Archive of Our Own

Osamu lets out a sigh as he closes the door behind him. The busyness from the last shift at the restaurant still in his ears even as he reaches the quietness of his apartment. His whole body was sore, he has been working every day for the past weeks, yet the worst moment of his days is still the moment he crosses the doorway of his apartment and falls into complete silence.

He’s never been alone in his life. He was born a twin so his entire life has been punctuated by the constant chatter and babbling of Atsumu and no matter how much he could have hated it before, especially when they were teens, ever since Atsumu had left his side everything feels empty.

Not that he would ever say that to Atsumu. Of course. It is none of Atsumu’s business how he feels or how sappy he gets once he closes the restaurant and gets back home.

Osamu checks his phone, it is way past 11pm and there is a bunch of texts from Atsumu, going through his day and practice, as usual, with a selfie of him with Sakusa (probably forced to do so, Osamu could feel his eye roll through the still picture). He is about to toss the phone over to his couch, he will get back to Atsumu after a shower, when he sees it. Kita’s text. It is buried under his twin’s gibberish and is very simple and short, and he is not surprised, it is how Kita is.

Is it okay if I come by tomorrow? I’m sorry for the short notice.

He had received that text in the middle of the afternoon, and he could have waited a bit more before answering, what is a few minutes after all these hours? Yet he takes the time and answers immediately. There is a smile that unconsciously appears on his face as he types the letters and presses send. It is stupid because it is just routine with Kita now, yet these routine texts always make him feel like there is a weight lifted off his shoulders.

He eventually forgets to answer to Atsumu, who later on spams him even more and tries to call him twice in the middle of the night. Osamu makes sure to tell him the next day that an athlete should have a better sleep schedule.

*

“It’s tiny,” Atsumu said without even hesitating a second and Osamu kicked him in the knee for that.

His twin whimpered and massaged where he had just been hit, “hey! careful! I'm a professional athlete now! My body is what earns me money, you need to respect and honor it!”

“Too bad I don’t care.”

And like the grown adult that he was now, Atsumu stuck his tongue out at him and Osamu just rolled his eyes back. He fizzled with his keys a moment, his hands were shaking, at this point he could not know if it was of excitement or anxiety. But before he could even pull out the right key, his brother put his hands on his. It was constant how Atsumu always knew him and his thoughts better than he knew himself, but it still felt so reassuring to have someone like that.

“Relax,” Atsumu said, in a mature voice that sounded absolutely off on him and that Osamu had yet to get used to, “it’s yours now. It’s your dream and it’s yours.”

Atsumu smiled at him with the kind of genuine smile that was not often seen on his face, that he was never allowing much people to see it, and for a second, Osamu wanted to rush and hug him. Instead he raised his eyes to look at the tiny shop in front of him.

“You waited for so long and annoyed us with it now that you have it we’re going to just stand in front of it?” Atsumu finished, going back to his whiny and annoying voice.

He added to that a gently punch on the shoulder. “It”, like Atsumu had been saying, was an old business place that had been on sale for years and no one had wanted it. The place was situated in a quiet neighbourhood in Osaka, not much activity around there, thus the low price and the low demand. Still it had taken almost a year of looking around to find it and to be able to pay for it. He had dreamed about it, stressed over it, cried over it, now that he was standing in front of it, he was barely able to believe that it was real.

“You’re right, let’s get inside.”

He fizzled a bit more with the keys but eventually got the right one. For the first time inside the place, as a restaurant owner – the words still seemed so wrong in his head, like it could have not been him for real, having that title -, he had only asked Atsumu to come. And with the presence of his twin next to him he felt relieved to put the first step in the, no, his, restaurant.

It was a small place. There was a bar on the left separating the room and the open kitchen. It happened in a flash but he could see himself cooking there, customers in front of him as he would carefully shape the onigiris and he could smell the smells coming from the different mixtures and the rice cooking. He still turned an anxious gaze at Atsumu. Only he could see that in his head, the reality was far from it. The place was a mess, obviously left abandoned for years and there were renovations and cleaning to do. Hell, there was not even electricity and water running there…

“It’s freaking awesome,” Atsumu let out, with an impressed whistle, “‘Samu this is awesome.”

It felt like Osamu had been drowning and had finally reached the top of the water and was getting a breath of fresh air.

“Really?”

Atsumu came back near him. They stared at each other a second and eventually Osamu fell down in his twin’s arms, getting the hug he had craved for.

*

When Kita arrives, it is slightly raining. It does not bother Kita as he arrives almost exactly at the same time as usual. It is a Monday morning, the day the restaurant is closed, a little bit before noon and Osamu is waiting on the door frame of the entrance. He leaves Kita park and when he is done, he almost runs – he tries not to at least -to the driver door an umbrella over his head. Kita looks at him through the open window and rolls his eyes when he sees the umbrella.

