of the phone off the phone. It was pretty much perfect.
So they had been fucking for three months around the time that there was a board meeting at the incubator. Laurie felt she had no reason to go and sent Monica as the rep for Raviga. Russ, unfortunately, was there. And so was everybody else. Including Carla. They had no reason to interact with each other. It would be safe.
When Monica entered the door, she greeted everyone like normal, making sure to pay little attention to the only person in the room who could accurately describe her vagina to a police sketch artist. She made sure to quickly whisk the board members into the kitchen for the meeting. It was her job to keep everyone on task and she was glad for it.
Jared walked to the door and taped up the tattered “MEETING IN PROGRESS” sign, which had been thoroughly abused by Gilfoyle and Dinesh. Still, he never replaced it. It hardly mattered, since everybody could hear Russ yelling about terrible ideas, trying to prove that the loudest person was still the smartest. Gilfoyle and Dinesh looked at each other every time they heard the phrase “radio on internet” or variations thereof. They didn’t even have to say “this fuckin’ guy” anymore. It was understood.
Jared attempted to strike up a conversation with Carla. “So, I heard that you and Monica have hit it off!” he said, so proud of himself.
Carla looked shocked. “What?”
“Oh,” Jared said. “Monica asked for your number a while ago, and I just assumed—“
“Oh, right. No, that was just…Monica needed help with some computer thing, and she said that she really would feel better with a woman helping her.”
Jared bought it instantly and backed off. Gilfoyle was laughing. He started packing a bowl and Carla went over. It probably wasn’t the best place to get fucked up, but boundaries weren’t a thing around here. She attempted to pass the bowl to Dinesh, who declined.
“I can’t handle being drunk. I smoked a cigarette once and threw up. Are you kidding me right now? Honestly.”
“Dude, weed would seriously help you loosen up.” Carla said.
“Yeah, maybe you could chill the fuck out enough to lose your virginity”, offered Gilfoyle.
“He’s not a virgin in the pictures I keep sending him.” Carla said.
Jared overheard this and walked over. “About that, Carla, I really feel like we need to have a conversation about appropriate workplace behavior.”
She sparked up the bowl, inhaled, and said “nah I’m not gonna do that.”
“I agree that now isn’t the time, but the bell of HR tolls for thee.” Jared softly chuckled as he walked away.
Carla wondered if he lay awake at night just cringing at the dumb shit he said during the day.
The bowl was finished around the time the meeting ended. Everyone exited the kitchen, and as was the Pied Piper way, a business outing devolved into general hanging out. Carla and Monica avoided each other, but they couldn’t help but share little knowing looks at each other. Jared noticed. That horrifyingly observant asshole.
“Aha!” Jared yelled, getting the attention of everyone in the room for once. “I knew you two were bonding. Monica, Carla, why would you want to hide your friendship? I think alliances between women are an important thing to share in such an aggressively male environment. There’s no need to be ashamed of that.”
“Yes, Monica,” Erlich said, giving her a pointed look, “why would you want to hide being friends with Carla?”
“Yeah, it’s not like you guys are fucking each other or something.” Gilfoyle said.
Monica and Carla stared at each other, terrified. Any attempt to laugh off the suggestion would come off as ridiculously fake, and this was not something they had planned for. They couldn’t even say that it was something they had planned against, since the prospect of their coworkers finding out about them seemed so remote.
Russ broke the silence. “OH SHIT! You just blew this thing wide open, come on, high five!” He reached over to Gilfoyle, who didn’t bother to reciprocate.
Monica and Carla scanned the room. Monica gestured for Carla to say something, anything. Carla stood up.
“All right, all right, just so you guys don’t hear any wild rumors, Monica and I fucked. Several times.”
Dinesh half-whispered to Gilfoyle, “Are you fucking serious right now?”
“Well, I wasn’t.”
Russ walked over to Carla.
“Listen, I just want you to know that I am completely chill about the lesbians. Like, super chill. So if you ever wanna…”
She didn’t let him finish. “Dude, I swear to god, no”.
Monica had her head in her hands, partially out of embarrassment, partially to keep from laughing. The whole situation was so mortifying, it was her worst fear come true, and yet, now that it was here, she knew exactly how to handle it. It was like discovering that the monster under the bed was just an old sweater.
Erlich turned to face Monica.
“So you finally listened to me, huh? All those nights, wondering ‘what if Erlich was right?’ And big fuckin’ surprise, I was right.”
“Nope.”
Monica looked over at Richard, who was bright red. Bet he never saw this coming.
Carla decided to take Monica aside for a second.
“Hey, was that okay? I kind of just…went off without thinking I guess, and it never occurred to me that maybe you weren’t into people knowing that you fuck chicks or something, so I’m really sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I mean, I didn’t want people to know, but you know, it’s good to have it out, you know?” She lightly touched Carla’s shoulder. Jared loomed over them, having come out of nowhere. He startled both of them.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just wanted you guys to know that if you ever get any unwelcome comments or the workplace becomes hostile, my door is always open. And also, congratulations!”
“For what, fucking each other?” Carla asked.
“On your relationship,” he corrected.
“Yeah, the one that centers on fucking each other.”
“I understand, there’s no need to put labels on things. These things are private and take time.” He was getting increasingly flustered. Carla loved it. It was just so easy.
The night started winding down, spelling an end to the weird looks and uncomfortable silences surrounding Monica and Carla. Only Jared would smile, like a proud mother. Monica and Carla walked out the door together, and Carla hung in the passenger’s side window as Monica got into her car.
“So you know that OJ is writing a movie in his head right now where we fall in love with each other right?”
Monica laughed softly. “Yeah.”
“We’re still on the same page about how that’s not a thing, right?”
“Oh yeah. Definitely.”
“I was just checking,” Carla said.
They exchanged friendly goodbyes and “I’ll call you”s, and Monica drove away.