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"That is so far beyond the realm of an appropriate birthday present," Darcy says. Tad wriggles around, trying to get out of her mother's grip, and Darcy hitches her in a little closer.
"Roo," Tad coos, stretching out her short, chubby arms. "Mama, want roo!"
"Listen to the birthday girl," Tony says. He grins at Tad and plucks her out of Darcy's arms.
"Do not let her touch that, that thing," Darcy says. Bruce's arm around her waist is the only thing keeping her from grabbing Tad back and sprinting for the panic room.
"I'm sure it's not diseased or anything. Tony wouldn't do anything to hurt her-"
"He renamed her Tadpole," Darcy interjects, because emotional pain is still pain, and there are probably going to be at least a handful of Incidents with the other kids once she starts school. Nevermind that Darcy loves the nickname; kids are just cruel.
"-Pepper and Steve wouldn't let him," Bruce continues in the uncertain voice of a man who isn't completely convinced that what he's seeing is real. Darcy grips his chin and turns his face toward Pepper and Steve, who are sporting near identical expressions of shock mixed with resignation.
"Do those look like the faces of two people who knew Tony was going to buy our daughter a kangaroo for her second birthday?"
"Roo," Tad shrieks happily. "Hop, hop, hop!"
"Tony, don't let her touch it," Bruce says quickly. Tony spins Tad out of the range of the kangaroo right before she can pet it, and they turn twin pouts on Darcy and Bruce. Darcy is fairly certain Tony's been giving her daughter lessons, which is either an awesome or terrible idea.
"She's not diseased," Tony says with almost the same level of petulance as when Darcy called the quinjet a 'neat toy'. "She's tame and trained and 100% healthy. I have a note from the vet and everything." He shuffles Tad onto his hip so he can pull a piece of crumbled paper out of his pocket and wave it at them.
Darcy frowns at Bruce. "I blame you. You always encourage him."
"How did I possibly encourage him to buy Tad a kangaroo?" Bruce looks between Tad, Tony, the admittedly docile looking kangaroo, and Darcy. "How does one even begin to encourage something like that?"
"You followed him home," she says, watching warily while Tony slowly approaches the kangaroo. The trainer has a firm grip on its harness. It's a little thing, probably little more than a baby, and Tony has to go down on one knee for Tad to be able to reach it easily. "And then you let him be Tad's godfather. Thor, tell her that if she hurts my baby, we'll be having joey burgers for dinner tonight."
"I'll put it more diplomatically than that, I believe," Thor says, but he kneels next to Tony and murmurs quietly to the young kangaroo.
"Who's your favorite uncle," Tony croons at Tad. "Who's Tadpole's favorite uncle who set up a very generous trust fund for her, so her parents should love him as much as he loves his Tad?"
"Tony," Tad singsongs back at him, turning away from her kangaroo just long enough to clap his cheeks between her little hands.
"This is actually a remarkable sign of personal growth for him," Pepper says reflectively. "It proves he paid attention to what she's interested in. That's more than he does for most people."
"I can hear everything that all of you are saying, you know," Tony says.
"True," Bruce tells Pepper. "But most people would observe Tabitha's love of Winnie the Pooh and maybe buy her some DVDs or stuffed animals."
"Jumping straight to buying a kangaroo is a little extreme," Darcy adds. It does look pretty adorable, though. Darcy wonders how well it would get along with Shazam.
"What's the phrase of the day, Tadpole," Tony asks her very solemnly.
"Go big or go home," Tad intones with a practiced seriousness.
"He's training her," Darcy says. "Ten years from now she's going to be his little minion, and you all are going to be sitting around wondering how it happened. And when you ask me when it started? I'm going to point to this moment."
"Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh," Tony sings at Tad, who giggles as she pets the kangaroo. "Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff!"
"Maybe next time you should consider actually hiring a babysitter and send Tony out to watch a grown up movie," Clint says, his eyebrows climbing higher as Tony wraps up the chorus and backtracks to start on the first verse.