“It’s not a storm, I can handle a bit of rain,” he says.

However Osamu had known Kita for years and he could decipher every feature of his face, even when he looked like he was unphased. Osamu could tell the twitch in his eyebrow was amusement.

“You can. Doesn’t mean you should.”

Kita sighs but turns off the engine and opens the car door. Osamu raises the umbrella so Kita can slide next to him and his shoulder brushes with Osamu’s and he can not help but smile.

“Hello Kita-san,” Osamu says when they are very close.

“Hello Osamu,” Kita answers softly, “you know we won’t be able to use that umbrella when we take out the rice bags, right?”

“I know but at least it’ll spare us a few droplets.”

“Mmh.. and what about when I told you to call me Shinsuke? Or at least, Kita?”

“I guess I said I’ll think about it?”

Kita says nothing back, he just shakes his head but he is smiling. They don’t speak when they discharge the trunk together. Osamu had to throw away the umbrella at some point, under Kita’s amused gaze and by the time they’re done, he can feel the rain dropping from the tip of his hair. Kita follows him inside of Onigiri Miya like he belongs here and automatically Osamu goes behind the counter.

It is now a routine, Osamu thinks. The first time Kita had delivered rice, Osamu had had to insist for the latter to stay, eat at least one onigiri before leaving. The second time he had planned it a bit more, preparing a few new recipes he wanted to try out, if he was to ask for his help Kita would not say no. And Osamu really wanted their meetings to become something. Something he is working his mind around, something that feels every day a bit closer to bloom. He just likes it when Kita is there, and he tries to make every moment with him not just business related.

Not that he ever explicitly says it to Kita but Kita is a smart man and he probably knows it is odd for Osamu to always wait for him to try his new recipes on him when he lives in the same town as his twin brother. And Kita never says anything about it. If there was something Osamu had learned knowing Kita is that if something was bothering him, he would say it.

Today is no exception, Kita sits down on a stool in front of the counter and Osamu takes out the onigiri he had made in the morning.

“What is it today?”

“I’ll let you guess,” Osamu answers playfully.

Kita raises an eyebrow but says nothing else when Osamu slides the plate in front of him. He stays in front of him, his hands resting on the counter, he feels nervous even after all this time cooking for Kita. He feels silly because he owns a fucking restaurant and he cooks every week for thousand of people that he does not know anything about, yet when it’s his former teammate he feels like once again he is a sixteen years old gifting homemade chocolates for Valentine’s day. Awkward, inexperienced, stupid. Absolutely not something as casual as it really is.

Osamu knows no one more diligent, sincere and honest than Kita is. If Kita does not like something, he will say it. There won’t be any hard feelings even when the words do seem harsh and it is just about learning to take it with no offense because there is none. That was how Kita led the volleyball team in high school, how he agreed to form a partnership with Onigiri Miya although both of them were new with the concept. Kita’s sincerity comes with being the most trustworthy person he has ever known. So the last person he wants to disappoint is Kita.

“So? Do you like it?”

Kita eats carefully, taking the tasting seriously. His face looks serious and focused and Osamu finds himself looking at it with maybe a tad too much of attention but Kita does not seem to notice, or if he does, it does not bother him.

“Of course,” Kita answers after a moment, “everything you make is delicious.”

Osamu feels his cheeks get hotter and he has to hide it, turning his head to the side. He misses Kita smiling at him.

*

“Here.”

The soft voice startled him a little bit, he turned around to see Kita handing him a bottle of water. He did not hear their captain coming near him. Kita had always been a very discreet person. Very thoughtful also. He grabbed the water with a smile.

“Thanks.”

Kita sat down next to him, they stayed like that for a moment not talking at all. It was always comfortable with Kita no matter what, although he could still hear the balls bouncing behind them, yet it still felt like the two of them were sitting in a little bubble of peace.

“You two are going a bit overboard lately, right?” Kita asked. But it was not a question, it sounded like one but it also sounded like he knew the answer, “training.”

“Tournament is coming, we’re all doing our best.”

Kita laid his gaze on his face. “Aran and Sunarin are doing their best, you and Atsumu are overdoing it.”

“Tsumu,” Osamu only answered like it solved everything.

“What about you?”

There was silence. It was not heavy nor awkward, it was just natural like everything was with Kita.

“I’m just here, I guess.”

“Is that good enough for you?”

Osamu stopped and stared at him. It had never been rare for Kita to care or to be interested or to know exactly the right words at the right time, but it would always hurt and heal at the same time.

“I’m not gonna continue,” Osamu confessed, and it was the first time he did it, “I mean volleyball. I’ll play until the end of high school but I won’t go pro.”

There was no thunder falling down on him, electrifying him to death. No one else on the team heard him and no one turned around to shame or yell at him. It did nothing and it did everything at the same time.

“That’s okay,” Kita answered after a second, “you have your own dream.”

“I do,” he muttered.

Ever since he had internally come to that conclusion he had been terrified of what others would say, and maybe telling it to Kita meant nothing, maybe Kita would disappear from his life once he would be out of high school, not like Atsumu who would always be there, and still it had felt so relieving to get it out of his system.

“You’re allowed to live you own life, and not Atsumu’s,” Kita added and the words stuck to Osamu like a tattoo mark on his skin, because each of them seemed to come out so easily from Kita’s mouth and yet were powerful enough to calm down the tornados inside his mind, “no matter how much you look alike, you are two different persons, with two different wants and needs, it’s okay.”

Osamu blinked a few times but Kita just smiled at him one last time before getting up.

“Take your time,” he let out before going back inside the gym. Osamu doubted it was only about their volleyball practice.

*

Time passes by quickly when he is with Kita, Osamu has always thought that. Even if their moments just the two of them in high school were little, most of the time Atsumu was there and Osamu never really consciously looked for more solo time with Kita. Kita was their captain, older than him, calmer, smarter, better than Osamu on most aspects of his character and he had to admit the first year, he had even seemed scarier than anyone he had ever met.

He wishes he could tell younger Osamu that one day he would sign a business partnership with Kita and would stay alone with him for hours. That their conversation would grow from business talks, to personal anecdotes and shared memories. That Kita would shine in a totally different light in Osamu’s eyes, that where he was so far away above him, he is now standing right next to him. Laughing at his jokes, smiling at him, eating the food he had cooked with appetite.

Osamu can not lie, he had realized at some point how late it was, and how strong the rain was pounding outside and that it was not softening. He could have said it out loud so that Kita could have noticed and left earlier and made it back to the farm safely, but he did not. Secretly, he hopes Kita is acting like he is not noticing anything for the same reason that he is. Osamu hopes Kita also wants to spend as much time as possible with just the two of them.

*

“I think I have a crush on Kita-san,” Atsumu said and it was almost imperceptible that Osamu thought for a second that he had dreamed it.

He wanted to stay silent and not answer anything, maybe pretend to be asleep, but Atsumu knew him better than anyone else. More importantly, Atsumu never had any respect for anyone or anything and especially not for him, his brother.

“‘Samu,” Atsumu had repeated and Osamu had ignored it once again.

He closed his eyes a bit tighter like he would be able to magically fall asleep, for real. He did not know exactly why this confession suddenly made him so uncomfortable, or why he wanted so deeply to just ignore it and never hear about it ever again. Usually, his brother would tell him anything, and vice versa. Crushes were nothing new, Atsumu had a new crush basically every two months and was very obnoxious about it, so why did this particular confession make Osamu so annoyed? Because it was about someone in the team and he knew how badly Atsumu’s relationships always ended?

“Hey! I’m talking to you! About my feelings!”

Osamu let out a guttural sound. Atsumu was probably two seconds away from getting up and hit him if was still acting dead. He turned around in his bed, so he would face his brother and not the wall anymore. The lights were off, they had a practice tomorrow early in the morning so they both had gone to sleep pretty early, but it seemed like none of them had been able to find it. The curtains were not drawn completely and the star lights were lighting up slightly the room and Atsumu’s face whose eyes were fully open, staring at Osamu, an angry pout on his mouth.

“Yeah,” Osamu eventually said, “what?”

“Did you not hear me?”

Osamu considered his options. The thought of hearing the confession once again was making him cringe internally.

“I did. I just don’t know what to say.”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

“Says who?” he almost screamed out and Atsumu immediately shushed him almost as loudly as he had spoken.

He was now fully awake, standing up in his bed, his eyebrows frowned, “no seriously, what do you want me to say? Why do you bother me with that while I’m trying to sleep?”

He could feel in his voice the anger rising up and he knew, at the expression on Atsumu’s face slowly going from surprise to anger as well, that it was not justified but he could not help it.

“Why are you so mad at me suddenly?” Atsumu talked back on the same tone, “what the fuck is going on with you?”

There was nothing coherent going on in Osamu’s brain at that moment, no clever comeback, no apparent reason to explain the rush of anger he was experiencing.

“It’s just so stupid!” he managed to articulate, “it’s stupid to have a crush on Kita-san!”

Atsumu looked at him like he had a second head, “why is it so stupid?” he asked.

“Because!”

“What?”

“He is our captain, it’s not like a random person to have a crush on! We see him every day!”

“And so what? I’ve dated tons of boys and girls that were in our classes and we saw them every day, it never bothered you before!”

“Yeah but they’re not Kita-san! You can’t just confess to him, and date him and then throw him away when you get tired of it like you always do! He is not like the others.”

The words were now escaping his mouth without even Osamu realizing it.

“You think he would date me?”

Osamu opened his mouth and then closed it, because he felt his blood boil in his veins and somehow he could not pass through what he wanted to in this conversation and it was making him insane. Atsumu was making him go completely insane, as usual.

“I’m going to sleep,” he said, “just do whatever you want.”

He almost added the “you always do whatever you want” but decided not to. His head was hurting him now. He heard Atsumu push away his own covers and get out of his bed, rushing to Osamu’s.

“You think he would date me?” he repeated in his ears.

Osamu grabbed the pillow under his head and used it to punch Atsumu in the face, “no, he won’t, you’re too stupid for him, he deserves better.”

Atsumu immediately caught the pillow and punched back. They fought for a few minutes until they heard knocks on their door and Atsumu immediately rushed back to his bed before one of their parents would enter their room and lecture them for fighting late in the night. Osamu finally tried to calm down the rush of emotions he had felt. He still was so confused about why he had reacted so badly at the all thing, and the “team spirit” reason was not convincing, not even for him. But there was nothing else he could think about.

“You know, you’re being weird about Kita-san,” Atsumu said, once again in a very quiet and sleepy voice.

However this time when Osamu did not answer, his twin did not push it and he probably fell asleep quickly after saying it. Osamu did not.

Weirdly, Atsumu never confessed to Kita. He never said anything about it anymore either. And Osamu was grateful for that.

*

“Oh my god,” Kita lets out.

He is looking out of the window on the front door of the restaurant, through the blinds, to see the rain pouring outside, so hard it was almost flooding the gutters.

“I don’t know how I will be able to see the road while driving, in the night with this rain,” he sighs and Osamu knows he is mumbling to himself more than anything else.

“Well…” Osamu starts shyly but he is embarrassed to continue.

“I’m sorry,” Kita turns over to him, he clears his throat, “I also caught you up all evening...night.”

“No, I’m the one sorry,” Osamu immediately says. He hates seeing Kita with a worried frown on his face, “I kept you here, asking you to help me with the recipes.”

“Oh, you did not keep me, I wanted to stay.”

They stayed in silence for a second. It is not too uncomfortable but there is a rush of thoughts in Osamu’s brain that he is trying very hard to contain, or at least to form all those in a coherent sentence. It is when he hears the sound of Kita’s car keys that he finally steps up.

“You could stay here,” he blurts out.

Kita eyes him a bit confused and Osamu blushes. Like a teenager. He could hide under the counter right here, right there, “I mean, for the night,” he adds.

“Oh,” the other man answers, “I…”

“It’s only because it’s late and raining and it’s a long ride home in these conditions, I’m just worried for you to drive back alone like that, but I understand if you’d rather go back to the farm!” he tries to keep it cool by adding a little laugh, there is a little Atsumu in his head that is mocking him. He curses him internally.

“Actually, I would like that,” Kita cuts him very simply, “if it’s no bother for you.”

He is smiling gently and is already putting back the keys in his pocket. Sometimes Osamu forgets how easy things are with Kita. Grounded Kita, reassuring and calm in all circumstances, who barely over thinks anything and lives the moment.

“It really isn’t! It’s my pleasure.”

“Thank you so much.”

Osamu holds back a scream of happiness and just nods, “let me close up here completely and we can go upstairs.”

*

Osamu had never liked losing. Probably he had been a bit better at hiding it than Atsumu, or maybe Atsumu had always been louder than he was. But the day they lost the nationals, the sourness he felt was hard to hide, hard to conceal, hard to let it disappear next to his brother’s. It was too painful to lose after such an exhausting, exhilarating match, too painful to see that their tricks were not enough to fight back the Karasuno team, too damn painful that it was how they ended the last match with the third years, with Kita.

He should have done more, anything, he was not even sure what he could have done more but it was all that was going on in his mind. Even when Kita did his speech after they apologized, when their coach congratulated the team for their efforts, when they all celebrated each other for what they did, their best. Osamu was still not able to think he had done his best.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Kita sneaked up next to him.

The whole team was about to leave the gymnasium and go back to the hotel they were staying for another night, before leaving tomorrow morning. Atsumu had stopped crying about their loss a little while ago, threatened by Suna and the power of his phone, constantly recording him.

“Yeah,” was all he managed to answer.

“You’re disappointed.”

“You too.”

“Of course, it’s upsetting to lose.”

“We’ve worked so hard for this.”

“The Karasuno team did too.”

Osamu turned to look at him, a sad smile on his face, “how are you so rational and calm about everything? You don’t think we deserved it more, because it’s us? Or that maybe if there had been just an action different then we would have won? Anything?”

Kita stayed silent a moment, thoughtful, “I do, obviously. I doubt myself, I reflect on everything I did all over the year even and during the match, I’m the captain so somehow it must be my responsibility, right? At least that’s the kind of thing that goes through my head but what is the point of it? I have no power on what is already done.”

Very slowly Kita put a hand on Osamu’s arm, making him entirely freeze. It was not unpleasant, quite the opposite.

“I meant what I said earlier. Even if the end was not what we expected, during the entire process all of us, you included, put our best efforts, and for that I am forever grateful to have been your captain.”

Osamu stared at Kita. No matter how tranquil his expression seemed to appear, he was now used to his captain’s features and the way he would control it, and Osamu could see the way his eyes were off. It was deep down at the bottom of his pupils but there was a sadness that Osamu had never seen before.

“You’re sad,” he whispered.

He immediately regretted it when he saw Kita’s expression showing surprise. They were not particularly close, not any more than with the other on the team, Osamu did not know Kita personally, even after those two years, he had only been able to put some pieces on the puzzles that was his captain. Maybe blurting out everything that was going through his head was insensitive. He was not Aran, who basically was Kita’s best friend, hell, he was not even Atsumu who Kita always took care of…

“I am,” Kita said, and it still sounded surprised, like he was just realizing his own emotions, “I will miss you.”

He took his hand off Osamu’s arm, and took a step back, “we should follow the others,” was all he added before leaving slowly.

Osamu could not help but hope Kita was especially talking about missing him, and not the entire team.

*

Kita waits patiently until Osamu is sure that the front door is locked and the curtains drawn everywhere. He shuts off the kitchen and turns off the lights in the main room and they both leave through the back door. Osamu’s apartment is above his restaurant, so they don’t have to walk under the rain to reach it, thankfully considering it only pours harder. He did not look very much into it before renting it, focusing mostly on the convenience, and ever since the restaurant had opened he was only going home to sleep and take a shower. However now that he feels Kita’s presence slowly walking behind him, without saying anything, he tries to remember the last time he had tidied up his place, and unfortunately, he could not remember.

The excitement he had felt when Kita had agreed to stay for the night is being replaced by the anxiety of actually doing it. The fact that Kita had barely talked since, is just another reason to make him internally die. When was the last time he and Kita had slept in the same place? When was the last time they had woken up in the same place as Kita? Training camps? Nationals? He feels himself blush and he is thankful the night is dark. Everything had changed since that time. He had changed. A lot.

They still haven’t exchanged any words when Osamu turns the key inside his apartment lock. He takes a deep breath in before turning on the lights. The living room is a bit messy, a few books and empty glasses have been forgotten on the table, but it could have been worse. He puts his keys away and rushes to grab the few things around, putting them away.

“I just have one bed but you can take it, I’ll sleep on the couch,” he says and he is so glad he found a reason to break this awful silence.

Kita seems taken by surprise, “I can’t let you do that, it’s your bed,” he argues back.

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Osamu says, “you’re my guest, I won’t let you sleep on a couch.”

Kita sits down on the couch, with an eyebrow raised, like he was challenging him for something, “I think it’s a decent place to sleep.”

“It’s a decent place to sit in, not to sleep on” he corrects him, “I only make Atsumu sleep on it.”

“I deserve better treatment than your brother?”

“God, yes.”

Maybe it is because of the sincerity in his voice or how fast he had answered it that causes Kita to laugh. He laughs a bit more than usual, his eyes closed and his teeth showing and Osamu takes the moment to appreciate being the reason for it, even if he did not expect it.

“I see,” Kita eventually says after a moment, “but that means I cannot let you take Atsumu’s treatment either. Maybe you could just share your bed?”

This time it’s Osamu that is left out of voice. He feels his whole face burn up and once again it’s like he is still sixteen.

“Or should I sleep on the couch?” Kita adds and Osamu can hear the hesitation in his voice.

“No,” he says, “we should share the bed.”

He feels his heart beat loud in his chest and he is afraid Kita can hear it too.

“My room is on the right,” he continues, keeping his composure as much as possible, he just hopes he is not blushing too obviously, “the bathroom on the left. I’ll get you clean pajamas and there are always spare toothbrushes in the cupboard above the sink.”

*

Playing volleyball in Inarizaki was probably the fondest moment of Osamu’s life. It did not change much when he entered his third year and at the same time it completely changed. If he did not doubt before that he wanted to stop playing after high school, the feeling only grew bigger. It was too weird, being part of the oldest in the team, uneasy and there was already enough pressure being part of the Miya duo to add any kind of first years looking up to them. It was too sad to hear Atsumu so excited about what they could do as professional volleyball players after high school and not being able to share it. He had never not shared something with Atsumu, but the number one jersey Atsumu got at the beginning of the year took him further away from him and Osamu just could not lie to him anymore.

Osamu had already found that the team was off without Kita but when Atsumu stopped talking to him for almost two weeks, after he told him he would stop volleyball, it hit him so much how important Kita was.

“Why would you not want to continue?” Atsumu yelled at him, “we’re the best players! I thought you loved it too!”

“It’s not because I don’t love it, I just don’t love it enough to play pro!” Osamu yelled back.

They were playing in their backyard. It was a cold afternoon, the spring tournaments would not start until a few months, but Atsumu, taking his captain role at heart and still triggered by the fact they had not won the year before, was overdoing it already and because he could not just kidnapped the rest of the team, he would put it on Osamu. Osamu had been cold and tired, they had already been arguing over the fact that he wanted to go back to the comfort and warmth of his bed and Atsumu would not let him, so he had just blurted out the “news”. It had been out of pettiness, and he had immediately regretted it.

“What do you mean it is our dream!”

“It’s your dream! Not mine.”

Atsumu dropped the ball from his hands, his expression was sour, “since when?” he said and he was not yelling anymore. Osamu hated it when his twin was not screaming, when his anger or his pain was too strong he could not even raise his voice.

The ball rolled down until it reached Osamu’s feet.

“A while,” he whispered.

“Really? You knew for a while that you didn’t want to share this with me? That you would leave me?”

“It’s not about leaving you, I just want a different thing, why do you make it into such a big thing?”

“Why don’t you? We’ve shared everything, we’ve always been together, we’re known together…”

“You’re the best high school setter, I’m just a good player. You went to U-19, I did not, you will be fine without me,” he picked up the ball so he would not have to look at Atsumu’s face while talking, “you’ll be a great player.”

There was a long silence, Osamu felt the cold freezing the tips of his fingers but he could not move. He wanted to run away from Atsumu, from the conversation but he just could not.

“I know,” Atsumu eventually said and Osamu heard the fake superior tone he would take when he would feel insecure, “I just wanted you to be a great player with me.”

The last part was barely audible and it hit Osamu directly in his heart. He felt weak on the knees, and like the ground was to open under him and he would fall. There was a lot he wished he could answer to that, how strongly he had cursed himself for not wishing the same thing. That deep down he wished he would continue to live his life with his twin and share his true passion so they would never have to be apart.

“I just don’t get why you would not tell me before, and let me talk about it.”

“I told Kita-san about a year ago,” Osamu confessed, still staring at the ball, “but…”

“You told Kita-san and you didn’t tell me?”

The hurt he heard in Atsumu’s voice made him raise his head, there was no sourness left on his expression, just confusion and sadness.

“It was…” he started but Atsumu was not listening to him.

“I just don’t get it,” his brother let out before turning over and going back to their house.

Osamu stayed there. He could not feel the ball in his hands since his fingertips were so cold but he did not let go. He contemplated every word he had just said and the answers he had gotten until anger rose back because why would Atsumu not understand that it was hard to just say something like that to him? Because had feared so much that he would react exactly the way he did so he had just sucked in and piled up everything until he just could not anymore. That talking about it to Kita had at least helped him being relieved for a few months after it while his own brother was unable to understand him.

Eventually he threw the ball away from him. He hated the fact that Atsumu had not even asked what his dream really was, but he hated even more that he had caused his brother pain.

*

When Osamu comes out of the bedroom with clean pajamas, he finds Kita in the kitchen.

“I made some tea,” Kita says when he hears him enter, “I hope you don’t mind, it helps me calm down. Ritual.”

He says the last word with a movement of the end, like it explains everything since he’s been known for those rituals.

“No, it’s fine,” Osamu answers before realizing the end of the sentence, “you’re nervous?”

Kita turns his head to him, with a little smile on his lips. Osamu feels stupid for not noticing it before when it is so obvious in his eyes and the way his hands are tight around the kettle.

“I’ve never been away from the farm for a night,” he confesses, “it’s stupid but I just can’t stop imagining everything that could go wrong.”

“Like the sky would fall down on the fields because you were not there?”

It is a joke and he is glad when Kita laughs and it seems to ease the tension in his muscles, “who knows,” he answers, “I told you, it’s stupid.”

He pours the hot water in the teapot.

“No it’s not,” Osamu says, “one day I went to visit Atsumu for the weekend and I barely got any sleep because I was too afraid the restaurant would.. I don’t know, blow up or something.”

“I guess when you came back, everything was fine?”

Osamu laughs, “yeah, it turned out the world was able to work fine even when I was not there.”

“Was it? I can’t believe it.”

Osamu grabs two teacups from the cupboards and he places them next to the teapot, “I know right? It surprised me too,” he says laughing even more, “but, what I mean is I understand you, those places are our entire word right now, aren’t they? We’re working very hard for it so obviously it feels wrong when we’re not there, but we’re not giving up on our work just because we choose, once, to be away from it.”

Kita stares at him and he smiles, this time not from sadness but from something else that Osamu can’t quite pinpoint.

“Did I say something wrong?” he eventually asks, suddenly feeling very nervous and small.

“No,” Kita answers, “you said everything right. It just surprises me, sometimes, to realize how different you are now.”

“Is that bad?”

“Far from it, I like it a lot.”

Osamu wonders if he is delusional for hearing something more behind those words but Kita grabs the teapot and gets out of the kitchen toward the living room. There’s another form of tension that grows between them, one that has been there for longer than Osamu can really admit it even to himself. It is not profoundly unpleasant and it had changed in the years that had passed by, it had grown into something more coherent, more real somehow. At least for him.

“You’re coming?” Kita’s voice says from the couch and Osamu realizes he is still holding the cups in his hands and has not moved.

“Yeah,” he mutters.

He sees Kita waiting for him and he feels his heart swell up in his chest because he knows very well what that tension is about. It is about the way he feels Kita looking at him, the countless moments they spend the two of them, even if it’s for business first, that makes him see Kita the way he really is, the way Kita always stays longer, a bit more every time he comes by Onigiri Miya. It makes him understand, he probably is not as delusional as he thought he was.

*

Kita came back to Inarizaki with Aran a few weeks before the beginning of the nationals. It was not a surprise, because they had a group chat in which they had talked about coming by to see how the team was doing. Osamu watched from afar in the beginning, looking at how so little time had passed since the last time he had seen Kita and at the same time it felt like so long. Contrary to Aran, Kita had stopped playing volleyball, and while the latter was trying to get scouted by a professional team, their former captain had dropped out of college to take care of a rice farm. All this information about Kita that Osamu had managed to gather through their group chats, he was carefully putting them all in a corner of his mind, like a hidden treasure that he was not sure what to do with. He just constantly wanted to know more, but he was unable to speak directly with the man. He barely managed to answer him in the group chat without cringing at himself.

The entire team jumped all around their ex teammates as soon as they had come through the doors of the gymnasium, ending their practice prematurely. Osamu took the moment to grab his bottle of water, cooling down a bit. So little time had passed and at the same time so long had gone by and his lack of communication with Kita made him overthink the simple fact that was greeting him. Too focused on his thoughts and his full attention diverted toward the bottle of water he was drinking, he did not hear the footsteps coming closer to him.

“Osamu,” Kita said, and it felt like he had never left because his voice was the same and the way he was looking at him was the same, “hi.”

Osamu put down the, now empty, water bottle aside, trying not to show how surprised he was. Behind them he could see Aran trying to avoid Atsumu’s attention.

“Hi,” he answered, dumbly.

“How have you been?”

“Fine, nothing too exciting, though, it’s always the same here. Well, Atsumu’s more annoying than you were as captain… but yeah, it’s the same.”

It was not exactly the same, but how could he say it directly to Kita’s face that without him it felt empty, that no matter the months that went by, he still hoped Kita would magically showed up and go back to being his captain, that he regretted not having been able to create some kind of bond with Kita during the time they were together so he would have a reason now to seek for him.

Kita laughed at that comment, “Aran’s been pretty worried about that fact too, but I was not too surprised. Well, for a moment I thought it would be you, then I realized maybe Atsumu would be more fitted for that role.”

“He takes it pretty seriously, he wants to win, more than ever. I hope we win too.”

He did not add the reason why it was so important but he saw on Kita’s face that he knew exactly what it was about.

“You’ve told him?”

“Yeah, he did not like it.”

“And now?”

“I think he’s accepted it,” he said, thoughtful.

“What about you? Did you find out what your dream is?” Kita asked him very gently.

Osamu smiled and nodded, “yeah, I wanna open an Onigiri shop.”

He felt a bit stupid, to say it out loud. Although this time he had already discussed it several times with Atsumu and his parents, and it was slowly becoming from a dream to a real preoccupation.

“Really?” Kita answered, “maybe we could become partners then?”

*

Reflecting back on it, Osamu thinks he has not been in love with Kita ever since the day they met. He thinks it has come gradually, he could not call the admiration he had felt for Kita as their captain, the one that was tinted with a form of fear and self-depreciation in comparison to how adult and mature Kita was, love. For so long he had only seen Kita in that light, even when he left, Kita was too far from him, too simple for how complicated he felt and he had been so sure it would never change. Then Kita had mentioned their partnership, it seemed like a simple idea, something that would never really happen, until it did. From that moment, their bond changed into something else, something special and precious, something that only the two of them were aware of. The admiration changed too, mutated into adoration and eventually love. And somehow along that way, maybe Kita feels that way.

He sits down next to Kita and watches him pour tea in both their cups. The rain is pouring even stronger outside, it is kind of a relief to see that they were right for Kita to stay the night.

“Did you know that Atsumu had a crush on you?” he asks and he does not know why he has to bring it up that way.

Kita puts the teapot back on the table.

“I knew,” he answers like it is nothing.

“He told you?”

“Never, but he’s never been very discreet about anything,” Kita laughs, “neither of you.”

Osamu feels his heart sink at the bottom of his chest, he tries to hide his fluster by taking the cup of tea and almost hiding his face behind the steam that comes out of it. The tension grows only thicker and he can see by the way that Kita, for once, is avoiding to look at him directly, that he is not as confident as he seems to be. It makes Osamu crack a smile. He knows now, after all this year of getting to understand him, that Kita, even if he is rarely shaken up, is just a man. And when things are important to him, he still feels nervous.

“Do you know?” he repeats and he eyes over to the other man who is blushing.

“I think I do.”

Osamu takes a deep breath in, he feels the excitement rushing all over his chest, it is the kind of pressure that feels good, the kind of anticipation that makes his heart beat faster because he knows exactly what is going to happen but does not want to rush in it, not to ruin it.

“You never said anything.”

This time Kita looks at him, with an eyebrow raised, “neither did you,” he drinks a bit of his tea, “I thought I knew but there still was a chance I was wrong. I was afraid of that.”

It is enough for Osamu to take the hint. He puts down the cup on the table, and he grabs the one in Kita’s hands to do the same. The latter shows no resistance when Osamu gets closer to him and slides his hands in his. His fingers are still warm from holding the hot tea.

“I was afraid too,” Osamu confesses, “afraid I was only imagining stuff, or that you just thought of me the way you saw me in high school. Someone who needed guidance, someone you could help, when I wanted to be someone equal to you.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve thought of you that way. I meant it when I said you changed, I think it’s when I started to realize there was something more, even if I’ve felt it since the beginning.”

Osamu stares at the way the blush on Kita expands from his cheeks to his nose and how he still is not able to directly look at him and suddenly he feels so small in comparison, so precious and fragile.

“You liked me then?” Osamu asks surprised.“Well,” Kita mutters, “I never really thought of it, I guess I did, it was different, it…”

Osamu does not let him finish that sentence and he puts one hand on Kita’s cheek, gently pushing the latter to raise his head so he could look at him. He takes a second to enjoy the moment of seeing him like that, he does not think anyone would be able to catch in Kita’s eyes the sincerity and the rawness of all his feelings, before he delicately kisses him. He starts slowly, just his mouth on Kita’s mouth, until he feels the other’s body relax more into the kiss and Kita’s hand lets go of his hand to reach for the back of his neck and invites him to kiss deeper. So he does. He does and it feels like his heart is going to explode in his chest. In the way Kita kisses him back, he can understand all the words that they both had not been able to say during all those years. He feels it in the way Kita holds on to him with his hands like he is afraid he would let go, so he reassures him, stroking his hair, bringing him closer to his body.

Kissing Kita feels desperately right, and Osamu does not know why it had taken him so long to get to that point, he does not know how he had been able to go on with his life without doing it. Or maybe it is because they’ve waited so long, that they’ve taken so much time nurturing their feelings, that is exactly right, at that moment.

“I think it’s okay if we share a bed now,” Kita says when they break apart, a bit out of breath and his eyes are twinkling.

*

When Osamu wakes up the next morning, it is not raining anymore, although the storm had raged on all night long. Through the curtains that he had not thought of closing yesterday night, the sun is shining brightly and it shines into the room, to the bed in which Kita is still peacefully sleeping. Osamu takes the time to slowly caress the morning hair falling down over Kita’s face, he wonders if Kita is still a light sleeper like he used to be when they were in high school. He traces with the tip of his fingers the features of his face, that he desperately wants to kiss some more.

Kita slowly moves, turning over until he reaches Osamu’s arms, and Osamu knows very well that he is fully awake now, even if his eyes are still closed, as he snuggles against him. Still a light sleeper, he thinks. In the broad daylight, Osamu feels extremely aware of how naked he is, and the way his body looks like but seeing how Kita embraces him a bit more, he relaxes.

“‘Morning,” he hears Kita mutter.

He kisses the top of his head and puts his arms around Kita’s body. He thinks that he is going to fall more and more in love with the way he fits there perfectly, “did you sleep well?” he asks.

The answer he gets is more like a sound than a coherent sentence but he takes it as a yes.

“I’m hungry,” he eventually articulates.

“I can make breakfast,” Osamu immediately answers.

Kita holds him more strongly, “no. I don’t want you to move, I want you there.”

Osamu laughs, and when Kita raises his head, his eyes open now, to look at him, he pretends he is thinking deeply at a solution.

“Well,” Osamu says, “maybe we could both move to the kitchen and I can make breakfast but you don’t have to let go of me?”

“Can you do that?”

“Of course, I’m a chef, aren’t I?”

Kita nods, obviously satisfied by the answer he’s been given and Osamu kisses him like he’s been wanting to do since he has woken up.